Monday 25 February 2013

Bristol City 5-3 Barnsley, Saturday 23rd February 2013


The Camberwell verdict is in. 
‘That was the sh*ttest 5-3 I’ve ever seen.’
My god.  What a horror show.  8 wins in 9 and we concede 5 to a side at the bottom of the league. Only Barnsley.

Like the Wolves game, we looked disjointed without a left wing back.  Flitcroft played Kennedy left back, again, and gave the disaster that is Jim McNulty a run out.  (His career must feel like Groundhog Day.  Doing well at Brighton, he gets injured and finds himself surplus to requirements upon his return, and so it is here.  He’s been awful ALL season.)  Oh, and with Delap somewhere out right and with Crainie and Foster in the middle, and Wiseman on the bench, I make Bobby Hassell approximately 8th choice to get a game in our defence.  A defence which let in 5 against rock bottom Bristol City.

It was an odd game.  1st 10 mins, they ran riot down our left, then we got to grips and pretty much ran the match.  I can forgive the 1st goal – their bloke clearly climbs all over our defender, before Stead headed home.  The ref blew his whistle, pointed to the penalty area…I wondered why the Bristol fans were still cheering, he’d obviously disallowed it.  But he hadn’t.  The start of a very bad day.

Thereafter, the game reminded me of a school match (our championship-winning year, natch) I remember from yesteryear.  We were playing our big rivals away and the star striker missed a couple of early chances.  They then scored with every shot they had (6) before said star striker bagged a couple late on before blaming everyone else for our defeat.  Well, BFC on Satdy missed early chances, they started bagging, then after the game was lost, started scoring.  And so it was, that if you ignore Bristol’s 1st four goals, we won 3-1 and looked like we’d score every time we touched the ball.

At 4-0, Hicksy and Loko had seen enough, but before they even got out of the ground, we’d pulled one back.  It was amusing to see their about-turn back into the stands (‘we can see you sneaking IN!’)  The goal itself was a scrappy effort, the ball being cleared from behind the line before an onrushing Tunnicliffe (I think) putting it in.  I see the goal has since been given to O’Grady, so presumably it was he who knocked it over the line in the 1st place, though I swear the linesman hadn’t given it, so without the 2nd effort, I don’t think it woulda stood.

2nd goal was a great finish by Polish Tom, burying it for the edge of the box as he ran in, and the 3rd was another low finish from the edge of the box from the outstanding Scotland.  HE’LL be playing in this division next season, even if we’re not.

Unfortunately, time and space preclude the description of Bristol’s other goals, beyond that they were ALL THE SAME.  A dead ball is hoofed into our box and forwards who’ve been unable to score all season are like kids in a sweet shop versus Steele, Kennedy, Crainie and McNulty (Foster proving so awful he’d been dragged off in the 1st half).  How many headers we failed to win was unbelievable.  And we still had the ref to thank for chalking off a 6th, as the goal of the game (a beautiful curled effort from the edge of the box) was ruled out for a negligible foul on Perkins.

So, was it the worst of the season?  Given what went on before (8 wins in 9, a high level of expectation, capitulation against a crap team), I’d say so.  Tho given that we had most of the match and somehow conceded 5, I think the general opinion was ‘it was just one of them days.’

There was again good support from the fans.  I did like a chant of ‘we can see you sneaking out’ to winning Bristol fans staggering out, unused to success.  And then we retired to the Tobacco Factory for more cider or dark beer (depending on your taste).  At least THAT bit went well.  Then I saved Selwood from accidentally buying 8.5% Oranjeboom at the offy, in favour of something he could handle and we went cans on the way home, baby Oranjeboom (still 5%), Tetleys or Stella.

Oh, and the evening was topped off for me and Andy when we got chatting to a couple of homosexuals in a pub in Paddington.  One of them was a Malteser ‘with learning difficulties’ (his mate said).  Anyway, twas an interesting conversation, tho Mr Reed was bladdered.

