Bolton Wanderers 2-3 BFC, Tuesday 7th May 2024

‘Just let Hicksy do the talking.’

Sat in a Toby Carvery beer garden (patio!) waiting for my lift to appear while having no phone coverage wasn’t ideal prep for last nite. Especially as Loko and crew were half an hour late. Had they missed the junction? Were they coming? At what point do I just jump in my car and drive to the Toughsheet Stadium (yes, it really is called that), on the offchance? What a time for my transfer between mobile suppliers to take place. Thankfully, I have a brainwave and go indoors for wifi. They are alive and well and…stranded in traffic. Well, it IS the M62 in rush hour.

We get there as the game kicks off. What are those cheers? Those groans? (I hear they had a goal disallowed.) I enter the fray as Sam Cosgrove is taking the ball around the keeper. Since he’s taken the ball away from the keeper, shielding it from him, surely the keeper has just taken him out? Isn’t that a penalty? Can someone remind me how Bolton got given a penalty the other nite? The appeal is waved away. I presume I must’ve been seeing things, my eyesight still acclimatising to the action, so it couldn’t possibly have been a pen.

Besides, the tie is gone. It doesn’t matter. We’re two down from the first leg and without the proverbial clue. We’ve lost the last 4 away games and the team hasn’t simply deteriorated during the last 2 months, it has completely and utterly fallen apart. So it doesn’t matter. Everyone is expecting another capitulation. Roberts has pulled off one diving save and Bolton are looking the more likely when we bound into their box. McAtee shrugs off the defender and chips a delicious ball over the keeper for Cosgrove to power home from virtually under the bar, no mean feat when he had Donovan Pines to fend off. (Well, it looked like him.)

1-0 and the upper tier of the South Stand goes wild. It’s been a raucous affair in the Toughsheet and for 5 blissful minutes the noise was ours. The goal had obviously unnerved the home support. We continued to press, but I said I’d be happy if we could just crawl to half-time at one nil. Famous last words. We’re on 43 minutes and have plenty of men back. Problem is, they all just stand there, allowing Bolton’s January £800k signing a free shot from 25 yards. Personally, I didn’t think the shot was all that special. Is Roberts incapable of saving ANYTHING from outside the box? That was my initial thought after the month our players’ player of the season has had. It’s in the corner, but come on, move your feet man!

Worse is to come in injury time as Roberts comes flapping, the ball is headed across goal and they head in. What did I say last match about his inability to come and claim it at corners? The players’ heads visibly drop and there’s double teapots everywhere as they head back to the centre circle. In the space of two minutes we have not only lost the lead, but are losing. Well, it was nice to have a modicum of hope earlier. Normal service has resumed. Hicksy, having disappeared for a beer, probably thinks we’re still winning.

What wise words did Disco lace the dressing room with at half-time? I dunno. ‘More of the same’? For nearly twenty minutes the game is going nowhere. Then it happens. Inspirational substitutions. Who doesn’t want to see Cotter, Cole and Grant come on? Errr...no-one. I’m irate. Even Disco’s subs are the same as Coach Collins. Left back Cadden is hauled so a right back (O’Keefe) can take his place. McAtee is hooked for Cole. God help us. The one bright spot is the pedestrian Kane being hauled on his final appearance for the Super Reds. We might as well stay down gambling.

What happens beggars belief. We run at them, we storm up the pitch, we are TRANSFORMED. Cole panics Pines into giving him the ball, nods it to Cozzy, who plays it on to an overlapping Phillips who SCOOOORRRRES. Even though it’s at the far end, the whole scene pans out before us and we’re screaming for Phillips to be given the ball. We’ll ignore the deflection. I’m sure it was going in anyway! We have half an hour to score two goals (as long as we don’t concede any). Can we? Can we?

By now the fans are starting to believe. After 2 months off, the team are finally showing up. Connell chops down their forward as he chases back. No free kick. Within a minute we have scored. Grant picks up the ball where Kane used to stand, but instead of playing it back or square, dinks a little ball over the top for Cosgrove to ghost onto and head across the keeper into the far corner. Pandemonium. Bolton are proper panicked. They kick off and hoof the ball to the far left…where no-one has dared step forward, fearing the counter.

