Port Vale 0-0 BFC, Tuesday 14th April 2026

‘We love you Bradshaw we do...’

AT LAST! The run is over. We can rejoice in the streets. We can pump our fists like Henman. We can scream at the camera like a coke-fueled Maradona. After 26 goal-laden matches, we have finally, FINALLY achieved a shutout. Blue plaques all round for the keeper and back 4, forever to go down in Barnsley legend: Goodman, O’Keeffe, O’Connell, Roberts, Earl. That we failed to score (against the side bottom of the table) is neither here nor there.

I’d made a late decision to go to the game. Late enough for tickets to have gone offsale on the website, despite them being ‘digital only’. How does that work? Rocking up to the game on the nite (luckily, there was space…about 15,000 of them) I am now the proud possessor of an actual match ticket, at no extra cost. (Don’t get me started on the likes of Ticketmaster charging extra pounds for a ‘souvenir ticket.)

Usually on a Tuesday nite, I’ll go and see a non-league game with my mate Kev, a Darlo fan in Ashton-under-Lyne. I gave him a choice: Ashton Town v MSB Woolton (a game that was called off as we got there t’other week), Barnoldswick Town, or my leftfield option, Port Vale v Barnsley (‘£25’). He was remarkably keen to see the Super Reds, possibly in return for me seeing Darlo at the likes of Chorley and Curzon Ashton this season. Would he notice the gulf in class that I see?

I parked up in my usual street (I love Port Vale away) and we went into a micropub that wasn’t all that micro. I was undercover, of course. These are mean streets. Pootling to the ground after a quick pint, one noticed how many hostelries Burslem has. Loads. And even then, the one that’s closed and left to rack and ruin is the pub where Robbie Williams grew up.

We got in a few minutes before kick-off. A (lucky?) black cat scampered among the deserted seats of the corner stand, closed off. Bizarrely, in front, they’ve built a breezeblock enclosure for the groundsman’s tractor (no roof). Between this and a giant scoreboard in front of these seats, it looks like Port Vale have no plans to fill Vale Park imminently.

Team news: de Vagina (ho ho) was out, head injury from Satdy. Coach Conor replaces him with Roberts, who’s overtaken Shepherd in the pecking order by not playing. Captain Marvel is also out, The GOAT replacing him in centre mid. Meanwhile, Cleary is benched again. Either play him, or leave him at home and give him a rest.

It wasn’t a good game. Can you tell? I mused on what the opposite of ‘end to end’ was...when the game is played predominantly in that area inbetween the 2 boxes. ‘Box to box’ Kev said, helpfully. This is to give the game some semblance of action. Basically, each side took turns to get not very near the opposition goal before giving the ball away. The exception was a headed chance for erstwhile sniffer, Tom Bradshaw, who missed what looked like a great chance to head home at the far end. (Note: It WAS a great chance. Headed wide from 4 yards, on his own.)

My other favourite game was to ask Kev who our international is. He thought carefully, so carefully, I thought he’d forgotten the question. ‘I dunno, but the 22 looks alright.’ Patrick Kelly. Star man. Best player (IMHO). International. Thinking about the rest of the team, I don’t think I’ve ever disliked so many of our starting XI. I’ll hold my hands up, I really don’t like 5 of them, while it’s also fair to say I don’t rate 7 of them.

Second half was a little better. Maybe it was just the Super Reds were kicking our way. Kelly held a ball up and Yoganathan took it off his toes to burst into the box before being clipped. PENALTY! I’d put my house on Phillips scoring. I’m now homeless. Phillips puts it to the keeper’s right, but it’s far too close. I then realise the keeper is Joe Gauci, one of our merry-go-round of loan keepers in the few years. Did we get him from Villa? Is he still a Villa player? Or left to find his level?

You’d think this would hand the impetus to Vale, but Coach Conor sends on Luca (for The GOAT) and Cleary for Banks. Banks has had another decent game, but we take control with Cleary on the pitch and we start to get the ball in the box. Bradshaw flicks a header wide (good effort) before, in the last minute, he has a free header from a Yoganathan flick on. He’s 4 yards out, the keeper does a Schmeichal (the star jump keepers do in handball) and the ball hits him. A great chance to win it. It’s a good job we’ve nothing riding on this game.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kelly. Driving forward, keeping possession, laying it off.
** Cleary. Beat players, crossed balls...more dangerous in 20 than the rest of the team in 70.
* Roberts. Solid in defence.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kelly 2. Yoganathan 3. Cleary