Nearly forgot:

*** No-one
** Scotland.  Held the ball, attacked…scored.  What a player!
* Harewood.  Like Scotland, without the goal.

Despatches:
Dagnall looked lost, forced to play wide right.  Tunnicliffe came, saw and disappeared.  And aside from a goalline clearance, it’s true – there IS only one element to Delap’s game.

that is all.

Tuesday 19 February 2013

Franchise FC 1-3 Barnsley, Saturday 16th February 2013

'nulla verecundia'

After days, nay, weeks, of meticulous planning, so it was that everyone f***ed off from the pub at Euston early, leaving me and Sarah to hang on for latecomers Gerry and Andy.  I don’t know who was less impressed – Sarah or Andy.  (Gerry didn’t care).  Me – I expect this kind of thing.

I’ve gotta hand it to MK.  Whatever I think of the fact they’re even in the league, it’s an enjoyable day out (isn’t it, Bob?).  Get to the station, walk up the hill to the spacious Wetherspoons, cheap and large choice of ale, no chance of trouble (apart from random Reds seemingly wanting to attract the attention of Plod).  Plus a taxi firm with a fleet of 400 cars – which meant that when Tim ordered 5 taxis they came within 5 mins.  DRINK UP LADS!

10 mins drive to the stadium, fall out the taxi and you’re straight into the ground.  Handily for Gerry, the concourse was level with the entrance, so after a word with a nice steward, he was allowed to sit in a chair designated for invalids.  Gerry even took one for the team, Caton joining him for the match.  (Only joking, P – don’t get a mard on!)

Being that we bought our tickets on the day, we could pick and choose our seats, away from the crowd (3702 Reds fans, since you ask – not including the executive box crew).  So we sat in front of Geraldo and Paul, our like being swelled by Mrs Reed, Molly and wife and Waddington.  Molly appeared on form.  He only has 3 games:  mild mannered, surreal and abusive.  He must feel very comfortable around Mrs Molyneux these days, cos it was Abusive Moll today.  Shouts like ‘you f***ing non-league cnut’ seemingly coming from nowhere.  Sarah went and sat on her own – no, not due to Molly, but ‘I’ve paid for a SEAT!’ while the rest of us stood to our hearts’ content.  May I say, bl**dy comfortable seats too, padded and huge.  It’s not like Old Trafford, where they really pack you in and anyone over 5’2” has an issue.

The match?  What a boring 1st half.  MK were completely outclassed and we went one up after 3 mins, 2 up after about 19.  We shoulda been outta sight by HT.  Great finishes too.  Dagnall controlled a long ball from Mellis then banged it in from an angle with his left, while Wiseman marauded down the right and pulled it back superbly for Marlon to sweep home.  At HT I texted Andy Jones, saying what we really need is an MK goal, to make life interesting…

So it was.  MK came out fighting.  Quite literally, according to Farnham – the normally jovial Dave getting more and more frustrated by a ref seemingly intent on not booking a Dons player for some outrageous fouls.  (Later, when the ref actually started booking people, he ignored the worst foul of the day, when Scotland broke free and was dragged back.  Ref gave the free kick yet couldn’t comprehend it was a blatant booking.)

We weathered the early storm, then an innocuous clash left Etuhu down and out – literally.  While laid out, he never moved and a stream of medical types ran onto the field.  As he was carted off, still not moving, head in a brace, we feared the worst.  As we now know, he was ok (sort of) but it spooked the Reds players, who proceeded to fall apart.  MK pulled one back (Kennedy at fault – I’m only saying that cos I haven’t had a chance this season) and then Steele had to pull out a sharp reflex save from ‘Leeds scum’ Alan Smith.

However, after that, if anyone was gonna score, it was us on the break.  Every time we had the ball it was 3 v 3 and with 12 minutes injury time signalled, Perkins played the ball through for Dagnall to sprint onto, round the keeper and bury it into the net, right in front of us.  F***ING YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Quarter finals here we come, Millwall home please.

