BFC 2-1 Bristol Rovers, Saturday 7th September 2024

‘But your mum won’t be as big a fan of women’s vaginas as we are.’

One unintended consequence of this season’s home shirt, with its 21 silly stars doted around the top of it, is that every time I look down, I think I’ve got crumbs all over my shirt. Even when I know the stars are there, I still fall for it. Is it just me?

You missed a treat, Satdy. In that first half we were FABULOUS. So obviously, we went in at one-all, despite absolutely dominating, and ripping them apart time and again. It helps that a) we don’t have a centre forward and b) our defence can balls one up at the drop of a hat. Their goal was comical, as a harmless looking flick-on was heading to Slonina. MdG left it, Pines thought he’d intervene, then didn’t...then maybe did...and the ball was past Slonina, leaving their centre forward with an empty net to tap into. We’d created chance after chance but we save our best one for them.

That we looked so good going forward was down to my new Favourite Player, this bloke with the double-barrelled (isn’t it great that ‘double barrelled’ is double barrelled?) name from Mansfield. He looks a class act. And he managed in 11 minutes what centre forward Cosgrove hasn’t managed all season. Score a goal. A throughball is delightfully flicked on by Connell to send Keilor Davis-Dunn...or is it Davis Keilor-Dunn? Keilor Dunn-Davis?...clean through and he has the composure and wherewithal to calmly stroke it home.

Together with his movement and passing, he looks some player. There was a moment second half when he superbly controlled a ball that was in the air behind him into his path without breaking stride. (Benson tried, and failed, the same thing later.) He already looks the future. I knew we couldn’t go the season with Cosgrove and Watters up top, so Watters’ injury has provided a handy inroad. (Of course, based on form and goals thus far, Cosgrove is in greater danger of the chop.)

Yet, for all our pressure first half, Rovers miss an unbelievable opportunity to take the lead early second half as O’Keefe (haplessly on at HT for the hapless Pines) unfathomably heads the ball back into his own 6 yard area for them to head it straight at Slonina. This will no doubt be forgotten about as people focus on their goal. We have 80% of the game and gift them the best two chances of the match.

Thankfully, it’s all to no avail, as Cotter bursts past the left back and clips the ball in for Phillips to run in and head. Just like he did last season. The kind of goals our centre forward(s) should be scoring. In comparison, Cosgrove’s best (worst?) effort came 1st half, as he completely missed the ball, 10 yards out, from a pull back. To be fair to him, why would he expect a Barnsley player to find him, free, in the penalty area, with a simple pull back?

Coach...Christ, I still can’t remember his name. Darrell something-or-other (triple-barelled!) is either extremely confident, or Phillips is injured…he’s hauled after scoring before the opposition even kick-off. On comes Benson (remember him?), the modern-day Phil Gridelet. Cost a fortune, full of promise, made of glass. He looked alright actually. Full of promise. He’ll be out for the season within a fortnight.

Onwards and upwards!

*** DKD. KDD. DDK. Anyway, him. It’s a photo finish between him and Cotter (and the FLP gave it to Cotter) but for having such an influential debut, I’m going with our new signing. What a player!
** Cotter. POTY. Who is this bloke? Will the real Barry Cotter please stand up (please stand up)? Well, he did in the first half, as he let a ball under his feet. I KNEW that was Barry. For a month I’d been thinking he’d been taken over by Josimar.
* Connell. Some great link-up play with DKD. WKD. ACDC. BBC.

Official MOTM: The new bloke.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Keilor-Dunn 2. Cotter 3. Craig

Despatches:
Taking into account the away contingent (and there never looked as many as 337 of them) there were less than 9,000 Reds fans there on Satdy. Given the figure includes ST holders who didn’t rock up, this is very worrying. Is it a direct result of the new Sky deal? Anyone with a new Sky box could have watched today’s game from the comfort of their sofa, despite the 3pm Satdy kick-off. (This had passed me by.) I wondered how Sky was going to get us on their screens 20 times this season, as per the agreement.

