Rotherham United 1-3 BFC, Saturday 11th April 2026

‘How s*** must you be, we’re winning away.’

As Andy said, nevermind ‘winning away’, it should be ‘winning at all.’ By some margin, Rotherham United are quite the worst side I have seen this season in division 3. (And, yes, I’ve seen us.) So, if I accidentally say something positive over the next half a dozen paragraphs – and the rest – keep this caveat in mind. Rovrum are really, really, really, REALLY terrible. No, really.

That we matched them for the opening half an hour didn’t bode well. ‘2 key players’ (Yorkshire Post) were missing. McG (slight injury) and Luca (new dad) were out. As for describing Luca as ‘key’ I can now understand why, till Satdy, we still had a relegation cloud above us. Back for his first game in ages was Earl, at left back to boot. Now, I’ll be honest, the only time I’ve vaguely missed him was in watching Jack Shepherd chip a diagonal last week. The one thing Earl consistently manages is driving a ball across field at pace. It’s just the rest of his game that normally lacks. (Note: not today.)

Into the captain’s shoes stepped A. Phillips, and after 37 minutes of complete dross (the match, not him, although...) he opened the scoring, as we broke 3 on 1. (3 on 1? How BAD are they?) Still, the pass from Kelly couldn’t be quite taken in his stride, he checked, and then unleashed one into the far corner from 20 yards. HE’S BACK! 1 nil HT and mutiny in the stands checked.

Yes, we were maybe 20 minutes in before that chant about the board not caring came about us, but the fans pulled their act together…and back we went to the repertoire of former Reds’ legends (and Bambo Diaby). Maybe the obsession with Diaby is that he’s the one ex-player who’d fit nicely into this team?

2nd half, Rovrum just...fell to pieces. If anyone wants an insight, listen to manager Lee Clark’s damning appraisal on local radio. Players not fit enough, easily broken. Josh Benson, come on down! The Glassman, AKA Bensons for Beds, lasted 67 minutes on Satdy, or about a season’s worth for us. I wonder what the most consecutive number of starts he had for us was in his 3 years? I suspect it was Hourihane giving him 3 runouts at right back at the tail-end of last season. (Can someone check; like Benson, I can’t be bothered.)

Anyway, here’s a paragraph I’ve never written before: Bland squares it to O’Keeffe (no, not that bit) and runs ahead of him down the line. O’Keeffe passes the ball down the line, Bland jogs on to it, then crosses head height for Bradshaw to head home. No Rovrum midfielder bothered to track Bland (surprise?) and when was the last time you saw Bradshaw get IN FRONT of a defender. These are pitiful.

Thereafter, we just picked them off as you like. It’s Phillips’ turn to step forward and intercept the ball, before striding forward and playing it to Bradshaw, who’s not quite clean through but he is once the defender commits himself. Is Jack Shepherd playing for them? A cool finish, never in doubt. At this point, if Rovrum have a shape, it’s called ‘all over the place.’ Nil 3 and now the most bizarre of crows from the away fans: ‘We’re off to Wednesday, you’re off to York’, on repeat. EH? Who in their right minds would rather visit the northern ‘burbs of Sheffield than YORK? Oh, it’s a dig at their impending relegation? Well, at least make it an Oldham, or a Barrow, or a Newport. I’d LOVE to see the Super Reds play a competitive game at York! (Friendlies don’t count.) And Barrow, and Newport, come to think. And Oldham’s about 20 minutes from my house. Dammit, can’t WE get relegated?

We are also heading for our first clean sheet in 26 games. There is simply NO WAY Rotherham United will score a goal. They’ve already been goalless in their last 4 games, including losing at bottom team Port Vale in midweek. So we aren’t going to concede, are we? On 78, Coach Conor takes off Earl. Understandable, 1st game back, etc. On comes Jack Shepherd. I (almost) get it. Chuck on the clown, let him at least get to feel what it’s like to keep a clean sheet, even if he only gets a dozen minutes. It IS enough.

On 89, Roberts comes on for Kelly, and if you look carefully enough, it’s his pathetic clearance which leads to the inevitable. Back the ball comes in, a harmless enough lob which the forward is getting nowhere near. However, he IS near O’Connell and Shepherd and somehow he goes down. A ‘pity penalty’ of the highest order, but a penalty nonetheless. We break our record. That’s now 26 league games without a clean sheet. Conor’s response at the failure? ‘Couldn’t give a toss.’ Victory is everything, defence is nothing.

Rovrum – you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Earl. Never out a foot wrong on his return. At left back, too.
** O’Connell. Composed in defence and incredible clearance off the line at 0-0.
* Phillips. Broke the deadlock, set up another, led by example. Captain Marvel!

