BFC 1-1 Fulham, Saturday 12th March 2022

‘Palmer. That f***er can’t even f***ing stand up, the f***er.’

Is there anything better than watching your favourite player score an equaliser late in a crucial game? Why, yes, YES THERE IS – seeing your least favourite players combine to help gift the opposition an equaliser in a game we seemed destined to win against the odds. Go Palmer! Go Benson! No, seriously, IN THE NAME OF GOD, GO! Coach Asbaghi must have read my last report, bemoaning how I missed being angry for 90 minutes watching this pair of unmentionables strut their stuff on the hallowed Oakwell turf. So with 10 minutes left, ‘just for sh*ts and giggles’ Asbaghi said later*, he put Benson on to join his mate (subbed on after 68) to see the game out against a Fulham side who’d barely threatened Collins all day. You know what happens next…

*not really. But if I put this onto the world wide web, I s’pose I’d better cover myself.

A ball drops in midfield and Cheech and Chong, up against 2 opponents, somehow find themselves the wrong side of the ball. We are now wide open, a pass to their right sees multi-million pounds signing Harry Wilson cut inside and do the inevitable, the inevitable being watching a super talented left-footed player curl a beautiful finish into the far top corner from 20 yards. Resistance broken, Wilson later went on to miss one of the easiest chances I’ve ever seen, heading wide under no pressure with an open goal. So, small mercies for the point.

Rewinding slightly though...if I’m not going to blame Palmer and Benson, or Asbaghi, the fault for Fulham’s equaliser lay with another recent target for blame…Callum Brittain. If he’d been where he should have been in the first half, as we looked to break, Matty Wolfe wouldn’t have been caught in possession, leading to a yellow for scything down his opponent. Wolfe gains possession, looks wide for Brittain….who’s 20 yards behind him, more worried about his opponent though we have the ball. Without that yellow, there’s no way Palmer comes on after 68…is there? Of course, that doesn’t explain why Asbaghi has put Benson on for Bassi. Except that he found putting Cole on for Bassi (midweek) leads to an equaliser for the opposition. Listen, Bassi might have been TIRED, but he’s also CLEVER. Cleverer than anything else in a red shirt. He’ll give Fulham something to think about, beyond ‘BRILLIANT! Barnsley have given up! They’ve sent on a centre midfield who have consistently, and without fail, failed this season.' The slowest, least creative, least physical, least anything, we could possibly put on that pitch. How bad must Hondermarck be? Despite a couple of promising cameos, he’s still passed over for this pair of pr*cks.

Sorry, I was meant to be POSITIVE. We were great. We really were. Fulham, top of the league and with players that cost more than our entire team, struggled to gain any momentum. And we didn’t sit back. No, we pressed high, won the ball, and invariably found our own players (till Palmer came on, blah blah). And we took the lead, as Morris outmuscled a defender (Tosin?) and powered his way into the box for a penalty. It looked iffy at the time. Were his legs taken? Was he pulled back (he certainly was outside the box)? No, he’d simply slipped. No matter. A very generous ref, having taken oodles of time to think about it, pointed to the spot. 1-0, as Morris blasts it in. This is the 44th minute, and yet we still had time to nearly score a second, as Morris chests a ball too far, but lifts it over the keeper….towards the net….but cleared off the line. A superb effort from Morris, though I couldn’t help but think if he’d left it, Vita was in a better position.

Second half…it was more of the same, wasn’t it? Helik winning everything against Mitrovic, Gomes cleaning up in midfield, and Vita scampering about annoying anything and everything. (Think of a midgety Chris Dagnall. Or indeed, Chris Dagnall.) We couldn’t even rely on time-wasting, either, as the ref booked Morris for sprinting 20 yards to prevent a quick free kick. I know, I know, this is a pet peeve, but I applaud any ref who clamps down on this ‘game management’. If only refs knew they’re allowed to pull up OPPOSITION players for this, too. Mind, he was kept busy enough with Fulham’s continual attempts to take free kicks from the incorrect place, trying to steal yards here, there and everywhere. If you do this with a throw-in, (in theory) possession is ceded. But in the world of free kicks, Fulham just get to take it from the proper place.