Do we have chances to take it to extra time? O’Keefe turns and curls a ball down the line and Cole gets his head down, strips the defender for pace and he’s in. The ball is cut across to Cosgrove, seemingly in space. Can he? Will he? Looked a good chance, but I’m told a deflection wrongfoots him. Another cross has Cosgrove not reaching it but an outstretched leg at the far post clearing the goal by some way. We are so, so close, but Bolton hang on and they keep possession with a succession of throw-ins to see out the last couple of minutes. The tie is gone. That penalty? It doesn’t matter. Of course it doesn’t.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cosgrove. Superb leading of the line. Won everything in the air, once he’d dropped off Donovan Pines in the middle and bullied the other defender(s) into submission. ‘Where’s he been all season?’ I read on social media. ‘On the bench, while we persist with Cole’ I couldn’t be bothered to reply.
** Connell. Definitely auditioning for that Bolton transfer. Tackling, running back, neat turns wrongfooting opponents, picking passes. Yours for £1.5m.
* Phillips. Always looked a threat. BOGOF?

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cosgrove 2. Phillips 3. Connell

Despatches:
I saw Barnsley’s 2 latest celebrity fans last nite. Jon Parkin, now more famous for his ‘Undr the Cosh’ podcast than playing football. He was there, with his Cosh crew (one of whom is a Trotter, so they were in the away end at Oakwell...and the away end tonite). The other one was local boxer Callum Simpson. I know it was Callum Simpson cos he had a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘Callum Simpson’. Who does that? Also, someone called him Cal. I wouldn’t know him from Adam (Phillips?) They’re not very big these boxers. Least he wasn’t.

Anyway, well done the Super Reds, at least got a bit of pride back. It’s been a strange season. We’ve scored over 100 goals whilst playing some seriously dull football. How does that work? We’ve made the play-offs while looking poor for the most part. We’ve sacked a manager while 5th with a week to go. We’ve had a centre forward score 16 by Xmas and 2 thereafter. We’ve had 2 players named in 442’s ‘best 50 EFL players’ who I wouldn’t even have in our starting XI. We have criticised the supply while crosses reign in. We have criticised centre forwards who were top scorers in the division. We have complimented defenders even as goals poured in against us. We have marvelled at Barry Cotter. It has been an odd season, but I’m glad it’s over. We’ve earned a rest even if some of the players haven’t.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drink du jour: Stella in the Toby Carvery.

Away: c.2,000

The Damage:
£20 ent
£8 parking
= £28

BFC 1-3 Bolton Wanderers, Friday 3rd May 2024

‘It smelt so nice. You could tell he hadn’t run about much.’

Was there anything about Friday which surprised anyone? Never in the history of play-offs has a team’s support entered them so devoid of hope. Expectation, plenty. Hope, none. Expectation of goals (for them), expectation of a heavy defeat, expectation of money saved on a wasted trip to Wembley. Expectation (after last Satdy’s debacle against Northampton) that nothing had changed, or would change, on the pitch, in sacking Coach Collins, and that #2 ‘Disco’ Devaney is merely Coach Collins without the gruff Scottish accent and ginger hair. We were not disappointed. As someone said on social media ‘those who watched it on telly chose wisely’.

The crowd was 1,300 down on the Northampton game, despite Bolton bringing 2,000. That tells you all you need to know about the faith of the Barnsley public. It’s a good job we have plenty of money though, as we refused to give Bolton any more tickets. That’s nearly 4,000 extra sales we’ve turned our noses up at. At an average of £15 a ticket, that’s £60k…plus whatever in pies and programmes. Just remember that when we sell MdG in the summer. All for some perceived slight advantage. That worked. (Maybe it did? Kept the score down.)

