BFC 0-2 Port Vale, Saturday 27th September 2026

‘A sausage roll please.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘No, a sausage roll.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘NO. A SAUSAGE ROLL.’ ‘Oh, sorry, we’re out of buns.’

Has Coach Conor been found out? Is his squad just too limited? Is Plan B (throw on Farrugia at right wing) a deliberate f*** you to the board for providing him with NOTHING else. Cos it can’t be a tactic, surely. Even when he beats his man (down the right, remember) he’s still trying so desperately to get the ball on his left foot that the defender he’s left behind catches him up and puts the tackle in. Anyway, just one of a few exasperated wonderings I had on Satdy as I stared at the green rectangle below.

Conditions were perfect. Beautiful pitch, very little breeze, opposition just outside the relegation zone. Devante Cole their star player (on loan from West Brom’s bench). What could possibly go wrong? Inferior opposition ON A PLATE for our front 4 to rack up a score. They did. Nil.

We had ZERO efforts on target (notwithstanding a couple of blocked shots). McGoldrick, Phillips, Vickers, DKD...nuffing. DKD had a pair of shots blocked, but spent the game giving the ball away. This after Mr Jones senior advocated dropping him, pre-match. McGoldrick looks like the has-been he is. Looks good in possession, does all the right things, but lacks the pace to get by a player to have a shot off. Vickers runs around in (tiny) circles. He’d be in my all-time Reds 5aside team right there. Sadly, we play big man’s football at Oakwell. And Phillips. When he’s not being beyond anonymous, he’s punting it over the bar. (To steal a chant; ‘We forgot that you were here!’ Not even one of his quality trademark crosses (cos when we were in a position to cross the ball, we turned it down.))

That said, we should’ve been one up after 5 minutes, Earl putting a completely free header wide off Connell’s corner. All he had to do was head it straight. Oh. The most promising we looked was in the 5 minutes after Cleary came on. He ran and beat the opposition twice. The third time, their bloke simply blocked him off and gained a free kick. The defender had no interest in playing the ball. Can we please have ‘obstruction’ back as an offence. It’s ridiculous.

At least Cooper was having a good game. Caught everything that came in the box, good distribution (apart from an aberration much later, Shepherd rescuing him with the block) and a save from Devante, 1st half. As the ball was played through, in the air, Cooper came out and got a palm to Devante’s effort. Please don’t let HIM score. Anybody but him.

Second half, a pep talk from Conor and...it got worse. Only one team in it second half. I’ll narrow things down to the saves I remember. Cole breaks left side of goal, Cooper streaks out to smother. Vale are 3 on 2 (from our own pass) and Cole has it on the edge of the box on his own. Takes it early, Cooper dives low to his right. A double save off their big #10 after Shepherd stands and stares at a ball over the top.

Finally, the breakthrough. A throw-in, a flick on, and they’re CLEAN THROUGH. Whatthehell is Shepherd doing now? And how slow is Earl? Cooper narrows the angle, but the ball is played across for a tap-in. It’s been coming.

Conor makes his move. Cleary and Farrugia on for Vickers and DKD. Cleary out left, the old man shunted to centre forward, and Farrugia on the right. We have 4 minutes of dominance before reverting back to self. Russell is sent on to no effect and in jury time they bag the killer second. Connell has it nicked and they strive forward and bury it from 20+ yards into the corner. Once again, it is time to stay in my seat to beat the rush. It’s been awful. Our last effort, a 25 yard Earl effort over the bar neatly bookended his earlier miss. What’s going on when our limited centre half is the one with the efforts (vaguely) at goal?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cooper. Imagine the score without him. Denied Devante 3 times for a start.
** Bland. Tidy, and at least got a sprint on tracking back.
* Connell. Obviously, our play revolves around him so he gets a gazillion touches. Made one great crossfield pass. Saw him sprint once. Really needs to try and MAKE something happen, rather than be content to tippy-tappy it around the area between our box and the halfway line. Herbie Kane Mk II.

I’ve talked myself out of it.

* Cleary. For brightening the game for 3 minutes.

