Stevenage P-P BFC, Saturday 20th January 2024

‘Another week unbeaten.’

I’ve been looking forward to this for ages. It’s Barnsley’s first ever visit to Stevenage and the only League 1 ground I’ve not seen the Super Reds play at. Thus, I’m treating myself, getting the train. Get there nice and early, meet up with the Londontykes and find the best drinking hole before staggering on to watch the football through a haze. Sounds like a plan.

Setting off on a 7:30 train and travelling via Leeds, I arrive at Stevenage at 11:02. It’s a mild, sunny day but there’s a pitch inspection at 11am. As the weather has been ok for a few days, surely this is a formality. However, the decision has been bottled and there’ll be another inspection at 1. Time to be concerned. We head up to the old town, 20 or so minutes’ walk in the wrong direction from the ground and have a quick snifter in the Wetherspoons before heading to the Six Hills Brewery tap room, ‘The Broken Seal’, which doesn’t open till midday.

The others drift in over the next hour, including an old uni mate who I’ve dragged over from St. Albans. He’s coming to the game too, the fool. A plethora of quaffable ales are imbibed. It is, without doubt, my favourite away drinking hole of the season (and the company’s great too). And it’s a good job, as word comes through of the inevitable. The match has been postponed, less than 2 hours before kick-off, with the majority of Reds fans already in or around Stevenage. It’s like Exeter, last season, or Charlton a few years back. There is absolutely zero consideration for away fans travelling long distances. Why decisions like this can’t be taken the day before, only the EFL know.

In the end, I nearly miss my train back. I’ve cleverly elected not to let food get in the way of drinking and it’s touch and go whether I’ll make it. That would’ve just topped it off. Still, I’m an eternal optimist, and today’s cancellation brings several improvements in our players; Phillips didn’t sky any over, Shepherd didn’t gift the opposition a dozen chances in the 1st 10 minutes, Cole didn’t hide behind any defenders, Jordan didn’t look confused and Kane looked faster than usual. However, Watters was still dogsh*t. Plus ca change.

Drink du jour: Anything and everything. I know it started with a Leffe...

Away: c1,000+. I hope they enjoyed their day as much as I did.

The Damage:
£47 travel

BFC 2-1 Carlisle United, Tuesday 16th January 2024

‘Rest your chest!’

Was that the worst ever winning performance ever in the history of worst ever winning performances? It’s certainly up there. The opening 14 minutes were EXTRAORDINARY. Carlisle should have racked up 4 goals with some absolutely bizarre defending from us. We’re 40 seconds in when Shepherd confuses himself and let’s their centre forward run on to it. Only a great save from Roberts denies them. Then Shepherd passes is straight to another opponent, on his own with the keeper to beat. The player is so surprised he puts it wide. I am on the verge of agreeing with Slacki that we’ll win this one five nowt (any team that misses those chances is onto a hiding to nothing) when our luck runs out. The keeper inexplicably gives it straight to Luke Armstrong (son of Alan) who drills it home off the post from 30 yards. And there’s still time for Styles to be stripped down our left and a cross be headed against our post. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it.

The Carlisle manager (Paul Simpson) put it down to their excellence, and it was true, they pressed high, but every single chance was on us. We were APPALLING. At half-time I bumped into BARNSLEY’S LOUDEST FAN, Darryl. He put it down to Kane and Phillips. THEY’RE JUST S*** he bellowed from 20 cm away. In truth, it could have been any of them, save for McAtee and De Givigny. And what about Styles? 2 minutes after his first defensive aberration he’s let the right winger free straight from a throw-in. Thankfully, that cross came to nought. Whythehell isn’t Cadden playing? Didn’t we see enough of Styles on Satdy? Anyway, it’s half-time and the PA tells me Cadden is on. Woo hoo!

‘Cept it’s not Styles that’s been hooked, it’s Connell. Styles is now centre mid. And Cotter is on, ‘the Irish Messi’ according to the 3 lads behind me. ‘Run, Barry, run’ they mocked. (Later, Jon Russell would get the treatment when he came on.) Suddenly, we’re camped in THEIR half, though without the chances to show for it. Then, Jordan Williams takes the bull by the horns and goes on a run from the halfway line before firing a pass to Cole. The latter controls superbly before firing it into the far corner with his left foot. Oh, I nearly forgot. This is just after Carlisle have missed an open goal, as Shepherd’s backpass is short and the centre forward lofts it over Roberts...and narrowly wide. I thnk everyone in Oakwell was waiting for it to loop into the net.

