Speaking of which, I hope Collins has one. A drawing board, that is. Maybe Little Lee left one of them behind, complete with arrows to ‘bomb alley’ etc. Cos right now, from front to back, we look hapless. Perhaps our players are big film fans, cos in 3 games at Oakwell we have re-dramatised The Good (Port Vale), The Bad (Posh) and The Ugly (Oxford). And knowing the films denouement, I don’t fancy how it ends for Liam (Kitching) Van Cleef. Labouring the spag bol analogy, it started with ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ (coach Duff leaving for Swansea), with ‘For a Few Dollars More’ (Luton signing Mads) sandwiched inbetween. Does this make Goal King Cole Clint Eastwood?*
*as an aside, I remember an article in the Chronicle from 30 odd years ago….some primary school in Barnsley had a roll including Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. Crazy times!
We woz rubbish yesterday. The highlight, undoubtedly, was the debut of our new (French) Messiah. Hopes had been high that this new Frenchie would be the replacement for Mads we’ve been looking for. He was hilarious. Gave a pen away after…what?...7 minutes? And with less than half an hour on the clock, carrying a yellow, he takes out their player somewhere near the touchline. Yellow card….therefore red…all day long. The ref takes pity. Is he dealing with a crazed madman, or Bambi on ice? Collins hooks him before he’s sent off. THAT is all you need to know about how bad he was. You’d have to be the Oakwell Historian to know the last time a debutant was pulled off before half-time on his debut. (Dave? Give me some names/debuts to remember.)
Praying the Frenchman and a returning Connell will be the universal panacea smacks of The Worst Season In Our History, as for months we were dangled the carrot of improvement when Mads and Carlton Morris would return to action. They did, and we didn’t (improve). I’m loathe to pin our entire season on Connell, cos right now, Jesus would have trouble saving this team. I’m just crossing my fingers this ‘mysterious illness’ of his isn’t mental, cos if he’s problems in that area, he ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
A casualty of his own publicity appears to be Liam Kitching. Being linked with a multi-million pound move to Coventry (has he BEEN to Coventry?) has obviously got to him, given his two performances this week. For their second, the winger just waltzed past him and Cadden (but mainly Kitching) before drilling it across goal where Jordan Williams turned it into his own goal. Fine, 0-2, but we’ve half a chance…till Kitching appears to trip over his own feet in possession and they’re clean through. A square ball...an empty net...and somehow their guy contrives to have his effort saved by a scampering Roberts. Within minutes, we’re back in the game.
It’s 70 minutes in when Cole pulls one back, 5 minutes after the manager hoicks Styles, Phillips and Dallas (Cotter having come on earlier for the Frenchman and Jordan Williams switching from RWB to be part of the central trio). Aside from chasing back a couple of times, and clearing a defensive header, Cole had been dreadful till now. I had no idea how he scored from a corner, but I’ve since looked at it a dozen times…..and I’ve still no idea how he scores. His head? His ear? His arm? Either way, suddenly he looks reborn. He’s millimetres away from Marsh’s crossshot. Perhaps if he’d ran in rather than trot, or rather, if he’d anticipated rather than reacted. But I can’t blame him. He’s not a footballer. Then he’s put clean through, and with the whole of the far side of the goal to aim for, he shoots straight at the keeper on his near post. Still, he’d ran a long way and was probably a teensy weensy bit weary.
Not that it cost us. Oh no. Not when we have comedy duo Lapata and Kitching combining to absolutely GIFT them their 3rd. I can’t remember the last time we gave away 3 such criminal goals. Was it Tuesday v Peterborough? Today’s performance was one of the worst in a long, long time and but for Roberts in goal, it could have been worse. I hear he’s on loan – I’d be sacking my agent if I was him.
Onwards and upwards!
*** Roberts. If only cos he’s the closest we had to faultless.
** Jordan Williams. Was running riot at RWB and steady enough in the middle, considering what he was with. Lost possession a couple of times. (It’s a low bar this week.)
* Cadden. Between him, Cotter and Williams, there were at least 10 crosses into that box, none of which were despatched by Cole, Dallas or Watters. AT LEAST 10.
