BFC 3-2 Middlesbrough, Saturday 26th February 2022

‘It’s Steve McQueen on t’motorbike time.’ …..’I don’t wanna tell you…but….it didn’t end well for him.’

Can I first of all say, it’s all down to me? Nevermind the recent on loan acquisitions of Shirley (Bassi) and Quina, it’s all to do with my change of pre-match routine. Having struggled all season, I’ve taken to being left behind by all my ‘mates’, grabbing a steak bake at northern delicatessen ‘Greggs’, then walking through the Alhambra. Twice I’ve done it, and twice we’ve won. If only I’d started this in August! Mind, superstition and lucky omens is only one step away from believing in God. And I’m not that credulous (yet).

Satdy was a very very fine day all round. In what must be the best performance of the season, we beat an in form Boro side who I confidently predict will make the play-offs*. IMHO (don’t you hate ppl who use that?) the Smoggies are the best side I’ve seen this season bar Fulham. AND WE BEAT THEM! A mix of fine finishing, dogged defending…and luck. Basically, the 3 things you need to beat a side better than yourselves. Plus 4 loanees who don’t half make our side better than the dross wot went before. (Admittedly, one of those loanees – Gomes – was part of the dross wot went before, but still.)

*I hope I’m wrong.

Two nil up after 16 minutes. Since when has that happened? Someone must know / can be ar5ed to do the leg work. Not this season, that’s for sure. And, unbelievably, I was in to see the opener on 7, as Shirley curled a delicious ball into the box for Mads to head across the keeper into the corner. I partly say ‘unbelievably’ cos I’d not simply forgotten my season ticket…I’ve lost it completely. So there was 15 minutes in the box office sorting that out. (Note to self: if you ‘forget’ your ST, they’ll replace the match ticket free of charge; replace a ST and they’ll charge you a fiver; simply ‘forget’ your ST on a match-by-match basis!)

After 16 minutes, Shirley sidesteps a defender and pokes it home from 16 yards. Yes, POKES it home. It dribbles past a wrong-footed keeper who looked as stunned as we did. Christ, we were good that first half. Styles in particular took them apart. We also did this thing where we pressed high up the pitch. You know, like we did last season (when we came 5th). At 3-1 up, and the team naturally dropping deep to defend, there was one instance where Boro had the ball in defence and Asbaghi IMPLORED Styles to push up and press. It’s only taken 33 games. Mention should also be given to Morris, who Boro manager Wilder claimed single-handedly took on and beat their back 3. That was good of him (Wilder, I mean).

Then came the moment, 9 minutes into the second half. THE finest moment of the season, and one I have recollected 50 times this weekend and which I intend to think about over and over again as I go to sleep tonight. There’s a throughball from Morris…the Boro centre half fails to deal with it and Shirley is through. Only he doesn’t have the legs for it and the centre half gets back…he’s got his arms all over Shirley…Shirley is beginning to tumble….only he’s still got the ball under control and he scuffs it deliciously between the onrushing keeper's legs. The ball trickles towards goal…but there’s no doubt….it’s going in…it’s going in….and there’s NOTHING the Boro defence can do about it. It’ll probably cross the line round about April. YOU F***ING REDS!

Of course, no-one likes a drubbing, and the ref comes to the Smoggies’ aid as he gives a soft, soft penalty. I’ve seen it on telly and there doesn’t look anything to argue about, but seen from the vantage point of the East Stand, their bloke knocks the ball past Vita and deliberately runs into him and throws himself to the floor. Vita isn’t even making a challenge. The penalty is stroked home and there follows 15 minutes of the ref giving Boro absolutely EVERYTHING. Two players go shoulder to shoulder. Free kick to Boro (on the apex of our box). Styles is cleaned out on the halfway line. No foul. Collins takes too long on a goal kick. Booking. (OK, I’ll give him that one; it’s about time refs called keepers out for time wasting. I wish we had this ref for the Swansea play-off game at Oakwell! Yes, I AM still bitter.)