Then...nothing. Well, Cadden was doing his best, whipping a ball all the way across the inside of a crowded 6 yard box devoid of forwards wanting to get in there and put the ball in the net. Then Coach Collins plays his usual card…on comes Cosgrove to no avail, though hauling Styles allows McAtee to drop behind the front 2. Still nothing (a weak McAtee overhead kick not counting). Then, with time slipping away, Phillips has a coming together in the box. There’s a half-hearted appeal for a pen. The ref pauses, thinks about it...and gives it! I thought it was weak. Phillips has struggled to get the ball under control all night, so I’m not sure he has this time either. But you knows the rules: he’s on the floor so it must be. Their manager Paul Simpson later describes the award as ‘embarrassing’ and ‘disgusting’. Herbie Kane drills it high and down the middle, 2-1. Cue chants of ‘he gets the ball and he scores a goal, Herbie, Herbie Kane’ on the bridge afterwards. Probaly those lads sat behind me.

We have, unbelievably, won. We have missed zero chances, they could have had 6. I am convinced we will go on to be the worst team ever to win promotion.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cadden. Ran at them, delivered crosses, our biggest attacking threat.
** De Givigny. Mainly for the first half, holding his head while everyone else in the back line was losing theirs.
* Cole. The Goal King does it again.

Official MOTM: Cadden

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cadden 2. McAtee 3. Cole

Despatches:
I know I said it was an extraordinary opening segment, but that’s forgetting a fight breaking out in the Ponty after half an hour. With chants of ‘dee dah dee dah’ I presume the 2 lads having punches and missiles thrown at them were a bit lost, but, say they were Washday or Blunts, whythehell spend Tuesday nite watching THAT? And why make yourself known? And why be anywhere near our youth in the top corner of the Ponty? It was all a bit bizarre. Like our defending.

The mercurial Cotter barely featured, though did put in a couple of long throws. Russell came on and looked lost (I know, cos I got a running...or walking...commentary behind me). Phillips was awful at times, along with stablemate Kane. Championship player of the month for December? He wasn’t even BARNSLEY’S player of the month. That was McAtee, who again looked the most likely, first half. Connell was never in it. Was he hauled cos he’s injured? Or ill? Or off to Huddersfield? Cosgrove failed to win a header or hold a ball up, but in his favour...he’s not Watters. Roberts...did he make a save that 2nd half? Possibly not. Shepherd continued to look a liability throughout, though did make a couple of good challenges, while Jordan showed the likes of O’Keefe and Cotter how it’s done with that run.

Still, after hearing from A. Londontyke that we have 10 (TEN) Championship quality players, I was looking forward to scoring spadefuls against relegation certainties Carlisle. Maybe we’ll do that in the away game?

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramahs.

Away: 883. A tremendous turnout from our friends in the north. They seemed to be having fun, singing to themselves about libraries, the sh*thole they’ve chosen to go to and our support being less than creditable. It was hard to disagree.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
£2.50 fanzine
= c.£10.50

BFC 2-1 Bristol Rovers, Saturday 13th January 2024

‘He’s a rapist. Nice kid though.’

I was chatting to a nameless Londontyke on Satdy. The omission of Luca Connell from our matchday squad started rumours amongst the chattering class that he was off to Huddersfield. (Why Huddersfield?) He was one of 3 players my colleague considered Championship class...'two of whom aren’t ours!’ I agreed. We have 3 players ready to make the step up, and 2 are on loan, Roberts and McAtee. The latter had a starring role on Satdy and was involved in most things good about our performance, whether floating around in a front 2 with Cole, or dropping back to a #10 role with Cosgrove introduced to finish the opposition off...which worked a treat, as Rovers equalised. Thankfully, the team recovered to run up the field and grab a winner through an inconsistent wingback. Fancy!

It was actually an open game, or at least the opening 45 was. Both sides looked to score and defences were pretty stretched at times. Our other loanee, Roberts, came to the rescue twice, saving one-on-ones, including an injury time effort after the Bury Baggio let the ball run needlessly under his foot. If their equaliser later (a blinding header) ‘doesn’t happen with this guy’ (new signing, 6ft 5 Donovan Pines), then that chance doesn’t happen if the manager picks Cadden at left wing back. (Out of interest, can anyone contradict my assertion that Cadden put in more crosses in 5 minutes than Styles did in 90?)