Official MOTM: Cooper

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cooper 2. Bland 3. Ogbeta

Despatches:
I went to the Oakwell Sandwich Shop pre-match for pie and peas. Ran out of peas AGAIN. I was not happy. I should’ve gone home there and then. Had to double back to the chippy near The Mount, at the risk of missing the kick-off. (A risk I was more than happy to take. Unfortunately, service was quick.)

Who was our worst player yesterday? Hot competition. I’d problies go DKD, though honourable mentions for everyone else save Cooper, Bland, Cleary and Yoganathan (who came on too late to make enough mistakes). At least twice we kicked simple square balls out of play. It was crap from front to back.

We have now conceded 10 goals without reply in 3 and a bit games. We have not had an effort on target in our last 2 league games, against sides near the bottom of the table (Blackpoo, Port Fail). We are knocking it around majestically without getting anywhere. Like the glory days of Darrell Clarke, or that Scottish bloke whose name escapes me, the one who put up with Herbie Kane slowing the game down all season...Neill Collins! Christ, we made Devante Cole look the best forward on the pitch. (But at least he didn’t score.)

Drink du jour: Beartown Inception at Spiral.

Away: 1,108 ‘Devante Cole...he left cos you’re sh*t.’ Fair play, I did laugh at that one. I’d have PAID to be rid of Devante.

The Damage:
c.£7 petrol
= c.£7

BFC 7-0 Port Vale, Saturday 5th August 2023

‘Newcastle is just a bigger version of Wakefield.’

7 (seven) nil. Seven f***ing nil. The biggest opening day win in our history, and the biggest in league history since Wolves beat Man City 8-1 in 1962. The biggest opening day league win in 63 years, if maths serves me right. Other records (courtesy of Oakwell Historian) include the first opening day hattrick since Brian Joicey in 1978 (I’m too young to remember). 1st hattrick of any sort since Conor Chaplin in 2019. 1st time we’ve hit 7 since THAT Huddersfield game (I remember that one)…and first 7-0 win in 72 years (QPR, Tommy Taylor hattrick). Is Devante Cole the new Tommy Taylor? Or Conor Chaplin?

Quality hattrick too. The first, a sweet counter attack, ending with a beautifully weighted low ball from new signing O’Keefe on the right, straight into Cole’s path to sidefoot home without skipping a beat. His 2nd, another low ball from the right, half volleyed high into the net early in the second half, and the cherry on the icing on the cake came as he bamboozled a defender on the halfway line, ran clean through and finished by bobbling it through the keeper….Cadden covering the dribbling ball into the net rather than lashing in to be sure. Wow.

That made it 4-0, 8 minutes into the second half. Unreal. Especially if you’d seen the first half performance. Never have we played so badly and been two nil up. You can take that as hyperbole, but it’s what I gained from 3 conversations at half-time, and a text from Waddington (who’s never knowingly wrong). We were all over the place, as Port Vale bore down once again on our goal, a mix of desperate clearances from us and poor decision-making on behalf of the visitors somehow keeping chances to a minimum. Still, they had a big shout for a pen (a push in the back) at ni nil and our new keeper (I don’t know his name) made a superb diving save from a header...was that at 1-0?

Still, for all Vale were the better team they were 2 down. Unlucky? Or do poor teams lose when playing well? I remember in the Barry Conlon years...we played well in 6 games…and lost all 6. I’ll put my head on the block and say the Valiants will be relegated before we’re promoted. The second goal, after Cole’s opener, came from another delicious low cross from a wingback...this time it’s Cadden, whose ball their left back found impossible to resist, deflecting it in with his chest in panic. Vale’s back was broken. (I know how they feel, my back’s killing me.)

And, yes, amazingly I was back in my seat in time to see Cole’s 2nd after 47 mins and the hattrick 6 minutes later. Then the goal of the game, as a galloping centre half (Kitching) breaks free and is found by a sublime pass from Kane. You know things are going your way when a left footed centre half is hitting a half volley from just inside the box into the roof of the net with his right. Like when Barnard hit THAT goal in the Huddersfield win. Or, to coin a similar effort, when Tony Adams trotted through under Arsene Wenger to lash home in a title decider. Another exquisite cross from Cadden sees Russell bang the ball in with his head. Now I know I’m hallucinating. (Ahhh, the good old days….) Collins takes pity and takes Cole (and others) off, but there’s still time for Cole’s replacement Dallas to head another in injury time. We are in 7th heaven! (No need to guess next week’s Chronicle headline.)