It was the same side as usual. Same formation. Same tactics. Jordan Williams part of a back 3. Kane strolling around centre mid. Devante Cole up top. Same old, same old. What’s the point? I’m hungry and Cole has gone down injured, so I go for a pie. I hear the cheer and I know – I’ve missed the visitors scoring. Apparently, it’s a sweet move ending in a cross bundled home from close range. And it’s offside. Sadly (!) we’ve yet to have VAR foisted upon us in division 3 (until the final, at least, where it will demonstrably not be used correctly) and the goal stands. I’ve seen it in replay, and the angle I’ve seen is inconclusive. But I can say it was no surprise, as Bolton were playing us off the park and we never had a shot that opening half.

Still, another inspirational half-time team talk from Coach Collins Devaney brings the expected result – we are 2 down within 7 minutes. It’s a disaster too, as the whole ground can see what’s coming. Despite an unkind bounce, Jordan is determined to head it back to the keeper. He knows it, we know it, and, crucially, their centre forward knows it. (Roberts knows it too, but doesn’t know where to stand.) The header is predictably short and the centre forward nips in to clip it wide, before crashing in to the keeper. For me, this is a simple coming together. I was actually surprised the ref gave a penalty. Where’s this VAR thing everyone’s on about? 0-2, though Roberts did get a hand to it.

By now, we are all over the place. Disco considers his options for a time, then receives the biggest cheer of the night for hauling Cole. On comes Cosgrove. Kane is hauled too (quelle surprise) for a 4th division loanee. In a play-off semi. That’s how bad it was. Suddenly, we have a player capable of winning headers and holding a ball up. Grant plays Cosgrove in and it’s 1-2! Bl**dy hell. We’ve half a chance here. A header from a corner (Phillips?) is tipped wide by a diving keeper. Bolton are penned in their own half but we’re unable to make further inroads. Still, a rare break needs Roberts to rescue us with a one-on-one save. Phew, still in it.

Then, in the 5th minute of injury time, The Trotters get a killer 3rd. A corner is swung in, everyone misses it, and it nestles inside the far post. I’ll say this: in a similar position, we wouldn’t have scored it, cos we’d be tippy-tappying down by the corner flag (see last game) trying to waste time rather than putting one in the mixer. Of course, Phillips was rugby-tackled. Of course, the keeper is obstructed. But I’ve seen it half a dozen times and Roberts is weak. He almost allows himself to be reversed into the goal. Besides, when was the last time you saw him come out and claim a corner? He wasn’t getting that. No, my ire is reserved for the other 9 Reds players, all of whom allowed a ball to pass through them and into the goal. I keep hearing folk say we do zonal marking down at Oakwell, but that’s not what I saw. Everyone goes with their man and completely ignores the ball. It was a fitting way to finish. We were dismal and Bolton deserved a two goal lead and more. The disappointment lay more in the MANNER of the goals conceded. All three had a claim to being chalked off. Together with the controversial last minute penalty equaliser they got at Oakwell 2 months ago, I am starting to really despise this bunch. EVERYTHING goes their way from the men in black.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cosgrove. Coach Devaney even makes the same SUBS as Collins! I’d laugh, but I’m saving my facial muscles for something funny.
** Connell. Showed glimpses of his old form. Hopefully some scouts were there.
* O’Keefe. Outstanding 1st half, ‘marish 2nd.

Official MOTM: Cosgrove. Wasn’t even on the pitch for half an hour. I said it was bad.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cosgrove 2. Connell 3. Phillips

Despatches:
Last Monday the club announced the POTY, Adam Phillips. Not bad, considering he didn’t appear till January. As this coincided with Devante disappearing, I have a theory that they’re one and the same player. Who here has ever seen Adam Phillips and Devante Cole in the same room? Exactly!

Aidy Marsh was young player of the year, while the players’ player of the year was Roberts, who hasn’t had a decent game since...? It is a low bar this year, as exemplified by us making the play-offs – all the decent teams got promoted last season.

Good to see some fight down at Oakwell too, though, sadly, it was youths in the Ponty reigning punches down on some fool who’d infiltrated our end. Beyond unseemly though was the sight of teens hanging over the gangway to spit at said individual as he was bundled out for his own safety. This is not what stewards, on a minimum wage, signed up for. Disgusting. (I don’t remember hearing an announcement about it; maybe this kind of behaviour is somewhere below besmirching the IRA and the Pope in the Oakwell pecking order?)

