Port Vale 1-3 BFC, Saturday 2nd November 2024

‘F***in’ bag o’sh*te’ ‘They’re not that good.’

I should have asked for a note from their mums, the excuses I got when I asked who wanted to come to Port Vale. ‘I’m in Fuerteventura.’ ‘I’m going up to Leeds to see Nick Cave.’ ‘Not sure whether we are coming home Friday or Saturday.’ (Port Vale’s) ‘a violent sh*thole and every maniac in Barnsley will insist on going.’ ‘Al, I just don’t care for your company.’ Honestly, folk couldn’t wait to not go to Vale Park, one of my favourite away days. As a historian, I like stepping back into the past, and nothing says the past like a trip to Burslem. ‘Rough and ready’ as they say, though at least I snuck into a pub incognito pre match. Every other one said ‘HOME ONLY’ as Burslem devoutly stuck to its economically retarded principles.

Anyway, it’s becoming a lucky ground (for me). We’ve definitely won there the last 3 times I’ve been, perhaps the only 3 times I’ve been (plus once with Sunderland, back in the day). And to say we’ve played this bunch more than any other team (or second most, I forget) it seems to be that we barely play them. I think it’s to do with 50 years in the second division before we were born. But I love it. 3 stands that have never changed in half a century, save for some plastic seats slapped on them. A Main Stand in which they didn’t even bother putting most of the seats in for nigh on 20 years cos they didn’t need them. Even the fanzine seller reckoned that swapping the home and away ends allowed the (new) away end to be run down. How can you tell?

Another reason to come would be that it’s my last game for a while – I’m off to Australasia till Xmas. And if ever an away match will make you miss Old Blighty, surely it’s Port Vale!? I parked up (usual spot, a back street a couple of minutes away from the pubs on St. John’s Square) but only had time for a quick snifter. One problem with driving through the Peak District (Glossop, Buxton, Leek) is that when there’s roadworks, you’re stuck when there’s roadworks. At least there was a strategically placed Morrisons for all those urinary needs.

Got there in time for the obligatory Remembrance Day commemoration. The bugler made a better job than Shrewsbury, despite an early mishap. Then it was game on, and what a nothing half it was, despite the two goals. We went ahead when Roberts nipped in front of a defender, from a lovely deadball in from O’Keefe. For 15 minutes we then comfortable..till we didn’t. They put a ball in, we had mor than enough defenders there to deal with it and somehow it lands at the feet of the centre forward, who cuts back inside, sidestepping Kilip who’s raced on, and coolly sidefoots it into the empty net. (What I hadn’t seen in the ping-pong was that the Earl kicked the cross straight to their player.) Obviously, we were gutted enough, without scorer Ronan Curtis rushing over ‘shushing’ us. You’ll get yours, Curtis.

Aside from that, I remember Kilip making a decent save, but otherwise, nothing. And nothing continued into the second half, till, just before the hour, Coach Clarke hauls off Watters for Phillips. Whisper it, but I thought Watters was one of our better players, but from here on we roasted Vale. 5 minutes later we were ahead, as Phillips plays O’Keefe free down the right and his cross is swept in by DKD. (If Devante bothered to run past defenders to meet the ball, he’d have scored this goal 20 times last season.)

2-1 and it’s all us. Their goalscorer is dragged off, much to the amusement of the away end. ‘Curtis, Curtis, what’s the score’ was one of the more palatable chants and this continued for the rest of the match. It must have been quite the uncomfortable half hour or so on the bench for the lad. Unlucky. Though I did enjoy a blast of ‘der der der, football in a sh*thole’, a variation on the old ‘library’ chant. Oh, and their mascot is ‘just a sh*t Toby Tyke, sh*t Toby Tyke...’

Wave after wave of attack ensued as Port Vale couldn’t get out of their half, or indeed, get near the ball. O’Keefe and Phillips combined again before Russell curled a beautiful effort off the top of the bar. (He’s very good at hitting the woodwork.) Then, with 10 to play, Phillips plays the ball across goal and Humphreys is bundled over. The kind of penalty we didn’t get in the last minute of a home match the other week. This week (when we don’t need it) it’s given. After what seemed like forever, Phillips steps up and sends the keeper the wrong way.

