BFC 0-2 Hull City, Saturday 6th November 2021

‘Woodrow’s down. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’

Ahhh, that’s better. I had a rather uneasy feeling the other night. What was it? Oh yes, winning. It was good to be back – and how! Watching us be completely outclassed all over the pitch by a side we’d somehow gone above in midweek was like pulling on an old comfy pair of slippers. I was on much more familiar ground. That cold, dead feeling of watching a Reds team slowly, inexorably, continue on the steady decline to relegation. Remember that side containing Kevin Donovan, Mitch Ward, Chris Morgan….Bruce Dire? It has that feeling to me. A side containing a modicum of talent, certainly enough to finish outside the bottom 3, but without the nouse, the guidance, the effort, to stave off the inevitability of relegation. We probably sacked a manager that season too, to no avail.

Hull murdered us first half, and should have been at least 2 goals to the good. That they couldn’t put the ball repeatedly in the net says as much about their chances as it does ours. (Having Malik Wilks up front can’t have helped, as well as having former Reds loanee Callum Elder at left back. It didn’t matter how much space he had, he couldn’t deliver.) They went ahead with a proper comedy goal too. It was bad enough that Helik couldn’t cut out the cross (we don’t do fullbacks) but whythehell is Jasper Moon trying to score an own goal? Luckily, it hits Collins (Moon’s finishing being every bit as appalling as our forwards) and the rebound falls to Honeyman to bury. Honeyman. The former Sunderland player ran the show. When I texted a Black Cat mate, his response: ‘Honeyman…jeez, see you next year’ (and no, he doesn’t think Sunderland will go up). Earlier, Andy Devante Cole did what his father did best and missed a simple header, letting it cannon into the away end off his forehead instead of flicking it in. Well, he was as far as 5 yards out, and unmarked. What did I expect?

It’s ok though, it’s only 0-1. The stand-in coach (whose name I still don’t know, and don’t care to find out) is surely going to tear the players a new one at half-time. The players come out and it’s like the first half never ended. Yes, he hooked Cole for Big Vic, but the ‘performance’ continued. Now, I understand walking football has become a thing…but I’m not yet at the stage where I’d willingly pay money to watch it, yet that’s what I’ve done today. Every time we got the ball, we strolled about as the opposition got back into position. (Ahhh, Keith Hill, those were the days!) We DID pass the ball forward (eventually) and we DID have some slick 4 or 5 pass moves. The problem is, for us to get as far as their box takes 8 or 9 such passes….and there’s no way this team can produce 9 passes in a row to players on their side.

In contrast, Hull got the ball and broke quickly, often 3 on 3. (If we’re thinking former Reds managers, think us under Hecky.) And boy, did they miss some chances in the second half. My favourite miss wasn’t where he hit the post with the goal gaping, no, it was when a Hull player hit his own player (cheers mate!) The keeper pulled off a one on one, and an excellent reaction save, while the back 3/5/10 went AWOL. Eventually, Honeyman laid it off for another tap-in, and a second rendition from the away end of ‘how sh*t must you be, we’re winning away?’ How sh*t must WE be, I thought? If you lot were any good, we’d be down by half a dozen by now. (At this point, I must admit, the defeat was all the fault of Wadd, Molly and myself, who, pre-match, had casually chatted about the time Charlton came and hit us for 6.) Hull are a poor side, who looked at least 2 divisions above us today. I’d wager they go down with us.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. I know Molly doesn’t agree with chucking the bathwater out with the baby (or is it the other way around?) when we lose, but pur-lease. In a season full of dismal displays, this was a new nadir.
** Styles. Came on and ran around. (Ran!) Also, had a shot on target within 2 minutes of coming on, which possibly equalled the entire team’s total for the match. (Brittain had a shot on target, more of him later.)
* Collins. I’ll absolve the keeper from the criticism. Made a great save from Moon, as well as those 2nd half efforts.

Official MOTM: Do we have a new tradition whereby we don’t name a MOTM when we’re getting beat? (Molly – write to the club!

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Collins 2. Styles 3. No-one

Despatches:
At half-time I got a call from one of my dad’s carers. His catheter was leaking, so I had to call the district nurse and organise to get it sorted. If I said that was the highlight of my match, does that give you a flavour of what you missed?