At half-time I even told Reedy I was changing my mind. We’re not finishing 10th. We’re finishing 2nd. Behind Man City.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Goal King Cole. Tis true, anybody could’ve scored the first one, but the 2nd was a quality finish, while his pace (and trickery?) brought the hattrick. Official MOTM.
** Cadden. Superb. Great balls in and what was he doing as the farthest man up the pitch to protect Cole’s 3rd?
* Roberts. The new keeper (I’ve looked up his name.) Great saves, confident in possession and came out and punched when needed. Also the first footballer in history to be booked for timewasting at 6 nil up. (He wasn’t, but it’s the new rules.)

Despatches:
I’ve gotta say I wasn’t optimistic pre-match. Or during. ‘We’ll settle for one-nil, right?’ agreed my compadre.as the Reds struggled to make it out of their half. 4 mins in and Cole is getting an ‘unlucky’ from the bloke behind...for failing to control a simple ball to feet. It’s going to be a long season. But I won’t mention that cos we won. Or the fact we’ve just sold our best striker to a side in the 5th tier. ‘We need a target man’ said bloke later says. Well, what is 6’3” Watters if not a ‘target man’? I’m pleased he touched the ball twice in the last (52nd) minute of the first half, cos it doubled his tally. Did we really bring him back after his loan last season? His biggest contribution was getting booked for arguing with the ref after Kane was cautioned, presumably for a loose elbow in an aerial challenge. I can imagine Watters now, doing his best Crocodile Dundee accent...’Call THAT an elbow? I’LL show you an elbow!’ Oh, and he got in the way of a Cole shot which may have brought the latter's hattrick. Lucky it made no difference. Dallas and Oli Shaw later came on up front and both looked promising, excellent movement, good touches...and of course Dallas scored. I think he’s my new favourite (up front).

Further pessimism was brought on by the absence of star man Connell (ill?) and Phillips (suspended). ‘Have we missed Phillips?’ my friend Diane asked. Yes, I think we did. I don’t think a shot of ours found the stand all day. O’Keefe had a good start at right wing back, averaging an assist every half an hour...cos that’s when he went off injured. What does Cotter make of it all, recently signed and now 3rd choice right wing back? Anyway, an able deputy in an attack-minded side playing feeble opposition. With centre halves injured or too recently signed to play (we shipped in a Frenchman yesterday), Jordan Williams switched to right centre. The Polish lad joined them in a back 3. Not sure what to make of him, though the manager was apparently screaming at him, possibly about his positional missense (is that a word?). With Connell out, Kane played deeper. I don’t think he lost possession. I’m not quite sure what Russell brought. He’s becoming more of an enigma than The Enigma. He’s tidy enough, but even at 7 (seven) nil, I don’t see Connell’s position under threat. Then there’s the forwards. This argument will run and run (like the great man himself)…is Cole a half decent centre forward…or could pretty much anybody score goals in front of probably the best midfield and wingbacks in the division? Well, Dallas came on and averages a goal every 15 minutes...*

*plus 10 mins injury time. The EFL, taking a year to digest events in the 2022 World Cup, have finally decided to take some action against all the bl**dy timewasting I’ve been moaning about for years. 7 (seven) mins 1st half, 10 mins 2nd. Bad news for Londontykes wanting to catch a train, good news for anyone wanting to see a game of football. Quite what former timewasting specialist Bradley Collins will do from now on is anybody’s guess, and Coventry’s problem. Good riddance.

Oh, and talking of new rules…I think it was Styles tempting the ref into our first card for not retreating at a free kick. In the end, we picked up 6 yellows, with 2 for them. So it goes without saying that the worst challenge of the match (Cotter taken out in full flow) went unpunished, save for a free kick and a talking to. Oh well. The ref didn’t give Port Vale a penalty. And we’re top of the league. Top of the league! The season can end now for me.