Then Palmer came on. Then Benson came on. Then we got relegated.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Helik. Tonight, Matthew, I’ll keep the Championship record goalscorer quiet. And clear 2 off the line / as near as makes no difference.
** Andersen. Why not? Centre halves come in partnerships, and these two make a great partnership. Come see them while you can!
* Gomes. I thought he was tremendous, especially 1st half. The unsung cog in our bargain bicycle chain.

Official MOTM: Vita. Obviously made an impression running around out of position.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Helik 2. Andersen 3. Vita

Despatches:
I made someone laugh on Satdy. I know – imagine! I was leaving Oakwell and just chatting to a face I know. ‘Oh yes’ I said, ‘I nearly forgot….my dad died this week.’ A bloke alongside chortled nervously, his mind blown. But that’s the power of football. The power of Romal Palmer. It can take your mind off some of the other things in life, like life.

I’m not a vindictive person (yes I am) but that Palmer bloke needs to start worrying about life too, his contract’s up in the summer. The biggest smile I saw all day was from Jonesy when I told him this news in the pub, post-match. It’s nice to be the bearer of good tidings. (What’s the odds we give him a new contract?)

Pre-subs, Asbaghi’s tictacs seemed spot on, albeit with Vita playing up front, wide right, in a 4-2-3-1. Only Barnsley FC can take not one, but two, left sided defenders and turn them into right sided attackers. Anyway, Vita was a pest, even if he had little chance to prove his attacking ability. Wolfe again gave us some steel in midfield. Christ, he can even run with the ball, as he did on one occasion, 30 yards. I’m bored now making comparisons to his predecessors. Quina continued to threaten, and continued to hog the ball in promising positions. But he certainly presents a promise few, if any others, do. Morris battled, and deserved his reward. He’ll be a real asset in division 3. (I say this without irony.)

Oh, and no wonder we’re fighting relegation. In an interview in the programme, Adeboyejo tells us the best player he’s ever played with plays for 4th tier Leyton Orient!

Drink du jour: IPA in Spiral City. Cheers whoever got me one in.

Away: 1,074. Massive club.

Number of league games since the Super Reds went on to win a game having conceded an equaliser: 47. Another game is gone once the opposition equalise.

The Damage:
c. £35 petrol
£3 programme
£12 hat
= c. £50

The Tunes:
BBC5live

Fulham 4-1 BFC, Saturday 20th November 2021

‘At least we’ve got the organ grinder today, and not the monkey.’

They must be a most unhealthy lot in that there London, given the number of medical exemptions there must be to qualify for travelling via TFL without a mask on. Or maybe they’re just illiterate and can’t read? Either way, I’d say TFL’s insistence on passengers wearing a mask to…you know…help prevent the transmission of some terrible disease…is being ignored by a good 40% of travellers and approximately 100% of those under 20. Of course, my deeply scientific research is based purely on the carriages and buses I was in.

YES! I was in London village, my home of 28 or so years that I hadn’t set foot in for over a year due to ‘circumstances beyond my control’ (another phrase I’ve grown used to with TFL over the years). I’d forgotten how much I love London. The ‘blitz spirit’ which means we’re immune to any enemy invasion, whether it be Nazis, terrorists, or pandemics. The number of people staggering around at 3 in the morning…or even walking through Rotherhithe Tunnel (how do they breathe in there?). And foxes scanning the Sarf Landan streets for evidence of kebab. And the beggars / homeless. I’ll say this for Ferryhill, we don’t have people out on the street. (Too bloody cold.)

I’d been eyeing Fulham away for a fortnight, and even my dad’s best efforts to die last week didn’t put me off. (He left his bed for the first time in 13 months, as he was whisked to hospital, choking to death and turning a different colour. Luckily, he survived. Collected at 3pm, he saw a doctor by 10….and was sent home by carriage (ambulance) at 4am. Good job I have a greedy cat – Redfearn woke me up at 3:45 wanting food. Anyway, dad’s fine, or as fine as one can be with Alzheimers, Parkinson’s and renal cancer, to name but three.