And later on, our day was made, when Smith went in for a challenge with his elbow and was sent off.  WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM, WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM.  Perfick.  I've since seen it on telly, and although their manager is right when he says he didn't elbow him in the head, you can see he tries to elbow our player (Delap?) in the midriff.  Is it only violent play if you elbow someone in the HEAD, Mr Robinson?

*** Super Chrissy Dagnall.  Scored 2, created havoc.  What a player!
** David ‘Perky’ Perkins.  Wasn’t always at the top of his game (they were s***), but when he was involved he was making a difference.
* Scott 'The Wise Man' Wiseman.  Why not?  Looked excellent 1st half, then fell to bits for 10 mins in the 2nd, before re-composing himself.  Story of the team, really.

Despatches:
Mellis looked pretty good – at this level.  Golbourne played well (again!) and Steele was relatively faultless.  Sign of a great keeper, making THAT save after having little to do.

Sarah’s top 3:
*** Hassell – ‘just because he played’
** Perkins
* Dagnall ‘well, I guess he scored 2’

WE’RE THE FAMOUS BARNSLEY FC AND WE’RE OFF TO WEMBERLEE.  WEMBERLEE, WEMBERLEE….

Chelsea Youth 3-0 Barnsley Youth, Friday 15th February 2013

Chelsea away (Youth Cup) or 'An Audience With Simon Davey'


Well, it even pays to go and watch the juniors these days, even if they were outclassed in the FA Youth Cup and lost 3-0.  Cos, as we waited for a taxi after the match, who else should also be waiting for one but Simon Davey!

It was Starf*cker Tim who spotted him (obviously) and Surreytyke Kim who confirmed it, with a cheery ‘Simon!’ getting him to turn our way.  Like a shark going for the kill, we were in.  The taxi firm handily sent a minibus, so we all jumped in together to the station (well, not Surreytykes, who live about 5 mins from Staines FC!).  Tim, Andy, Simon, his American mate and me then got a train together, before Tim insisted everyone came to the pub at Waterloo for a bevvy.  So, all in all, a good hour (even for Simon – we TRIED to be nice!)

Tis true, I sort of DID insult Davey, but it came out wrong (!)  All I said was that I didn’t think it was him outside the ground, cos he looked fatter than the old Davey….'which was ironic cos I remember at Norwich the fans calling you a fat Welsh ba5tard’.  He took it in good spirit, though his mate thought it was funnier.

Turns out Davey is now coaching 6000 kids in Atalanta, USA and the geezer with him was from his club.  They were over cos Davey was doing the cup draw (the theme was ‘FA Cup folklore’ he told us), their club has links to Chelsea (so they were staying at the hotel next to Stamford Bridge) and they were off to Arsenal the following day (THAT was some game!)  And no, he has no intention of returning, life is good.  Family life is now amazing, without his daughters being teased at school cos ‘daddy is about to get the sack’ (these are the Barnsley years) and there’s no more random tears when the family have their evening meal.  He even showed us a video of one of his daughters being serenaded by her male American high school chums, where she’s obviously very popular (I could see why).

As for what we garnered from Mr Davey, I’ll be boring and put what I can remember into bullet points.


  • We turned down £1.2m for JCR from Reading (only to sell him months later for £150k.)
  • Davey is adamant playing JCR at central midfield was the right thing to do.  ‘He only scored 2 or 3 a season till I moved him there.’  Our jaws hit the floor.  It wasn’t how WE remembered it!  We didn’t hammer the point tho…as I said, we were on our best behaviour in front of his guest.  Tim mentioned we’d seen JCR play central mid for Jamaica too ‘Exactly!’ said Simon.  ‘And he didn’t play again!’ said I.  The art of diplomacy.
  • At BFC a certain board member was constantly undermining him, till he ‘got rid of him after 2 and a half years.’
  • Cryne can’t be relied upon either.  After the Reading fiasco, the club had agreed to up JCR’s wage from 2 to 6k a week, but the powers that be always made themselves scarce when it was time to get the contract signed.  JCR was understandably p***ed off.
  • He was pleased to get rid of the drinkers in the team….Kay, Austin and Howard.  He said Kay was the worst (best?).
  • I asked him about Darlington (my 2nd team, where he had another dodgy spell) – ‘Hereford and Darlington were run by crooks’, promises constantly broken.
He obviously felt hard done to at Oakwell, being sacked and all.  I did say that he was lucky to get the job in the 1st place, as I thought the previous manager (Ritchie) was hard done to too.  So what goes around comes around.

