BFC 1-0 Sheffield United, Tuesday 27th August 2024

‘Do you think the Victorians called The Victorian Arcade ‘The Victorian Arcade?’’

The youth didn’t look too healthy. What was he? 17? 18? It was difficult to tell, given that he was leant over the toilet trough, his head leaning against the metal wall, his hands desperately holding on to the ledge of the p***er. I pity the poor lad’s mate who’d have had to take him home, stinking of urine. Please tell me he had a mate. ‘This doesn’t happen in the East Stand’ I said to another smirking middle-aged bloke.

Yes, I was in the Ponty with the idiots last nite. Fancied a change. See how the other half live. And as the Blunts pressed for an equaliser late on, I didn’t know if the fact I could barely see the far end was a help or a hindrance. For the first time in a long time I was actually invested in the result. The team was MAGNIFICENT as it battled to victory against the big city higher division neighbours. Plus they silenced a full away end very early on. I don’t think I could have stood 5,000 crowing Blunts (I said ‘Blunts’, not ...)

I said I was with the idiots. I would have been – but one had already nicked my seat, back row. To hell with it, I’ll go and sit with Wadd. I could be the new Molly! But some others had nicked that seat too. All this in a stand that was less than half full. Still, I’m forever banging on that unreserved seating in the Ponty is at the heart of improving the atmosphere at Oakwell. Well, it did last nite! Mind, if I have one regret, it’s not swapping seats with Wadd at half-time,and given my right ear a break. Christ, he talks, and Christ, very little is about the match in front of him. Molly owes me one.

The opening half undoubtedly belonged to the Blunts, but we held strong, aside from Earl being stripped (he can add ‘left back’ to ‘left wingback’ as positions he’s not suited to. His worst effort was in trying to let the ball out of play, leaving the winger to dance round him and pull the ball back for Billy Blunt to sidefoot off the post from 6 yards. Unmissable. So unmissable, I’d have put money on Devante scoring. Or Dire. Or Dave Regis*. Winnall would have scored it twice. That said, the defence stood tall and happily gave away corners confident they’d head the ball clear. (We had both Pines and Roberts in there; the Blunts meantime had no Kieffer Moore. THAT would have been interesting.)

*I’m aware all 3 share the same ethnicity; this is coincidence. I was just had to find a 3rd after the first 2 trip off my tongue like my own slaver. And now I have to get paranoid cos the word for the spittle that dribbles from your mouth is the same spelling as...anyway, I give up.

I couldn’t see us scoring tho, despite them having Adam Davies in goal. (Yes, THE Adam Davies.) ‘Do we get pens after 90 minutes?’ I asked young Lucas. I was grasping for anything, still thinking if we concede one, we’ll concede 3, 4, 5. If we don’t concede at all, at least we’ll have the opportunity to beat them on pens. And we wouldn’t even have to suffer extra time. My fears were misguided – we were AWESOME (dude) that 2nd half, absolutely awesome.

We were on the front foot from the start, as Cotter rampaged down the right. On current form, he’s a better right winger than Farage. (Where’s he gone? Don’t bother replying.) The goal came courtesy of Bazza too, with a little help from his friends. A beautiful throughball to Phillips, wide right, is returned, low, across goal for Sniffer Watters to bury from 4 yards into an empty net. What a player this Watters bloke is. 2 goals in 2 games, is there no stopping him? (It’s transfer deadline week; can I see a show of hands on who WOULDN’T sell him, if we could, if anyone wanted him, if if...) Great goal.

That was earlyish, 2nd half, but for half an hour we were the better side. Then, with subs on and time ticking…the Blunts sending an SOS to star man Hamer on the bench…from 77 on we were under the cosh. I say 77, cos they had 3 chances in 3 mins. But the defence held out, the midfield never stopped running and the forwards put a shift in. It was like the good old days of a cup upset. Oh, and Max Watters has now scored more winners for Barnsley in derbies than everyone except Jamal Campbell-Ryce. Incredible.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cotter. 2nd home game in a row he’s been diddled out of MOTM by Phillips. Waddington said it, Darrell, who I met outside, said it, I’m saying it, everyone who saw the game said it. So we took him off an hour or so in (injured?) and we were never the same.
** Roberts. Headed and cleared everything.
* Pines. See above. No wonder we were so keen to let them have corner after corner!

Official MOTM: Phillips

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cotter 2. Watters 3. Lofthouse

Despatches:
I’ll not go through the team, the lot of ‘em were heroes. Special mentions to Marsh and Yoganathan as replacements for regulars Cosgrove and whoever plays with Connell in the middle..

But the crowd. If the Blunts brought 5,000 (should be easy to feed; 5 fish and a couple of loaves….or is the other way around?) that means 5,739 Reds fans. Pathetic. I saw on social media folk complaining it was 17 quid. OK, I get that, it could be less. But a league game is 29 quid FFS. I’d have thought 17 was almost good value. It didn’t deter dem blades. Maybe the clue is in being relegated from the Prem. With away allocations last season of 3,000 or less, and a desperation to see their team battered, this probably represented many of their fans with a rare chance of seeing an away game. So the price suited THEM. But perhaps the powers-that-be at Oakwell need to be more in touch with our own fans. (However, we could’ve given tickets away and not got rid of more than 10,000, so it’s a tricky game.) But it was bliss seeing a full, yet silent, away end. Enjoyed that. Well done you Super Reds. 1st home win since February. 1st win against the Blunts since...?