We’d also had chances of our own. Kane is free on the left and squares it instead of shooting; Shepherd (in for McCart) has a powerful header from a corner saved, and there’s an extraordinary scramble which somehow doesn’t end up with the ball in the back of the net. So it’s left to Goal King Cole to slide home after his initial header, a bullet into the top corner, is superbly saved. Unfortunately for the keeper, he pushes it onto the post and the ball rolls along the line. And had Cole not been there, a 2nd Red was there to finish (Phillips? McAtee?)

The second half wasn’t so bright, until coach Collins intervenes. He sends on Cosgrove and within minutes they’re level. Thankfully, it’s early enough for us to do something about it and we win it from a surprising source, Phillips playing in wingback O’Keefe on the overlap. And while everyone wonders which forward he’ll not pick out, he drills it into the far corner. Lovely. Are we top 2 yet?

Onwards and upwards!

*** McAtee. Lovely movement and vision.
** Roberts. Excellent saves and nothing much he could do about the goal.
* Cole. Good finish and some nice touches.

Official MOTM: McAtee

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. McAtee 2. Phillips 3. Cole

Despatches:
Good news! I won’t have to continue to be peed off at 12 million being wasted on that new bridge! Why? Cos it’s now costing THIRTEEN MILLION, with extra funding promised to ‘finish it off’. Give me a decent amount of explosive and I’LL finish it off.

Jon Russell. What’s he for? Stepped in for Connell, Satdy. Let’s hope it’s not permanent, Has there ever been a slower footballer? Not so much of a problem when he’s laying it off to others, but it is when he misplaces a pass and they are 10 yards behind him before he’s turned. Half a dozen others made careless passes in our half (a Cole backheel springs to mind) which turned into their best attacks. Mind, when Luke Thomas (is he still young?) is your greatest threat, you can rest easy. Still promised much and delivered little, before he was hauled. The more things change, the more they remain the same, etc.

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral City

Away: 512.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Southport 2-0 Darlington, Tuesday 9th January 2024

Southport 2-0 Darlington, National League North, The Big Help Stadium (Haig Avenue), att. 647 (away: 78)

Now I’m living in the Pennines, a whole new world of groundhops has opened. This evening, my old local side Darlington are playing at Southport. A chance to see a former football league ground! It’s got me thinking. How many former league grounds (which are still being used) have I not been to? Southport. Well, I’ve mentioned them. Hereford. Must go there sometime. Do I have a vague recollection of Kidderminster Harriers being in the league? I presume they haven’t moved. Thereafter, I may have to do some research. Do Glossop North End still play where they played when they were in the league a century ago? I’ll find out.

Sadly, it’s midweek, so I’ll not be seeing the sea. Nor will I get a view of Gormley’s figures on the beach, partly cos Kev tells me they’re not in Southport (as I thought) but somewhere called Formby. Named after the 30s comedian, no doubt. Kev is a Darlo fan I know from our London days and when I make the offer to pick him up in Ashton, he promises he was going to the game anyway. Company might be good on a night like tonite.

Darlo are in dire straits, on to their 3rd manager of the season. However, an injury time winner in a crucial 6 pointer at fellow strugglers Kings Lynn on Satdy offers hope, however little. Southport are 5th off bottom and 4 go down. Darlo, 7 points behind, but a game in hand, are 3 places behind. The scene is set.

We follow the satnav, via a housing estate (Kev may have called a right turn a bit early) and on the edge of Southport we glimpse the floodlights and empty yellow seats of the main stand. Is that a pub? Indeed it is. I pull in. We can always walk to the ground from here. A pint later, I decide we are NOT walking from here. This is a match in the 6th tier of English football in front of a few hundred diehards. Surely I can find somewhere closer. I end up parked on a grassy roundabout in a street 100 yards from the ground. Perfect, though I wouldn’t have dreamed of parking there were there not other cars already intruding upon the green.

We’ve already got our tickets. Kev has done his homework. They’re 150 pence cheaper in advance, and they’re on his phone. Away fans have an open terrace behind the goal and part of the Main Stand. It’s far too cold to be sitting...and far too cold to be standing, come to think. The crowd is sparse, the greatest concentration under cover behind the home goal, huddling together like penguins. To our left, a few lone Spheniscidae (penguins) dot themselves around. Perhaps they don’t like company. Or warmth.

My left foot is numb by the game’s end, but the temperature gives me something to think about other than how appalling Darlo are this season. Tonite, outside of the craziest goalmouth scramble I’ve ever seen, Darlo create...nothing. Yet it’s still an improvement on their bottom 2 draw I saw the other month with Gloucester. Could be worse, I thought, I could be hungry. A fan near me returns to his spot after foraging for food. ‘They’ve only got coffee!’