We all left on good terms.  Davey posed for a couple of photos and Tim got him to sign an autograph with the next day’s cup draw on it:  2 v 4 (Barnsley v Millwall).  We know how THAT turned out!  All in all, he seemed like a decent bloke.  Not a pushover, confident in his thoughts on football and, I’d say, a steely determination to succeed.


Chelsea 3-0 Barnsley
Completely outclassed, once the 1st went in, the score was never in doubt.  Having caught a train to Staines, we jumped into a taxi and met up with Surreytykes in a pub near the ground.  A quick beer and off we went to the game.  3 quid in, a pound for a teamsheet.  I’d never heard of any of 'em.  We hung the Londontykes flag up behind the goal, then took up a position beside the dugouts.  When I looked back at the flag, there were a dozen people stood in front of it, when they could have stood ANYWHERE in the ground.  Still, it made it look like we’d travelled in numbers!

Staines have a nice little posh new stand, where 80% of the crowd was.  I’d be hard pushed to say there were more than 300 at the game.  We missed an early chance, then we spent 20 minutes camped in our own half, no danger.  Then, once Chelsea scored, the floodgates opened and we were 3 down in no time.  2 of them were from the edge of the box.  I don’t think we’ll see this keeper play for the 1st team.  Mind, no-one impressed me much, though I heard a few Chelsea say they thought out left back was tremendous, and Davey said the left winger played well (I suspect they were describing the same player)

So, at half time, off we followed Tim to blag our way into the exec bit.  ‘You need a ticket’ said a jobsworth on the door and Tim duly showed him his London to Staines rail ticket. No, we couldn’t come in.  But, if we walked out of the ground, and back into the stand, we could go in the bar which was built into the stand, part of the swanky gym in there. Now, here’s where a good dose of local knowledge comes in handy, as Kim and Andy knew the building, so we wound our way through its innards and ended up in the exec bit anyway.  We bought a round of drinks  but no, we couldn’t have some free curry, not without a ticket (damn tickets!) but 5 mins later we were in a box of our own, with free curry of our own, served by a man, on his own…and being regaled by the Commercial Director of Staines Town FC (yes, there is such a thing).  Lovely lady she was and for £500 we could have our own board at the ground, 2 free season tickets…etc etc.  My red and white scarf and northern accent was clearly not enough to put her off.  I left £500 lighter (not really).
So it was that we problies saw 15 mins of the 2nd half from behind a window, before going back out into the chilled air and (me and Tim) standing up at the back of the stand for the rest of the game, taking in a swell view.

Good effort Reds on getting so far - but as Tim said, it was 'men v boys'.  Or slightly better boys v our boys.

Ho hum - MK Dons tomorra!


Monday 11 February 2013

Middlesbrough 2-3 Barnsley, Saturday 9th February 2013

‘At what point would you NOT have accepted a draw?’


‘When the ref blew for full time.’
And so it was that we took the Boro.  Our 1st win at the Riverside, against a side (somehow) still 4 points clear in a play-off spot, in a see-saw game we won against the odds.

1st 25 mins was all Boro.  Kieron Dyer looked a worry, whilst their left winger skinned Delap a few times.  (Delap was somehow in the Football League Paper’s team of the day).  He later got to grips with the job, though not before he was the man on the back post who failed to stop their bloke knocking in the rebound for #2.

Boro manager Mowbray described us as lucky (or at least, them as unlucky).  In truth, all 5 goals were lucky/appalling defending.  Of course, he made no reference to their jammy goals.  The 1st, as Foster was being outpaced, and was nudged so as to fall over, ended with Fozzie desperately sliding the ball towards Steele.  However, it went wide of Steele who dived low to his right to pull off a super save, only for Carayol to tap in the rebound.  Now, obviously I’m biased, but what p***ed me off most about this goal was that earlier, when Perkins went shoulder to shoulder with an opponent on the HALFWAY line, and the opponent went down, the ref gave a free kick. Identical ‘foul’ and it’s play on and a goal.  In a place where it didn’t even matter.  Cheers.

