Port Vale 0-0 BFC, Tuesday 14th April 2026

‘We love you Bradshaw we do...’

AT LAST! The run is over. We can rejoice in the streets. We can pump our fists like Henman. We can scream at the camera like a coke-fueled Maradona. After 26 goal-laden matches, we have finally, FINALLY achieved a shutout. Blue plaques all round for the keeper and back 4, forever to go down in Barnsley legend: Goodman, O’Keeffe, O’Connell, Roberts, Earl. That we failed to score (against the side bottom of the table) is neither here nor there.

I’d made a late decision to go to the game. Late enough for tickets to have gone offsale on the website, despite them being ‘digital only’. How does that work? Rocking up to the game on the nite (luckily, there was space…about 15,000 of them) I am now the proud possessor of an actual match ticket, at no extra cost. (Don’t get me started on the likes of Ticketmaster charging extra pounds for a ‘souvenir ticket.)

Usually on a Tuesday nite, I’ll go and see a non-league game with my mate Kev, a Darlo fan in Ashton-under-Lyne. I gave him a choice: Ashton Town v MSB Woolton (a game that was called off as we got there t’other week), Barnoldswick Town, or my leftfield option, Port Vale v Barnsley (‘£25’). He was remarkably keen to see the Super Reds, possibly in return for me seeing Darlo at the likes of Chorley and Curzon Ashton this season. Would he notice the gulf in class that I see?

I parked up in my usual street (I love Port Vale away) and we went into a micropub that wasn’t all that micro. I was undercover, of course. These are mean streets. Pootling to the ground after a quick pint, one noticed how many hostelries Burslem has. Loads. And even then, the one that’s closed and left to rack and ruin is the pub where Robbie Williams grew up.

We got in a few minutes before kick-off. A (lucky?) black cat scampered among the deserted seats of the corner stand, closed off. Bizarrely, in front, they’ve built a breezeblock enclosure for the groundsman’s tractor (no roof). Between this and a giant scoreboard in front of these seats, it looks like Port Vale have no plans to fill Vale Park imminently.

Team news: de Vagina (ho ho) was out, head injury from Satdy. Coach Conor replaces him with Roberts, who’s overtaken Shepherd in the pecking order by not playing. Captain Marvel is also out, The GOAT replacing him in centre mid. Meanwhile, Cleary is benched again. Either play him, or leave him at home and give him a rest.

It wasn’t a good game. Can you tell? I mused on what the opposite of ‘end to end’ was...when the game is played predominantly in that area inbetween the 2 boxes. ‘Box to box’ Kev said, helpfully. This is to give the game some semblance of action. Basically, each side took turns to get not very near the opposition goal before giving the ball away. The exception was a headed chance for erstwhile sniffer, Tom Bradshaw, who missed what looked like a great chance to head home at the far end. (Note: It WAS a great chance. Headed wide from 4 yards, on his own.)

My other favourite game was to ask Kev who our international is. He thought carefully, so carefully, I thought he’d forgotten the question. ‘I dunno, but the 22 looks alright.’ Patrick Kelly. Star man. Best player (IMHO). International. Thinking about the rest of the team, I don’t think I’ve ever disliked so many of our starting XI. I’ll hold my hands up, I really don’t like 5 of them, while it’s also fair to say I don’t rate 7 of them.

Second half was a little better. Maybe it was just the Super Reds were kicking our way. Kelly held a ball up and Yoganathan took it off his toes to burst into the box before being clipped. PENALTY! I’d put my house on Phillips scoring. I’m now homeless. Phillips puts it to the keeper’s right, but it’s far too close. I then realise the keeper is Joe Gauci, one of our merry-go-round of loan keepers in the few years. Did we get him from Villa? Is he still a Villa player? Or left to find his level?

