BFC 3-1 Charlton Athletic, Saturday 24th September 2022

‘You still look the same!’

Is it just me enjoying the football much more this season? There’s a lot to be said for being relegated. For a start, you don’t even have to play particularly well to win in the Ale House League. Yes, we showed tremendous potential going forward, yes, we scored three cracking goals…but we also conceded numerous half chances and I don’t know how many shots they had from inside our box. I don’t think I’ve seen a side blaze the ball into the stands quite as much as Chorlton, nor seen a side caught offside as much since Barnsley c.1998-2003.

That said, what an adventurous set up. Kane as holding midfielder. Benson for Beds as a #10 (well, he IS #10!). TWO centre forwards (Cole and Norwood). Luke Thomas floating around. I guess you have to expect the opposition to find gaps with this, nevermind a couple of wingbacks pushing up too. Which left some defending for the 3 centre halves, but they stepped up. Another week, we concede 3 or 4, but we found fortune, looked to score….and got men forward, often 4 or 5 in the box at a time.

Our 3 goals are amongst the best I’ve seen by the Reds in the same match. We went ahead early, 10 mins in, when Benson for Beds unleashed an absolute corker into the top corner from 25 yards. From the moment it was hit, it stayed hit, and flew past a bemused keeper. I loved the keeper’s reaction, screaming at his outfield players for….for what? Whothehell expects Benson to score from THERE? The 2nd, a cheeky finish by Norwood after half time, as Cole breaks free in the box on the right and pulls it back for Norwood to flick it behind his left leg with his right foot. Class. Who is this Norwood? Where’s the bloke struggling to get into a game, never having a sniff? Then the 3rd, a sublime throughball from Kane for Jordan Williams to run on to. (About time we used Jordan’s pace.) He beats 2 Chorlton defenders and lays it on a plate for Cole to sidefoot a deserved finish. The Ponty even breaks out into a chant for our new hero.

As ever, it’s very disappointing to win without breaking sweat, so it came as some relief that we finally allowed Chorlton to score. The defence switches off as a backpost knockdown is rammed in. A look at the stats says this is their only effort on target out of 12. I said they were profligate. 6 mins left, plus injury time….can we throw it away? Can we? No.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Benson for Beds. Vision, skill and a great goal.
** Kane. Vision, skill and a great throughball. The new Mowatt. (Kane can’t tackle either and can be left behind by marauding opposition.)
* Cole. Led the line well and bagged another. Bl**dy hell!

Official MOTM: Benson for Beds.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
Blimey, 6 goals in 2 games. 5 games unbeaten (I’m told). 5th in the table (I’m told). Life is a bed of roses once again (thorny? prickly? Who makes up these analogies?). We are WALTZING through this league, like the Harlem Globetrotters, all one touch moves with Benson providing additional tricks and flicks.

I’m also learning some of our players’ names and I have to say I was impressed (1st half) with new guy Edwards at left centre half. He made some great tackles and one block in particular stopped a certain goal. Plus, being from Stoke City, he can throw a ball. Cadden impressed in spurts too, and with 65 minutes completed, I reckon we’ll see a full 90 out of him by March. For all the attacking prowess, Thomas was quiet, but Chorlton kept showing him onto his right foot, which really wasn’t fair. Norwood, like Cadden, still fails to last, but if I had his girth, neither would I. He’s by far our most cunning player, or ‘master of the dark arts’ as Oakwell historian Woody described him. I also liked the look of Larkeche, who came on for Cadden. He of the worldy free kick fame against the Mags under 21s in midweek. Likes to put in a challenge too. What with Kitching as well (suspended) we suddenly look very strong in the left wing back position. Jordan Williams meantime looks as comfortable as ever down the right, despite an early stumble nearly letting Chorlton in (skied into crowd: see earlier). Yes, things are looking up, as long as the opposition fail to take their chances (Cambridge, Chorlton).