Their 2nd, a cross comes in, it deflects off a forward (again, Foster gets the blame on some reports) and Steele again pulls off a decent save.  Sadly, it’s nodded home by the bloke not being marked by Delap.  2-1 and we are heading for 3 or 4 at least.

Flitcroft then pulls off his genius.  Firstly, he listens to the Marshall and drags off a lacklustre Harewood, but then surprises by removing O’Brien, scorer of the 1st (a half volley deflected over the keeper) and our star midfielder.  Injured?  Tactical?  Dunno, but he sticks on O’Grady (who looks slow, lumbering and strong, on this performance) and Scotland (who looks amazing).

We equalise out of the blue, a long throw by Delap (hurrah!) causing panic and the ball somehow squirming through to Golbourne, free on the back post.  He looks like he’s positively bricking it as he realises he might have to kick a ball with his right foot and he nearly lifts it over an empty net. GET IN THERE YOU B******S!  I love scoring against this bunch.  They’re like a lower league Wednesday.  Oh, hang on – Wednesday aren’t in the top division either, are they?  Anyway, what I mean is, they think they’re some sort of big team, yet their crowd is as fickle as they come.  The rest of the north-east simply mocks them.  I digress.

We’re not finished yet tho.  O’Grady chases a back pass down.  Well, trundles after it.  He only perks up when the keeper fails to control it, but, with the turning circle of the Ark Royal (joke c. 1982) he takes an age to turn around, by which time the keeper has dived on it.  BACKPASS!!!! Yes, it’s a free kick and after we dummy the taking of it twice, Golbourne lays the ball off for Scotland to rifle it home off a defender.  The Reds' hordes go wild!!!!  (I feel like I’m writing that every match these days.  Long may it continue.)

After 4 goals in half an hour, you’d think there’d be at least one more, but the scoring ends there and, to be honest, if anyone looked more likely to score, it was us.  They were getting desperate, leaving holes everywhere, while we counter attacked.  Certainly Golbourne wasted a chance to seal it, trying to lay the ball off to someone else cos, yes, he couldn’t kick it with his right foot when free on the edge of the box.

*** Dagnall.  Our ‘Luis Suarez’ (David Flitcroft) once again ran the game, taking it to Boro with several mazy runs.  O’Brien benefited in the 1st half and Scotland and O’Grady found themselves in promising positions in the 2nd, due to his non-stop antics.

** Scotland.  Changed the game when he came on.  Big and strong, yet not particularly tall, he reminds me of a more muscular, better goalscoring  version of Shipperley.  But I’ll tell you what perplexes me (and Professors Stephen Hawking and Brian Cox)…how the hell has ex-Barnsley legend Mick McCarthy given away Scotland on a free while signing Francke Nouble (the very same) for £350k.  The world has gone mad.  Thanks Mick, we owe you.

* O’Brien.  I still maintain he was our best player outside of Dagnall.

Despatches:
Aside from a turn and thump in the 1st half, Harewood was awful.  I don’t know how he lasted as long as he did.  Hassell came on at 2-3 and the crowd gave him a fantastic ovation.  We’re winning away without him and he’s still head and shoulders our most popular player.  Though Scotland had a few chants.  It was great to see Wiseman and Mellis stuck on the bench too.

Drink du jour:  A four pack of Leffe from the Co-op to go with my fish, chips and mushy peas from ‘The Frying Pan’.  Well, you’ve gotta celebrate, haven’t you!!??

YOOOOOUUUUU REDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps, this week’s quote comes from my dad.  He reckons he’d have settled for a draw all the way up to the ref blowing the final whistle – which he did, after 5 mins of ‘injury’ time (no injuries, but plenty of goals and substitutions, so fair enough).
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