Official MOTM: Lapata. Laughable.
Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Roberts 2. Cole 3. Jordan Williams
Despatches:
The refurbished clubshop. Looks lovely. I’d liken it to a Benetton clothes shop (do they still exist?). Not an item out of place. And no wonder – at quarter to 3 on a matchday (peak Reds retail, surely?) there were precisely three customers. Outnumbered by staff, I’d hardly say halving the shop desk is an ‘improvement’. And I know, it doesn’t help that the new club shirt isn’t in yet, but, really, when the place is full of hoodies that even people who wear hoodies wouldn’t wear, Houston, we have a problem. An apologist for the club told me we’re one of 7 clubs ‘including Chelsea!’ who are having supply issues on their strips. I guess that means 85 other clubs HAVE managed to find a few Taiwanese orphans to sew a few polyester shirts together. It’s not good enough. But at least people far and wide (Reedy’s workmate at Transport for London) are talking about our new kit. But if I saw that kit on another team, I’D be talking about it too!
Right, now that rant’s out of the way, back to the players. Let’s get back to those centre halves. Yesterday and Tuesday was the first time I’ve properly looked at Lopata/Lapata. Who cares? Tuesday, I noted he was capable of heading a ball that goes straight to him (I mock, but that young lad from Guiseley that some of youse raved about couldn’t do it). Yesterday, aside from his assist for their 3rd, I saw him skinned early doors by a forward he ceded 5 yards on, while 2nd half, thinking he had all the time in the world, the same forward scampered from behind him and nicked the ball. I’m not saying he’s poor. I’m not saying the Frenchman is poor. And Kitching is definitely a decent player. But it makes no sense in getting rid of Jasper Moon (a fine season at this level for Burton) then replacing him with unknowns. At this rate, we’ll be forced to bring back Cundy (when fit).
The midfield? Where to start? Kane was appalling. At least Mowatt made little square passes on the halfway line. Kane is 20 yards behind that. And where Connell instinctively knows where the ball is going to break and goes and meets it (possibly crunching an opponent in the execution), Kane stands and watches and sees loose balls picked up by the opposition in our own half. In the pub, pre-match, the general consensus was that he shouldn’t have admitted earlier this week on social media that we need some better players. ‘WE can say that, HE can’t’ said A. Londontyke. Well, I was with Kane. It needs saying and it needs starting with HIM. If he’s back to the dirge he offered a couple of seasons ago, bin him. Or at least ‘rest’ him till his mate Connell is able to give him the protection he needs. Styles? It’s like having some shares wot were once worth a fair penny, but have plummeted so fast, you’ve missed your chance at cashing in and now are just hoping (hoping!) they’ll start going up again cos they’re becoming so worthless, you’d make a loss. Is it 1929 America? He scurries about, but if he didn’t have a shaggy mop top, would you notice him? I’ll tell you how bad it was (part I): Phillips looked alright! A welcome return for the bloke who never cost us the play off final, he definitely looked the Midfielder Most Likely To Do Summat. Yes, he tailed off in the 2nd half, but that was to be expected, opening game back and all. Welcome back Adam! (I mean it.)
Up front, I’ll tell you how bad it was (part II): Watters looked like a footballer when he came on and linked up well with Cole. I know, I know. It was brief, and I’m speaking to my doctor about it cos I’m worried I was having illusions. (I now have that song by Imagination in my head. And now, so do you...la la la la la la la...it’s just an illusion). Not that he threatened, mind, you, and in that respect he had a lot in common with Dallas, who, if you didn’t know better, looks like a non-league striker being given a chance at a higher level. Cole had a decent last 20, if you can forgive the misses (and I’ve seen how some of the Londontykes voted, so I know you have).
4 games in, we’re 3 points and 6 places behind a Port Vale team we beat 7 (seven) nil on the opening day in what must be the most anomalous result in football history.
Drink du jour: Verdant Sundialer pale ale in Spiral City. Gorgeous.
Away: 620. So they said.
The Damage:
c.£30 petrol
= c.£30
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