Burton Albion 1-1 BFC, Friday 3rd April 2026

‘Where DO wookies s***?’

I think Burton Albion are metamorphorsising into Luton Town, the number of ex-Reds in their line up. Brad Collins in goal, Jasper Moon shoring up the defence, Kyran Lofthouse on the wing and Toby Sibbick benchwarming. On the latter, the manager said he’d been playing well lately, out of position at left back, but (get this!) he wanted a left footer there against the Super Reds. As for Lofthouse, he achieved his 10th assist of the season, while Brad Collins does what Brad Collins does: timewaste. His options are limited, what with the change in rules regarding the 6 second rule, but his (not so) subtle timewasting at goalkicks was bringing out the PTSD in me. Moon, I never noticed, probably cos we barely attacked.

I’d made a lateish decision to travel to Burton, based purely on convincing Sarah that it might be the done thing to occasionally visit her parents in nearby Lichfield (we only stayed one night). Besides, I like going to Burton. Laidback, loads of great places to drink, steady walk to the ground. Easy parking too, if you’re sent around a one-way system and somehow end up outside one of the two pubs one had earmarked (Cooper’s Tavern). Love this place. Ye olde worlde, with beer served from the barrel. Plus a pork pie. Pre-match was complete with pub chat about the latest American space exploration. As you do.

I also bumped into a couple of Reds’ fans too. ‘Optimistic?’ I asked. ‘Optimistic? I’m not even interested. I’m only here for the beer.’ These lads later beat me to the ground, even though they were ordering a pint as I left. Did a Lord Selwood and ordered a taxi. I bet they wished they’d stayed in the pub.

I got there in time for kick-off (brisk pace!) and it started well. Flavell in goal was serenaded by the faithful ‘he’s one of our own’. A change is as good as a rest. Perhaps Canada can call up Crapman more often? MdG (or ‘De Vagina’ as I heard him referred to) and O’Connell had the job of protecting Flavell, and this lasted all of 7 minutes, till O’Connell got injured. On comes the GOAT at right back, the right footed right back (Watson) going to left back and the (alleged) centre half moving from left back to centre half. We’re so fluid!

The opening 45, we barely got out of our half, yet arguably created the best 2 opportunities, both squandered by T. Bradshaw. If he’s not scoring, he’s not contributing in my book. The first, he’s unlucky, as he diverts a shot and it hits the keeper. The second, from a lovely cross by McG, he can pick his spot. He did – a yard wide. He really needs to retire, or play a further rung or 2 down (he might get his chance, if he stays!).

Still, at least we weren’t losing. Flavell fumbled a shot across goal and also dropped it, being cleaned out by 2 Reds defenders. Do we do ‘practice’? Thankfully there was no-one to tap home on either occasion. I start mulling on the possibility of our first clean sheet in forever being when we put this season’s 3rd choice in t’nets. If so, would Coach Conor retain his place? I needn’t have worried. I also note MdG getting a few points from the tellybob viewers, but all I remember about his performance was making 3 mistakes in the opening 10 minutes.

On the hour, a neat give-and-go leaves Lofthouse the simple option of squaring it for an open goal. Too easy. It’s down their right, but on seeing it on telly, the only person in a position to do owt (Yoganothing...sorry, Yoganathan) trips over his own feet. Ah well. This is the cue for the away end to turn toxic. ‘Sacked in the morning, you’re getting sacked in the morning.’ He wasn’t. But the worm has turned. This lot were the ones singing summat about Conor returning us to glory earlier in the season.

Then, I dunno what happened. Someone had the idea to stop it with the negative chanting and for the rest of the match it was all ‘we’ve got Super Daniel Stendal...Mads at the back, Cauley in attack’ etc Si senor, give the ball to Woodrow he will score. Always believe in...Devante Cole. COLE! Even an appearance by Bambo Diaby and his large appendage. (I mean a chant, obviously, not the actual physical specimen.) That the chants were all based on players in the last 10 years somewhat showed the age of those contributing. Where’s ‘can you hear the Ponty roaring, Ronnie Glavin’s always scoring’? I guess ‘can you hear the Bapp for Bolts Pontefract Road End roaring, David McGoldrick’s always scoring’ doesn’t scan so well. Still, good to hear Jalo is still ‘better than Christiano’. Last time I looked, he couldn’t get a game on loan at Oldham.

