BFC 3-0 Crawley Town, Saturday 4th January 2025

‘I’ve seen documentaries on Hitler and been less horrified!’

Our goal difference is +6. Our goal difference against Crawley this season is +6. Consequently, against the other 22 sides in this division, we have conceded as many as we’ve scored. So let’s not get carried away – Crawley are going down. They are, without any doubt, the worst side I have seen this season. Awful in defence, too expansive in their play (especially out of possession) and hapless in front of goal (they had chances). Make no bones about it, they’re getting relegated. We should have had a hatful. Ignoring the saves Kilip made in the last half hour, this was as comfortable a victory as you’re ever likely to see.

We’d already missed a couple of half chances before Super Jonny Russell opened the scoring. Nwakali (in for Connell – hurrah!) plays in O’Keefe down the right and his low ball is swept home. For half an hour we are fairly rampant, but it’s oh-so-easy. Let’s not nail these hapless opponents. Let’s take it casual, we know we can score when we like. Injury time, and their guy goes down chasing a throughball. Ref blows his whistle, and from the East Stand it looks a penalty. Another week and we’d be looking at all-square at the interval. Just saying. I spend half time thinking this’ll end one-all, or we’ll win by 4 or 5. I’m wrong on both counts.

We race into 3-0 before the hour. Max Watters is clean through, and scrambles the ball through the keeper. His celebration says it all (PHEW!), jammy get. 3 mins later, DKD strides forward and slams it home from 25 yards. Isn’t this what Connell should (occasionally) do? And I’m sure inbetween the 3 minutes between our 2nd and 3rd, Phillips somehow fails to lift the ball over a stricken keeper who went down yesterday. (Seriously, how DID Phillips miss that? The keeper is on the floor, the goal is open...) I might have to re-appraise my half-time score prediction to 6 or 7. But no, Clarke sends the cavalry on to ruin it.

McCarthy comes on for Earl...and is booked within 5 minutes. Roberts and Connell come on for Pines and Russell on 68, Humphreys and Cosgrove for DKD and Watters on 81. Result? Crawley have 3, 4, big, BIG chances to score. The team look like they’ve been feeling sorry for Kilip, problies freezing to death in the rain. Every time they attack, they’re clean through. If they’d scored every chance, they’d be walking away with point(s) and we’d be crying into our beer. Lucky that...(see paragraph 1).

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kilip. Faultless. 3 saves I remember: Crawley, clean through, hit the post...rebound falls to another visitor and Kilip is back up to block. Last minute, sees shot late, somehow diverts it round post. Cross to back post and his own player (Phillips) bullets a header goalwards, tipped over. Kicking an improvement on Wrexham too.
** DKD. To cut and paste Wrexham ‘Looked a threat every time he had the ball and worked hard 2nd half.’ Not forgetting a 25 yard rasper into the far corner.
* Nwakali. The only time he ever lost the ball was in (narrowly) failing to thread throughballs to our attackers. One such ball led to our opener, as his diagonal found O’Keefe on the overlap. And that dragback where he sold 2 Crawley players...love it!

Official MOTM: O’Keefe

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. O'Keefe 2. Nwakali 3. Kilip

Despatches:
All these PA warnings to the Ponty appear to have worked. It was SILENT 1st half. So you can imagine my surprise when Jonesy is complaining that all ifilth is giving him is ‘crowd noise’. It’s great when people take a pop song and change the lyrics (personally, I like to sing ‘Let’s get ready to crumble’ to Ant ‘n’ Dec’s ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble’ (sic) everytime I make said dessert)...but our fans rendition of John Cale’s 4:33 is an earful to behold. Anyway, it was a bit better second half. A bit.

The players? It was good to see Roberts back (I s’pose; been winning without him) O’Keefe continues to be the talisman, setting up another goal and putting in a few other good crosses. Phillips too set up 2 incredible chances I don’t how they were missed. His low cross into the 6 yard box at 0-0 deserved more than DKD missing it and Watters the wrong side of the defender. 2 on 1 and we STILL don’t score. Russell somehow looks suited to playing in an advanced role, though provided possibly the funniest bit of the game (now we’ve won). 10 yards clear, you just KNOW he doesn’t have the legs to finish the job and by their penalty box he’s been overtaken by 3 defenders. He is the very definition of running in treacle. Though between him, DKD and Phillips, they prove you don’t need pace to be good. You need understanding, you need football intelligence, and these 3 have it. And Nwakali behind them. Watters was again another willing runner and holder up of the ball. Cosgrove came on and was, again, hapless. In defence, Gent got more into it the worse we got. I don’t know what that says. Earl again looked confident. The break’s done him good. MdG put them clean through (Kilip saving his bacon) while Pines...Pines. I hadn’t appreciated before today quite how SLOW he is, but in a footrace with a big headstart, only a last ditch tackle saved him. Then there’s his power (or lack thereof). How many times did he get bullied by a bloke half his size* on Satdy? Is it all about the mythical ‘centre of gravity’? Does Pines even HAVE a centre of gravity? Honestly, I understand why we play the big bloke in the middle of a 3, but (when in possession) what you need is a FOOTBALLER not a drunk. Thank goodness Crawley were too awful to take advantage. Have I said how AWFUL they were? Our goal difference of plus 6...etc

*ok, I exaggerate. He was problies more like three-quarters.

