Port Vale 0-1 BFC, Monday 28th March 2016

‘Gillingham.  Like Burslem town centre but with more charity shops.’ (not me, the Vale fanzine)

Finally!  A sign!  (A sign I'm lost.)

What is it with me and Port Vale?  Last year I ran the gauntlet of walking from the nearest rail station, Longport (miles away) and this year was even worse.  I cleverly (!) decided I’d go by bus this year.  There must be buses from Stoke to Burslem, right?  Well, not from Stoke-on-Trent railway station there isn’t, but a helpful bus driver advised me to buy an all day rover ticket and change at Hanley (ie, Stoke-on-Trent city centre) and catch a bus from there.  Which I did.  It even said it was going to Burslem.  But it somehow turned off….I saw the ground’s floodlights and expected it to double back through the town centre…but it didn’t and off I went into the countryside (past Chell, for those who know the area) before getting off and waiting for a bus the other way.  On a Bank Holiday.  

1st sighting of ground. Least, I hope it is.

Of course, bus stands in Stoke-on-Trent don’t like to carry any information on when (or if) there might be another bus that day, so after 10 mins waiting, I decided to walk.  It would only be 3 miles or so.  Luckily, a few stops later there WAS a timetable.  One an hour.  I looked at my watch.  There was one due.  Result!  So, I jumped aboard, retraced my steps, and as it turned off for Hanley decided I had to get off – the sign for Burslem pointed in another direction.  It still must have been 2 miles, as I trundled through Tunstall (where?) before spotting Vale Park on top of a hill.  I thought a vale was at the bottom of a hill? Nevermind, it’s not often I get to cross a wooden bridge over a stream to walk to a ground.  I arrived a couple of minutes after kick-off – it had taken me over 2 hours from Stoke-on-Trent railway station.  Christ, it only takes an hour to get anywhere in London (I have scientifically worked this out.  I can get anywhere in London from my house in an hour, honest.)

Old skool turnstiles, new skool fence.

I entered the stadium in time to hear a volley of ‘we’ve got more fans than you’.  This is what division 3 does to us.  We should have our own division betwixt 2^nd and 3^rd, as we’re Lidl (©Keith Hill) in one and Harrods in t’other.  I go and sit right behind the goal, having had to ask permission from a steward to go through the door he was guarding.  (He had to ask his supervisor.)  A quick glance around the pitch suggested we were two up front, a pleasant experiment after Friday’s one-up and no goals v Scunny.  Fletch is back too, which suggests the club were lying or clueless about his eligibility for today’s game.  I’ll go with b).

STOKE OK.  Graffiti outside Vale Park.

There’s an early goal too.  We get a free kick wide right, and as players line up on the edge of the box, one of theirs goes down like a sack of s***.  This will be a recurring theme all day, as players on either side collapse with the ball nowhere to be seen.  After several players ‘discuss’ what the ref should do, he wisely calls the captains together to tell their sides to get a grip.  As I said, it didn’t work.  Then Hourihane curls one in and it somewhere lands in the net.  From our end, it was impossible to tell whether Toney had got a touch to it, but it was later credited to Hourihane: a cross so bad it eluded everyone (only joking, Loko).  A pearler which had the keeper confused.
Thereafter, we hung on for 80 minutes with intermittent breaks.  I have no idea how Port Fail erred, but I’d suggest there’re in for shooting practice this morning.  The shot count says it all; 14-5 to them (3-2 to us on target).  Corners 10-2.  At least we won it on bookings (somehow): 3-1, there’s predictably being ex-Red lunatic Carl Dickenson.  (For those who can’t remember, he was the thuggish on-loan Stokie left back to Shotton’s class RB).

The view from behind the nets.

Davies did however pull off one great save in the 1^st half, tipping a shot wide which was heading towards the bottom corner.  And (for once) his handling was outstanding.  But the stars of the show really were the centre halves.  Who is this Roberts bloke, who has resurrected his BFC career since November and Altrincham?  (I know, the whole team have.)  And Mawson wasn’t giving the ball away like on Friday.  He had midfielders and forwards to do that, as we tried to build up from the back only to give it away cheaply time and time again.  I think we passed the ball 4 times in one move once.  Maybe twice. 

The oldest part of Vale Park.

Yet there was plenty of space, what with Vale piling forward.  Several times we were 3 on 3, but a wrong decision here, a Hammill falling over there, ruined our chances to put this game to bed and finger nails were bitten all the way to the last minute, as yet another Vale shot was pulled wide.

