Sunday 12 March 2023

BFC 3-0 Plymouth Argyle, Saturday 11th March 2023

‘Can we play you every week?’
In what is our latest ‘crucial’ game, we play host to Plymouth Argyle. Only a win will do if we’re to retain hopes of coming 2nd (tho since when did Ipshit start winning?). Draw, and I don’t see any way we’ll catch Argyle. Even a win and we’re unlikely, given their run-in. We take them to pieces.

The first half was even, an entertaining and high quality game though lacking in actual chances. We score early, as Kane blasts home from 12 yards. But no, offside given against Norwood in the build-up. If only we had VAR! Let’s just say it was close. Our usual slick moves make inroads into their half, but the finish isn’t there. The closest we came was a low Phillips cross to the front post and Cole a whisker away from connecting. He’s always a whisker away, which comes from not being a natural finisher. Lineker, Ian Rush….Super Sammy Winnall, they’d have snaffled that like a member of Weightwatchers staring at a Ferrero Rocher. (I sit here staring at a box of Ferrero Rocher.) Another amazing cross from Phillips, a half volleyed hook from near the corner flag gets zero reward. We also have no-one who can head a ball up top.

2nd half, all change. ‘Taxi for Argyle!’ Well, not quite. We ride our luck as Mads completely misses a long ball forward from their Virgil Van Dyke-alike* and they’re clean through. The ghost of Andy Rammell bears down on the centre forward, who doesn’t quite know what to do and confusedly dribbles it up to the keeper. I think it was their last kick of the ball. On the hour, Phillips takes the ball at the edge of the box, steps back, sets himself and drills a low one in from 20 odd yards. FINALLY I have seen The Enigma score. (This was about 5 minutes after I sent a WhatsApp message about Phillips continued inability to hit the target when I’m there….a header 15 yards wide, and another 2 yards high.) A quality strike.

*looked like him, didn’t play like him.

And such was the faith Duff has in this team that before we scored our killer second, he’d taken off Phillips and Norwood, replacing them with Benson and Tedic. I’m sure the person to my right wasn’t the only one questioning this. Phillips and Norwood had been outstanding and we’re playing a side who’re second. No matter.

A quarter of an hour or so later, a half-cleared corner is whipped back in by Bobby Thomas and Mads is in acres of space at the back post to head in. Like Norwood the other night against Pompey, Mads was stood there forever on his own, but the ball in was superb. We are CRUISING and it’s party time at Oakwell. As Plymouth start slinking out, the Ponty are asking the East and West Stands for a song – and getting one! What is happening!!??

Player of the Match (DON’T start me) Harry Herbie Kane is hooked, as is Connell, (Player of the Season thus far, surely). What happens? We score another. Luke Thomas is on and runs at their defender before falling/diving 4 yards into the box. Now, I’m not sure it was a foul, but once the ref gives it as such, surely it’s a penalty. I don’t care whether the initial contact might have been outside the box, it certainly continues inside….Luke Thomas makes sure it does. The ref awards a free kick. We will never, ever, get a penalty (see later). Cadden curls it into the top corner. YOU BEAUTY!

Rumour has it this is a side bearing down on promotion. But hold on, let’s not get carried away. It’s a crucial game this Satdy, at play-off chasing Wycombe. After that, a crucial home game with local rivals and league leaders Washday. Then another crucial game as Ipshit visit us. Crucial? Every game’s crucial!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kane. After Mowatt and Kane, which hapless midfielder do we have to loan out to Oxford next? Kane was involved in EVERYTHING, gets up and down, makes the passes, puts in the tackles…and was unlucky not to score. Well, he did score, but you know what I mean…
** Jordan Williams. Up and down, up and down. We have done it again – making a profit on a player and replacing him with someone better.
* Mads. Magnificent 1st half. And finally scored. I’ll forget the aberration.

Official MOTM: Kane

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kane 2. Connell 3. Andersen

Despatches:
Isted in goal dropped a couple, 1st half. But at least we didn’t have to put up with Collins’ timewasting antics. Perhaps having a keeper who gets on with it keeps up the momentum further up the field. Just a thought. Kitching and Thomas were massive in defence. It takes guts to hold the line while Argyle keep trying to thread a ball through. How many times did we catch them offside? Cadden kept possession well and scored a second consecutive blinder. Connell, Phillips and Kane. What a midfield 3. The only danger today was Connell’s early booking taking the aggression away for the rest of the game. It didn’t. And up front, Norwood carried on from Tuesday. That inability to get on the end of Phillips’ cross apart, I thought Cole was playing well, so not sure why he was replaced at half time by Watters, who managed to have 2 shots while simultaneously being anonymous. Still, he fills a space and takes defenders’ minds away from the better players in our team.

This penalty thing. Did you know today (Sunday) is our anniversary? It’s exactly a YEAR since we were awarded a penalty. (Thanks to P. Waddington for that.) We are 4th in the league, one of the highest scorers, and yet we have managed to avoid being given a penalty all season. The Goals For suggests we DO make it into the opponents box….and I’m sure there’ll be a stat somewhere about how often we’re in their box. Yet somehow, SOMEHOW, we have not even benefited from one of those ‘50/50’ decisions I keep hearing about.

'Hey Jude' at full time. What's that all about? 'THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN' FFS, after a victory. And I love The Beatles. Let's have a bit of Rocky Raccoon. Or Tomorrow Never Knows. Or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. But this is dirge. Hearing it through our PA system is like listening to a bunch of Brummies in a pub singalong. Hey, Mr DJ - you've played it pre-match, leave it there. Instead, picture yourself in a boat on a river. With tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly....

Oh, and my pre-match meal. The other night I had fish, chips and mushy peas. How much? Have a guess. How much is fish and chips in BARNSLEY? Precisely, how much is fish and chips (and mushy peas, let’s not forget the mushy peas) at the chippy across and down from the cinema? OK, it’s had a refurbish. And I hear electricity is more expensive these days. A tenner. You read that right – A TENNER. Cost of living crisis, food and hospitality struggling….I refer the dishonourable Londontykes to my comments after going down to that there London for Charlton – I realise some industries are struggling, but I didn’t realise I had to rescue them on my own. Last time I was here, it was less than 6 quid. So I had pie and peas (with mint sauce) from the Oakwell Sandwich Shop….and didn’t realise that as I walked through the Ponty car park, I was slowly covering myself in mushy pea juice, seeping out from the polystyrene container (f*** the turtles and everything else currently living in our oceans). I was wearing so much green I could have been a Plymouth fan. I think it now has to be part of my pre-match ‘lucky’ routine.

Drink du jour: Inception IPA. Dee-lish. With Special Guest Star Miriam, up from Brighton for her 1st home game since before Covid. (I’m a bit gutted she didn’t have to share the pain of last season.) You can tell who these serious real ale drinkers are though – Miriam had 2 different half pints!

Away: 1,496. Tremendous. Their official supporters coaches were due to set off at 6:15am….with a pitch inspection at 10. Listen lads, if we don’t nick 2nd, I hope youse do it.

Today’s take home: It’s on.

The Damage:
c.£32 travel (petrol)
= c.£32

The Tunes:
Huey Morgan (BBC 6Music)
Gilles Petersen Worldwide (BBC 6Music)
Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show (with Stuart Maconie) (BBC Sounds)

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