As for hopes and expectations…last season, you had to beg, borrow and scrape for a play-off ticket in the away leg. This year, they’re still on sale. Who’s up for the comeback of the century!? See you there.

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramah’s.

Away: 2,159 (sellout). Don’t get me started.

The Damage:
£20 ent (+ £1 processing fee)
c.£8 petrol
£25 half price home shirt
£4.50 socks
£8 mug
£4.30 meat and potato pie
= c.£70.80

Donny Races, Thursday 2nd May 2024

Donny Races, Doncaster Racecourse, att. c.250

It pays to have friends in high places. This evening I’m being offered the chance of a visit to Donny races as part of an owners’ syndicate. Brilliant! I don’t even like horse racing. But when you’ve a 2 course complimentary dinner and great company, who cares!?

I’ve been to see the nags once. My other half is from Newmarket, ‘the home of horseracing’ (even our horse today is trained there) and we visited with a friend of hers, years ago. After seeing the same race 6 times (from the top of the hill to the bottom) we left without seeing the seventh. You’ve seen 6, you’ve seen ‘em all. Weirdly, Newmarket has 2 courses...and I learnt tonite that I was at the poor man’s course. ‘But how does the July course make money if it’s only used in July?’ ‘It isn’t.’

I learnt a lot tonite. Like, if your nag isn’t winning (our 2nd favourite came 5th of...7?), give it a couple more races then geld it. Whatthehell is ‘gelding’? If you don’t know, stay ignorant. Suffice to say, telling me you’ll cut my balls off if I don’t beat Usain Bolt won’t make me actually beat Usain Bolt. It might make me TRY harder, but how will a horse know?

As I said, we were in the owner’s enclosure, a hospitality suite on the 2nd or 3rd floor overlooking the course. Not that you can see the whole track. Half the course is the other side of the trees. I’m reminded of those big gigs where you can’t see the band on stage, so you watch them on a large screen. Still, there’s commentary, and, indoors, it’s not too obtrusive. Indeed, it’s so unobtrusive I don’t even know races are on, and tend to only see them as they’re coming past the winning post (on the screen, natch).

We go out for one race. THE race. This is both a disappointment and a boon. Boon in that I’d put horse racing up there (down there?) with Formula 1 and golf, but a disappointment as, actually, I’d have liked to see another race, especially one I’d no horse in (pun intended). The one I did see was with the other owners (‘other’...I can get used to that!) as our passes got us into the parade ring before a chat with the jockey. What’s his hopes? Tactics? I felt for him as the horse trailed in somewhere behind the leaders (lost by 20 lengths, I’m told later). Who else in their job has a post mortem for 15 minutes after they’ve put in a shift? I spared him my two’pennorth.

We had climbed back up the stand for the race. An early evening meet at Donny was sparse to say the least, but it didn’t stop any steward from demanding my pass. There’ll be no roaming for the hoi polloi round here. (Out of interest, do you think my pass will work again? They only glanced at it. Is it a different colour each meet?)

I asked if there was a dress code. ‘Smart casual’ I was told. Words that bring me out in cold shivers. Smart? Fine. Casual? I can do casual. But WTF is ‘smart casual’? I’m not one for wearing jackets over sensible trousers and pointy little shoes. Or dressing up as a Peaky Blinder. So I wore brown dress shoes, black jeans (owned for 20 years and worn perhaps 3 times), with a Liberty print shirt. Coat with a hole in. Well, it’s smart casual, innit? No-one mentioned the coat. Impeccable society. I enjoyed it! My favourite bit? I dunno, I wouldn’t want to upset anybody, but stroking the (losing) horse after the race and finding it lathered in sweat both pleased and surprised me. He was a magnificent beast, and the stablelad won 50 quid for best turned out horse. He was a beauty. Just don’t cut his knackers off. Please.

The Damage:
free ent
c.£30 round for 4
£8 taxi
£22 train
= c.£60

*despite the sweat, the horse ‘wasn’t even blowing’. He’d put no effort in when the jockey ‘went to make a challenge’ and so his future has been decided. He’ll be gelded before his next meet, poor thing.