At least ‘Praise or Grumble’ on Radio Sheffield offered some solace. I think it was a ‘Grumble’ special, with a whole host of Blunts queuing up to slate their team – you know, the one that gave us a spanking not a fortnight ago?

The players? Obvs, they were all s***, save for the couple mentioned. So I’ll reserve my ire for just the 2 of them. First up, Callum Brittain. A right wing back who can’t cross, shoot or defend, yet is undroppable. Did he blaze 1 shot into the Ponty today, or 2? 1 cross into the Ponty or 2? He should be fined every time he tries a shot, cos all it’s doing is ceding possession. Meantime, someone I wish WOULD have a shot is Cauley Woodrow, but you know the drill by now. No pace, seemingly no anticipation, no sense of where the goal is, or how to find space in the final third. Without the ability to outjump a defender as well, how is he ever going to score in open play? Undroppable.

I hear Colin Wan*er has suddenly become available after leaving Boro. I’d take him like a shot, if we’re to give ourselves a shot at staying up. Or b) let’s get a cheap foreign coach and start getting ready for life in division 3. ‘It’s like de ja vous all over again’ as Shaka Hislop once said.

Drink du jour: Yorkshire Pale Ale. Like most things from Yorkshire, it was a bit average. (We were in the Jolly Boys, AKA the Arcade Alehouse.)

Away: 1,553

Matches played in front of a Main Stand safe enough for journalists/directors/non-playing players etc, but not safe enough for fans: 3

The Damage:
c. £35 petrol
£3 programme
£10 scarf
£8 mug (and I don’t mean Cauley Woodrow)
= c. £56

The Tunes:
Huey Morgan / Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show (BBC6 Music)
Praise or Grumble (Radio Sheffield)

BFC 0-1 Hull City, Saturday 21st October 2017

‘Ze answer, my friends, eez blowin’ in ze wind’

Walking towards the Theatre of Doom.

After a couple of decent results in our last 2 games, in come struggling (but not as struggling as us) Hull City Tigers.  Surely a game we have to give ourselves a chance of winning, and we do; Hecky has finally given us what we want, two up top. So tis our fault, as the ‘experiment’ proves a resounding failure.  Ugbo (reputed wage at Chelsea: £25k/week; reputed worth at Oakwell: £2.50/week) is hapless, never in the game.  Partner Bradshaw, who cut a very lone figure up front last week while being beaten up against Boro, uses the presence of a partner to hide behind defenders all day long.  I don’t know how he’s bagged 7 this season already, cos for me, all he does is stand still when balls are about to be delivered into the box.  MOVE IN FRONT OF YOUR MAN, MAN!  FFS.  Lineker and Rush didn’t score gazillions of goals while standing still.

The teams meet 'n' greet.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve got that off my chest, cos after the match I was probably the least angry there.  They were s***, we were sh*tter (we lost!).  Reedy meantime was furious.  A Hull fan at the station said ‘I don’t know how we won that.  We were s***’ to which Andy told him ‘I DON’T CARE!’ before turning his back on said Tiger.  On the train to London I feared a fight with Terriers, as Andy (and Nice Guy Chris) were too loud too many times in pointing out how in all the years we’ve travelled up to watch the Super Reds, we’ve never seen any Huddersfield, until the day they beat ManUre in the Premiershit.  And to top it all, while Andy has a friendly conversation with a Forest fan in the pub in St. Pancras, another Forest numpty comes up and his opening gambit is ‘Call me a scab and I’ll punch you.’  Charming.  ‘I haven’t called you a scab this season’ Andy retorts (he never went to the midweek home game).  Berserker is back.

Tigers!  Tigers!

Course, I could understand his anger regards the game.  Hull didn’t have a shot on target, till they did…and scored.  What was it?  78^th minute or sumfing?  Even their fans at one point could be heard chanting ‘All we want is a shot’.  Jackson goes off injured and within a minute, a corner comes in, a player drops off, flicks it on and somebody who cost 7 million scores on the backpost.  Unlucky?  Hardly.  2 mins later, they try EXACTLY the same corner, only this time the guy with the 1^st header has it saved.  Still, well done BFC.  We have turned a nailed on nil-nil into a defeat.  ‘But Davies never had a save to make, whereas….’  Whereas WHAT?  We had a couple of efforts scrambled off the line and a Ryan Hedges snapshot which surprised everybody bar the keeper.  It was poor fayre for the supporter starved of decent football.  Going 4-4-2 (Ugbo in for Potts) didn’t seem to help anybody as few Reds players impressed.  But at least I’d get to watch the HC Tigers in their tigery stripes.  That always helps takes the edge off the appalling play.  So they wore blue, obvs.  Crap all round.

