Port Vale 0-0 BFC, Tuesday 14th April 2026

‘We love you Bradshaw we do...’

AT LAST! The run is over. We can rejoice in the streets. We can pump our fists like Henman. We can scream at the camera like a coke-fueled Maradona. After 26 goal-laden matches, we have finally, FINALLY achieved a shutout. Blue plaques all round for the keeper and back 4, forever to go down in Barnsley legend: Goodman, O’Keeffe, O’Connell, Roberts, Earl. That we failed to score (against the side bottom of the table) is neither here nor there.

I’d made a late decision to go to the game. Late enough for tickets to have gone offsale on the website, despite them being ‘digital only’. How does that work? Rocking up to the game on the nite (luckily, there was space…about 15,000 of them) I am now the proud possessor of an actual match ticket, at no extra cost. (Don’t get me started on the likes of Ticketmaster charging extra pounds for a ‘souvenir ticket.)

Usually on a Tuesday nite, I’ll go and see a non-league game with my mate Kev, a Darlo fan in Ashton-under-Lyne. I gave him a choice: Ashton Town v MSB Woolton (a game that was called off as we got there t’other week), Barnoldswick Town, or my leftfield option, Port Vale v Barnsley (‘£25’). He was remarkably keen to see the Super Reds, possibly in return for me seeing Darlo at the likes of Chorley and Curzon Ashton this season. Would he notice the gulf in class that I see?

I parked up in my usual street (I love Port Vale away) and we went into a micropub that wasn’t all that micro. I was undercover, of course. These are mean streets. Pootling to the ground after a quick pint, one noticed how many hostelries Burslem has. Loads. And even then, the one that’s closed and left to rack and ruin is the pub where Robbie Williams grew up.

We got in a few minutes before kick-off. A (lucky?) black cat scampered among the deserted seats of the corner stand, closed off. Bizarrely, in front, they’ve built a breezeblock enclosure for the groundsman’s tractor (no roof). Between this and a giant scoreboard in front of these seats, it looks like Port Vale have no plans to fill Vale Park imminently.

Team news: de Vagina (ho ho) was out, head injury from Satdy. Coach Conor replaces him with Roberts, who’s overtaken Shepherd in the pecking order by not playing. Captain Marvel is also out, The GOAT replacing him in centre mid. Meanwhile, Cleary is benched again. Either play him, or leave him at home and give him a rest.

It wasn’t a good game. Can you tell? I mused on what the opposite of ‘end to end’ was...when the game is played predominantly in that area inbetween the 2 boxes. ‘Box to box’ Kev said, helpfully. This is to give the game some semblance of action. Basically, each side took turns to get not very near the opposition goal before giving the ball away. The exception was a headed chance for erstwhile sniffer, Tom Bradshaw, who missed what looked like a great chance to head home at the far end. (Note: It WAS a great chance. Headed wide from 4 yards, on his own.)

My other favourite game was to ask Kev who our international is. He thought carefully, so carefully, I thought he’d forgotten the question. ‘I dunno, but the 22 looks alright.’ Patrick Kelly. Star man. Best player (IMHO). International. Thinking about the rest of the team, I don’t think I’ve ever disliked so many of our starting XI. I’ll hold my hands up, I really don’t like 5 of them, while it’s also fair to say I don’t rate 7 of them.

Second half was a little better. Maybe it was just the Super Reds were kicking our way. Kelly held a ball up and Yoganathan took it off his toes to burst into the box before being clipped. PENALTY! I’d put my house on Phillips scoring. I’m now homeless. Phillips puts it to the keeper’s right, but it’s far too close. I then realise the keeper is Joe Gauci, one of our merry-go-round of loan keepers in the few years. Did we get him from Villa? Is he still a Villa player? Or left to find his level?

