Swindon Town 2-0 Barnsley, Saturday 7th February 2015

"My grapes are like rhubarb."

Welcome to Swindon!

I can't really disagree with Andy's concise version of events.  We entered the game with the minimum of ambition and the game plan lasted all of 14 minutes before they scored and ended any hope we had. Thereafter, it was damage limitation as we chased shadows, Turnbull saved a penalty and a one-on-one and the closest we came to a goal was a 4 on 1 break which we completely ballsed up.

*** No-one
** Turnbull - see above
* No-one

Londontykes top 3:
1. Turnbull
2. No-one
3. M'Voto

One satisfied customer...

Despatches:
Waring - he's cack.  Can't win a header,or hold a ball up (apart from when I'm not looking - Andy couldn't wait to point out something useful he did, but I was texting Salisbury at the time).  And the one time a peach of a cross was delivered into the box (from Smith) he was nowhere to be seen.  I must see a different player to the rest of you (and Danny Wilson).  As Andy said, new superstar Scowan was so invisible he could have been mistaken for Berry, the man he's replaced. Indeed, I didn't know he was playing till I noticed his number, 70 minutes in.  Digby really was appalling, so much so he got dragged off at half time.  So much for giving him a run of games - we can't even trust to give him 90 minutes.  At least Wilson finally benched Hourihane but then brought him on for 45 anonymous minutes of his own.  When we had the 4 on 1 break, thanks to a misplaced Swindon pass, I presume it was Conor who elected to cut inside and hit it with his left off the defender, rather than pass it to any of the THREE other Reds players who'd have been clean through? Lalkovic again looked our most likely attacker, so again was dragged off.  Did I mention Jennings came on?  You'd never have known.  Smith was this week given a runout in midfield. How's he ever gonna learn to be a fullback at this rate?

A rabbit died for that hat.  True.

The vocal element were in no doubt as to our downfall, chanting "4-4-2, 4-4-2" at Wilson. Seemingly, 8-1-1 is not a formation which offered much chance of a goal.  Mind, Swindon are the best side I've seen this season (home and away) and perhaps 'having a go' might have resulted in us losing by 5 or 6.  Then what?  Sam Winnall was also more popular than ever, by dint of never even getting on the pitch.  The more matches he misses, the better he becomes.  He'll be the new Marco Van Basten by April.

Oh yes, the goals.  Swindon took a short corner and their player waltzed past Digby and Smith before pulling it back for it to be hammered in. Oats so simple.  Then Digby chops their bloke in the box, but Turnbull pulls off the save (highlight of the match) before, late on, spilling a 20 yarder into the net. Shame, he was the one player keeping us in it.

I once sat here, in the away end.

Drink du jour: Lager lager lager.  Started at the Gluepot, then a cheeky Franziskaner (wheat beer) at the Jury's Inn on the way to the ground.  Bit of a result that.  Then back to the pub at the railway station, to ignore the rugby, before a can or 2 on the way home.  And yes, despite dashing home once at Paddington, I fell asleep on the bus and ended up at New Cross.  What do you call that sleeping disease?  Opposite of insomnia?  Anyway, I've got it. BUS NARCOLEPSY!  Summat like that.

Away: c.300  Good to see Stu be allowed a runout, as well as Loko, popping in on the way back from the Wales-England rugby. I wonder which he enjoyed more!?

Damage: 
30 quids train fare. Robbed.
25 quids entry.  Robbed.

I once sat here, in the away end.

I once stood here, in the away end.

Game over.

Barnsley 0-3 Swindon Town, Saturday 27th September 2014

‘The cage might be open but the beast is asleep.’

3 matches I’ve seen.  3 defeats.  It just gets worse.  Particularly of concern is that no matter how well Turnbull plays in goal, we are leaking all over the place.  From where I’m sitting, we’re carrying 3 of a 4 man defence.  And I can’t blame the foetus that is Bree – he’s only 16.  (Says a lot for Brown, who he replaced).   So I’ll concern myself with the other 2.

Dudgeon – Slacki was spitting feathers at this guy’s awfulness on Saturday.  Interesting that the Robins targeted him and not the aforesaid 16 year old.  All 3 (that number again!) goals came from Dudgeon’s side.  #1, their guy cuts inside and he’s somehow clean through, 10 yards out and sidefoots home. Where’s everyone else?  Well, actually, the rest of the defence is all there – but they’ve retreated at such a rate of knots that they’ve ran past this bloke and are standing marking nobody.

#2, same again, only this time their player has to pass the ball to an unmarked individual, while Nyatanga belatedly goes across to cover.  #3 is a comedy in its own right, as we cede possession direct from kick off (Dudgeon managing to keep the ball in, only for their winger to nick it and sprint 50 yards clear). The cross then hits a defender and falls nicely into the path of a Townie to knock home.  Cue boos and and a semi-mass walkout.  Talk about history repeating itself, it was only a fortnight since MK stuck 5 past us.

I dunno who it was asked, but ‘why are left backs so s***?’  Good question.  I don’t think we’ve had a decent left back since Chris Barker (and Slacki will argue over that one too, tho at least he brought in £600k!)  Kennedy, McEveley, Heckingbottom, Williams,…Gibbs.  And that’s not even mentioning the ones on loan (Dickenson, Andy Holt…anymore?)  That is 14 years of unbroken sh*teness.  I heard someone say the on-loan Dudgeon ‘wasn’t Premiership class’.  Well, at this rate, he’s not even 3^rd division class.  Like the bunch mentioned, he’s heading towards non-league obscurity, or eking out a career at Port Vale (who’re higher than us in the table, at least).

Then there’s Lewin Bl**dy Nyatanga, who, for me, is the invisible man.  How does a centre half manage to be so anonymous?  I realise one or 2 on here love him to bits cos he’s not ‘Captain Fantastic’ but what I want in a defender is the ability to defend.  Or at least organise the ones around him to do it. Nyatanga does neither.  That’s 10 conceded in 3 games and he’s been the one constant.  Apart from his non-existence, my favourite bit of Nyatanganism on Satdy was when he went out wide left to head a ball and he somehow headed it into our own area.  So, out of position AND doing their job for them. Get rid.

As a team, apart from an inability to pass, head, tackle, shoot, etc, the one big problem appears to be the team’s lack of pace.  Swindon..and Port Vale…and MK…were just too fast for us.  Oddly, the only time we looked anything like was when he brought on the fatboys...Treacy and Jennings….and even then we went from 0-1 to 0-3.  There aren’t many things more demoralising in life than having Swindon fans sing ‘we score when we want’ at you.  Thank god they only wanted 3.

*** Turnbull.  Sponsors MOTM.  3 fantastic saves, otherwise…well, we’d have lost by even more than we did.

** No-one.  F*** em.

* ditto.

Despatches:
Perhaps playing 3 forwards wasn’t the way forward (sorry!)  We looked a lot more balanced as an attacking unit once he took one of them off (along with defensive midfield ‘lynchpin’ Crainie).  Yet still we only forced 2 real saves the whole match, though M’Voto missed a great chance early doors, ghosting in late from a free kick to sky it.

Drink du jour:

By my reckoning I had 8 pints and a fair share of vodka and JD on the train.  Proof that I’m not built for this was falling asleep on the bus and finding myself in Clapham Park.  Again.  Cue a walk and a bus back where I’m recognised by an ex pupil who asked ‘are you drunk?’  As if.  I was way beyond drunk….

Away: 486