The stewards attempt to disrupt a democratic protest.  Why?

*** Jackson.  Won everything.
** Williams.  Made a few tackles.

* Fryers.  Made some great runs down the left.  Shame nobody bothered to find him.

Twitter MOTM: Williams, I think.

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Jackson  2. McCarthy  3. Williams

Despatches:This will be short.  The forwards were s*** and the midfield created FA.
Onwards and upwards!
Away: c2,200
Drink du jour: Erdinger, vodka and orange, Camden Pale Ale.  
The Damage:£23 ent£3 prog= £26

The Tunes:DJ Kicks: Manufactured SuperstarsDJ Kicks: Tiga

Barnsley v Hull City panorama.

The Ponty v Hull.

Welcome to ....

Toby hangs out in the East Stand.

Match action...a rare thing indeed today.

Barnsley 2-0 Hull City, Saturday 27th April 2013

‘Premiership?  You're having a laugh!’

Phew!  There we were, lambs to the slaughter.  The Beeb had turned up (both radio and TV highlights show) and those Reds fans from far flung regions with the nouse for these things could pick up the game on Salisbury’s favourite foreign channel ‘Ah’ll Jizz Ne’er thee’.  The Super Reds were, of course, purely there as the fall guys to Hull City’s promotional aspirations.  All the Tigers would have to do is turn up and the game was theirs.  In fact, we weren’t helped by the previous night’s result:  Had Leicester turned over Watford, Hull would’ve been up and their players could’ve come out drunk to wild celebratory scenes before we wiped out the 6 goals difference the Charlton game cost us.  Which makes our victory yesterday even more worthy – Hull came to win and we cleaned them out, bigstyle.

Flitcroft picked an attacking side, aware that results of late hadn’t been good enough with a more defensive psychology.  Obviously, this could’ve gone either way, and if Boyd had hit his pass right, their centre forward would’ve had a tap in early doors.  Thankfully, it was too close to Steele, danger averted.  Then, 4 mins in, Mellis (Mellis!!) breaks on the right.  The angle is poor for a shot, but there’s no support, so he cracks it…I’ve never seen him hit a ball so hard…and it flies off the underside of the crossbar, bounces, spins back, appears to hit the staunchion (sp?) at the back of the goal and bounces out.  We celebrate, but we all know it still needs to be given…and IT IS.  Get the f*** in there.  Only 86 more minutes to hang on.

The 1^st 15-20 mins, Hull looked dangerous, spurning 3 opportunities to make something, but as the match wore on, we absolutely took control.  The Football League Show tipped Steele to have another busy week, a la Forest, but I can’t remember a save he made.  What shots or headers City had generally ended up in the stand.  Thanks lads.  Half time came, still 1-0.  I asked my dad if he was coming to Huddersfield next week.  (He’s one of them fans who only wants to go to Huddersfield if there’s something riding on it - sound familiar to some of you?).  ‘Unlikely’ he said.  (I’d already bought him his ticket).

The teams came out and the old bloke next to me wondered ‘who’d given the better team talk at half time?’  The answer came quick enough.  About 4 minutes in (again) the ball is bouncing around the edge of the Hull penalty area when O’Grady lashes it into the bottom corner.  My God, we are 2-0 up against a side who’ll be playing Premiership football next season, allegedly.  Their fans go deathly silent.  Deathly.  I mean, it was like a morgue at their end as our chants reverberated around the stadium.  This feel good factor feels….good.  I have to say, it wasn’t like the 2^nd goal Marcelle scored to get us promoted, there was no certainty the job was done, but suffice to say, conversation on the train included how bad were Hull?  Were they the worst side to come to our place this season? We were on top from start to finish in the 2^nd half, despite a couple of headers going close for Hull.  What particular impressed me was we didn’t sit back or run the ball to the corner. We carried on going for a 3^rd and even took a midfielder off (Mellis) to stick on a 3^rd centre forward (Scotland).  Later on, as Rose was about to come on, I wondered whether we’d finish with 4 centre forwards on the pitch.  (The last manager to try this out was ‘Mad’ Mel Machin, with the legendary Liddell, Rammell, Saville, Pearson forward line.  Great Days.)

