South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 15th October 2022

South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round, 1st Cloud Arena (Mariner Park), att. 2,353 (425 away)

South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round, 1st Cloud Arena (Mariner Park), att. 2,353 (425 away) It’s the final qualifying round of the FA Cup and here in the north-east there’s a choice of two; Blyth Spartans v Wrexham (the romantic choice, a repeat of their 77/78 5th round tie) or South Shields v Scunny, a repeat of their 1971 1st round clash. Having given it much thought, I plumped for Shields. I couldn’t face crossing the Tyne given the awfulness of the A1 roadworks from the Bowes Incline onwards. Not with a trip to Newcastle due the next day. Spartans could wait. Besides, at the 1st Cloud Arena (AKA Mariner Park), the shock was on, as the 7th tier hosts were up against a 5th tier Scunthorpe bereft of optimism, as relegation from the Football League has been followed by National League struggle, 2nd off bottom.

Mind, Shields are no mugs. Full-time professionals, they even include a player (Conor Newton) who once scored the winner in a Scottish League Cup Final – in 2013, for St. Mirren. OK, a long time ago, but still. Up front today is Dylan Mottley-Henry, a former player with my team, Barnsley (Games: 1). At the age of 25, he’s hanging on to his ‘professional footballer’ status. Or is he still finding his level? I’m disappointed that Scunny don’t include former Reds legend Jacob Butterfield, a delightful midfielder capable of scoring from distance with his trusty left foot….well, at least until Dirty Leeds’ Michael Brown broke him with one of his typical challenges. It’s been a painful 11 years since, watching his career slide. Coulda been a contender.

I park up in the adjacent Simonside industrial estate and enter via a QR code on my phone, a novelty for a non-league team. Whatthehell does ‘QR’ stand for? I’ve no idea. The home turnstiles are in one corner, inbetween the new stand and a tiny covered terrace of a couple of steps. Through the latter, smartly attired on the back wall with Shields’ flags, I head towards the clubhouse. The best thing about non-league is the ability to drink alcohol within view of the pitch and the best thing about Sjhields is the sheer varierty of bevvies available. I plump for a Beavertown Neck Oil, down it on the terrace, but when I go back for another one, word has got out; this isn’t allowed today, it’s the FA Cup. Any more alcoholic beverages will have to be consumed within the clubhouse.

I then debate where to view the game. The paddock in front of the old main stand looks ideal. However, the roof support is right in my vision, so, despite seeing the mascot, Sandy (folk from South Shields are known as ‘sand dancers’), I retreat to the area in front of the main stand, by the pitchside fence. It’s from here Shields take the lead, early from a corner. The ball is clicked on to the backpost where Mottley-Henry (who else?) heads into an empty net.

Half-time and I use the movement of the crowd to head towards the far end, next to the Scunny fans. That way I’d be able to hear the ‘bantz’ between them and the vocal home support behind the goal. Alas, any banter is one-way, as the Scunny lot have the grizzled look of Vietnam war veterans. Perhaps they will wake up screaming in the middle of the night, PTSD from watching their side plummet from Championship in 2011 to getting beaten by Northern Premier League upstarts now. Come to think, I bet Butterfield played against them that season.

Scunny apply more pressure this second half, but never really look like scoring. I’m most amused / irritated by the booking of the home goalkeeper for timewasting on 65 minutes. The next time he gathers the ball, he holds it for 11 seconds. When will referees ‘grow a pair’, or, at the very least, uphold the laws of the game? Shields see the game out comfortably before I head to the toilet in time to see part of the (brand new) door frame fall off and hit an old bloke on the head. Thankfully, he’s alright, but I’ll take it as a metaphor for Scunthorpe’s present predicament.

The Damage:
£12 ent
£3 programme
£4.20 Beavertown Neck Oil (pint)
£2.20 Beavertown Neck Oil (half)
= £21.40

The Tunes:
BBC5 Live
BBC Radio Newcastle
Wet Leg (Wet Leg)

Harrogate Town 6-1 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 9th October 2021

Harrogate Town 6-1 Scunthorpe United, League 2, EnviroVent Stadium (Wetherby Road), att. 3,180

It’s another international break, and the perfect opportunity for those of us who support a higher division side to put aside the stress of watching one’s own team suffer. I wasn’t alone. Not only did three former Londontykes (plus Junior) make the journey from various parts of Yorkshire, but a couple of us shared a taxi with a couple of Huddersfield fans doing same. The driver said he’d just dropped off some Derby fans too, so no wonder the match broke attendance records, their highest league crowd ever (3,180). It looked more too, as the ground purports to hold 5,000 and there wasn’t much space to be seen. Scunny brought a few too (though I’m sure they regretted it.)