You’d think this would hand the impetus to Vale, but Coach Conor sends on Luca (for The GOAT) and Cleary for Banks. Banks has had another decent game, but we take control with Cleary on the pitch and we start to get the ball in the box. Bradshaw flicks a header wide (good effort) before, in the last minute, he has a free header from a Yoganathan flick on. He’s 4 yards out, the keeper does a Schmeichal (the star jump keepers do in handball) and the ball hits him. A great chance to win it. It’s a good job we’ve nothing riding on this game.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kelly. Driving forward, keeping possession, laying it off.
** Cleary. Beat players, crossed balls...more dangerous in 20 than the rest of the team in 70.
* Roberts. Solid in defence.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kelly 2. Yoganathan 3. Cleary

Despatches:
217 away supporters (inc. Kev) is poor by any measure. Indeed, Darlington took more than this to Curzon Ashton the other Tuesday, but there’s a number of factors at play. First and foremost, the fanbase are depressed. The team is off form, there’s nothing to play for, it’s all the owner’s fault for crap signings (we’ll ignore Kelly and Cleary!) and the manager thinks we’re all fools for having a semblance of optimism for this season. I’ll gloss over the appeals (or lack thereof) of Burslem, but why spend good money coming to this when you can stay at home, in the snug, and either watch this on your own dodgy stream, or, more likely, a Champions League quarter final? Then there’s the fixture overload. We have 6 (SIX) away games in April. Also, the yoof weren’t there. Skool nite. For a side going nowhere. I dread to think how many will be at Stevenage, or Northampton, the next couple of Tuesdays. Probably 215.

Corners. I can’t I’m writing this, nevermind having seen it. When we now get a corner, one of the 2 players Coach Conor drags back to defend the halfway line is Vimal Yoganathan. He’s 6 foot 4, FFS. I get that he’s WEAK, but he’s TALL. You’d think if anybody has a chance of getting his head to a ball in a crowded penalty area, it’s the Sri Lankan giraffe. But Conor knows best. (Note: 9 corners, 0 goals).

In fact, looking at the stats, shots on target 1-4, off target 2-10, XG 0.58 v 1.96. This was a game we should have won.

Drink du jour: Vocation Crush Hour hazy pale ale at Johnny’s Micropub.

Away: 217 (4,863)

The Damage:
£25 ent
£1 fanzine
c.£25 petrol
= c.£51

Port Vale 1-3 BFC, Saturday 2nd November 2024

‘F***in’ bag o’sh*te’ ‘They’re not that good.’

I should have asked for a note from their mums, the excuses I got when I asked who wanted to come to Port Vale. ‘I’m in Fuerteventura.’ ‘I’m going up to Leeds to see Nick Cave.’ ‘Not sure whether we are coming home Friday or Saturday.’ (Port Vale’s) ‘a violent sh*thole and every maniac in Barnsley will insist on going.’ ‘Al, I just don’t care for your company.’ Honestly, folk couldn’t wait to not go to Vale Park, one of my favourite away days. As a historian, I like stepping back into the past, and nothing says the past like a trip to Burslem. ‘Rough and ready’ as they say, though at least I snuck into a pub incognito pre match. Every other one said ‘HOME ONLY’ as Burslem devoutly stuck to its economically retarded principles.

Anyway, it’s becoming a lucky ground (for me). We’ve definitely won there the last 3 times I’ve been, perhaps the only 3 times I’ve been (plus once with Sunderland, back in the day). And to say we’ve played this bunch more than any other team (or second most, I forget) it seems to be that we barely play them. I think it’s to do with 50 years in the second division before we were born. But I love it. 3 stands that have never changed in half a century, save for some plastic seats slapped on them. A Main Stand in which they didn’t even bother putting most of the seats in for nigh on 20 years cos they didn’t need them. Even the fanzine seller reckoned that swapping the home and away ends allowed the (new) away end to be run down. How can you tell?

Another reason to come would be that it’s my last game for a while – I’m off to Australasia till Xmas. And if ever an away match will make you miss Old Blighty, surely it’s Port Vale!? I parked up (usual spot, a back street a couple of minutes away from the pubs on St. John’s Square) but only had time for a quick snifter. One problem with driving through the Peak District (Glossop, Buxton, Leek) is that when there’s roadworks, you’re stuck when there’s roadworks. At least there was a strategically placed Morrisons for all those urinary needs.