You’d think this would hand the impetus to Vale, but Coach Conor sends on Luca (for The GOAT) and Cleary for Banks. Banks has had another decent game, but we take control with Cleary on the pitch and we start to get the ball in the box. Bradshaw flicks a header wide (good effort) before, in the last minute, he has a free header from a Yoganathan flick on. He’s 4 yards out, the keeper does a Schmeichal (the star jump keepers do in handball) and the ball hits him. A great chance to win it. It’s a good job we’ve nothing riding on this game.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kelly. Driving forward, keeping possession, laying it off.
** Cleary. Beat players, crossed balls...more dangerous in 20 than the rest of the team in 70.
* Roberts. Solid in defence.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kelly 2. Yoganathan 3. Cleary

Despatches:
217 away supporters (inc. Kev) is poor by any measure. Indeed, Darlington took more than this to Curzon Ashton the other Tuesday, but there’s a number of factors at play. First and foremost, the fanbase are depressed. The team is off form, there’s nothing to play for, it’s all the owner’s fault for crap signings (we’ll ignore Kelly and Cleary!) and the manager thinks we’re all fools for having a semblance of optimism for this season. I’ll gloss over the appeals (or lack thereof) of Burslem, but why spend good money coming to this when you can stay at home, in the snug, and either watch this on your own dodgy stream, or, more likely, a Champions League quarter final? Then there’s the fixture overload. We have 6 (SIX) away games in April. Also, the yoof weren’t there. Skool nite. For a side going nowhere. I dread to think how many will be at Stevenage, or Northampton, the next couple of Tuesdays. Probably 215.

Corners. I can’t I’m writing this, nevermind having seen it. When we now get a corner, one of the 2 players Coach Conor drags back to defend the halfway line is Vimal Yoganathan. He’s 6 foot 4, FFS. I get that he’s WEAK, but he’s TALL. You’d think if anybody has a chance of getting his head to a ball in a crowded penalty area, it’s the Sri Lankan giraffe. But Conor knows best. (Note: 9 corners, 0 goals).

In fact, looking at the stats, shots on target 1-4, off target 2-10, XG 0.58 v 1.96. This was a game we should have won.

Drink du jour: Vocation Crush Hour hazy pale ale at Johnny’s Micropub.

Away: 217 (4,863)

The Damage:
£25 ent
£1 fanzine
c.£25 petrol
= c.£51

Rotherham United 1-3 BFC, Saturday 11th April 2026

‘How s*** must you be, we’re winning away.’

As Andy said, nevermind ‘winning away’, it should be ‘winning at all.’ By some margin, Rotherham United are quite the worst side I have seen this season in division 3. (And, yes, I’ve seen us.) So, if I accidentally say something positive over the next half a dozen paragraphs – and the rest – keep this caveat in mind. Rovrum are really, really, really, REALLY terrible. No, really.

That we matched them for the opening half an hour didn’t bode well. ‘2 key players’ (Yorkshire Post) were missing. McG (slight injury) and Luca (new dad) were out. As for describing Luca as ‘key’ I can now understand why, till Satdy, we still had a relegation cloud above us. Back for his first game in ages was Earl, at left back to boot. Now, I’ll be honest, the only time I’ve vaguely missed him was in watching Jack Shepherd chip a diagonal last week. The one thing Earl consistently manages is driving a ball across field at pace. It’s just the rest of his game that normally lacks. (Note: not today.)

Into the captain’s shoes stepped A. Phillips, and after 37 minutes of complete dross (the match, not him, although...) he opened the scoring, as we broke 3 on 1. (3 on 1? How BAD are they?) Still, the pass from Kelly couldn’t be quite taken in his stride, he checked, and then unleashed one into the far corner from 20 yards. HE’S BACK! 1 nil HT and mutiny in the stands checked.

Yes, we were maybe 20 minutes in before that chant about the board not caring came about us, but the fans pulled their act together…and back we went to the repertoire of former Reds’ legends (and Bambo Diaby). Maybe the obsession with Diaby is that he’s the one ex-player who’d fit nicely into this team?

2nd half, Rovrum just...fell to pieces. If anyone wants an insight, listen to manager Lee Clark’s damning appraisal on local radio. Players not fit enough, easily broken. Josh Benson, come on down! The Glassman, AKA Bensons for Beds, lasted 67 minutes on Satdy, or about a season’s worth for us. I wonder what the most consecutive number of starts he had for us was in his 3 years? I suspect it was Hourihane giving him 3 runouts at right back at the tail-end of last season. (Can someone check; like Benson, I can’t be bothered.)

Anyway, here’s a paragraph I’ve never written before: Bland squares it to O’Keeffe (no, not that bit) and runs ahead of him down the line. O’Keeffe passes the ball down the line, Bland jogs on to it, then crosses head height for Bradshaw to head home. No Rovrum midfielder bothered to track Bland (surprise?) and when was the last time you saw Bradshaw get IN FRONT of a defender. These are pitiful.

