Sunday 30 January 2022

BFC 0-1 AFC Bournemouth, Saturday 29th January 2022

‘We want Conway out, we want Conway out’

I don’t quite understand some of the positivity that’s being bandied about after yesterday. Yes, we had the ball (31% possession, btw!), yes, we made it into their half (occasionally), yes, we had a couple of shots….no, we didn’t score. No, we couldn’t hold a ball up front. No, we couldn’t create a decent chance. All I saw was a team lose an early goal and then never look like scoring. QED, 12 minutes in and we’d lost the match. Indeed, we should have been one down before I’d even seen one of our players touch the ball. Getting in late (as ever – I’d forgotten my season ticket, again) Bournemouth ripped us apart down their right with a quick give and go and a low cross was stabbed wide at the front post from 6 yards. But I didn’t have to wait long. And in some positive news…we have found A NEW WAY TO CONCEDE!

Collins came haring out of his goal and failed to get there. Solanke nipped in, took the ball wide, then looped a high cross into the box. Indeed, it was so high that Collins made it back to the 6 yard box, lost all semblance of where it/he was and flapped as Billing headed home. Still, there were 2 other defenders there who stood and admired Billing’s leap and Collins is entitled to make a mistake after the season he’s had. The wonder is that after a season and a half of clearing up behind our defence, it’s taken till now to see it go wrong. I’ve also no doubt the wind played a part in Solanke’s cross, bamboozling anything in red.

So that was it. Game over. We can’t blame Collins for our inability to put the ball in their net (or can we, a couple of his hoofs clearing everyone and landing at their keeper?) We had 2 decent strikes all game, Iseka being free on the left and although hit well, it was an easy diving save, and the other was from sub Marsh, within 30 seconds of coming on for his debut. To put that into perspective, an 18 year old debutant stung the keeper’s hands as much in half a minute as the rest of the team in 90. Apparently we had 7 shots on target (I’ve looked!), but that means 5 others were half hit scuffed dribbles to their keeper. There are some of US who could have kept a clean sheet for Bournemouth yesterday. (By us, I don’t mean me, I’d definitely not have saved Iseka’s.) I’ll tell you how good it was…while I took a phonecall near the exit at half-time, at least 5 fans walked out. ALL the best chances fell to Bournemouth, who could have had 4 or 5 (not including all the 2 on 2 attacks they messed up).

Otherwise, the entertainment was provided by the angry yoof of Oakwell, with constant rounds of ‘We want Conway out’ and ‘You greedy ba5tard, get out of our club’, followed by the longest conga line I’ve seen at Oakwell in a while. Turned out we weren’t ‘having a conga’ though, we were wandering to the front, then heading to the corner by the Main (West) Stand to focus our ire on the director’s box. (I can only presume Conway wasn’t there.) Did our Londontyke massif in that side of the Ponty join them, I wonder? Afterwards, I had the mispleasure to see a couple of them ‘offer out’ an older bloke who I presumed to be a Bornmuff fan till I heard him speak. Is this the beginning of ‘The Great Fracture’ as it shall be known heretofore, as our fans fall out with each other over the running of our club?

200 yards later, as we passed the station on ‘The Great Walk’ (that there bridge over the railway line STILL not having been built) 5 of the yoof were wearing traffic cones on their heads, before chanting some more about how much they hate Bournemouth. Hang on a minute. Hating Bournemouth? Nobody who supports Barnsley save for The Captain (who lives on the south coast) has any opinion whatsoever on the Cherries. In fact, they don’t even know who the Cherries are. Or where Bournemouth is. Though I can understand any jealousy towards a side bankrolled by the Russians to the Premiership, and now bankrolled back towards the Premiership by parachute payments. But that should be more grist to the mill of criticism for our (super rich) owners, who, nevermind bankrolling second division survival, use money provided by the fans to pay for their ownership of the club. If I knew I could do that, I’D own Barnsley FC! (Actually, no I wouldn’t.)

