BFC 5-0 Morecambe, Saturday 1st April 2023

‘Ahm ganna kick its f***ing c*** in’

Please, EFL, NEVER have us kicking off a home game on April Fools Day ever again. Not if I have to put up with various Londontykes trying to outfool one another with japery you could signpost. Mads out for the rest of the season having been beaten up midweek by Washday fans? Duff to Palace in the summer, done deal? Devante Cole to score 2 goals in the same match? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Next time, try to be a little LESS preposterous in your japery.

We don’t give Morecambe a chance. One up after 3 minutes, 2 up after about 20, 3 on the half hour….we could hit 7 or 8 here. That we don’t is down to Duff giving the lesser lights a runout and taking off star man Connell at four nil, 55 minutes in. Thereafter, we play neat little triangles in the middle of the pitch and proceed to do nothing for half an hour. Thankfully, a corner into the box in injury time gives Bobby Thomas the chance to add the cherry on the icing.

The first is straight off the training ground, as Kane drags the ball back from a free kick for Connell to hit low and hard, Cole gobbling up the rebound from 6 yards. We increase the lead from another Connell shot, as the keeper parries, we whip the ball straight back in and Watters provides the presence and their defender the final touch. Of course the PA announcer gives it to Watters, but his reluctant celebration is the giveaway. The third confuses me. Is that Mads Andersen dribbling in from their right? Yes it is. And Mads is confused too, as the ball bobbles around before deflecting off a defender for Kane to join the party. We could be talking silly numbers today.

The fourth, early in the second half as we kick towards the Ponty, is a beauty. Jordan Williams plays the ball inside and Kane dummies it for Cole to have a tap-in. This is the greatest dummy since Danny Wilson’s first season in charge, when we won 3-1 at Notts County. Problem is, with memory failing, I can’t remember if it was Payton’s dummy for Brendan O’Headless* to score, or vice versa. (The game also inhabits what’s left of my memory as my nana had never rocked up to an away game before, but hearing that her favourite - only – grandson was hitching up to the game from London, she came with my dad who’d called into Barnsley on the way down; try explaining to a pensioner why 1500 Barnsley are chanting ‘your mams and dads are scabs’ at the junior section**.)

* still one of my favourite ever Reds players
** the only part of the home end making any noise, hence the chants being directed towards them

Then Duff takes pity. Phillips, Russell and Benson come on for Connell, Thomas and Kane and all midfield impetus is lost. Tedic looks keen when he comes on for the lump that is Watters, but the supply line has dried up. We even let Morecambe have a kick, as former Red Dan Crowley (remember him? On loan from Arsenal? ‘The best 17 year old in the country.’ No? That’s cos he was RUBBISH.) Anyway, he bangs one off the far post from inside our box, as we start getting cocky. Still, it’s the wake-up call we need not to take liberties, and we play keep-ball. A rare foray into the final third brings a corner which Thomas heads in at the back post from a height of about 3 foot. THAT is how appalling the Shrimpers are. ‘You can only beat what’s in front of you’ et cetera.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Tackles, drives forward, shots. It’s no coincidence our game ended with him.
** Mads. As perfect a game as one could play in central defence at home to Morecambe.
* Goal King Cole. Scored 2 and good outfield play in the second half. (Couldn’t hold a ball up for toffee, first.) Denied his first (last?) hattrick by an incorrect offside flag, though it looked offside to me.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cole 2. Andersen 3.Connell

Official MOTM: Was it Mads? (My memory…or lack thereof…is a concern.)

Despatches: Good to see Duff agreeing that Phillips is a passenger, and demoting him to the bench. Or b) giving Luke Thomas a runout in a presumably easy game, get him back to full fitness, etc. Ditto Watters for Norwood. There is no way this lump of lard gets a game otherwise. He must be six foot two, 2 feet wide of…what? I never saw him once win a header, but that’s probably cos he can’t jump. Watch him. Kane was excellent in tandem with Connell, while the defence were untroubled, save for that Crowley shot.