Drink du jour: Paulaner Weissbier (cans of) in Spiral City.

Away: 5,000 (sellout). Looked more, but 5,000 is the only figure I can find.

The Damage:
£17 ent
c. £8 petrol
£3 programme
= £28

Cheadle Town 0-0 Stockport Town, Wednesday 21st August 2024

Cheadle Town 0-0 Stockport Town, North West Counties League Premier Division, The Ground Up Solutions Stadium (Park Road), att. 272

I am all excited. I have acquired a new (‘previously loved’) car and I am blasting out the tunes. It’s good to have a working sound system again. After the last one gave out, Audi quoted me £4600 for a new one. ‘Well, that’s not happening.’ ‘No, I guess not.’ Anyway, a part-ex later and here I am. Same make, same model, same colour (has to be red). I am a happy bunny once again. Let’s ignore the fact that if I don’t find that damn V5 form it’s gonna cost me another £500. It’s fine, I’ve narrowed the search down to 40 boxes in my house/loft/garage.

I drive via Ashton to pick up Kev, fresh from the Darlo’s defeat at Buxton the nite before. Hopefully he can enjoy tonite’s game. ‘Should I take my car?’ he asks. What? On my first drive out in my new car? No chance. I hope he likes The Prodigy. No need to use the satnav, Kev finds us there on his own and we park up in the lane to the ground and return to the main road to find a pub. Handily, there;s one just down the street, though it’s a ‘Robinsons’. The last time I saw that name, I was in a dismal pub in Barrow-in-Furness where time had stood still. I was not hopeful. However, the Red Lion turned out to be a cracking pub, just the right ambience and a half decent choice of ales.

Tonite is the big Stockport derby – Cheadle Town v Stockport Town, in the North West Counties League Premier Division. Both sides have made promising starts in their opening 5 games, though I note 2 of Cheadle’s 3 wins were narrow victories over the bottom 2. 9 pts after 5 games, they’re a point behind the visitors, newly promoted but looking to press on. An exciting game is in prospect.

Ah, prospect. We walk down the lane towards the ground as two young lads discuss one’s taste in women. ‘You do love a blonde’. Who doesn’t? We enter the turnstiles and as you turn to your right, the ground is dominated by the main stand, a tall, yet thin structure in the halfway line. It looks huge, but there’s only about 100 seats in it. The back few rows are terracing though, with the highest steps I’ve ever encountered. It’s like when you come across some ancient Roman amphitheatre. After getting a beer from the social club (a half for me) we climb to the back of the stand. What a grand view this is, if we ignore the two pillars at either side holding the roof up. At no point can both of us see both goalposts, but there’s plenty of space to crane a neck, shuffle along, etc.

The game is not a classic. The effort is there, but a goalless draw is summed up by two crosses, one from a free kick, that barely reach the first defender. This is never mentioned in punditry, amongst the superior technique, or physique, of the professional footballer, but the higher up the leagues you go, the harder they can kick a ball, the further they can kick a ball. This is the 9th tier and it showed. I remind Kev of the rules. ‘If it’s a goalless draw it doesn’t count. You have to come back.’ ‘I’d come back here. I really enjoyed it.’

The Damage:
£8 ent
£2.50 prog
£6.50 some pale ale or other
= £17

The Tunes:
Their Law (Prodigy)

Lincoln City 1-2 BFC, Saturday 17th August 2024

‘Serenity now, serenity now.’

This is why we’re better off in division 3. Cathedral, cobbles and German wheat beer. Where are Washday traipsing this weekend? Sunderland. Ever been to Sunderland? As well as fantasy trips to Hull, Stoke, Middlesbrough...it’s a just a tour of this summer’s far right ‘troubles’ innit? You can chuck in Dirty L**ds too. Whereas we also get Shrewsbury, Exeter, Cambridge...Rotherham. Ok, I’ll stop there.

Plus we win more in division 3. Often while playing quite badly. And so it was today, as we nick 2 goals from the only efforts I remember on target (save for a Cotter shot blocked) while a commanding performance between the sticks from our league debutant (and Chelsea 8th choice) Slonina brought renewed optimism for our chances this season. Sign a striker and we might even finish top half!

As Nozzer said, it was a most pleasant day out. Nice Guy Chris and Mrs Nice Guy met us at the train station and pre-match was spent in last season’s craft ale house, BeerHeadz. Mind, I lost Reedy and Nozzer on the way up, as I appeared to know half the street. There were Reds here, there and everywhere. Problies had to get there early for Lincoln Pride. I must pass on my thanks to Googlemaps too, directing me around the entire circumference of the cathedral to get to Beerheadz. Lovely. (You don’t get this in Sunderland...it doesn’t have a cathedral.) People who know me, will, of course, blame my inability to use technology properly.