Anyway, we survive. Boro hit posts (plural), have a goal disallowed for offside (I couldn’t tell) and have complete control of the ball. Every time we clear, it comes straight back….but the defence are resolute and Collins isn’t especially called upon to make anything other than a bread and butter save. Even the long ranger he had to react to late, I’d expect him to save. And he did. Then, in the last minute of injury time, a peach of a low cross results in sub Kitching putting through his own goal, but the lack of response from the Boro fans (‘has it been disallowed???’) said it all. Time had run out, the ship had sailed, the overweight female had sung, etc etc. ‘We are staying up, we are staying up.’ Now, now, lads…let’s not get ahead of ourselves. God doesn’t actually exist.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Shirley. The Phil Foden of our team, the false 9, the touch of class…the finishing, the awareness. If it was November, I’d want him for Xmas.
**Styles. Was he also false 9? All over the place 1st half as he rampaged in their third. Welcome back, Harry!
* Mads. As well as scoring, he won EVERYTHING. Harshly ignored in the clamour for The Wolfe.

Official MOTM: Matty Wolfe (see despatches).

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Shirley (Bassi) 2. Wolfe 3. Styles

Despatches:
Did anyone know this game was all-ticket? Well, it was. One (dis)advantage of being in the box office pre-match was seeing the number of fans being turned away. Apparently, cos Boro had sold their allocation, it was made all-ticket. Fair enough, some might say. Nobody wants Smoggies in the home end (unless of course they’re paying top dollar - £60? – in the corporate section, as a pile of Boro fans were, ‘enjoying’ the finest seats in the East Stand Upper, arf arf). But ‘normal’ fans? Oh no. A couple had foreign accents. The ‘reason’/excuse why they couldn’t have a ticket was explained, and they staggered out, bamboozled. I hope they weren’t groundhoppers from some far flung nether region. (FYI, this once happened to me at Dynamo Dresden; they’d been naughty boys – again – and capacity was reduced to 10,000 and the terraces closed. But the ticket office woman sold me a ticket cos she didn’t think I was a threat*.) Let’s imagine we have enough stewards (I know that’s an issue) I’d happily sell the away side half the West Stand. I don’t care if we give our opponents 7,000 tickets, it’s more money in the Oakwell coffers…and lessens the chance of our owners stealing more of my money

*I later threw a smokebomb at the away dugout and lamped a TSV Munich 1860 fan. Not really.

Our players were MAGNIFICENT today. Vita gets better and better. He’s like that little dog who WON’T BLOODY LEAVE YOU ALONE. In fact, I’m sure he’d shag your leg if you stood still long enough. Why’s it taken till February to pick him? Quina continues to bring the ball out without looking like a rabbit in car headlights. Get him on the coaching staff and teach our actual players how to do this, please. I wonder how many games neither Benson OR Palmer have made it onto the pitch this season. What a difference that makes. As does Matty Wolfe holding fort in front of the defence. Why’s it taken till February to get him in the team, etc? And as it’s ‘despatches’….what about that covering block from Jordan Williams halfway through the first half. Like most opposition attacks this season, it came from a misplaced pass in midfield, one knock forward and they’re clean through. But Jordan’s pace, and willingness to chase, saved us. Going back to Quina though…he was knackered with 20 mins left. Unfortunately we’d ran out of subs, and I counted 3 times where he didn’t have the strength to kick the ball far enough….wasting 2 crosses when we outnumbered defenders on the break, and a ‘clearance’ which didn’t go 20 yards. We coulda been cruising at 4 or 5 -1. Luckily (that word again) it didn’t come to that. We held out. We are ‘by far the greatest team the world has ever seen’ and the celebrations at the end said it all.

Drink du jour: Pilot (blond session IPA). Beautiful.

Away: 4,740 (sellout). Took them 39 minutes for a round of ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home.’ Very disappointing.

Number of league games since a player owned by Barnsley scored 2 goals in a match (for Barnsley, George Miller at Walsall doesn’t count): 58. Would anyone like to guess who it was? (Clue: he's still with us.)

The Damage:
c. £35 petrol
£3 programme
£5 Season ticket replacement
= c. £43

The Tunes:
BBC 5Live (inc. listening to England v Wales at rugby on way home. ‘Is rugby better on the radio or the telly?’ asks my sports mad partner. ‘Radio. It only dulls one of my senses.’)

Middlesbrough 2-0 BFC, Wednesday 20th October 2021

‘Gi’im some stick, he’s from Wakefield.’