Got there in time for the obligatory Remembrance Day commemoration. The bugler made a better job than Shrewsbury, despite an early mishap. Then it was game on, and what a nothing half it was, despite the two goals. We went ahead when Roberts nipped in front of a defender, from a lovely deadball in from O’Keefe. For 15 minutes we then comfortable..till we didn’t. They put a ball in, we had mor than enough defenders there to deal with it and somehow it lands at the feet of the centre forward, who cuts back inside, sidestepping Kilip who’s raced on, and coolly sidefoots it into the empty net. (What I hadn’t seen in the ping-pong was that the Earl kicked the cross straight to their player.) Obviously, we were gutted enough, without scorer Ronan Curtis rushing over ‘shushing’ us. You’ll get yours, Curtis.

Aside from that, I remember Kilip making a decent save, but otherwise, nothing. And nothing continued into the second half, till, just before the hour, Coach Clarke hauls off Watters for Phillips. Whisper it, but I thought Watters was one of our better players, but from here on we roasted Vale. 5 minutes later we were ahead, as Phillips plays O’Keefe free down the right and his cross is swept in by DKD. (If Devante bothered to run past defenders to meet the ball, he’d have scored this goal 20 times last season.)

2-1 and it’s all us. Their goalscorer is dragged off, much to the amusement of the away end. ‘Curtis, Curtis, what’s the score’ was one of the more palatable chants and this continued for the rest of the match. It must have been quite the uncomfortable half hour or so on the bench for the lad. Unlucky. Though I did enjoy a blast of ‘der der der, football in a sh*thole’, a variation on the old ‘library’ chant. Oh, and their mascot is ‘just a sh*t Toby Tyke, sh*t Toby Tyke...’

Wave after wave of attack ensued as Port Vale couldn’t get out of their half, or indeed, get near the ball. O’Keefe and Phillips combined again before Russell curled a beautiful effort off the top of the bar. (He’s very good at hitting the woodwork.) Then, with 10 to play, Phillips plays the ball across goal and Humphreys is bundled over. The kind of penalty we didn’t get in the last minute of a home match the other week. This week (when we don’t need it) it’s given. After what seemed like forever, Phillips steps up and sends the keeper the wrong way.

Thereafter, the only side keeping the score down was us, as a couple of times we broke, outnumbered the Valiants…and took it to the corner flag, much to the chagrin of our support. ‘We want 4, we want 4’. Still, at least we were through. And at least it didn’t go to extra time. I had Strictly to get home to!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Game was going nowhere, he came on and we never looked back.
** O’Keefe. Got up the pitch to set up 2 goals.
* DKD. Some sublime touches and, of course, the goal that put us ahead.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. O'Keefe 3. DKD

Despatches:
After the match I ran the gauntlet back to the car with the Diss Branch of the Barnsley Supporters Club (Membership: 1) Following the away crowd, I went a different route to usual, meaning we didn’t merge with the Vale fans till nearly at the car. Then a voice behind me…‘How do you tell a Barnsley fan?’ I had to turn around. I’m not getting whacked in the back of the head by some Valiant clown, like someone we all know a few years back. ‘By the f***ing grin on their faces.’ A Vale fan with a sense of humour, as him and his mate waxed unlyrical about their side’s performance (and the referee’s). We agreed it was never a pen, though I thought their 2 appeals were very weak too.

Oh, and it took me 9 miles to get to Stoke railway station, which can’t be more than 4 miles walk. Have I said how much I hate Stoke? Signs that make little sense, roads closed off…Google satnav confused, telling me to turn off expressways over curbs. I DETEST this place. Being advised to go down a dead end street I’ve seen a 100 times on Homes Under the Hammer? Been there. And did I ever find the railway station? No, the street was closed off, so I ordered James out the car at the lights. I hate this place. Hate it.