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. Head and shoulders above anything else in a red shirt. I don’t see how anyone can say otherwise. (Come and sit next to me if you need these things pointing out in real time.) Blocked numerous shots, made interceptions, great tackling.
**Helik. Quiet, yet still saved at least 2 certain goals.
* Jordan Williams. (or just ‘Williams’ since we’ve sold Ben). Defended well, looked to join the attack. And has my favourite current BFC hair. Oh, and him in the team saves me screaming at Brittain for shooting.

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Andersen 2. Wolfe 3. Styles

Official MOTM: We don’t do MOTMs when we lose, do we?

Despatches:
I am seriously worried about our future. If the billionaire owners need £750k of our money to buy the club, why would any of us be insane enough to renew our season tickets? What if we renew, and the owners steal more of our money (let’s call it what it is, stealing)…because they can? How STUPID will I be feeling if that happens? (Very.) We will lose £6-7 million in TV money when we go down. If the owners aren’t willing to subsidise this, we face a fire sale of our best players, which basically means cut price deals for Helik, Mads and Woodrow. £5m for the trio? (Collins, albeit POTY, probably wouldn’t get a game for any of the Championship top 6 for whom we’d be looking to sell to.) We might get another £200k for Styles and Brittain, based on this season’s form. The rest? You couldn’t give away. Basically, we’ll return to division 3 without a decent spine to the team, at a time when we could be up against most, if not all, of Sunderland, Pompey, Washday, Ipshit, Charlton, in addition to well managed sides like Wycombe and Oxford. If the owners aren’t prepared to dip into their pockets, we could see another 20 years in the lower division wilderness a la the 60s and 70s (which I’m fortunate enough not to be old enough to remember). Ever since the Premiership days, the fans have shown remarkable loyalty in season ticket numbers, including the thousands who backed the club during lockdown when we knew we’d barely see a game. The owners now probably have 2 months to rescue a situation of their own founding. How do they bring the trust (not the Trust, that’s a different entity) back, following the debacles – sorry, I can think of no other word – of the West Stand closure, £750k thievery, poor summer signings, on pitch and off…and the continual buzz around the future of Oakwell? The Chief Exec claimed in the Trust interview ‘it is our aim to stay at Oakwell’. AIM? It’s a non-negotiable. The only people talking about moving from Oakwell are YOU LOT. Why? Cos the dark forces of Cryne and the council are preventing ‘the redevelopment of Oakwell (and we don’t just mean the West Stand)’? Well, tell us what your plans would be, were you to own the ground/land. The car park sold for housing? Training grounds built on? West Stand demolished for hot tubs? (The latter gets Slacki’s vote.) And who would pocket any windfalls? The owners? The club?

Yes, having written that, I don’t see what the owners can possibly do in 2 months to rebuild that trust. There’s nothing they can SAY in so short a time period which will repair the damage done. We can only hope that in the next year (presuming they stay) that their ACTIONS will prove they have the interests of the CLUB and its FANS. But, (worst case scenario) should the fans not renew in numbers and the owners lose interest ‘because the fans aren’t doing their bit’ (!) we’ll be in administration and facing the kind of future…or past…the likes of Luton, Stockport, Darlington, York City, Macclesfield and Bury (to name just a few) have been through. Just saying.

Further depression (and maybe this is just me) as a yoof in the box office asks for a ticket for the ‘South Stand’. I have never (ever) heard anyone refer to the Ponty End by its official name. I can find a nadir from anywhere. I’d already tried entering into the spirit of things by wearing one of our old Koala-made Vodka Kick sponsored 3rd division shirts. Might as well prepare for the inevitable. The good old days of a half-ar5ed Michael Boulding (who, for all his talent, would famously rather play tennis than football), Craig Ireland (who?) and Tony Gallimore (eh?). That’s not our past. That’s our future, that is. But on the plus side, the shirts are the size of tents and I can put on a couple more Covid stones without fear of my torso actually touching the inside of the shirt. Did I mention how cheap it feels too?