Surely this will result in a downward spiral in terms of attendances? Not just this season, but future seasons. Home matches being switched to Friday nite (Mansfield), Monday nite (Rovrum) and Satdy nite (Stockport) which some fans can’t get to. Matches shown on a Satdy afternoon when the weather turns (it turned today, from half 4 onwards Barnsley was covered in drizzle). We’ll have 7,000 season ticket holders next season, 6,000 the year after...oldies will start dying, there’ll be few New Kids on the Block, we’ll go down to 5,000...by which time the rest of us are thinking how miserable it is rattling around a barely 20% full Oakwell, we go down to 4,000...by which time the Sky deal is over, Oakwell is empty, there’s no TV money and The World Has Ended. But that’s me being optimistic.

*I’ve now seen the official attendance as 11,196, so 10,800 home fans. But that’s NOT what was said Satdy.

Regarding defensive misunderstandings between keeper and centre halves, we’ve now had 3 of these in a year (MdG and Roberts in a game last year, OG, MDG and Slonina at Lincoln, cleared off line). These should happen once every few years, so something’s not quite right. The head coach has changed too, so there’s no constant...or is there? Maybe it’s just one of those things that we’ve had a relative rash of them. Talking of centre halves though, I did enjoy one bloke’s comment on social media that MdG is unsteady in possession. It’s like he’s never SEEN Pines and Marc Roberts (and Earl). It comes to something when I can’t be bothered to argue with somebody…

Oh, and we’re now 3rd. Bottom of the table a month ago, at this rate we’ll be half way up the Premiership before Christmas and winning the Champions League by May. I can get used to this.

Drink du jour: Paulaner Weissbier (cans of) in Spiral City. Word from behind the bar is that Brewdog Wingman will be here for a while as they’ve given Spiral a terrific offer.

Away: 337. Really?

The Damage:
c. £8 petrol
= c. £8

BFC 2-1 Bristol Rovers, Saturday 13th January 2024

‘He’s a rapist. Nice kid though.’

I was chatting to a nameless Londontyke on Satdy. The omission of Luca Connell from our matchday squad started rumours amongst the chattering class that he was off to Huddersfield. (Why Huddersfield?) He was one of 3 players my colleague considered Championship class...'two of whom aren’t ours!’ I agreed. We have 3 players ready to make the step up, and 2 are on loan, Roberts and McAtee. The latter had a starring role on Satdy and was involved in most things good about our performance, whether floating around in a front 2 with Cole, or dropping back to a #10 role with Cosgrove introduced to finish the opposition off...which worked a treat, as Rovers equalised. Thankfully, the team recovered to run up the field and grab a winner through an inconsistent wingback. Fancy!

It was actually an open game, or at least the opening 45 was. Both sides looked to score and defences were pretty stretched at times. Our other loanee, Roberts, came to the rescue twice, saving one-on-ones, including an injury time effort after the Bury Baggio let the ball run needlessly under his foot. If their equaliser later (a blinding header) ‘doesn’t happen with this guy’ (new signing, 6ft 5 Donovan Pines), then that chance doesn’t happen if the manager picks Cadden at left wing back. (Out of interest, can anyone contradict my assertion that Cadden put in more crosses in 5 minutes than Styles did in 90?)

We’d also had chances of our own. Kane is free on the left and squares it instead of shooting; Shepherd (in for McCart) has a powerful header from a corner saved, and there’s an extraordinary scramble which somehow doesn’t end up with the ball in the back of the net. So it’s left to Goal King Cole to slide home after his initial header, a bullet into the top corner, is superbly saved. Unfortunately for the keeper, he pushes it onto the post and the ball rolls along the line. And had Cole not been there, a 2nd Red was there to finish (Phillips? McAtee?)

The second half wasn’t so bright, until coach Collins intervenes. He sends on Cosgrove and within minutes they’re level. Thankfully, it’s early enough for us to do something about it and we win it from a surprising source, Phillips playing in wingback O’Keefe on the overlap. And while everyone wonders which forward he’ll not pick out, he drills it into the far corner. Lovely. Are we top 2 yet?

Onwards and upwards!

*** McAtee. Lovely movement and vision.
** Roberts. Excellent saves and nothing much he could do about the goal.
* Cole. Good finish and some nice touches.

Official MOTM: McAtee

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. McAtee 2. Phillips 3. Cole

Despatches:
Good news! I won’t have to continue to be peed off at 12 million being wasted on that new bridge! Why? Cos it’s now costing THIRTEEN MILLION, with extra funding promised to ‘finish it off’. Give me a decent amount of explosive and I’LL finish it off.

