Franchise FC 2-0 Barnsley, Saturday 24th January 2015

'He's ambidextrous.  He's s*** with both his head and his feet.'

Away end?  Just find the nearest police van...

Another away defeat (5 in a row and counting) as the Reds ruin a comfortable 1st half by falling apart in the 2nd. Honestly, there was nothing in it in the 1st half, despite us being without Holgate or a forward line.  (Waring doesn't count.)  Then the 2nd, we couldn't get out of our half, go a couple of goals down and then see Wilson's (again) bizarre attempt at turning things around by going with as many donkeys up front as possible.  Mind, he exceeded the Donny tally, managing to finish the game with Phenix on the right wing and Oates on the left, supporting Chief Carthorse Waring down the middle.  How is the latter any better than what we've got? If we have big strapping donkeys of our own, shouldn't we be improving their game, rather than a Stoke City reserve who will probably (probably) eke out a career in the lower divisions, if he's lucky?

Comfiest (padded) seats in the division

Sorry, wind my neck in a bit.  No, let's not.  (Dangle)Berry.  (Look it up.)  What does he do?  Well, nothing, but like a real dangleberry, manages to just hang around and irritate.  The one time he HAD something to do, he lets (the, ok, £9m rated) Deli Alli run past him onto a loose ball before quickly firing in a snapshot off the post. Class finish, if you discount Dangleberry's ball-watching.  Didn't we just spend MONEY on a midfielder from Wycombe? So how's Berry getting a game?  (On a connected note, I hear Cambridge have come into some money....couldn't we send him back?)  As Andy said, he's had his hair cut, so we can't even admire him flicking his fringe every 30 seconds.

Sheets draped in front of the concourse...no drinking in sight of..etc

Still, we have Hourihane in midfield, creative genius and future midtable Championship player. Well, at least he put a tackle in.  Which is why the Football League Paper saw fit to give him 8/10. We must have a secret agent at that paper, if you look at his scores every week.  It's our best chance of selling him.  Again created FA going forward, let alone actually having a shot.

Kiwomya meantime barely got a kick and when he did, he did that thing many fast players do, where they kick it miles ahead, beat the 1st man...but the 2nd man is alert to his pace so is already on the cover and simply picks it off.  If Hourihane has the vision of Mr Magoo, then Kiwomya is Stevie Wonder.  Eventually dragged off, to be replaced on the wing by a lumbering centre forward (Oates) - see earlier.  WTF?

Pristine verging on sterile

MK Dons grabbed a 2nd; Grigg flicks it past M'Voto, rounds Turnbull and rolls it home.  Another class finish.  Oh, to see one of them in OUR favour.  But who in our squad could possibly have the ability to finish like those two today?  Thereafter, Turnbull was on a one-man damage limitation job as the asses dropped back (8), leaving the donkeys (3) on the halfway line.

The full-time whistle couldn't come fast enough as one of our ultras tried to get a 'Wilson Out!' chant going to no avail, and before you knew it, you had 2 fat oiks arguing with each other over who is the fattest oik...or maybe it was to do with the Wilson thing, who knows???  Someone was heard to shout 'Fight fight fight!!!' (me) but nothing came of it.  But why are we stressing ourselves over what's happening on the pitch?  Come on lads, let's not lose our cool.  The team are s***, we're 2 points above relegation and going down faster than Divine Brown (one for the Hugh Grant fans, there).  But we're BETTER than that...aren't we?

Reds' fans NOT arguing with each other

*** Turnbull.  Saved 3 one-on-ones that I can remember.  And the rest.  No chance with either goal.

** Smith.  Excellent performance at left back.  Tackled, passed....even crossed accurately.  Now, where's that Waring bloke when you need him...?

* Hourihane.  A couple of good tackles.  Or Pearson, before he 'lost it' (running around thinking he could do everyone's job, instead of sticking to doing his own).  Go on then, I'll give it Connor for services to defensive midfield.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Turnbull
2. Smith
3= Pearson / Hourihane

Other despatches:  Pearson again proved promising, but Franchise away is a different kettle of fish from 10 man Yeovil at home; I've nought to say about the rest of them.  Special mention to Hicksy and Yvonne for the lift to and from the stadium. Hope the sound bars (!?) work.

