Carlisle United 2-3 BFC, Tuesday 12th March 2024

‘Oh God he’s p***ed...get to bed NOW!’

I’m up in the north-east this week, so of course I had a ham and pease pudding sandwich for my lunch yesterday. And today. And tomorrow. And Thursday. And I’ll bring the ingredients back for another one on Friday. If there’s one thing I miss about the north-east, it’s pease pudding. So I wasn’t all that hungry when I went for pre-match tapas with Nice Guy, Jim and Oakwell historian, pre-match. (You get a better class of companion going to Carlisle.)

Ah, Carlisle. We’ve not played them since...was it 84-85? 85-86? Anyway, I was 11 and the turnstile operator let me climb over for free, so I’ve always had a soft spot for them. One-all it was (Ian Walsh). He was rubbish an’ all – me not rating our centre forwards is not a recent thing. Remarkably, we hadn’t beaten them away in the league since 1954. Was Gerry (R.I.P.) there, I wonder, like he was at QPR in 1950? And is there a team in the league who’re NOT a bogey team for us? Lincoln home Satdy, Carlisle away today. Just as remarkably, we’ve only played them 8 times at Brunton Park in 70 years, as we both yo-yo past each other in the league.

After a mini pub crawl of the Kings Head, a tapas bar and a pub with Apple in the title (I think), we found ourselves outside the ground to hear the teams come out. Who’s been sending Coach Collins my drivel? Kane and Cole are OUT. About time. Mind, so is McCart. Was Satdy’s defensive debacle all his fault? Dunno, but with Pines continued absence, MdG is back in the centre (Coach Collins DOES read my nonsense!) and Jordan is back in the 3. Even better, after criticism on Satdy, Jordan DOES concentrate on his own performance and rifles in a 25 yarder into the top corner to equalise.

And do the changes prevent defensive aberrations? Of course not. A ball bounces over our defence and they’re in for one nil. Indeed, until Jordan’s out-of-nowhere worldy, we were being shown up by the worst side in the division (again) as slick one touch moves left our defence grasping. Luckily, they’re bottom for a reason (and let the reason be love). Lady Luck never shines on teams at the bottom, and when Jordan trips their player at one-all, the ref refuses to point to the spot. That’ll teach that not so wily Cumbrian to try and stay on his feet. (Seriously, does a player have to hit the floor for a penalty?) At the other end McAtee hits the bar, but I can’t tell whether he ought to have done better, while Cosgrove stings the keeper’s paws with a mighty 25 yarder.

Second half, we run riot. Well, we score 2 and dominate, before carelessly conceding a late goal against the run of play to make life interesting. Cosgrove takes a throughball and intelligently lifts it over the keeper for McAtee to bundle home. (Lesser mortals may have shot and had it smothered.) Then a ball is swung to the backpost, and who’s this ghosting in? Why, it’s Zinedine Zidane. Ok, it’s not, it’s Jon Russell (in for Herbie) who’s been christened Zidane by one disbelieving wag. (‘Wag’ in the traditional sense of the word.) Done and dusted, home and hosed, all that’s left is to wonder how many we’ll score, when complacency hits, O’Keefe completely misses a ball down the line and they’re in for 2-3 and an ‘interesting’ last few minutes. Do we have enough? Well, we have enough to beat a side with 11 defeats in 12. But we need to improve.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cosgrove. Led the line superbly, chased balls, held them up, found his teammates, cracking shot, set up a goal.
** McAtee. I wish he wasn’t as good as he is. We might have had a chance of buying him.
* Russell. I dunno, I’m plucking a name out of a hat now, but I liked how madly he celebrated his goal, knowing full well nobody rates him.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cosgrove 2. McAtee 3. Connell

Despatches:
I forgot to say, no Roberts in goal either. Kilip fills me with zero confidence. Jordan scored his worldy, but shoulda had a penalty against him. O’Keefe and Cadden were fairly anonymous, our tactic mainly appearing to be to knock it around defence 3 or 4 times before hitting it long to Cosgrove. Difficult to give the back 3 marks when they concede 2 to Carlisle. Luca put it about, while Phillips looked OK, but let down Nice Guy who had a twoer (that’ll be two pounds, not 2 grand) on Adam to score and there being more than 5.5 goals in the match. Wise Guy Jim suggests bookies offering a special offer ‘more than 5.99 goals’. Why 5.5? It could be 5.01. 5.36 recurring. Anyway...Oh, and Cole and Marsh came on, half an hour and 20 minutes left respectively. I don’t know who did less.