Good atmosphere too, though I drew a line at waving my scarf about by the 4th. It was cold, godammit. Bumped into a couple of Morecambe fans in the chippy beforehand. They predicted 5-0. ‘But we won’t let the football spoil our day.’ Honorary Londontykes! Mind, must mention Nice Guy Chris. Who says perennial optimism doesn’t pay off? He’s won a tenner off me for Cole reaching 14…and now the talk is that he’ll hit 20. Wind yer necks in, lads!

Oh, and I passed another milestone today. A few months shy of the half century, I can finally say I’ve had a go of the old Polyfilla. I used to have a life…

Drink du jour: Some average pale ale I’ve never heard of in Spiral City.

Away: About 200.

Today’s take home: Clever management (again) from Duff. Off to Palace in the summer I hear…

The Damage:
c. £30 travel (petrol)
= £30

Morecambe 1-0 BFC, Saturday 22nd October 2022

‘Der Der Der Der….f*** the Tories’

A wise old sage once said….’Watching Barnsley is a good day punctuated by 90 minutes of garbage’. I think it was Nozzer, Satdy. I, too, had a great time, save for the actual football. Lovely journey across the Pennines…testing my eyesight in Barney (Barnard Castle to us locals)…a couple of great pubs in Lancaster…avoided drab Morecambe, save for a once proud ho(s)tel(ry), now derelict…then after the game, taking a wrong turn and ending up with a stunning view of Morecambe Bay. (It has to be said, I’m more of a fan than those poor Chinese cockleshellers of not so long since.) Yes, I rather enjoyed my day, actually, apart from the 90 minutes (plus injury time) of Morecambe v Barnsley. But you know I enjoyed that too, seeing the Super Reds capitulate to the bottom of the league Shrimpers. You Reds!

I tried to tempt fate wherever I went. We were on s*** hot form away. They were bottom of the league. I told the programme seller we’d win handsomely (though I did tell her she could rub my face in it at full-time). I told Nice Guy Chris his bet would finally come in….3-1 to the Super Reds and Mads to score. It didn’t, and he didn’t. Though to be honest, he could have retired a second time as he added Cole to score too. Let’s just say I offered him double the odds in the pub pre-match but he ‘didn’t wanna take my money off me.’ Safest grand I’ve ever offered to risk.

I was obviously ‘up for it’ today, as I gambled my entrance in a row over Opal Fruits on the way in. (Yes, Opal Fruits are BACK – limited edition in B&M – and I’ve 25 packets at home in my cupboard to prove it.) Did I have any food on me? ‘No’. And to be fair, he didn’t find the Opal Fruits in my bag. But he found a second packet in my coat I’d forgotten about. ‘You can’t bring any food in’ my jobsworth friend told me. Unfortunately, the rules of entry were on a wall right behind him. ‘Can you show me on the ground regulations where it says I’m not allowed to bring Opal Fruits into the match?’ ‘Errrr…I’ve been told…you can’t bring food into the ground. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?’ Would I!? God, yes. I wanna hear this. Sadly, it was all over far too fast for someone up for an argument. ‘Do you have any chips in your bag?’ (Chips? In my BAG?) ‘Eh? No.’ ‘OK, let him in.’

After 5 minutes, I was rather pleased I’d made kick-off. It was all us. ‘I wish there was some action at this end’ I told Reedy. I got my wish. We barely strung a pass together the rest of the half and star Shrimper Cole Stockton blazed a chance over from 8 yards. What was wrong with us? Without much to chomp on, I told Reedy what had been bugging me all season. What DOES Cundy do? I mean, I wasn’t saying he’s rubbish. I wasn’t saying he’s good. Just that….I don’t know what he does. He’s not commanding, like a Helik. He doesn’t spray passes around like a Mawson. He doesn’t make big challenges like a Kitching. ‘He stands in the right place.’ Which is the LEAST I expect of a centre half. About five minutes later he was stood in the right place again, as the ball trickled through his legs for a passing Shrimper to prod into an open goal. (We’ll ignore the inability of others to deal with the long throw.)