I drove, and well done Loko, who was a few minutes ahead and guided me in (Google Maps being…errr….as little inconsistent). We parked up a couple of streets from the ground, the local disc parking only covering the very nearest streets. It helped getting there early, giving us the chance to walk into the centre, and partake in a beer (just one!) at the magnificent Major Tom’s. Quality craft ales and a Schneiderweisse wheat beer for myself. We all agreed we’re coming back to Harrogate (by train, whatever the cost).

The original plan was to get to the ground early, bag a barrier to lean on, so that went out of the window as we foraged for a Greggs before jumping in taxis. There were healthy queues, partly due to only 5 turnstiles covering 2 sides of the ground. We were soon enough in though as we bemoaned the ‘tickets’ being on Wadd’s phone. (We were all looking forward to having paper copies. How will we remember certain games once Alzheimers kicks in?)

We may have missed a minute. The stand to our right, a thin terrace the length of the touchline, looked packed. As did behind the goal, in front of us. So we stood near the corner flag, and along with a few dozen more, ignored any stewards requests for us to move into the stand proper. It wasn’t a great view of the goal this end, but we could see well enough to the far end, as Harrogate racked up an amazing 5-0 lead by half-time. Fair play to Scunthorpe too. Without their haplessness, there’s no way the Sulphurites (I can’t decide if that’s the best or worst nickname of all time) would’ve scored so many, though their pace melted The Irons (apologies).

On the opposite touchline was the Main Stand, another small, one-tiered affair, and the away end looked a mirror of the home. Scunny had brought a few hundred and a few left early (as in, 1st half early), as we discovered when a blue smoke bomb was hurled over the boundary wall and onto the pitch near us. Before today I’d have been hard pushed to bracket Scunthorpe United with Dinamo Zagreb, but they’re the only sets of fans I’ve seen chucking smoke bombs into a stadium from outside. (Dinamo were playing Austria Vienna away, not Harrogate.) An insane thing to do. I’d never leave a game early.

While we pondered whether Neil Cox would resign as Scunny manager (they’re 2nd off bottom, Town 2nd off top) their side came out early to warm up. It worked too, as they had 3 decent efforts blocked before pulling one back. Still, the last word went to Town, with a late penalty off the post. 6-1 and Harrogate marching on (to promotion?). Plans have already been made for us to return this season. It was nice to enjoy football again.

The Damage:
£16 ent
£3 programme
£5 taxi
= £24

The Tunes:
BBC 5Live
The Bairns (Rachel Unthank and the Winterset)
BBC6 Music (Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show)

BFC 2-0 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 2nd February 2019

‘Mutton dressed as lamb?  Mutton dressed as yak, more like.’’

The pre-match meal of champions.

Well, that was easy.  An early goal up, another before half time and despite Davies tipping over a close ranger as the 1^st half drew to a close, the result was never in doubt.  I suggested we could all go home after McGeehan had notched the 2^nd and so it proved.  I don’t think Scunny had a shot on target the second half.  Mind, I’m not sure we had that many.  But with the team knocking the ball around confidently, a couple of rounds of ‘It’s just like watching Brazil’  were heard from the Ponty.  We are a team on the march.

More town centre rebuilding.

The Adam Hammill Appreciation Society (AHAS) also turned out in force, as the former Reds’ legend took to the field for new club Scunny, and till about the 70^th minute he was the only player’s name I heard chanted.  According to the papers today, he also should have had a penalty, having ‘been chopped by Pinnock.’  I wish I could remember it, but it passed me by.  As a member of the AHAS, I’d like to think it happened though.  Perhaps I was daydreaming, cos for once I was there for kick off. 

I still miss Grove Street School.

We went ahead with a very bizarre goal. Mowatt lined one up from 35 yards and just as I was shouting ‘NOT FROM THERE!’ the ball drifted into the middle of the net.  The consensus was the keeper must have lost the flight of the ball due to the low sun. Or put another way, I’d never have forgiven Davies for conceding the same.  Looked like the keeper moved out of the way of it. Anyway, thanks very much.

Note the sun in the keeper's eyes.

With Mowatt pulling the strings in midfield, we pressed on and scored another jammy goal after 41 mins, McGeehan heading home when the ball deflected to him.  Still, you have to be in it to win it and his late runs into the box are a thing of majesty.  The Oakwell Paul Scholes.  Scunny then have 2 chances to pull one back before half time and Davies saves. Always said he was a great keeper.

Match action in front of the old Main Stand.

