BFC 2-1 Rotherham United, Tuesday 26th August 2025

‘No Budweiser? You can’t be telling me that!’

Who’s our coach these days? Neill Collins? Darrell Clarke? Keith Hill (cheers for that one, Farnham)? We were 1 nil down and for the last 20 minutes of the half we watched as the Super Reds passed it sideways, sideways, backwards, square, slightly forwards, sideways, sideways…ad infinitum. At one point we DEFINITELY mustered over 30 passes without losing possession, which, back in the 70s, was unheard of. However, this is the era of Pepball and Rovrum weren’t pressing, and we weren’t taking risks. Anyone would think WE were winning and were just running the clock down. Then we’d kick it forward and lose it. Oh, THAT’S why we’re kicking it safely square. Still, it never ended up back at the keeper. (I continue to be all about the positives.)

It was an awful half of football from us. We shoulda been 2 down before they scored. Cooper made 2 one-on-one saves, while Barrett (one of this week’s centre half partnership – who did YOU get in the sweep?) cleared one off the line while his mate Shepherd blocked another certain goal on the 6 yard line. We were struggling. 7 changes probably didn’t help; only Coops, Shepherd, Vickers and DKD surviving the cull. Thankfully, cometh the half-time, cometh the men: Phillips and Ogbeta sent on to relieve a poor Yoganathan and Cleary. Dynamic management indeed.

Sadly, this is where I must interrupt the report. Towards the end of half-time I snuck off to the toilet when some small child dropped a SCALDING drink on my foot. Honestly, time stood still, as it was a full second later before the pain exploded. ‘YOU LITTLE FUCKING PR*CK’ I screamed before departing for the bog, before me and his mam got into a row. For those who saw that occasion I lost my temper on the train to Walsall when coffee was spilt on me, you’ll have realised my Kryptonite. I have since ALMOST calmed down. I’ve dropped a drink or 2 in my time, and chances are the kid dropped it cos it was TOO F***ING HOT.

Anyway, once I’d relieved myself, I took off my shoe and sock. Should I stand in the Ponty End toilets and run my foot under the tap, or would that look a bit weird? The pain had subsided somewhat, so I elected to man up and get back out there. The Super Reds needed me. I lasted 10 minutes, none of which I can remember for the match. Hanging with former nurse and St. Johns ambulanceman Wadd, he advised I go to 1st aid. My foot was killing me. To cut a boring story short, I limped to the 1st aid post (halfway, under the East Stand) where I was looked after for 20 minutes. Allegedly, we scored 2.

I came back out to a hero’s welcome no response whatsoever, though I did get a text from Nozzer asking how I was, cos he’d seen me limping along the front of the East Stand. And then I watched the last 10 minutes where their keeper was in our box a lot more than our centre forward was in theirs (true).

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cooper. 2 crucial early saves kept us in it.
** Barrett. Cleared off the line.
* Shepherd. Great block.

Official MOTM: No idea. Anybody? (It was Vickers.)

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Cooper / Phillips 3. Vickers

Despatches:
Guess what is possibly the greatest cause of injury at Oakwell (beyond Barnsley FC boring fans to death)? Yes, that’s right. Hot drinks. On my return into the Ponty from the toilets, a steward nearly caused me to explode again, as she warned me to be careful ‘cos someone’s spilt a drink’, pointing at the liquid spread across the concrete. In no uncertain terms I explained to her that I KNEW a drink had been spilt there because…etc. More profanities may have gone her way too. I apologise.

Oh, we did create a chance. A chip forward gave Russell a free header. Sadly, it was at the far end, and for reasons I’ve yet to fathom, the Waddingtons and Molls of this world prefer to sit in the Ponty, low enough that you’ve got little idea what goes on in the other box. I’m told it was an awful miss by those cunning enough to stay at home. I thought it was curling a bit left, and Russell was coming in from the right, so to direct it on target would have defied the laws of physics. But, as I said, it was a crap view.

Drink du jour: Leffe at Bramahs, with the Galvins. Thousands of ‘em! (Hi Josie!)

Away: 871 (5,803)

The Damage:
£16 ent
c.£8 petrol
= c.£24

Rotherham United 0-1 BFC, Saturday 22nd February 2025

‘Stevie Evans, your tits are offside.’