Drink du jour: Squawk Quelea Pale Ale. Gorgeous. Reminiscent of Northern Monk Faith.

Away: 1,675 (Att: 13,796...though a ‘sold out’ Ponty was short of at least 500. I pity the poor fan - Hi Jonesy! – who’d rather watch the game on iplayer in Corsica than see 7 goals in person)

The Damage:
c.£30 petrol
£4.30 meat and potato pie.
= £34.30

Four pounds thirty. It’s my own fault, too busy gassing and not giving myself enough time to eat pre-match. Four hundred and thirty pence for a meat and tatie Pukka Pie. It will take a long while to cleanse myself of this schoolboy error. But I was hungry.

Oh, and it wouldn’t be me without a moan, or BFC for being BFC...but I didn’t see anybody in a new shirt, so I presume they’re not on sale yet...while programmes had sold out by quarter to 3. So the next time our club owners plead poverty...

BFC 1-1 Port Vale, Tuesday 13th September 2022

‘God save our King’

After the sh*tshow of our game being called off last Satdy cos someone had died, our overlords deign Barnsley v Port Vale permission to play their midweek 3rd division clash affecting virtually nobody. As long as there’s a minute’s silence and a rendition of the national anthem. If ever there was a game for a republican atheist to arrive late to, this was it. So, needless to say, there were no traffic problems, no parking problems, no turnstile problems and I was in unusually early. Saw Wadd pre-match, who said Darrell was only coming in once the aforementioned nonsense was over….but it’s easy for him, he lives in view of Oakwell.

Yes, Queenie has died. In a historic match that will live long in the memory of nobody, we play our first game under a new monarch. (Charles wasn’t here, by the way. Least, I don’t think so…) The minute’s silence was impeccably observed, as I sat stirring my cuppa. Then the national anthem, some guff about wanting someone to be our ruler forever. Strangely, I couldn’t see anyone singing it in the East Upper, but it’s true I could only see about 30 people, the rude types in front of me blocking my view. Loko assures me fans were getting right behind the king in the Ponty though, but I s’pose that IS where the serfs sit. (Just teasing.) They’d have been happy with the programme cover though…Reds legend Queen Elizabeth II.

I worried the minute’s silence would turn into 90 (as per…) but actually, there was a bit of noise, helped in part by Vale’s tremendous following of nearly 600. Some home fans had booed the temerity of the Valiants to be chanting pre-match but this bunch have recently put up with 4th division football, nearly getting relegated to non-league, nearly going out of business and last season were 2 divisions behind us. So at least one set of fans was happy enough at Oakwell.

The difference in class looked apparent too, as Benson for Beds stroked the ball around from central midfield, running the show. It took me 10 minutes to realise it was actually Herbie Kane, back from injury! I presumed Josh had let his hair grow and had an identical bald spot to that of Kane. Anyway, Herbie was dropping deep, picking it up, spraying it about. But what I liked best was his awareness of danger…no fannying about when under pressure, clipping the ball into space or even out of touch. But not taking risks. It was like watching a 3rd division right footed version of Alex Mowatt. Inevitably, Kane tired and was taken off after 70 minutes, but I liked what I saw in that first half.

That said, I think we had 2 shots on target prior to scoring. The keeper made a 20 yard bobbler (Connell?) look difficult, turning it round the post, but he was alert to a quick turn and snapshot from Devante Cole. We should make a video of that turn and shot and sell him before anyone realises he’s not a footballer. Cole was excellent throughout. Worked hard, chased back, won flick ons. If only he’d converted the big chance at 1-0, as Kitching (?) played the ball across and it came off his studs for the keeper to make a scrambling save. Big, big, chance…but at least he got it on target, which is more than Thomas did, blazing one over from 6 yards, 1st half, with his right foot. Inevitable.