Drink du jour:  Not a long journey today, so pure lager.  Then more wheat beer at the Euston Tap (most excellent) where we bumped into a couple of Bradford fans who were understandably ecstatic after beating Chelsea.  Good on 'em.

Away:  Dunno.  500?  The crowd itself looked about 5000 (8,310).  The lack of atmosphere 'makes Oakwell seem like a cauldron' (someone, not me).  Imagine.

Just remembered the ONE chance we had, Waring heading meekly over when he was on his own, about 8 yards out, 1st half.  Pathetic.

Damage:
£20 entrance
£10.50 travel

Barnsley 3-5 Franchise FC, Saturday 13th September 2014

The Peckham jury have considered their verdict:

Welcome back...

I don’t know where to start.  What a way to start (my) season.  79 minutes in and we’re 5-0 down to some 3^rd division side who didn’t even have a team 10 years ago.  WTF?  And the worst thing was, they probably deserved it.  Time and time again we couldn’t pass a ball 10 yards to another player, while they passed and moved their way to time and chances in and around our box.  I wouldn’t even care, but there were always plenty of men back for us, yet still MK always had a man spare.  It was doing my f***ing nut.

Then of course, there were the 3 or 4 abysmal, abysmal individual performances.  So I’m almost starting with ‘Despatches’ now.

Brown is absolutely DREADFUL.  He is never a right back in a million years.  He is to tackling what Julian Clary is to MMA.  Can’t or won’t make a tackle.  In fact, it took him 91 minutes to put a foot in.  (Just like it took Dale Jennings 92 minutes to beat a player).  As I’ve read all your missives on earlier games, all of these players merge into one….Berry, Bree, Bailey, Brown…so I’ve no idea what people have made of this player, but to call him a footballer is to call Wiseman world class.  Yes, I honestly reckon he’s worse than Scott Wiseman.  Bring back a 97 year old Hassell if this is what I’m gonna be served.  Or at the very least, get Jean-Yves in the middle and shunt Crainie out wide.

Phew, I felt better for that.  Cos however dogs*** Davies is in goal, at least he’s only the reserve keeper.  Turnbull simply HAS to get fit soon.  This guy is a calamity.  It’s one thing saying Luke Steele couldn’t kick, but this bloke is worse.  So he must be a good keeper to make up for it, right?  Ah.  How a goalkeeper of Mark Crossley’s calibre can see something in this guy, I know not.  It’s no use saving a couple once you’ve given the opposition a 2 goal headstart….and falling on your ar5e to let a soft 4^th in doesn’t help either.  On the plus side, I presume he comes cheap.

Jennings however (or ‘Dale Mellis’ as some wag on the BBS christened him) must be on a big wage, and the least I expect of the waged is some effort.  Was it 7 or 8 times (in the 1^st half) he couldn’t be bothered to track back after losing the ball?  I wondered (seriously) if it was Wilson’s tactic…get Jennings to save his energy for attacking.  Well, if that was the case it didn’t work.  And I don’t remember him being quite the fat f*** he is either.  Stocky, yes, but he now looks like a barrel (though not as useful, or tasty).  I’d stick him on the bench till he can be ar5ed.  Whether it’s ‘Mellis Syndrome’, who knows, but (Dale) you’re not too good for us and if you want a career you’d better start putting a shift in.

0-1 MK hit a 25 yarder straight at the keeper, who pops it on a plate for the centre forward.

0-2 Dudgeon completely misses the ball, allowing the winger to cut it back for an on-jogging (note: not ‘onrushing’) player to hit home through the keeper’s hands.

0-3 Brown steadfastly refuses to close down their winger, who lays it back for a teammate to stroll it in while 6 other BFC defenders watch.