Half time came and went.  I was back sitting downstairs today cos my dad’s friend is ill and couldn’t make it upstairs, so I did the decent thing.  Luckily (selfishly) I didn’t have to do the coffee run this time as she came flask in hand.  But one thing I don’t miss about the back row of the lower tier is the number of spectators (I’ll not call them ‘fans’) who leave the match early.  Do they leave a film early? What’s the rush?  Can’t afford to miss the start of whatever Ant and Dec are presenting this week?  At least the bloke next to me had forgotten to put his man perfume on this week.  Small mercies.  

The Ponty v Scunny.

All this waffle is to say that even a day later I can’t remember owt about the 2^nd half.  Something tells me Brown nearly scored. Kiefer had a goal disallowed, but looked miles offside.  But that was 1^st half.  Yeah, about all I remember was Hammill got subbed, the home fans sang his name again, and at the end he came back on to do a mini lap of honour and hug as many of his old teammates as he could.  Anyone would think he wishes he were still at Oakwell.  I know plenty of others wish he was.
In a word: comfortable
Onwards and upwards!
*** Mowatt .  Absolutely ran the show.  Give and gos, driving forward, supreme passing, scored.  Sponsors MOTM. 
** McGeehan.  Best central midfield partnership in the division? 
* Davies.  Faultless (though he had nothing to do, 2^nd half)
Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Mowatt  2. McGeehan  3. Cavare

In an away end far, far away...980 Scunny fans.  Good effort.

Despatches:

Cavare again looked excellent going forward and between him and Brown, the future of the right looks certain.  Pinniloss, in for Williams, was solid if unspectacular.  Pinnock was his usual level of ubercool and Lindsay had another good game.  Best defensive partnership in the division?  Thiam had a couple of decent runs.  Up top, Moore looked on point without ever looking like scoring, while Cauley had a very quiet game.  Still, best front two in the division?  
As ever, well done our privatised rail companies, as the Hull Trains vehicle we were on was 45 minutes late.  That’s 45 extra minutes in a cold waiting room in Doncaster.  Ba5tards.  The mood was slightly more chipper in Kings X, as a Londontyke who shall remain nameless (A. Reed) attempted to help the tourist stragglers at platform 9 and ¾ by renting a trolley for them to pose with.  They were not grateful.

Drink du jour: Schniederweisse (#7) and Weihanstephaner (Parcel Yard).  Inbetween?  Spiced rum and ginger ale (not ginger beer; we have learnt that lesson).

Away: 980.  Very decent, given their home average.

The Damage:
£26 train
£2 fanzine
= £28

The Tunes:
Plumb (Field Music)
Portishead (Portishead)

East Stand pano

Ponty pano (cheers Jonesy!)

Be proud!

Welcome to ....

Bristol Rovers 1-1 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 24th February 2018

Bristol Rovers 1-1 Scunthorpe United (att. 8,346)

Welcome to ....

I love this stadium! Whilst the Memorial Ground, Bristol, is #90 of the 92, the wait was well worthwhile. What a crazy ground! A former rugby ground (the gates are still emblazoned ‘Bristol Rugby’) it has more stands than any I’ve seen since the demise of the Manor Ground, Oxford. How ironic that Oxford United these days play in a 3-sided stadium.

The Optimum Drywall Systems Stand.  Probably.

The Memorial is a belter. I got a bus up the Gloucester Road from the city centre (#70 something) and you enter through the gates into the stadium compound, behind the North Stand. Ticket offices right in front, a handy price list for each part of the stadium, bang on. But no, I can’t have a seat in the East or West Stands, sold out. That’s ok. Rovers have several terraces. Do I go behind the goal with the hardcore, beside the East Stand…or maybe go in the away end. No, not the latter. I’m sure I read you can’t get a beer in the away end, and, for once, I may fancy one, since pre-match was spent wandering around shops (shops!) looking for a birthday present or 3. There can’t be many of us here today with a flower-pressing kit in one’s bag.

Take yer pick.  But why are away fans charged more to stand?

Luckily, I didn’t choose a ticket on the West terrace either. This was a family stand, and without any kids in tow, a single gentleman of a certain age may leave himself open to interpretation. East Terrace it was. Plenty of space (hardly a sellout on the terraces, though busy enough). Also, my 1st ever experience of a flat white in a football stadium. I’d been craving one for a couple of hours, though I wasn’t prepared to lower my stance by infiltrating a passing Starbucks. £3 or the price of an 88 page programme. Twas nice tho. Just the thing to wash down a Cornish pasty.

The East Stand towers.

