Middlesbrough 3-1 BFC, Saturday 10th March 2018

‘Tell everyone you know.  We’ve got the best midfield in the world.’

Welcome to...Middlesbrough of course (Transporter Bridge)

I’ll start with the above chant.  Our vocal element, not usually known for irony or subtlety, were pounding this out to themselves for 5 minutes of the second half. It comes to something when some of our best ‘supporters’ (in the correct sense of the word) are mocking what purports to be the current ‘team’ (in the correct sense of the word).  Of course, it could merely be a sense of nostalgia, you know, for those heady days of long, long ago.  A time when Hourihane, and Scowen, Watkins and Hammill….and even Llllllloyyyyd Isgrove slayed the beasts of the Championship.  A time when bigger (richer) sides were put to the sword in emphatic style.  A time when it didn’t matter who we had up front (ok, it was Winnall), this team could win games.  In short, last season. Instead, what we had 53 mins in was a shambles of a side, three down, bereft of ideas and confidence, and going through the motions towards relegation. Would Boro score 5 or 6?  Well, it depended on how many they wanted. 

It didn't exactly start great.

So much for the half time team talk, nothing had changed since the players returned (ok, Thiam on for Hedges.  As I said, nothing had changed.)  We were AWFUL in that 1^st half.  I’d say the worst this season, though (as much as I’m loathe to say it) I think Boro are a very good side.  In particular, in Adoama Traore, they have a winger nobody could even get near.  So there was no point in trying.  Penniless was skinned at will at left back.  Would anybody help him out?  No. Why risk embarrassing yourself too. Just leave him to it.  And they did.  One little shimmy on the edge of our box, Traore cuts inside and bang!  2-0 and we’re 18 minutes in.  No illusions about winning this game then, and a repeat of Tuesday’s defeat at Cardiff.  I’m not sure we’re good enough to give teams in the top 6 a two goal headstart on their own turf, but that doesn’t stop us trying.

The Boro ultras.

Course, we were losing before I’d even entered the stadium. Was it 48 seconds or something?  It was my fault really, wanting a 2^nd beer at that great little social club on the way to the stadium.  There was no rush – nothing happens in the first few mins anyway.  Stu still had to buy his ticket (£30: bargain.  I bet hard-up Teessiders weren’t paying that in the home end) so as we headed through the turnstiles, a cheer.  Sounded a bit muffled to me.  Was it the Super Reds!?  Had we missed us taking the lead?  Reality dawned as we entered to see repeats on the concourse screens.  F*** me.  1^st minute.  Etc.

It wasn't warm on Teesside either.

We then elected not to leave our half for the rest of the 45, which was great for us, as Boro were kicking towards our end.  The Super Reds are thoughtful like that.  I’m not sure how it remained at two.  I know it wasn’t Townsend diving all over, saving our bacon.  Problies players like Bamford miskicking from superior positions.  

Still, after conversing with our friend from Wakey at half time (he was depressed too), we wasted no time in going three down.  Townsend comes out for a corner, was never going to get there (he’s too bloody short!)…didn’t get there…and the ball comes off Bamford’s knee and trickles in from 6 yards.  I guess we’re going in for some of that there ‘zonal marking’ everyone’s on about, where you don’t mark the man and don’t bother putting a man on the post. (Actually, with Davies and Townsend in goal, would it be worth experimenting with 11 on the line, cos neither can come out and claim a ball.)  Anyway, more grist to my argument; if we stay up (ha ha haaaaaa) we need two new goalkeepers. If we go down, Davies needs a back-up.

Match action.

Three-nil, game over, fans mocking the team (who’re probably unaware of it, given none of the ‘best midfield in the world’ are even on the pitch at this point) and our goal difference looking like it’s about to be blown to pieces.  Then, guess what? We have a shot.  Gardner, from 20 odd yards.  The keeper is so surprised, he lets it cannon off him, and Moore heads the rebound into an empty net.  Christ, I can’t believe it.  We’ve scored.  MOORE’S scored.  (I never thought I’d see the day.)  The fans regale the team with disbelieving chants of ‘we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal’, followed by a chortling round of ‘we’re gonna win 4-3.’  It was funnier in the Premiership.  Boro, a la Villa, don't appear to like showing action replays on the big screen of their team conceding. How very petty.