The other players? Honestly, before Watters was hauled, I was struggling to think of contenders for the top 3. Watters had held it up well and chased and harried, but otherwise…nada. Kilip had made two saves, one a super diving effort, but the other one he palmed right into trouble, but luckily a defender cleaned up. Special mention to POTY Cotter though, dropped from the entire squad for not being able to prompt a side full of reserves to victory midweek against Donny in the Sherpa Van Papa Johnstones wotsit. Rumour has it there’s some poor attitude going on, as there would be when you’ve been senselessly dropped and forced to play with players who’re about to be sent on loan to Gainsborough Trinity (true). But O’Keefe and Phillips had an outstanding partnership once the latter came on.

Drink du jour: MBH Loco Juice. Drinkable, but wouldn’t have a 2nd.

Away: 525 (I think)

The Damage:
£15 ent
c.£30 petrol£1 fanzine
= £46

Port Vale 0-1 BFC, Monday 28th March 2016

‘Gillingham.  Like Burslem town centre but with more charity shops.’ (not me, the Vale fanzine)

Finally!  A sign!  (A sign I'm lost.)

What is it with me and Port Vale?  Last year I ran the gauntlet of walking from the nearest rail station, Longport (miles away) and this year was even worse.  I cleverly (!) decided I’d go by bus this year.  There must be buses from Stoke to Burslem, right?  Well, not from Stoke-on-Trent railway station there isn’t, but a helpful bus driver advised me to buy an all day rover ticket and change at Hanley (ie, Stoke-on-Trent city centre) and catch a bus from there.  Which I did.  It even said it was going to Burslem.  But it somehow turned off….I saw the ground’s floodlights and expected it to double back through the town centre…but it didn’t and off I went into the countryside (past Chell, for those who know the area) before getting off and waiting for a bus the other way.  On a Bank Holiday.  

1st sighting of ground. Least, I hope it is.

Of course, bus stands in Stoke-on-Trent don’t like to carry any information on when (or if) there might be another bus that day, so after 10 mins waiting, I decided to walk.  It would only be 3 miles or so.  Luckily, a few stops later there WAS a timetable.  One an hour.  I looked at my watch.  There was one due.  Result!  So, I jumped aboard, retraced my steps, and as it turned off for Hanley decided I had to get off – the sign for Burslem pointed in another direction.  It still must have been 2 miles, as I trundled through Tunstall (where?) before spotting Vale Park on top of a hill.  I thought a vale was at the bottom of a hill? Nevermind, it’s not often I get to cross a wooden bridge over a stream to walk to a ground.  I arrived a couple of minutes after kick-off – it had taken me over 2 hours from Stoke-on-Trent railway station.  Christ, it only takes an hour to get anywhere in London (I have scientifically worked this out.  I can get anywhere in London from my house in an hour, honest.)

Old skool turnstiles, new skool fence.

I entered the stadium in time to hear a volley of ‘we’ve got more fans than you’.  This is what division 3 does to us.  We should have our own division betwixt 2^nd and 3^rd, as we’re Lidl (©Keith Hill) in one and Harrods in t’other.  I go and sit right behind the goal, having had to ask permission from a steward to go through the door he was guarding.  (He had to ask his supervisor.)  A quick glance around the pitch suggested we were two up front, a pleasant experiment after Friday’s one-up and no goals v Scunny.  Fletch is back too, which suggests the club were lying or clueless about his eligibility for today’s game.  I’ll go with b).

STOKE OK.  Graffiti outside Vale Park.