It didn’t start well. Before I’d even left Ferryhill, I’d wound my window down and was calling someone a d*ckhead. (The arrogant young pr*ck had purposely wandered out into the road and was making a show to his mates of forcing a car to slow down. Shoulda just skittled him and explained to his mates the Darwinian theory of natural selection. Grrrrr.) Yes, it’s fair to say I hadn’t set off in a positive frame of mind, which was lucky, cos….

What of new is there to say? From reading various reports of the Reading game last Satdy, this was more of the same. Of course, we played attractive stuff. Of course, we created the odd chance. Of course we didn’t score, and, of course, we got beat. It’s such a shame football is decided on goals scored, cos if it was about fannying about, we’d have a chance. We are a poor man’s Arsenal, trying to tippy-tappy it on the edge of their box, looking for the perfect goal, losing it on the 6th or 7th pass…and leaving ourselves open to a 3 on 3 break. I wouldn’t care if we lost it trying to play the killer pass, but we’re losing it trying to play the pass before the killer pass.

As ever, things could’ve been different. That renowned goalscoring centre forward Oduor had an early gilt-edged chance, running free with the keeper to beat. You could have written the script before he got his shot off, as, with all the conviction of the Birmingham 6 (does that work? I mean, they were eventually found not guilty…but they were initially convicted…oh nevermind!)…anyway, with all the conviction of Odejayi, Oduor bore down on the keeper (for ‘bore down’, read ‘looked like a rabbit in car headlights’) and sidefooted a tame effort off the far post. We should have gone home there and then, or at least he should.

Further early promise was in a couple of slick moves down the left, but, where once we’d have had Neil Redfearn running in for the Jordan Williams cutback, instead we have players hiding behind defenders. SOMEONE has to make that run in. Teams PRACTICE this sort of thing, they don’t simply leave it to chance and REACT to where the ball goes. They KNOW where the ball is going before it’s pulled back. OK, SOME teams. Not us. I am reminded of Callum Brittain’s interview on Radio Sheffield t’other week where he pretty much said they don’t know what they’re doing when they go forward.

Yes, for 19 minutes it was an exciting game. It was to and fro, as Boro threw up a few attacks too. Then they went and ruined it by scoring. A neat curling cross found Helik and Styles underneath it and their bloke on his own to score a simple header. It looks so easy – so why don’t we do it? (I don’t think we won a header in their box all night.) Weirdly, it killed the atmosphere too. Was the home end responding to us, so when we shut up, they did? Or did they know, that was game over? The rest of the half was damage limitation, as we barely made it into their half thereafter.

Half-time, and a chance for beleaguered boss Schopp to ring the changes, make inspirational speeches, etc (I guess, being Austrian, he doesn’t have quite the same historical benchmarks and war allegories we might use to gee up a dressing room). We came back out. If anything changed, I didn’t see it. As the half ground on, and all we had to show for it was a wasteful 20 yarder into the stand from Cauley, players came and went, subs came on, the desperation was palpable. Big Vic forced a save out of the keeper after beating a player, while a weak effort from Cauley still resulted in the keeper spilling it to Brittain. The keeper blocked that rebound well, before one of our faceless Belgians put the second rebound into the crowd. From about 15 yards. ‘Will we ever score a goal?’ sang the faithful.

As time was running out, so was the fans’ patience. There was an ironic chant of ‘It’s just like watching Brazil’ which I enjoyed. The second goal* was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Calls for the manager’s head had been notably absent till that point, but now the levee had broken. We want Schopp out, we want Schopp out.’ I didn’t join in, myself. I just don’t think I have it (passion) in me anymore. Is it just that I’m not that bothered whether we go down or not? I find myself more p***ed off about the West Stand shenanighans than anything out on the pitch. Also, while the blame ultimately finds its way to Schopp’s door, I don’t buy into the idea that these players are good enough. Individually, and collectively, they look like a relegation team (and I’ve seen plenty). Beyond Collins and Helik, I can’t see anyone else getting into another Championship side. Least, not one that stays up.

* I thought it was offside, but it’s that impenetrable new caveat ‘2nd phase’. What is the point of an offside trap anymore? (Mind, same for both teams...so when are WE going to utilise this rule for our own benefit?)

Onwards and upwards!

*** Collins. Again. Made several saves, came out and punched or headed clear, sound with his feet, couldn’t be blamed for either goal.
** Gomes. Excellent 1st half. Kept possession, turned away from trouble. Interestingly, looked the most abject at full-time, down on his haunches. A loanee, FFS!
* Big Vic. Took the game to them (a bit) when he came on, and, I’m pretty sure, actually controlled a ball.