It was one of the most comfortable last 20 minutes of the season.  The Tigers’ fans even joined in with a couple of ‘what a waste of money’ chants, as dozens streamed out before the final whistle.  (A couple of the lads think this may have been directed at the arrival of the stewards and riot police – I’m not so sure.)  Whatever way, what a pathetic lot they were in the away end.  Some ‘support’ for a side so close to promotion.

Being a Big Game, we also got a Big Ref – Chris Foy, loaned from the Premiership for the day.  And what a load of sh*te he was.  At one point I joined in with the away fans’ chant of ‘you don’t know what you’re doing’.  (This after finally giving a decision our way).  I think my 2 favourite decisions were the booking of Etuhu for a perfectly good tackle and then, when Perkins dragged up their player (worth a yellow) after their bloke dived, their bod grabbed Perkins by the throat (red).  Verdict?  A little chat and no cards administered.  Must be different rules in the Prem.

MOTM:
*** O’Grady.  Sponsors MOTM too.  He just gets better and better.  Strong, holds the ball up, capable of running at them, and then, THAT goal.
** Etuhu.  You don’t miss him till he’s gone.  Kelvin is (literally) MASSIVE in the centre of our midfield.
* Crainie.  Him and Wiseman actually LOOK like a partnership.  I’m giving Crainie the mark, cos even tho they look alike, I saw the number 25 being the one with the most clearances, tackles, interceptions.  Players player of the year.  I’m not surprised.  (I said he was the dark horse for fans player of the year.)

Despatches:

Good f***ing job we won, cos otherwise I think there woulda been more made of our PA playing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ before the match.  Lulling them into a false sense of security?  Or just f***ing clueless?

The players were all super, so I’ll mention:

Perkins – player most likely to give Hull summat in the last 20, yet excellent throughout the rest.  Fans player of the year.  I’m not surprised.  (I called it on the train).

Reuben – one particularly great run saw him slalom past 4 opponents (shame he dragged the shot wide with his favoured left).  Excellent throughout, wide left.

Shuk…sorry, DAGNALL.  Ran around causing mayhem yet nothing would drop for him.  I can’t help but feel though his inclusion is key to OTHER players doing well up front.

So there it is.  The Posh try to ruin an otherwise perfect day, but we’re still fighting.  If we play like Satdy, we will DESTROY Huddersfield.  But I’ll settle for 0-1.  A draw and we’re reliant on Posh losing at Palace, or Millwall losing 2 games with a goal difference of minus 4 or higher.  Defeat and we’re down.  It all seems very simple to me.

Drink du jour:  M&S vodka and orange or lager for Timmy.  We cut it fine, thanks to our taxi getting stuck in traffic.  There may have been words had we missed that train, what with Tim and Salisbury on the pitch after the match, while the well mannered folk sat on the minibus, waiting.  Decent train ride back, with a couple of Exeter and a Gill for company.  Andy Jones wanted me to mention something in today’s report, but I can’t remember what.  I’ve forgotten more than most of you will ever know.

‘Dad are you going to Huddersfield next week?’  ‘Of course.’  Was there ever a doubt?

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hull City 0-1 Barnsley, Saturday 26th January 2013

'But I AM’

Battling Barnsley bravely battle to victory.  Another week, another all hands to the pump performance.  Despite a couple of changes to the team selection, the fluid 3-5-2 or is it 5-3-2 system continued, and after riding our luck a little 1^st half, we nicked a win with a superb counter attack. 

Wise heads wondered why Wiseman was given a starting berth.  My own theory was that it was our last chance to let him have a good game before the transfer deadline, thereby getting rid. (I didn’t realise we had a game on Tuesday.)  Unfortunately, he was dogs*** at right back, so that's that plan out of the window.  If any move personified his ‘ability’ it was when he miscalculated the bounce of a ball, and as it went over his and the striker’s head, he clattered into the striker, earning a booking.  Had he simply stood still the ball would’ve gone out for a throw-in to us.

Equally appalling was Crainie at centre half.  Not only did he look like Wiseman, he played like him too.  Thankfully, some bloke called Hassell was ready at all times on the cover.  Where’d we get him from?  He looks a cracking buy.  Golbourne was also outstanding and Steele was only really called into action in the last 10 minutes.