There’s an early goal too.  We get a free kick wide right, and as players line up on the edge of the box, one of theirs goes down like a sack of s***.  This will be a recurring theme all day, as players on either side collapse with the ball nowhere to be seen.  After several players ‘discuss’ what the ref should do, he wisely calls the captains together to tell their sides to get a grip.  As I said, it didn’t work.  Then Hourihane curls one in and it somewhere lands in the net.  From our end, it was impossible to tell whether Toney had got a touch to it, but it was later credited to Hourihane: a cross so bad it eluded everyone (only joking, Loko).  A pearler which had the keeper confused.
Thereafter, we hung on for 80 minutes with intermittent breaks.  I have no idea how Port Fail erred, but I’d suggest there’re in for shooting practice this morning.  The shot count says it all; 14-5 to them (3-2 to us on target).  Corners 10-2.  At least we won it on bookings (somehow): 3-1, there’s predictably being ex-Red lunatic Carl Dickenson.  (For those who can’t remember, he was the thuggish on-loan Stokie left back to Shotton’s class RB).

The view from behind the nets.

Davies did however pull off one great save in the 1^st half, tipping a shot wide which was heading towards the bottom corner.  And (for once) his handling was outstanding.  But the stars of the show really were the centre halves.  Who is this Roberts bloke, who has resurrected his BFC career since November and Altrincham?  (I know, the whole team have.)  And Mawson wasn’t giving the ball away like on Friday.  He had midfielders and forwards to do that, as we tried to build up from the back only to give it away cheaply time and time again.  I think we passed the ball 4 times in one move once.  Maybe twice. 

The oldest part of Vale Park.

Yet there was plenty of space, what with Vale piling forward.  Several times we were 3 on 3, but a wrong decision here, a Hammill falling over there, ruined our chances to put this game to bed and finger nails were bitten all the way to the last minute, as yet another Vale shot was pulled wide.

Game over, phew.  0-1.  Now it was time to hide the scarf (the only time I’ve done this all season) to avoid the Vale nutcases.  I found the journey easier going back; up to Burslem city centre for  bus to Hanley, from where I walked to Stoke-on-Trent railway station via a takeaway (2 samosas, £1.20) and an offy.  It was time to celebrate!

One day this'll be finished.  One day.

*** Roberts.  Not only did he win everything in the air, he read the game well, made lots of interceptions and even found his own players.  I’m starting to really like him.  Of course, none of his long throws went to anything in a red shirt – but that’s cos he’s the one who needs to be on the end of those throws.
** Mawson.  Well recovered after Friday’s debacle.
* Davies.  Great save, good kicking and caught everything.

Londontykes' MOTM
*** Mawson
** = Hourihane / Roberts

Despatches: Unlucky not to make my top 3 was George Williams, another top top performance at right back.  Why did we get that Connolly in?  How did Wabara get a game every week?  (How does he get a game at Wigan, now?)  Williams was another reason we didn’t concede.  Some great tackling and covering.  Aidey White meantime was more concerned with helping out the attack…he did well, but when the ball broke down (through other players’ ineptitude) it left him a bit exposed.  The midfield were decidedly average…were they simply swamped cos we had 2 up front?  Hammill had a couple of good runs before falling down when looking dangerous.  Perhaps he needs a trip to the sports shop for new boots (especially after Friday too).  The front 2…Toney (the loanee) and Fletcher (the other loanee) had strange games.  They don’t look like the kind of blokes you wanna mess with, but along with the Vale players, took turns to fall on the floor claiming some form of opposition deviousness.  What was all that about?  5 or 6 times players went down off the ball.  How the ref only found 3 and 4 mins ‘injury time’ each half was up to him.  Coulda, shoulda, been 6 or 7 mins each half (not that I’m complaining).

Bit of a crowd at the far end.

The ref did well though: booed by both sets of fans and recipient of ‘the referee’s a wa*ker’ as yet another Vale player decided to have a sit down and wait for attention.  (What annoyed me on that one was how he was tended to a yard from the byeline, near the goal, but was allowed to casually walk off to the halfway line.  Probably cos we’d called the ref a wa*ker!)

Oh, and Phil (again) missed the train...this time engineering works ruining his attempts to get to that there London, but this was tempered by bumping into Hicksy, fresh from a morning shift at the brewery.