Back to the players. Wolfe made his debut in midfield, and the best I can say is that he wasn’t Palmer, Or Benson. He made one great Cruyff turn to take out 3 Cherries, but, otherwise, my abiding memory of him was us on the attack…and him standing on the halfway line with 5 (five!) defenders. That new left back? Vita (I had to look him up) played like he looked….a 12 year old schoolboy. Couldn’t defend to save his life. The run forward and nutmeg? Luck, not skill. Benson came on and with his locks shorn (so he looks like Ray Winstone in ‘Scum’) he actually put himself about. I don’t think I’ve seen him make a tackle before. And did I hear from the Chief Exec that the reason Jasper Moon (obviously, with a forename like that, I feel duty bound to use it) gets occasional runouts in midfield ahead of actual midfield player Hondermarck is cos he can take a throw in? Well, that worked, as his 2 long throws were comfortably cleared by Bornmuff centre halves. If I were the coach, I’d concentrate on playing FOOTBALLERS and teaching Moon how to pass a ball. (Mind, he was another who made a goal-saving block.) Cole and Iseka were completely toothless, but at least with Cauley injured, we got to see exactly why he never loses his place when fit. Styles and Palmer had exactly the kind of games they’ve had all season, with the inevitable result that Romal was dragged off. How does he keep getting picked? How many times can I ask ‘how does he keep getting picked?’ How many times can I ask ‘How many times can I ask ‘how does he keep getting picked?’ Marsh had a promising 12 minutes. Or 15, including injury time, the last 6 of which were played against 10 men. Cole had finally used his pace to good effect after 87 minutes, winning a 40/60 race to the ball with Cahill. I thought the subsequent (second) yellow was harsh, Cahill being a fraction late, though 10/10 to Cole, who rolled over at least 3 times, added a pirouette and finished with a triple salchow. You can guess how many saves their keeper made in that 6 minutes. (Note: Cahill’s first booking was for a cynical take out (of Styles?) on the halfway line to prevent a 2-on-2 break, the classic yellow card which should be punished by something stronger.)

To leave on a (genuine) positive…it was great to see Farnham pre-match, accompanied by Farnham (very) senior, on their way to reclaim their old seats in the West Stand. I’ll not mention our pre-match predictions of 0-2, 0-3 and 0-4. (May I say, I was the optimistic one.)

Drink du jour: Northern Monk ‘Eternal’ in that there new bar with the crap name that has an in-built record shop in the Arcade. Cracking turn out too, Jonesy x 3, Reedy x2, Slacki, Locky, Molly, Lord S, Wadd and Chris (Captain Haddock, Reedy’s old mate wearing his fisherman’s jumper again). The unfortunate fact is, if we don’t come and watch the Super Reds, there’s no way this eclectic bunch meets for a drink. This makes me sad.

Away: 926, or as many as I’ve ever seen Bournemouth bring. See, it IS possible buy support!

Matches played in front of a Main Stand safe enough for journalists/directors/non-playing players etc, but not safe enough for fans: 0. Fans were BACK! The stand is suddenly SAFE! Unconfined scenes of joy as….actually, what it looked like was we’ve peed off a few hundred more fans into not returning, after the closure debacle. Or did it just reflect the ground in general, as there were huge gaps in the Ponty and East Stands too? Still, small wins, eh?

The Damage:
c. £31 petrol
£3 programme
= c. £34

The Tunes:
None. Yapping.