I drove down late Friday night, once dad had settled. (I’d arranged my cousin to come and stay Satdy). Roads’d be empty, I thought. Should make good time, I thought. I was kicked off the motorway 4 times, as well as enduring 20 odd miles of ‘average speed limit’ around Northamptonshire. Even coming toward London I was kicked off the M1 as it met the M25. Anyway, it was nice to see so many roadmen out at night. Someone has to put them cones out.

After my longest uninterrupted sleep in a year (see: Redfearn / dad) I was raring to go. Who doesn’t love a trip to Fulham? The walk through the park, the Thames alongside, the Cottage…the ridiculously priced pints in Parson’s Green. Yes, we were back at the White Horse, and given the amount of money I’ve saved by NOT going to the pubs of Ferryhill, who cared that my pint cost £6.80? (Well, Lord Selwood, actually, cos he got it in!) But it wasn’t just any pint. Unpasteurised Pilsner Urquell. This really is the amber nectar, albeit more than 3 times the price of the same pint in its home, Plzen, Czech Republic.

Did I drink too much pre-match? Or was I simply enjoying matchday too much to worry about the match? Dunno. I sat with Anton, 1st half, had a good natter, then joined ‘the boys’ second. I know Fulham ran rings around us, though I was very disappointed in the way we conceded the opener. A cross came, in, Mitrovic was being marked by not one, but two experienced centre halves…oh, no he isn’t. 1-0. Their second…didn’t we give them the ball (I s’pose all goals start from the opposition ‘giving them the ball’)..a lucky rebound and he’s clean through. The 3rd, he shins it in and their 4th we just stand and watch. I don’t know why the left sided defender (Jordan Williams?) doesn’t just applaud too, if he’s that admiring.

Inbetween all that, and them hitting the woodwork twice, and ruining countless other breaks with a misplaced last pass, we actually pull one back at 3-0. Cauley has an open goal, 3 yards out..and hits the post. That’ll do wonders for the lad’s confidence. Big Vic faces a harder job burying the rebound, but shows Cauley how it should be done. 3-1 flattered us, as did 4-1. If Fulham had repeated their 7-0 whitewash of Blackburn, we couldn’t have complained. I loved every minute.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. I hear Palmer played well. I don’t remember him being on the pitch (seriously). If Palmer’s a ball playing midfielder…and we didn’t have the ball…what did he do?
** No-one. I don’t remember Jesus Christ Carlton Morris either, though I heard he came on. Did he start? Either way, his second coming was on a par with the Stone Roses. (Niche cultural reference, that one.)
* No-one. Yeah, yeah, Collins made a couple of saves, but nothing any keeper wouldn’t have dealt with, and he didn’t deal with at least 4 others

Londontykes' MOTM:
1. Palmer 2= Collins / No-one

Despatches: The real highlight of the game was the fans. The worse it got, the louder it got (in the away end). Much to Chris’s annoyance, all we had left was sarcasm and renditions of oldies but goldies. (‘Jason, Jason Jason, Jason Jason, Jason Jason Scotland…Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon Harewood’ and something about Bambo Diabo’s d*** amongst others. Mind, points knocked off for anything to do with ‘f***ing the Pope’ (WTF???) and I’m left scratching my head at ’10 German bombers’. I didn’t realise Fulham were Nazis. Or was Lord Haw Haw a Cottager? Very probably, from what I’ve heard… But the best was at 2-0. ‘Let’s pretend we’ve scored a goal’ went the chant…and while the away end bounced, the rest of the ground joined in. Fulham had made it three-zero. Still, every time they scored, all you could hear was ‘Barn-sa-lee, Barn-sa-lee’. Home fans to our right smacked their little Leicester City clappers like seals at a circus. And then when we did score, it was met by our new goal chant…’we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal, we’ve scored a goal.’ I don’t think Chris cared for that one much, either. But, honestly, if we left the sarcasm at home, we’d cry. (Chris then did joke about the new manager taking one look at this bunch and getting back on a plane to Sweden that night. Let’s just say he’s got his work cut out.)

Drink du jour: Like Highlander, there can be only one. Pilsner Urquell, unpasteurised. ‘Arrrr much!?’

Away: A lot more than this team deserves. 1200? Maybe more.

The Damage:
c. £90 petrol
£30 ent
£3.50 programme
= c. £123.50 (plus beers!)