Coach Conor rang the changes, sending on the ineffective Cleary for the ineffective Banks, Phillips for Kelly (ditto) and then, on 74, the GAME CHANGER. Roberts and Farrell on for MdG and Watson. All out attack! Well, certainly fewer defenders and more forwards. And as injury time loomed, Connell curled a beautiful free kick (credit where credit is due) over the defence for Roberts to head across goal and McG finish from about 3 yards. Burton have been robbed. We celebrate not losing.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. Like the Super Reds, I am struggling.
** No-one. Ran No-one very close for 1st.
* Roberts. Saved us a point from the bench.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Shepherd 2. MdG 3= McGoldrick / No-one

Despatches:
I read a stat on the BBC website, pre-match. In 10 Good Friday games, Burton have won only once – against the Super Reds a couple of years ago. Part of me would’ve been ecstatic if we’d extended that to 2 teams in 11 games – both of them Barnsley.

I walked back to the station, to pick up Sarah. A helpful attendant (AKA crowd control) was obviously worried about me lurking. ‘Where would you like to go?’ I thought. ‘Australia, maybe New Zealand.’ She looked at me like I’d said something about her mum.

Drink du jour: Joules Krush Smash pale ale (very average) and Jaipur at Cooper’s Tavern.

Away: c. 1,200 (4,203)

The Damage:
£19 ent
c.£30 petrol
= £49

BFC 3-2 Burton Albion, Saturday 9th August 2025

‘He’s got a foot like a 10 bob note.’

Oakwell was resplendent in sunshine, Reds shirts were a-plenty, we had 4 players making their home debut...and we were two nil down at half-time to Burton Albion. Plus ca change, as Jonesy was probably telling his Corsican father-in-law* while on holiday. What a sh*tshow that 1st half was. We conceded a penalty after 1 minute and 50 seconds (Hurrah! The scoreboard was working!), we conceded a comedy second and didn’t have a shot on target till the 42nd minute. The depression around Oakwell at the interval was palpable. I was ready to sell my ST to Loko, who was thinking about buying one pre-match (if they offered them pro-rata). For some strange reason, he wasn’t as keen now.

*I’m just baiting him. Here’s where he will point out he’s not married, therefore...etc etc

That opening half was as bad as anything since...our last home game, probably (losing to bottom of the table Shrewsbury; part of my memory is still intact). Indeed, we could have been 3 down in injury time as they broke, 2 on 4 (yes, you read that right). If their bloke on the left of the halfway line had lofted his kick well enough, their other forward would’ve been clean through, stripping 3 Reds for pace as he was. Thankfully, he controlled the ball inside and Earl took him out for a booking. But their front 2 had given our back 4 a torrid time throughout. Last week’s fullbacks, MdG and Earl, were this week’s centre backs. And they looked like fullbacks trying to play centre half. Meantime, Burton’s centre half partnership, ex-Reds Jasper Moon and Toby Sibbick, could’ve sat in their deckchairs and enjoyed the view.

Still, the opening goal was controversial. I saw it, and still didn’t know what happened. Burton have a corner, which is sailing over everyone, when their player appears to run into home debutant centre forward McGoldrick and goes down clutching his face. My initial view was that collisions happen. But if we’d impeded their guy from getting it, perhaps fair enough, but they were nowhere near the ball. Maybe we need to run into defenders off corners and go down like we’ve been assassinated? Home debutant keeper Murphy banks on it going down the middle. It doesn’t. Nil one. That’s fine. Plenty of time.

