BFC 0-3 Plymouth Argyle, Monday April 7th 2026

‘ow come he’s still on t’pitch, manager?’

If I want a paint job done, I’ll employ a painter. If I want a house designing, I’ll get hold of an architect. And if I want a barrel making (unlikely) I’ll Google ‘cooper’. So why do Barnsley FC insist on playing a kitchen fitter (or Shepherd, even) in defence? He is, without unquestionable doubt, the worst regularly picked defender I have ever seen in my Barnsley-supporting history. And this includes Paul Gibbs and Scott Wiseman. Admittedly, this only covers 46 years, and the 70s must have been grim, what with us being in division four an’ all, but still. Today was an absolute masterclass sh*tclass in how to defend. Will SOMEONE put Jack Shepherd (or me) out of my misery?

The opening goal, I’ve heard everyone else blame it on the keeper. And now I’ve seen it back, I understand why. A bouncing ball is lifted over MdG for the striker to bundle home, yet it’s seemingly in the air long enough for Crapman to step out and catch it. My problem was that I was following Shepherd during this move. I could see what was going to happen...Mdg going across to their guy who would arrive first and lift it over or across him...so Shepherd HAS to mark the centre forward. Has to. I think he realises too late the trouble he’s in and never gets close to the guy, allowing an easy finish (once Crapman has rooted himself to the line, as per). In fact, while the defenders all bark at Crapman about how crap he is, here’s a thing: we’ve seen Crapman refuse to come off his line countless times before so ALLOW FOR THAT and STOP THE CENTRE FORWARD FROM SCORING YOURSELF. (Equally, message for Crapman: you know how absolutely USELESS Jack Shepherd** is, so be ready to come off your line and claim. But I care less about Crapman. He’s on loan and come the end of the season, he’s someone else’s problem.*)

*PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to sign him. (Altho we signed Watters after a similarly unimpressive loan period.)

** PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to re-sign him. (His contract’s up in the summer, innit?)

The second goal will have the usual suspects barking on about a push. Yes, there’s contact, but MAN UP. Shepherd gets a nudge, their player gains a yard, and slams it in. Consider the respecting opinions of Donny manager Grant McCann on similar in his game, slating his player for not being stronger. Hourihane, meantime, mumbles on about it being a foul. Let’s ignore the fact Shepherd has spent his season going down under minimal contact. Who else in the team has a move named after him (the ‘Shepherd Flop’.) He has lost the...what? Will? Ability? Wherewithawal...to stand up to his man and not be bullied. Christ, he’s 6 foot 3 and built like the proverbial. Problem is, he IS the proverbial.

The 3rd goal, as I saw it in real time, I thought Shepherd was a tad unlucky as he accidentally clipped the opponent as he ran past him. I have since booked my appointment with Specsavers. Shepherd absolutely, and for no reason, absolutely cleans the guy out. Not quite GBH, but definitely common assault. But by now, I wasn’t angry. Just disappointed. Resigned. Oh, and all this from a nominal left back position, though all the incidents mentioned occurred in the POFSS (Position of Frequent Shepherd Sh*tness, ie, in and around the 6 yard box). (I put my special Little Lee Johnson hat on for that one, POMO, etc) Anyway, if Lee Johnson had a hat, I know which hat it would be... Oh, and who gave the ball away on the edge of his own box to start that Plymouth attack? Step forward J. Shepherd. Have I said I don’t rate him? Crapman dives the right way and gets a good hand to the penalty yet somehow...somehow...fails to save it. The limp-wristed fool.

As an aside, didn’t we beat Plymouth Argyle away (opening day) AFTER Shepherd was sent off? Conclusive proof, m’lud. We are better off playing with 10 men than that imposter playing in our team. Listen, I get it. He’s cheap, and if we play him enough it boosts his value. But that ship has sailed. I don’t know what the peak market value of Shepherd was, but I feel like those investors who lost their money in the 1929 Wall St. Crash. If only I’d sold my stock in ’28...

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kelly. Ran around, never gave up, and had a couple of promising runs.
** McG. Ran around, never gave up, and kicked a couple of shots into the crowd.
* MdG. For the block preventing a definite goal in the 1st half. And the other block preventing a possible goal in the 1st half. It’s called DEFENDING.