By half-time it was plain we needed to see a change and I was pleased to see Duff tap into my half-time team talk to replace Connell with Kane. Connell is another one my jury is still out on. I know one or two others have seen him play a decent match, but that was while I was on holiday. Today, he was simply getting rid of the ball as fast as it came to him. At least Kane offers a semblance of composure (and he also tested the keeper from 20 yards within 3 minutes of coming on). And just to complete the triumvirate on new players I’m yet to be convinced over….Jack Aitchison. Came on and did his usual floating about behind the front line to little or no effect. ‘Runs about’ Nozzer tells me. Again, the LEAST I’d expect from someone trying to make things happen up top. Think Luke Berry without the hair flick. I’d describe other events in the match…except nothing happened. We ambled up the pitch, then stopped. Despite having 3 centre halves, the wing backs appeared to halt once they came across an opposition full back. Cole was running about up front to no avail, but we couldn’t bring him off – all we had on the bench was a 16 year old. (I’m not saying we were desperate, but the vocal element kept chanting for Jalo.) The natural candidates to be hooked were the 2 ineffectual loanees behind Cole…I’ll learn their names when it becomes important enough. Suffice that one is called Phillips and their parent teams are Norwich and Burnley. Either way, they were atrocious and created NOWT, so off they went. It made no difference. It was that kind of performance.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Andersen. Nothing wrong with his game, his finest moment chasing back and reading a throughball. ** Ten Benson. Sprayed it around, had a 25 yarder tipped over. Sadly, had to give it to other players in red black. Why were Morecambe playing in dark shirts when their colours are red? * Kane. Did more in 3 minutes than Connell did in a half.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
63% possession, 14-5 on shots (3-1 on target)…sounds like we shoulda walked it. Talk about stats not telling a story. Morecambe fully deserved their victory.

Full marks to our fickle support too, songs celebrating ‘Michael Duffy’ (Michael Duff, shurely?) being replaced at full-time with ‘What a load of rubbish’. Well, it was.

And Jalo did get on. The 16 year old got his runout, as Duff went with a front 2. We got nowhere, though we did get a corner where I noticed Cundy was 2 inches taller than anyone near him. Now, what does he do again?

Drink du jour: A pale ale in the John O’Gaunt and a Paulaner Weissbier in the Stonewell Tap. Ahhhh, Paulaner. I love Paulaner. Can we play Morecambe again sometime???

Away: c.1500

Today’s take home: There’s no easy games in this division. Apart from Barnsley.

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
£21 ent
£3 prog
= £55

The Tunes:
Four Calendar Cafe (Cocteau Twins)
Ou est la Maison de Fromage? (John Cooper Clarke)
Kid A (Radiohead)
Fighting Talk (BBC 5Live)

Forest Green Rovers 2-0 Morecambe, Saturday 28th October 2018

Forest Green Rovers 2-0 Morecambe (att. 2,515 )

Welcome to ....

One of the advantages of Sheffield Superclub’s (Sheffield Wednesday's) ludicrous pricing policy is that one doesn’t have to pay £36 to see one’s club at their Victorian hovel in a second division fixture, one can go on a groundhop. So it is that today I’m off to Forest Green Rovers, and, even better, I’m to be joined by The Captain, fresh from the Hampshire sticks in his own bid for 92 glory. After Forest Green, I’ll have 4 more to go: Stoke, Bristol Rovers, Accrington and Bury.

The Big Match Live.

I was very pleased to see Forest Green get promoted, though it does continue a recent pattern of clubs bankrolled into the league (Crawley, Fleetwood, etc) while traditional (northern) outposts go by the wayside (Hartlepool, Darlington, Tranmere). But at least Mr Forest Green is making his money in the right way, through ‘green energy’. And another reason to visit here ASAP is before he realises his ambition of building a new 5,000 stadium entirely of wood.

A glimpse of the stadium through the housing.

