Crawley Town 0-3 BFC, Saturday 31st August 2024

‘Mum, I’m NOT autistic.’

Y’know, I like visiting London. And York. And Leeds. And Manchester. Just not in the same day, as I did yesterday while trying to get back home. Took me two and half hours to get to London and six and a half BACK. But at least I got to enjoy a wheat beer in the Piccadilly Tap in Manchester while staring out at the locals getting drenched by one of those downpours we specialise in up here. My train from Kings Cross had been cancelled but I was allowed to choose either of 2 trains either side. So I went for the earlier one…that’d be the emptiest, right? Not so. The small matter of Mags v Spurs meant I squeezed on...and found myself sharing a vestibule with the moaniest and loudest of Spurs fans and a couple of Albanians going north ‘on business’ (their words). I sat on the floor to Peterborough and had to stand from there to York. It says something when you’re more resigned than angry.

Thankfully we won, in the most imperious, boring manner possible, batting Crawley out of sight in the first half before resting on our laurels and admiring our fine work. All on 27% possession, I’m told. Really? Time and again, first half, we cut through them. It could have been 6 or 7. That it wasn’t was due to the usual profligacy. Watters ran clean through and missed. Marsh came on and missed. Phillips hit the post.

We went ahead fairly early, as O’Keefe swung over a corner to the backpost for Pines to head in before pulling up his shirt to reveal ‘Jesus is King’ underneath. That’s brainless on at least two levels, as he received a yellow card for his troubles. (He looked less than impressed when he was subbed later, but what would we have said about the manager if Pines had got himself a second yellow?) Anyway, it gave us a chance to have one-eleventh of ‘a team of Marc Roberts’ which a few in our corner were chanting for.

Two-nil came courtesy of Adam Phillips, coolly slotting the same chance Watters had earlier missed. It was beautiful, making the keeper think he was going to shoot across him and just passing the ball into the keeper’s nearside. Phillips also scored the third, assisted by himself, as he slalomed through their defence before being cleaned out. It was the worst penalty I’ve seen since the one he missed at Forest Green a year or 2 back. Straight down the middle, it went through the diving keeper’s legs. Still, at 3 goals this season, he’s outscoring our centre forwards.

Watters went off early. 9th minute early. Bit harsh, I thought, hauling him that early for that miss, but it seemed he had an injury. Wistfully, I definitely never mused that if it was career ending, we’d at least get some insurance money back on him. On came Marsh to run around for 81 minutes. He’s keen, but I’m with whichever Oakwell historian reckoned he’d end up in Conference North.

Second half, Lofthouse ran clear (saved) and Connell had a 20 odd yard half volley acrobatically tipped round the post, but otherwise it was a non-event. Crawley Town nil, Barnsley three and the demons of yesteryear (2015, 5-1, one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen) were partially exorcised. But one of these teams is clearly in the wrong division.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. A cut above.
** O’Keefe. I think he was meant to be LWB, but got up in support and had a good understanding with Phillips.
* Pines. Scored, had another header over, under no threat at back. Marked down for the t-shirt.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. Craig 3= Cotter/Pines

Despatches:
Slonina had nothing to do. De Givigny had nothing to do. Earl had nothing to do. Cotter had another good game. The midfield worked hard (cos the defence had nothing to do, and chances were created), but I still don’t notice Craig. I’m told he played well, but he’s invisible to me. I’m not saying I don’t rate him, but that I never see him. Don’t ask me what he does, cos I don’t know. Connell was ok, Lofthouse was quiet. And Marsh...Marsh...he tries, bless.

It also never dawned on me till I was in the toilet in the pub after the match (where all my best thoughts appear), but it was my dad’s birthday on Satdy. He’d have been 80. Back in the day when I was gallivanting all round Europe during summer, this last game in August was my first Reds’ game of the season. I can take solace that there’s no way he’d have come down to Crawley. He wasn’t an idiot.

Drink du jour: Juice Junkie IPA (Kent Brewery), Bird House in Your Soul hazy pale ale (Nightjar), DDH Jaipur IPA (Thornbridge) at the Brewery Shades. I wasn’t keen on any of ‘em, so had a couple of celebratory Neck Oils later. Only £7.50 (each).

Away: 847

The Damage:
£18 ent
£21 London-Crawley
£53 The north-London
= £92

Crawley Town 5-1 Barnsley, Saturday 14th February 2015

‘plus ça change’ 

Welcome to Crawley!

The more things change, the more they remain the same.  Directionless under Wilson, now absolutely rudderless under his minions Burton and Heckingbottom (a new comedy duo?)  According to Chief Exec Mansford, we’ve despatched with Wilson with half an eye on season tickets for next season.  Well, I’d be more concerned about what division we’re in as we slumped to a 7^th away defeat in a row, mauled by a side beaten by 5 at home to Doncaster in midweek.  It wasn’t pretty, as Reds fans cheered Crawley’s 5^th, chants of ‘you’re not fit to wear the shirt’ and many leaving 59 minutes in (3-0).  Yet it all looked so easy.