The drinking continued in the pub over the road from Brunton Park. I think there were more Barnsley than Carlisle, as we caught the end of a Champions League tie, plucky little Arsenal beating Porto on pens. And in a rare example of my benevolence, I helped out a friend in need. I won’t say who, but someone many of us know was in a right drunken state and had no idea how to get to his hotel. So I took him to my hotel, made him a coffee, charged his phone enough for me to find his hotel...then got lost trying to find it. (I’m a follower not a leader). Thus, after walking round town, we got to the station and re-traced his route 10 hours earlier…to find it was round the corner from my abode. Oh, and did I say I had to be up at 5:15am, as I had people coming round early? (Needless to say, those f***ers didn’t turn up when they said they would).

Drink du jour: Gamma Ray, red wine, more red win. I blame the classy company!

Away: 883. Their away end is bizarre, the stand stretching beyond the touchline cos they were gonna move the pitch (but never did). Thus, you have Reds fans needlessly having poorer views while the ground can potentially hold nearly 14,000 more than came tonite. Still, it might be another 40 years before we play them again, so it was nice to visit.

The Damage:
£24 ent
£2 programme (a foldy out thing wot covered Carlisle v Reading too.)
c.£25 petrol
£40 hotel
= c.£91

BFC 2-1 Carlisle United, Tuesday 16th January 2024

‘Rest your chest!’

Was that the worst ever winning performance ever in the history of worst ever winning performances? It’s certainly up there. The opening 14 minutes were EXTRAORDINARY. Carlisle should have racked up 4 goals with some absolutely bizarre defending from us. We’re 40 seconds in when Shepherd confuses himself and let’s their centre forward run on to it. Only a great save from Roberts denies them. Then Shepherd passes is straight to another opponent, on his own with the keeper to beat. The player is so surprised he puts it wide. I am on the verge of agreeing with Slacki that we’ll win this one five nowt (any team that misses those chances is onto a hiding to nothing) when our luck runs out. The keeper inexplicably gives it straight to Luke Armstrong (son of Alan) who drills it home off the post from 30 yards. And there’s still time for Styles to be stripped down our left and a cross be headed against our post. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it.

The Carlisle manager (Paul Simpson) put it down to their excellence, and it was true, they pressed high, but every single chance was on us. We were APPALLING. At half-time I bumped into BARNSLEY’S LOUDEST FAN, Darryl. He put it down to Kane and Phillips. THEY’RE JUST S*** he bellowed from 20 cm away. In truth, it could have been any of them, save for McAtee and De Givigny. And what about Styles? 2 minutes after his first defensive aberration he’s let the right winger free straight from a throw-in. Thankfully, that cross came to nought. Whythehell isn’t Cadden playing? Didn’t we see enough of Styles on Satdy? Anyway, it’s half-time and the PA tells me Cadden is on. Woo hoo!

‘Cept it’s not Styles that’s been hooked, it’s Connell. Styles is now centre mid. And Cotter is on, ‘the Irish Messi’ according to the 3 lads behind me. ‘Run, Barry, run’ they mocked. (Later, Jon Russell would get the treatment when he came on.) Suddenly, we’re camped in THEIR half, though without the chances to show for it. Then, Jordan Williams takes the bull by the horns and goes on a run from the halfway line before firing a pass to Cole. The latter controls superbly before firing it into the far corner with his left foot. Oh, I nearly forgot. This is just after Carlisle have missed an open goal, as Shepherd’s backpass is short and the centre forward lofts it over Roberts...and narrowly wide. I thnk everyone in Oakwell was waiting for it to loop into the net.

Then...nothing. Well, Cadden was doing his best, whipping a ball all the way across the inside of a crowded 6 yard box devoid of forwards wanting to get in there and put the ball in the net. Then Coach Collins plays his usual card…on comes Cosgrove to no avail, though hauling Styles allows McAtee to drop behind the front 2. Still nothing (a weak McAtee overhead kick not counting). Then, with time slipping away, Phillips has a coming together in the box. There’s a half-hearted appeal for a pen. The ref pauses, thinks about it...and gives it! I thought it was weak. Phillips has struggled to get the ball under control all night, so I’m not sure he has this time either. But you knows the rules: he’s on the floor so it must be. Their manager Paul Simpson later describes the award as ‘embarrassing’ and ‘disgusting’. Herbie Kane drills it high and down the middle, 2-1. Cue chants of ‘he gets the ball and he scores a goal, Herbie, Herbie Kane’ on the bridge afterwards. Probaly those lads sat behind me.

We have, unbelievably, won. We have missed zero chances, they could have had 6. I am convinced we will go on to be the worst team ever to win promotion.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cadden. Ran at them, delivered crosses, our biggest attacking threat.
** De Givigny. Mainly for the first half, holding his head while everyone else in the back line was losing theirs.
* Cole. The Goal King does it again.