Half an hour later it’s two. We still haven’t threatened, aside from a pathetic effort from a 3rd home debutant, the left back on loan from Plymouth (I’ll know his name by September – if he’s still in the team.) He gives himself space to put a ball into the danger area (or ‘corridor of uncertainty’ as a former miniscule manager may have said) but no, he goes for glory and blasts the ball into the crowd from a silly angle. I disgress. As I always do.

A Reds’ cross is cleared and MdG intercepts but his attempted pass doesn’t reach its target and a Brewer, with one pass, puts their striker clear IN HIS OWN HALF. MdG has already stepped out, and Earl inexplicably joins him, leaving their bloke with only Cooper to beat. Maybe this is the high press I’ve spent the summer reading about? Further inexplicity (!) sees Cooper 30 yards out of his goal and haring towards their striker, who knocks it past him before sidefooting it into an empty net from 20 yards. I was rather hoping these kind of goals wouldn’t happen this season, but I had to laugh.

Still, we roared into life we finally had something to show for our lack of class on 42 mins, as Phillips wins the ball by the corner flag and a couple of passes later our 4th home debutant…the Brighton guy...wotshisname?...pulls it back on a plate for DKD to somehow find the keeper. Still, it was a start. Then Albion missed their chance to win the game when he underhit THAT diagonal ball. Get it right and he’s clean through and we beg the stewards to leave at half time. (Apparently, some still did.)

Would some stern words at half-time make a blind bit of difference? Did they last season? (I read today we conceded fifty-six (56) goals in the second half last season. The most in England. I don’t know if that included cup games, but even so, that’s over 2 goals PER HALF a game of football.) Coach Conor has made zero changes, but sometimes you have to trust that the XI you put out will actually follow your orders this time. Mind, it’s still a shock when 10 minutes in we score. The ball is played out to Phillips who pulls it back for...is it Vickers?...to sweep home.

Momentum has well and truly swung, as minutes later Connell hits a snapshot which the keeper parries straight to the feet of DKD, who doesn’t miss from THERE. 2 goals in 2 games. Maybe Conor’s right, this front 4 is full of goals. If we keep them. As the atmosphere ratchets up a notch, a lull brings supersub Cleary on for Vickers and he tears Albion a new one in the last 20. Pacey, direct, bit of skill. Early on he blasts past a player, sees a small gap in the corner of the goal and goes for it, the keeper superbly tipping it round the post. And with time running out, Cleary plays a part in the injury time winner, as he holds the ball and gives it back to Phillips who whips it across goal for David ‘Didzy’ McGoldrick to tap in from 12 inches. I’ll say this: Max Watters wouldn’t have scored that. It might be a tap-in, but it’s the MOVEMENT and TIMING for the tap-in. And, bonus points, he lasts the match, save for being taken off to time waste a bit in the last minute. Wow. We have only come back from 2 goals down to win a home game for the first time since 1992. I was there for that one too – we beat Brentford 3-2. I and the 4,927 others who were there can say they saw John Pearson score twice…cos it never happened again, the useless f*****.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Masterful. The amount of balls he delivered to a red shirt in that final third. And the way he pings crosses in, low (cos we’ve no-one to win a header). And his flicks straight into the path of Red on the move. A thoroughbred.
** Cleary. His pace, power and trickery blew them away when he came on.
* Vickers. Scored, was a threat...and crucially in my decision for 3rd, didn’t give a penalty away!

Official MOTM: Phillips

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Phillips 2. McGoildrick 3= Vickers/Cleary

Despatches:
Starting with the players, Cooper had nothing to do, yet conceded 2. MdG looked very nervous, an accident waiting to happen. I thought he’d morphed into Marc Roberts the way he was treating the ball like a hot potato. Earl looked as baffled. I never really noticed the Plymouth bloke apart from that ‘shot’ early doors, while Bland was also part of a 4 man defence seemingly kept busy by one bloke in the 1st half. (And while everyone jumps on what a quality performance he gave blah blah blah– listen, I get it, we WANT Bland to do well – 4 times, FOUR TIMES, he got caught under throw-ins down the line in that 2nd half. Basically, he steps forwards, the ball goes over his head, and unless MdG covers, they’re in. Maybe there were more 1st half, but I notice it 2nd cos it was right in front of me.)