Londontykes’ MOTM:

Despatches: Boro fans, realising they had a half empty Riverside and zero atmosphere, put forward an idea to the club. Could they have a patch of seating where they could stand and make some noise, without fear of being told to sit down or be chucked out. ‘Of course’ said the club. That area is now the fullest area in the ground, as those wishing to make some noise congregate in the same place. Shame about the drum, but we could learn a thing or 2 there. (Essentially, their main home end has changed, as could happen at Oakwell if we gave over some of the North Stand to those fans who don’t want to sit there dying a slow death.) The Riverside also had a couple of (working) clocks, so I could see EXACTLY how much more of this I have to watch. It’s surprising what a difference knowing how long has gone, whether it be in knowing how long we have to equalise, or how long till we can go home. Mind, their big screen appeared lost in some late 1990s timewarp, where their only players were Ravanelli, Juninho and Emerson, rather than Robbie Mustoe, Mark Proctor and Simon Coleman.

Our team? Woebetide anyone who pinned their hopes on the Belgians. Cut your losses now. I notice Oulare is #58. Is that cos he’s twice the player Big Vic (#29) is? Or did the club shop only have numbers ‘5’ and ‘8’ available? Either way, I presume he’s the best #58 in our history.

Home grown/home bought players like Styles, Brittain, Moon….decent prospects, but on current form, they’d be out of the team, which says everything for the replacements. (I’ll second guess Loko by saying I KNOW Mads/Kitching/Benson/Morris are injured). Today’s rested beast was Romal Palmer, an attacking midfielder with how many goals and assists to his name this season? Honestly, this team, this squad, has relegation written all over it. And apathy is spreading. One Londontyke has already announced he’d rather sit at home and watch the Blunts game this weekend, rather than drive up. And I have to admit, I had a cheeky look at alternative Boxing Day fixtures this week. Do I really want to drive 2 hours to Barnsley when I could be watching the big derby – Spenny v Darlo? Of course, it might be mused that said Londontyke is subconsciously channelling the likely feeling of Sunday’s game, envisaging 4000 Blunts crowing at our expense. Well, it was a concern I heard voiced in the bogs at full-time (and one I’d already contemplated from my Riverside seat).

Anyway, Markus, I’m sorry things haven’t worked out. You took the well-trodden continental gamble of Stendel, that bald bloke who’s name I forget (Struber! Got there in the end!), and Big Val, but sadly, for you, and us, it hasn’t worked out. If we don’t see each other again, best of luck. You tried getting this bunch to play football, but, alas, they’re not capable. I think they had it bred out of them by the last bloke.

ps, you have to chortle at the music choice of the Boro DJ at full-time. ‘Livin’ on a prayer’. Could our chances have been better summed up?

Drink du jour: None.

Away: c.400.

The Damage:
£30 ent
£3 programme
= £33

The Tunes:
None.

BFC 1-0 Middlesbrough, Saturday 22nd February 2020

‘It’s not the weather, it’s the wind’

This is Barnsley.

This game will live long in the annals.  Minutes, maybe even hours.  Because for long periods, simply nothing happened.  Don’t get me wrong, we were trying.  But against an ambitiousless Middlesboro, it was a slog.  The big news was Strudel’s team…a back 3…or was it 5?  Either way, Sollbauer, Jordan Williams and Halme would hold the middle against Boro’s £26m forward line.  Yes, Assombalonga, Fletcher and Guestede would all look very average against our new look defence, who achieved a 2^nd consecutive clean sheet (when, for a second consecutive game, there was no Diaby or Mads).  I love these ‘coincidences’.

The green shoots of a half decent defence.

Assombalonga in particular caught the eye.  The only time he looked interested was the twice he argued over a throw-in.  A throw-in, FFS!  Fans who think our fabulously wealthy owners should chuck the cash around ought to be careful what they wish for: Assombalaonga cost £15 million.  Even Fletcher, who we think of fondly after being with us in the 3^rd division, gets brickbats for being a ‘bit soft’.  For £7m, north-eastern folk expect their forwards to at least ‘put it about a bit’.  He took the ‘a bit’ literally.  What a waste of space.