Don't be fooled, Crawley's not all concrete

For 40 minutes there was only one team in it – us.  Of course, those 40 minutes barely registered a chance, as the closest we got to scoring was a Holgate flick from a corner, superbly tipped onto the bar by the keeper.  Still, no rush – there’s an entire half to look forward to.  According to Burton ‘We restricted them to hardly nothing’.  Great, we’ve employed someone who can’t even speak English proper.  Still, at least he admitted ‘3 or 4 threw the towel in’.  If only he’d been brave enough beforehand to make a few changes; instead, it was virtually an unchanged line up, save for Holgate’s return.

Londontyke legend 'Ooh Gerry Gerry'.  Hair colour: unknown.

1-0 A punt down the middle in 1^st half injury time is flicked on (are you reading this Waring?) and the centre halves watch as McLeod runs past them to lob over a stranded Turnbull.  How many times has Turnbull been lobbed this season?  He’s no Manuel Neuer.

2-0 A beautiful inswinging free kick gives the defence and keeper the sh*ts.  Everyone misses it, Turnbull parries and the rebound is most definitely not picked up by anything in a Barnsley shirt.

3-0 Identical free kick, this time headed home.  ‘To be fair’ (as Danny would’ve said) they were great free kicks.  If I was the defender who gave the 2nd free kick away, I might have learnt from what happened after the 1^st one and wouldn’t.  59 minutes gone and time for Selwood, Norris and Molly to leave.

3-1 Inspired substitutions (ho ho) as everyone’s favourite, Hemmings, comes on and bags a close range header after Oates wins it in the air (are you reading this, Waring?)

4-1 Normal service resumes. Nyatanga somehow gives the ball away on the edge of our box and the early shot completely flummoxes a hapless Turnbull who palms it in.  How many times has Turnbull done THAT this season?  (Dunno, but he did it last week at Swindon).

5-1 Scowan gives it away on the halfway line but can’t catch a bloke who has to control a ball and run at the same time.

Next match...last Tuesday.

*** Holgate.  Welcome back Mason.  I’m sorry you missed your chance to go in January.

** Smith.  We concede 5 and I make our fullbacks the best players. What does THAT say about the centre halves and keeper?  Bizarrely taken off to make way for M’Voto at centre half and Nyatanga switched to left back.

* I have no idea.  Hemmings. He bagged.  And cos everyone keeps telling me he’s s***.  (What, worse than anyone else we have up front?)  His goalscoring record is certainly better than Lita, Waring, etc etc
Londontykes top 3:
1. Holgate
2. Scowen

3. Pearson

My view.  I wish that post had been wider.

Despatches:
Nyatanga had a ‘mare.  Was he deliberately shifted to left back so that he had to run the gauntlet of Reds fans?  (Sample line: ‘Nyatanga!  Tek that f***ing shirt off.  You’re a disgrace.’)  There’s just no way he was moved out cos Smith was having a poor game.  Waring.  Why?  Is Rhys Oates REALLY that bad that we’d rather give this Stoke plodder a game ahead of him?  Lita was given a runout and even managed a few touches before being dragged off.  Hourihane had the kind of game he’s been having since the start of October.  Undroppable.  Scowan seems to be a new favourite but I haven’t seen anything in him.  Running back after giving the ball away is the LEAST I expect, that’s not ‘a good effort’.  He still failed.

It really was abysmal.  So much so we’re being offered our money back.  I went thinking we might never play at the Checkatrade.com Stadium (!) ever again, but after that performance, I’m not so sure.  They’re going down – what’s to say we’re not?

That Big Top feeling.  Welcome to the BFC circus.

At least it was a decent pre-match effort, as attendance at the Brewery Shades was top notch.  Lots of real ale on tap, followed by a taxi to the ground. Handily, we got a bus back from outside the away end for a quick getaway.  Oh, and Crawley even had their own old-skool programme shack, selling plenty of old Barnsley home and away progs. Will I come to regret not buying that Wartime Cup programme v Chesterfield in 1945?

Drink du jour: Kronenburg for me, Sliding Tackle or somesuch for the bitterers.

Crowd: 2,296 (425 away, Burton told me so).  I was looking forward to standing on a terrace, but instead we were herded into some temporary seating with a sort of ‘Big Top’ roof.  Perfect for the circus we were about to witness.

Welcome to the Checkatrade.com Stadium.  I kid you not.

Canny business, the breezeblock trade.

Away turnstyles

Home end.  Literally dozens of 'em.

Sexy L shaped cover (repeated at home end)

Can it get any worse?  (Yes).

Are they 40 watt bulbs or 60?