Middlesbrough 3-1 BFC, Saturday 10th March 2018

‘Tell everyone you know.  We’ve got the best midfield in the world.’

Welcome to...Middlesbrough of course (Transporter Bridge)

I’ll start with the above chant.  Our vocal element, not usually known for irony or subtlety, were pounding this out to themselves for 5 minutes of the second half. It comes to something when some of our best ‘supporters’ (in the correct sense of the word) are mocking what purports to be the current ‘team’ (in the correct sense of the word).  Of course, it could merely be a sense of nostalgia, you know, for those heady days of long, long ago.  A time when Hourihane, and Scowen, Watkins and Hammill….and even Llllllloyyyyd Isgrove slayed the beasts of the Championship.  A time when bigger (richer) sides were put to the sword in emphatic style.  A time when it didn’t matter who we had up front (ok, it was Winnall), this team could win games.  In short, last season. Instead, what we had 53 mins in was a shambles of a side, three down, bereft of ideas and confidence, and going through the motions towards relegation. Would Boro score 5 or 6?  Well, it depended on how many they wanted. 

It didn't exactly start great.

So much for the half time team talk, nothing had changed since the players returned (ok, Thiam on for Hedges.  As I said, nothing had changed.)  We were AWFUL in that 1^st half.  I’d say the worst this season, though (as much as I’m loathe to say it) I think Boro are a very good side.  In particular, in Adoama Traore, they have a winger nobody could even get near.  So there was no point in trying.  Penniless was skinned at will at left back.  Would anybody help him out?  No. Why risk embarrassing yourself too. Just leave him to it.  And they did.  One little shimmy on the edge of our box, Traore cuts inside and bang!  2-0 and we’re 18 minutes in.  No illusions about winning this game then, and a repeat of Tuesday’s defeat at Cardiff.  I’m not sure we’re good enough to give teams in the top 6 a two goal headstart on their own turf, but that doesn’t stop us trying.

The Boro ultras.

Course, we were losing before I’d even entered the stadium. Was it 48 seconds or something?  It was my fault really, wanting a 2^nd beer at that great little social club on the way to the stadium.  There was no rush – nothing happens in the first few mins anyway.  Stu still had to buy his ticket (£30: bargain.  I bet hard-up Teessiders weren’t paying that in the home end) so as we headed through the turnstiles, a cheer.  Sounded a bit muffled to me.  Was it the Super Reds!?  Had we missed us taking the lead?  Reality dawned as we entered to see repeats on the concourse screens.  F*** me.  1^st minute.  Etc.

It wasn't warm on Teesside either.

We then elected not to leave our half for the rest of the 45, which was great for us, as Boro were kicking towards our end.  The Super Reds are thoughtful like that.  I’m not sure how it remained at two.  I know it wasn’t Townsend diving all over, saving our bacon.  Problies players like Bamford miskicking from superior positions.  

Still, after conversing with our friend from Wakey at half time (he was depressed too), we wasted no time in going three down.  Townsend comes out for a corner, was never going to get there (he’s too bloody short!)…didn’t get there…and the ball comes off Bamford’s knee and trickles in from 6 yards.  I guess we’re going in for some of that there ‘zonal marking’ everyone’s on about, where you don’t mark the man and don’t bother putting a man on the post. (Actually, with Davies and Townsend in goal, would it be worth experimenting with 11 on the line, cos neither can come out and claim a ball.)  Anyway, more grist to my argument; if we stay up (ha ha haaaaaa) we need two new goalkeepers. If we go down, Davies needs a back-up.

Match action.

Three-nil, game over, fans mocking the team (who’re probably unaware of it, given none of the ‘best midfield in the world’ are even on the pitch at this point) and our goal difference looking like it’s about to be blown to pieces.  Then, guess what? We have a shot.  Gardner, from 20 odd yards.  The keeper is so surprised, he lets it cannon off him, and Moore heads the rebound into an empty net.  Christ, I can’t believe it.  We’ve scored.  MOORE’S scored.  (I never thought I’d see the day.)  The fans regale the team with disbelieving chants of ‘we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal’, followed by a chortling round of ‘we’re gonna win 4-3.’  It was funnier in the Premiership.  Boro, a la Villa, don't appear to like showing action replays on the big screen of their team conceding. How very petty.

Pulis prowls the touchline.

