Mansfield Town 2-1 BFC, Saturday 15th March 2025

‘You know that McCarthy...he’s not a sponsor or something, is he?’

The King is dead. Long live the King. Yes, another manager bites the dust, Coach Clarke inevitably bearing the blame for the shower of sh*te that is our 1s team. The Director of Recruitment remains in situ. And since we’re making it up on the hoof, the poisoned chalice passes to interim coach Conor Hourihane. (‘Aren’t all coaches interim?’ Was that Gerard Houllier at Chelsea?) And the more things change...the more things remain the same.

‘But he’s only had 2 days on the training pitch.’ Well, we shoulda sacked Clarke last Satdy nite then, shouldn’t we? I notice Huddersfield put 5 past Crawley with THEIR interim manager. ‘But they were only playing Crawley.’ Yes. And we were playing a side who were incredibly without a win in 14 matches (4 draws). Could we have played a side with lower morale? And we’d nicked their star player (DKD) back in September. What could go wrong?

What could go wrong? Conor rings the changes. Well, he plays Benson at right wing back and switches O’Keeffe to the left. Cos, like every other master tactician with a coaching badge, he thinks it doesn’t matter. Humphreys is this week’s lamb to the slaughter up front, while loanee Rodrigues gets nowhere the pitch. (Humphreys is hauled at HT for Max Watters.)

It took us 11 minutes to concede. An idiot defender (we’ll call him Roberts) kicks the ball straight to their player in the box and it’s snaffled, into the bottom corner. Worse, I think that’s when Smith injures himself in goal. Brilliant. Our 5th keeper of the season* comes on, young Flavell. How bad can he be, if he’s been continually overlooked in favour of Slonina, Kilip, Gauci and Smith? Actually, he doesn’t disgrace himself and makes a couple of saves. There’s nothing he can do about the winner, as 3 centre halves fail to deal with an up and under and another player is left with a tap-in. Last minute an’ all.

*I’m only counting the league. I think Flavell played in that Mickey Mouse trophy, whatever it’s called.

Inbetween, we actually equalise. Nice Guy Chris won’t approve, but criticism from the fans appeared to have an effect. ‘Sideways and backwards, everywhere we go’ was the terrace chant, as Phillips beat a player on the left. The crowd commentary was great. ‘Woooah...SQUARE...whooah...SQUARE...whooah...SQUARE...GOOOOAAAALLLL. I think Hourihane said we scored with our best period of possession. By which I think he meant we’d put 3 passes together.

It was true though. The only time we found a Reds shirt was in going backwards or square. Kicking it forward only resulted in us losing the ball. And this might sound oxymoronic, but I found out today we’ve played more long balls than anyone else in the division. But it makes sense to me. We’re either punting 45 yard balls towards the corner flag (for opposition defenders to pick up) or we’ve turned into a team of Herbie Kanes. (Let’s get that chant going...never mind wanting ‘a team of Marc Roberts’...’we all play like a team of Herbie Kanes, a team of Herbie Kanes’...etc. Which is ironic, considering we got rid of the sideways shyster.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Bensons for Beds. Started, Scored, NEARLY completed 90 minutes (83, if you must know.).
** Flavell. Kept a clean sheet for 75 minutes.
* No-one. Another awful Saturday.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Benson / Flavell 3. No-one

Despatches:
Commander Reed had surveyed the area and pronounced it was going to be a dismal day of drinking, but it turned out well in the end. In no rush to hit Mansfield, we started in the Sheffield Tap, the Mallard at Worksop Station (where we had to change), then, a newish craft ale place in Mansfield Woodhouse. OK, 45 minutes walk to the ground, but owned by a Reds fan! (We didn’t know this.)

Mind, the train back was slightly delayed. Something called ‘football hooliganism’ broke out, but it all seemed a storm in a teacup. Net result: one bust lip and a small child crying (the small crying child wasn’t the one with the bust lip). Then a yoof asked me and Andy if we were alright! I know we might be getting on for pensionable, but one of us could have had any of these runts. (Clue: Andy.) ps, I said ‘runts’.

In XG chat, we lost another game, 1.75 v 0.46. I’m starting to wonder why I can’t remember all our chances at games, but then I work out...we haven’t had any! Excellent finish from Benson for Beds too. Apparently, Coach Conor likes him cos he’s ‘full of energy’. I expect he is, not having completed a game since he signed for us...has he?

