BFC 3-2 Middlesbrough, Saturday 26th February 2022

‘It’s Steve McQueen on t’motorbike time.’ …..’I don’t wanna tell you…but….it didn’t end well for him.’

Can I first of all say, it’s all down to me? Nevermind the recent on loan acquisitions of Shirley (Bassi) and Quina, it’s all to do with my change of pre-match routine. Having struggled all season, I’ve taken to being left behind by all my ‘mates’, grabbing a steak bake at northern delicatessen ‘Greggs’, then walking through the Alhambra. Twice I’ve done it, and twice we’ve won. If only I’d started this in August! Mind, superstition and lucky omens is only one step away from believing in God. And I’m not that credulous (yet).

Satdy was a very very fine day all round. In what must be the best performance of the season, we beat an in form Boro side who I confidently predict will make the play-offs*. IMHO (don’t you hate ppl who use that?) the Smoggies are the best side I’ve seen this season bar Fulham. AND WE BEAT THEM! A mix of fine finishing, dogged defending…and luck. Basically, the 3 things you need to beat a side better than yourselves. Plus 4 loanees who don’t half make our side better than the dross wot went before. (Admittedly, one of those loanees – Gomes – was part of the dross wot went before, but still.)

*I hope I’m wrong.

Two nil up after 16 minutes. Since when has that happened? Someone must know / can be ar5ed to do the leg work. Not this season, that’s for sure. And, unbelievably, I was in to see the opener on 7, as Shirley curled a delicious ball into the box for Mads to head across the keeper into the corner. I partly say ‘unbelievably’ cos I’d not simply forgotten my season ticket…I’ve lost it completely. So there was 15 minutes in the box office sorting that out. (Note to self: if you ‘forget’ your ST, they’ll replace the match ticket free of charge; replace a ST and they’ll charge you a fiver; simply ‘forget’ your ST on a match-by-match basis!)

After 16 minutes, Shirley sidesteps a defender and pokes it home from 16 yards. Yes, POKES it home. It dribbles past a wrong-footed keeper who looked as stunned as we did. Christ, we were good that first half. Styles in particular took them apart. We also did this thing where we pressed high up the pitch. You know, like we did last season (when we came 5th). At 3-1 up, and the team naturally dropping deep to defend, there was one instance where Boro had the ball in defence and Asbaghi IMPLORED Styles to push up and press. It’s only taken 33 games. Mention should also be given to Morris, who Boro manager Wilder claimed single-handedly took on and beat their back 3. That was good of him (Wilder, I mean).

Then came the moment, 9 minutes into the second half. THE finest moment of the season, and one I have recollected 50 times this weekend and which I intend to think about over and over again as I go to sleep tonight. There’s a throughball from Morris…the Boro centre half fails to deal with it and Shirley is through. Only he doesn’t have the legs for it and the centre half gets back…he’s got his arms all over Shirley…Shirley is beginning to tumble….only he’s still got the ball under control and he scuffs it deliciously between the onrushing keeper's legs. The ball trickles towards goal…but there’s no doubt….it’s going in…it’s going in….and there’s NOTHING the Boro defence can do about it. It’ll probably cross the line round about April. YOU F***ING REDS!

Of course, no-one likes a drubbing, and the ref comes to the Smoggies’ aid as he gives a soft, soft penalty. I’ve seen it on telly and there doesn’t look anything to argue about, but seen from the vantage point of the East Stand, their bloke knocks the ball past Vita and deliberately runs into him and throws himself to the floor. Vita isn’t even making a challenge. The penalty is stroked home and there follows 15 minutes of the ref giving Boro absolutely EVERYTHING. Two players go shoulder to shoulder. Free kick to Boro (on the apex of our box). Styles is cleaned out on the halfway line. No foul. Collins takes too long on a goal kick. Booking. (OK, I’ll give him that one; it’s about time refs called keepers out for time wasting. I wish we had this ref for the Swansea play-off game at Oakwell! Yes, I AM still bitter.)

Anyway, we survive. Boro hit posts (plural), have a goal disallowed for offside (I couldn’t tell) and have complete control of the ball. Every time we clear, it comes straight back….but the defence are resolute and Collins isn’t especially called upon to make anything other than a bread and butter save. Even the long ranger he had to react to late, I’d expect him to save. And he did. Then, in the last minute of injury time, a peach of a low cross results in sub Kitching putting through his own goal, but the lack of response from the Boro fans (‘has it been disallowed???’) said it all. Time had run out, the ship had sailed, the overweight female had sung, etc etc. ‘We are staying up, we are staying up.’ Now, now, lads…let’s not get ahead of ourselves. God doesn’t actually exist.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Shirley. The Phil Foden of our team, the false 9, the touch of class…the finishing, the awareness. If it was November, I’d want him for Xmas.
**Styles. Was he also false 9? All over the place 1st half as he rampaged in their third. Welcome back, Harry!
* Mads. As well as scoring, he won EVERYTHING. Harshly ignored in the clamour for The Wolfe.