On to midfield, where Connell and Yoganathan can tippy-tappy till the cows come home if that 1st half was anything to go by. Still, better than kicking a ball FORWARD and out of play. I’d just go all school team and tell ‘em ‘Listen lads. When you get the ball, just pass it to one of them 4 in front of you. They’re better than you.’ At least Luca had that snapshot. THAT’S what I really want. MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, don’t just hope things will happen.

Then the front 4. For the little that DKD did, if you watch the extended highlights, he could have scored a hattrick. His movement and understanding with other players (other GOOD players: I mean Phillips and McGoldrick) means they know where he’s going, where to put the ball, etc. Plus he’s proactive (imagine!) He scored that tap-in cos he knows that keeper might save it, might put it just there and he might just score. And McGoldrick. He’s no pace, but he’s got class in abundance. The way he sometimes moves his body to keep the defender away from the ball reminds me a little of John Hendrie. Having a forward with a modicum of intelligence goes a long way. Now, where’s Max Watters?

Course, it can’t all be sunlit uplands. No wonder there was such a vast array of Reds shirts – you can’t get hold of the current one in the club shop. Sold out. That problem with the safe standing blocking those in the disabled stand from having a view? Yep, not sorted. (Still, it’ll flush out anybody pretending they can’t walk when they jump out of their wheelchair to see a Reds attempt at goal). Oh, and there was new BARNSLEY FOOTBALL CLUB lettering on the back of the West Stand (good). But the old lettering could still be seen (bad). Never do a job properly, BFC.

Big thanks to my chauffeur (Loko) for the lift to Barnsley. And thanks to Nice Guy Chris for pointing out it was the shorts wot won it. Yes, COME ON YOU WHITE SHORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasthe demise of the women's team in the summer worth it? No comment. And talking of Loko, good to see his favourite O’Keeffe give a penalty away fro Stockport after getting the wrong side of his man. Am I expecting too much of Challinor to teach O’Keeffe how to defend while he’s there?

Drink du jour: Verdant Lightbulb pale ale in Spiral City.

Away: 435 (12,456)

The Damage:
£9.70 train
50 odd quid new shirt
= £9.70

BFC 0-0 Burton Albion, Saturday 1st February 2025

‘Why would you pick this match for Sky?’

In the not too distant past, a couple of former Londontykes who ought to know better (we’ll call them Molly and Wadd) were calling for 1pm kick-offs for home games during the winter months. Apparently it’s a bit nippy out there and they could be home under a blanket before whatever passes for ‘Saturday evening entertainment’ even enters their televisual screens. Nevermind that actual Londontykes would have to be up at the crack of dawn. Well, fast forward a few years, and PROGRESS. Those media execs at Sky, who are IN NO WAY killing football, now have us on telly at half twelve, against Burton Albion, with a good 3,000 missing off the gate (whatever the official figure was). Is it cos it’s a bit chilly and the game’s on t’telly? Or has Oakwell apathy kicked in early, as we look further and further away from being a side capable of bagging a play-off spot? (I think Jonesy was quoted 82 quid for a rail ticket.)

And what does this mean for next season? Even Satdy 3pm games are randomly re-scheduled for lunchtime, or Sunday, or even Friday nite (Mansfield home). Some of us can get to every home game and may renew regardless, but why? The club, desperate to actually have a crowd, are so full of offers (‘bring a mate for a tenner’) you could just elect to come and see 6-10 home games when the discount rates are offered – as long as you still know an actual season ticket holder. Satdy was NOT one of these games tho. Andy’s mate Chris paid 26 quid and, surprisingly, didn’t feel it was money well spent by full-time. (Our time in the pub was post-match rather than pre-match. Again, I prefer a pint PRE match. Before the match, you THINK you’ll be poor. After the match you KNOW it.)