Jon Russell. What’s he for? Stepped in for Connell, Satdy. Let’s hope it’s not permanent, Has there ever been a slower footballer? Not so much of a problem when he’s laying it off to others, but it is when he misplaces a pass and they are 10 yards behind him before he’s turned. Half a dozen others made careless passes in our half (a Cole backheel springs to mind) which turned into their best attacks. Mind, when Luke Thomas (is he still young?) is your greatest threat, you can rest easy. Still promised much and delivered little, before he was hauled. The more things change, the more they remain the same, etc.

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral City

Away: 512.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

BFC 1-0 Bristol Rovers, Saturday 27th October 2018

'THAT'S proper rivalry' (the Rwandan genocide)

Outside Oakwell, 3:15pm.

‘It’s like de ja vous all over again’ said one Shaka Hislop upon not gaining immediate entry to see the Super Reds for a second time, having forgotten his season ticket.  What a moron.  Why would anyone giving 2 weeks notice to the Oakwell box office expect to get in before anyone who rocks up on the day without their ST?  Let me explain…

(Once is misfortune, twice is carelessness)

https://geordiealsgroundhopperscrapbook.blogspot.com/2014/11/barnsley-1-2-scunthorpe-united.html

3 hours and 160 miles later, I'm heading to Oakwell...what can go wrong?

Here’s how it works:  You lose your ST a fortnight before the next home game.  You make the mistake of communicating this to Oakwell.  They tell you a new ST is waiting for you, but they’ll charge you a fiver (fair enough).  You rock up at 2:45 to join the queue (wondering why there’s so many there).  2:55pm, you are talking to a nice lady behind a screen.  You tell her your ST is waiting for you and she goes wandering.  She wanders further.  You stop watching, despite the wonderment that she has no idea where they keep replacement STs.  She appears your side of the counter (I forget why) and disappears back in the office, where your replacement ST appears.  ‘Sorry about that.’  ‘No worries.’ 

Is that us, playing in BLUE?

I am off and running (walking).  The game has kicked off, but whatthehell, it’s only division 3.  I walk down the hill to the East Stand, turning the corner to the lower tier turnstiles (past the halfway line: why?).  Even a couple of mins into the match, ALL lower tier turnstiles are closed.  Fine.  There is a beautiful looking upper tier turnstile open.  I guess all latecomers go through that. ‘Beep beep beep’. No, My replacement ticket is invalid.  Fine, division 3, etc.  I walk back to the ticket office.

Turnstiles.  Closed.

Ticket office closed.  Club shop closed.  Let’s try the main reception.  I tap on a window and receive a surprised look (WTF?  The match has kicked off.)  ‘My ST doesn’t work’ etc.  A little bit of magic and a ‘it works here’ and I’m off.  (I have by now told them what will happen next; I will walk halfway around the ground to find it doesn’t work and then have to come back again.)  I walk halfway around the ground to find it doesn’t work and then have to come back again.  (You’d think after all these years I’d get used to being right; I look upon it as a curse.)  By now I’m mildly irritated.  I point out that all the other folk in the ticket office at 2:55pm, who’d forgotten their season tickets, are NOT walking aimlessly around the outside of Oakwell; TOP TIP: don’t tell the bleeders 2 weeks in advance you’ve lost your ST; rock up on the day saying you’ve forgotten it and they’ll PRINT you a ticket for that day. A fortnight’s notice?  Forget it.

Turnstiles.  Closed.

So, I’m given my fiver back for the new ST wot doesn’t work (‘do you mind if I keep your ST?’  ‘Wot?  The one that doesn’t work?  Help yourself.’  A replacement ticket is handed to me (not for my seat, but one nearby,cos they can’t do one for my seat cos it’s…errrrr…..taken.  Go figure.)  So I get into Oakwell, at 15:33 and however many seconds, in time to see the Super Reds see off 3 consecutive attacks.  Is this what I’ve missed? Being outclasses by a(nother) side in or around the relegation zone?  Amazingly, no.  I look up at the scoreboard and it says we are winning 1-0.  Now, either Oakwell has the best soundproofing ever, or the crowd make FA noise.  I don’t believe we’ve scored and check t’internet on my phone.  We’ve scored. We are indeed winning 1-0 and apparently Mowatt has scored from outside the box to the top corner.  Now I know this can’t be true.  Even the World Wide Web is in on this conspiracy.  I have to laugh.

