Barnsley 2-0 Yeovil Town, Saturday 10th January 2014

‘Doctor, Doctor, my fanny smells of coconuts.’

Well, a win is a win.  Though that’s not quite how I felt after Satdy’s match, having frozen my nuts off watching us for a large part struggle against the basement side, at home, who only had 10 men for 70 minutes.  We were s***.   We never got out of our half until they had a bloke sent off (allegedly for throwing an elbow at Waring off the ball).  Until then, Yeovil were camped in our half and coulda scored 3 times.  Weirdly, it felt like a carbon copy of last year, where they shoulda scored 10.  

Then the sending off.  Never look a gifthorse in the mouth, we’ll romp this.  We limped to half time, creating nowt.  In the meantime, they picked us off on the break.  I tell you, every time they had the ball, 5 of them would race forward.  Then when they lost it, 4 of those 5 would leg it back, while we tippy-tappied it amongst ourselves.  The only player not playing tippy-tappying was Kiwomya, who delighted in running at players at pace, before losing it.  Still, Danny preached patience before the game and I guess the message seemed even more apt against 10 men.

156 Yeovil fans. Apparently.

However, not long after the restart, the breakthrough came.  Thank god Hourihane can’t take a corner, cos the resultant clearance was headed straight back to him.  2^nd time lucky, as he swung one in deep, Kiwomya challenged the keeper and the ball dropped for Waring to tap home.  He celebrated like he'd won the world cup.  Later, a fast breaking move from US (or should I say, from the new Slovakian) ended with Hourihane being brought down and slotting home for his 12th of the season.  We settled for the two.

*** Pearson.  Absolutely ran the game from defensive-mid.  Always made himself available, looked to make a pass and broke down so many of their moves, either through a tackle or an interception.  The new Darren Sheridan.  Sponsors MOTM.

** Holgate.  Pure class, again. This time moved over from full back after Ramage went off injured.  He's the composed centre-back Nyatanga (who?) was meant to be (but isn't).

* John Malkovic or Kiwomya. Do I go with the Slovak, who ripped them to bits, ot Kiwomya, who softened them up in the 1st place?  I'll go with Lalkovic (yes, I had to look him up). He looked terrifying, yet I worry with his track record of clubs, it's never gonna work out.  We'll see.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Holgate
2. Pearson
3. M'Voto

Go Super Reds!

Despatches:
As I said Kiwomya looked fast and dangerous. Just needs to know when to take the right option.  Waring, 6'5" tall, 6'2" stood up and about 6 foot when he jumps.  His touch looks better than his ability to head but everyone else thinks he was bullied on Satdy. Awww, bless.  He's meant to be a brick outhouse FFS. Williams (the non-league bloke) looked ok, no more - but it was great to see Holgate making his mouth go and telling him what to do, where to go.  Lita couldn't get a kick, and was problies upset at being hauled off while Jennings came on for 13 minutes and looked fat.  Digby got a runout (hurrah!) but then proceeded to keep kicking it to them (boooo).  His BFC career is disappearing over that hill.  If his passing's not top notch, there's little else to his game.  Smith was sound defensively, but his crossing was all a bit Tom Williams. And then there's Hourihane.  Given I've not seen any of you 5 or 6 put him in your top 3, you may be as amazed as I to see his mark in the Football League Paper: 9/10.  Yet another trundling effort for me.  Can't we sell him? I hear he's worth money....and Washday are interested. Perfick.

The massive plus of course was all the youngsters in the team (some of 'em actually ours!).  But let's not get excited.  The sending off was key.  And we still only won 2-0, including a penalty.

Away: 156.  Really?  Andy and Andy counted 57 and 75 respectively. Maybe at any one point half of em were under the stand keeping warm.  Clever barstewards.

Bright lights, big city.