Since the advent of the play-offs, I’ve never seen an end of season game in February before – till now. ‘El Shitico’ I saw it dubbed on social media and no wonder. With both sides having zero chance of the play-offs, and only a mathematician’s hope of relegation, this was the proverbial ‘nothing to play for’. OK, aside from some sense of local pride (personally, I don’t know any Rovrum fans….does anybody?) and maintaining our incredible run against the Millers: unbeaten since 82/83 (1-0 at Millmoor). I didn’t know this, I just heard someone mention it at the game. Now, IF ONLY I knew a Rovrum fan, so I can have someone’s snout to rub this fact into. But I don’t. No-one does. 6 wins in a row now, and 10 wins and 3 draws since that defeat. Can we play you every week / month / season?

It was also our 5000th match (cheers, Oakwell historian) and, thanks to the Northampton game getting called off the other week, we have avoided the embarrassment of our club trying to celebrate this achievement at Oakwell. Instead, we’re punting aimless balls up top at the New York Stadium and relying on the Millers’ mediocrity to keep the score level. It really was a hard watch. (Pity the poor neutral.) Some bloke called Malik Wilks (angry emoji!) showed flashes, in particular outmuscling and outskilling 3 (THREE!) Reds’ players down our right flank, before doing what he does best...nothing.

Roberts was immense in our defence (there’s not enough left in the season for me to eat my words about him) but there’s 2 key moments in a goalless opening half. Firstly, Phillips is about to pull the trigger...8 yards out?...and falls over while the ball dribbles wide. It’s at the far end, but debate ensues. Surely he’s been fouled? He can’t miss from there! (Oh, he can.) Having seen replays, I’m in a minority of two. (My friend Diane also doesn’t think it’s a pen.) I don’t think there’s enough in it. There may have been contact, but I guess another thought for the ref is that if he gives it, he’s giving their player a red card. And, believe me, refs don’t want the hassle. Otherwise, Jordan Hugill misses an open goal at the back post. Didn’t he once go for 10 mill? My God.

Coach Clarke works his magic at half-time (scores at half-time this season would have us 2nd) and Rovrum are all over us. Is it the usual ‘wait till they score before doing owt’? No, our cunning tactic of hoofing it to their defenders WORKS, as the header back is too short and DKD nips in front of the keeper and takes the hit. Penalty! Phillips coolly sweeps home in front of a packed away end.

The tactic continues. We hit balls to their defenders in the hope they’ll make a mistake. Ask Andy! I’m convinced it was on purpose, cos these ‘balls into space’ hadn’t a hope of being collected by a Red. None of our forward players are fast enough to latch onto a ball. (Another phrase disappearing under Clarke, a forward player ‘latching onto’ something. The closest our players come to latching onto something is changing the lock on their backdoor.) And the worst thing was...it sort of worked. The Millers were hapless. One even decided to play basketball in his own area, but the officials were too gobsmacked to award the penalty. Anyway, Law 17, subsection 4: thou shalt not award Barnsley FC 2 penalties in the same game, it doesn’t matter WHAT the opposition do. Which is fair enough, as long as it’s in the rules. (We should be grateful we got one at all, one being our seasonal average in recent years.)

After the hour, Humphreys was put out of his centre forward misery, to be replaced (in centre forward purgatory) by the new Frenchman. If that latter bloke is a centre forward, I’m a Chinaman. (Nozzer says he isn’t, and we’re playing a wide player up top. Is that right? Say it ain’t so!) Anyway, he is absolutely WOEFUL. There it is. I’ve given him 2 halves and another half an hour, but the decision is in. Get shut. He can’t hold a ball up and will never score a goal. Not if yesterday is anything to go by. He had an early chance to shoot from 20 yards, I think he dummied it 2, 3 times...before squaring it pointlessly before the ball was played back to Connell to clear the bar from 10 yards further back than where Rodrigues had it. Utter, utter, sh*te. ‘He’s just won a header’ said Reedy, offering some consolation. Listen, heading a ball isn’t ‘winning a header’ as much as kicking a ball isn’t ‘winning the ball’. Heading it, unchallenged, back into the no-man’s land of the halfway line...and that was as good as it got. Who scouts these players? How’ve we ended up in a situation like THIS?