Pulis prowls the touchline.

Boro go to pieces.  The manager throws on Isgrove.  Crosses are whipped into the Boro box.  Moore stands just outside it.  (Stu kept wondering why Moore insisted on standing in the wrong place, not even making an effort to move.  I couldn’t tell him. Anybody?)  With 11 mins to go, (even Mallan is on now), a corner from the aforementioned is curled to the back post.  Moore makes the connection.  He can’t miss.  Oh, he has.  Off the post.  No bad luck about it.  Unmissable – and there goes our chance of salvaging something.  We even have time to have the usual penalty appeal turned down, as apparently it isn’t a foul to pull McBurnie back as he runs around you. 

Pulis prowling, Morais...dejected?  

Yes, I’m not sure how that happened, how we nearly made it to nearly…cos believe me, Boro were head and shoulders above us.  (I thought the same in the game at Oakwell, but we BATTLED that day.)  This is my first view of the Super Reds under the new coach, and I’m far from impressed.  If I was him, I’d be looking on my sat-nav and checking out how to get to Oldham, Fleetwood, Walsall and the rest.  Yet, just to emphasize how s*** you can be in this division and still have a chance of staying up…the others around us lose again and we’re STILL not in the bottom 3.  Just what is the lowest points tally of a team staying up?  I’m sure this season will surpass it, cos I have not seen a bottom 4 (5, 6, 7) as bad as what is being witnessed this season, that’s for sure.  Two flukey wins and we’re safe.  Starting with Norwich tomorrow nite, a free hit if ever there was one.  COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Onwards and upwards!

Looking toward the far end.

*** No-one.  Be serious for a minute.

** Isgrove.  Came on for half an hour.  Ran at players, got crosses into the right areas.  No-one there.  What a waste of time.

* Mallan.  Fine, I’m mainly basing this on his renowned deadball delivery, but it IS rather good.  Shame he has to try and find a Barnsley player.  (See above: ‘what a waste of time’.)

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. No-one  2. No-one  3= No-one/Isgrove

Despatches:

I’ll start with Kajagoogoo in midfield.  Who IS that bloke?  Plays like a s*** George Moncur.  Ah, right, it’s our new signing, Krasmuller or somesuch.  If there was a wrong ball to be played, he played it.  He’s either Mike Sheron, on a different level to everyone else, or he’s Mike Sheron.  S***.  (Hopefully the former.)  Gardner and Williams ran around being s***.  When one plays, he’s generally very good.  When the pair of them are there, it’s the opposite.  Two pluses making a negative?  That Cavare must be some player.  Cos Yiadom can’t get a game.  Christ on a bike.  Penniless improved 2^nd half.  Well, he had to.  Good to see Jackson back (against his old team, to boot) though he wasn’t great.  Lindsay wasn’t too bad (this is all relative).  Hedges was dogs***.  Did he even touch the ball before being brought off.  Worst right winger in the world.  Here’s a clue: he can only kick a ball with his LEFT foot.  I’d try playing him on the left.  (I am a true radical.)  Thiam came on at half time.  I told Stu that he charges about, runs at players, gets the fans excited, delivers nothing.  Well, I was right on the last point.  Moore lacked presence, which is impressive for a GIANT.  McBurnie remains our only hope.  But you knew that already.

ps, I f***ing hate the countryside.  Without boring you to death, it took me 3 hours after the match to cover the 16 or so miles from Middlesbrough to north-east epicentre Ferryhill, via public transport.  P***ing it down, as well.  I did though return to The Smoke with three (count ‘em!) pots of pease pudding.  Yum!

Home time.  One last shot.

Drink du jour: A couple of pints of IPA for the Captain, PA for me, and one measly beer for Stu, who was driving back to Oxfordshire later.  (Clever timing – or poor -  Stu was up here for business.)

Away: 1,037.  Decent vocal support, considering the lack of product.

The Damage:
£8 Megabus up
£54 train back
£3 prog
£30 ent
£10.30 two poxy buses from Smoggyville to Ferryhill
= £105.30

The Tunes:
Silver or Lead (Ursula Rucker)
Let Them Eat Chaos (Kate Tempest)
All Melody (Nils Frahm)
The Digging Remedy (Plaid)
Northumbrian Voices (Kathryn Tickell)
Uh Huh Huh (PJ Harvey)

Riverside panorama.