Yeovil 1-4 Barnsley, Saturday 29th March 2014

‘The Casting Couch’ (R.I.P. Loko)

Sarah thinks it’s the new ties on the Londontykes flag (which she sewed).  Two games, two wins.  Phil thinks it’s buying me a match programme – which he has done for Forest home, Reading and Yeovil away.  Three wins in three games.  Maybe it’s Andy Reed missing games?  (Last two).  Some have suggested a correlation between Jacob Ba5tard Fcuking Mellis being absent from our midfield.  Others suggest it’s these new tactics of D. Wilson esq, which actually have us in the opposition’s half of the field, scoring some goals.  Whatever, who cares…we’re FLYING! 

Does it get any better than this?  From the barmaid at the 1^st pub, to the journey back to Londontown, this was a day to savour.  In what is comfortably the best week of the season, we record not one, but two consecutive away wins – having previously had the worst away record in the division!  I’m loving it (loving it loving it).  To the surprise of all, Selwood is even at Waterloo, waiting for us, as we get the 09:20 – just like BFC (no hassle / Hassell).  At Yeovil we hop in a 7 seater (perfick!) and head into town.  Great 1^st boozer (see ‘barmaid’) but no-one else there, so off we pitch to another one.  Naturally, the ‘pub crawl’ begins and ends at the Wetherspoons, as we bump into various odds and sods (Neil!) including the Courthouse Reds, sporting a variety of oompah loompas (sp?) and tellytubbies for some reason.  Time for one more pub, the Elephant and Castle – but it’s been closed for 37 years according to the plaque.  So as 3 of us crawl back to Wetherspoons, the 3 who’d YET TO GET A ROUND IN disappear.  Yes, Loko, Salisbury and Selwood – I mean YOU.

The Family Crainie (plus Londontyke).  And he's not even playing!

The ground is barely closer to the town centre than the railway station, so it’s taxi time again to the ground.  Get there in perfect time, about 2 mins before KO.  Phil spends the half looking for a programme seller, convinced we’ll not win if he doesn’t buy me one.  (I must admit, I’m liking this ritual).  Did I mention how glorious the weather was?  Open terrace, beautiful sunshine.  Honestly, I could get used to this.  Get in ground and some kind souls have even left a space for the flag.  800 Reds fans are there to see the latest slaying.  (Apparently, about 23 tickets had been sold BEFORE we beat Reading).

2 Reds fans celebrate finding the ground

1^st half – errr….can’t remember much.  They had a fantastic one touch move from a free kick ending in Steele making a(nother) world class save.  He’s come bang into form at the right time.  Apart from that, neither threatened.  A cagey affair.

2^nd half – f*** me.  I think it’s fair to say we never missed a chance, as we racked up 4, conceding one.  O’G opens it up, lobbing the keeper from an underheaded backpass.  The fool.  Lawrence makes it two-nil.  (This may be the one where we win the ball back by Noble-Lazarus chasing back: Mellis, are you reading this?).  It was getting a bit boring by now, so we throw them a bone and they hit a crisp shot from an unmarked bod on the backpost.  But these Barnsley Boys don’t even give us time to worry: O’G runs clear and rounds the keeper (1-3) before Jennings hits another belter for 4-1.  I am hugging a teletubby.

Celebrity Reds' fans (plus Gorilla)

*** Tonight Matthew, I’m going with goalscorers.  So it’s O’G – gorgeous finishes to match his gorgeous looks (!).
** Jennings.  Another ‘typical’ Jennings performance.  As in ‘typical of him since he came back from loan’. 
* Lawrence.  Gets better and better.

Despatches:
You know you’ve lost it when you’re arguing with Dipsy and Tinky Winky, but that’s what we had as an irate Yeovil fan left the ground before the end.  Eh Oh!!!!!!!!

Jean-Yves.  In what must be the most backhanded compliment of a song, we had ‘Hard to believe it you know…you’ll never beat M’Voto’.  Another awesome game.  (Later on, were the words changed to ‘He’s magic you know’?  I can’t remember)  Anyway, he appears to be ‘Doing a Darren’ (Moore).

We were fabulous, from back to front.  Well, if you include once Pedersen had gone off (injured) after 24 mins.  Sorely missed?  Never noticed him.  Replaced by Noble-Lazarus.  (Add that to your ‘reasons we’ve won the last 2 matches’.)

