BFC 2-1 Carlisle United, Tuesday 16th January 2024

‘Rest your chest!’

Was that the worst ever winning performance ever in the history of worst ever winning performances? It’s certainly up there. The opening 14 minutes were EXTRAORDINARY. Carlisle should have racked up 4 goals with some absolutely bizarre defending from us. We’re 40 seconds in when Shepherd confuses himself and let’s their centre forward run on to it. Only a great save from Roberts denies them. Then Shepherd passes is straight to another opponent, on his own with the keeper to beat. The player is so surprised he puts it wide. I am on the verge of agreeing with Slacki that we’ll win this one five nowt (any team that misses those chances is onto a hiding to nothing) when our luck runs out. The keeper inexplicably gives it straight to Luke Armstrong (son of Alan) who drills it home off the post from 30 yards. And there’s still time for Styles to be stripped down our left and a cross be headed against our post. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it.

The Carlisle manager (Paul Simpson) put it down to their excellence, and it was true, they pressed high, but every single chance was on us. We were APPALLING. At half-time I bumped into BARNSLEY’S LOUDEST FAN, Darryl. He put it down to Kane and Phillips. THEY’RE JUST S*** he bellowed from 20 cm away. In truth, it could have been any of them, save for McAtee and De Givigny. And what about Styles? 2 minutes after his first defensive aberration he’s let the right winger free straight from a throw-in. Thankfully, that cross came to nought. Whythehell isn’t Cadden playing? Didn’t we see enough of Styles on Satdy? Anyway, it’s half-time and the PA tells me Cadden is on. Woo hoo!

‘Cept it’s not Styles that’s been hooked, it’s Connell. Styles is now centre mid. And Cotter is on, ‘the Irish Messi’ according to the 3 lads behind me. ‘Run, Barry, run’ they mocked. (Later, Jon Russell would get the treatment when he came on.) Suddenly, we’re camped in THEIR half, though without the chances to show for it. Then, Jordan Williams takes the bull by the horns and goes on a run from the halfway line before firing a pass to Cole. The latter controls superbly before firing it into the far corner with his left foot. Oh, I nearly forgot. This is just after Carlisle have missed an open goal, as Shepherd’s backpass is short and the centre forward lofts it over Roberts...and narrowly wide. I thnk everyone in Oakwell was waiting for it to loop into the net.

Then...nothing. Well, Cadden was doing his best, whipping a ball all the way across the inside of a crowded 6 yard box devoid of forwards wanting to get in there and put the ball in the net. Then Coach Collins plays his usual card…on comes Cosgrove to no avail, though hauling Styles allows McAtee to drop behind the front 2. Still nothing (a weak McAtee overhead kick not counting). Then, with time slipping away, Phillips has a coming together in the box. There’s a half-hearted appeal for a pen. The ref pauses, thinks about it...and gives it! I thought it was weak. Phillips has struggled to get the ball under control all night, so I’m not sure he has this time either. But you knows the rules: he’s on the floor so it must be. Their manager Paul Simpson later describes the award as ‘embarrassing’ and ‘disgusting’. Herbie Kane drills it high and down the middle, 2-1. Cue chants of ‘he gets the ball and he scores a goal, Herbie, Herbie Kane’ on the bridge afterwards. Probaly those lads sat behind me.

We have, unbelievably, won. We have missed zero chances, they could have had 6. I am convinced we will go on to be the worst team ever to win promotion.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cadden. Ran at them, delivered crosses, our biggest attacking threat.
** De Givigny. Mainly for the first half, holding his head while everyone else in the back line was losing theirs.
* Cole. The Goal King does it again.

Official MOTM: Cadden

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cadden 2. McAtee 3. Cole

Despatches:
I know I said it was an extraordinary opening segment, but that’s forgetting a fight breaking out in the Ponty after half an hour. With chants of ‘dee dah dee dah’ I presume the 2 lads having punches and missiles thrown at them were a bit lost, but, say they were Washday or Blunts, whythehell spend Tuesday nite watching THAT? And why make yourself known? And why be anywhere near our youth in the top corner of the Ponty? It was all a bit bizarre. Like our defending.

The mercurial Cotter barely featured, though did put in a couple of long throws. Russell came on and looked lost (I know, cos I got a running...or walking...commentary behind me). Phillips was awful at times, along with stablemate Kane. Championship player of the month for December? He wasn’t even BARNSLEY’S player of the month. That was McAtee, who again looked the most likely, first half. Connell was never in it. Was he hauled cos he’s injured? Or ill? Or off to Huddersfield? Cosgrove failed to win a header or hold a ball up, but in his favour...he’s not Watters. Roberts...did he make a save that 2nd half? Possibly not. Shepherd continued to look a liability throughout, though did make a couple of good challenges, while Jordan showed the likes of O’Keefe and Cotter how it’s done with that run.

Still, after hearing from A. Londontyke that we have 10 (TEN) Championship quality players, I was looking forward to scoring spadefuls against relegation certainties Carlisle. Maybe we’ll do that in the away game?

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramahs.

Away: 883. A tremendous turnout from our friends in the north. They seemed to be having fun, singing to themselves about libraries, the sh*thole they’ve chosen to go to and our support being less than creditable. It was hard to disagree.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
£2.50 fanzine
= c.£10.50