Forest Green Rovers 1-5 BFC, Saturday 15th April 2023

‘I’m a very good vegetarian and a very bad vegan.’

I could almost get used to this. Beer and food on tap. Nice view, away from the hoi polloi. Cake at half-time. Pics with the mascot (not the child, what was she…some dragon type thing? Is the Forest of Dean known for its dragons?). The Mags getting beat on the TV screen. The Super Reds having a stress free afternoon, cruising to victory against inept opposition. Yes, it was all (mostly) very nice in the exec box at The New Lawn (great name!)

I make no apologies for being a week late. What I can remember now is roughly what I remember at 5pm last week….ie, not much. ‘Drink was taken’ to quote a certain Londontyke. And it comes to something when you’re having a can of wine at half-time, presumably cos the proper drink was drunk. Well, I had to wash down the taste of that half-time cake somehow. What had the appearance of a chocolate ball, covered in coconut was ….was….I’ve no idea. I took 3 (small) bites (2 more than everyone else who tried one) to ascertain what the hell it was and was still no wiser. Did it contain peanuts, did a serving wench say? Not nice. The coffee didn’t taste of coffee either. Yet surely this is the most vegan of drinks?

That’s not to say it wasn’t all nice. The ‘chilli not carne’ (see what they did there?) was half decent, and I didn’t have to put up with mushroom soup, a la Accrington Stanley. But given the state I was in, I don’t think salad leaves and sweet potato chips (or whatever they were) quite did the job. Gimme the Oakwell fayre of pie, chips and mushy peas every time!

The match? I’ve still not seen the highlights, but I remember we went ahead early with a header from a corner. Tedic? Then Norwood bagged a header from a corner. How are we scoring from headers despite having no-one who can head a ball? (I’ve since seen that as of two days ago we have scored the most headers in the division. Crazy.) Indeed, FGR were so bad, they let Phillips score. Credit due, he did well to keep his shot down as he drove it through a crowd of players, a slight deflection doing for the keeper. Half-time, 3-0, job done. I’ll be honest, I’d have preferred a little more jeopardy in my viewing, but there it is.

Second half, game going nowhere, and one of our players falls down in the box. I cannot believe the ref awards a penalty, though how typical is this? We wait over a year to get a spot kick and we’re awarded one needlessly and unfairly. It’s no use giving us a penalty at three nil at Forest Green. We needed it after 10 minutes at Burton when the bloke saved it on the line! I don’t do gratitude. So you can imagine how much I enjoyed the worst Reds penalty since Kevin Betsy’s identical powder puff sidefoot at home to Hartlepool…when?....circa 2004? Nearly 20 years ago. Somehow, the keeper manages to spill it and Adam Phillips (guess who took the pen!) gobbles up the rebound from his own ineptitude. We allow them one back (handily, I can’t remember this goal) before someone….was it Jordan Williams…hits a low cross for sub Devante Cole to bundle in. I’d love to play Forest Green every week, but it’d get very boring very quickly. Hasta la vista, Rovers. Relegated after one season.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Ran the game, set up the two openers, good night Rovers.
** Phillips. The Enigma bags two. Did I say they were crap?
* Kitching. No idea, but everyone else said Kitching, so I’ll go….Kitching.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Connell 2. Phillips 3. Kitching

Despatches:
We stayed the night in Stroud. (I keep wanting to call it ‘Shroud’ but that’s something else.) Our pub crawl consisted of one drinkery and Brewdog. Funny that (with a Brewdog employee in tow). Yearning for food, I had to wait till closing, but at least the kebab shop did shish. And it’s taken me a week, but can I apologise to Slacki, who’d headed back early cos he had an early start and 12 hours of rehearsals? I couldn’t help jumping on him in bed*. I was inebriated. Sorry Ian.

*for the benefit of any doubt, we weren’t sharing a room.

I dunno if the rest of you saw this, but we condemned Forest Green to their first relegation since 1954-55. 68 seasons without going down. That’s some record. Am I on my 3rd or 4th…or 5th relegation with the Super Reds? Premiership, 98/99, the Mitch Ward/Bruce Dire/Chris Morgan awfulness from the Championship, last season’s even worseness (30 points?) and there’s definitely another one inbetween those last 2, but that side were obviously not even memorable in relegation.

Drink du jour: Drink. And more drink.

Away: 1400.

Today’s take home: I love 3rd division away days!

The Damage:
£70 ent
c. £40 petrol
= £110