Boro 3-1 Barnsley, Saturday 26th April 2014 (relegation special)

‘Barnsley didn’t look like they wanted to stay up.’

Plenty of flags and seats.  Especially seats.

If ever there was a damning indictment of this game and our entire season, this was it – delivered by a Boro fan on local radio after the match.  We were awful, with intermittent average bits in the second half.  Who’d have thought we were in last chance saloon, needing to win, or die trying?  It was desperately poor – as it has been all season.  (When was the last time any of us could name every SINGLE victory of a season?  Cos I can with this one.)

1^st half, when we had the ball (possession-wise it wasn’t far off even), we ambled forward, knocked it sideways sideways backwards while nobody got up the park to support the forward line.  Of course, we were REALLY going for it, cos Wilson actually put 2 ‘forwards’ on the pitch if you include Pedersen. (And if you’ve been wondering what the Norweigan Pest has been doing these last few months, it appears to be…eating pies.  Vitesse Arnhem will be chuffed to bits when they see him next.)  We were getting nowhere, nowhere fast.

When they had the ball, they sliced through us time and again.  Some bloke called Butterfield appeared to be calling the shots.  It was bizarre watching an ex-player, someone who you know can shoot, be given the freedom of the park to trot forward and have a go.  A bit like teams used to let Redfearn do, to my amazement.  Thankfully, Steele was there to save the day.  And then there were the throughballs.  Boro obviously have something we DON’T have – scouts.  Cos they seemed to know that if you drop a ball BEHIND M’Voto, he’ll never be able to turn around and run after it.  Cue a series of one-on-ones Steele saved.  It coulda..shoulda…been 5 or 6 at the break.  We crawled in goalless.  Maybe it was gonna be our day!!??  (Don’t worry folks, I never for once thought we were going to win this game.  Avoiding embarrassment appeared as good as we could hope.)

The sides are introduced...

2^nd half, more of the same, till we got a corner.  Would ‘TK’ dink another pointless ball into the keeper’s arms, like the 2 in the first half?  (The lady who I sat next to thought I was a clairvoyant when I correctly predicted TK would do this with his first one.)  Well…TK did indeed dink a gentle outswinging corner in and while Boro ran around like chickens in the 6 yard box, M’Voto was allowed to gently sidefoot a bobbler into the far corner.  (Wadd: pls note, ANOTHER goal wot would have been avoided had they a man on the line).  The worst defended corner in history.  Anyway, who cares…’HE’S MAGIC YOU KNOW, YOU’LL NEVER GET PAST M’VOTO’.  (Strangely, no ‘he scores when he wants’ this week).

But damn right – you’ll never get past M’Voto.  You don’t have to.  Within a minute he’s handed Tomlin the ball on a plate for the latter to rifle home off the far post.  Oh the irony - the ex-Posh striker must have been p***ing himself after that goal.

Then Boro take pity on us.  They take off Butterfield, the best outfield player on the park.  From the away end, there’s a smattering of boos and applause. For what it’s worth, I applauded him off, and he turned round and applauded me for applauding him.  Class act.  Compare to Perkins, Dawson, O’Brien, Mellis, Cywka…anyone in our midfield, really.  ‘One greedy ba5tard’?  Yeah, he coulda signed a new contract with us, but we can blame Hill for that one…he shoulda tied him down long before THAT injury.  A caller to Radio Tees described the substitution thus: ‘We took Butterfield off and we went to pot.’

I know, it’s hard to believe, given the final score, but it gave us an ‘in’.  Boro lost their fluency and we started creating some half chances.  Lardar5e was taken off and German Nick came on, and JoB returned for Lawrence.  Soon after, Herman prodded a volley just wide (unlucky: it was a snapshot) while O’G shot over.  Mind, Nick ruined another attack by going one way, then the other then back again before running the ball out of play.  With at least two chances to cross the ball, or cut it back to Dawson, this was the finest impression of Paddy McCourt since…Paddy McCourt.  Then, a defender slipped and we were 2 on one….but the defender took one for the team, diving on the ball, handling it and getting a booking.  We never came close again, though Danny Rose came on and did at least actually run 10 yards and fling himself at a cross (too high) while everyone else stood and watched.