0-4 Dudgeon loses it and Digby compounds the error leaving their bloke to run 30 yards unchallenged to stroke the ball in on the near post while the keeper sits down and has a break.

0-5 Nyatanga is turned/moves out of the way to let their bloke clear and his mate knocks it in.  Listen, Lewis – at least get in the f***er's way, even if you can’t make the tackle.

F*** me.

And there it was.  More than 10 minutes to go and well and truly routed.  A good number of fans left at three, some at four, though if you were still in the ground at 4 you were one of those sad f***s who wanted to see the whole game and your reward was to witness a 5th.  (The exception here was Salisbury, who snuck out at 5, missed our 1^st, then snuck in again).

Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Cole had a shot cleared off the line and loads of Barnsley fans started cheering.  Oh, it’s a goal.  (Turns out the clearance was behind the line).  3-5 and a couple of thousand Reds fans could got all excited.  We had 4 mins of injury time to complete the impossible, but despite nearly scoring a 4^th, MK saw out the last few minutes comfortably.

*** Cole.  Came on, changed the game.  Pacey, strong and an eye for goal.  Gone in January.

** Hourihane.  Sponsors MOTM.  Even in a quiet game, apart from his goals he hit the post and made the pass of the match to put Cole clean through.  Is he the new Redfearn?  Do I have to change my cat's name?

* Digby.  Came on as sub and passed the ball to his own players, before the one he didn’t (0-4).

(almost) respectsble

Despatches:
I understand Bailey is normally central mid, but I’d certainly like to see more of Digby.  How can a player good enough for England under 19s NOT be good enough for US?  Berry was largely anonymous out wide (him and Jennings kept swapping, about the only time Jennings moved) while Dudgeon made mistakes but threw himself into the tackle, at least.  Crainie and Nyatanga were…well…invisible.  I never really noticed either have a BAD game, but when you’re 5-0 down, something hasn’t gone right in defence.  Meantime, I thought the front 2 (Lita, Hemmings) weren’t too bad, starved of the ball as they were.  Certainly, I think Lita would prefer to have the ball played to his feet, rather than a defender’s head.

So, that’s it.  The crowd were their normal silent apathetic selves (thank god – who likes change?) while even MK’s 363 gave up, beyond the ‘Easy! Easy!’ chant every time they scored – so about every 5 mins then.

Drink du jour: Touchy subject.  Nevermind the Two Ronnies – try the Two Andies.  Like the shooting of JFK, this one will remain a mystery – but who WAS to blame for the dropping and breaking of a one litre bottle of vodka before it had even been opened?  AND I still had to pay for my share, soaked into the train carpet as it was.  (Reedy – calm down, only kidding).

Once back in London, a couple of pints in the Parcel Yard, then Reedy insisted on taking me and Marius to an indie club that stunk of vomit and a heavy metal club wot didn’t.  Home at 5:30am and I didn’t even fall asleep on a bus.  I couldn’t do this every week, not at my age.  (Also, I shouldn’t have to tell my friends to stop pointing at the lesbian couple ‘making out’ in the metal bar!)

Overall then – I’m optimistic.  Sounds weird, after such a beating, but all we need is a right back, the rest we already have.  Top 8, at least.

Onwards and upwards!
A

Away:363

The other lot

Franchise FC 1-3 Barnsley, Saturday 16th February 2013

'nulla verecundia'

After days, nay, weeks, of meticulous planning, so it was that everyone f***ed off from the pub at Euston early, leaving me and Sarah to hang on for latecomers Gerry and Andy.  I don’t know who was less impressed – Sarah or Andy.  (Gerry didn’t care).  Me – I expect this kind of thing.

I’ve gotta hand it to MK.  Whatever I think of the fact they’re even in the league, it’s an enjoyable day out (isn’t it, Bob?).  Get to the station, walk up the hill to the spacious Wetherspoons, cheap and large choice of ale, no chance of trouble (apart from random Reds seemingly wanting to attract the attention of Plod).  Plus a taxi firm with a fleet of 400 cars – which meant that when Tim ordered 5 taxis they came within 5 mins.  DRINK UP LADS!

