BFC 1-3 Oxford United, Saturday 19th August 2023

‘Shall we go in t’club shop an’ see what they dunt ‘ave?’

After watching the Super Reds lose at home twice in a week to 3rd division opponents, I’ve come to the conclusion I need to find another club to support. Having thought long and hard, I’d hit upon ‘Whoever plays Sheffield Wednesday’. I’d be 3 from 3 and staring the Premiership in the face. However, away games might become a little dull…Swillsborough every other week. Back to the drawing board...

Speaking of which, I hope Collins has one. A drawing board, that is. Maybe Little Lee left one of them behind, complete with arrows to ‘bomb alley’ etc. Cos right now, from front to back, we look hapless. Perhaps our players are big film fans, cos in 3 games at Oakwell we have re-dramatised The Good (Port Vale), The Bad (Posh) and The Ugly (Oxford). And knowing the films denouement, I don’t fancy how it ends for Liam (Kitching) Van Cleef. Labouring the spag bol analogy, it started with ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ (coach Duff leaving for Swansea), with ‘For a Few Dollars More’ (Luton signing Mads) sandwiched inbetween. Does this make Goal King Cole Clint Eastwood?*

*as an aside, I remember an article in the Chronicle from 30 odd years ago….some primary school in Barnsley had a roll including Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. Crazy times!

We woz rubbish yesterday. The highlight, undoubtedly, was the debut of our new (French) Messiah. Hopes had been high that this new Frenchie would be the replacement for Mads we’ve been looking for. He was hilarious. Gave a pen away after…what?...7 minutes? And with less than half an hour on the clock, carrying a yellow, he takes out their player somewhere near the touchline. Yellow card….therefore red…all day long. The ref takes pity. Is he dealing with a crazed madman, or Bambi on ice? Collins hooks him before he’s sent off. THAT is all you need to know about how bad he was. You’d have to be the Oakwell Historian to know the last time a debutant was pulled off before half-time on his debut. (Dave? Give me some names/debuts to remember.)

Praying the Frenchman and a returning Connell will be the universal panacea smacks of The Worst Season In Our History, as for months we were dangled the carrot of improvement when Mads and Carlton Morris would return to action. They did, and we didn’t (improve). I’m loathe to pin our entire season on Connell, cos right now, Jesus would have trouble saving this team. I’m just crossing my fingers this ‘mysterious illness’ of his isn’t mental, cos if he’s problems in that area, he ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

A casualty of his own publicity appears to be Liam Kitching. Being linked with a multi-million pound move to Coventry (has he BEEN to Coventry?) has obviously got to him, given his two performances this week. For their second, the winger just waltzed past him and Cadden (but mainly Kitching) before drilling it across goal where Jordan Williams turned it into his own goal. Fine, 0-2, but we’ve half a chance…till Kitching appears to trip over his own feet in possession and they’re clean through. A square ball...an empty net...and somehow their guy contrives to have his effort saved by a scampering Roberts. Within minutes, we’re back in the game.

It’s 70 minutes in when Cole pulls one back, 5 minutes after the manager hoicks Styles, Phillips and Dallas (Cotter having come on earlier for the Frenchman and Jordan Williams switching from RWB to be part of the central trio). Aside from chasing back a couple of times, and clearing a defensive header, Cole had been dreadful till now. I had no idea how he scored from a corner, but I’ve since looked at it a dozen times…..and I’ve still no idea how he scores. His head? His ear? His arm? Either way, suddenly he looks reborn. He’s millimetres away from Marsh’s crossshot. Perhaps if he’d ran in rather than trot, or rather, if he’d anticipated rather than reacted. But I can’t blame him. He’s not a footballer. Then he’s put clean through, and with the whole of the far side of the goal to aim for, he shoots straight at the keeper on his near post. Still, he’d ran a long way and was probably a teensy weensy bit weary.

Not that it cost us. Oh no. Not when we have comedy duo Lapata and Kitching combining to absolutely GIFT them their 3rd. I can’t remember the last time we gave away 3 such criminal goals. Was it Tuesday v Peterborough? Today’s performance was one of the worst in a long, long time and but for Roberts in goal, it could have been worse. I hear he’s on loan – I’d be sacking my agent if I was him.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Roberts. If only cos he’s the closest we had to faultless.
** Jordan Williams. Was running riot at RWB and steady enough in the middle, considering what he was with. Lost possession a couple of times. (It’s a low bar this week.)
* Cadden. Between him, Cotter and Williams, there were at least 10 crosses into that box, none of which were despatched by Cole, Dallas or Watters. AT LEAST 10.