When we did take the lead, it was from an unlikely source. (I s’pose our centre forward scoring would also constitute ‘an unlikely source’.) Right wingback Jordan Williams crossed for left wingback Kitching to head home on the backpost. I can’t remember a wingback to wingback goal since Neil Thompson crossed low for Nicky Eaden against the Blunts in our promotion season. And whilst I’m not comparing the two sides, in terms of passing and possession, we’re improving. We never looked FASTER than Port Vale, but we always seemed to have a man extra. A pity then that we couldn’t create more in that final third.

With 76 minutes on the clock, we played our cards. Collins was warned by the ref for timewasting. Timewasting! With 15 minutes left, AT HOME to PORT VALE. What message does that send out to the opposition? We’re bricking it and they can throw men forward. By now, with several subs made…us 4, them 5…we were all over the place, so the equaliser came as no surprise. Vale crossed from the right and their ONE player, up against THREE defenders and a goalkeeper, headed in. Was it me said that our defence is our strength? Mads, Jordan and some other centre half whose name I haven’t memorised, nor whose play has impressed me sufficiently was the other one. Cundy? McCarthy? Who know? All these lower division defenders look the same to me. Craig Ireland? Peter Handyside? Tony Vaughan?

Suddenly, we had to try and score again. Only Duff had taken Cole off for Norwood (did he get a kick?) and Thomas, who’d somehow dribbled his way to MOTM. But in injury time, one of the new lads, the #14, cut inside and unleashed a 25 yarder towards the top corner, finely tipped over. I think he’s called Josh Martin and Google tells me he’s 20 and on loan from Norwich. Anyway, I already like the look of him. Vale’s response was to run up the field and hit a 20 odd yarder of their own into the top corner, Collins making a superb save. Most entertaining one minute of the season.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kitching. Duff obvs sees something in Kitching and his marauding runs, moving him to left wing back. Won tackles, got forward well, delivered crosses…and scored!
** Cole. Best game I’ve seen from him in a Reds shirt.
* Kane. Tailed off after HT but a promising return for Benson for Beds Mark I.

Official MOTM: Thomas. A couple of great dribbles ending in nothing, as well as a couple of shots screwed into the crowd. He's only young.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kitching 2. Cole 3. Thomas

Despatches:
Although two points dropped, I’d say a fair result. Port Vale missed some good chances too. The ref came in for the usual ire, but my only beef was a couple of goalkicks which should have been corners to us. He was spot on for the yellow cards….one for a sub obstructing their throw-in, a couple for dirty (sorry, professional) fouls preventing breaks…and Kitching for kicking the ball away. ‘But what about them, ref?’ cried one fan. Well, the one break they prevented with a foul was on the edge of our own box. Otherwise, they hadn’t done anything worthy of a yellow. We also had a first half penalty appeal, as the ball appeared to hit the player’s hand (outside the box) before bouncing and possibly hitting his hand again INSIDE the box. I’d have to see that one again, but until we reach the Prem (!), the ref isn’t going to have that luxury

Drink du jour: Nothing. Mark of respect, etc. (Didn’t have time.)

Away: 597. Great turnout midweek from those Vale folk!

Today’s take home: The players are becoming more comfortable in possession.

The Damage:
c.£34 travel
= £34

The Tunes:
BBC Radio 1 Essential Mix, 1998 (Carl Cox)
BB6 Music (Steve Lamacq / Gideon Coe)

BFC 1-2 Port Vale, Saturday 14th November 2015

‘Barnsley’s losing habit knows no bounds’ (Channel 5 highlights, whatever it’s called)

Fans queue in the rain

After last week’s expletive-raddled, insult-ridden diatribe, I am going to attempt to be something more…less drunk.

Little Lee is on the verge of something special.  Never before, since the early 1950s, have we EVER lost 9 league matches in a row.  The Special One Little One is one off this target.  Unlike the early 1950s, however, we are a division lower and a hellovalot better in terms of…I dunno.  Club cat?

A dank and dreary Oakwell

We started well. We never conceded, till we did.  When did they score?  Who cares?  What I do know is that Davies had never made a save before a hopeful lob in from the right ended with their bloke outjumping Mawson and looping a header into the top corner. In real terms, it was slow motion.  It wasn’t a free header…their bod just got lucky and it floated into the only place Davies couldn’t reach it.  Still.