Had a lovely walk along the river to the ground, too. Well, we would’ve done, were it not for the police barring any Reds fans from the pleasure. We got to admire the - ahem – characterful local housing instead. I hate being bullied. (It was the same afterwards.) Surely we Barnsley fans have an impeccable reputation, and are not the sort to destroy brand new toilets later on at the ground (rumour had it). To be fair, they could do with new toilets. As folk queued 5 deep for the urinals, fans simply p***ed in the sinks. And that was the Ladies. What was I saying about the appeal of division 3?

We had good seats, so much so we didn’t use them. High up, but not too central, so avoided the idiots (adjacent company excepted). Besides, from where we were, we could keep an eye on Chris, who’d rather sit near the front so he can’t see owt at the far end. (I should talk; even now people are telling me Roberts grabbed our winner, when I know full well it was Cosgrove heading home. Do we have too many blond Adonides? It seems we do; if Connell wasn’t so one-footed, I wouldn’t know the difference between him and Craig in centre-mid either). Anyway, that goal was at the far end. It’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Roberts’ goal was also early enough in the second half that many fans missed it. I know that feeling. But far away as it was, I detected a fine cross from B. Cotter. Love you Bazza! That put us two up, Cosgrove scoring after 13 with a beautiful pass into the far corner from just inside the box following immaculate control. Piece of cake this division.

I couldn’t see Lincoln getting back into it. Slonina had saved a one-on-one in the first half and commanded his area like no Reds keeper within immediate memory. However, his kicking was very much of the Adam Davies variety. Yet I’m sure I read he was good with his feet. Maybe he’s a dancer? Anyway, between him and defensive giants Pines and Roberts, nevermind MdG, Earl and Cotter...and big lads up top in Cosgrove and Watters...every time Lincoln got a corner, I told Andy ‘we’re not gonna concede from a set piece THIS SEASON.’ So we conceded from a set piece, as a corner was half cleared and a bloke with the glorious name of House swivelled and half volleyed into the far corner. ‘Who in the Reds team would score THAT?’ ‘Nobody.’ ‘House hits home’ the Lincoln Gazette confusingly headlines. Probably.

From that point on, we sat back and soaked up what barely constituted pressure. A couple of soft headers straight to Slonina, the closest other time we came to conceding was when Roberts chopped the right winger as he crossed it in. It was undoubtedly a foul. The only question was whether it was in the box. The ref had a great view of it…and ignored it completely. Good man. Oh, and a miscommunication between keeper and MdG. But I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t.

Last week: bottom of the table. This week: top of the bottom half.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Slonina. Remember that name. This kid will go far. (So he should, I hear he cost Chelsea 10 mill.) USA! USA!
** . Cotter. Raided the right wing, didn’t let the ball go under his foot for a throw once...and set up what turned out to be the winner.
* Pines. Dominant and composed.

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Slonina 2. Cosgrove 3= Pines/Cotter

Despatches:
I’m liking this new manager – he tells it like it is. ‘The fans were 10/10, we were 3/10.’ One of the big problems with Neill Collins last season was his continuous inability to call a spade a spade. The football would be terrible and yet we’d ‘played well’ or ‘controlled the game’. Fans aren’t stupid. Sorry, all fans aren’t stupid.

Can I rewind? I know the best chance they had of scoring. Marc Roberts. What a liability he looked with the ball was at his feet. Gave it away almost as much as Phillips, but in much more dangerous areas. I’d rather he DIDN’T have to fling himself about trying (often succeeding) in winning the ball back. Just bl**dy control the ball and pass it simple. Simple. He’s like a s*** Chris Morgan. Obviously lucky not to concede a penalty, he also gave away a cheap corner despite being in control of the ball, being outwitted by an opponent whose IQ is in double figures. Unfortunately, Roberts is of an age where he won’t/can’t learn. Then there’s the fans, chanting ‘we all dream of a team of Marc Roberts’. I spent half the second half picturing what that would look like. It’s not pretty. Thanks for the winner tho.

Phillips was dire. Not as anonymous as last week (good) cos he kept giving the ball away (bad). Not even a wild hoof into the crowd this week, that’s how bad he was. If it’s true we’re after Keilor-Dunn, I’d take the money on Phillips and run. And Earl. What’s the point of him? We’re playing with wingbacks but he’s NOT A WINGBACK. Basically offered nothing going forward down the left. I can only imagine the manager is trying to make us the BIGGEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE, so we don’t concede from set pieces...blah blah blah. MdG? Never noticed him till a(nother) misunderstanding with the goalkeeper nearly led to his backpass dribbling into an empty net.

Connell and Craig looked tidy, but didn’t do a lot, while Cosgrove and Watters...well, the former scored at least. We need a striker.

Oh, and the highlight of the day? On the train back, watching a drunk, middle aged, bald, Reds fan hammer on the door of the toilet for 10 solid minutes...before the train guard opened the door to tell him it wasn’t the toilet. Reedy is still cackling.

Drink du jour: Flotzinger Weissbier in BerrHeadz, Cloudwater Fuzzy in The Strait and Narrow.

Away: 1,845 (sellout).

The Damage:
£39 train (inc two together card)
£8 petrol
£25 ent
= £72