Thereafter, the only side keeping the score down was us, as a couple of times we broke, outnumbered the Valiants…and took it to the corner flag, much to the chagrin of our support. ‘We want 4, we want 4’. Still, at least we were through. And at least it didn’t go to extra time. I had Strictly to get home to!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Game was going nowhere, he came on and we never looked back.
** O’Keefe. Got up the pitch to set up 2 goals.
* DKD. Some sublime touches and, of course, the goal that put us ahead.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. O'Keefe 3. DKD

Despatches:
After the match I ran the gauntlet back to the car with the Diss Branch of the Barnsley Supporters Club (Membership: 1) Following the away crowd, I went a different route to usual, meaning we didn’t merge with the Vale fans till nearly at the car. Then a voice behind me…‘How do you tell a Barnsley fan?’ I had to turn around. I’m not getting whacked in the back of the head by some Valiant clown, like someone we all know a few years back. ‘By the f***ing grin on their faces.’ A Vale fan with a sense of humour, as him and his mate waxed unlyrical about their side’s performance (and the referee’s). We agreed it was never a pen, though I thought their 2 appeals were very weak too.

Oh, and it took me 9 miles to get to Stoke railway station, which can’t be more than 4 miles walk. Have I said how much I hate Stoke? Signs that make little sense, roads closed off…Google satnav confused, telling me to turn off expressways over curbs. I DETEST this place. Being advised to go down a dead end street I’ve seen a 100 times on Homes Under the Hammer? Been there. And did I ever find the railway station? No, the street was closed off, so I ordered James out the car at the lights. I hate this place. Hate it.

The other players? Honestly, before Watters was hauled, I was struggling to think of contenders for the top 3. Watters had held it up well and chased and harried, but otherwise…nada. Kilip had made two saves, one a super diving effort, but the other one he palmed right into trouble, but luckily a defender cleaned up. Special mention to POTY Cotter though, dropped from the entire squad for not being able to prompt a side full of reserves to victory midweek against Donny in the Sherpa Van Papa Johnstones wotsit. Rumour has it there’s some poor attitude going on, as there would be when you’ve been senselessly dropped and forced to play with players who’re about to be sent on loan to Gainsborough Trinity (true). But O’Keefe and Phillips had an outstanding partnership once the latter came on.

Drink du jour: MBH Loco Juice. Drinkable, but wouldn’t have a 2nd.

Away: 525 (I think)

The Damage:
£15 ent
c.£30 petrol£1 fanzine
= £46

Port Vale 2-3 BFC, Tuesday 26th December 2023

‘He dunt like England.’

Boxing Day in Burslem. Living the dream. On my lonesome too, as everybody but anybody would rather spend quality time with their family, or sit at home on their lonesome, than go to Port Vale. I’m a sucker for Vale Park. In a rundown suburb of a rundown city is a rundown stadium where trouble seems to rear its ugly head every time I’m there. So I’m disappointed to report zero trouble and zero flare ups...though there was a remarkable lack of Reds fans in the Burslem pub hub of St. John’s Square. While most hostelries operated a ‘Home Fans Only’ policy, I saw 2 Reds fans showing their colours in a packed Bull’s Head. My scarf remained firmly in pocket (buttoned).

After a pretty average pint of the local brew, I strolled up early to the ground. Who knew Robbie Williams grew up 5 minutes from the stadium in a local pub? (Probably everybody, I’m not a fan.) Sadly, it’s now closed, though the area seemed overly served, pun intended. After purchasing a couple of fanzines I hunted in vain for a programme. Turns out you can only buy one in the MASSIVE club shop. ‘Cashless’ it was, which was handy as all I had was...cash. I’d left the wallet at home and had had to borrow some money off my other half to see me through. The shop assistant gave a furtive glance around before taking my three quid, again leaving me with nothing to complain about.

A circumnavigation of the ground brought the realisation they’ve only gone and swapped the away end. After all my quality undercover work, I’d have been rumbled there and then at the turnstile. I’ve no idea why the ends have been swapped. Vale fans now have 4 stanchions between them and the pitch instead of 2. However, they do have a large carpark and a large concourse, perfect for not one, but two fanzones. Eat that, BFC!

Our end, by contrast, was a proper throwback, which is why I like Port Vale. Climbing up to our seats was like climbing the bank at the Ponty End in the old days. But while we’ve built a new stand, they’ve just slung seats onto terracing. A ground that held over 49,000 now has a seating capacity of 19,000 seats, apparently. (It’s never been tested). I marvelled at having a row to myself, when, as kick-off approached, the yoof came in. I was swamped in a mass of multi-coloured Adidas trainers, Burberry and those coats with goggles in their hoods. A father of one of them moved. As a ringleader next to him wondered what he’d done wrong, the guy just said aloud ‘You STINK!’ And it was true. Two seats along, where I was, a faint aroma of slightly off meat pervaded.