The lack of pedestrians signalling my lateness.

Course, this is to undermine the fabulousness of our new-look defence who restricted Boro to precisely ZERO shots on target.  Zero.  I could have done with a couple, just to make it interesting, but they were nothing.  Whisper it, but despite being 5 points shy of safety, we have a CHANCE.  In recent weeks I have seen Huddersfield be bloody awful, Washday be bloody average and Boro be bloody disinterested.  Add the fact Dull City have just sold their only two players and are without a win in 2020, and they’re ripe for the taking on Wednesday.  Even Malik Wilks gets a game there (and I’d let him play against us, too).

The old Main Stand.

Mind, against a team so devoid of attacking intent as Boro, we only needed the one goal.  And for all of Jacob Brown’s keen running, it was arch poacher Chaplin who bagged.  As the pullback came to him, he put his foot on the ball while all around panicked.  Just like Huddersfield (I think it was Huddersfield).  Only this time, instead of calmly stroking it home, he played a 1-2 off the bar and put in the rebound.  Who says we never get any luck?  The result was never in doubt.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jordan Williams.  Looked better for being in a back 3 than his normal right back spot.    

** Sollbauer.  Imagine where we’d be if we’d got rid of the Chuckle Brothers earlier and had this guy in?

* Halme.  Porthos, Athos, and now Aramus.  The 3 musketeers did a grand job today.

ps, who was the official MOTM?  I was there and I can’t remember.  Sollbauer?  (It was Ludewig.)

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Sollbauer  2. Brown  3. Ludewig

One of them seasons Boro arrive in numbers.

Despatches:
I’m not normally any good at getting my round in at the Old Number 7, normally saving myself for the mortgage-threatening likes of the Sheffield Tap, or the Parcel Yard in Kings X.  So how I laughed when I took a turn this week and Reedy ordered a pint of Northern Monk and was warned it was expensive.  Expensive?  £6.50.  ‘Do you have a matchday drinkers badge?’  ‘Yes I do – on my other coat’.  Luckily, the barmaid took pity (Nozzer wasn’t there, with his discount card) and gave me the 10% off.  I mean, it was nice – but not six pounds fifty nice.  Reedy went back to Acorn blonde when it was his round…

The players?  Oh yeah, they all played well.  But if anyone should be in that top 3 who wasn’t, it’s Jacob Brown.  It’s not just that he runs around, he runs around with PURPOSE.  And while he’s not bagged the goals of Chaplin or Woodrow, he’s a big reason why those 2 are bagging.  He’s already in my top 100 all-time list of favourite Barnsley players (Waddington actually wrote one last week; Clarke Oduor is #85 and rising!)

...shame they didn't stay.

Drink du jour: Weihenstephaner in #7, Leffe on train. 

Away: 3,999.  To begin with, anyway.

The Damage:
£35 train
£3 programme
= £38

The Tunes:
Con Todo El Mundo (Khruangbin)
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (The Flaming Lips)

East Stand panorama

Into the light of Oakwell

The Boro coaches (and a February ad for Xmas trees!)

Let's be upstanding for the Reds' goalscorer!

Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Middlesbrough, Tuesday 14th January 2020

Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Middlesbrough, FA Cup 3rd Round replay, att. 49,202

Welcome to...the Tottenham 'burbs.

I'm back up to 91 of 92 following this trip to the racket that is Tottingham Hotspur.  For all the positive vibes they've received over the last few years from their policy of playing English players, to their European Cup Final venture, they remain a business obsessed with making money.  Sharp practices tonite included charging a £7 booking fee for the tickets (£1 for members) and a staggering £10 to put a bag in a tent.  You have been warned.  (As an aside, in Germany...where everything is better....if they don't let you bring your bags in, they'll have a portacabin where it's free, or a charge you a nominal €1).

You cannot make this up.

It started well.  Prices for this match were capped at £20.  Spurs season ticketholders, not exactly enamoured with Jose Mourinho, stayed away in droves, to be replaced by debutants such as me, and the lapsed Essex Spurs fans we met on the train afterwards.  This was one for the tourists, though I'd initially tried to get tickets in the Boro end, worried the home end would sell out.  Instead, it was the other way around, as Boro sold out as soon as they went on general sale, though an allocation of barely 3,000 was surely below what they were entitled.  Did Boro not request their full entitlement?  Or have the rules changed?  Didn't teams used to be allowed 25%, or 20% of capacity?