Thursday 20 January 2022

Consett 0-3 Shildon, Tuesday 18th January 2022

Consett 0-3 Shildon, Durham Challenge Cup 2nd Round, Belle View, att. 354

Consett’s old ground till 2013, Belle Vue Park, looked full of character; at its peak containing two large stands (one later knocked down), plenty of terracing (including paddocks in front of the seating) and banking formed from colliery waste. The new ground, ‘Belle View’ leaves me cold – literally, on a midweek night in January. There are two stands, identical in design if not size, which look like they were delivered by lorry and put up in an afternoon. They probably were. Four rows of seating, low to the pitch. Everything is pristine – but not in a good way. However, with no terracing and a plastic pitch, it is anodyne to say the least.

Any semblance of enjoyment is taken from the quality of the football and the general crowd hubbub (Consett currently being the best-supported side in the Northern League, with an average of over 500. Tonight’s Durham Challenge Cup game brought a lower 354). There’s no worry of matches being postponed, a la the previous ground, and the ball does run smoothly as the home side generally like to pass it around. But am I the only one irritated by the glare of the pitch from the floodlights? Or the lack of anything approaching a tackle? (As I mused the latter, a player finally went through his opposite number to earn a booking.) I was further annoyed by my tea, though I blame myself for this one. I should’ve told her to leave the teabag in, because had I not seen her wringing the thing out in my cup, I’d swear it’d never seen a teabag.

Consequently, I found myself rooting for the Railwaymen of Shildon against the Steelmen. Promoted to the Northern Premier League East this season, Shildon are a division up on tonight’s opponents. Consett, endeavouring to follow in their rivals’ footsteps, have been virtually unbeatable in the Northern League this season and possess crowds far in excess of Shildon. Would home (plastic) advantage be key? No. After an early miss from Consett when the centre forward tried to lift it over the keeper, Shildon ran out comfortable winners, 0-3.

The opener was a deft bullet header from star striker Billy Greulich-Smith. I thought he’d put it wide, as did everyone else judging by the lack of acknowledgement. It was only when the players started celebrating did most of us know different. I’d chosen the wrong end, thinking Consett would put up a fight, so wandered along the touchline to get a closer view of the Shildon attack. There’s a decent gap in the crowd, I thought. Yes – because the bloke nearest appeared to be giving a running commentary on the game. Highly bloody irritating, but he was obviously a regular, knowing all their names. I headed to the (slow) queue for the tea in time to seethe keeper get not quite enough of a paw onto a 20 odd yarder. At least the clubhouse was sizeable, and warm…and pristine. So that was half-time, before Shildon got an early penalty, second half. Game over.

The Damage:
£7 ent
£1.50 programme
£1.20 tea
£0.90 Snickers
= £10.60
The Tunes:
New Long Leg (Dry Cleaning)
Tomorrow’s Harvest (Boards of Canada)

Tuesday 11 January 2022

Hartlepool United 2-1 Blackpool, Saturday 8th January 2022

Hartlepool United 2-1 Blackpool, FA Cup 3rd Round, The Suit Direct Stadium (Victoria Ground), att. 4,932

Poolies v Pool in the FA Cup 3rd round, that most magical of rounds in that most magical of competitions. League 2 v Championship, 4th tier v 2nd tier. Could the Monkey Hangers upset the odds? Certainly, plenty thought so as I rocked up to the Suit Direct Stadium (!) to be met by huge queues. Should I just join one, or chance it? Well, I had nothing to lose. Kick-off was in about 10 minutes and there was no way I’d make it in on time by joining this queue. Good call – these long queues were for ticketholders. I’d yet to buy one.

I crossed the wasteland at the back of the catchily-named Teesside International Airport Stand and saw what purported to be a ticket office at the far end. It was a smallish queue. 15 quid and I had a ticket for the terrace in this stand. And of course it was busy – Hartlepool had given over their home end terrace to Blackpool in order to comply with allocation rules. It wouldn’t have mattered had the Tangerines been given the usual (seated) away end, they only brought 500 hundred and odd. Mind, there was a section of seating in the away (Rink) end closed, condemned. This split Poolies into both halves, though presumably this would be easier than doing it to the away fans.

