BFC 0-2 Port Vale, Saturday 27th September 2026

‘A sausage roll please.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘No, a sausage roll.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘NO. A SAUSAGE ROLL.’ ‘Oh, sorry, we’re out of buns.’

Has Coach Conor been found out? Is his squad just too limited? Is Plan B (throw on Farrugia at right wing) a deliberate f*** you to the board for providing him with NOTHING else. Cos it can’t be a tactic, surely. Even when he beats his man (down the right, remember) he’s still trying so desperately to get the ball on his left foot that the defender he’s left behind catches him up and puts the tackle in. Anyway, just one of a few exasperated wonderings I had on Satdy as I stared at the green rectangle below.

Conditions were perfect. Beautiful pitch, very little breeze, opposition just outside the relegation zone. Devante Cole their star player (on loan from West Brom’s bench). What could possibly go wrong? Inferior opposition ON A PLATE for our front 4 to rack up a score. They did. Nil.

We had ZERO efforts on target (notwithstanding a couple of blocked shots). McGoldrick, Phillips, Vickers, DKD...nuffing. DKD had a pair of shots blocked, but spent the game giving the ball away. This after Mr Jones senior advocated dropping him, pre-match. McGoldrick looks like the has-been he is. Looks good in possession, does all the right things, but lacks the pace to get by a player to have a shot off. Vickers runs around in (tiny) circles. He’d be in my all-time Reds 5aside team right there. Sadly, we play big man’s football at Oakwell. And Phillips. When he’s not being beyond anonymous, he’s punting it over the bar. (To steal a chant; ‘We forgot that you were here!’ Not even one of his quality trademark crosses (cos when we were in a position to cross the ball, we turned it down.))

That said, we should’ve been one up after 5 minutes, Earl putting a completely free header wide off Connell’s corner. All he had to do was head it straight. Oh. The most promising we looked was in the 5 minutes after Cleary came on. He ran and beat the opposition twice. The third time, their bloke simply blocked him off and gained a free kick. The defender had no interest in playing the ball. Can we please have ‘obstruction’ back as an offence. It’s ridiculous.

At least Cooper was having a good game. Caught everything that came in the box, good distribution (apart from an aberration much later, Shepherd rescuing him with the block) and a save from Devante, 1st half. As the ball was played through, in the air, Cooper came out and got a palm to Devante’s effort. Please don’t let HIM score. Anybody but him.

Second half, a pep talk from Conor and...it got worse. Only one team in it second half. I’ll narrow things down to the saves I remember. Cole breaks left side of goal, Cooper streaks out to smother. Vale are 3 on 2 (from our own pass) and Cole has it on the edge of the box on his own. Takes it early, Cooper dives low to his right. A double save off their big #10 after Shepherd stands and stares at a ball over the top.

Finally, the breakthrough. A throw-in, a flick on, and they’re CLEAN THROUGH. Whatthehell is Shepherd doing now? And how slow is Earl? Cooper narrows the angle, but the ball is played across for a tap-in. It’s been coming.

Conor makes his move. Cleary and Farrugia on for Vickers and DKD. Cleary out left, the old man shunted to centre forward, and Farrugia on the right. We have 4 minutes of dominance before reverting back to self. Russell is sent on to no effect and in jury time they bag the killer second. Connell has it nicked and they strive forward and bury it from 20+ yards into the corner. Once again, it is time to stay in my seat to beat the rush. It’s been awful. Our last effort, a 25 yard Earl effort over the bar neatly bookended his earlier miss. What’s going on when our limited centre half is the one with the efforts (vaguely) at goal?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cooper. Imagine the score without him. Denied Devante 3 times for a start.
** Bland. Tidy, and at least got a sprint on tracking back.
* Connell. Obviously, our play revolves around him so he gets a gazillion touches. Made one great crossfield pass. Saw him sprint once. Really needs to try and MAKE something happen, rather than be content to tippy-tappy it around the area between our box and the halfway line. Herbie Kane Mk II.

I’ve talked myself out of it.

* Cleary. For brightening the game for 3 minutes.

Official MOTM: Cooper

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cooper 2. Bland 3. Ogbeta

Despatches:
I went to the Oakwell Sandwich Shop pre-match for pie and peas. Ran out of peas AGAIN. I was not happy. I should’ve gone home there and then. Had to double back to the chippy near The Mount, at the risk of missing the kick-off. (A risk I was more than happy to take. Unfortunately, service was quick.)

Who was our worst player yesterday? Hot competition. I’d problies go DKD, though honourable mentions for everyone else save Cooper, Bland, Cleary and Yoganathan (who came on too late to make enough mistakes). At least twice we kicked simple square balls out of play. It was crap from front to back.

We have now conceded 10 goals without reply in 3 and a bit games. We have not had an effort on target in our last 2 league games, against sides near the bottom of the table (Blackpoo, Port Fail). We are knocking it around majestically without getting anywhere. Like the glory days of Darrell Clarke, or that Scottish bloke whose name escapes me, the one who put up with Herbie Kane slowing the game down all season...Neill Collins! Christ, we made Devante Cole look the best forward on the pitch. (But at least he didn’t score.)

Drink du jour: Beartown Inception at Spiral.

Away: 1,108 ‘Devante Cole...he left cos you’re sh*t.’ Fair play, I did laugh at that one. I’d have PAID to be rid of Devante.

The Damage:
c.£7 petrol
= c.£7

BFC 3-1 Huddersfield Town, Saturday 30th August 2025

‘Can you smell that? A goal’s coming.’