Half time came, save for watching 45 minutes of men trying to control a ball on a bobbly pitch. The rugger buggers may have left, but the pitch still played otherwise. The grass looked barely cut, there were marks all over and the ball bounced at funny angles. Did the groundsman not get the note about it being football this week? (Before I have his family on my case, it could well be two things; Rovers may have requested a dreadful pitch in an effort to give themselves a chance against a far better footballing side in Scunny, or little can be done, a la Newport’s mudbath.)

The teams line up in front of the West Stand.

I went for a wander. I wondered why no-one had a beer and I presumed it was cos our terrace was in view of the pitch. But no, sneak behind the East Stand and a small doorway leads into their social club. Ahhh, bliss, on a chilly day. Half a cider and scores on the telly (the Super Reds are winning two-nil at Brum). I know, I should have had a pint, but I was pushed for time as I’d just had a cheeky climb up the East Stand to check out the view (amazing – inc. most of Bristol!) and had a chat with the steward about why the rugby team now plays at Ashton Gate. I bet their fans aren’t impressed, swapping the homely and characterful Memorial for whatever Ashton Gate purports to be these days. Certainly neither characterful nor homely.

The South Stand (with County Cricket club floodlights behind).

The East Stand is a tall affair which dominates the stadium, despite being only spanning around half of each side of the pitch. Opposite, is a smart modern stand with a terraced paddock, a ‘shelf’ of seats and executive facilities upstairs. I understand why folk think it looks more in place at rugby or cricket, the small arch and underhanging TV gantry giving it an unusual look. Again, this stand doesn’t reach much more than half the pitch and what surely is a temporary stand has been tacked on at the southern end, with the covered family terrace flanking the other side. The South Stand is a small stand with a propped roof which manages to look like a circus tent, coloured in the blue and white stripes of Rovers. Seated away fans share this stand and on rainier days this might be a good idea, as those stood in the open on the southern side of the East Stand leave themselves at the mercy of the elements. Finally, there’s the Thatcher’s (Cider) North Terrace, which, although sizeable in modern parlance, was a good way from the goalline, to allow for Rovers’ conversions following their tries.

The Family Enclosure...a ballboy waits.

Anyway, due to only having a half, I was out in time to see kick off. And what’s this? I’d forgotten all about Scunny having a Barnsley loanee, Cameron McGeehan, in their squad. Bought for a sizeable wad from Luton and now usually warming the bench for Scunthorpe, today he was getting a starting run. Only it took me 45 mins to realise. So, with my beady eye I discerned one perfect throughball (wasted), one intercepted throughball and a wildly sliced shot. Then he was taken off. Presumably this was to protect Scunny’s lead, a scuffed shot from an incisive ball down the left putting them ahead after an hour.

The North Terrace

It didn’t work. The away side, despite being the better team, backed off, and in injury time, a low cross was put in from the right and a defender gets his leg to it thereby inadvertently killing the ball perfectly for Rovers to lash in from close range. A suitably poor goal befitting of this match. If you can, check out the highlights on youtube – even the highlights show how bad this game was. Worth coming to see the stadium, not worth coming to see the football.

The Scunny terrace (227 travellers).

And then a pootle down Gloucester Road. No rush this time, and I walked most of the way back, via a couple of pubs. And although I did enjoy seeing England struggle in the old egg-chasing against 3rd world rugger nation Scotland, there’s only so much I can take of a pub full of interested specimens (even if they did have Leffe on tap). Most pubs were busy, it being 6 Nations and all, but then I found a quiet bar. ‘You not showing rugby?’ ‘No.’ ‘Good.’

Full time.

The Damage:
£18 Ent
£3.50 Cornish pasty
£1.90 Thatcher’s Gold cider (half)
£3 prog
£16.56 travel (Megabus: bargain!)
= £42.96

The Tunes:
Stay Gold (First Aid Kit)
Pure, Impure (Seefeel)
Quique (Seefeel)
Behind the Counter with Max Richter (Various)
Man Alive (Everything Everything)
Prince of Tears (Prince of Tears)
Utopia (Bjork)
Singles 1993-2003 (Chemical Brothers)
Slowdive (Slowdive)
Silver or Lead (Ursula Rucker)

Memorial Ground panorama

1500 tickets gone for the big 'derby'.

The higgledy piggledy nature of the stadium is announced early.

The ticket office.  Fast and efficient.

Welcome to Britain, 2018.

I thought part of the appeal of watching games live was the atmosphere...

The East Stand.

Memorial Ground floodlights.

Looking toward the North Terrace.

Upstairs in the East Stand.

The coolest strip in the land?