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Bradshaw 2. Phillips 3. Earl

Despatches:
I like dealing in facts, so drink this in. Did you know in Bland’s first SEVEN forwards kicks of the match, he gave the ball away? (Caveat: a 2 yard header managed to go to a teammate). His 8th forward pass was in 1st half injury time. And if you don’t believe me, ask my co-commentator, A. Reed. Added to a square ball that went out for throw-in and he must’ve been responsible for half our lack of ball retention. Thankfully, his tackling was on point, and he improved second half. (I wasn’t counting second half; it can be very boring watching Bland play.)

Bradshaw was another. I remember when I was in my early 20s, playing 5 aside. I was always slightly jealous of one of the lads. He’d obviously not played as much football as the rest of us and couldn’t control it. Balls would cannon repeatedly off his shins. I’d never tackle him, just stand back and let it ricochet to me. But his best days were AHEAD of him, as he could improve. Tom Bradshaw is that player. (Minus the improvement bit. Like Roberts, he’s past being able to learn how to trap a ball.) Everything that went to him cannoned off his shins. It was like watching an amateur footballer amongst the elite (Rovrum!). He was driving Reedy mad…and then he scored. And then he scored again. And he’d have had another inbetween, a tap-in, had O’Keeffe squared it instead of shooting. Conversation amongst the (former) Londontykes had now moved on from how awful Bradshaw had played, to ‘he can’t take him off.’ No no no no no no. The poor bloke will NEVER have an opportunity to score another professional hattrick in his life. So Coach Conor took him off on 89, when we looked like we’d score with every attack.

Otherwise, Goodman was excellent in goal. Saved everything, and he’d obviously got the note, cos he was coming off his line and claiming EVERYTHING. MdG was O’Connell’s able foil. O’Keeffe had zero defending to do, yet didn’t get forward much, save for his Dire impression in denying Bradshaw with his own greed.

Yoganathan was poor, I thought, but at least he wasn’t Luca Connell (be sure to take your 6 months paternity leave DURING the season, pls) while Kelly wasn’t the difference he usually is, yet still helped break the deadlock with a trademark marauding run. Banks was playing well on the wing, so, personally, I’d had have given Cleary the day off rather than bring him on for 20.

Drink du jour: Erdinger in Beer Haus, Wath-upon-Dearne. Why, hello there. What’s a nice drinking establishment like YOU doing in a place like THIS? The dearth of decent drinking holes in Rovrum Central made us detour slightly, but well worth it.

Away: 2,225 (9,575) It was like Oakwell near the end, as the game was played out to empty home stands.

The Damage:
£30 ent
c.£10 petrol
= c.£42

Rotherham United 0-1 BFC, Saturday 22nd February 2025

‘Stevie Evans, your tits are offside.’

Since the advent of the play-offs, I’ve never seen an end of season game in February before – till now. ‘El Shitico’ I saw it dubbed on social media and no wonder. With both sides having zero chance of the play-offs, and only a mathematician’s hope of relegation, this was the proverbial ‘nothing to play for’. OK, aside from some sense of local pride (personally, I don’t know any Rovrum fans….does anybody?) and maintaining our incredible run against the Millers: unbeaten since 82/83 (1-0 at Millmoor). I didn’t know this, I just heard someone mention it at the game. Now, IF ONLY I knew a Rovrum fan, so I can have someone’s snout to rub this fact into. But I don’t. No-one does. 6 wins in a row now, and 10 wins and 3 draws since that defeat. Can we play you every week / month / season?

It was also our 5000th match (cheers, Oakwell historian) and, thanks to the Northampton game getting called off the other week, we have avoided the embarrassment of our club trying to celebrate this achievement at Oakwell. Instead, we’re punting aimless balls up top at the New York Stadium and relying on the Millers’ mediocrity to keep the score level. It really was a hard watch. (Pity the poor neutral.) Some bloke called Malik Wilks (angry emoji!) showed flashes, in particular outmuscling and outskilling 3 (THREE!) Reds’ players down our right flank, before doing what he does best...nothing.

Roberts was immense in our defence (there’s not enough left in the season for me to eat my words about him) but there’s 2 key moments in a goalless opening half. Firstly, Phillips is about to pull the trigger...8 yards out?...and falls over while the ball dribbles wide. It’s at the far end, but debate ensues. Surely he’s been fouled? He can’t miss from there! (Oh, he can.) Having seen replays, I’m in a minority of two. (My friend Diane also doesn’t think it’s a pen.) I don’t think there’s enough in it. There may have been contact, but I guess another thought for the ref is that if he gives it, he’s giving their player a red card. And, believe me, refs don’t want the hassle. Otherwise, Jordan Hugill misses an open goal at the back post. Didn’t he once go for 10 mill? My God.

Coach Clarke works his magic at half-time (scores at half-time this season would have us 2nd) and Rovrum are all over us. Is it the usual ‘wait till they score before doing owt’? No, our cunning tactic of hoofing it to their defenders WORKS, as the header back is too short and DKD nips in front of the keeper and takes the hit. Penalty! Phillips coolly sweeps home in front of a packed away end.