With injury time looming and us camped on the edge of their box, O’Brien lost it cheaply and they ran to the other end to score, albeit from the rebound after Steele saved ANOTHER one-on-one.  Still, we had 5 mins to bag two, but while the foul on Jennings on the edge of their box was ignored, they ran up the field again to notch, Steele outnumbered.

So there it is, goodbye Championship, hello Ale House League.  Down with a whimper.  (What a great chant!  ‘Down with a whimper, we’re going down with a whimper..’)  A fair few Reds left at 2-1 while the rest stayed to applaud the team off and give it ‘Barnsley till I die’.  If only the players would give it some – we have been down since the opening day (0-4 at home!?)  The recent away wins have only delayed the inevitable.  Unbelievably, we’d problies have stayed up this year on 46 pts – 10 less than last year when we scraped up.  And we couldn’t even get that.

ONE of their home ends...

*** Ste-ele (Ste-ele).  So far the MOTM it’s untrue.  After the other players were trooping off, he came over to applaud us.  This finally looks like the end for us and Steele – far and away the best player we have.  I’ll be sorry to see him go.

** No-one.  We have a match to win and nobody else turned up.  F***ing appalling.

* Dawson.  Prompted and drove from midfield and looked alright, actually (once Butterfield had gone off).

Despatches:
M’Voto is lost when teams don’t punt balls to his head.  Anything behind him and we are in serious, serious trouble.  (See also, the goals 3^rd division Cov scored to beat us in the FA Cup).  Why Crainie wasn’t the last man, I’m not sure.  I think he was marking Graham, which allowed Tomlin et al to run in behind.  Jennings was garbage.  Never had a kick till late on, when he kept trying to cut inside for a shot despite having better placed players to kick it to. O’Brien came on and confused our entire forward line with a gorgeous reverse pass.  It was like Sheron in his pomp – different wavelength to the rest of the team!  But our forwards could make Zico look like a numpty, having NO IDEA where to run to for a goalscoring opportunity.

Oh, and after the match I met a disconsolate Sir Bobby of Hassell in the car park (with his mate Lawrence – they must have got out quick!)  I wished him the best for his testimonial, but he really did look like he was fuming.  A sorry end to the Great Man’s BFC career.  I thanked him and wished him luck, presuming he wasn’t going to be with us next year.

Away: c 1000.  Not the 1700 who went all the way to Plymouth t’other year with BELIEF.  And not the 3000 (free tickets) Blackpool took to Wigan to cheer their team to victory and give them a chance of staying up.  Still, plenty of ironic chants of ‘Your ground’s too big for you’ and ‘We’ve got more fans than you’.  The rest of the ground really did look empty.

Over and out.
A

The road to division 3.

Barnsley 3-2 Boro, Saturday 19th October 2013

'What a f***ing creature'

We are officially the worst team to ever hold a three goal lead in a football match.  We were dreadful and Boro were worse.  Apart from a couple of minutes towards half time, it was dismal.  We couldn’t complete a pass and who knows what would’ve happened had Boro opened the score early on when our ‘offside trap’ once again went shockingly wrong.  Indeed, their bloke looked so amazed that he was given onside that he had time to turn around, look at the linesman, look at our defenders (nearest one: 10 yards away) turn around and blaze the ball over the bar.  To Butland’s credit, he hared out of goal, possibly putting the player off.

However, I think we’ve just used a season’s worth of luck in one game.  A player too unfit to complete half an hour is allowed to waltz past half the Boro team for #1, O’Brien has a long range effort deflected off O’Grady for #2 and our 3^rd comes when Pedersen, in slow motion, makes sure he gets hit for a pen (international class).  At least this allows a lacklustre Butterfield to be regaled wiith ‘Jacob, Jacob what’s the score?’, probably the first time this has been sung since Old Testament times.  Boro responded with ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’.  You can’t expect to stay in a job if you’re getting tanked off Barnsley.  That goes for any team.