After the morning I had, I was just grateful to be there, Satdy. Setting off from the delectable surroundings of Castleton in the Peak District, my car was making some awful clunky noises and making a juddering motion. I used all my knowledge of cars, as well as my investigative skills, to determine something tragic had gone wrong with the engine. I limped to a car park and called the AA. Within the hour I was back on the road. The diagnosis? A bolt in the tyre. Not a nail, not a screw, a bl**dy BOLT. Anyway, yeah, yeah, I know nowt about cars.

Something else I know nowt about is golf, but I must’ve listened to the blokes behind me banging on about it for half an hour during that 1st half. ‘And you’ll never guess how many times I’ve had a go at that par 3’. No, I wouldn’t. I’m trying to watch a game here, one we’re actually being vaguely entertaining in, and you’re rattling on about where to buy the best ‘golf grip’. JUST SHUT THE F*** UP. (One of the 2 normally sits in my row and usually doesn’t even offer a grunt when he wants to be past for his half-time beer long before half-time arrives.)

We went one up early, DKD snaffling the rebound after Ogbeta’s cross was fumbled by the keeper. I was relieved for him, he’d missed the same chance a couple of minutes earlier after the keeper fumbled a Connell shot. I’m not sure about this keeper. Then, minutes before half-time, said custodian legs it out of his goal to decapitate McGoldrick outside the box. Fair play McGoldrick, he sees it coming and lobs the ball goalwards despite knowing the keeper is incoming. I’m not sure it needs the 14 rolls though. (Hilariously, on the highlights, he’s still rolling as they cut to a replay.) With 10 mins to the interval, could we nick one before half-time?

Yes, we most certainly could. Connell (who’d only given the ball away twice to provide breaks to Hudds in our half) hits one from the edge of the box through a crowd of players. One kindly deflection and a despairing dive later, it’s two nil. Then I get greedy, could we nick a third? No, though we had the ball in their final third. It’s fair to say that I felt confident, but not supremely so. The champions of England had thrown away a two goal lead against 10 men at the Mags this week, so I’m sure we could do too.

Second half...who had 10 men? For 20 odd minutes we were all over the place and there were plenty of half chances for our Terrier friends. Then Coach Conor sent on the ‘finishers’ (Kelly and Faruggia) for Bland and McGoldrick and we were all over them. Kelly driving from midfield, slick one-touch moves in their third, we were slicing them to pieces. DKD scores a tap-in after one such move, but he’s marginally ahead of the cross, offside. Boooo. Then, just as in the 1st half, he makes up for it within minutes, pouncing on the rebound after Phillips’ blockbuster was saved. ‘He loves a tap-in’ said I. Slack. Yes, he does. But this is to do him a disservice. He’s PROACTIVE, always on the sniff for such chances. What a world away it was when we had Max Watters up front. He’d still be there, somewhere on the backpost, gawping.

This was the queue for the away end to empty. They’d held on at 2-0, as I’m telling you, we gave them hope. So it’s with almost a smile that half of them missed their late consolation as Ogbeta’s backpass was never reaching Cooper. How will Coops ever keep a clean sheet with this defence? It brought a smidgeon of disappointment at full-time, as this could’ve been a chance to score 4 or 5 without reply. Still, I’d have taken 3-1 at 3pm.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Watson. Intercepted passes, made tackles, passed the ball consistently to a Red, got up the pitch. Perfect.
** DKD. Scored 2, had a 3rd narrowly offside.
* Earl. Confident in possession, faultless in defence.

Official MOTM: DKD.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. DKD 2. Watson 3. Earl

Despatches:
Jonathan Bland. Everyone loves him. A world-beater in the making. (I’m surprised none of the Big 6 have been linked.) Even yesterday I saw the messages at HT about what an amazing game he had 1st half, centre mid. I just don’t see it. Or, others didn’t see the 3 times he lost the ball, plus the poor defensive header after McGoldrick’s initial poor defensive header put the ball in his own box. For me, it’s no coincidence we ran riot after Kelly came on. He’s simply more dynamic. He runs FORWARD with the ball, gives and goes, makes things happen. Bland is just...tidy. Let’s see how the season develops, but there you go, I’ve nailed my colours to the mast. I’m now hunkering down for the expected incoming...

McGoldrick. Good job we have a DKD, cos after a couple of games without a goal, McG will soon match Dire, about 1 in 3. I loved his miscontrol when put clean thru on Satdy (by Vickers?), Rammellesque, controlling a ball 20 yards to the keeper. That woud’ve made it 3 nil early 2nd half, and who knows how many we’d have racked up?

I thought we were generally solid, though Shepherd had irked one Reds fan on Praise or Grumble, asking whether ‘he’s trying to be Beckenbauer with all his Cruyff turns’. WTF? Unpick that one.

Vickers continues to be good value. Best loanee since...? The way he turns and spins on a sixpence with the ball, leaving 1, if not 2, defenders dead and then creating space, is a joy. OK, he’s not your typical winger, running down the wing and whipping a ball in, but he’s great. Love him. Watch him be bought in Jan by some Championship side, a la Danny Drinkwater back in the day. (Actually, is he the best loanee since Drinkwater? Maybe.)

Finally, it’s transfer deadline day today. If we’ve any intention of challenging for the play-offs (let’s not get carried away with top 2, we’ve barely got a defence) we absolutely need to keep hold of Phillips and DKD. Let’s see what the ambitions are of our owners. (And for top 2, a pair of decent centre halves, pls, and another centre forward.)

Drink du jour: Back on the Lightbulb at Spiral.

Away: 4,831 (15,783) ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home.’ I live near Huddersfield, so listen lads. Get back on your poxy rail replacement buses (cos your station’s closed for a month), back to your poxy town centre and go buy some vapes, cos there must be a gazillion purveyors of said product within that ring road of yours. ‘People in glass houses’ etc.

The Damage:
c.£20 petrol
= c.£20

plus a new tyre. £95.