Shame Mi'wa and Bradford also won, but it puts daylight between us and 8th. Carry on winning and we'll reel 'em in!
Onwards and upwards.  You Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Railway Stand (note: no railway anywhere near it)

I’ll leave the last words to Vale fanzine ‘Derek I’m gutted!!!’ who had a quiz about what occupations the division’s managers would have if they weren’t managers.  You had a choice, ‘brain surgeon’ or….

Can you match the possible job to the current or former Reds’ manager (or, in Davis' case, player)?

1. Sweeper up in breakfast cereal factory	a) Paul Heckingbottom
2. Proprietor of specialist adult bookshop	b) Keith Hill
3. Mature student studying for a city and guilds forced to work nights shelf stacking at Aldi.	c) Danny Wilson
4. No win no fee solicitor	d) Steve Davis
5. Night shift security guard at the barrier of an industrial estate who keeps nipping out to stretch his legs.  And have a fag.	e) Mark Robins
6. Man in pub who can get you anything for a tenner.	f)  Lee Johnson
7. Sneaky car park attendant hiding round a corner with his notebook and pen poised.	g) Micky Mellon
8. Man blocking the doorway whilst having a fag outside a betting shop.	h)  Gary Flitcroft

1= Steve Davis                           5= Micky Mellon
2= Gary Flitcroft                        6= Lee Johnson
3= Paul Heckingbottom             7= Mark Robins
4= Danny Wilson                       8= Keith Hill

Away: 854
Drink du jour: a couple of Leffe on the train, FA in town (see earlier) and a bottle of red on the way back. 

The Damage:
29 travel 
22 ent
3 prog
1 ‘zine

The Tunes:
Before We Forgot How To Dream – Soak
30 Something – Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine
Mixmag July ’14  - Scuba
Mixmag June ’14 – Seth Troxler
Parallel Lines - Blondie

Half time panorama

I do like the colours at Vale Park though.

Port Vale 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 20th September 2014

‘I wasn’t much impressed with your bunch.’  ‘Neither were we’.

2 games I’m back and already we’re in the groove – played 2, lost 2.  And if conceding 5 against MK was bad enough, yesterday we lost to a managerless side who’d lost 6 on the spin.  Well done BFC.

It was a decent turnout from the (ex) Londontykes…Molly, Wadd, Hicksy, Neil…while I made my lonesome way to Vale Park.  It was just like my continental tour, just me, with my MP3 player and a black civil rights book for company.  Great.

I’d not been to Vale for nigh on 25 years, and for various reasons, it may be another 25 before I do so again.  What a s***hole Burslem is (note to chanting Reds fans: there is no such place as ‘Port Vale’, which makes your assertion about it being a s***hole and wanting to go home somewhat redundant).  Don’t get me wrong, most of the places we visit are s***holes, but this really is a down at heel place.  Buildings boarded up, a lack of shops of any description and the 1^st 2 pubs I passed (and 3 out of 4) shut down.  

Once I hit the ‘town centre’ itself, most pubs proudly declared ‘HOME FANS ONLY’.  Actually, they could amend this to ‘SHAVEN HEADED HOME FANS ONLY’ since they appeared to be the only clientele.  There really was an edge to this place as I strolled on through in my red Reds’ tracky top.  (I’d taken out my earphones though, I didn’t want to be ‘surprised’ a la Hicksy t’other year, with a blow to the back of the head).  I did have the name and address of an away friendly pub, but getting lost on the way ruled that one out.  (I saw the Vale floodlights on a hill the other side of the valley and thought ‘oh dear’).

So, got to the ground about 2:30, enough time to wander around and chat to the fanzine seller amongst others (there ARE some decent Vale fans out there).  Great ‘zine too – hope the WSB guys picked up a copy!  Said guy also told me about the new price increases made on the back of 6 consecutive defeats - £25 if you buy your tickets less than 3 hours before KO (£22 otherwise), a cynical ploy designed to rob the away, or casual, fan.  No wonder their crowds are so low.