On Satdy we eked out a nil-all against Burton Albion, a side who were in the Northern Premier League when I first saw the Super Reds in 80-81 (and they really WERE ‘super’ in those days). Last time out at Oakwell, we were failing to score against Stevenage, who were in the United Counties League Division 1. No, me neither. They were playing the likes of British Timken Duston, Corby Gainsborough and Higham Town (not that one), while we played in front of 25,000 against Rovrum. It seems a world away.

But shouldn’t all this be in ‘Despatches’? Ah, yes. The problem is, if I wrote about the game (nil nil) there wouldn’t be a lot to say. I can say this: we must have played well, cos Coach Clarke told em at half-time to continue what they were doing. At least we had a few (long) shots tho, mainly from Phillips. DKD had one charged down by the keeper, while this week’s hapless centre forward (Humphreys) cut inside to hit a shot on target, but otherwise struggled. I think Pines hit the post in a scramble, but otherwise, the closest we got (I’m told) was Lofthouse clearing the bar when clean through. I say ‘I’m told’. There was an injury and I’d decided I’d rather spend quality time in the men’s toilets than wait for their man to recover.

Still, no Roberts. Clean sheet! No Kilip. Clean sheet! No clue from the opposition forwards. Clean sheet! Yes, that Burton didn’t score had little to do with our defence and everything to do with two incredible misses. Twice, all they had to do was square it for a tap-in. The first time, their bloke tried to control it and failed. I can’t remember what happened to the second, but I remember how it occurred: Pines and Earl got in each others’ way down our left and their bloke ran through them. (Earl had earlier tried to give them a goal, while Pines spent the afternoon simply trying to stand up without falling over. I’ve seen untrained seals with better ball control, that’s for sure.)

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Excellent technique in hitting 3 long shots on target.
** Nwakali. Played some pretty football.
* The new keeper. Didn’t have anything to do save-wise, but punched or collected every cross.

Official MOTM: Nwakali.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Nwakali 2. Phillips 3= O’Keeffe / Russell

Despatches:
I feel for Ben Kilip. Along with MdG, he’s been our most consistent player since I’ve come back. (Yeah, yeah, Connell and Watters have been pretty consistent too!) So obviously, in a side struggling to score a goal, he’s the one needing replaced. To be harsh, I’m not saying he can’t be improved upon, but there’s other areas that command greater focus. Instead, we’ve got an Australian Aston Villa loanee who’s name might be something like Gauche. I’ve no idea. Can’t be ar5ed to look it up.

Mind, so much for lording MdG as our ‘footballing centre half’ last week. He couldn’t put a foot right on Satdy, regularly over running the ball or misplacing a pass. After a game or 2 out, I’ll put it down to ‘lack of match fitness’! O’Keefe had a promising 1st half, without creating anything, before disappearing. Who was this week’s left back? Why, Kyran Lofthouse was given a trot out. 3rd choice a fortnite ago after signing F...whatever the Oirish bloke’s called...he’s suddenly overtaken Gent for a start. His input was such that he was the first to be hauled. Yes, needing a goal, Coach Clarke sends on Georgie Gent at left back. I’ve already said Earl was pretty hapless, and at least Roberts’ suspension meant we CAN only play him or Pines. Though with Clarke’s fabled ‘5 outstanding centre halves’, surely there’s the option to play neither? DKD had a couple of moments, but not enough, while Humphreys looked lost as a centre forward. He appears all muscle, but has absolutely zero presence. He needs a few lessons from the 5 ft 9 Neil Shipperley (and I don’t mean on what to get up to when alone and bored in a van).

Still, I shouldn’t moan. The genie I unleashed last week finally gave me my wish: a side without Roberts, Connell and Watters and we achieve a spectacular goalless draw against a side who were bottom of the table last time I looked. (However, I’m told they'd won 3 in a row and scored 9 goals, so maybe it’s a good point!!!)

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral City.

Away: 302 (10,555...allegedly).

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Burton Albion 1-2 BFC, Saturday 21st September 2024

‘They’re not letting pies in? You’re kidding me!’