Game over, phew.  0-1.  Now it was time to hide the scarf (the only time I’ve done this all season) to avoid the Vale nutcases.  I found the journey easier going back; up to Burslem city centre for  bus to Hanley, from where I walked to Stoke-on-Trent railway station via a takeaway (2 samosas, £1.20) and an offy.  It was time to celebrate!

One day this'll be finished.  One day.

*** Roberts.  Not only did he win everything in the air, he read the game well, made lots of interceptions and even found his own players.  I’m starting to really like him.  Of course, none of his long throws went to anything in a red shirt – but that’s cos he’s the one who needs to be on the end of those throws.
** Mawson.  Well recovered after Friday’s debacle.
* Davies.  Great save, good kicking and caught everything.

Londontykes' MOTM
*** Mawson
** = Hourihane / Roberts

Despatches: Unlucky not to make my top 3 was George Williams, another top top performance at right back.  Why did we get that Connolly in?  How did Wabara get a game every week?  (How does he get a game at Wigan, now?)  Williams was another reason we didn’t concede.  Some great tackling and covering.  Aidey White meantime was more concerned with helping out the attack…he did well, but when the ball broke down (through other players’ ineptitude) it left him a bit exposed.  The midfield were decidedly average…were they simply swamped cos we had 2 up front?  Hammill had a couple of good runs before falling down when looking dangerous.  Perhaps he needs a trip to the sports shop for new boots (especially after Friday too).  The front 2…Toney (the loanee) and Fletcher (the other loanee) had strange games.  They don’t look like the kind of blokes you wanna mess with, but along with the Vale players, took turns to fall on the floor claiming some form of opposition deviousness.  What was all that about?  5 or 6 times players went down off the ball.  How the ref only found 3 and 4 mins ‘injury time’ each half was up to him.  Coulda, shoulda, been 6 or 7 mins each half (not that I’m complaining).

Bit of a crowd at the far end.

The ref did well though: booed by both sets of fans and recipient of ‘the referee’s a wa*ker’ as yet another Vale player decided to have a sit down and wait for attention.  (What annoyed me on that one was how he was tended to a yard from the byeline, near the goal, but was allowed to casually walk off to the halfway line.  Probably cos we’d called the ref a wa*ker!)

Oh, and Phil (again) missed the train...this time engineering works ruining his attempts to get to that there London, but this was tempered by bumping into Hicksy, fresh from a morning shift at the brewery.

Shame Mi'wa and Bradford also won, but it puts daylight between us and 8th. Carry on winning and we'll reel 'em in!
Onwards and upwards.  You Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Railway Stand (note: no railway anywhere near it)

I’ll leave the last words to Vale fanzine ‘Derek I’m gutted!!!’ who had a quiz about what occupations the division’s managers would have if they weren’t managers.  You had a choice, ‘brain surgeon’ or….

Can you match the possible job to the current or former Reds’ manager (or, in Davis' case, player)?

1. Sweeper up in breakfast cereal factory	a) Paul Heckingbottom
2. Proprietor of specialist adult bookshop	b) Keith Hill
3. Mature student studying for a city and guilds forced to work nights shelf stacking at Aldi.	c) Danny Wilson
4. No win no fee solicitor	d) Steve Davis
5. Night shift security guard at the barrier of an industrial estate who keeps nipping out to stretch his legs.  And have a fag.	e) Mark Robins
6. Man in pub who can get you anything for a tenner.	f)  Lee Johnson
7. Sneaky car park attendant hiding round a corner with his notebook and pen poised.	g) Micky Mellon
8. Man blocking the doorway whilst having a fag outside a betting shop.	h)  Gary Flitcroft

1= Steve Davis                           5= Micky Mellon
2= Gary Flitcroft                        6= Lee Johnson
3= Paul Heckingbottom             7= Mark Robins
4= Danny Wilson                       8= Keith Hill

Away: 854
Drink du jour: a couple of Leffe on the train, FA in town (see earlier) and a bottle of red on the way back. 

The Damage:
29 travel 
22 ent
3 prog
1 ‘zine

The Tunes:
Before We Forgot How To Dream – Soak
30 Something – Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine
Mixmag July ’14  - Scuba
Mixmag June ’14 – Seth Troxler
Parallel Lines - Blondie

Half time panorama

I do like the colours at Vale Park though.