For those who remember the old club shop on Grove Street, I also bumped into Roger and Shirley post-match, a sprightly 84 and 77 respectively. In the good old days, if Barnsley’s away opponents didn’t send any programmes, they’d get on the blower to hassle them. That went with them. Like terracing, the old social club and p***ing against the boundary wall behind the Brewery Stand….club shop staff with a personal touch are one of many things I miss these days. (Still, at least we’re back where I started…division 3!)

Drink du jour: Brewdog Planet Pale Ale.

Away: 588. ‘Is this a library?’ No. There’s no books at Oakwell.

Today’s take home: Piece of p*** this league.

The Damage:
c.£32 travel
= £32

The Tunes:
BB6 Music (Huey Morgan / Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show)
Fat of the Land (Prodigy)
Strange Cargo Hinterland (William Orbit)

Cambridge United 0-3 BFC, Saturday 17th September 2022

‘Are you Wednesday in disguise?’

Bloody hell, I’ve seen us win an away game! I can’t remember the last time, but it wasn’t last season. I was lucky to see a home win last season. And against a team who’d won 4/4 this season (so Radio Sheffield tells me, I haven’t checked). And with 10 men and with the keeper carried off. Whatthehell was going on?

I drove down and got parked up for free 25 mins walk from the station. Otherwise, it was £25 for 5 hours parking. I have to say, I’m not surprised. It was a nightmare getting in. Then, a quick check-in at my guesthouse (and you knew it was the cheapest on offer, given I bumped into other Reds fans there) before meeting the others in the pub in the station. Had Erdinger on tap, but everyone else was supping up. Oh well.

Full marks here to Loko. A fabulous pub crawl lay ahead….which finished at the next pub, the Cambridge Blue. Too fabulous to leave, Benediktiner Weiss bier on tap, sunny day, table in the beer garden….burgers in brioche buns (am I the only person to object to this recent trend?)…yes, the others could wait till after the game. As time ticked by, it was the usual schism between those who’d rather walk and those who’d rather Uber. Thus it was that I shared our second minute’s silence of the week outside the Abbey Stadium with Farnham and Reedy, as the stewards wouldn’t let us in till respects were paid. (Cap doffed.)

We headed to the far side, high up. I’m sure Reedy opened his mouth about it being nice if we could be on the back row so we could stand up. Or else he simply intimidated 2 women into moving. Either way, we were sat behind Devante Cole’s mum and other. Fingers crossed he continues his recent improvement! Anyway, duty called, and I apparently missed Cambridge hitting the post. (If I don’t see it, did it really happen?) A nothing sort of game developed somewhere over there (I’d had a bit to drink, and besides, this new stand is built 20 yards from the pitch for some reason). Then we score. A soft through ball appears to bamboozle their defence and Cole is in, nil one. Good finish, low into the corner. What a player! What a legend! He even has a song now, not that I remember the words. His mum is well chuffed.

Second half, the Super Reds Whites are kicking towards our end. What is going on with our shirts today? Our home red and away black obviously clash with their orange (ok, amber)? More nothingness. I can’t decide if we’re playing well or not, but I’m not bothered – we’re winning. Then, with an hour gone, Collins gets himself hurt and play is suspended for 10 mins. I’m guessing he crashed into one of their players, as he leaves covered in blood and a Kiwi 20 year old steps in for his debut (where’s Wally? Sorry, Walton?).

Things get worse a couple of minutes after the restart, as Kitching receives his second innocuous booking of the afternoon. I’ve since seen it on telly and I’m still not convinced it’s a booking, their player falling over him, but hey! Let’s see what we’re made of. (I was actually very confident, which is either a mark of how unbothered I am if we don’t win – I’m used to it - or else the beer consumed). Problies the latter. Benson, Norwood and Cadden come on for Thomas, Aitchison and debutant Edwards…and we STEAMROLLER them. (We’ll ignore their 2 disallowed goals for offside.)