Despatches:
217 away supporters (inc. Kev) is poor by any measure. Indeed, Darlington took more than this to Curzon Ashton the other Tuesday, but there’s a number of factors at play. First and foremost, the fanbase are depressed. The team is off form, there’s nothing to play for, it’s all the owner’s fault for crap signings (we’ll ignore Kelly and Cleary!) and the manager thinks we’re all fools for having a semblance of optimism for this season. I’ll gloss over the appeals (or lack thereof) of Burslem, but why spend good money coming to this when you can stay at home, in the snug, and either watch this on your own dodgy stream, or, more likely, a Champions League quarter final? Then there’s the fixture overload. We have 6 (SIX) away games in April. Also, the yoof weren’t there. Skool nite. For a side going nowhere. I dread to think how many will be at Stevenage, or Northampton, the next couple of Tuesdays. Probably 215.

Corners. I can’t I’m writing this, nevermind having seen it. When we now get a corner, one of the 2 players Coach Conor drags back to defend the halfway line is Vimal Yoganathan. He’s 6 foot 4, FFS. I get that he’s WEAK, but he’s TALL. You’d think if anybody has a chance of getting his head to a ball in a crowded penalty area, it’s the Sri Lankan giraffe. But Conor knows best. (Note: 9 corners, 0 goals).

In fact, looking at the stats, shots on target 1-4, off target 2-10, XG 0.58 v 1.96. This was a game we should have won.

Drink du jour: Vocation Crush Hour hazy pale ale at Johnny’s Micropub.

Away: 217 (4,863)

The Damage:
£25 ent
£1 fanzine
c.£25 petrol
= c.£51

BFC 0-2 Port Vale, Saturday 27th September 2026

‘A sausage roll please.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘No, a sausage roll.’ ‘A baguette?’ ‘NO. A SAUSAGE ROLL.’ ‘Oh, sorry, we’re out of buns.’

Has Coach Conor been found out? Is his squad just too limited? Is Plan B (throw on Farrugia at right wing) a deliberate f*** you to the board for providing him with NOTHING else. Cos it can’t be a tactic, surely. Even when he beats his man (down the right, remember) he’s still trying so desperately to get the ball on his left foot that the defender he’s left behind catches him up and puts the tackle in. Anyway, just one of a few exasperated wonderings I had on Satdy as I stared at the green rectangle below.

Conditions were perfect. Beautiful pitch, very little breeze, opposition just outside the relegation zone. Devante Cole their star player (on loan from West Brom’s bench). What could possibly go wrong? Inferior opposition ON A PLATE for our front 4 to rack up a score. They did. Nil.

We had ZERO efforts on target (notwithstanding a couple of blocked shots). McGoldrick, Phillips, Vickers, DKD...nuffing. DKD had a pair of shots blocked, but spent the game giving the ball away. This after Mr Jones senior advocated dropping him, pre-match. McGoldrick looks like the has-been he is. Looks good in possession, does all the right things, but lacks the pace to get by a player to have a shot off. Vickers runs around in (tiny) circles. He’d be in my all-time Reds 5aside team right there. Sadly, we play big man’s football at Oakwell. And Phillips. When he’s not being beyond anonymous, he’s punting it over the bar. (To steal a chant; ‘We forgot that you were here!’ Not even one of his quality trademark crosses (cos when we were in a position to cross the ball, we turned it down.))

That said, we should’ve been one up after 5 minutes, Earl putting a completely free header wide off Connell’s corner. All he had to do was head it straight. Oh. The most promising we looked was in the 5 minutes after Cleary came on. He ran and beat the opposition twice. The third time, their bloke simply blocked him off and gained a free kick. The defender had no interest in playing the ball. Can we please have ‘obstruction’ back as an offence. It’s ridiculous.

At least Cooper was having a good game. Caught everything that came in the box, good distribution (apart from an aberration much later, Shepherd rescuing him with the block) and a save from Devante, 1st half. As the ball was played through, in the air, Cooper came out and got a palm to Devante’s effort. Please don’t let HIM score. Anybody but him.

Second half, a pep talk from Conor and...it got worse. Only one team in it second half. I’ll narrow things down to the saves I remember. Cole breaks left side of goal, Cooper streaks out to smother. Vale are 3 on 2 (from our own pass) and Cole has it on the edge of the box on his own. Takes it early, Cooper dives low to his right. A double save off their big #10 after Shepherd stands and stares at a ball over the top.

Finally, the breakthrough. A throw-in, a flick on, and they’re CLEAN THROUGH. Whatthehell is Shepherd doing now? And how slow is Earl? Cooper narrows the angle, but the ball is played across for a tap-in. It’s been coming.