Mind, it’s amazing how you can ignore the bouquet when your team is winning and we’re ahead after 17, Phillips heading in a beautiful dink (Kane?) at the back post. A smoke bomb is carelessly dropped and a small child in front chokes to death can’t hide his glee at being in the thick of it. A yoof apologises to dad, but dad’s loving that son’s loving it. Compare that to the attitude at Oakwell. The tannoy would be threatening all sorts before the smoke’s had time to disperse, while 'concerned' busybodies would be bemoaning the lack of respect paid by our lively young bredren. Oh, and the Pope and the IRA can be f***ed at Vale Park without a loudspeaker message from Debbie or Dave Downer.

All of which wasn’t to say the fans didn’t get behind the team. Keeper Roberts has a new chant (I know not which Premiership side we’ll have ripped off for that) while Phillips got a chant too (can't remember the words). 'He hits em high, he hits em wide, when he's in the team, we're on the slide.' Only joking. And of course McAtee (tee tee) who doubled, then trebled the lead. Devante strips the right back, runs into the box and pulls it back for McAtee (tee tee) to sidefoot home. Devante needs to be careful – at this rate he’ll lose his mantle as top scorer. That’s just after the half hour mark and the game is sealed 5 minutes later, as McAtee (tee tee) hits a 30 yarder into the roof of the net. Looks spectacular, but, although at the opposite end, you can see it’s straight down the middle of the goal and their keeper flaps brilliantly. There may have been a wobble in the flight, but, really, any professional goalkeeper should be saving those.

Game won (!) we send on Jon Russell for Luca at HT. The latter’s on a booking, and his powers are still returning. Far better to give him some rest for Posh in 3 days. Around the hour mark, Collins sends on Jalo and Cosgrove for McAtee (tee tee) and Cole. The game is won. Then he gives Lopata a runout after injury, for McCart. This match is in the bag. Only it’s now stretched, and whoever has the ball is 3 on 3. We’ve ignored one warning, Vale having a goal disallowed for offside. They then pick the ball up on the left, cut inside a couple of players and curl it inside the far post. Isn’t this how Stevenage scored last Satdy (Roberts saving the effort, tapped in on the rebound)? It looked a great goal, but if we’re showing people inside, shouldn’t centre halves be covering? Especially as we have 3 of them.

There’s 20 minutes left, and now Vale look like scoring everytime they have the ball. Roberts makes one incredible save...a ball is pulled back and Roberts sprints back along his line to meet the incoming header superbly. Concede that and I wouldn’t have fancied us. The dam is finally broken with 4 minutes of injury time left. By now, we’re consistently being skinned down the wings, and a cross is headed in from close range. We are spent, and Roberts makes one more save before the ref blows for fulltime. What started as a procession ended as The Alamo. A heroic stand? Or spineless collapse that could have been worse? Or delusional manager who thinks he’s Pep? I dunno, my jury’s out and I can’t quite bring myself to join in ‘EIEIEIO...Collins is our King!’ quite yet.

Onwards and upwards!

*** McAtee. Love his movement. Love his goals. Love his somersaults. My favourite Luton player.
** O’Keefe. Bear with me. First half, with us defending our end, nobody beat him and his passes were spot on.
* Jordan Williams. See above. Also covered the gaps inbetween McCart and The Frenchman, including a bizarre backpass with his head while sliding along the floor.

(I think whoever I vote for, bar Roberts, is based on the first half.)

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. McAtee 2= De Givigny / O'Keefe

Despatches:
Ahh, three nil up. ‘We want seven, we want seven’ (following our opening day 7 nil win), along with ‘can we play you every week?’ That seemed a long time ago as we hung on for our lives in that last 15 minutes or so. Roberts made a couple of great saves, but also flapped at a corner first half. Cadden was excellent defensively first half, but was isolated in the second as Vale’s winger gave him a torrid time. Connell, McCart and The Frenchman read the game to perfection in that opening 45, stepping out to intercept ball after ball. Indeed, we still hadn’t conceded when the former two were hauled; was Collins being TOO clever? Cole looked better (1st half) while Phillips...well, he scored. We’ll ignore the corner pulled back for him to blaze over the bar. Cosgrove came in for some abuse from those watching on telly, but I thought he did alright. He’s a far better player than Watters and wasn’t helped by the midfield being too lazy/worried/knackered to come up and join him. And Jalo was given longer than usual to run into trouble (but nobody criticises him...cos he’s only young!) Oh, and Kane played (1st half).

And the car was still there, no scuffs, no scrapes, wheels where I left them. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuss is about, going to Port Vale.

Drink du jour: Titanic Anytime IPA in the Bull’s Head. I spent half my time wondering why there were so many Man City shirts in there...eventually figured it was Port Vale’s away shirt!

Away: 1,290. Looked more.

The Damage:
£25 ent
£3 prog
£2 fanzine (x2)
c.£15 petrol
= c.£45