The Tunes:
None. Soaking in the London vibes!

BFC 1-3 Fulham, Saturday 27th January 2018

Patrick Cryne, R.I.P.

Wow.  What a game.  Up against the most formist form team of the division, we put up a fight.  We took the game to them.  We were the better team.  We were winning (1-0).  And then…and then….Dimitri Cavare (is that REALLY his 1^st name?) runs 6 yards to shove over a Cottager.  No need, no excuse.  I don’t care he’s disgruntled cos of his earlier yellow.  About the only thing the ref got wrong here was in not giving him a straight red.  What an imbecile.  And nevermind that shoving a Fulham player in the back results in a clutching of the face.  Dimitri – if you’re gonna get sent off, tw*t the f***er in the mush, not some cowardly shove from behind.  Anyway thanks, you cost us.

Hit the road, Jack (Cavare).

Things had been going so well too.  A lovely one-touch move down the left ended with Moncur having a shot blocked – by Kiefer Moore.  Fulham weren’t at the races.  Obviously it was destined to be emotional, Patrick’s death this week and all (a minute’s silence pre-match).  But our players were hungry for it.  Fulham shrunk.  They just didn’t look up for it, aside from the diving and cheating.  These Premiership wannabees eh?  I particularly enjoyed one, as the ref blew his whistle and brandished a card.  FINALLY, a ref in this division willing to stand up to it. Oh, hang on, he’s given Fulham the free kick.  The booking was for Cavare.  (If I was him, I’d be very very cross indeed and probably do something stupid later on.)  It was equally bizarre because the incident was in our penalty area.  

Flags out for Patrick.  Be proud, Patrick.

Still, we only had a couple of minutes with 10 men before half time and we were winning, Lindsay popping in the rebound from a corner after the keeper saved with his legs.  Said keeper then ran 40 yards to remonstrate with the ref and be cautioned.  I didn’t think there was anything in it myself (I wouldn’t, would I?) as a Reds player in the box simply didn’t move out of the way.  Since when is it an offence to stand still in the box?

900 and odd Fulham.  Most must have arrived later.

I made a beeline for downstairs at half time.  (Without my dad, who’s had enough of coming ‘till we start winning’, I’m doing a tour of the ground; this week, upstairs and a fine view 1^st half; downstairs and Slacki’s company 2^nd.)  I wanted Slacki’s opinion on what we were seeing.  Slacki had spotted an investment opportunity while on the train up: the Super Reds were 3/1 to win a home game. Odds he simply couldn’t turn down.  We told him not to, but 43 minutes in he was looking very much the sage.  (Let’s ignore the fact that we barely win 1/3 of our home games whether we’re playing crack outfits like Fulham or not).  Anyway, as I said, up until Cavare’s sending off, we were very much in the ascendancy.

The view from the upper tier.

Course, the 2^nd half was a different proposition.  Would we…could we…last?  With 60 seconds gone, I told Ian ‘only 44 minutes to go’. I considered doing this for every minute we lasted out, but decided this might be irritating.  We last 4, which were about the number of defenders who failed to stop their right winger from cutting in, before a shot off the post was knocked in.  Like Julian Clary, a bit of a bummer.  Still, only another 40 minutes for the draw….

The view from pitchside.

And actually, we looked pretty comfortable after that.  Pinnilos had already come on at left back for Bradshaw to strengthen the defence, but bringing on Hedges and Thiam for Hammill and a knackered Moore suggested we were going for it.  Hedges broke from the halfway line, beat 3 players and banged in a 20 odd yarder which the keeper did well to fist away.  Then, I did that thing which always results in the opposition bagging: I started thinking ‘we could get a point here’.  Injury time loomed.  Fulham looked nothing.  Then a right wing cross and a player headed it down at the back stick and it bounced high over Davies, who’d come toward it.  Davies fists it up, then has another go as it comes down again, before someone or other bundles the ball over the line.  In real time, I thought he was unlucky.  Having seen it again on telly, we need a new keeper.  Why’s he fisting it in the air when he could simply tip it over the bar?  Probably cos he’s not very good.  Then, in further injury time, Fulham win the ball when a player climbs all over ours right in front of the ref, they break upfield and superior numbers end with a tap-in.  Double bummer.