Thereafter, we just picked them off as you like. It’s Phillips’ turn to step forward and intercept the ball, before striding forward and playing it to Bradshaw, who’s not quite clean through but he is once the defender commits himself. Is Jack Shepherd playing for them? A cool finish, never in doubt. At this point, if Rovrum have a shape, it’s called ‘all over the place.’ Nil 3 and now the most bizarre of crows from the away fans: ‘We’re off to Wednesday, you’re off to York’, on repeat. EH? Who in their right minds would rather visit the northern ‘burbs of Sheffield than YORK? Oh, it’s a dig at their impending relegation? Well, at least make it an Oldham, or a Barrow, or a Newport. I’d LOVE to see the Super Reds play a competitive game at York! (Friendlies don’t count.) And Barrow, and Newport, come to think. And Oldham’s about 20 minutes from my house. Dammit, can’t WE get relegated?

We are also heading for our first clean sheet in 26 games. There is simply NO WAY Rotherham United will score a goal. They’ve already been goalless in their last 4 games, including losing at bottom team Port Vale in midweek. So we aren’t going to concede, are we? On 78, Coach Conor takes off Earl. Understandable, 1st game back, etc. On comes Jack Shepherd. I (almost) get it. Chuck on the clown, let him at least get to feel what it’s like to keep a clean sheet, even if he only gets a dozen minutes. It IS enough.

On 89, Roberts comes on for Kelly, and if you look carefully enough, it’s his pathetic clearance which leads to the inevitable. Back the ball comes in, a harmless enough lob which the forward is getting nowhere near. However, he IS near O’Connell and Shepherd and somehow he goes down. A ‘pity penalty’ of the highest order, but a penalty nonetheless. We break our record. That’s now 26 league games without a clean sheet. Conor’s response at the failure? ‘Couldn’t give a toss.’ Victory is everything, defence is nothing.

Rovrum – you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Earl. Never out a foot wrong on his return. At left back, too.
** O’Connell. Composed in defence and incredible clearance off the line at 0-0.
* Phillips. Broke the deadlock, set up another, led by example. Captain Marvel!

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Bradshaw / Phillips / Earl

Despatches:
I like dealing in facts, so drink this in. Did you know in Bland’s first SEVEN forwards kicks of the match, he gave the ball away? (Caveat: a 2 yard header managed to go to a teammate). His 8th forward pass was in 1st half injury time. And if you don’t believe me, ask my co-commentator, A. Reed. Added to a square ball that went out for throw-in and he must’ve been responsible for half our lack of ball retention. Thankfully, his tackling was on point, and he improved second half. (I wasn’t counting second half; it can be very boring watching Bland play.)

Bradshaw was another. I remember when I was in my early 20s, playing 5 aside. I was always slightly jealous of one of the lads. He’d obviously not played as much football as the rest of us and couldn’t control it. Balls would cannon repeatedly off his shins. I’d never tackle him, just stand back and let it ricochet to me. But his best days were AHEAD of him, as he could improve. Tom Bradshaw is that player. (Minus the improvement bit. Like Roberts, he’s past being able to learn how to trap a ball.) Everything that went to him cannoned off his shins. It was like watching an amateur footballer amongst the elite (Rovrum!). He was driving Reedy mad…and then he scored. And then he scored again. And he’d have had another inbetween, a tap-in, had O’Keeffe squared it instead of shooting. Conversation amongst the (former) Londontykes had now moved on from how awful Bradshaw had played, to ‘he can’t take him off.’ No no no no no no. The poor bloke will NEVER have an opportunity to score another professional hattrick in his life. So Coach Conor took him off on 89, when we looked like we’d score with every attack.

Otherwise, Goodman was excellent in goal. Saved everything, and he’d obviously got the note, cos he was coming off his line and claiming EVERYTHING. MdG was O’Connell’s able foil. O’Keeffe had zero defending to do, yet didn’t get forward much, save for his Dire impression in denying Bradshaw with his own greed.