Conor makes his move. Cleary and Farrugia on for Vickers and DKD. Cleary out left, the old man shunted to centre forward, and Farrugia on the right. We have 4 minutes of dominance before reverting back to self. Russell is sent on to no effect and in jury time they bag the killer second. Connell has it nicked and they strive forward and bury it from 20+ yards into the corner. Once again, it is time to stay in my seat to beat the rush. It’s been awful. Our last effort, a 25 yard Earl effort over the bar neatly bookended his earlier miss. What’s going on when our limited centre half is the one with the efforts (vaguely) at goal?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cooper. Imagine the score without him. Denied Devante 3 times for a start.
** Bland. Tidy, and at least got a sprint on tracking back.
* Connell. Obviously, our play revolves around him so he gets a gazillion touches. Made one great crossfield pass. Saw him sprint once. Really needs to try and MAKE something happen, rather than be content to tippy-tappy it around the area between our box and the halfway line. Herbie Kane Mk II.

I’ve talked myself out of it.

* Cleary. For brightening the game for 3 minutes.

Official MOTM: Cooper

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cooper 2. Bland 3. Ogbeta

Despatches:
I went to the Oakwell Sandwich Shop pre-match for pie and peas. Ran out of peas AGAIN. I was not happy. I should’ve gone home there and then. Had to double back to the chippy near The Mount, at the risk of missing the kick-off. (A risk I was more than happy to take. Unfortunately, service was quick.)

Who was our worst player yesterday? Hot competition. I’d problies go DKD, though honourable mentions for everyone else save Cooper, Bland, Cleary and Yoganathan (who came on too late to make enough mistakes). At least twice we kicked simple square balls out of play. It was crap from front to back.

We have now conceded 10 goals without reply in 3 and a bit games. We have not had an effort on target in our last 2 league games, against sides near the bottom of the table (Blackpoo, Port Fail). We are knocking it around majestically without getting anywhere. Like the glory days of Darrell Clarke, or that Scottish bloke whose name escapes me, the one who put up with Herbie Kane slowing the game down all season...Neill Collins! Christ, we made Devante Cole look the best forward on the pitch. (But at least he didn’t score.)

Drink du jour: Beartown Inception at Spiral.

Away: 1,108 ‘Devante Cole...he left cos you’re sh*t.’ Fair play, I did laugh at that one. I’d have PAID to be rid of Devante.

The Damage:
c.£7 petrol
= c.£7

Port Vale 1-3 BFC, Saturday 2nd November 2024

‘F***in’ bag o’sh*te’ ‘They’re not that good.’

I should have asked for a note from their mums, the excuses I got when I asked who wanted to come to Port Vale. ‘I’m in Fuerteventura.’ ‘I’m going up to Leeds to see Nick Cave.’ ‘Not sure whether we are coming home Friday or Saturday.’ (Port Vale’s) ‘a violent sh*thole and every maniac in Barnsley will insist on going.’ ‘Al, I just don’t care for your company.’ Honestly, folk couldn’t wait to not go to Vale Park, one of my favourite away days. As a historian, I like stepping back into the past, and nothing says the past like a trip to Burslem. ‘Rough and ready’ as they say, though at least I snuck into a pub incognito pre match. Every other one said ‘HOME ONLY’ as Burslem devoutly stuck to its economically retarded principles.

Anyway, it’s becoming a lucky ground (for me). We’ve definitely won there the last 3 times I’ve been, perhaps the only 3 times I’ve been (plus once with Sunderland, back in the day). And to say we’ve played this bunch more than any other team (or second most, I forget) it seems to be that we barely play them. I think it’s to do with 50 years in the second division before we were born. But I love it. 3 stands that have never changed in half a century, save for some plastic seats slapped on them. A Main Stand in which they didn’t even bother putting most of the seats in for nigh on 20 years cos they didn’t need them. Even the fanzine seller reckoned that swapping the home and away ends allowed the (new) away end to be run down. How can you tell?

Another reason to come would be that it’s my last game for a while – I’m off to Australasia till Xmas. And if ever an away match will make you miss Old Blighty, surely it’s Port Vale!? I parked up (usual spot, a back street a couple of minutes away from the pubs on St. John’s Square) but only had time for a quick snifter. One problem with driving through the Peak District (Glossop, Buxton, Leek) is that when there’s roadworks, you’re stuck when there’s roadworks. At least there was a strategically placed Morrisons for all those urinary needs.

