Thornaby 0-3 Billingham Synthonia, Wednesday 20th March 2024

Thornaby 0-3 Billingham Synthonia, Northern League Division 2, Teesdale Park, att. 170

I’m back up in the north east for a funeral (tomorrow). A lady in my dad’s old street has died, aged 82. Another lady in the same small close of 6 houses is now in a hospice, riddled with dementia (her, not the hospice, although...) A fourth is in her eighties. Only one house of six has ever been sold in over 35 years and we may be looking at three, maybe four, in quick succession. I’d better get my dad’s on the market and fast!

So it is, I spend the day cleaning the house before treating myself to tonite’s game. I considered Brandon (again) but what swings it is my hunger. I can help myself at the Toby Carvery in Wolvsiton, down the road from Thornaby, pre-match. No hassle, no waiting, just get in and gorge. Perfect. However, I must have left my wallet at home, so with a loose 18 quid in the car, I’m forced to drink tap water so I can afford to get in at Thornaby.

The satnav tells me I’m a mere 15 minutes drive from Teesdale Park, one of those Northern League grounds I’ve no idea how to find, though actually it’s just off the A19. For a well populated area, Thornaby have poor crowds. I suppose all Northern League clubs do. But they’re not helped by a ground that’s 400 metres down a mudtrack through an ill-lit wood. I’m not sure I’d fancy it without a car, and fortunately there’s plenty of parking. Just don’t be the mug who arrives late and tries to park too close, unless you fancy reversing 100 metres back.

Rumours of Thornaby’s demise appear greatly exaggerated. Or, at least, their clubhouse, a victim of an arson attack last summer, is back in operation. Thank goodness for that. Teesside lost South Bank FC years ago due to repeated vandalism, though Thornaby’s isolated position lends itself to idiots wanting to destroy it for others.

This evening’s visitors are local rivals – of sorts – Billingham Synthonia, another side with ground issues. Forced to move out of the now demolished Central Park in 2017, they’ve spent the last couple of seasons at Stokesley Sports Club, which isn’t even in the same county (it’s across the border in North Yorkshire). The only club named after an agricultural fertiliser, their famous name somehow lives on, but needs a return to Billingham. Sadly, they just can’t get on enough to share with crosstown rivals Town.

Despite it being midweek, Thornaby register one of their highest crowds of the season, no doubt boosted by a few Synthonia fans. I see one bloke in what I presume to be one of Liverpool’s awful away shirts…green and white quarters...but it turns out to be a Synners shirt, and all the better for it. Entrance is a bargain six quid, but no programmes. Too much effort when crowds barely make three figures.

Ground entry is at the far corner, which is probably not what you want when you’ve walked 400 metres down a muddy lane. Oddly, the exit is far easier, as they open a gate at the near end. But the social club is at the far end, with one of the two car parks behind. As you enter, the social club is to the left, with a steep bank of seating behind the goal, open to the elements. Thornaby’s more youthful more vocal element, take their pews at the back.

The main stand is on the touchline to the right of the entrance. It’s maybe 20 metres long and is in the other half and is essentially a propped cover in front of the changing rooms. Before you reach it, there’s a wooden cover where you can picnic. At the far end there is a small cover stretching half of the pitch, resplendent with flags hanging off its back wall. A pity I’ve never seen anyone stand at this end in my two visits.

Most fans stand on the 4th side, either atop a grass bank or near the touchline. On the halfway line there’s a bus shelter for cover, with a scaffolding gantry for the TV camera (unused tonite). At one end are a couple of shelters above the banking, affording one of the best (highest) views in the Northern League, and it’s here I stand second half. An old bloke complains to me about how cold it is and I remark how it’s not cold enough to stop him having a can of cider. ‘Aye, but I’ve got mi’ gloves on.’ I can only admire anyone who’s dedication to drink extends to imbibing in the cold. Not that I can join him, with two quid in my pocket.

Despite there being only 3 points separating the two sides on the brink of the promotion race, Synners run out easy victors, 0-3. It’s 0-2 by the break and the game is as good as up 5 mins into the second half as the visitors spring the offside trap for a 3rd. I get home and can’t find my wallet. As panic sets in, I check the car. It was there all the time. Dammit and phew.

The Damage:
£6 ent
= £6

Horden CW 2-2 Billingham Synthonia, Tuesday 4th January 2022

Horden CW 2-2 Billingham Synthonia, Northern League Division 2, Horden Community Welfare Park, att. 107

‘A nice sugary Bovril.’

I think I have a new favourite Northern League ground – well, at least until the main stand is demolished (scheduled to happen later this year). Yes, the Northern League is BACK after its Christmas sabbatical for all but 4 teams. My mission to see a home game for all 41 members can resume in earnest, but it’s a close run thing. With less than an hour to kick-off, there’s a pitch inspection as parts of the playing surface are apparently frozen. No worries, game on – and thanks to the Billingham Synthonia Twitter feed for keeping us informed. Games at Durham City and Seaham meantime fall prey to the weather.