Yoganathan was poor, I thought, but at least he wasn’t Luca Connell (be sure to take your 6 months paternity leave DURING the season, pls) while Kelly wasn’t the difference he usually is, yet still helped break the deadlock with a trademark marauding run. Banks was playing well on the wing, so, personally, I’d had have given Cleary the day off rather than bring him on for 20.

Drink du jour: Erdinger in Beer Haus, Wath-upon-Dearne. Why, hello there. What’s a nice drinking establishment like YOU doing in a place like THIS? The dearth of decent drinking holes in Rovrum Central made us detour slightly, but well worth it.

Away: 2,225 (9,575) It was like Oakwell near the end, as the game was played out to empty home stands.

The Damage:
£30 ent
c.£10 petrol
= c.£42

BFC 0-3 Plymouth Argyle, Monday April 7th 2026

‘ow come he’s still on t’pitch, manager?’

If I want a paint job done, I’ll employ a painter. If I want a house designing, I’ll get hold of an architect. And if I want a barrel making (unlikely) I’ll Google ‘cooper’. So why do Barnsley FC insist on playing a kitchen fitter (or Shepherd, even) in defence? He is, without unquestionable doubt, the worst regularly picked defender I have ever seen in my Barnsley-supporting history. And this includes Paul Gibbs and Scott Wiseman. Admittedly, this only covers 46 years, and the 70s must have been grim, what with us being in division four an’ all, but still. Today was an absolute masterclass sh*tclass in how to defend. Will SOMEONE put Jack Shepherd (or me) out of my misery?

The opening goal, I’ve heard everyone else blame it on the keeper. And now I’ve seen it back, I understand why. A bouncing ball is lifted over MdG for the striker to bundle home, yet it’s seemingly in the air long enough for Crapman to step out and catch it. My problem was that I was following Shepherd during this move. I could see what was going to happen...Mdg going across to their guy who would arrive first and lift it over or across him...so Shepherd HAS to mark the centre forward. Has to. I think he realises too late the trouble he’s in and never gets close to the guy, allowing an easy finish (once Crapman has rooted himself to the line, as per). In fact, while the defenders all bark at Crapman about how crap he is, here’s a thing: we’ve seen Crapman refuse to come off his line countless times before so ALLOW FOR THAT and STOP THE CENTRE FORWARD FROM SCORING YOURSELF. (Equally, message for Crapman: you know how absolutely USELESS Jack Shepherd** is, so be ready to come off your line and claim. But I care less about Crapman. He’s on loan and come the end of the season, he’s someone else’s problem.*)

*PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to sign him. (Altho we signed Watters after a similarly unimpressive loan period.)

** PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to re-sign him. (His contract’s up in the summer, innit?)

The second goal will have the usual suspects barking on about a push. Yes, there’s contact, but MAN UP. Shepherd gets a nudge, their player gains a yard, and slams it in. Consider the respecting opinions of Donny manager Grant McCann on similar in his game, slating his player for not being stronger. Hourihane, meantime, mumbles on about it being a foul. Let’s ignore the fact Shepherd has spent his season going down under minimal contact. Who else in the team has a move named after him (the ‘Shepherd Flop’.) He has lost the...what? Will? Ability? Wherewithawal...to stand up to his man and not be bullied. Christ, he’s 6 foot 3 and built like the proverbial. Problem is, he IS the proverbial.

The 3rd goal, as I saw it in real time, I thought Shepherd was a tad unlucky as he accidentally clipped the opponent as he ran past him. I have since booked my appointment with Specsavers. Shepherd absolutely, and for no reason, absolutely cleans the guy out. Not quite GBH, but definitely common assault. But by now, I wasn’t angry. Just disappointed. Resigned. Oh, and all this from a nominal left back position, though all the incidents mentioned occurred in the POFSS (Position of Frequent Shepherd Sh*tness, ie, in and around the 6 yard box). (I put my special Little Lee Johnson hat on for that one, POMO, etc) Anyway, if Lee Johnson had a hat, I know which hat it would be... Oh, and who gave the ball away on the edge of his own box to start that Plymouth attack? Step forward J. Shepherd. Have I said I don’t rate him? Crapman dives the right way and gets a good hand to the penalty yet somehow...somehow...fails to save it. The limp-wristed fool.