The away end...and scoreboard proclaiming 1-0.

Now it gets boring.  I have to describe what I DID see.  So….we cagily hold on to what we’ve got, missing not a lot, creating not a lot and conceding not a lot.  Luton, 2^nd half, without the goals.  I have 2 highlights.  We have a goalkick (we are into the 2^nd half now) and the linesman flags for offside. Nevermind Andy and Andy (and every other Reds fan) moaning every match that the officials are against us.  This one doesn’t even know the rules. (He puts his flag down; did the ref tell him?  Or is he a slow realiser?)  And talking of slow realisers….Mamadou Thiam. 

A. Londontyke is caught short outside the East Stand.

Possibly still our highest paid player, but most definitely the thickest.  We’re 2-on-1 and all he has to do is lay it across for Mike Barry to be clean through.  Instead, he kicks it 20 yards to run onto, and while the ball harmlessly goes to the keeper, a defender runs into him.  Half a dozen fans in the Ponty scream for a sending off (the ball is at the other end) while 5,000 people in the East Stand shrug and can’t even be ar5ed to berate Thiam for his Thiam-ness.  (Lads I play 5 aside with know; if I’m not shouting at you for your incompetence, this is a BAD sign.  It means I don’t think you can do any better.  Mamadou: I WANT to shout at you.  I really do.  But you’re a poor excuse for a footballer, which is why you’ve gone from barely commanding a place up front in division 2, to hanging onto a place on the bench, coming on as a winger, in division 3.)  Of course, he then cracks a 20 odd yarder off the bar from the resultant free kick, before hitting the rebound against someone and the second rebound into the crowd.  I make that 3 attempts off target in about 5 seconds, surely a record.  The vocal few will tell you what an incredible free kick it was and all else is forgotten*.)

Midfield action.

*Did I tell you about my bet with Nice Guy Chris?  After Luton, he offers me a tenner that Mamadou will hit at least 15 for the Super Reds this season (‘not including pens’).  I tell him I can’t take money like that from a pensioner and offer 13…to give him a sporting chance.  F***me.  I honestly look forward to everyone here rubbing my piggy little snout in it later this season when Mamadou hits his 3^rd hattrick (no chance).  He is RUBBISH.

The Reds take a corner in front of the Ponty.

*** Lindsay.  I don’t rate him, but me and Mr Twitter agreed today.  Won everything in the air, passed the ball to his teammates (unusual) and stopped a certain goal with a block.  Twitter MOTM.

** Mowatt.  Looked tidy.  Allegedly scored.

* Bahre.  Ran around.  That’s all it takes these days.

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Mowatt  2. Lindsay  3. Bahre

Despatches:

Davies only dropped one cross (but the ref gave a soft free kick in his favour anyway).  In news of other positions wot need strengthening, Pinnilos was underwhelming at left back.  Cavare was relatively anonymous (possibly a good thing) while Pinnock played it simple.  Moncur…well….let’s just say in the 10 mins I saw of the 1^st half he gave the ball away twice and got booked (correctly; sorry Andies) for a late challenge.  McGeehan…I’d love to defend him, but agree with Dave, he makes it hard for himself with his inability to control a ball…while Moore’s job appeared to be to stand in front of opposition free kicks, till one was kicked off him and he got booked (correctly, Andies).

The view from next to Diane.

Which brings me to a 3^rd highlight, nearly forgotten.  Small kid in front of me in the East Stand wonders to his dad why Hedges isn’t playing.  ‘He can do a job.’  Yes, he probably can.  But footballer isn’t one of them.

And a 4th.  Blimey, this game had more thrills than a Thrills' album.  I saw a bit of the game on a screen in the box office.  We were playing in dark blue, Rovers in sky blue.  I swear the pitch was still green.  Later, I saw the same in the East upper, and we were still in blue, so there was obviously a problem with the screens.  Or I'm still coming down from a trip c.1995.

Onwards and upwards!

Away: 400 and some.

The Damage:
£33 train
= £33

The Tunes:
She Hangs Brightly (Mazzy Star)
All Melody (Nils Frahm)
It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (Public Enemy)

East Stand upper panorama

Panorama from the Ponty (cheers Jonesy)

For those of you watching in black and white...Barnsley are playing in blue.

Another Bristol team doesn't bring very many.