Official MOTM: Matty Wolfe (see despatches).

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Shirley (Bassi) 2. Wolfe 3. Styles

Despatches:
Did anyone know this game was all-ticket? Well, it was. One (dis)advantage of being in the box office pre-match was seeing the number of fans being turned away. Apparently, cos Boro had sold their allocation, it was made all-ticket. Fair enough, some might say. Nobody wants Smoggies in the home end (unless of course they’re paying top dollar - £60? – in the corporate section, as a pile of Boro fans were, ‘enjoying’ the finest seats in the East Stand Upper, arf arf). But ‘normal’ fans? Oh no. A couple had foreign accents. The ‘reason’/excuse why they couldn’t have a ticket was explained, and they staggered out, bamboozled. I hope they weren’t groundhoppers from some far flung nether region. (FYI, this once happened to me at Dynamo Dresden; they’d been naughty boys – again – and capacity was reduced to 10,000 and the terraces closed. But the ticket office woman sold me a ticket cos she didn’t think I was a threat*.) Let’s imagine we have enough stewards (I know that’s an issue) I’d happily sell the away side half the West Stand. I don’t care if we give our opponents 7,000 tickets, it’s more money in the Oakwell coffers…and lessens the chance of our owners stealing more of my money

*I later threw a smokebomb at the away dugout and lamped a TSV Munich 1860 fan. Not really.

Our players were MAGNIFICENT today. Vita gets better and better. He’s like that little dog who WON’T BLOODY LEAVE YOU ALONE. In fact, I’m sure he’d shag your leg if you stood still long enough. Why’s it taken till February to pick him? Quina continues to bring the ball out without looking like a rabbit in car headlights. Get him on the coaching staff and teach our actual players how to do this, please. I wonder how many games neither Benson OR Palmer have made it onto the pitch this season. What a difference that makes. As does Matty Wolfe holding fort in front of the defence. Why’s it taken till February to get him in the team, etc? And as it’s ‘despatches’….what about that covering block from Jordan Williams halfway through the first half. Like most opposition attacks this season, it came from a misplaced pass in midfield, one knock forward and they’re clean through. But Jordan’s pace, and willingness to chase, saved us. Going back to Quina though…he was knackered with 20 mins left. Unfortunately we’d ran out of subs, and I counted 3 times where he didn’t have the strength to kick the ball far enough….wasting 2 crosses when we outnumbered defenders on the break, and a ‘clearance’ which didn’t go 20 yards. We coulda been cruising at 4 or 5 -1. Luckily (that word again) it didn’t come to that. We held out. We are ‘by far the greatest team the world has ever seen’ and the celebrations at the end said it all.

Drink du jour: Pilot (blond session IPA). Beautiful.

Away: 4,740 (sellout). Took them 39 minutes for a round of ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home.’ Very disappointing.

Number of league games since a player owned by Barnsley scored 2 goals in a match (for Barnsley, George Miller at Walsall doesn’t count): 58. Would anyone like to guess who it was? (Clue: he's still with us.)

The Damage:
c. £35 petrol
£3 programme
£5 Season ticket replacement
= c. £43

The Tunes:
BBC 5Live (inc. listening to England v Wales at rugby on way home. ‘Is rugby better on the radio or the telly?’ asks my sports mad partner. ‘Radio. It only dulls one of my senses.’)

South Shields 3-1 Matlock Town, Tuesday 22nd February 2022

South Shields 3-1 Matlock Town, Northern Premier League, Mariners Park, att. 2,639

Midweek and a trip to Mariners Park to see the latest instalment of the ‘Super Kev’ revolution, Sunderland legend Kevin Phillips having recently been installed as manager at this ambitious 7th tier club. Last time I was at Shields, a few weeks prior, they slipped up. Defeat to bottom half Hyde United and the opening of the new stand tainted with the exits blocking the view of the pitch. I’d imagined it’d be sorted with a bit of Perspex. No, instead it’s a thick metal grill on each staircase exit, almost as bad as the original. I’ll not be employing these stand designers anytime soon...

Having said that, it’s a magnificent view from the new stand – just don’t tell those who chose to stand, as average crowds of 2,000 are twice the stand’s capacity. Tonight, a top of the table clash (actually, 2nd v 3rd, though the winners go top) with Matlock Town has an attendance of 2,639, helped in part by a decent number from Derbyshire. Indeed, it’s over 500 more than Colchester United get tonight for a game 3 divisions higher. This is a club on the up…if only they can get the promotion the owner’s investment craves.

