As Andy said, nevermind ‘winning away’, it should be ‘winning at all.’ By some margin, Rotherham United are quite the worst side I have seen this season in division 3. (And, yes, I’ve seen us.) So, if I accidentally say something positive over the next half a dozen paragraphs – and the rest – keep this caveat in mind. Rovrum are really, really, really, REALLY terrible. No, really.
That we matched them for the opening half an hour didn’t bode well. ‘2 key players’ (Yorkshire Post) were missing. McG (slight injury) and Luca (new dad) were out. As for describing Luca as ‘key’ I can now understand why, till Satdy, we still had a relegation cloud above us. Back for his first game in ages was Earl, at left back to boot. Now, I’ll be honest, the only time I’ve vaguely missed him was in watching Jack Shepherd chip a diagonal last week. The one thing Earl consistently manages is driving a ball across field at pace. It’s just the rest of his game that normally lacks. (Note: not today.)
Into the captain’s shoes stepped A. Phillips, and after 37 minutes of complete dross (the match, not him, although...) he opened the scoring, as we broke 3 on 1. (3 on 1? How BAD are they?) Still, the pass from Kelly couldn’t be quite taken in his stride, he checked, and then unleashed one into the far corner from 20 yards. HE’S BACK! 1 nil HT and mutiny in the stands checked.
Yes, we were maybe 20 minutes in before that chant about the board not caring came about us, but the fans pulled their act together…and back we went to the repertoire of former Reds’ legends (and Bambo Diaby). Maybe the obsession with Diaby is that he’s the one ex-player who’d fit nicely into this team?
2nd half, Rovrum just...fell to pieces. If anyone wants an insight, listen to manager Lee Clark’s damning appraisal on local radio. Players not fit enough, easily broken. Josh Benson, come on down! The Glassman, AKA Bensons for Beds, lasted 67 minutes on Satdy, or about a season’s worth for us. I wonder what the most consecutive number of starts he had for us was in his 3 years? I suspect it was Hourihane giving him 3 runouts at right back at the tail-end of last season. (Can someone check; like Benson, I can’t be bothered.)
Anyway, here’s a paragraph I’ve never written before: Bland squares it to O’Keeffe (no, not that bit) and runs ahead of him down the line. O’Keeffe passes the ball down the line, Bland jogs on to it, then crosses head height for Bradshaw to head home. No Rovrum midfielder bothered to track Bland (surprise?) and when was the last time you saw Bradshaw get IN FRONT of a defender. These are pitiful.
Thereafter, we just picked them off as you like. It’s Phillips’ turn to step forward and intercept the ball, before striding forward and playing it to Bradshaw, who’s not quite clean through but he is once the defender commits himself. Is Jack Shepherd playing for them? A cool finish, never in doubt. At this point, if Rovrum have a shape, it’s called ‘all over the place.’ Nil 3 and now the most bizarre of crows from the away fans: ‘We’re off to Wednesday, you’re off to York’, on repeat. EH? Who in their right minds would rather visit the northern ‘burbs of Sheffield than YORK? Oh, it’s a dig at their impending relegation? Well, at least make it an Oldham, or a Barrow, or a Newport. I’d LOVE to see the Super Reds play a competitive game at York! (Friendlies don’t count.) And Barrow, and Newport, come to think. And Oldham’s about 20 minutes from my house. Dammit, can’t WE get relegated?
We are also heading for our first clean sheet in 26 games. There is simply NO WAY Rotherham United will score a goal. They’ve already been goalless in their last 4 games, including losing at bottom team Port Vale in midweek. So we aren’t going to concede, are we? On 78, Coach Conor takes off Earl. Understandable, 1st game back, etc. On comes Jack Shepherd. I (almost) get it. Chuck on the clown, let him at least get to feel what it’s like to keep a clean sheet, even if he only gets a dozen minutes. It IS enough.
On 89, Roberts comes on for Kelly, and if you look carefully enough, it’s his pathetic clearance which leads to the inevitable. Back the ball comes in, a harmless enough lob which the forward is getting nowhere near. However, he IS near O’Connell and Shepherd and somehow he goes down. A ‘pity penalty’ of the highest order, but a penalty nonetheless. We break our record. That’s now 26 league games without a clean sheet. Conor’s response at the failure? ‘Couldn’t give a toss.’ Victory is everything, defence is nothing.
Rovrum – you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Onwards and upwards!
*** Earl. Never out a foot wrong on his return. At left back, too.
** O’Connell. Composed in defence and incredible clearance off the line at 0-0.
* Phillips. Broke the deadlock, set up another, led by example. Captain Marvel!
Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Bradshaw 2. Phillips 3. Earl
Despatches:
I like dealing in facts, so drink this in. Did you know in Bland’s first SEVEN forwards kicks of the match, he gave the ball away? (Caveat: a 2 yard header managed to go to a teammate). His 8th forward pass was in 1st half injury time. And if you don’t believe me, ask my co-commentator, A. Reed. Added to a square ball that went out for throw-in and he must’ve been responsible for half our lack of ball retention. Thankfully, his tackling was on point, and he improved second half. (I wasn’t counting second half; it can be very boring watching Bland play.)
Bradshaw was another. I remember when I was in my early 20s, playing 5 aside. I was always slightly jealous of one of the lads. He’d obviously not played as much football as the rest of us and couldn’t control it. Balls would cannon repeatedly off his shins. I’d never tackle him, just stand back and let it ricochet to me. But his best days were AHEAD of him, as he could improve. Tom Bradshaw is that player. (Minus the improvement bit. Like Roberts, he’s past being able to learn how to trap a ball.) Everything that went to him cannoned off his shins. It was like watching an amateur footballer amongst the elite (Rovrum!). He was driving Reedy mad…and then he scored. And then he scored again. And he’d have had another inbetween, a tap-in, had O’Keeffe squared it instead of shooting. Conversation amongst the (former) Londontykes had now moved on from how awful Bradshaw had played, to ‘he can’t take him off.’ No no no no no no. The poor bloke will NEVER have an opportunity to score another professional hattrick in his life. So Coach Conor took him off on 89, when we looked like we’d score with every attack.
Otherwise, Goodman was excellent in goal. Saved everything, and he’d obviously got the note, cos he was coming off his line and claiming EVERYTHING. MdG was O’Connell’s able foil. O’Keeffe had zero defending to do, yet didn’t get forward much, save for his Dire impression in denying Bradshaw with his own greed.
Yoganathan was poor, I thought, but at least he wasn’t Luca Connell (be sure to take your 6 months paternity leave DURING the season, pls) while Kelly wasn’t the difference he usually is, yet still helped break the deadlock with a trademark marauding run. Banks was playing well on the wing, so, personally, I’d had have given Cleary the day off rather than bring him on for 20.
Drink du jour: Erdinger in Beer Haus, Wath-upon-Dearne. Why, hello there. What’s a nice drinking establishment like YOU doing in a place like THIS? The dearth of decent drinking holes in Rovrum Central made us detour slightly, but well worth it.
Away: 2,225 (9,575) It was like Oakwell near the end, as the game was played out to empty home stands.
The Damage:
£30 ent
c.£10 petrol
= c.£42