Before then, we’d ran the game.  If only Little Lee’s best chance of keeping a job in football (Adam Hamill) hadn’t blazed a 25 yard half volley half a foot higher than he did.  Glorious effort. Did Little Lee REALLY sign Hamill?  Or did someone within Oakwell point to his unemploy?  (I wish I was there in midweek to describe how some random free transfer creates one, scores a blinder and we win!!!!!)  Really, it’s getting silly now.  A bloke who hasn’t played a league game since May (I’m guessing)…who hasn’t played for ANYONE since….comes in and looks the best player we have.  I am not kidding.

278.  A Valiant effort.

Of course, Vale go 2 up cos of said player.    It’s the 1^st minute of the second half and Hamill makes the mistake of beating 2 players (was it 3?) down the left and whipping in a cross.  The ball is half cleared and Pearson gives it away cheaply, resulting in the kind of hilarious chase not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote.  The little Man U fella would never catch their guy up, save for a surreptitious pull, but, fine, we got players back. In fact, when the pull back came and a lonely Valient pulled the trigger, there were numerous BFC players in the box.  Word to Little Lee: tell the red shirts to mark the amber and black shirts (note: opposition colours may change), as opposed to legging it back to the line in panic.  (That’s what we did as un-coached kids.  ‘We’ as in me and you, not ‘we’ as in BFC, altho…).  

In defence of the midgeted one, (look away Vale fans) this was a goal of Premiership class.  They broke at speed from an opposition corner and bagged.  Credit to ‘em.  (Still get rid of Little Lee. I’m not heightist – honest – I believe in making Oakwell a meritocracy…and he ain’t meritable).

ex-Oakwell dirty ba5tard Carl Dickinson

So, 2-0 down at home.  If I was Little Lee, I’d panic after 55 minutes and take off the 2^nd best chance we have of a goal (the 19 year old Newcastle loan bloke) and the tiny bloke from Southampton who stands on the wing doing nowt.  Replace them with Winnall and Smith, ‘two proven goalscorers’.  This leads me to the single biggest highlight of my day:  I’m walking out of Oakwell and I hear a bloke ranting on to his mates.  ‘He’s (Little Lee) f***ing cluelss’  (I’m with him so far).  ‘How can he be leaving two proven goalscorers on the bench while….’  It’s a good job a) it was p***ing it down, b) I had a train to catch and c) I just thought ‘how stupid is the average Barnsley fan?’ cos if anyone is seriously calling Winnall (f.all goals in loads of appearances this season) or Smith (scored when Swindon were good) anything other than s.hit, you have not been watching 3^rd division football this season.  

I like this photo.  Makes Oakwell look busy.

Hilarously, Winnall bags for 1-2.  To discover how comedy/lucky this is, look it up on you.internet.  Their bloke heads it against their bloke and our bloke, simply by standing still around the 6 yard box, ends up with an open goal.  (See also: most of Brooce Dire’s goals – apart from the ones where he cuts inside from the left onto the only foot he has.  And he was always offside…sorry, where was I?). 

A rare thing happens.  The crowd get behind the team.  What a noise a few thou can make.  (Ahhh, the good old days…a passionate Ponty End wot makes some racket).  Even rarer, I see a Smith header at goal (going wide, but the keeper’s dive makes it look good). Hourihane runs in and drives a low 25 cracker just wide (deflected).  That was a corker.  Unlike the earlier effort from 8 yards, with the keeper to beat, where he misses the goal entirely.  Get rid.

The Ponty.

I have to confess something here.  By now, I’m hoping we DON’T equalise.  JOHNSON OUT!  JOHNSON OUT!!  We have played well, we have gone forward, we have created chances…but any point gained keeps Little Lee in a job.  So what if we don’t get a point v Port Fail? Small beer compared with the slow disintegration of a football club and future Northern Premier League football.  (You think I’m kidding?  What if Cryne walks?  And have you seen the state of Stockport County these days?)

Me?  I’ll still be there.  Cos I’m a mad, passionate fan of the Super Reds?  Maybe.  Or cos a) I’d rather not have my better half find ‘improvements’ for me to complete in our house* and b) I don’t have kids to fund. 