Drink du jour: Weihenstephaner in the Sheffield Tap, Vocation Crush Hour on the train, Virtuous Session IPA in The Mallard in Worksop Station, New World Brewing Hazy IPA in the Barrel Micropub in Mansfield Woodhouse...and whatever we had on the train back...and another in the Mallard...and another in the Sheffield Tap. It’s like we had a return journey!

Away: c.1,900 Sellout? ‘Toxic’ said a texter to Radio Sheffield’s Praise or Grumble. I’ve heard worse this season. ‘SIDEWAYS AND BACKWARDS, EVERYWHERE WE GOOOOO, EVERYWHERE WE GOOOOO’.

The Damage:
£26 ent
c.£8 petrol
£15 train
= c. £49

Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Tuesday 18th March 2025

Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup Semi-Final, Sandygate, att. 1,255

There’s only one game in town tonite as far as I’m concerned – the Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup semi-final at Sandygate, the oldest football ground in the world. The last round paired Hallam and Sheffield, the world’s oldest football club, and the derby brought 1,496, which is larger than it’s purported capacity. Tonite would be a ‘meagre’ 1,255, against another local side, Stocksbridge Park Steels, from a division up in the pyramid. With 600 online tickets already sold hours before the match, the onus was on getting there early. I didn’t want to miss out!

It was a good job I got there early too. Parking was at a premium, even half an hour before kick-off. I was lucky, and on making my way to the gorund, could already hear the beating of a drum and the buzz of the crowd. I parted with my 6 quid (on my card; this is the 9th tier!) but couldn’t find any programmes. Presumably sold out. Entering in one corner, it was already very busy. The yoof and their drum had bagsied the covered area at this end, so I wasn’t going there. I walked along the byeline and found the social club, a modern affair with some good choices of drink (ie, they had a couple fo SALT beers, and Guinness for the less fussy). Indeed, they’d also opened a can bar at the entrance. Having one of the highest crowds in the country at their level (they had the 3rd highest in the country on Satdy, 717) the relative smallness of the social club necessitates this.

After the social club comes the refreshment bar...Annie’s? There’s was quite a lot of choice, but a queue to match it. The 250 seater stand was plump on the halfway line and worrying about being stood behind folk to see the game, I thought I’d take the old man option and snuggle in. 2nd off back row, excellent view, aside from not quite being able to see the far left corner. With no steps of terracing, just hard standing, between here and the social club, the crowd was 4 deep. Behind the left goal, where the Stocksbridge yoof collected, it was more hard standing, while opposite is a cricket field.

A cricket field! In the oldest football ground in the world. Well, I suppose it’s the other way round, the cricket team came first. A rope separated the cricket and football pitches. It doesn’t seem like viewing from this side is encouraged, though as the game went on a few encroached round the corner to this side. The one bit of terracing meantime was under that cover which ran from the corner flag at the entrance to the goalpost. 3 steps. Beyond the goal is only open, flat standing, but a glorious old stone wall behind it. Even so, I’m told this hard standing is new this season, possibly reflecting Hallam have to do SOMETHING in the case of ground grading if they get promotion. (They currently lie 2nd, which would give home advantage in the semi and...hopefully...the final in the play-offs.)

The other elephant in the room is the slope of the pitch. It’s HUGE. Surely every game is a ‘game of two halves’? I am happy to be proved wrong, as the opening 4 goals tonite come with the team kicking UP the slope. I’ve company too. Turns out I’m sat next to the father of Hallam’s goalkeeper, and he’s a mine of information. Luckily, Junior has a decent game and can’t be faulted for the goals.

Playing up the slope 1st half at home to a side in a higher league, the odds were against Hallam. Indeed, early on, it’s all Steels. The bald bloke at the back for Hallam looks a liability to me (turns out he normally plays up front!) but he improved, the team held out and with half-time on the horizon, the deadlock is broken. Hallam break up the right and Leon Howarth buries it off the far post. Can they make it to half-time a goal up? NO! They break again, same place, and Rio Allan outmuscles 2 defenders to slot in, again at the far post.

The keeper’s dad is realistic. ‘This game isn’t over’. I go and use the facilities and instead of going on my usual tour of the ground, I return to my seat. I decide he’s enjoying my company. And besides, I’m not going to get a better view. The second half is mostly one way traffic (uphill). Hallam’s forwards can’t keep hold of the ball, the midfield have lost the ability to run with the ball, and Stocksbridge are camped in Hallam’s half. Even the keeper’s virtually on the halfway line. ‘The neutral in me could do with Stocksbridge scoring’ I say, halfway through the half. A minute later it’s 2-1, as a soft effort off a corner dribbles in by the post. Why does no-one put a man on the post anymore? (OK, it’s cos statistically, you’re better off putting your men elsewhere. Really?)