After lots of crowing, we finally left the ground, got the beers in at the supermarket (I’m telling youse that WAS Kennedy!) and taxied it back to the station for the train.  Where I necked 2 bottles of red, and after another guzzle at The Hole in the Wall, I fell asleep on the bus and ended up in Dulwich. Perfick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol does this to you...

We’re still going down, but finally, finally, the Reds are putting up a fight.  It’s all I ask.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A

Barnsley 1-1 Yeovil, Saturday 14th December 2013 (Happy Birthday Paul!)‏

‘I feel shit’

The away dressing room

What a game.  Like 2 bald men fighting over a comb, or 2 fat blokes battering each other to exhaustion in a MMA bash (I’ve seen the latter), next season’s division 3 mid-tablers fought out a thrilling and error-strewn contest.  It coulda, shoulda, finished 10-6 – to Yeovil.

In the exec box today, lads!

The opener set the scene for the match, as a harmless through ball was left by Ramage after a shout from Butland.  Cue the keeper left in no man’s land as their striker ran past Ramage to hook the ball into the net.  Loko tears up about 3 betting slips.  (Why do people bet on their OWN team?)  Still, like Birmingham last time out, there’s plenty of time for the Super Reds to pull it back, and besides, that goal will force them to come out and play.

So, Mellis loses it (again) on the halfway line and we are caught short.  A quick break and it’s one-on-one with Butland….it’s beaten Butland…it must be a goal…Christ, it’s 2-0….oh my lord!  It’s hit the post and ran across the goal to safety.  What ARE we doing?  This lot are s***.  (Them, not us.  But us as well).

Honestly, the half was crazy.  We had the ball most of the time, but every time they had it they ran up the pitch and missed an unbelievable chance.  I cannot describe every chance missed, but me and Moll counted them from the exec box and made it 6 or 7, for sure.  It should certainly have been four nil before we were given the proverbial ‘lifeline’ with a dodgy pen – Cywka having his foot slightly clipped, but not really worth a pen.  Cheers ref!  Tudgay steps up to score the only way he knows how – on a plate.

Us scoring...it's all a blur.

Everyone knows we don’t deserve owt, yet, remarkably, we are a clearance off the line away from 2-1 up.  How we’d have laughed.  (Actually, we were still laughing from the penalty decision.)   O’Brien, who’d given us some form of attacking impetus since coming on as sub, knocks a ball back 1^st time for the onrushing (on-plodding?) Mellis to curl into the top corner.  Fabulous finish, beats the keeper all ends up.  Shame about the backtracking defender who heads the ball over for a corner.  Somehow we limp to half time, still level.

The break gives us and the players a chance to have a beer in the warmth.  That made a pleasant change.  Surely we’d improve after the break, with a bollocking from the manager?

Yes and no.  We certainly looked better, not giving Yeovil quite as many chances to score, but it was a tired performance towards the end.  Yeovil still had golden opportunities, notably a couple of headers from 4 yards out and a 3 on 1 break which they spectacularly messed up.  Then, with Scotland already on, Mellon played his trump card: sending on centre half M’Voto up front.  And would you believe it – he nearly scored, a marvellous diving save from their keeper .  Within a minute, the keeper makes another point blank save and the Super Reds look almost likely to nick it in injury time.  And Yeovil still  nearly scored again on the break.

So there it is.  One-all and no-one in any doubt that these two teams are going down.  The only question is who will come bottom.

***  O’Brien.  Legged it forward, legged it back, put us in some promising positions by playing the ball 1^st time instead of controlling it, holding it, waiting for 3 defenders to turn up, then giving it away (are you listening, McCourt?)

**  Cwyka.  Best chance of a goal.  Hit 2 or 3 shots, at least one of which was spilled by the keeper for the centre forward to tap home.  Except said centre forwards were never there.  Understandably, he tired towards the end (as did O’Brien).  Got the pen with a nice bit of skill.

* M’Voto.  To hell with it.  Tactical genius or desperate, desperate throw of the dice, but created havoc when pushed up front.  (‘As he does in defence’, some might say).