Met Neil in the queue to get in.  An alcohol-less day brought home just how drunk everyone else was, Neil included.  Ba5tards.  Stilll, nice of Wadd to let me finish his dregs off inside – I needed it.  And good news, Turnbull in for Davies in goal.  And bad news – Brown still getting a game.  Why?

The match?  Well, just look at the stats.  Basically, they had shedloads of shots, most of which Turnbull saved and they scored with a free kick off the post which never went higher than head-height.  Did it go THROUGH the wall?  Dunno.  2^nd half, we perhaps had more purpose and within a couple of minutes of Winnall coming on we got the world’s softest penalty as Hourihane flung himself to the floor right in front of us.  The New Redfearn © then banged the ball in off a post like it was one of his 25 yarders.  One-all and all to play for.  Then the ref gives the world’s second softest penalty, as their bloke just stops in front of M’Voto then takes a dive.  Justice done though as their pen taker finds the orbit.  As both teams then trade blows looking for the winner, there’s no danger as Jamal Campbell Ryce…sorry, Mark Marshall…collects the ball out wide with 2 Reds players on him.  Thankfully, Dudgeon and Crainie retreat and retreat into their own box and now they’re too petrified to make a tackle, JCR darts between them, cuts back to beat Dudgeon again, before firing home.  A great winner (them), shocking defence (us).  

*** Turnbull.  Kept us in it, though 1 or 2 hairy moments in his catching.
** M’Voto.  Just keep banging balls to his head and he’ll keep heading them 25-30 yards.
* Jennings, for running about?  Bree, for replacing Brown at HT? (And a sublime beating of his player early doors).  I’ll go Jennings, after the slating I gave him last week.

Despatches:
After the game, I had to dash.  Good job.  Plenty of likely looking lads in groups (on both sides) obviously out for trouble.  Plus the police.  (Vale must have one of the highest police to fan ratios in the league, and no wonder).  Whatever the ins and outs – did a nice policeman REALLY put a Barnsley fan’s head through a car window, as I heard in the bogs at Stoke railway station? – coming out of Vale Park was like a lower division St. Andrews.  What is it about the West Midlands?  (Would I be a violent psychopath if I lived here?  Answer: probably).  Mind, whether it was the drink, or frustration, but I don’t like to hear stories of Reds fans fighting each other in the away toilets – ask Neil for details; eye witness rather than protagonist, mercifully).  And who were all these Reds fans anyway?  700+ attended, yet I barely recognised anybody.  Is Vale away the game for the numpties?  Let’s hope they (or us) get relegated and avoid each other next season.

Once at Stoke station (4 miles and a train journey from Longport – where? – away) I crossed the road to a hotel bar to ‘enjoy’ a pint as the only customer, and when I came out the road was closed off by police and 20-30 coppers milling about.  Seems they’d escorted 10-15 Reds fans (Neil included), whether for their or others’ safety, who knows?  Has anyone been to Stoke by rail before?  Me neither, so I was as surprised as anyone that there’s FA there (the city centre being 10 mins away).  What a place.

Player despatches:
The defence was s***, the midfield was s*** and the forwards were s***.  One stat I saw today was that we had 57% possession.  Fat lot of use that is when we stand around looking at each other while Vale get back to defend.  The Valiants meantime passed and moved and tore through us enough times to score 5 or 6.  

Damage:
£44 return to Stoke; £2.70 return to Longport; £25 ent; £1 fanzine (bargain.  Sample line regarding their new Swiss signing: ‘I like Swiss football.  Always a good game for the neutral.’)  And they described their new coach as ‘veteran thug Michael Brown’ (who enjoyed the chants of the travelling ‘hordes’ as he warmed up).  In one cartoon he’s shown teaching his ‘values’; ‘Right, that’s how you elbow someone in the face.  Now for the 2-footed tackle.’  Tw*t.

Drink du jour:  San Miguel, from the local Co-op in Burslem.  I couldn’t contemplate a dry return journey.  Not after that.

roll on next week - Swindon, who only knocked 5 past the Blunts yesterday.

A