Of course, a visit here is unique in many senses. Based in the village of Nailsworth, there’s no smaller place boasting of a league side. And there’s no trains to Nailsworth, so, unless you drive or come by supporters coach, you’re almost certainly coming via Stroud, about 4 miles away. With The Captain arriving an hour after me, I was able to have a good nose about. While Stroud looked a vaguely prosperous market town, it was noticeable that half the pubs had shut down. Shame. The local Oxfam had an excellent selection of books, however.

Nailsworth's clock tower resplendent in a wreath of poppies.

Once The Captain arrived, we reposed to the Wetherspoons, before wandering through town for a bus to Nailsworth, the #88 as I remember. Or was it a 63?  Despite being tempted by having a beer in one of Nailsworth’s pubs, we made the correct decision in staying on till the end, to Forest Green’s ‘New Lawn Stadium’….which is based at the top of a very large hill. Maps tend not to show you the hills you have to walk up! (OK, maybe Ordnance Survey ones do…)

A nice touch from the food stall.

We’d done our homework though and knew the stadium had a social club, and what a fine example ‘The Green Man’ is. Sizeable, a big screen showing Sky (Man U were on, for a change), local ales on tap from the Stroud Brewery and the legendary vegan ‘Q pie’. You could even see the pitch through the serving hatch. Naturally, I had to have one of these non-meaty delights and…actually, it was rather nice. Certainly better than the steak and kidney I’d eaten at Oakwell the week before. Mind, speaking to a local, it was an open secret that the players enjoyed regular forages to the local Greggs for their animal fix. This despite the programme being a virtual vegan manifesto. From what I garnered, the local vegan society has its own football team…

The Green Man

What with it being such a beautiful day, we elected to stand on the away terrace, which ran all the way down one touchline. We were Shrimpers for the day! And Morecambe had brought a decent amount, over 100. The ground itself is small, but perfectly formed, with two small covered end terraces and a cantilevered main stand opposite. If I’m to be harsh, I guess it wouldn’t put them out too much to give over some of that terraced cover to the away fans; I’m guessing the weather isn’t always perfect, even in the Cotswolds.

The view along the terrace.

It wasn’t a classic, as befits two sides struggling at the wrong end of the league, but Forest Green won through. A simple give-and-go put Marsh-Brown through to nutmeg the keeper on the half hour, before a second half inswinging free kick was destined to creep in, whether someone got a touch or not. 2-0 and comfortable victory for the home side. All that was left was a return to the Wetherspoons and a mixed grill. I wasn’t taking the p***. I just fancied one. A lovely day out in the countryside.

The TV gantry-cum-scoreboard.

The Damage:
£18 Ent (standing)
£3.80 dayrider (bus)
£25 train
£3 prog
£?? Q pie
£?? Beer x 2.
= £49.80 plus beer and food. Problies another tenner or so.

Forest Green v Morecambe panorama.

Further green/Green credentials in the social club.

The North Stand.

This fella is one scarf short of a club shop.

The South Stand.  Teenagers and a drum.

What IS that thing in the corner?  A giant compost bin?

Match action.

Of all the places...The Captain MUST stand here.

The Main Stand.

Morecambe 1-3 Mansfield Town, Saturday 25th March 2017

Morecambe 1-3 Mansfield Town, League 2

Welcome to ....

It’s international week, meaning those of us who support higher division teams (like Barnsley!) can tick off another ground instead; Morecambe will be #87 and I’m well into the home straight. Even better, I’ll be joined on the journey up from London by The Captain, while Molly and Wadd will journey it across from Barnsley. A proper Londontykes’ day out at the seaside! Only South Western Trains desist from ‘minding their neb’ (business) and elect to have engineering works on the day in question. Thus, no Captain, who is bereft somewhere in the New Forest. (As an aside, today, Monday 27th March, it has been announced that SWT have lost their franchise; continued gross incompetence apparently ISN'T the way to run a rail network). 

It's very different to a trip to...oooh...Wolverhampton, say.