10 mins drive to the stadium, fall out the taxi and you’re straight into the ground.  Handily for Gerry, the concourse was level with the entrance, so after a word with a nice steward, he was allowed to sit in a chair designated for invalids.  Gerry even took one for the team, Caton joining him for the match.  (Only joking, P – don’t get a mard on!)

Being that we bought our tickets on the day, we could pick and choose our seats, away from the crowd (3702 Reds fans, since you ask – not including the executive box crew).  So we sat in front of Geraldo and Paul, our like being swelled by Mrs Reed, Molly and wife and Waddington.  Molly appeared on form.  He only has 3 games:  mild mannered, surreal and abusive.  He must feel very comfortable around Mrs Molyneux these days, cos it was Abusive Moll today.  Shouts like ‘you f***ing non-league cnut’ seemingly coming from nowhere.  Sarah went and sat on her own – no, not due to Molly, but ‘I’ve paid for a SEAT!’ while the rest of us stood to our hearts’ content.  May I say, bl**dy comfortable seats too, padded and huge.  It’s not like Old Trafford, where they really pack you in and anyone over 5’2” has an issue.

The match?  What a boring 1^st half.  MK were completely outclassed and we went one up after 3 mins, 2 up after about 19.  We shoulda been outta sight by HT.  Great finishes too.  Dagnall controlled a long ball from Mellis then banged it in from an angle with his left, while Wiseman marauded down the right and pulled it back superbly for Marlon to sweep home.  At HT I texted Andy Jones, saying what we really need is an MK goal, to make life interesting…

So it was.  MK came out fighting.  Quite literally, according to Farnham – the normally jovial Dave getting more and more frustrated by a ref seemingly intent on not booking a Dons player for some outrageous fouls.  (Later, when the ref actually started booking people, he ignored the worst foul of the day, when Scotland broke free and was dragged back.  Ref gave the free kick yet couldn’t comprehend it was a blatant booking.)

We weathered the early storm, then an innocuous clash left Etuhu down and out – literally.  While laid out, he never moved and a stream of medical types ran onto the field.  As he was carted off, still not moving, head in a brace, we feared the worst.  As we now know, he was ok (sort of) but it spooked the Reds players, who proceeded to fall apart.  MK pulled one back (Kennedy at fault – I’m only saying that cos I haven’t had a chance this season) and then Steele had to pull out a sharp reflex save from ‘Leeds scum’ Alan Smith.

However, after that, if anyone was gonna score, it was us on the break.  Every time we had the ball it was 3 v 3 and with 12 minutes injury time signalled, Perkins played the ball through for Dagnall to sprint onto, round the keeper and bury it into the net, right in front of us.  F***ING YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Quarter finals here we come, Millwall home please.

And later on, our day was made, when Smith went in for a challenge with his elbow and was sent off.  WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM, WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM.  Perfick.  I've since seen it on telly, and although their manager is right when he says he didn't elbow him in the head, you can see he tries to elbow our player (Delap?) in the midriff.  Is it only violent play if you elbow someone in the HEAD, Mr Robinson?

*** Super Chrissy Dagnall.  Scored 2, created havoc.  What a player!
** David ‘Perky’ Perkins.  Wasn’t always at the top of his game (they were s***), but when he was involved he was making a difference.
* Scott 'The Wise Man' Wiseman.  Why not?  Looked excellent 1^st half, then fell to bits for 10 mins in the 2^nd, before re-composing himself.  Story of the team, really.

Despatches:
Mellis looked pretty good – at this level.  Golbourne played well (again!) and Steele was relatively faultless.  Sign of a great keeper, making THAT save after having little to do.

Sarah’s top 3:
*** Hassell – ‘just because he played’
** Perkins
* Dagnall ‘well, I guess he scored 2’

WE’RE THE FAMOUS BARNSLEY FC AND WE’RE OFF TO WEMBERLEE.  WEMBERLEE, WEMBERLEE….