*I was forced into a conversation last week about what kind of sideboard I’d like in the hallway.  Why do ‘other halves’ never like the answer of ‘same as you’ or ‘couldn’t give a sh*t’?  This can’t just be me, surely?

The benches.

*** Hamill.  Runs at players, beats players, gets crosses in, sometimes loses it (but at least he loses it trying to DO something).  Gets shots off, delivers a mean dead ball.  (Can we get rid of Hourihane now?)  I get a chortle out of the East Lower by repeating last week’s Scowen joke: ‘ADAM, WILL YOU STOP PASSING TO BARNSLEY PLAYERS!!!!!’  Aside from setting up their 2^nd (!) the highlight is a 1^st half snapshot, the like of which Conor Hourihane dreams of.  Hamill anticipates where a ball will drop, runs in, and hits a shot on the half volley which the keeper somehow tips over. A foot higher and we’d be calling it ‘sublime’.  10 yards wider and we’d be calling it ‘Hourihane’.
Anyway, WELCOME HOME ADAM.

** Toney the Loanee of Newcastle United.   Big, powerful, strong, quick.  Does everything every other BFC forward can do – but there’s only one of him, six of them.  The best I can liken him to is a ‘more interested Devante Cole’.  Still, that makes 3 (THREE) centre forwards we have on loan.  This must be a record.  Made worse by the dwarf’s insistence on only playing one of them anyway.   At what point do Little Lee’s bosses realise HE DOESN’T HAVE A F***ING CLUE????????????????  (Even the Ponty, upon finally realising who their hero, Super Sammy Winnall, is coming on for, chant ‘You don’t know what you’re doing!’).  THAT is possibly more damning than anything I can say.  The vocal minority, famed for their lack of knowledge towards anything approaching football, have turned.  (As an aside, I heard folk in the pub beforehand describe Winnall as s***.  Lads, you’re only a year behind me, but nevermind.)  Next, you'll be telling me Hourihane is rubbish.  (Actually, two people in the pub told me exactly this.)

* f*** knows.   (What’s the plural of asterisk?)

Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Hammill

2. Toney of Newcastle

3. Bree

The view from the Ponty.

Despatches:
Possibly one of the funniest things that happened was the Twitter MOTM nominaton of Jacob Marley.  He was s***.  No, really.  When Little Lee was bringing on Winnall, I knew it was Marley or Hourihane going off.  It had to be…  It was good to see Bree back, though his cause can’t have been helped by kicking it sideways for 70 minutes, then long to uselessness for the last 20.  (Anyone would think we were desperate).  Nyatanga looked like what we always thought he was – the weak link in a central defensive ‘partnership’.  But Hey!  You all loved him last year, he’s far better than Martin Crainie, etc etc  George Smith wasn’t his usual self and it’s difficult to compliment Davies when all he did was pick the ball out of the net.  Pearson has been better, and his shocking pass set up their second.  Tis ok, that’s 2 weeks in a row – but he’s not Digby, so nubdy notices.  Let’s not hunt down his family and friends, yet. Oh yeah, to prove how appalling Simeon Jackson must be (you know, the forward Little Lee signed permanently in the summer), Smith of Swindon gets another run out from the bench.   As I said, he had a header.  (He’s just s***, isn’t he?)  Honestly, Toney wins more headers, makes more runs, holds more balls up…than the rest of our forwards combined.  But I can no longer use words like ‘embarrassing’  anymore.  Losing to a part time non-league team was embarrassing.  This is simply losing to a 3^rd division side with less than half our budget.  Embarrassing.  Oh.

Away: 278.  T’coppers nearly made this a 12:15 KO for this.  No matter – the mount of dibble I saw in Grove Street, they still made their mint.
We are now 23^rd.  23^rd.  That’s very nearly second off bottom.
ps, yes, I fell asleep on the bus and got woken by the driver at the last stop.  And it was the #45 so not even walking distance home....

Drink du jour: Erdinger in the #7, Stella in t’Tut ‘n’ Shive, Vodka and Tropicana on t’train.