Another poor performance, another victory. I love division 3. Win our next home game and we’ll be on 16 points after 8 games. 2 points a game. Top 2 form in most seasons, and we’ve barely gelled. On Satdy we went in at half-time a goal to the good despite barely being in their half. I’m surprised the fans weren’t singing ‘are we Lincoln away in disguise?’ In the end, we concede late, score the winner later and it’s pandemonium in the away end. A bit like Millwall away the other season, when that faceless (Austrian?) centre forward scored the winner, the one I always said was crap. (He was.)

Of course, if you want to win games, scoring a 2nd...or a 3rd...might help, and the way we tossed away chances in the second half made it look like we were happy to squeak through. The more Burton desperately searched for an equaliser, the more we were left 3 on 3, 2 on 2...and in not taking our chances on the break, we nearly paid the price.

That we went ahead was thanks to a 30 yard free kick from Connell. I’m not sure we can rely on that every week. It was a good hit, low into the corner, but would I be accepting that from our keeper? Not a chance. Their best (half) chances came in the opening half hour as Roberts managed to blunder once, twice...thrice times. He really is a liability with the ball at his feet. If I were the opposition, I wouldn’t even bother hitting it into space, just look for Roberts on the floor. My God, he’s meant to be the experienced hand bringing calmness and solidity to our backline, not chaos and calamity. I wouldn’t mind if he was domineering in the air, but was that Roberts that their bloke ghosted past to head in the equaliser? (Answer: yes.)

Still, it was a peach of a cross. But with 2 minutes left (plus injury time) it looked like we’d thrown it away. Not that Burton didn’t deserve it. They’d pressed heavily that last 10 minutes, as well as the opening half. So we took a leaf out of their book and replied in IDENTICAL fashion...a right footed in-swinger from the left wing back (O’Keefe). Only our centre forward (Humphreys) has to work harder for it, dominating their centre half to head home. Why doesn’t Cosgrove do this? Or Watters? Win a header in THEIR box?

Humphreys thereafter shows his true class by miscontrolling a ball 10 yards when clean through, but by then it was pelting it down. That’s fine though. One of us has left his rainjacket in the car but has his sunglasses with him. Still, it’s a beautiful day...(am I coming over all U2?).

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cotter. Ran at people, beat people, got crosses in. It didn’t always work, but I’d say he’s earnt the right to lose a ball he’s carried 50 yards up the pitch.
** (My Name is) Earl. Strong at the back and enjoyed a run of his own.
* De Givigny. If you’re in a back 3 with Roberts, you need to be on top of your game.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cotter 2. Earl 3= Connell / De Givigny

Despatches: Mr Tickle is right. Connell’s ability to draw a foul and slow the game down IS underrated...cos I don’t see it. I didn’t think Connell did owt aside from score. Bafflingly anonymous, aside from when he bore down on their goal 2nd half, ignored the overlapping wingback (O’Keefe by that point?), who’d have been clean through, to put his greedy glasses on and send a shot wide. That’s the second time this season I’ve seen him ignore an overtaking wingback who’s in a far superior position. Lots of space, a simple pass to make. Season before last, Connell was my favourite player. He’s not been the same since. Will we ever get him back? (Is he the new Woodrow? ‘Off form’ for TWO years.

DKD...superb debut and done nowt since. Brought out a conversation on players who’ve done same. Great start, turned out to be rubbish. I can’t remember which player was mentioned, but the one who stands out for me was a B. Dire. Was Sunderland away his debut? He was amazing. I spent the next 5 years (sorry, 25 years) cursing the day, etc. Anyway, DKD. Anonymous. I never saw him last week at Stevenage, but those who were there didn’t either. Honestly, I didn’t realise he was playing till I saw him trot back to help defend a corner.