Boro players giving thanks to their corner at full-time.

Anyway, tickets bought, at something like the 12th time of trying.  The site kept crashing on my devices, but I finally got through on my partner's.  I'd aimed to be at the opposite end to that giant one-tiered home end, but the website ground me down.  I eventually just clicked on the 'best tickets available' option and was given a pair high up in the home end.

The view from behind the goal.

My partner for the night, Loko, suggested we meet in Hackney for pre-match beer.  This was perfect, as we had craft ale at the Pembury Tavern, a place I hadn't frequented since working in Hackney...oooh....20 years ago...for the council.  (I was sacked/didn't have my contract renewed.  Little Boss said Big Boss didn't like me arguing with him.  Naive little old me thought that if you knew a better way to do things, bosses would be receptive to said ideas.  Like I said, I was a bit naive back then.  Best stick to telling bosses they're doing a grand job, even if they aren't).  Anyway, White Hart Lane station is 10 mins away from Hackney Downs.  Genius.  And you avoid drinking in Tottenham (another place I used to work, till I was offered a month's wage to leave.  'Can I have that in writing?'  I did.)

Chicken on a basketball (but check out those curves!)

Ah, great days.  That Tottenham place didn't like me telling a customer that they were right to complain, our service was shocking.  (It was a telecommunications company who appeared to only promote people based on being a particular religion.  I'll say no more.)  It was there I once got so drunk after work that I hoofed a rat in the high street 10 yards, as it came running toward me at midnight.  Best connection I've ever made.

Local map showing all the sights (one).

I digress.  The bag thing.  Ten whole pounds.  And I seriously considered just taking a carrier bag, but I thought it'd be ok...be like Arsenal...get a bag search and a tag on it to say you're not a terrorist.  But no, anything remotely resembling anything bigger than a lady's handbag was refused entry.  Loko had his laptop with him, so we'd have always needed to bring in one bag, which we did, as I stuffed mine in his.  We then queued for 45 minutes in the wind and rain to put it in said tent, as only 3 out of 9 staff had bothered to turn up.  (I'm not knocking them; minimum wage for 3 or 4 hours in the cold???)  So we missed kick-off, and the 1st goal, one-nil Spurs.

Bag ladies (and men) BEHIND us.

Luckily, we were in for the second, in the 15th minute, which is more than could be said for the 100 or so people behind us in the queue.  As we walked around the upper concourse, we could see the queue for bags still snaking onto the road below.  2-0 Spurs, half time (the second a smart finish from Lamela) and time for a beer.  Now, I'm sure you know Spurs have the longest bar in the world, 'parallel to the goalline' Loko said.  Aren't all bars behind the goal 'parallel to the goalline'?  Anyway, we were upstairs.  A pokey little bar took us all of half-time to get a beer, but we weren't bothered, we'd ticked off a ground, so we missed 20 minutes of the second half supping.

If by 'to do' one means 'to not winning anything'

If we'd managed to get in earlier, we could have enojoyed any of the numerous bars on the ground floor.  It looks almost shopping-centre like, which I'm not sure is good or bad.  Certainly, it's a lot more plush than the usual breezeblock Central of many a stadium, but on the other hand...it looks like a shopping centre.

I do like the artwork about the place.

The game looked sewn up, but with 7 minutes left, Boro scored.  A flutter of worry reached the home end, but Spurs soon put their foot on the ball and the danger passed.  The only question was how early to leave, to beat the rush.  We stayed, thereby beating the rush.  Why do folk leave early?  Good news on the bag front too, as it only took about 5 minutes to pick them/it up.  But I won't be bringing my bag again.  In fact, I may not come again, nice ground or not.*

*I considered the 4th round replay v Southampton.  'Only' 25 quid...but with that £7 booking fee, we're now over 30 quid.  No ta.

Time to go home.

The Damage (for 2):
£40 ent
£7 booking fee (non-members)
£10 bag drop
£10 2 pints
= £67
=£33.50 each.

The Tunes:
NME Singles of the Week 1993 (Various)
If You're Feeling Sinister (Belle and Sebastian)
Drone Logic (Daniel Avery)
Fabric 84 (Mathew Jonson)

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

Goal! to someone.  Spurs' 2nd.  My 1st.