So, 3-0 at half time.  Unbelievable, Jeff.  People were laughing under the stands (well, they were in the East upper), the situation was beyond hilarious. Could we f*** it up?  Well, I’ll give it to the Super Reds, they tried.  Out they came, 2^nd half, a team full of Mellises (Mellisi?  What’s the plural of a Mellis?), simply strolling through proceedings, not being at all bothered about the time and space afforded them as Boro pushed half their team up front.  This was neatly summed up in a half ar5ed attempted chip from a clean through Pedersen, the ball scuffed gently along the floor to a retreating keeper.  Then the actual Mellis was taken off, so we only had 10 of them and Polish Tom had his usual thrusting cameo (why does he never start a game?).

But of course, when we fail to put a team to the sword, we’ll always give them an opportunity to hit back.  Boro missed a great opportunity with 12 mins left. I can’t remember the miss, I just remember thinking ‘that’s it.  Their chance has gone.  They’ll not get back into it now.’  I can’t believe I allowed my inate scepticism to waver for a moment.  It took 4 mins for it to return.  O’Brien was skinned for the 4^th time in 15 minutes at right back (2 questions: 1.  Why was nobody covering him after the 1^st time he was skinned? 2.  How did O’Brien end up at right back for the last 20 minutes, while Wiseman was still on the pitch?  Where had HE gone?)  Anyway…yes, O’Brien was skinned, the ball was pulled back, and Adomah hit a crisp finish which looped in off a defender and over a despairing Butland.  The hunt for a clean sheet goes on.  2 mins later and it really is squeaky bum time, as a hopeful ball into the box is missed by everyone and Adomah bags another.  I really don’t understand how the ball got to him, it never seemed to go above head height and one, if not two, of our players simply allowed it to pass them.

This woke the fans (and players) up though.  All of a sudden, there was a game on.  You could see the players putting in a shift, desperate not to give Boro anything.  Why does it need them to score for us to do this?  Including injury time, it was 10 mins of hanging on, though Boro only had one chance in that time, when the ref allowed a blatant push to go unpunished (to be fair, he’d given us everything else: see earlier comment re: luck) and that player’s knockdown was put wide from 6 yards.  Phew.

*** O’Grady.  Held the ball up, time and again he put himself between their player and the ball and used his strength well.  Notched two, though neither were goal of the season contenders – a penalty and a ball that hit him.  Sponsors MOTM.

** M’Voto.  Won everything in the air against million pound man Jukowicz (sp?).  And he had to win a lot, as Boro launched it almost as much as Washday do, 1^st half.

* Crainie.  Along with M’Voto, shut the door on the Boro attack.

Away: 2200.

Despatches:
Butland was again magnificent, yet proof magnificent is never enough in our goal was in conceding another 2.  I thought Kennedy was decent, till the last 15 when Boro hit on this amazing idea of giving their terrific wingers the ball – after that, they tore us to pieces on both flanks.  O’Brien did well, till he found himself at right back.  The rest were a bit crap, actually.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?  I was ambling towards t’Well wondering this.  As it’s 20 odd years since I lived in the north-east, can I really carry on despising a team (Boro) whose fans I never see anymore?  Well, on encountering a few of the Smoggies (Smog Monsters) near the ground, I can quite categorically say ‘YES’.  Ever masters of supreme irony, their drunken strains of ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ sounds even worse when they’ve yet to even get in the stadium.  Listen lads, if you wanna leave, the train station’s BEHIND you.  And do you really intend to sing ‘MiddlesBORE, MiddlesBORE’. Too bl**dy true.  Still, we had the joys of a Boro fan in our midst on the train.  Number of mentions of not seeing ‘Kes’ in Barnsley: four.  Number of allusions to raping women: three

Drink du jour: JD and DC (Diet coke).  2 litres of JD between 5 (and Gerry) = very drunk.  So naturally me, Andy and Slacki went to Caminos once we got back, where I vaguely remember drinking something pink.  Maybe the other 2 can confirm?  I also cannot remember leaving Camino’s, or where I caught the bus from, but I do remember missing my stop.  Again.

So, here it is, we’ve now won 2 games – and coincidentally against teams with former ‘star’ players…Hamill and Butterfield.  Are there any other ex-players in this league?  It might be our best chance of winning a 3^rd game this season.

Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!