Official MOTM: Cadden

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cadden 2. McAtee 3. Cole

Despatches:
I know I said it was an extraordinary opening segment, but that’s forgetting a fight breaking out in the Ponty after half an hour. With chants of ‘dee dah dee dah’ I presume the 2 lads having punches and missiles thrown at them were a bit lost, but, say they were Washday or Blunts, whythehell spend Tuesday nite watching THAT? And why make yourself known? And why be anywhere near our youth in the top corner of the Ponty? It was all a bit bizarre. Like our defending.

The mercurial Cotter barely featured, though did put in a couple of long throws. Russell came on and looked lost (I know, cos I got a running...or walking...commentary behind me). Phillips was awful at times, along with stablemate Kane. Championship player of the month for December? He wasn’t even BARNSLEY’S player of the month. That was McAtee, who again looked the most likely, first half. Connell was never in it. Was he hauled cos he’s injured? Or ill? Or off to Huddersfield? Cosgrove failed to win a header or hold a ball up, but in his favour...he’s not Watters. Roberts...did he make a save that 2nd half? Possibly not. Shepherd continued to look a liability throughout, though did make a couple of good challenges, while Jordan showed the likes of O’Keefe and Cotter how it’s done with that run.

Still, after hearing from A. Londontyke that we have 10 (TEN) Championship quality players, I was looking forward to scoring spadefuls against relegation certainties Carlisle. Maybe we’ll do that in the away game?

Drink du jour: Leffe in Bramahs.

Away: 883. A tremendous turnout from our friends in the north. They seemed to be having fun, singing to themselves about libraries, the sh*thole they’ve chosen to go to and our support being less than creditable. It was hard to disagree.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
£2.50 fanzine
= c.£10.50

Esh Winning 0-4 Carlisle City, Thursday 28th April 2022

Esh Winning 0-4 Carlisle City, Northern League Division 2, West Terrace (Waterhouses), att. 92

FINALLY, in a fraught end to the season caused by fixture rearrangements (an ever-present danger at this level) I have completed all 41 Northern League grounds in the same season, and what a beautiful ground to end it all, Esh Winning’s Waterhouses, AKA the 'WindowsPlusRoofs Arena’. (It should also say ‘and old bus stands’ given the structures down one side of the pitch.) Yes, the scenic Deerness valley is the location for this late re-arrangement, and one advantage of its late season position is that the sun sets that little bit later, allowing a longer view of the surrounding hills and trees. And on the far bank, by the all-seater ‘stands’ that are a couple of sheds with the front removed, there is the sound of the lesser-spotted Thames Estuary groundhopper, as 3 surprisingly young blokes chat about their latest exploits, and staying in the nearby Durham City. Well done those lads.

Without another game on tonite, it’s perhaps also inevitable that I bump into my old History teacher again, for probably the 5th time this season. Standing with his mates, second half, by the bus shelters, conversation turned to completing all the grounds in one season. To their knowledge, November was the earliest it’s been done. These old timers mainly stick to the County Durham grounds, but to be fair to the Northern League, they’re the best ones…Esh, Tow Law, Crook, West Auckland…even Brandon at a push (well, I like Brandon).

Down what looks like a farm track, Waterhouses has a large field for a car park, ample enough for the crowds they get. Another late season bonus is I don’t have to worry about the car getting stuck in the mud. A walk round the ground to the main entrance, and into the ground under a propped cover attached to the clubhouse. A quirky main stand is adjacent to the left, a roof pointing upwards towards the sky, no use if the winds blowing this way. To the right, a small wooden cover and couple of steps of terracing, while the fence carries round behind the goal. Wooden barriers prevent you leaning against the fence (is it that unsturdy?) while a pitch roller lies beyond signs warning against bad language. Try telling the players.

The match itself is a procession, after early resistance from Esh. Carlisle are on their way to a late season run to the Championship, winning game after game in hand on long time leaders Heaton Stannington. I have to admit, by the end, I’d lost track of the score. It finished 4, it could have been twice as many. Well done Carlisle on mission completed and good luck next season in division 1. For Esh, fingers crossed their second off bottom spot doesn’t result in demotion. Waterhouses would be a sorry loss to the Northern League. **

** In the end, Esh were saved by the resignation of Ryhope CW from the Northern League (in the same season they’d won the Durham Challenge Cup; a unique double).

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1 tea
£0.50 Blue Riband
= £6.50

The Tunes:
The Voltarol Years (Half Man Half Biscuit)