The rest? Not worth a mention. O’Keefe was a having a bit of a mare at left back, 1st half…but HE’S NOT A LEFT WINGBACK. I am sick of going on about this. Left back and right back are NOT the same. Managers ought to get their heads around this. The best left backs are LEFT footed. Cadden got brickbats for having a poor ‘cross completion rate’ (WTF!?) last season but a) he got crosses in and b) it wasn’t his fault Cole et al hid behind defenders and wouldn’t break to the front post. Now, there’s nary a cross put in (so it’s ironic that’s how we got the winner).

Oh, Benson’s hair came on as sub. I love his hair. I wish I had a full head of the stuff like him. He looked alright, again. Jalo, meantime, came on and got broken by an opposition arm. He was virtually clothes-lined, like something out of Wrestlemania. Not even a free kick, let alone a card.

Still, another great day. Met up with Reedy, Nozzer and Special Guest Ozzy at The Last Heretic, before dragging them to a micro brewery under the railway arches that had a blackboard out advertising itself. Sat outside, sun blazing, beer in hand, the football not yet kicked off. Lapping up the last of the summer vibes.

Drink du jour: Thornbridge Crux IPA in The Last Heretic; Tasted weirdly of ginger to me. Thornbridge Astryd at Outwoods Brewing Company. OK, I s’pose. (Will I ever get that gig reviewing beer?)

Away: 1,161. First time (I think) we’ve never sold out here. Still 2 away games in a row (scored 0, conceded 10) can’t have helped. Youse missed a treat (ish).

The Damage:
£18 ent
c.£35 petrol
= c.£53

Burton Albion 1-3 BFC, Monday 1st April 2024

‘Get off the f***ing pitch you s*** c***’

The atmosphere in the away end started positive. The fans were getting behind the team, albeit there was some mystification behind Coach Collins’ selections and strategy. No Devante Cole (no argument here!) or McAtee. Or Phillips. Jon Russell was in the starting line up, a fact I learnt as some bloke started singing ‘it’s all Jonny Russell’s fault’ in the bog, pre-match. Collins has morphed into Gary Flitcroft, changing a winning (away) set up to demonstrate his continental appeal. Russell, in front of a back 4. Cadden pushed further forward and Earl playing left back. McCart and MdG centre halves. O’Keefe in front of Jordan on the right and Cosgrove up top on his own. 4-1-4-1. This’ll do well when we’re playing at Camp Nou.

One obvious advantage to all this is that Kane sees very little of the ball. Pushed further forward and without the safety net of 4 unmarked defenders to play it back or square to, he’s not in the game. (It took me a while to realise he was playing, as I scanned the field for changes.) However, with only one player up, the ball didn’t last long in their half and I don’t remember us having a sniff at goal.

Burton, meantime, looked poor but were allowed 2 or 3 snapshots at our goal. It’s ok though, I get it, the players are getting used to a new formation. But the lackadaisical attitude is summed up in Connell losing the ball on the halfway line goal and their player being allowed to run forward 25 yards before burying it into the bottom corner. The negative energy in the away end, thus far bubbling under, bursts forth. ‘Neill Collins…your football is s***’. And it is. This is woeful. Still, I am amused to hear the old Bambo Diaby chant, a surefire sign Washday are losing. I feel much better knowing he laiks for them and not us. Half-time comes with our fans chanting for the coach’s head, though I didn’t hear that. Maybe I’d blocked it out.

Truth be told, I was already in a bad mood. My back is killing me and I’ve made the mistake of standing. My second mistake is in not getting there early enough to bag a crash barrier to lean on. (Miraculously, my back doesn’t feel so bad later on, as we start scoring. Go figure.) I’ve also had a bit of a mare, pre-match. Driving to the outlaws in Lichfield, the A38 turnoff is closed (HS2! Yes, work is still on going in certain non-northern parts of the country!) and my satnav gets lost. At one point, I’ve turned the suburbs of Lichfield into the countryside with a sign saying ‘Lichfield 3½’.