Benson in particular looks in his element, showboating, keeping possession…and crossing for Cundy to make it two. We’ve only got 10 men, yet half of them are in their box. Go Barnsley! Then a hoof forward into space sees Norwood nudge their guy, enough for him to lose balance, before latching onto the ball and rifling it into the net. Finally, I can see what he was bought for. ‘It’s just like watching Brazil’ and ‘We’ve only got 10 men’ ring out from the away end, as well as a bizarre rendition of the national anthem. It’s what Queenie would have wanted.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kane. I’m copying the rest. No-one stood out for me.
** Cole. Another decent game, another goal….and brave of manager Duff to go with TWO up front late on.
* Benson. He just looked a class apart when he came on.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kane 2. Cole 3= Benson/Cundy/Thomas

Despatches:
Top 6! WTF is going on!? We haven’t been great thus far, but we’ve played 3 of the top 4 and none of the bottom 4, yet have more wins than losses. This augurs well for a team without a decent centre forward. Can we get carried away? Of course we can! Just imagine how well we’ll do when we get good?

Ingratiating myself with Devante’s mum (‘so, who’s mum are you?’) I told her it was lovely to meet Andy Cole’s other half. ‘Ex’ she said with a wry smile.

In the pub afterwards, 2 Londontykes (who may or may not be related) decide they’re going to queue up to see the Queen’s box. Whatever my views on whether this was a positive use of anyone’s time, respect due for rocking up at midnite and queuing all night to be ‘part of history’. The state I was in Sunday morning, I think I’d have fallen asleep and frozen to death.

Drink du jour: Benediktiner, some crap pale ale with Citrus in the title, summat else, summat else again.

Away: c.1100.

Today’s take home: Kane, Benson for Beds…..Norwood, Cole…..I feel like we’ve signed 4 new players this past fortnight.

The Damage:
£24 ent
c.£70 travel
£81 hotel
= £175

The Tunes:
BB6 Music (Radcliffe without Maconie / Huey Morgan)
Slowdive (Slowdive)

BFC 1-1 Port Vale, Tuesday 13th September 2022

‘God save our King’

After the sh*tshow of our game being called off last Satdy cos someone had died, our overlords deign Barnsley v Port Vale permission to play their midweek 3rd division clash affecting virtually nobody. As long as there’s a minute’s silence and a rendition of the national anthem. If ever there was a game for a republican atheist to arrive late to, this was it. So, needless to say, there were no traffic problems, no parking problems, no turnstile problems and I was in unusually early. Saw Wadd pre-match, who said Darrell was only coming in once the aforementioned nonsense was over….but it’s easy for him, he lives in view of Oakwell.

Yes, Queenie has died. In a historic match that will live long in the memory of nobody, we play our first game under a new monarch. (Charles wasn’t here, by the way. Least, I don’t think so…) The minute’s silence was impeccably observed, as I sat stirring my cuppa. Then the national anthem, some guff about wanting someone to be our ruler forever. Strangely, I couldn’t see anyone singing it in the East Upper, but it’s true I could only see about 30 people, the rude types in front of me blocking my view. Loko assures me fans were getting right behind the king in the Ponty though, but I s’pose that IS where the serfs sit. (Just teasing.) They’d have been happy with the programme cover though…Reds legend Queen Elizabeth II.

I worried the minute’s silence would turn into 90 (as per…) but actually, there was a bit of noise, helped in part by Vale’s tremendous following of nearly 600. Some home fans had booed the temerity of the Valiants to be chanting pre-match but this bunch have recently put up with 4th division football, nearly getting relegated to non-league, nearly going out of business and last season were 2 divisions behind us. So at least one set of fans was happy enough at Oakwell.