If you want to see what housing looked like in the days of mining in County Durham, visit Horden CW. The ground, Horden Community Park, is surrounded by the terraces that were once common to every town and village in this part of the world. Speaking for my own town, they’re on the decrease, as the average young couple now demand a brand new semi on the edge of town. As folk turn their noses up at these terraces, they become, a honeypot for anti-social behaviour, abandoned and eventually torn down. Oh well.

Talking of being torn down and rebuilt, Horden CW FC. In the not too distant old days, the ‘CW’ stood for ‘Colliery Welfare’. Indeed, some signs around the park still allude to its use for the colliery. However, Horden Colliery Welfare FC fell foul of the local parish council in 2016 and were turfed out of the ground, before being taken under Darlington 1883’s wing (Darlington 1883 being the re-formed Darlington FC) and moving to Darlington as Darlington 1883 reserves, retaining their place in the Wearside League. A new Horden CW (‘Community Welfare’ this time) was formed in 2017 and here we are. Within 4 years, via the Durham Alliance League and the Wearside League, Horden are back in the Northern League after a 9 year absence. The ground can have a lot to thank for this.

Welfare Park is dominated by a massive stand (by Northern League standards) on the halfway line. Although some way behind the dugouts, its height affords spectacular views across the pitch, save for the pillars and floodlight in in front of it. But it has the right level of age, rust, wood and bird s*** to make it a truly magical place, evocative of simpler times. Such a shame then that its due to come down later this year, I can only presume for one of those simple pre-fab things I’ve seen at Redcar Athletic, Consett, Shildon, et al. Or whatever finance decrees, basically.

But it’s not just about the stand. There’s probably more terracing here than any other Northern League ground. One half of the long side opposite the Main Stand is a terrace of 4steps which turns into 5…then 6 as we go behind the goal. They’re steep too, so even if there was a crowd you’d have a great view. Behind the terrace is a row of tall trees (handy for stopping wayward shots) while gaps in the metal fencing mean you can have just as good a view from outside the stadium. But if you’re likely to want to see the game, just pay your fiver and come in!

Down the slope at the other end, a car park lies behind the goal. And what with the slope towards this end, it really needs the trees of the other end. With a fierce wind blowing this way (especially 1st half) ball after ball went for goalkicks and continued down the bank behind the goal, or over the fence and into the car park. With this breeze came the inevitable game of 2 halves.

I arrived a few minutes late (as ever) and took a pew at this end. For 20 minutes I became unofficial ballboy, as no-one else stood at this end, not fancying a gale blowing in their face. But this was where the action was, as Synthonia broke through and messed up 3 times. The forward(s) seemed determined to round the keeper to score instead of simply putting the ball in the net and were inexorably driven wide. (In the second half, the #10 finally managed to round the keeper properly, took aim…and hit the defender on the line from no more than 8 yards. Hapless.)

As the half hour approached, the #10 (Howard) won a free kick after a skirmish. 25 yards out, he used the wind to lash it home into the bottom corner…and was then promptly booked for his celebration. Then, on the stroke of half-time, Howard broke free on the right and hammered the ball into the far corner for 2-0. 7th placed Synners looked in cruise control against the midtable homesters. It is the 8th minute of injury time, 5 of which was for a ‘to-do’ between the two dugouts. Nothing much was happening on the pitch when all hell broke out between the two benches. At one point, one of them was waving around part of the flimsy perimeter fence, while even I could hear a ‘WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?’ from across the pitch. I don’t think anyone even got booked, the ref being spoilt for choice and only having a certain amount of ink on him.

By now I was cold, so I headed to the stand side for sustenance, before climbing the stairs into the stand itself. Sadly, the seats in both wings were cordoned off. People were obviously smaller in the old days too, given the legroom, but it’s not overpopulated, so one can manspread. At the back of the stand sits a windowed room, all lit up – the press box? (There is no press.) There are stairs at either side of the stand, replete with tall gates which can be locked. (The park is open to all; vandalism must be a key worry.)

The strange thing about the second half was that both teams continued to play the saem way, even though the climatic conditions had reversed. Horden, patient in build up and lots of short passes, while Synthonia were all about the long ball and quick break. The latter looked the likelier to score (and should have done – see earlier) but with 10 minutes left, Spalding gave Horden hope with a close range bag. They continued to push, forcing a marvellous diving save, before I saw something I’ve never seen live in 40 odd years of watching football – a goalkeeper score a last minute equaliser. The corner awarded, up ran Horden keeper Joe Spalding, who met the cross with a header into the corner. Pandemonium on the pitch and incredulity in the stand and on the terraces. A fitting end to a great game.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1 half time draw - a case of Budweiser (‘Can you make sure I don’t win?’)
£1 tea
= £7

The Tunes:
New Long Leg (Dry Cleaning)