Sponsors MOTM: Mellis.  Hilarious.

The press area at Oakwell.  For no reason in particular.

Despatches:

Ramage – bloody awful.  It wasn’t even the f*** up with Butland what narked, it was the twice I saw him turned in our own box in the second half.  Only woeful finishing prevented the subsequent crosses from being goals.  And with the number of chances they missed, that was SOME hole in centre defence. Hassell anyone?

McCourt.  Thank god someone tackled him, giving him the opportunity to limp out of another match, cos him and Mellis in midfield are a liability.  As I said earlier, all McCourt does is hold up the pace of an attack by holding onto the ball and wanting to go on a dribble.  There is a time and a place, Paddy. Occasionally, son, you need to resist temptation and lay the ball off 1^st time to somebody ELSE.  Alternatively, p*** off and go and play beach football. (Mind, he made one SUPERB pass to put Wiseman through early on.  Shame Wiseman had neither the ability nor inclination to stick out the requisite foot to control the ball.)

Tudgay/Pedersen.  Weak as p***.  What one can’t do, the pair of them certainly can’t.  Neither held a ball up all day and one O’Grady does more on his own than this pair can do together.  We’d be better sticking another man in midfield, or, dare I say it, play 4-4-1-1 with Paddy or Mellis behind the striker.  Then there’s the times we hit a shot and the keeper spills it.  This pair are STILL stood 3 yards behind the defenders.  GET IN THERE.  Don’t WAIT to see where the ball is going, GAMBLE.  Christ on a velocipede. 

Mellis.  What is there to say?  It was the kind of game where his fans (Selwood) got to point out 2 or 3 moments of brilliance and say he had a good game, while the other 9000 (I’m not counting all the kids with free tickets who had their heads in bags of sweets) noticed how many times he simply gave the ball away to the opposition.  Invariably this was done somewhere on the halfway line, with other Reds’ players pushing forward…leaving us remarkably susceptible to the counter attack.

Mind, did the MOTM presentation give us the mark of the man?  While he was hunted out in the dressing room to be told to get over to the exec suite pronto, he gets his clothes on and sneaks out the back entrance into the night.  I’d love to give him the benefit of the doubt; he’s embarrassed by the award, he knows how bad he was, and he’s going home to sulk.  Or b) he’s gonna rush out to the players’ Christmas party and forget all about who pays his wages.  I was looking forward to asking him how well he thought he’d played an’ all.

The infamous West Stand bogs.  Or a comment on Jacob Mellis?

Fair dues to the professionalism of Pedersen and Dawson to come out for the sponsors.  ‘So, Marcus, after the team gave it’s all today, how do you feel?’  ‘I feel s***’.  Brilliant.  He wasn’t allowed near the mic again.  And then there’s Dawson, somehow hiding the disappointment of not being picked against his own brother’s team, sounding very articulate (and media trained) in focusing his answers on what was ‘best for the team’.  I’d have told it like it was.  (Barry Murphy tried, bless, him, but is perhaps suffering from the age old problem of…old age, so simply repeated the same 3 sentences half a dozen times.)

Hassell – I was reading the programme.  Can Wadd get our official club historian to find out what the longest run of non-playing substitute appearances is please, cos I reckon Hassell is now up there.  Must be easy being a Barnsley manager.  Placate these Barnsley numpties by putting Hassell in the squad, but don’t give him a game, no matter how bad it gets in defence.  

Of course, none of this report should fail to mention it was the 60^th birthday of a Mr P. Norris, match programme sponsor, loyal BFC exile and all round good egg.  Thanks to his generosity for treating us to the exec box.  Don’t let Jacob Mellis ruin your b/day, mate.  (Otherwise you’ll let him ruin every Saturday!)  Great day, great to see everyone, and a nice touch from the Vienna branch for sending the champagne.  Note to Bob:  next time, send 2 or 3 bottles!

Paul – Happy 60^th.  I had a great time.  I hope you did too!!!!

Happy Birthday, P!

The sponsor looking more dejected than the players...

Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!

A