Full-time.

Middlesbrough 3-1 BFC, Saturday 10th March 2018

‘Tell everyone you know.  We’ve got the best midfield in the world.’

Welcome to...Middlesbrough of course (Transporter Bridge)

I’ll start with the above chant.  Our vocal element, not usually known for irony or subtlety, were pounding this out to themselves for 5 minutes of the second half. It comes to something when some of our best ‘supporters’ (in the correct sense of the word) are mocking what purports to be the current ‘team’ (in the correct sense of the word).  Of course, it could merely be a sense of nostalgia, you know, for those heady days of long, long ago.  A time when Hourihane, and Scowen, Watkins and Hammill….and even Llllllloyyyyd Isgrove slayed the beasts of the Championship.  A time when bigger (richer) sides were put to the sword in emphatic style.  A time when it didn’t matter who we had up front (ok, it was Winnall), this team could win games.  In short, last season. Instead, what we had 53 mins in was a shambles of a side, three down, bereft of ideas and confidence, and going through the motions towards relegation. Would Boro score 5 or 6?  Well, it depended on how many they wanted. 

It didn't exactly start great.

So much for the half time team talk, nothing had changed since the players returned (ok, Thiam on for Hedges.  As I said, nothing had changed.)  We were AWFUL in that 1^st half.  I’d say the worst this season, though (as much as I’m loathe to say it) I think Boro are a very good side.  In particular, in Adoama Traore, they have a winger nobody could even get near.  So there was no point in trying.  Penniless was skinned at will at left back.  Would anybody help him out?  No. Why risk embarrassing yourself too. Just leave him to it.  And they did.  One little shimmy on the edge of our box, Traore cuts inside and bang!  2-0 and we’re 18 minutes in.  No illusions about winning this game then, and a repeat of Tuesday’s defeat at Cardiff.  I’m not sure we’re good enough to give teams in the top 6 a two goal headstart on their own turf, but that doesn’t stop us trying.

The Boro ultras.

Course, we were losing before I’d even entered the stadium. Was it 48 seconds or something?  It was my fault really, wanting a 2^nd beer at that great little social club on the way to the stadium.  There was no rush – nothing happens in the first few mins anyway.  Stu still had to buy his ticket (£30: bargain.  I bet hard-up Teessiders weren’t paying that in the home end) so as we headed through the turnstiles, a cheer.  Sounded a bit muffled to me.  Was it the Super Reds!?  Had we missed us taking the lead?  Reality dawned as we entered to see repeats on the concourse screens.  F*** me.  1^st minute.  Etc.

It wasn't warm on Teesside either.

We then elected not to leave our half for the rest of the 45, which was great for us, as Boro were kicking towards our end.  The Super Reds are thoughtful like that.  I’m not sure how it remained at two.  I know it wasn’t Townsend diving all over, saving our bacon.  Problies players like Bamford miskicking from superior positions.  

Still, after conversing with our friend from Wakey at half time (he was depressed too), we wasted no time in going three down.  Townsend comes out for a corner, was never going to get there (he’s too bloody short!)…didn’t get there…and the ball comes off Bamford’s knee and trickles in from 6 yards.  I guess we’re going in for some of that there ‘zonal marking’ everyone’s on about, where you don’t mark the man and don’t bother putting a man on the post. (Actually, with Davies and Townsend in goal, would it be worth experimenting with 11 on the line, cos neither can come out and claim a ball.)  Anyway, more grist to my argument; if we stay up (ha ha haaaaaa) we need two new goalkeepers. If we go down, Davies needs a back-up.

Match action.

Three-nil, game over, fans mocking the team (who’re probably unaware of it, given none of the ‘best midfield in the world’ are even on the pitch at this point) and our goal difference looking like it’s about to be blown to pieces.  Then, guess what? We have a shot.  Gardner, from 20 odd yards.  The keeper is so surprised, he lets it cannon off him, and Moore heads the rebound into an empty net.  Christ, I can’t believe it.  We’ve scored.  MOORE’S scored.  (I never thought I’d see the day.)  The fans regale the team with disbelieving chants of ‘we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal’, followed by a chortling round of ‘we’re gonna win 4-3.’  It was funnier in the Premiership.  Boro, a la Villa, don't appear to like showing action replays on the big screen of their team conceding. How very petty.

Pulis prowls the touchline.