Official MOTM: Lapata. Laughable.

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Roberts 2. Cole 3. Jordan Williams

Despatches:
The refurbished clubshop. Looks lovely. I’d liken it to a Benetton clothes shop (do they still exist?). Not an item out of place. And no wonder – at quarter to 3 on a matchday (peak Reds retail, surely?) there were precisely three customers. Outnumbered by staff, I’d hardly say halving the shop desk is an ‘improvement’. And I know, it doesn’t help that the new club shirt isn’t in yet, but, really, when the place is full of hoodies that even people who wear hoodies wouldn’t wear, Houston, we have a problem. An apologist for the club told me we’re one of 7 clubs ‘including Chelsea!’ who are having supply issues on their strips. I guess that means 85 other clubs HAVE managed to find a few Taiwanese orphans to sew a few polyester shirts together. It’s not good enough. But at least people far and wide (Reedy’s workmate at Transport for London) are talking about our new kit. But if I saw that kit on another team, I’D be talking about it too!

Right, now that rant’s out of the way, back to the players. Let’s get back to those centre halves. Yesterday and Tuesday was the first time I’ve properly looked at Lopata/Lapata. Who cares? Tuesday, I noted he was capable of heading a ball that goes straight to him (I mock, but that young lad from Guiseley that some of youse raved about couldn’t do it). Yesterday, aside from his assist for their 3rd, I saw him skinned early doors by a forward he ceded 5 yards on, while 2nd half, thinking he had all the time in the world, the same forward scampered from behind him and nicked the ball. I’m not saying he’s poor. I’m not saying the Frenchman is poor. And Kitching is definitely a decent player. But it makes no sense in getting rid of Jasper Moon (a fine season at this level for Burton) then replacing him with unknowns. At this rate, we’ll be forced to bring back Cundy (when fit).

The midfield? Where to start? Kane was appalling. At least Mowatt made little square passes on the halfway line. Kane is 20 yards behind that. And where Connell instinctively knows where the ball is going to break and goes and meets it (possibly crunching an opponent in the execution), Kane stands and watches and sees loose balls picked up by the opposition in our own half. In the pub, pre-match, the general consensus was that he shouldn’t have admitted earlier this week on social media that we need some better players. ‘WE can say that, HE can’t’ said A. Londontyke. Well, I was with Kane. It needs saying and it needs starting with HIM. If he’s back to the dirge he offered a couple of seasons ago, bin him. Or at least ‘rest’ him till his mate Connell is able to give him the protection he needs. Styles? It’s like having some shares wot were once worth a fair penny, but have plummeted so fast, you’ve missed your chance at cashing in and now are just hoping (hoping!) they’ll start going up again cos they’re becoming so worthless, you’d make a loss. Is it 1929 America? He scurries about, but if he didn’t have a shaggy mop top, would you notice him? I’ll tell you how bad it was (part I): Phillips looked alright! A welcome return for the bloke who never cost us the play off final, he definitely looked the Midfielder Most Likely To Do Summat. Yes, he tailed off in the 2nd half, but that was to be expected, opening game back and all. Welcome back Adam! (I mean it.)

Up front, I’ll tell you how bad it was (part II): Watters looked like a footballer when he came on and linked up well with Cole. I know, I know. It was brief, and I’m speaking to my doctor about it cos I’m worried I was having illusions. (I now have that song by Imagination in my head. And now, so do you...la la la la la la la...it’s just an illusion). Not that he threatened, mind, you, and in that respect he had a lot in common with Dallas, who, if you didn’t know better, looks like a non-league striker being given a chance at a higher level. Cole had a decent last 20, if you can forgive the misses (and I’ve seen how some of the Londontykes voted, so I know you have).

4 games in, we’re 3 points and 6 places behind a Port Vale team we beat 7 (seven) nil on the opening day in what must be the most anomalous result in football history.

Drink du jour: Verdant Sundialer pale ale in Spiral City. Gorgeous.

Away: 620. So they said.

The Damage:
c.£30 petrol
= c.£30

BFC 2-0 Oxford United, Saturday 22nd April 2023

‘It’s like a cricket match in here today.’