Southport win it, with two goals from rebounds. Time stands still for the first, as a slow motion scuff arcs onto the bar with two defenders and the keeper staring. The ball returns to a startled forward (who should’ve bagged the 1st effort) and he bobbles it in with his studs. That’s about 20 minutes in. The killer, 5 mins or so from time, is a 35 yard free kick which rebounds straight into the path of the same forward. The same defenders were probably still staring, transfixed. We all agree Darlo can start planning for the Northern Premier League now. And I’m freezing. Can I go home now?

The Damage:
£13.50 ent
= £13.50

Do they even do programmes? I never saw one.

Manchester City 5-0 Huddersfield Town, Sunday 7th January 2024

Manchester City 5-0 Huddersfield Town, FA Cup 3rd Round, Etihad Stadium, att. 51,939

With my team Barnsley chucked out of the cup cos they can’t fill in the right forms (ineligible player) and our League 1 game with Oxford cancelled because they’re still in this pesky competition, it’s a chance to scan the fixtures and see what I can come up with. As much as I’d love a ticket for Sunderland-Newcastle, that’s a non-starter. However, local Championship side Huddersfield have drawn Man City away and my partner is a massive KdB (Kevin de Bruyne) fan and he’s due to return after months out through injury. Surely I can bag tickets for this one.

The Man City website makes life difficult. Seems you have to be a member and I’m not paying forty quid for membership, to then perhaps visit the Etihad once this season. It makes no economic sense to me, but I’m sure it makes plenty of money for their well oiled (Qatari owned pun intended) corporate machine. So I keep an eye on when tickets will go on general sale in the away end. With an allocation of 6,000, I’m optimistic, and sure enough, I bag a pair within minutes of them going on sale to the hoi polloi over the Xmas period. We’re in the middle tier, level 2, as Man City put the top tier tickets on sale first. Suits us!

By the time the game comes round, it’s a sellout. I’ve not been to too many of them lately, though the front few rows on the top tier in the away end have been covered over, presumably to prevent visitors raining objects on the home fans below. We hop on a train at Slaithwaite, on the Hudds to Manchester line and expect it’ll be rammed, but fortunately there’s enough direct services that it’s empty enough that we get seats for the scenic journey (part of the ale trail...once the weather improves!)

We eschew the hostelries for brunch at Mackie Mayor, a former market hall revamped with various eateries around picnic tables. It’s lovely, close enough to the city centre that it’s not much of a walk, but far enough away that it doesn’t attract the wrong crowd (apart from us). There’s a few footie fans in, both Terriers and ‘Cityzens’ but there’s allsorts here. Cityzens? These marketing types...

It’s maybe the best part of half an hour’s walk to the ground, but a good portion of it is along the canal, and it’s a pleasant enough winter’s day. After mulling outside the Etihad, we head for the away end. Massive queues...but not to worry, they’re not as big as feared, as they’ve put a cordon around the stadium, about 20 yards from the turnstiles. We’re in, and raring to go.

Sadly, KdB is on the bench and it’s all Huddersfield...for the first 10 seconds. Thereafter, it was like watching rugby, as City went from one side to the other, trying to eke the Terriers out from their 11 man defence arched around the penalty area. I have to say, it was starting to get a bit tedious when the ball took a lucky deflection and Foden lashed in the loose ball. The Terriers had held out for 32 minutes and 4 mins later the game was all but over as Grealish miskicked an intended shot and Alvarez poked it home with his studs.

Before the hour, KdB entered the fray to an ovation from the City fans and it was three within a minute as it’s Bobb’s turn to be fortunate, his cross deflecting past the keeper for an own goal. For all their possession, the Gods have smiled on City. However, now KdB is on, he runs the show. He’s here, he’s there…Foden grabs an immaculate 4th from a short corner routine, before KdB assists the 5th for Doku. There’s 74 minutes on the clock but the introduction of random juniors (AKA future superstars) from the City bench slows the pace down somewhat, much to Huddersfield’s relief.

By now, there’s a semblance of an atmosphere too. The away fans have given up the game and are now attempting to bait City into some noise. ‘Where were you when you were s***?’ fabulously retorted with ‘scoring 10 when you were s***’. It was 1987, Manchester City 10 Huddersfield Town. 1. Barnsley played Hudds a week after. Two nil up, ‘we want 10’ rang round the away end. It finished two all.

So, the most boring 5 nil I’ve ever seen, 84% possession for Man City. The magic of the cup. I’ve seen 3 games at the Etihad and Man City have scored seventeen times. Staggering.

The Damage:
£22.50 ent
£4 prog
= £26.50