It was one of those days. We’d lost, but everyone felt a lot more optimistic about our chances of staying up.  It’s certainly the best we’ve played since Brum at home over 2 months ago.  Now, if only f***ing Cavare…

Onwards and upwards!

Lighting up the Ponty for Patrick.

*** Pearson.  Cleared, blocked.  Outstanding at centre half, especially 1^st half.

** Lindsay.  Cracking game, and scored.  Twitter MOTM (I think).

* Moore.  Gardner.  Looks a different player as defensive mid.

Despatches:
Surely the time has come to buy a new keeper.  I’ve had enough of defending Davies. With his shot stopping now…shot…his inability to command the area…his inconsistent (tho improved) kicking…we at least need someone who can push him in the 1^st team.  Not Townsend, then.  Yiadom looked excellent again, while Moncur busied himself about.  Mallan, I’m not so sure about.  Early days, but has taken over Williams’ role as bloke most likely to give the ball away in his own half.  Also had a tendency to hit the 1^st man on corners.  Hammill worked hard, and only had one lunge at their bloke. Moore looked very promising and it surprised some he was taken off, but he looked spent.  Bradshaw….well, let’s say he was the unlucky recipient of Cavare’s red, being hauled off at half time. At least he now knows he’s no longer number 1 in our frontal pecking order.

Oh, and bad news for The Captain, who found out that the Reds were due to play Hull on FA Cup 5^th round day.  Cue fingers crossed…but Hull winning anyway.  Still, maybe they’ll get a home draw???

Away: c900.  About twice what we expected of Fulham, and about half what they ought to bring, given their home crowds, league position, expectancy, etc

Drink du jour: Vodka and orange.  After a few recent half-hearted efforts, Reedy and myself were back on form, polishing off a whole bottle.  Which gave us the appetite for a beer in the Parcel Yard.

The Damage:
£23.80 train
£3 prog
= £26.80

The Tunes:

50,000 Fall Fans Can’t Be Wrong (The Fall). Mark Smith, R.I.P.
Shepherd Moons (Enya)
Four-Calendar Cafe (Cocteau Twins)
Lovelife (Lush)

Match programme.  Patrick Cryne, R.I.P.  Thanks for everything.

Upper tier panorama v Fulham.

Lower tier panorama v Fulham.

Welcome to .....

Flowers left in memory of Patrick.

The Ponty v Fulham.

2nd half action.

Looking toward the Ponty, again.

Fulham 2-1 BFC, Saturday 23rd December 2017

‘We’re richer than you, we’re richer than you, we’re Barnsley FC, we’re richer than you.’

Welcome to ....

This is novel. We’re in Fulham, West London, and all I can hear are Barnsley fans chanting about being richer than them.  Must be the Billy Beane / Chinese / American consortium effect..  ‘We’ve got Billy Beane, Billy Beane…la la la la la la la la’.  Let the good times roll!

Optimism wasn’t high pre-match (unless you’re Andy ‘Bradshaw to get two’ Jones) but who cares?  We were in the White Horse, Parson’s Green, and they’ve Pilsner Urquell unpasteurised in the vat.  I’ll take 3.  I’d take more, but I have a match to attend.  The athletes (Reedy, Rock ‘n’ Roll Jim, me) elect to walk the 20 odd minutes, the rest get ubers.  What is it with the youth of today?  One of the glories of Fulham and Craven Cottage is the walk.  Where else in London do you get a park to walk through and glimpses of the Thames?  Have you ever been to Tottenham?

The pre-match hullabaloo.

Numbers were unsurprisingly down on last season’s incredible 1800. Christmas doesn’t help, and neither does two points in seven games.  I cannot remember the last time we looked like scoring in open play and surely only a miracle will prevent me picking up mountains of moolah after Bradshaw’s latest failure.  Whothehell would bet he’d score a dozen before Xmas?

Putney End...neutrals and away fans alike.

The Fulham boys won’t let us put our flag up (no fire safety certificate) but at least we can stand up and generate an atmosphere. And it was very lively early doors, till we realised the Fulham fans weren’t offering anything and ditto the Barnsley attack.  The game was generally spent in and around our box, though Moncur spurned the best opportunity, ghosting in to sidefoot a volley over at the far end.  Their keeper also came out and messed up and if Barnes had a right foot, surely he’d have lifted it over him into an empty net.  He didn’t.