Official MOTM: McG.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. MdG 2. Kelly 3. Connell

Despatches:
We are SLEEPWALKING TOWARDS RELEGATION. It is that time of year when sides facing the threat of relegation pick up points against midtable sides with nothing to play for. The problem is, we think we’re one of those midtable sides. But if you look at the table, what are we? 5 pts above the bottom 4? I think 5 pts can be hauled in the remaining games, especially if we don’t get any.

One criticism I heard of Hourihane (who appears to have lost his sainthood) was that ‘he’s playing players out of position’. I think the guy on Praise or Grumble was referring to the GOAT playing at right back. But, apart from Shepherd, I also raise you a Tom Bradshaw. He can’t be a centre forward, can he? He gives ‘doing nothing’ a bad name. He scampers around, being second to everything, can’t hold a ball up if it gets to him, and lacks the ability to beat a player and create an opportunity of his own. So with him and The Kitchen Fitter, we’re down to 9 men. Add in Class of 2024-26 Luca Connell, and a Sri Lankan giraffe (I didn’t know Sri Lanka HAD giraffes) trying not to trip over his own feet, and I don’t see how we’re ever going to win another game of football again.

Coach Conor did, at least, bring Banks and Phillips off the bench to save the situation (they didn’t) but what must these 2 think? Not getting a game behind THAT. (Again, Coach Conor wants to play Yoganathan to increase his value, while I want us to win games. This is the dichotomy we currently face.) Another one is Crapman’s continual involvement, to everyone’s bemusement. After Flavell didn’t disgrace himself at Burton on Good Friday, Crapman is back in the team after his international sojourn. (I would LOVE to see him in goal for Canada in the World Cup, preferably against somebody half decent. They will score TEN.) Solid rumour has it that loan club Crystal Palace are paying his wages and if we don’t play him, WE pay his wages. Which, according to a member of the Supporters’ Trust, is £12k/week. Breathe that in. Six hundred thousand pounds a year to be THAT crap. That means I should be on at least 100k, for all the good I’d do in goal. (I wouldn’t be rooted to my line, for a start. Mind, I think that’s my main problem when I’ve played in goal, I’m not rooted to my line enough!)

Other passing mentions...O’Connell was there, or thereabouts. Let’s just say Plymouth weren’t scoring when the ball was in his and MdG’s vicinity. The GOAT was ok, after the opening minute when he was caught out of position, allowing Argyle to attack down that side. I noticed late on though, as we chased the game, he didn’t kick the ball forward once. Standard.

Cleary beat the odd player, but we didn’t give him the ball till 25 minutes in. Missed a great chance to make a chance by not passing it, with plenty of Reds in the box. Needs to stop believing his hype. (He’s another player whose value is decreasing the more we play him.) Have I missed anyone? The subs, Phillips, Banks, Leo Farrell...were suitably anonymous. I’d love to blame the referee for the defeat, but they scored more goals than we had chances. Scored more goals than we had shots on target. Scored more goals than Bradshaw had touches in their box. Etc etc.

It was awful. (63% possession, btw, so anyone not there can imagine what that looked like.)

Another player who sadly missed the game was former Reds walking footballer Herbie Kane. A hamstring tear means he’s been sent back to Hudds. A pity, I’d have liked to have seen the Battle Royale: Connell v Kane.

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramahs. Talking of which, was A. Reed more angry at the slowness of the service, as he waited for his drinks courtesy of the Wetherspoons app (Spiral was closed) or at Oakwell? Andy? Andy??

Away: 1,242 (10 thousand summat. I heard it, but can’t find the attendance anywhere online.) ‘Can we play you every week?’ Arf.

The Damage:
£8 petrol
= £8

Burton Albion 1-1 BFC, Friday 3rd April 2026

‘Where DO wookies s***?’

I think Burton Albion are metamorphorsising into Luton Town, the number of ex-Reds in their line up. Brad Collins in goal, Jasper Moon shoring up the defence, Kyran Lofthouse on the wing and Toby Sibbick benchwarming. On the latter, the manager said he’d been playing well lately, out of position at left back, but (get this!) he wanted a left footer there against the Super Reds. As for Lofthouse, he achieved his 10th assist of the season, while Brad Collins does what Brad Collins does: timewaste. His options are limited, what with the change in rules regarding the 6 second rule, but his (not so) subtle timewasting at goalkicks was bringing out the PTSD in me. Moon, I never noticed, probably cos we barely attacked.