The difference in class looked apparent too, as Benson for Beds stroked the ball around from central midfield, running the show. It took me 10 minutes to realise it was actually Herbie Kane, back from injury! I presumed Josh had let his hair grow and had an identical bald spot to that of Kane. Anyway, Herbie was dropping deep, picking it up, spraying it about. But what I liked best was his awareness of danger…no fannying about when under pressure, clipping the ball into space or even out of touch. But not taking risks. It was like watching a 3rd division right footed version of Alex Mowatt. Inevitably, Kane tired and was taken off after 70 minutes, but I liked what I saw in that first half.

That said, I think we had 2 shots on target prior to scoring. The keeper made a 20 yard bobbler (Connell?) look difficult, turning it round the post, but he was alert to a quick turn and snapshot from Devante Cole. We should make a video of that turn and shot and sell him before anyone realises he’s not a footballer. Cole was excellent throughout. Worked hard, chased back, won flick ons. If only he’d converted the big chance at 1-0, as Kitching (?) played the ball across and it came off his studs for the keeper to make a scrambling save. Big, big, chance…but at least he got it on target, which is more than Thomas did, blazing one over from 6 yards, 1st half, with his right foot. Inevitable.

When we did take the lead, it was from an unlikely source. (I s’pose our centre forward scoring would also constitute ‘an unlikely source’.) Right wingback Jordan Williams crossed for left wingback Kitching to head home on the backpost. I can’t remember a wingback to wingback goal since Neil Thompson crossed low for Nicky Eaden against the Blunts in our promotion season. And whilst I’m not comparing the two sides, in terms of passing and possession, we’re improving. We never looked FASTER than Port Vale, but we always seemed to have a man extra. A pity then that we couldn’t create more in that final third.

With 76 minutes on the clock, we played our cards. Collins was warned by the ref for timewasting. Timewasting! With 15 minutes left, AT HOME to PORT VALE. What message does that send out to the opposition? We’re bricking it and they can throw men forward. By now, with several subs made…us 4, them 5…we were all over the place, so the equaliser came as no surprise. Vale crossed from the right and their ONE player, up against THREE defenders and a goalkeeper, headed in. Was it me said that our defence is our strength? Mads, Jordan and some other centre half whose name I haven’t memorised, nor whose play has impressed me sufficiently was the other one. Cundy? McCarthy? Who know? All these lower division defenders look the same to me. Craig Ireland? Peter Handyside? Tony Vaughan?

Suddenly, we had to try and score again. Only Duff had taken Cole off for Norwood (did he get a kick?) and Thomas, who’d somehow dribbled his way to MOTM. But in injury time, one of the new lads, the #14, cut inside and unleashed a 25 yarder towards the top corner, finely tipped over. I think he’s called Josh Martin and Google tells me he’s 20 and on loan from Norwich. Anyway, I already like the look of him. Vale’s response was to run up the field and hit a 20 odd yarder of their own into the top corner, Collins making a superb save. Most entertaining one minute of the season.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kitching. Duff obvs sees something in Kitching and his marauding runs, moving him to left wing back. Won tackles, got forward well, delivered crosses…and scored!
** Cole. Best game I’ve seen from him in a Reds shirt.
* Kane. Tailed off after HT but a promising return for Benson for Beds Mark I.

Official MOTM: Thomas. A couple of great dribbles ending in nothing, as well as a couple of shots screwed into the crowd. He's only young.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kitching 2. Cole 3. Thomas

Despatches:
Although two points dropped, I’d say a fair result. Port Vale missed some good chances too. The ref came in for the usual ire, but my only beef was a couple of goalkicks which should have been corners to us. He was spot on for the yellow cards….one for a sub obstructing their throw-in, a couple for dirty (sorry, professional) fouls preventing breaks…and Kitching for kicking the ball away. ‘But what about them, ref?’ cried one fan. Well, the one break they prevented with a foul was on the edge of our own box. Otherwise, they hadn’t done anything worthy of a yellow. We also had a first half penalty appeal, as the ball appeared to hit the player’s hand (outside the box) before bouncing and possibly hitting his hand again INSIDE the box. I’d have to see that one again, but until we reach the Prem (!), the ref isn’t going to have that luxury

Drink du jour: Nothing. Mark of respect, etc. (Didn’t have time.)