The Damage: £25 train

I didn't bother with a programme. It's bad enough WATCHING them, without having to READ about them.

Though respect where it's due, a tasteful Poppy Day centrefold of an East Stand behind a field of poppies. 

Home time.  8 league defeats in a row and counting.

A pre-match floodlight, yesterday.

Barnsley 2-1 Port Vale, Saturday 31st January 2015

'They should build a subway frum t'bus station t'Oakwell'

Legendary alehouse 'Groggers Rest', soon to be demolished.

Cold and s***.  And we won.  For a club that always claims how unlucky it is, the luck certainly went with us today as we win with an own goal and a deflection, while the ref ignores Pearson kicking one of theirs in the head late on in our box, despite it being right in front of him.  And all that is to ignore how Port Vale ran the 2nd half after we scored.

During the 1st half, absolutely nothing happened, save for an injury to one of their players.  (Not sure what happened, but it led to 7 minutes of injury time).  Said player eventually got up and ran about, to predictable boos.  Were we booing that he was alive?  Would we have preferred it to be something a little more...serious?  Anyway, during that injury time, Lalkovic skins a player down the left, drives into the box and hits it across the goal. I thought it went in off a defender, but TV replays show the keeper somehow catching it then pushing it over the line.  He'd overestimated Lalkovic's ability to pull a ball back and strayed a yard off his line.

335 all-ticketed Valiants

Then, about a minute into the second period, Pearson makes a run from his own half. Their players back off and back off, expecting the pass.  Pearson continues toward goal and eventually, edge of the box, he has no choice - he HAS to shoot.  He 'hits' it (not very hard) and a lucky deflection takes it over the keeper.  Frank Lampard at his best. Great goal and Pearson deserved every bit of fortune. Now, let's sit in our own half for 44 minutes and maybe catch Vale on the break.

If only we MEANT such tactics.  But that's how it turned out.  Vale pulled a goal back when a looping cross from Carl Dickenson (remember him?) found an unmarked Daniel on the back post. I'd have liked to see Turnbull come out and claim, but he was too busy looking at the centre half and Valiant in front of him.

We had 34 minutes to hang on, which I thought we did quite comfortably, considering.  Or was I too cold to worry?  I know I only had cause to be animated twice; once in injury time when we attempted to waste time off a corner, lost the ball (who'd have seen THAT coming?) and Vale ran down the pitch while we had several players out of position.  And a little earlier, when Winnall (welcome back!) delayed a pass to Hourihane on the overlap until he was offside. That would've put him clean through.

The Ponty

*** Our 4 man central defence ruled (despite a couple of dodgy M'Voto moments).  I'm giving it to Ramage (welcome back).

** Crainie.  Solid at right back.

* Nyatanga. Solid at left back.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Pearson
2. Crainie
3. Lalkovic

Despatches:
Sponsors' MOTM was Waring.  Ironic?  Family friend?  Either way, you could some up George's performance as 's***, but not as s*** as he has been'.  I did actually see him win a header and twice he held a ball up and laid it off to one of his own team.  Otherwise, he didn't.  Hemmings was rubbish, and a cheer went up when he was taken off. Or was it cos Winnall was back?  Hourihane had his usual game while Pearson had his moments.  I imagine we'd have lost were Berry in for him.

We have a winner!

I suppose the main highlight was the return of Sam Winnall (Sam Winnall).  Certainly the Ponty thought so, it was the only time they made any noise, as he was about to be brought on as sub after 3 months out.  It took him less than 20 seconds to lose the ball.  He's still got it.  Thankfully we were in a promising position and he had an easy (forward) ball to an unmarked Red.  I know, I know - I'm too harsh.  At least he actually gets the ball, unlike Hemmings and Waring, who're more comedy duo than deadly duo.

Today's game was also all-ticket, presumably a knock-on effect of the trouble at Port Vale.  Rumour has it we don't just top division 3 in terms of arrests this season, we top the ENTIRE LEAGUE. Can this possibly be true? Makes one proud...

Drink du jour: vodka and orange.

Damage:
£28 train

Away: 335

Home time!