It was like an end of season game with nought to play for. Like what we used to have from February onwards in the days before the play-offs. This match will live short in the memory, a perfunctory two goal win against a side on the edge of the relegation zone. The truth is, we never really got going and were still far too much for Oxford, though I’m sure I heard their manager reckon they were the better side. Deluded.

Indeed, our manager had a bit of a go at our ‘fans’ afterwards, castigating some for having too much expectation. Wins are never easy, etc. The atmosphere was zero and I think the bench could hear the chuntering behind the dugout. Let’s hope the fans’ resignation at only making the play-offs is not contagious to the players. But fans are nothing if not greedy.

To highlight how forgettable this game was, I’ll share my most memorable moment. A clearance arched high towards the halfway line and sub Russell brought it down with a daintiness I’ve never even seen at Saddlers Wells (probably because I’ve never seen ballet at Saddler’s Wells, or, indeed, anywhere). It was an exquisite bit of skill in a nothing match.

Oh yes, we won two goals to zero, both notched by Tedic. What a difference it makes, making the run BEFORE the ball comes in, BEFORE everyone knows where it’s going. The opener, he allowed the ball to cut across his body to deflect in with his left, and the 2nd was a header. Coupled (Trebled?) with an earlier header superbly saved, he coulda been sitting on a hatrick. I’ve doubts about his all-round game, but with coaching, maybe there’s a footballer there yet.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Super Ted(ic). If the season started again, he’d be hitting 25+.
** Isted. Two super saves, one from a free kick at 0-0 and one late on.
* Phillips. We’re all about the twos this week. 2 sublime crosses from Phillips for the goals. Always liked him!

Official MOTM: Tedic

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Tedic 2. Phillips 3. Isted

Despatches:
Norwood looked hungry when he came on. Then again, I guess he always looks hungry, ho ho. And I’ve no doubt he would’ve added to our goals tally were he not partnered late on with that utter moron Watters. Twice we break 2 on 1 and twice Watters messes it up. Is there anything he can’t not do?

Drink du jour: A pale ale in Spiral City.

Away: 663

Today’s take home: Meh.

The Damage:
c. £30 petrol
= £30

Oxford United 2-2 BFC, Tuesday 29th January 2019

‘He’s a Poundland Andy Carroll.’

The view from the car park.

I thought I’d give it a week.  Y’know, to calm down and all.  But I have have had it up to here (raises hand very high) with that keeper of ours.  At Oxford he made not one, not two, but three classic Davies errors as we all saw what an ‘all-rounder’ he is. Chuck in some s*** kicking (well, he is a bit of a sh*tkicker) and we have the bloke who is about to break the record for number of clean sheets in a Barnsley shirt.  Go figure.  (I’ll figure it; 2 division 3 promotions – here’s hoping – and a period, a long long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away, when he was half decent.)

Anyone remember Meccano?

Major error #1 comes off a corner.  A ball arcs to the back post and Davies watches..nay, GAWPS…as their forward moves 4 yards to head the ball in from 2, while a statuesque Adam couldn’t move one yard (stretching his arm out gives him another yard). Is it this zonal defence we’ve heard so much about? Cos that might explain Davies’ unwillingness to ever move off his line for corners.  Yes, so Cavare didn’t do great with the first header, but that ball which looped back was in the air forever.  We were side on to it and saw the whole thing. Pre-corner, Ollie said ‘You watch, Al, Davies will pluck this.’  10 seconds later, the same moustachioed gentleman leant forward: ‘You were right, Al.’  (We’d had a conversation all about Davies in the car.)

A sparse home end.

Let’s be blunt, it was no more than Oxford deserved as we’d pretty much been garbage till this point, save for a cleverly worked free kick where we pulled it back for someone (Mowatt?) to scuff it to their keeper.  We thought it was Mowatt, cos it was the finish of a left footed player on his right foot, but that wouldn’t make sense, would it, playing the ball onto Mowatt’s RIGHT foot? But it would have been in keeping with the performance thus far.

Then a ball down their right.  The defence are chasing back, no danger yet…but who’s this careering 25 yards out of his goal? Why it’s Captain Calamity.  Who has NO CHANCE of getting to that ball first, so, as their striker lifts the ball over him, he turns and watches, nay GAWPS (like the rest of us; we all were on this one) as the ball floats towards goal. Is it going in? Going wide? It hits the bar.  A stock-still Davies suddenly gets the run on and hounds it back to goal while their player chases the rebound. Davies is back on his line to make the save (a point those watching on telly at home have made).  But what galls was the way he just stood and stared until the ball hit the bar.  Davies would have been first to that rebound if he’d chased back straightaway.