Consequently, all available seats looked taken in The Rink End; one side full of vociferous Poolies and their drum. Mind, the terrace was busy too, and the atmosphere was the most raucous I’ve been to all season. (My other games either involving Barnsley or non-league.) The Main ‘Cyril Knowles’ Stand opposite was virtually full too. Pools were obviously ‘up for the cup’.

I bent under a barrier and squeezed in. I’d just missed kick-off but it was all Hartlepool. So after 8 minutes, Blackpool showed their class and scored with their first attack. The Tangerines then pulled the Monkey Hangers apart at will, missing the goal twice from 6 yards out. There’d be a 3rd identical miss in the second half (Lavery being the main culprit), as well as a close range header. There would prove costly.

Half-time and the chance to find a better, more Covid-safe view. After nearly bumping into mascot H’Angus the Monkey (of course) I snuck upstairs into the seats and found myself amongst the yoof, throwing a (presumably unused) condom at each other. Ahhh, the good old days. The singing and chanting went on throughout. Is it always like this at Hartlepool? I vaguely remember one popular ditty about an Irishman called Holohan who’s ‘a Poolie through and through.’ Anyway, it worked. 3 minutes after the restart Featherstone cut in from the left and shot, the deflection completely wrongfooting the keeper. Raucous became….more raucous. Manager Lee sent on 18 year old Joe Grey and a minute later he’d bagged, a neat pass putting him clean through. The control, the composed finish…but was it too early?

No. Blackpool had a couple of near misses, but never troubled the keeper and, if truth be told, their heads went down once the Monkey Hangers equalised. The higher division away team simply didn’t have the bottle to take on a side whose tails were up. Perhaps Blackpool ought to have been housed in the Rink End after all. That ice they’d been skating on, second half, was very, very thin.

The Damage:
£15 ent
= £15

I’d have had a programme too, if the police hadn’t blocked Clarence Road to home fans. ‘But I want to get to the club shop’…’well, you can walk round’ said a steward. Walk round 4 sides of the ground when the club shop’s JUST THERE? No ta.

The Tunes:
BBC5Live…and Newcastle getting beat by 3rd tier Cambridge. Bliss!

Wednesday 5 January 2022

Horden CW 2-2 Billingham Synthonia, Tuesday 4th January 2022

Horden CW 2-2 Billingham Synthonia, Northern League Division 2, Horden Community Welfare Park, att. 107

‘A nice sugary Bovril.’

I think I have a new favourite Northern League ground – well, at least until the main stand is demolished (scheduled to happen later this year). Yes, the Northern League is BACK after its Christmas sabbatical for all but 4 teams. My mission to see a home game for all 41 members can resume in earnest, but it’s a close run thing. With less than an hour to kick-off, there’s a pitch inspection as parts of the playing surface are apparently frozen. No worries, game on – and thanks to the Billingham Synthonia Twitter feed for keeping us informed. Games at Durham City and Seaham meantime fall prey to the weather.

If you want to see what housing looked like in the days of mining in County Durham, visit Horden CW. The ground, Horden Community Park, is surrounded by the terraces that were once common to every town and village in this part of the world. Speaking for my own town, they’re on the decrease, as the average young couple now demand a brand new semi on the edge of town. As folk turn their noses up at these terraces, they become, a honeypot for anti-social behaviour, abandoned and eventually torn down. Oh well.

Talking of being torn down and rebuilt, Horden CW FC. In the not too distant old days, the ‘CW’ stood for ‘Colliery Welfare’. Indeed, some signs around the park still allude to its use for the colliery. However, Horden Colliery Welfare FC fell foul of the local parish council in 2016 and were turfed out of the ground, before being taken under Darlington 1883’s wing (Darlington 1883 being the re-formed Darlington FC) and moving to Darlington as Darlington 1883 reserves, retaining their place in the Wearside League. A new Horden CW (‘Community Welfare’ this time) was formed in 2017 and here we are. Within 4 years, via the Durham Alliance League and the Wearside League, Horden are back in the Northern League after a 9 year absence. The ground can have a lot to thank for this.