As an aside, didn’t we beat Plymouth Argyle away (opening day) AFTER Shepherd was sent off? Conclusive proof, m’lud. We are better off playing with 10 men than that imposter playing in our team. Listen, I get it. He’s cheap, and if we play him enough it boosts his value. But that ship has sailed. I don’t know what the peak market value of Shepherd was, but I feel like those investors who lost their money in the 1929 Wall St. Crash. If only I’d sold my stock in ’28...

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kelly. Ran around, never gave up, and had a couple of promising runs.
** McG. Ran around, never gave up, and kicked a couple of shots into the crowd.
* MdG. For the block preventing a definite goal in the 1st half. And the other block preventing a possible goal in the 1st half. It’s called DEFENDING.

Official MOTM: McG.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. MdG 2. Kelly 3. Connell

Despatches:
We are SLEEPWALKING TOWARDS RELEGATION. It is that time of year when sides facing the threat of relegation pick up points against midtable sides with nothing to play for. The problem is, we think we’re one of those midtable sides. But if you look at the table, what are we? 5 pts above the bottom 4? I think 5 pts can be hauled in the remaining games, especially if we don’t get any.

One criticism I heard of Hourihane (who appears to have lost his sainthood) was that ‘he’s playing players out of position’. I think the guy on Praise or Grumble was referring to the GOAT playing at right back. But, apart from Shepherd, I also raise you a Tom Bradshaw. He can’t be a centre forward, can he? He gives ‘doing nothing’ a bad name. He scampers around, being second to everything, can’t hold a ball up if it gets to him, and lacks the ability to beat a player and create an opportunity of his own. So with him and The Kitchen Fitter, we’re down to 9 men. Add in Class of 2024-26 Luca Connell, and a Sri Lankan giraffe (I didn’t know Sri Lanka HAD giraffes) trying not to trip over his own feet, and I don’t see how we’re ever going to win another game of football again.

Coach Conor did, at least, bring Banks and Phillips off the bench to save the situation (they didn’t) but what must these 2 think? Not getting a game behind THAT. (Again, Coach Conor wants to play Yoganathan to increase his value, while I want us to win games. This is the dichotomy we currently face.) Another one is Crapman’s continual involvement, to everyone’s bemusement. After Flavell didn’t disgrace himself at Burton on Good Friday, Crapman is back in the team after his international sojourn. (I would LOVE to see him in goal for Canada in the World Cup, preferably against somebody half decent. They will score TEN.) Solid rumour has it that loan club Crystal Palace are paying his wages and if we don’t play him, WE pay his wages. Which, according to a member of the Supporters’ Trust, is £12k/week. Breathe that in. Six hundred thousand pounds a year to be THAT crap. That means I should be on at least 100k, for all the good I’d do in goal. (I wouldn’t be rooted to my line, for a start. Mind, I think that’s my main problem when I’ve played in goal, I’m not rooted to my line enough!)

Other passing mentions...O’Connell was there, or thereabouts. Let’s just say Plymouth weren’t scoring when the ball was in his and MdG’s vicinity. The GOAT was ok, after the opening minute when he was caught out of position, allowing Argyle to attack down that side. I noticed late on though, as we chased the game, he didn’t kick the ball forward once. Standard.

Cleary beat the odd player, but we didn’t give him the ball till 25 minutes in. Missed a great chance to make a chance by not passing it, with plenty of Reds in the box. Needs to stop believing his hype. (He’s another player whose value is decreasing the more we play him.) Have I missed anyone? The subs, Phillips, Banks, Leo Farrell...were suitably anonymous. I’d love to blame the referee for the defeat, but they scored more goals than we had chances. Scored more goals than we had shots on target. Scored more goals than Bradshaw had touches in their box. Etc etc.

It was awful. (63% possession, btw, so anyone not there can imagine what that looked like.)

Another player who sadly missed the game was former Reds walking footballer Herbie Kane. A hamstring tear means he’s been sent back to Hudds. A pity, I’d have liked to have seen the Battle Royale: Connell v Kane.

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramahs. Talking of which, was A. Reed more angry at the slowness of the service, as he waited for his drinks courtesy of the Wetherspoons app (Spiral was closed) or at Oakwell? Andy? Andy??

Away: 1,242 (10 thousand summat. I heard it, but can’t find the attendance anywhere online.) ‘Can we play you every week?’ Arf.

The Damage:
£8 petrol
= £8