I’d made a lateish decision to travel to Burton, based purely on convincing Sarah that it might be the done thing to occasionally visit her parents in nearby Lichfield (we only stayed one night). Besides, I like going to Burton. Laidback, loads of great places to drink, steady walk to the ground. Easy parking too, if you’re sent around a one-way system and somehow end up outside one of the two pubs one had earmarked (Cooper’s Tavern). Love this place. Ye olde worlde, with beer served from the barrel. Plus a pork pie. Pre-match was complete with pub chat about the latest American space exploration. As you do.

I also bumped into a couple of Reds’ fans too. ‘Optimistic?’ I asked. ‘Optimistic? I’m not even interested. I’m only here for the beer.’ These lads later beat me to the ground, even though they were ordering a pint as I left. Did a Lord Selwood and ordered a taxi. I bet they wished they’d stayed in the pub.

I got there in time for kick-off (brisk pace!) and it started well. Flavell in goal was serenaded by the faithful ‘he’s one of our own’. A change is as good as a rest. Perhaps Canada can call up Crapman more often? MdG (or ‘De Vagina’ as I heard him referred to) and O’Connell had the job of protecting Flavell, and this lasted all of 7 minutes, till O’Connell got injured. On comes the GOAT at right back, the right footed right back (Watson) going to left back and the (alleged) centre half moving from left back to centre half. We’re so fluid!

The opening 45, we barely got out of our half, yet arguably created the best 2 opportunities, both squandered by T. Bradshaw. If he’s not scoring, he’s not contributing in my book. The first, he’s unlucky, as he diverts a shot and it hits the keeper. The second, from a lovely cross by McG, he can pick his spot. He did – a yard wide. He really needs to retire, or play a further rung or 2 down (he might get his chance, if he stays!).

Still, at least we weren’t losing. Flavell fumbled a shot across goal and also dropped it, being cleaned out by 2 Reds defenders. Do we do ‘practice’? Thankfully there was no-one to tap home on either occasion. I start mulling on the possibility of our first clean sheet in forever being when we put this season’s 3rd choice in t’nets. If so, would Coach Conor retain his place? I needn’t have worried. I also note MdG getting a few points from the tellybob viewers, but all I remember about his performance was making 3 mistakes in the opening 10 minutes.

On the hour, a neat give-and-go leaves Lofthouse the simple option of squaring it for an open goal. Too easy. It’s down their right, but on seeing it on telly, the only person in a position to do owt (Yoganothing...sorry, Yoganathan) trips over his own feet. Ah well. This is the cue for the away end to turn toxic. ‘Sacked in the morning, you’re getting sacked in the morning.’ He wasn’t. But the worm has turned. This lot were the ones singing summat about Conor returning us to glory earlier in the season.

Then, I dunno what happened. Someone had the idea to stop it with the negative chanting and for the rest of the match it was all ‘we’ve got Super Daniel Stendal...Mads at the back, Cauley in attack’ etc Si senor, give the ball to Woodrow he will score. Always believe in...Devante Cole. COLE! Even an appearance by Bambo Diaby and his large appendage. (I mean a chant, obviously, not the actual physical specimen.) That the chants were all based on players in the last 10 years somewhat showed the age of those contributing. Where’s ‘can you hear the Ponty roaring, Ronnie Glavin’s always scoring’? I guess ‘can you hear the Bapp for Bolts Pontefract Road End roaring, David McGoldrick’s always scoring’ doesn’t scan so well. Still, good to hear Jalo is still ‘better than Christiano’. Last time I looked, he couldn’t get a game on loan at Oldham.