The teams come out.

Nil-nil at half time, but it takes less than 10 minutes of the 2^nd half to concede one of our trademark goals: the cut inside and drill home from 20 odd yards.  Along with the backpost header, we must let in more of these goals than any other team in the world.  It’s a decent strike, too, bottom corner, but why don’t we score these goals?  Oh yes, we need a player who can hit a ball from this range.  At least it’s not Williams who’s being waltzed around this time, it’s defensive lynchpin Moncur.  Who will rid us of this turbulent believer in priests?

Must be Christmas..the 3 wise men are here.

By now, ‘Last Christmas’ is banging around the away end and the Fulham goal does nought for it to subside.  It must have gone on for 15-20 minutes without respite.  Then Hecky brings on Isgrove (welcome back!) and Hammill on either wing, the former looking especially dangerous merely by running about and being keen.  Both are a vast improvement on Thiam (another failure when on from start) and Moncur.  Who will rid us….etc

The view from the Exec boxes.

Still, it comes as some surprise when the Super Reds do equalise, Yiadom playing in a peach of a long cross for Bradshaw to sneak in and head home.  THE MAN!!!!!!!!!!!  I did say I was hoping he’d bag one, if only to make the bet interesting.  In the next few minutes Bradders furthermore narrowly fails in a scramble, while he drags a 20 yarder wide with his left, with others in more promising positions.  The match is now truly on, or at least till Fulham put a cross in from the right…and it flies over Davies and into the net. Jammy f***ing ba5tards.  But why was Davies on the front post?  Another entirely avoidable goal and despite Isgrove’s best efforts, we never really threaten again.  Time to get to the pub, claim my £30 of winnings…then spend £40 on a round.  A victory of sorts, then….

*** Lindsay.  Won everything in the middle, broke up play. 
** Pinnock.  Good partnership with Lindsay and a couple of crucial blocks.
* Yiadom.  Back to form – in time to engineer a move in the January transfer window.

Onwards and upwards!

Looking towards the Hammersmith End.

Despatches:
Isgrove was unlucky not to be top 3, outstanding.  Hopefully he’ll be in the starting XI soon.  Otherwise, we’re nothing if Barnes isn’t on it, and he hasn’t been for weeks.  McCarthy didn’t have a great game.  The more fans sing about how he never loses the ball….the more he loses the ball.  Can we just bin this s*** chant?  I’d be tempted to bin Thiam and Ugbo too.  Will Thiam EVER score a goal in open play?  The less said about the latter the better.  The future of England my front bottom.  And don’t point out to Loko how Williams loses the ball, or you might see how Loko loses his temper.  Thankfully Reedy did it for me.  ‘BUT HE’S ONLY LOST IT TWICE!!!!’ screamed Loko, proving he’s at least one short of fingers (and that was just the 1^st half).

On the plus side, we’re now only two points above relegation and yours truly has £20 wagered on us going down.  Last week the pre-match vote in the pub was 10-1 in favour of us staying up. Let’s see what it is by New Year’s Day…

The cottage, bedecked in Xmas lights.

Drink du jour: Pilsner Urquell unpasteurised, Big Wave IPA, Pilsner Urquell unpasteurised.  I reckon me and Reedy made double figures, Satdy.  And about two-thirds the way through that number I had Alison hectoring me for daring to be part of the home-homing fraternity.  Seems I’m not allowed to hold left wing views if I own a house!  Too right! 

Away: c600.  Best atmosphere of the season, incredible.

The Damage:
£20 ent
£3.50 programme
= £23.50

The Tunes:
A Deeper Understanding (The War on Drugs)
Let Them Eat Chaos (Kate Tempest)
It’s Album Time (Todd Terje)
The Far Field (Future Islands)

Fulham v Barnsley panorama.

The Riverside Stand.

Pilsner Urquell unpasteurised.  The amber nectar.

Darkness descends on Barnsley's chances.

Alison's fabulous (free) Xmas jumper, courtesy of #1 son.