The tactic continues. We hit balls to their defenders in the hope they’ll make a mistake. Ask Andy! I’m convinced it was on purpose, cos these ‘balls into space’ hadn’t a hope of being collected by a Red. None of our forward players are fast enough to latch onto a ball. (Another phrase disappearing under Clarke, a forward player ‘latching onto’ something. The closest our players come to latching onto something is changing the lock on their backdoor.) And the worst thing was...it sort of worked. The Millers were hapless. One even decided to play basketball in his own area, but the officials were too gobsmacked to award the penalty. Anyway, Law 17, subsection 4: thou shalt not award Barnsley FC 2 penalties in the same game, it doesn’t matter WHAT the opposition do. Which is fair enough, as long as it’s in the rules. (We should be grateful we got one at all, one being our seasonal average in recent years.)

After the hour, Humphreys was put out of his centre forward misery, to be replaced (in centre forward purgatory) by the new Frenchman. If that latter bloke is a centre forward, I’m a Chinaman. (Nozzer says he isn’t, and we’re playing a wide player up top. Is that right? Say it ain’t so!) Anyway, he is absolutely WOEFUL. There it is. I’ve given him 2 halves and another half an hour, but the decision is in. Get shut. He can’t hold a ball up and will never score a goal. Not if yesterday is anything to go by. He had an early chance to shoot from 20 yards, I think he dummied it 2, 3 times...before squaring it pointlessly before the ball was played back to Connell to clear the bar from 10 yards further back than where Rodrigues had it. Utter, utter, sh*te. ‘He’s just won a header’ said Reedy, offering some consolation. Listen, heading a ball isn’t ‘winning a header’ as much as kicking a ball isn’t ‘winning the ball’. Heading it, unchallenged, back into the no-man’s land of the halfway line...and that was as good as it got. Who scouts these players? How’ve we ended up in a situation like THIS?

At some point Gauci gets hurt. He tries to play on, but collapses with 15 (plus injury time) left. Thank goodness we shipped in this Villa loanee for Kilip. Can we get the latter back on loan? Wouldn’t THAT be hilarious? Instead, the bloke we paid £200k for and wasn’t considered better than Slonina, Kilip and Gauci comes on. Who scouts these players? As it is, Jordan Smith has ONE thing to do, catch a soft header in a scramble. Rovrum are THAT poor.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Roberts. Headed, cleared, intercepted, brought the ball out (ok, the latter bit wasn’t done so well).
** Russell. So confident on the ball at the moment.
* DKD. His movement and runs caused panic.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Roberts 2. DKD 3. Russell

Despatches:
Good job we won, cos the fans were in a right abusive mood. Either ‘Rovrum’s a sh*thole’ (standard), Stevie Evans is a ‘fat Scottish ba*tard’ (he’s probably heard worse, and that’s just from his own fans) or we’re picking up on Rotherham’s recent history of child abuse. ‘You’re just a town full of groomers’ (very good, not heard ‘groomers’ in a chant before) later changed (developed?) to ‘you’re just a town full of nonces’. Ah, brought back the good old days...child abuse in Middlesbrough and a ground full of Sunderland fans chanting ‘what’s it like to f*** your kids?’ at the away end. Anyway, good job we were AWAY, cos that PA system warning our fans about naughty chanting being against the rules would’ve exploded. And that’s without mentioning the obligatory ‘sack the board’ (which I could hear from outside the ground before I’d even got in) and another chant the cognoscenti have edited from the one calling our female minority owner a slag. So progress, then.

I’m also warming to these half twelve kick-offs. Least, I was this week – I got back to Slaithwaite in time for the Moonraking Festival, where we eat, drink and be merry at our smuggler forebears’ ability to fox the local militia by claiming to be raking the moon, as they attempted to retrieve some contraband from the canal. Hundreds of people carrying lanterns on a circular walk of the village in amongst bands and other entertainment. Anyway, thanks EFL/Sky. You done good.

Drink du jour: None. Drove there. Saw match. Got out. It was for the best.

Away: 2,207 (sellout). Though I’m intrigued...other away figures at the New York this season include Wrexham (2,356), Bolton (2,166), Huddersfield (2,170) and Brum (2,168) and I bet they were all sellouts too. So if ST holders are counted, even if they don’t show up, what about away fans at Rovrum? Or do allocations slightly change depending on how much segregation the police insist on? I’ve no point to make, just wondering. (It was the same at Oakwell in our Prem season, as crowd figures slightly changed for each game despite – from memory – every game being a sellout apart from Wimbledon and Chelski (Mickey Mouse clubs).

The Damage:
c.£10 petrol
£27 ent
£3 prog
= c.£40