Away: 597. Great turnout midweek from those Vale folk!

Today’s take home: The players are becoming more comfortable in possession.

The Damage:
c.£34 travel
= £34

The Tunes:
BBC Radio 1 Essential Mix, 1998 (Carl Cox)
BB6 Music (Steve Lamacq / Gideon Coe)

Stirling Albion 1-1 Albion Rovers, Saturday 3rd September 2022

Stirling Albion 1-1 Albion Rovers, Scottish League 2, Forthbank Stadium, att. 307 (c. 20 away)

A fortnight’s tour of Scotland with the better half ends in Stirling, covered in midgey bites. (I know I’ve got a hot groin, but why did these pests have to go up my shorts when there’s plenty of bare leg action?) Stirling, dominated by its castle, and with the battlefield of Bannockburn in its suburbs, forms a fitting ending to the holiday. Stirling Albion, possibly less so, but I enjoyed it way more than I expected.

I knew they had a modern ground, presumably somewhere on the edge of town (it was). I also thought it only had one stand…I dunno where I got that from….but it turned out there were 2 stands, the East and West, smart cantilevers taking up about 2/3 of each touchline and holding around 2,500 in total. There was also a small open terrace behind each goal, so a pity these were closed (along with the East Stand). I suppose a crowd of 307 barely warranted it, but still…

There was one turnstile open for both sets of fans. Away fans were encouraged to ‘sit at the far end’ and there were a few with their Melchester Rovers-esque scarves. I’d done a lap of the Stirling Sports complex and saw the end of a women’s hockey match. ‘3 cheers for (the opposition)!’ Took me back to my school days, a quaint custom which somehow made a bad-tempered game alright. Adjacent is also a leisure centre, 5aside pitches and do I remember a cricket pitch as well? I’ve been surprised by how many cricket pitches there are in Scotland. I never thought it was their game.

Having parted with £15 (a bit steep for 4th tier part time action, I thought) I entered the West Stand. Programmes were only on sale inside, and a small club shop offered the latest kit and a few other odds and sods. My eyes were drawn to some old programmes, highlighting their old ground’s name…’Annfield’. Of course! I remember that factoid. (They left in 1993.) A greater choice was had in the refreshment stand, as a wide variety of pies were to be had. I stuck to the Scotch. When in Scotchland, etc. And they ARE exceedingly nice. (Why don’t we have them in England?)

I took up a position as near to the halfway line as possible, as high up in the stand as possible. It seemed quite a few season ticket holders (their seats charmingly emblazoned) were missing. Holiday, probably. The sun was out and the pitch looked IMMACULATE. I was expecting one of those plastic things which proliferate up here, but no. Good call. It looked like a bowling green (but without the camber).

The players weren’t quite up to the same standard, despite some neat touches in midfield. Half-time drew, as did the teams; goalless and not looking promising. All was to change a mere 3 mins into the 2nd half, as Banner powered home a header from a corner for The Binos* (Stirling). This roused the crowd a bit and the Stirling ultras (a dozen or so kids at the far end with a drum) even chanted once or twice. Expectant that this was only the start, Albion allowed Albion to score, as a backpass was threaded first time past the keeper. ‘Thanks very much Stirling’ shouted an away fan, to my, if nobody else’s, amusement. Nobody else troubled the scoreline and I don’t remember anyone threatening to either. I was left with a 20 minute walk back to town past half a mile of blackberry brambles. They were delicious.

*I am relying on Google for this. I have no idea what a ‘Bino’ is. Is it short for ‘albino’? Or a misprint for ‘biro’? I know what a biro is…

The Damage:
£15 ent
£2 programme
£2.20 Scotch pie
= £19.20

The Tunes:
Slowdive (Slowdive)