At some point Gauci gets hurt. He tries to play on, but collapses with 15 (plus injury time) left. Thank goodness we shipped in this Villa loanee for Kilip. Can we get the latter back on loan? Wouldn’t THAT be hilarious? Instead, the bloke we paid £200k for and wasn’t considered better than Slonina, Kilip and Gauci comes on. Who scouts these players? As it is, Jordan Smith has ONE thing to do, catch a soft header in a scramble. Rovrum are THAT poor.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Roberts. Headed, cleared, intercepted, brought the ball out (ok, the latter bit wasn’t done so well).
** Russell. So confident on the ball at the moment.
* DKD. His movement and runs caused panic.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Roberts 2. DKD 3. Russell

Despatches:
Good job we won, cos the fans were in a right abusive mood. Either ‘Rovrum’s a sh*thole’ (standard), Stevie Evans is a ‘fat Scottish ba*tard’ (he’s probably heard worse, and that’s just from his own fans) or we’re picking up on Rotherham’s recent history of child abuse. ‘You’re just a town full of groomers’ (very good, not heard ‘groomers’ in a chant before) later changed (developed?) to ‘you’re just a town full of nonces’. Ah, brought back the good old days...child abuse in Middlesbrough and a ground full of Sunderland fans chanting ‘what’s it like to f*** your kids?’ at the away end. Anyway, good job we were AWAY, cos that PA system warning our fans about naughty chanting being against the rules would’ve exploded. And that’s without mentioning the obligatory ‘sack the board’ (which I could hear from outside the ground before I’d even got in) and another chant the cognoscenti have edited from the one calling our female minority owner a slag. So progress, then.

I’m also warming to these half twelve kick-offs. Least, I was this week – I got back to Slaithwaite in time for the Moonraking Festival, where we eat, drink and be merry at our smuggler forebears’ ability to fox the local militia by claiming to be raking the moon, as they attempted to retrieve some contraband from the canal. Hundreds of people carrying lanterns on a circular walk of the village in amongst bands and other entertainment. Anyway, thanks EFL/Sky. You done good.

Drink du jour: None. Drove there. Saw match. Got out. It was for the best.

Away: 2,207 (sellout). Though I’m intrigued...other away figures at the New York this season include Wrexham (2,356), Bolton (2,166), Huddersfield (2,170) and Brum (2,168) and I bet they were all sellouts too. So if ST holders are counted, even if they don’t show up, what about away fans at Rovrum? Or do allocations slightly change depending on how much segregation the police insist on? I’ve no point to make, just wondering. (It was the same at Oakwell in our Prem season, as crowd figures slightly changed for each game despite – from memory – every game being a sellout apart from Wimbledon and Chelski (Mickey Mouse clubs).

The Damage:
c.£10 petrol
£27 ent
£3 prog
= c.£40

Rotherham United 0-1 BFC, Saturday 28th January 2017

‘Is there a fire drill?’

Carrie Fisher, R.I.P.  (Artwork in Peckham)

For some reason I didn’t feel as elated as usual after yesterday’s game. Was it victory fatigue?  Am I tired of seeing us win?  Was it the losing of 2 key players this week?  Was it the general awfulness of the match?  I dunno. Maybe it was just that I’ve had a sore throat all week and decided not to join in any chants, though the atmosphere was strangely muted for the most part anyway.

Welcome to ....

Actually, maybe it was having to visit two Argoses (Argo?  Argi?) in one day, in the hunt for cheap headphones.  Still, gave me an excuse to see Rotherham City Centre for the first time.  Not as bad as I expected, and certainly a bigger choice of headphones than Walworth Road Argos.  Henceforward, I returned to a limited (in number) Londontykes crew in the Bridge Inn.  Cracking boozer for pre-match football, full of Reds fans and covered in obscure scarves.  Apparently ‘well rough’ any other time (Barnsley’s premier ale salesman).

The Bridge: home of some very interesting scarves.

Still, a pleasant enough walk from there along the river (or is it a canal?) to the New York Stadium, home of the Merry Millers.  And for a new stadium, I think it’s great.  Although we were towards one corner, the steepness of the tier ensures a great view, which was almost a shame considering the fayre on offer yesterday.

If you squint, you'll see the Millmoor floodlights in the distance.  Or not.

The teams come out and we have a new HUGE BLOKE in midfield, Leicester’s (Matty?) James.  He is MASSIVE.  Thus, he’s not the quickest, nor did he look especially impressive on the ball, but he won tackles and headers. In fact, there were so many games of head tennis it was a novelty to see the ball on the floor.  But there were misplaced passes here, there and everywhere.  Of course, we shouldn’t have expected anything less, having lost Hourihane and Bree.  A team can’t gel just like that.  It’s just a good job we were playing Rovrum, without doubt the worst team in this division. 