With 76 on the clock, it’s two-all, a bullet of a header flashing past Hugo in goal (we’re on first name terms, even if he doesn’t know it). Cue a flare lit in what has become the away end. It’s around now we wonder whether the game goes straight to pens at 90, cos it seems Hallam’s best hope. Earlier rounds did, apparently. I bet the programme knows. But it’s all irrelevant. With only one side looking likely, Hallam attack down the left and Leon Howarth curls a beauty over the keeper and into the far corner. ‘It’s in!’ I exclaim, before it’s in. A 90th minute winner, in a semi final, against your local rivals, in front of a packed crowd. No wonder the ref’s whistle is met with a pitch invasion. I’d forgotten what glorious times looked like. Brilliant.

The Damage:
£6 ent
£5.20 SALT Alpacalypse Session IPA
= £11.20

*the chat on the way out was that the final (v Worksop, 2 divisions higher) would be at Doncaster’s subbuteo stadium. A pity, as last season it was at Hillsborough. However, here we are the day after, and the final’s going to be at Rotherham’s New York Stadium. I might go see my new mate after all.

BFC 0-3 Blackpool, Saturday 8th March 2025

‘Our next best chance of scoring today is Phillips...and he’s not even playing!’

I’m not angry. I’m not even disappointed. I’ve gone beyond that – I’m resigned. Resigned to the fact we’re going nowhere fast (other than down). Resigned that, right now, the club is rotten. The ownership, the management, the recruitment, the players, the fans...it’s awful throughout. The vocal minority are busy blaming the board, and I get it. They’re the ones in control of the purse strings, but without em, we’d be bust. They’re also in control of appointments, and in that respect, Coach Clarke and the Director of Recruitment (what a disaster he is thus far) are their fault too.

The latest embarrassment was the worst of the season, for me. (Reedy still claims Leyton O, but I wasn’t there). On Satdy we were played off the park in BOTH halves by another midtable side who have NOTHING to play for. Yet they ran about, they pressed, they made themselves available, they always looked to the front foot. It was everything we’re not. They coulda (shoulda) been 3 or 4 nil up by half-time. (Others said as many as 6). My favourite miss was when their lad put it wide from 6 yards, with an empty net. The keeper made a diving save too, but mostly, it was just poor misses.

In contrast, we had one effort of any note. Connell chipped a great pass through for Humphreys to control with his chest and...blaze over from 8 yards. OK, the keeper’s in close proximity, but all he has to do is get it on target. Just knock it under the keeper into the open goal, rather than paralyse someone in Row X.

But it’s ok, we’ve made it to half time, goalless. A chance for Coach Clarke to reset. Another inspirational teamtalk, some tactical tweaking, maybe a sub. He sends them out identical. If we had the ball (which we had plenty) we had one tactic: hoof it long behind their fullbacks to…to WHO? Every single time, their fullback turned around and collected, or the centre half came across, and possession was ceded. Or it went down the middle to the keeper. This isn’t a one-off. This IS what amounts to us trying to score a goal*. It was repeatedly tried at Rovrum to slightly better success, as their defenders blatantly didn’t know what to do with the ball, and we eked a penalty out of it. Blackpool’s defenders had us on toast all day. Listen, Coach Clarke, it might be the 3rd division but these players are PROFESSIONALS. (I’m referring to the Blackpool players here.) They will not simply give it back to us in their third. This is not Sunday football. (The lack of any kind of press exacerbates the issue.)

*ok, there’s the ‘hopefully DKD will pick up the ball in the final third, beat a player and curl it home from 20 yards’. But that’s hardly a tactic...is it?

Thus the second half started. It took 11 minutes for Blackpool to score. A Tangerine (capital ‘T’) ran 40 yards unchallenged, before burying it into the bottom corner from 20 yards. Another one that went under Smith’s right hand, a la Charlton. I think I see a weakness. But at the point of shooting, there are FOUR Reds players in close proximity to the shooter and NONE of them are putting in a tackle or block. We have given up.