Pointless building a 4th side, I guess.

We scrape in at half time.  We’ll make changes, come back stronger and wake the hell up.  What happens is we continue as we were for another 25 minutes.  Oxford go two up with an absolute gift.  A hoofed clearance lands midway in our half and as Lindsay chases back, the obvious thing is to head it to the keeper.  Only Davies has hared it out again and by the time the ball comes down for Lindsay, he’s possibly too close to head it; get it slightly wrong and the ball would be past Davies for a tap-in to them.  So he attempts to shield the ball back to Davies, and somehow…somehow…their guy wraps his leg around, gets a nick and runs in to lay it into an empty net.  Our only hope is the ref gives a foul, but really, no-one is complaining (at the ref).  We see it for what it is: an absolute balls-up between keeper and centre half.  Replays show the ball to be in the box when their bloke nicks it.  Davies looks distraught.  Good.

Thereafter, Davies pulls out save after save, in particular from headers at corners.  He’s not helped by Pinnock and Lindsay, who haven’t won a header all night.  Are their blokes just TALLER?  They don’t look it.  All I can think of is this zonal marking, where their players get a run on for the jump, while ours have a standing start (see also: Luton away).  Whisper it, but Davies KEEPS US IN IT.  But it’s no use ‘keeping us in it’ when you've gifted them two goals.  We are never going to score.

The Main Stand.  Population: sparse.

Then it happens: a give and go from Brown, a low cross, a Thiam tap-in.  Where’s this quality been hiding all night?  Thiam is instantly hauled off.  That’ll teach him. The fans have woken up again and we really go at Oxford now.  20 minutes to get an equaliser and with 11 to go, Kiefer delivers.  Brown is running down the left, Kiefer is pointing where he wants it and Brown puts it on a plate. Great finish though.  The unthinkable could be on – we could win this game.  Oxford look dead on their feet, we continue to press, but we only come close once, Brown cutting inside from the left, curling one in and the keeper making a super save.  I forget who said they’d have had Brown’s babies had he bagged.  Probably all of us.

So, a draw, and as we left, it was mainly a sense of relief rather than disappointment.  We’d got away with one.  This could…should…have been a Wycombe or Shrewsbury.  Instead, it’s a point towards promotion. You can’t win ‘em all.  Not with this keeper.

In a word: goalkeeper

Onwards and upwards!

*** Brown.  Brad Potts R.I.P.  The King is dead.  Long live Browny! 
** Williams.  He may be slow, but he’s definitely improving.
* Kiefer.  For the finish.

Londontykes' MOTM:  1. Brown  2. Ben Williams  3. Moore

A sheepish goalkeeper faces the travelling hordes...

Despatches:

I knew that pre-match music was a bad omen: Republica’s ‘Let’s Get Ready To Go’ a la Sunderland (lost).  

Those Londontykes came from far and wide tonite.  Including a car full from Kentish Town (cheers, Dave).  Mind, Lord S wasn’t happy when Ollie unleashed a bag full of craft beer in the back.  Very nice it was too, wish I could name-check it.  Still, Dave should try driving around France with everyone else smoking ganja and a crate of booze on the backseat, if he wants to know ‘annoying’.  Chill, man.  But it was good to see Stu (his local game), Milton Keynes finest…Kev had made it from Way Out East…did I see Jim Armitage?  The S.H.I.T.S. had made it up from Hampshire (though the Naval One needs his eyes rubbing, giving Davies a mark) and Nozzer had been given a lift from that there Barnsley.  Shame child issues had prevented Wadd from making it, our 1^st ever visit to the three-sided middle-of-nowhere shed that is the Kassam Stadium.  How we’d have got back without a lift I know not.  A horrid, horrid, ground.  One nice / strange touch tho: Oxfrod produce a home AND away programme! (Well, home and away front cover – I did wonder why the programme had a picture of Alex Mowatt in a REDS’ shirt on the front.)  Still, it marks a remarkable turnaround for our current star player; last year he was on loan at Oxford, warming their bench.

Drink du jour: A couple of crafties behind a narked driver.

Away: 657.  Like Pompey's infamous 'crew'.About the only area of the ground with a crowd. 

The Damage:
£24 ent
£15 car hire/petrol
= £39

The Tunes:
Thinking About Myself  (Cosmic Baby)