Boro go to pieces.  The manager throws on Isgrove.  Crosses are whipped into the Boro box.  Moore stands just outside it.  (Stu kept wondering why Moore insisted on standing in the wrong place, not even making an effort to move.  I couldn’t tell him. Anybody?)  With 11 mins to go, (even Mallan is on now), a corner from the aforementioned is curled to the back post.  Moore makes the connection.  He can’t miss.  Oh, he has.  Off the post.  No bad luck about it.  Unmissable – and there goes our chance of salvaging something.  We even have time to have the usual penalty appeal turned down, as apparently it isn’t a foul to pull McBurnie back as he runs around you. 

Pulis prowling, Morais...dejected?  

Yes, I’m not sure how that happened, how we nearly made it to nearly…cos believe me, Boro were head and shoulders above us.  (I thought the same in the game at Oakwell, but we BATTLED that day.)  This is my first view of the Super Reds under the new coach, and I’m far from impressed.  If I was him, I’d be looking on my sat-nav and checking out how to get to Oldham, Fleetwood, Walsall and the rest.  Yet, just to emphasize how s*** you can be in this division and still have a chance of staying up…the others around us lose again and we’re STILL not in the bottom 3.  Just what is the lowest points tally of a team staying up?  I’m sure this season will surpass it, cos I have not seen a bottom 4 (5, 6, 7) as bad as what is being witnessed this season, that’s for sure.  Two flukey wins and we’re safe.  Starting with Norwich tomorrow nite, a free hit if ever there was one.  COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Onwards and upwards!

Looking toward the far end.

*** No-one.  Be serious for a minute.

** Isgrove.  Came on for half an hour.  Ran at players, got crosses into the right areas.  No-one there.  What a waste of time.

* Mallan.  Fine, I’m mainly basing this on his renowned deadball delivery, but it IS rather good.  Shame he has to try and find a Barnsley player.  (See above: ‘what a waste of time’.)

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. No-one  2. No-one  3= No-one/Isgrove

Despatches:

I’ll start with Kajagoogoo in midfield.  Who IS that bloke?  Plays like a s*** George Moncur.  Ah, right, it’s our new signing, Krasmuller or somesuch.  If there was a wrong ball to be played, he played it.  He’s either Mike Sheron, on a different level to everyone else, or he’s Mike Sheron.  S***.  (Hopefully the former.)  Gardner and Williams ran around being s***.  When one plays, he’s generally very good.  When the pair of them are there, it’s the opposite.  Two pluses making a negative?  That Cavare must be some player.  Cos Yiadom can’t get a game.  Christ on a bike.  Penniless improved 2^nd half.  Well, he had to.  Good to see Jackson back (against his old team, to boot) though he wasn’t great.  Lindsay wasn’t too bad (this is all relative).  Hedges was dogs***.  Did he even touch the ball before being brought off.  Worst right winger in the world.  Here’s a clue: he can only kick a ball with his LEFT foot.  I’d try playing him on the left.  (I am a true radical.)  Thiam came on at half time.  I told Stu that he charges about, runs at players, gets the fans excited, delivers nothing.  Well, I was right on the last point.  Moore lacked presence, which is impressive for a GIANT.  McBurnie remains our only hope.  But you knew that already.

ps, I f***ing hate the countryside.  Without boring you to death, it took me 3 hours after the match to cover the 16 or so miles from Middlesbrough to north-east epicentre Ferryhill, via public transport.  P***ing it down, as well.  I did though return to The Smoke with three (count ‘em!) pots of pease pudding.  Yum!

Home time.  One last shot.

Drink du jour: A couple of pints of IPA for the Captain, PA for me, and one measly beer for Stu, who was driving back to Oxfordshire later.  (Clever timing – or poor -  Stu was up here for business.)

Away: 1,037.  Decent vocal support, considering the lack of product.

The Damage:
£8 Megabus up
£54 train back
£3 prog
£30 ent
£10.30 two poxy buses from Smoggyville to Ferryhill
= £105.30

The Tunes:
Silver or Lead (Ursula Rucker)
Let Them Eat Chaos (Kate Tempest)
All Melody (Nils Frahm)
The Digging Remedy (Plaid)
Northumbrian Voices (Kathryn Tickell)
Uh Huh Huh (PJ Harvey)

Riverside panorama.