The 1^st half was all Hull tho.  We simply never got out of our half.  I don’t know what it is about us sometimes.  One week we’re playing balls to the feet of Dagnall and Harewood, the next they never see the ball.  And if they do, no-one’s bothered to come up and support.  Hull have several half chances, mainly headers flicking past the post from needlessly given away corners and free kicks.  It seemed only a matter of time, so it was with some relief we made it to HT scoreless.

2^nd half and it was a different game.  Both sides attacked, leaving space behind their defences. The game became increasingly spread out before Flitcroft made a couple of changes the rest of us woulda made before the match even started – O’Brien on for The Stroller and Stones on for (an injured) Wiseman.  (As with the reason to play Wiseman, the reason NOT to play Stones is we don’t want him injured before we sell him!)

Then we ruled, man.  We took it to the Tigerrzz and in one attack had 3 efforts on goal before Dagnall knocked in the 3^rd rebound.  The crowd went wild!  Actually, we did.  A decent turnout too, about 1500.  Amazing what this ‘football for a tenner’ brings out.

Then for 5 minutes we had attack after attack, so Flitcroft did the decent thing, took a striker off (Dagnall) and stuck a defender on (Foster) and the momentum was lost.  We dropped deep for the last 10 and Steele made 3 or 4 saves where previously there were none.  They also spurned a couple of free kicks from the edge of the box, electing to hoof it into the crowd.  I guess it is a rugby town.

Pleasant journey back too.  Me and Andy sourced the spiced rum from the BIGGEST TESCO I HAVE EVER SEEN in Hull city centre (I think it WAS Hull city centre) before we retired to the saloon of the posh hotel in the station to admire our good work, while helping Tim spend his latest fruit machine winnings (£160).  It got me wondering, how many hours of practice, how many pounds of hard cash, does one have to feed into those things to understand how to play them? Cos I have seen Tim drop at least 3 of these things and it can’t be coincidence.

*** Hassell.  Read the game superbly from a deep lying central defensive role (sweeper?).  In particular, got us out of trouble when Crainie and Wiseman were attempting to put us in it.

** Golbourne.  Got up the wing in support, especially 2^nd half.

* Steele.  Just edges out Perkins cos the last 10 mins, where he made crucial saves, Perkins lost a couple of cheap balls.

Despatches:
Perkins had a decent game.  Harewood didn’t do anything for 60 minutes then sprang into life. Stones and O’Brien came on and upped the tempo.  And Dagnall was Dagnall.  Tho we can now add ‘goalscoring’ to his repertoire.

Shame Hull managed to p*** over our balloons at the end, putting the full time Championship scores up.  Just as we’re celebrating victory, we get to see all our rivals at the bottom have won. Could we swap the cup wins v Burnley and Hull for 5 extra points, pls?  (We drew at home to Burnley.)  No, scratch that.  Let's go down while winning the cup.  I'll have Luton away in the next round, pls.

I was also talking to Andy about Stroller.  What does Mellis DO?  I decided I’d keep my eye on him for a bit, but it’s like watching paint dry.  Try it.  Honestly, after about 30 seconds I simply got bored.  I can tell you what you already know though – he can’t tackle.  I can handle that he’s hardly a tough guy, but a couple of times he even found himself the wrong side of the man, so once he lost the tackle he was also behind the player as he ran towards goal.  Obviously he doesn’t run back after his man either.  Which leaves the defence-splitting passes which he’s renowned for, which come about once every 4 games (and the rest).  He’s stealing a living, for me.  However, every cloud has a silver lining – apparently he saves the club a fortune in laundry fees cos his kit never needs washing.

Overall, our feeling was we’d definitely recommend an away trip to Hull.  Direct train, decent boozer beforehand (followed by Hicksy’s hoolie-boozer, where no-one wore colours), Tesco next to the train station and a posh hotel bar to celebrate in.  And the pick of the seats on the train back cos Hull’s the end of the line.  Shame we won’t be playing there next season (cos they’re going up, see!?)  And the cutest little 6 year old of them all for company (Lillie).  To whom I’ll leave the final word.  As Lillie climbed all over the seats (she’d taken her shoes off tho), Dad said ‘Lillie, don’t be a buffoon.’  Quick as flash came the retort.

‘But I AM!’

She’s adorable.  If I had a kid, I want that one!