Thus, it is a long and lonesome journey, though I’ve plenty of work to amuse me. It was a quiet affair till Brum, when a bunch of screamy Brummie women got on. They’re obviously celebrating, but I know not what (leaving Brum for the day?). After changing at Lancaster, I arrive at Morecambe around 12:30, at what looks like a tram stop. Turns out the original station (400 metres towards the seafront) closed, to be turned into a restaurant. Shame, as the journey lacked the exit it deserved. 

Trying to decide which way in.

Despite agreeing to meet up with the others at the pub (The Palatine) I take a slight detour to wander along the promenade and see the former beauty that is the art deco Midland Hotel. Nice curves, though seen better days. Like Marilyn Monroe, without the affair with JFK. The Palatine was pretty average (4.6 / 5 and best pub in Morecambe according to some app or other – which possibly says more about Morecambe than about the Palatine). A couple of San Miguels and a hotpot later and we’re off to the game. Only we would be if we didn’t have to go via Wadds’ hotel. He takes an age, we miss our 1st taxi…and we get there after kick-off.

Match action.

No worries, nothing ever happens early doors. While we wonder which end to go in, Mansfield score. We know it’s Mansfield cos we’re outside the away turnstiles. We still can’t decide which end to go in. For some reason, Morecambe are not opening the away terrace today, so seating only. Or we could walk a bit further and stand with the home fans. 6 year old Lucas decides; he would like to join the Mansfield fans, possibly cos we all went there the other week. Before we enter, Morecambe equalise. Great. We miss 6 minutes and 2 goals.  At this rate it'll finish 15-all.  Nevermind a cricket score - it'll be a tennis score.  I'll get mi' coat.

TV gantry on the North Terrace.

Once inside, we are greeted by a large, smart stand, overlooking the rest of the ground. It’s single tier and fairly steep, good views. To our right is a small unoccupied covered terrace, and to our left, a barely occupied covered home terrace. Opposite meantime is a small terrace, open to the elements. Considering its modernity, I’ve no idea why this side isn’t covered. I can’t see Morecambe needing to expand the stadium anytime soon. Still, it’s a beautiful, beautiful day and if I knew the place better, I’d have stood over there too. As we ruminate on the likelihood of there being no more goals, Mansfield go ahead.

The Mansfield 'end' celebrate #2.

Morecambe are outnumbered in defence and the ball is laid outside to Danny Rose, who beats the keeper low to his right, despite him getting a hand to it. This is manna from heaven as far as we Londontykes are concerned, what with Rose being ex-Barnsley. Even better, the sizeable Mansfield contingent appears to have at least 4 different chants for him. That’s more than the rest of their chants put together. Turns out he grabbed the 1st an’ all. And it could (should) have been a hattrick early second half when he digs out a poor pass and gets his shot off despite the defender’s attention. 

What coulda woulda shoulda been the away terrace.

Inbetween, Mansfield grab another to lead 3-1 at half time and effectively win the match. Morecambe have nothing and the game peters out on their beach of a pitch. (Why did both sides insist on playing on the mud in front of the main stand, instead of the grass on the far side?  Even when they switched ends it continued.) As a savage indictment of what we were watching, I’ll give word to 6 year old Lucas: ‘Why do they keep kicking the ball in the air?’

All in all, a pleasant day out and a cracking little stadium to visit. Tho' given Morecambe have lost all 6 games in March, and are now playing in front of c1400, I suspect they won’t be in the league for very long. Get there while you can!

***special mention to Molly, who gave me a lift to Lancaster so's I could make my connection back.

Morecambe Beach

The Damage:
47 train
5 taxi
21 ent
3 prog
= £76

The Tunes:
Thirst for Romance (Cherry Ghost)
Coexist (The XX)
High Violet (The National)
The Libertines (The Libertines)
Plumb (Field Music)
Mixmag Sept 2010 (DJ Kutski and Alex Kidd)
Mixmag Oct 2015 (Major Lazer)
Knee Deep in the North Sea (Portico Quartet)
Disintegration (The Cure)

It was a long day!

Panorama from our seats

Panorama ground level

Man takes corner.

Babysitting at the Globe.

Bye Bye Globe Arena.  Hope to see you soon!