The teams come out.  Love the roof.

Rovrum it was who threatened early tho, a break ending in a decent chance blocked. ‘HANDBALL!’ their fans cried.  But Mike Dean isn’t here this week.  And decisions generally go towards the bigger club and, for one week only, WE are that bigger club.  Not that I thought it was a penalty anyway.

Otherwise, we miss THE golden opportunity of the half; Armstrong is played through from the right, timing his run in from the left to perfection; all he has to do is get it on target, the keeper is in no-man’s land.  It clears the keeper and clips the bar.  On the train, I lost the chance of making a fiver, as Andy is convinced it was Bradshaw.  After my Roberts/McDonald debacle the other week, I’m no longer sure who our players are and I miss my chance.

The Barnsley hordes.

If I thought the 1^st half was poor, the second half was worse.  Barely a pass put together, and Armstrong was as surprised as anyone when it broke to him in the box, on his favoured left foot….only for him to strike the side-netting.  Someone put him out of his misery.  Luckily, Hecky knows better and minutes later Kent splits the defence with a great pass and Armstrong is through again.  He elects not to put his foot through it, seemingly intent on just getting it on target.  Despite the lack of power, it somehow goes through the keeper.  Worst I’ve seen us all season and we’re winning!

Even the floodlights are sexy in Rotherham.

Thereafter, I thought we were the likelier to score.  Marley remembered he was Marley and we constantly broke 3 on 3.  Unfortunately, Hecky held Hamill back in reserve, taking pity on the Millers (note to P: the Rovrum coach had Hamill in his all time best XI of players he’s coached).  Still, Hamill was given the last 3 mins plus injury time to wind the clock down in the corner. This is fast becoming his role in the team, and he does it jolly well.  Last seen being last Red off the pitch, milking the ‘Adam Hamill is a red’ chants and hoping Hecky was listening.

'He's one of our own...'

*** Davies.  Ok, not a lot to do, but 4 decent saves, and excellent handling.  Threw a couple off the pitch, but I blame the recipients (White daydreaming and Kent allowing one to go under his foot).

** Scowen.  Just as Josh misplaced a pass, 2^nd half, I heard this bloke behind shout how awful he’d been all match.  I’d just been thinking the opposite.  Despite losing the odd ball, he put in the proverbial shift, got the tackles in and broke with the ball.

* MacDonald.  Now I’m just guessing.  Rovrum looked dangerous initially from the ball over the top, so someone must have dealt with it.  Probably a centre half.  Probably MacDonald.

Full-time.  You Reds!!!!!!!!!

Despatches:
White was again worrying at left back, despite a decent tackle 2^nd half.  Maybe he’ll not be himself till he’s double-teamed with his best pal Adam?  Callum Evans came on for the last half an hour and I was impressed.  Tho I was impressed with a young defender at Walsall 2 years ago and he’s never been seen since.  (Centre half…wotshisname..last seen on loan to Braintree?)  The Everton bloke looks solid.  Kent had another of his games before he set up the winner, while Armstrong had another of his games before he notched.  These 2 flatter to deceive and need to improve if we’re not to miss our outgoings.  Bradshaw worked hard, but I’m not sure the supply was there for him.

Further good fortune today, as non-league Lincoln turned over Brighton in the cup.  This was a ‘reight result’ considering we’d already bought our train tickets for the Brighton home game…on FA Cup 5^th round day.

Also, hilariously, while the away support taunted the homesters’ early leaving with ‘Is there a fire drill, is there a fire drill?’, there really was a later drill, as the players apparently had to leave the stadium still in their kit cos of a suspect package.  Life imitating art or what?

Rovrum v Barnsley panorama

Drink du jour: A pint of Amstel in the Bridge and spiced rum and ginger ale on the homeward bound.  For a change, like.  We were even joined by a Blue Peter presenter nursing an injury from being squished by a female American footballer earlier.  She was grateful for our ice, possibly less so for my views of Blue Peter. 

Away: 2,601.  A sell out, and their highest away crowd of the season (according to their programme).  I learnt something else from their programme too…we have sold a ridiculous number of pairs of our home stripey socks.  Which explains why I can’t get a pair.

The Damage:
20 train
23 ent
3 prog
= £46

The Tunes:
Total Life Forever (Foals)
Friendly Fires (Friendly Fires)

Before the fire drill...

...and after.  Match still going on.

The Family Stand

..and under the lights.

and at full time.  See you next season?

Me watching them watching us.