Will Coach Clarke make a change before or after they score a second? He brings on Nwakali and Benson for Connell and Watters. Does that mean we’re not playing with a centre forward? (Insert hilarious caption here.) Within 3 minutes it’s 0-2. A harmless looking cross to the back post is headed in by former Red Fletcher. At least he didn’t celebrate, but I wouldn’t have minded if he did. How does ONE player get inbetween Farrugia, Conor Barrett and the goalkeeper, to score? (By the way, if we have 5 ‘top class centre halves’ according to our leader, what is Barrett?)

It’s ok tho, cos Coach Clarke brings on Rodrigues for the aforementioned Barrett. A centre forward for a centre half. All out attack, then? Does Rodrigues even touch the ball? (Yes, he does. I distinctly remember him touching the ball. Does he touch it twice? I can’t remember a second time, but he definitely touches it at least once in his 25 minute (plus injury time) trot out.)

By now, we’re trying a different tactic (oh yes!). Nwakali appears to be playing right centre half, and is orchestrating all our possession, which invariable is playing the ball forward through the lines to feet, whereupon a Russell, or someone, would hold it up, lay it off…then that player would lose it. Every time. Did we have a shot?

Another pacey attack for the visitors brings a fine save out of Smith, but the loose ball is gobbled up from close range. What ARE our defenders doing (FYI: O’Keefe, Roberts, McCarthy, Farrugia)? No Earl to blame this week, though Barrett was an able deputy. (As in, I don’t rate either.)

There’s still 17 minutes left, not that 80% of the home end will see it. Once again, we are left with the masochists and idiots. Blackpool fans start chanting ‘You’re so sh*t it’s unbelievable’, gaining a round of applause from the home areas, before a few in the Ponty give it ‘We’re so sh*t it’s unbelievable’.

Onwards and upwards!

*** DKD. I trust his transfer request is already in. Needs to play for someone else next season.
** Russell. Generally kept possession
* Nwakali. Plays the ball FORWARD on the FLOOR to players wearing RED. The novelty of it. Marked down for only being on pitch half an hour.

Official MOTM: DKD.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. No-one 2. No-one 3. DKD/No-one

Despatches:
Let’s start with the players. O’Keeffe? S***. Farrugia? Hapless. Barrett? Hopeless. McCarthy? Clueless (This is starting to sound like the 7 Dwarves.) Roberts? Crap. Connell? Rubbish. Humphreys? Weak. Watters? Anonymous. Rodrigues? Pathetic. Benson? Actually, didn’t look that bad. Smith? Average. Special mention to Bailey McCann, coming on at 0-3 in the 88th minute. We are now GIVING AWAY appearances. It reminds me of Man U, away, where Coach Clarke sticks in Jalo and Yoganathan – 2 youngsters with little first team pedigree and we’re whacked 7-0 by the worst Manure team in living memory.

This is all poor timing, what with season ticket renewal about to come up. Crap football, poorly performing players, awful signings…and random kick off times. I am worried. The club and I are just hoping that 8,000 people renew out of habit, to help the club, etc...cos if we don’t renew, the club has no budget, we sign even worse (cheap) players, and we disappear for the next 20 years.

I’m saving a rant about our recruitment for another week cos I don’t know where to start. What I will say is that the only decent signing we’ve made in the last 2 windows (DKD) was hardly a scouting masterpiece – anyone who picks up a Sunday paper (remember those?) could see him scoring every other week in division 4.

Oh, and Michael Duff got sacked at Huddersfield yesterday. I’d have him back tomorrow, I really would. This has gone far enough.

And just as I finish writing this, my XG correspondent comes good. 1.31 v 2.76. 1.31? I am gobsmacked. I thought we created as little as we have done all season. That Humphreys miss is doing a lot of lifting, but I wouldn’t have that higher than about 0.4. What did I miss?* What other shots or chances did we possibly have???

*It was a balmy afternoon in the sun. Diane had given away my seat to some juvenile Geordie and I went and sat downstairs with Reedy. Consequently, with little happening on the pitch – for us – my eyelids were given to closing. Did we have a cheeky shot every time I nodded off? I know I fell asleep inbetween the award of a corner, and it being taken. The subsequent crowd groan woke me up. O’Keeffe had delivered yet another awful set piece, low to the first man. It’s bad enough that he can’t defend...

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral. ‘Home Fans Only’ said a hastily scrawled sign (part of a set of two with TAFKA The Arcade Ale House. (I forget what it’s called these days, but something nowhere near as good.)

Away: 826. They enjoyed themselves.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c. £8