Coach Conor rang the changes, sending on the ineffective Cleary for the ineffective Banks, Phillips for Kelly (ditto) and then, on 74, the GAME CHANGER. Roberts and Farrell on for MdG and Watson. All out attack! Well, certainly fewer defenders and more forwards. And as injury time loomed, Connell curled a beautiful free kick (credit where credit is due) over the defence for Roberts to head across goal and McG finish from about 3 yards. Burton have been robbed. We celebrate not losing.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. Like the Super Reds, I am struggling.
** No-one. Ran No-one very close for 1st.
* Roberts. Saved us a point from the bench.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Shepherd 2. MdG 3= McGoldrick / No-one

Despatches:
I read a stat on the BBC website, pre-match. In 10 Good Friday games, Burton have won only once – against the Super Reds a couple of years ago. Part of me would’ve been ecstatic if we’d extended that to 2 teams in 11 games – both of them Barnsley.

I walked back to the station, to pick up Sarah. A helpful attendant (AKA crowd control) was obviously worried about me lurking. ‘Where would you like to go?’ I thought. ‘Australia, maybe New Zealand.’ She looked at me like I’d said something about her mum.

Drink du jour: Joules Krush Smash pale ale (very average) and Jaipur at Cooper’s Tavern.

Away: c. 1,200 (4,203)

The Damage:
£19 ent
c.£30 petrol
= £49

Euxton Villa 0-5 Atherton Laburnum Rovers, Tuesday 24th March 2026

Euxton Villa 0-5 Atherton Laburnum Rovers, North West Counties League Premier Division, Jim Fowler Memorial Ground, att. 181

Talk about a last minute decision. Kev and I were off to Ashton Town, till it was postponed half an hour before kick-off, as we arrived. But, knowing Euxton Villa kicked off at 8, we knew we were in plenty of time to get to the Jim Fowler Memorial Ground. And, unbeknownst to us, this game would almost certainly be on, despite the rain. They have a plastic pitch.

Mind, tonite’s game is apparently a replay of an earlier, postponed or abandoned game. Why was that called off? Medical emergency? But we’re not complaining, tonite’s entrance fee is the princely sum of three pounds, or less than the can of beer from their canteen (I hesitate to use the term ‘social club’ as it was a bit small.)

My first impression as I entered the ground (canteen to our right) behind the goal, was ‘where’s the cover for standing,’ The rain was coming down at a pace and, although I could see a couple of stands, these were seating only. We could barely see the small structure on the far right touchline, and with virtually half the crowd in here, it felt quite busy. (Note: the crowd was 181).

On the opposite touchline, there was a brand new ‘off the back of a lorry’ stand, made super smart by the seats in alternate Euxton colours of orange (amber?) and black. There was more seating the other side of the canteen, in a tiny structure with about 20 seats, and wheelchair space. But the overall impression was of a club on the up. Everything was spick and span, from the perimeter fence to the plastic pitch. A walk around the ground showed the next improvement: flat standing, the limestone underlay already in place. Sadly, thids meant no circumference. No wonder the only spectator behind the goal in the opening half was a club volunteer. Maybe their next move after that could be filling in some of the potholes in their sizeable adjacent car park? But I’m nitpicking.

As I said, the social club was small and there were no beers on tap. Cruzcampo felt the best of a bad bunch, if you’re not one to drink Guinness or Strongbow Fruit. (I’m not.) Signed Bolton and Wigan shirts adorned the wall, rather than a telly showing Sky, while even the pennants were hanging off some trophy atop a cupboard. Still, it was warm and dry, and provided welcome respite from the rain.

And it poured. A temporary lull allowed us our walk, but the second half was played in constant rain, so shout out to the Euxton photographer, there to the end on the offchance her team would produce something worth photographing. She’s a better man than I am.

The game itself turned into a rout. Laburnum Rovers (who’d brought a few, btw) scored early and always looked superior, despite spirited home resistance. A couple of goals just before half-time made it 0-3 at the break, and when Laburnum went 4 up after 47, it looked like it could be anything. Mind, 3 of the goals came from corners, including one that was tapped in on the volley from 3 yards out. Truly appalling defending. The 5th came in the 90th minute, after Euxton had made the Rovers’ box several times. Typical. But that’s why one of these teams is lower mid table, and the other is right in the play-off hunt. Maybe there’ll be time to visit Atherton yet, this season.

The Damage:
£3 ent
£4 can of Cruzcampo
£2 tea
= £9