Boro go to pieces.  The manager throws on Isgrove.  Crosses are whipped into the Boro box.  Moore stands just outside it.  (Stu kept wondering why Moore insisted on standing in the wrong place, not even making an effort to move.  I couldn’t tell him. Anybody?)  With 11 mins to go, (even Mallan is on now), a corner from the aforementioned is curled to the back post.  Moore makes the connection.  He can’t miss.  Oh, he has.  Off the post.  No bad luck about it.  Unmissable – and there goes our chance of salvaging something.  We even have time to have the usual penalty appeal turned down, as apparently it isn’t a foul to pull McBurnie back as he runs around you. 

Pulis prowling, Morais...dejected?  

Yes, I’m not sure how that happened, how we nearly made it to nearly…cos believe me, Boro were head and shoulders above us.  (I thought the same in the game at Oakwell, but we BATTLED that day.)  This is my first view of the Super Reds under the new coach, and I’m far from impressed.  If I was him, I’d be looking on my sat-nav and checking out how to get to Oldham, Fleetwood, Walsall and the rest.  Yet, just to emphasize how s*** you can be in this division and still have a chance of staying up…the others around us lose again and we’re STILL not in the bottom 3.  Just what is the lowest points tally of a team staying up?  I’m sure this season will surpass it, cos I have not seen a bottom 4 (5, 6, 7) as bad as what is being witnessed this season, that’s for sure.  Two flukey wins and we’re safe.  Starting with Norwich tomorrow nite, a free hit if ever there was one.  COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Onwards and upwards!

Looking toward the far end.

*** No-one.  Be serious for a minute.

** Isgrove.  Came on for half an hour.  Ran at players, got crosses into the right areas.  No-one there.  What a waste of time.

* Mallan.  Fine, I’m mainly basing this on his renowned deadball delivery, but it IS rather good.  Shame he has to try and find a Barnsley player.  (See above: ‘what a waste of time’.)

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. No-one  2. No-one  3= No-one/Isgrove

Despatches:

I’ll start with Kajagoogoo in midfield.  Who IS that bloke?  Plays like a s*** George Moncur.  Ah, right, it’s our new signing, Krasmuller or somesuch.  If there was a wrong ball to be played, he played it.  He’s either Mike Sheron, on a different level to everyone else, or he’s Mike Sheron.  S***.  (Hopefully the former.)  Gardner and Williams ran around being s***.  When one plays, he’s generally very good.  When the pair of them are there, it’s the opposite.  Two pluses making a negative?  That Cavare must be some player.  Cos Yiadom can’t get a game.  Christ on a bike.  Penniless improved 2^nd half.  Well, he had to.  Good to see Jackson back (against his old team, to boot) though he wasn’t great.  Lindsay wasn’t too bad (this is all relative).  Hedges was dogs***.  Did he even touch the ball before being brought off.  Worst right winger in the world.  Here’s a clue: he can only kick a ball with his LEFT foot.  I’d try playing him on the left.  (I am a true radical.)  Thiam came on at half time.  I told Stu that he charges about, runs at players, gets the fans excited, delivers nothing.  Well, I was right on the last point.  Moore lacked presence, which is impressive for a GIANT.  McBurnie remains our only hope.  But you knew that already.

ps, I f***ing hate the countryside.  Without boring you to death, it took me 3 hours after the match to cover the 16 or so miles from Middlesbrough to north-east epicentre Ferryhill, via public transport.  P***ing it down, as well.  I did though return to The Smoke with three (count ‘em!) pots of pease pudding.  Yum!

Home time.  One last shot.

Drink du jour: A couple of pints of IPA for the Captain, PA for me, and one measly beer for Stu, who was driving back to Oxfordshire later.  (Clever timing – or poor -  Stu was up here for business.)

Away: 1,037.  Decent vocal support, considering the lack of product.

The Damage:
£8 Megabus up
£54 train back
£3 prog
£30 ent
£10.30 two poxy buses from Smoggyville to Ferryhill
= £105.30

The Tunes:
Silver or Lead (Ursula Rucker)
Let Them Eat Chaos (Kate Tempest)
All Melody (Nils Frahm)
The Digging Remedy (Plaid)
Northumbrian Voices (Kathryn Tickell)
Uh Huh Huh (PJ Harvey)

Riverside panorama.