Leyton Orient 4-3 BFC, Friday 18th April 2025

‘We need to get back on the water melon vapes at half-time.’

We were all over the place, the left leg not knowing what the right leg was doing. Organisation was pitiful, on field leadership was minimal and the managerial decision-making poor at best. But that’s enough about the Londontykes. We also lost a football match.

Yes, Nice Guy Chris kindly took it upon himself to organise a p*** up in a brewery pub. The Leyton Engineer, half 12. Easy peasy. I rocked up just before, 1st one there (I thought). I must have had a nasty feeling, as I buttoned my coat up before the door. Sure enough. ‘HOME ONLY’. Why? I’ve lived in Leyton for the best part of 10 years and never known it. ‘Do you have a ticket for the home end?’ enquired the bouncer. ‘Eh? No.’ ‘Do you have a ticket for the game?’ ‘What game? I’m not going to the game’ ‘Oh. Ok then...Boss, what if someone’s not going to the game?’ Obviously, they hadn’t thought that could be a possibility. (I know I shouldn’t be lying, but I was kinda hoping God would be busy, this being Easter Friday and all.)

So I got in, and WhatsApp’ed the crew. Slacki, Rhys, Alison, Farnham and Big Jim all got in ok. Indeed, there was a fair smattering of other Reds fans in there too. However, Jonesy, all liveried up in Reds gear was denied entry. Accompanying a minor (Jude) makes no difference to a man who takes pride in his job. By now Chris had replied. ‘We’re in a completely different pub having our dinner, thank you very much.’ I’m alright, Jack. I put Jonesy onto the Northcote Arms, another local with a ‘NO AWAY FANS’ poster up, but no bouncer. I went and joined him for a snifter, despite my beer in the Engineer (nee Leyton Technical) possibly being the best I had all season. I’m a martyr, me. (Tis the weekend for it.) In fact, I had two pints, and bucking the trend of diminishing returns, I enjoyed both equally.

My main worry was actually getting my backpack into the ground. I was staying down here for 3 days and needed to get my toiletries and underwear past passport control. As it was, the Orient stewards were well chilled, though not chilled enough to let Lord S put the flag up. ‘Too big.’ (I had thought, at least if they don’t let me in, I will maintain my unbeaten record at Orient, a thought that came back on me as the damn collapsed 2nd half.)

We went 2 goals up within 20 minutes. It’s easy this. Humphreys scrambles in a corner for the opener. Then he scores again, though it looked way offside (even Farnham said so!) but it was a nice finish, slamming in a volley. Anyone would be thinking he’s playing for a new contract. Half-time, two goals to the good, what can go wrong? Well, the warning was there just before HT as they clear an attack...and if he wins the flick-on on the halfway line, they’re clean through. He wins the flick-on, Orient run clean through, but the finish is off the post. HOW ARE WE 1 V 2 ON THE HALFWAY LINE FROM OUR OWN CORNER????

Half-time is grovelling time, as Chris looked so sheepish he could have been wandering around the Pennines being corralled by a black and white dog. (It’s ok, Chris, we’d have chosen the Engineer for ourselves, especially since last season’s craft ale place didn’t open till 2.)

The teams come out and the O’s RUN RIOT. Plus ca change. We’ve sacked Coach Clarke and 6 or so games in under Coach Conor we are EXACTLY THE SAME. 1st half, we have conceded the 2nd LEAST in the division (17), 2nd half, we have conceded the MOST in the LEAGUE (51). Ironically, we hold out till the 51st minute, so that’s 6 minutes of the second half. Weak. From memory, a soft shot across the keeper finds the far corner. Falafel really isn’t very good. That’s why he’s our 5th choice.

Orient pile the pressure on. Coach Conor makes changes doesn’t do a thing. Save for crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. We have a break, it’s DKD v the world (cos no-one else has the belief to join in). He beats the defender on the byeline, cuts back and rockets it high into the net. Superb, and in the week he’s been nominated for League 1 POTY.

Normal service resumes. They are ALL OVER US. Coach Conor makes a few tactical tweaks does FA and we concede a weak 2nd. Earl and McCarthy stand and stare at their right winger, allowing him to put the perfect low cross inbetween Roberts and Falafel for a tap-in. Why don’t we do that? But here we go! Conor brings on Lambrusco for MOTM Humphreys. Go Conor! We concede two more within 3 minutes. Jalo gives the ball away on the touchline and they are 3 on 3. It’s all too easy, as they scuff it into the net surrounded by defenders. Then a corner lands in our box without a head on it, carnage ensues and another bobbled effort goes in. We are kings of the soft goal (conceded).