Welfare Park is dominated by a massive stand (by Northern League standards) on the halfway line. Although some way behind the dugouts, its height affords spectacular views across the pitch, save for the pillars and floodlight in in front of it. But it has the right level of age, rust, wood and bird s*** to make it a truly magical place, evocative of simpler times. Such a shame then that its due to come down later this year, I can only presume for one of those simple pre-fab things I’ve seen at Redcar Athletic, Consett, Shildon, et al. Or whatever finance decrees, basically.

But it’s not just about the stand. There’s probably more terracing here than any other Northern League ground. One half of the long side opposite the Main Stand is a terrace of 4steps which turns into 5…then 6 as we go behind the goal. They’re steep too, so even if there was a crowd you’d have a great view. Behind the terrace is a row of tall trees (handy for stopping wayward shots) while gaps in the metal fencing mean you can have just as good a view from outside the stadium. But if you’re likely to want to see the game, just pay your fiver and come in!

Down the slope at the other end, a car park lies behind the goal. And what with the slope towards this end, it really needs the trees of the other end. With a fierce wind blowing this way (especially 1st half) ball after ball went for goalkicks and continued down the bank behind the goal, or over the fence and into the car park. With this breeze came the inevitable game of 2 halves.

I arrived a few minutes late (as ever) and took a pew at this end. For 20 minutes I became unofficial ballboy, as no-one else stood at this end, not fancying a gale blowing in their face. But this was where the action was, as Synthonia broke through and messed up 3 times. The forward(s) seemed determined to round the keeper to score instead of simply putting the ball in the net and were inexorably driven wide. (In the second half, the #10 finally managed to round the keeper properly, took aim…and hit the defender on the line from no more than 8 yards. Hapless.)

As the half hour approached, the #10 (Howard) won a free kick after a skirmish. 25 yards out, he used the wind to lash it home into the bottom corner…and was then promptly booked for his celebration. Then, on the stroke of half-time, Howard broke free on the right and hammered the ball into the far corner for 2-0. 7th placed Synners looked in cruise control against the midtable homesters. It is the 8th minute of injury time, 5 of which was for a ‘to-do’ between the two dugouts. Nothing much was happening on the pitch when all hell broke out between the two benches. At one point, one of them was waving around part of the flimsy perimeter fence, while even I could hear a ‘WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?’ from across the pitch. I don’t think anyone even got booked, the ref being spoilt for choice and only having a certain amount of ink on him.

By now I was cold, so I headed to the stand side for sustenance, before climbing the stairs into the stand itself. Sadly, the seats in both wings were cordoned off. People were obviously smaller in the old days too, given the legroom, but it’s not overpopulated, so one can manspread. At the back of the stand sits a windowed room, all lit up – the press box? (There is no press.) There are stairs at either side of the stand, replete with tall gates which can be locked. (The park is open to all; vandalism must be a key worry.)

The strange thing about the second half was that both teams continued to play the saem way, even though the climatic conditions had reversed. Horden, patient in build up and lots of short passes, while Synthonia were all about the long ball and quick break. The latter looked the likelier to score (and should have done – see earlier) but with 10 minutes left, Spalding gave Horden hope with a close range bag. They continued to push, forcing a marvellous diving save, before I saw something I’ve never seen live in 40 odd years of watching football – a goalkeeper score a last minute equaliser. The corner awarded, up ran Horden keeper Joe Spalding, who met the cross with a header into the corner. Pandemonium on the pitch and incredulity in the stand and on the terraces. A fitting end to a great game.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1 half time draw - a case of Budweiser (‘Can you make sure I don’t win?’)
£1 tea
= £7

The Tunes:
New Long Leg (Dry Cleaning)

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