Oh, and it was good to see arch long distance runner Jim Armitage on Satdy. Who knew he had a brother!!? (Looks nothing like him.)

Drink du jour: Beartown Inception in Spiral. Bloody nice.

Away: 193. 1st set of away fans this season I never heard. But well done them who flew up from Gatwick to Barnsley International.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Crawley Town 0-3 BFC, Saturday 31st August 2024

‘Mum, I’m NOT autistic.’

Y’know, I like visiting London. And York. And Leeds. And Manchester. Just not in the same day, as I did yesterday while trying to get back home. Took me two and half hours to get to London and six and a half BACK. But at least I got to enjoy a wheat beer in the Piccadilly Tap in Manchester while staring out at the locals getting drenched by one of those downpours we specialise in up here. My train from Kings Cross had been cancelled but I was allowed to choose either of 2 trains either side. So I went for the earlier one…that’d be the emptiest, right? Not so. The small matter of Mags v Spurs meant I squeezed on...and found myself sharing a vestibule with the moaniest and loudest of Spurs fans and a couple of Albanians going north ‘on business’ (their words). I sat on the floor to Peterborough and had to stand from there to York. It says something when you’re more resigned than angry.

Thankfully we won, in the most imperious, boring manner possible, batting Crawley out of sight in the first half before resting on our laurels and admiring our fine work. All on 27% possession, I’m told. Really? Time and again, first half, we cut through them. It could have been 6 or 7. That it wasn’t was due to the usual profligacy. Watters ran clean through and missed. Marsh came on and missed. Phillips hit the post.

We went ahead fairly early, as O’Keefe swung over a corner to the backpost for Pines to head in before pulling up his shirt to reveal ‘Jesus is King’ underneath. That’s brainless on at least two levels, as he received a yellow card for his troubles. (He looked less than impressed when he was subbed later, but what would we have said about the manager if Pines had got himself a second yellow?) Anyway, it gave us a chance to have one-eleventh of ‘a team of Marc Roberts’ which a few in our corner were chanting for.

Two-nil came courtesy of Adam Phillips, coolly slotting the same chance Watters had earlier missed. It was beautiful, making the keeper think he was going to shoot across him and just passing the ball into the keeper’s nearside. Phillips also scored the third, assisted by himself, as he slalomed through their defence before being cleaned out. It was the worst penalty I’ve seen since the one he missed at Forest Green a year or 2 back. Straight down the middle, it went through the diving keeper’s legs. Still, at 3 goals this season, he’s outscoring our centre forwards.

Watters went off early. 9th minute early. Bit harsh, I thought, hauling him that early for that miss, but it seemed he had an injury. Wistfully, I definitely never mused that if it was career ending, we’d at least get some insurance money back on him. On came Marsh to run around for 81 minutes. He’s keen, but I’m with whichever Oakwell historian reckoned he’d end up in Conference North.

Second half, Lofthouse ran clear (saved) and Connell had a 20 odd yard half volley acrobatically tipped round the post, but otherwise it was a non-event. Crawley Town nil, Barnsley three and the demons of yesteryear (2015, 5-1, one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen) were partially exorcised. But one of these teams is clearly in the wrong division.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. A cut above.
** O’Keefe. I think he was meant to be LWB, but got up in support and had a good understanding with Phillips.
* Pines. Scored, had another header over, under no threat at back. Marked down for the t-shirt.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. Craig 3= Cotter/Pines

Despatches:
Slonina had nothing to do. De Givigny had nothing to do. Earl had nothing to do. Cotter had another good game. The midfield worked hard (cos the defence had nothing to do, and chances were created), but I still don’t notice Craig. I’m told he played well, but he’s invisible to me. I’m not saying I don’t rate him, but that I never see him. Don’t ask me what he does, cos I don’t know. Connell was ok, Lofthouse was quiet. And Marsh...Marsh...he tries, bless.

It also never dawned on me till I was in the toilet in the pub after the match (where all my best thoughts appear), but it was my dad’s birthday on Satdy. He’d have been 80. Back in the day when I was gallivanting all round Europe during summer, this last game in August was my first Reds’ game of the season. I can take solace that there’s no way he’d have come down to Crawley. He wasn’t an idiot.

Drink du jour: Juice Junkie IPA (Kent Brewery), Bird House in Your Soul hazy pale ale (Nightjar), DDH Jaipur IPA (Thornbridge) at the Brewery Shades. I wasn’t keen on any of ‘em, so had a couple of celebratory Neck Oils later. Only £7.50 (each).

Away: 847

The Damage:
£18 ent
£21 London-Crawley
£53 The north-London
= £92