I’ve not long to wait for a goal, either. I’ve just taken a position at the front of the factory end, when a flick on is buried into the far corner by Jonathan Hooper. Surely something straight from the Niall Quinn / Kevin Phillips repertoire. Shows how long it’d taken me to get parked in the industrial estate too – it was 9 minutes in. A minute of this was stood in the queue though, marvelling at the gullibility of the local yoof. ‘£3, plus 20 quid for the bike.’ ’20 quid…for the bike…’ said the youngster, mouth agog. ‘No, just three quid, you can put yer bike over there.’ Well, it amused me, as well as the oldsters collecting the money.

Minutes later it was 2-0, as a quick 1-2 sees Sam Hodgson through for two nil. Shields are looking slick, fast and far too good for a limited Matlock side whose only tactic appears to be to hoof the ball long. Howthehell are they up amongst the leaders? I have 3 minutes to muse on this before they pull one back, out of nothing. Ah, that’s how.

Half-time comes and I land in the clubhouse for a beer. Quite the selection too, with most bases covered, from Guinness, to Fosters, from Strongbow Dark, to Laganitas. I choose the latter and head out to the new stand. I demand a superior view for my second half. This I do, but it’s relatively low key, as a header from a corner after 62 minutes completes a comfortable win, 3-1. Shields go marching on under ‘Super Kev’ and, after an inconsistent season, find themselves top. Will it last? Only the champions go up by right and the owner demands nothing less than promotion.

The Damage:
£10 ent
£2 programme
£4.10 Laganitas Daytime session IPA
= £16.10

The Tunes:
Wise Up Suckers! (Pop Will Eat Itself)
Radio Newcastle (commentary on Sunderland’s latest debacle at home to Burton Albion, an injury time equaliser after the game is held up for an hour due to a medical emergency in the crowd)

Gateshead 2-1 Spennymoor Town, Saturday 19th February 2022

Gateshead 2-1 Spennymoor, National League North, Gateshead International Stadium, att. c.800

Back on my tour of north-east non league grounds and today I’ve eschewed a visit to the Ford Quarry hub for the groundshare derby between Washington and Sunderland West End, for a 1st ever visit to the International Athletics Stadium (IAS), Gateshead. ‘The Heed’ have a derby of sorts themselves, against Spennymoor Town, less than 20 miles down the A1. Easy journey, and easy parking, as an artificial (American) football pitch at the north end of the ground was utilised as an extra car park. Free, too.

I also brought my prejudices with me. I detest having to view football over an athletics track, but this was no ‘London Stadium’. The rake of the seats in the Tyne and Wear Stand was such that, from the back at least, I had a perfectly good view across the pitch. Indeed, as I stood in the north car park, part of the reason for choosing to go in the (home) T&W Stand was because it looked like it had a steeper rake than the (away) East Stand. The former had a roof too, not essential given it was a bright, sunny day, but you never know. This IS the north-east. But why does the East Stand have a frame and no roof? At least it looks pretty…

I also imagined a poor atmosphere, but, actually, a large group of home fans made plenty of noise throughout. Not sure about their efforts to goad the 120 or so from Spenny across the pitch though. ‘You’re just a small town in Durham’ is technically correct if we presume Durham is a COUNTY as well as a city. (And in the days before the formation of the artificial entity that is ‘Tyne and Wear’, it’s also the county Gateshead stands in.)

I also missed out on a programme. I saw plenty of folk carrying one, but never saw any on sale. I suspect they were to be had from the counter marked ‘Gateshead Football Club Official Merchandise’ at the top of the stairs. A couple of folk had some empty plastic tubs and were sporting fistfuls of notes. Actual ‘Gateshead Football Club Official Merchandise’ on sale? None, though I could get a pint of ‘larger’ at ‘Clarky’s Café’. I guess that’s a bigger pint.

I dunno if segregation is a thing at the IAS normally either, or whether it was because the game was local…ish (less than 20 miles apart). Gateshead entertained Charlton the other month in the FA Cup with similar segregation. (I’d have gone to that game, had I not learnt on the day that tickets were advanced sales only…despite the attendance being less than half capacity. Note to football clubs: it’s difficult being able to make a decision in advance when you’re a carer and have other people to rely on you.) Anyway, there was no chance of trouble today, neither side caring about t’other.

It was an excellent game. Gateshead, top of the league and looking to return to the National League were ran ragged by a midtable Spenny side who still hadn’t returned to their early season form despite replacing the management team. However, the match was characterised by profligate finishing from the away side. Chances went begging, Spenny only having an early penalty to show for 5 or 6 great chances, while The Heed scored two from their one chance. The winner, a cut inside and 20 yarder into the far corner was fitting to win any match. Spenny still managed to squander a late chance, sub Oyibo (‘Look! It’s Allan Saint Maximum!’) running clean through, the keeper saving his scuffed shot before the rebound was neatly dinked over him….and wide. It was that sort of day for Spenny.

The Damage:
£15 ent= £15

The Tunes:
Time High Fiction (Richard H. Kirk)
Hippopotamus (Sparks)