Got there in time for the obligatory Remembrance Day commemoration. The bugler made a better job than Shrewsbury, despite an early mishap. Then it was game on, and what a nothing half it was, despite the two goals. We went ahead when Roberts nipped in front of a defender, from a lovely deadball in from O’Keefe. For 15 minutes we then comfortable..till we didn’t. They put a ball in, we had mor than enough defenders there to deal with it and somehow it lands at the feet of the centre forward, who cuts back inside, sidestepping Kilip who’s raced on, and coolly sidefoots it into the empty net. (What I hadn’t seen in the ping-pong was that the Earl kicked the cross straight to their player.) Obviously, we were gutted enough, without scorer Ronan Curtis rushing over ‘shushing’ us. You’ll get yours, Curtis.

Aside from that, I remember Kilip making a decent save, but otherwise, nothing. And nothing continued into the second half, till, just before the hour, Coach Clarke hauls off Watters for Phillips. Whisper it, but I thought Watters was one of our better players, but from here on we roasted Vale. 5 minutes later we were ahead, as Phillips plays O’Keefe free down the right and his cross is swept in by DKD. (If Devante bothered to run past defenders to meet the ball, he’d have scored this goal 20 times last season.)

2-1 and it’s all us. Their goalscorer is dragged off, much to the amusement of the away end. ‘Curtis, Curtis, what’s the score’ was one of the more palatable chants and this continued for the rest of the match. It must have been quite the uncomfortable half hour or so on the bench for the lad. Unlucky. Though I did enjoy a blast of ‘der der der, football in a sh*thole’, a variation on the old ‘library’ chant. Oh, and their mascot is ‘just a sh*t Toby Tyke, sh*t Toby Tyke...’

Wave after wave of attack ensued as Port Vale couldn’t get out of their half, or indeed, get near the ball. O’Keefe and Phillips combined again before Russell curled a beautiful effort off the top of the bar. (He’s very good at hitting the woodwork.) Then, with 10 to play, Phillips plays the ball across goal and Humphreys is bundled over. The kind of penalty we didn’t get in the last minute of a home match the other week. This week (when we don’t need it) it’s given. After what seemed like forever, Phillips steps up and sends the keeper the wrong way.

Thereafter, the only side keeping the score down was us, as a couple of times we broke, outnumbered the Valiants…and took it to the corner flag, much to the chagrin of our support. ‘We want 4, we want 4’. Still, at least we were through. And at least it didn’t go to extra time. I had Strictly to get home to!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Game was going nowhere, he came on and we never looked back.
** O’Keefe. Got up the pitch to set up 2 goals.
* DKD. Some sublime touches and, of course, the goal that put us ahead.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. O'Keefe 3. DKD

Despatches:
After the match I ran the gauntlet back to the car with the Diss Branch of the Barnsley Supporters Club (Membership: 1) Following the away crowd, I went a different route to usual, meaning we didn’t merge with the Vale fans till nearly at the car. Then a voice behind me…‘How do you tell a Barnsley fan?’ I had to turn around. I’m not getting whacked in the back of the head by some Valiant clown, like someone we all know a few years back. ‘By the f***ing grin on their faces.’ A Vale fan with a sense of humour, as him and his mate waxed unlyrical about their side’s performance (and the referee’s). We agreed it was never a pen, though I thought their 2 appeals were very weak too.

Oh, and it took me 9 miles to get to Stoke railway station, which can’t be more than 4 miles walk. Have I said how much I hate Stoke? Signs that make little sense, roads closed off…Google satnav confused, telling me to turn off expressways over curbs. I DETEST this place. Being advised to go down a dead end street I’ve seen a 100 times on Homes Under the Hammer? Been there. And did I ever find the railway station? No, the street was closed off, so I ordered James out the car at the lights. I hate this place. Hate it.

The other players? Honestly, before Watters was hauled, I was struggling to think of contenders for the top 3. Watters had held it up well and chased and harried, but otherwise…nada. Kilip had made two saves, one a super diving effort, but the other one he palmed right into trouble, but luckily a defender cleaned up. Special mention to POTY Cotter though, dropped from the entire squad for not being able to prompt a side full of reserves to victory midweek against Donny in the Sherpa Van Papa Johnstones wotsit. Rumour has it there’s some poor attitude going on, as there would be when you’ve been senselessly dropped and forced to play with players who’re about to be sent on loan to Gainsborough Trinity (true). But O’Keefe and Phillips had an outstanding partnership once the latter came on.

Drink du jour: MBH Loco Juice. Drinkable, but wouldn’t have a 2nd.

Away: 525 (I think)

The Damage:
£15 ent
c.£30 petrol£1 fanzine
= £46