Later, I arrange to have a pre-match drink with Chris. Let’s just say it didn’t go to plan as I allow Chris carte blanche. He’s near the station, he’ll find a place. I drive past the ground, park up near town, and find he’s wandered towards the Pirelli, past a couple of pubs (closed). I end up back where I was half an hour earlier, in a crap pub (The Beech) by the ground reserved for the away fans. In the home of brewing, I enjoy a...Cruzcampo. Spanish lager. Brilliant. I said I was in a bad mood. (It appears it was my fault for mishearing Chris, and it probably was. This is what happens when there’s no Andy Reed to orchestrate drinking.)

Where was I? Oh yes, half-time. Does Coach Collins stick with the experiment, have a word with the players, explain what they’ve done wrong, what to change (everything?) Or does he make actual changes? Bl**dy hell, it’s b). Phillips and McAtee (tee tee) are on, Kane and O’Keefe hauled. (I have to admit, I hadn’t realised O’Keefe was playing, nevermind Kane.) We are back to 3-5-2. You can imagine my disappointment, as if we start scoring, I’ll have nothing to moan about.

We start scoring. Less than 10 minutes have been played and McAtee has already put 2 dangerous crosses into the box (where’s Cosgrove?) before he takes matters into his own hands and smashes in the rebound after Phillips hits the post with an open goal header. 10 minutes later, he’s put us in the lead. The goal is both bizarre and brilliant. Cosgrove plays him in near the halfway line and, with the keeper in no-man’s land, McAtee hits it early and bamboozles the custodian from around 35 yards out. Anyone else would try controlling the ball first. Anyone else would NEED to control the ball first. Pure class.

The coup de grace is administered by Connell. In a finish reminiscent of Burton’s goal, defenders back off and back off before Luca hits it low from 20 yards across the keeper. And there’s always something sweet about being right behind a shot you can see the keeper is never getting to. I could have jumped around long before the ball hit the net, but I’ve a crippling back injury. Have I mentioned it?

By now, it’s a procession. The fans are onside, though an attempt at ‘EIEIEIO’ stalls before it gets to ‘Collins is our king’. But fair play to the coach. He doesn’t want to embarrass Burton, so sticks on Cole to stop the scoring. He has one chance, as another defensive aberration sees him up against the keeper on the edge of the box. Can he drop a shoulder, feint one way, go the other, and leave the keeper on his backside for a tap-in? No, he gets tackled.

Onwards and upwards!

*** McAtee (tee tee). Came on and turned the game. I wish he was ours.
** MdG. A magnificent performance. MOTM any other game, he won every physical battle, made interceptions, brought the ball out. Got done once, and that was at 3-1 up.
* Cosgrove. Created the first two goals with a flick on and pass.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
I have a theory. You see all them home defeats? It’s that comedy home shirt. The players are embarrassed. Our only away defeat this season? Derby County. What strip were we wearing? That comedy shirt. I rest my case, m’lud. No further submissions. The opposition can’t take us seriously when we wear that shirt.

That said, I think I read this is the most number of away wins by a Reds side EVER (with 4 to play). Most points, most all sorts. Longest unbeaten away run. What have we lost at home? 6? 7? Mind, maybe SUPPORT helps too. The away fans generally get behind the team, and at home...well. We’ve had decent support in two home games...Derby and Bolton. We won one and were seconds away from winning the other. However, I’d argue CRITICISM helps too...we turned it around at Lincoln and Burton (and maybe others) after the fans turned on the players. So maybe just some NOISE from us makes a difference, instead of the usual chuntering on and leaving early (all home games). Or telling the yoofs off for singing about the Pope and the IRA. Who cares? (It was allowed today, and they only did it once.)

Finally, Connell. I know it’s blasphemy to criticise (potentially) our best player. But I was amazed to learn his goal was his 1st of the season. No wonder we’re struggling, if the centre forward isn’t bagging and our 2 central midfielders (Connell, Kane) offer such few goals. Thank goodness for McAtee (tee tee) and, to a lesser extent, Cosgrove.

Drink du jour: Cruzcampo.

Away: c.1300. Didn’t look a sellout, which shows the lack of belief at the moment.

The Damage:
£20 ent (£2 admin fee)
£3 programme
c.£30 petrol
= c.£53