Coach Conor LEAPS into action. He throws another right back on, Cotter. That’s 3 on the pitch. Then he drags Bland off, so that’s one less right back. Oh no it isn’t! On trots O’Keeffe. And Benson. So that’s half the outfield team made up of players who’ve played right back for us this season. Incredibly, we fail to threaten. We have gone from 3-1 up to 3-4 down in the space of 10 minutes. I’m almost pleased that we’ve found a new and exciting way to lose a football match. And my Orient record is ruined. And the good news? Coach Conor has been given the job permanent. Of course he has.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Humphreys. Scored two, had another saved. Won us the game. Oh.
** DKD. He’s wasted at Oakwell. How much will Sunderland (presuming they don’t go up) or someone offer for him in the summer?
* No-one. Absolute garbage.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Humphreys 2. DKD 3. No-one / Connell

Despatches:
I’m gonna start with Jalo. Hapless on Friday, it doesn’t take long to realise whether he’s on it, or not, whether it’s the kind of game for him, or not. Coach Conor coulda hauled him after 10 minutes. Instead, waited till we were beat. Falafel barely made a save. (DID he make a save?) Earl and McCarthy were soft as owt, always letting them have the ball. I didn’t really notice Roberts but if you see their goals, they were all catastrophes for our defence...and Roberts is (allegedly) the key man in defence. Connell was his usual self, 1 or 2 atrocious passes that went out for throw-ins. Any chance of getting shut? Phillips and Russell also played. Allegedly.

As for Leyton, what to do next season? Don’t these ‘home fans only’ pubs realise that those wearing colours are NOT the problem? Do we email the Engineer next year and get special dispensation? Or call up the craft ale place and get them to open early (as we did at Stevenage one year)? Course, I’m presuming they won’t win the play-offs. Our defeat puts them in the last play-off place. Leyton Orient. (Good luck to em.)

XG? 2.28 v 1.64. Suffice to say our goalkeeper is conceding more than he ought.

Afterwards, I had time for a quick beer before meeting up with Sarah and we (Jim, Farnham and James from Diss) went back to the Engineer (bouncers still there) and enjoyed a beer with some Orient fans. Anyway, they have my number. Maybe they’ll come to Oakwell next season (HOME ONLY).

Drink du jour: The Five Points Jupa in the Engineer, Cowcatcher American Pale Ale in the Northcote Arms

Away: c.700. ‘3-1 and you facked it up’ from their support. ‘Only sing when you’re winning’ from ours. And guess who stopped singing when they were no longer winning?

The Damage:
£30 ent
c.£50 train
£3.50 prog
= c. £83.50

Leyton Orient 0-0 Barnsley, Tuesday 17th March 2015

‘My Big Fat Gypsy St. Patrick’s Night’

Courtesy of my photographer...

Good God, I am STILL trying to get over what I saw t'other night – and I’m not referring to the match. Picture the scene: back street east end boozer, much of a muchness, a decent smattering of customers, virtually all male and of a certain age, when about 8 young ladies turn up in outfits the good burghers of Newcastle would class as ‘immodest’. If I said it was ALL out on display, it was ALL out on display. I would not lie if I said some of their skirts were 6 inches short. You can imagine how much THAT covers. And then another of the gang came in and her melons were the size of...MELONS.  I don't know how that top kept 'em in.  Still, took everyone’s minds off the football. Though it was disappointing not to see any of Tim, Slacki or Loko have a crack at one of them. (As Loko said later, he 'wasn’t taking his life into his hands').  Did someone say it was like a scene FROM Snatch or OF snatch?  I don't remember The Birkbeck ever being like this when it was my local.        

A heady mix of fog and lower division floodlights.

   
The match (there was a match?) was made even more bizarre for me later on.  If I'd gone from my old local pre-match, I was now drinking in my old HOME, Leyton Town Hall, now 'The Technical'.  (I presume the council's Technical Dept used to be based in the rooms the pub now used.)  Just a shame they hadn't made the council chambers upstairs into a poolroom, as we did, nor have illicit parties in the old ballroom (which really is a thing of beauty).

Consider yourself warned.

The match?  Well, being on Gerrywatch, I sat right at the front, ie, where I least like to watch a game from.  I hope it looked better from upstairs, cos from where I was sat we created FA and had Davies to thank for pulling off 2 blinding one-on-ones (again).  Apparently, he saved his best for when I hadn't yet returned at half time.  So make that 3 blinding saves.  Mark my words, this was a point won, not two lost.

Despite not alot happening, the ref still managed to send off one of our midfielders for missing a tackle.  Being how slow motion it all was, we were amazed when said midfielder was red-carded.  For a split second we all hoped it was Hourihane, but, naturally, you have to make a tackle to miss one, so it wasn't him.  That's Lalkovic out for 3 games then.  Funny, once the the red card came out, the Orient player stopped rolling around and promptly got up and walked away like nothing had happened.  Tw*t.  Still, a welcome return of 'You're just a soft southern ba5tard', which, quite frankly, you don't hear often enough these days.

Home end and (the other) Main Stand.

*** Davies
** No-one.  No idea who played well from where I was sat.
* Though I know it wasn't Waring!

Londontykes top 3:
1. Davies
2. Scowen
3. No-one / Pearson

Drink du jour: It was St. Paddy's Night and Guinness was £3 a pop.  So make mine a San Miguel.  (Later, The Technical had Krusovice which is rather an excellent pint of lager; another reason to go there.)  I don't know what happened at the Birkbeck, but they obviously missed a trick...Paddy's Night AND a match yet they only had one barman on.  And believe me, he worked harder than anything on the football pitch that night.

Away: 577. Bl**dy gloryhunters!

The Technical Pub, Leyton.  I lived here once.

No camera can do justice to this gentleman's hair colour.