‘Plod in riot gear? For Mansfield at home? Really?’Shambles. Shambolic. Set of clowns. Moronic. Dumb beyond belief. An absolute sh*tshow. Well, there’s the synopsis. No need to read more.
I’d love to say I’m not angry, I’m disappointed. But I’m not. I’m absolutely fuming. Fuming with our defence. Fuming with Coach Conor. Fuming with Connell and his identically crap corner deliveries. Fuming at leaving my nice warm house. Fuming at the lack of a public transport system on Boxing Day so Nice Guy Chris gets out of watching this comedy. Still, in a Christmas of endless repeats of Morecambe and Wise, Two Ronnies, Mrs Brown’s Boys (more fumination)...it’s the Super Reds who provide the most mirth of the festive period.
The headline figure is we tossed away a two goal lead to lose 3-2. But it’s worse than that. Mansfield haven’t scored in over a month and are challenging the relegation spots. In 2 successive games we’ve conceded a total of 6 goals to two of the worst teams in the division. (Let’s not forget, bottom of the table Port Vale played us off the park at Oakwell the other week.) Our defensive organisation is beyond awful. Aren’t players and systems meant to improve the more you play them?
This week’s mentalists are Cooper in goal, as ever. And, as ever, he fails to make a difference. Howthehell did he keep 20 clean sheets last season for Stevenage? (The clue might be in looking at where Stevenage are now; maybe it had nothing to do with Cooper and they weren’t bothered in losing him.) My patience has snapped. I’ve been willing to grant him some leeway behind THAT back 4...but enough’s enough. He runs out of goal and makes the odd block, but that’s about it.
Right back is Bland, who, by all accounts, is the GOAT of defensive midfielders. (Mind, he was the GOAT of fullbacks before he was switched to midfield. Keir Starmer needs to employ Bland’s PR ppl, cos I don’t see it.) He ended the game trying to be an attacking central midfielder, while star man Kelly was shunted out wide. Insane. But let’s not digress into Coach Conor’s bewildering tictacs yet. The previously reliable Watson sits on the bench.
This week’s left back of choice is Josh Earl, who’s never previously let us down at full back. Sorry, I mean, ‘has never previously NOT let us down at fullback’. He actually had a good first half, before resorting to type in the collapse. (The equaliser comes from a backpost header...on his backpost.) Where’s Ogbeta? Shingles, allegedly. Where’s Gent? Knackered after his return from months out a fortnite ago? What? Despite being interviewed on Radio Sheff afterwards mouthing off about ‘never having been fitter’? (Don’t get me wrong, Gent isn’t good enough either.)
Then the centre halves. The centre halves. The f***ing centre halves. I’m going bold here. Our centre halves are the worst I’ve seen in 46 years of supporting this club. Even in rubbish seasons (the last Championship relegation?) we still had a Mads Andersen. We’ve ALWAYS had at least one half decent centre half. Always. McCarthy, Futcher, May, Tiler, De Zeeuw, Morgan, Mawson, Lindsay, Helik...et bloody cetera. Jesus, even Paul McGugan was better than anything we have right now.
My friend Diane asks if Shepherd ‘is the one who used to be a kitchen fitter’. I dunno, but I guess you’d need another trade as a 19 year old footballer for Pontefract Collieries. Listen, all he needs is a bit of time, bit more experience. And maybe, just maybe, in two years time he’ll be able to fit a sink. Cos he’ll never be a footballer as long as I’ve got an ar5ehole. (Apologies, family readers, I’m vexed.) That winning goal, the way their player took the ball 6 yards away from Shepherd with his 1st touch...a player who’s knocking about for relegation candidates. It’s beyond embarrassing.
Then there’s his sidekick, Marc Roberts. You can imagine how pleased I was to see the former ‘Reds legend’ back from injury. (In fact, add ‘Roberts Mk. I’ to that list of half decent centre halves.) Never the paciest, at least he’ll add some experience and organisation to that backline. PMSL. The bloke can barely stand up without falling over. Though I presume he taught Shepherd everything he knows about controlling a football and passing it. (As an aside, do you know what their favourite board game is this Christmas? ‘Risk.’ Geddit!? Cos every time they try to control it, try to pass a ball, it looks like an accident waiting to happen.) The one central defender who can control it, MdG, is sat on the bench. (He’s also gone backwards, but he’s the best of a bad bunch, especially if…like Coach Conor…you want to be playing it out from the back.)
Mind, you’d think the hapless back 4 would have some protection, given we’re playing not one, but TWO defensive midfielders. This week it’s Connell and...Yoganathan. WTF? Who thinks playing Yoganathan at defensive midfield is a good idea? Problies the same bloke who thinks ordering Phillips to stay put on the halfway line is clever. And for a player who’s constantly running back, making tackles/obstructing opposition players when they knock the ball past him (cos Connell is very good at that), how comes our defence always look under pressure when the opposition have the ball? Could it be that Luca’s not good enough either? (I also read last week that he has a paltry amount of assists over 3 and a half seasons....something like 16....which is incredible when he hogs all the corners and freekicks too.)
Even the attacking 4 weren’t faultless. Had DKD dummied it, or played the ball on instead of bobbling a shot to their keeper, Vickers woulda been through. Cleary twice cut inside to glorious positions...and curled shots immaculately wide. Vickers one effort at scoring a goal involved controlling Kelly’s rebound and launching it into the Ponty. We shoulda nailed Mansfield. Maybe add a stag’s head to the wall at Oakwell Mansions.
Kelly meanwhile....I won’t have a word said against him. Drove forward, helped create our two goals, found Reds players. Honestly, I thought he held out very well against the Mansfield XI. It’s difficult playing a side on your own.
We were one up inside 2 minutes. Kelly drives forward and plays Cleary in on the left. His pace takes him clean through and he crashes it through the legs of former Reds haplessee Liam Roberts in goal. 10 or so minutes later it’s two, a sublime move involving Kelly finding Vickers, who slips it to DKD to swivel and send his 20 yarder into the far corner. We are cookin’.
Cooking on calorgas, in a wet field, miles from anywhere. Without any gas. Cleary blocks a cross with his arm and it’s a penalty, so clear I could see it 60 yards away. 2-1. Cooper gets a good chunk of the ball yet somehow fails to keep it out. It seems harsh calling someone useless for failing to save a penalty, so I will. He’s useless. We survive another penalty shout as their forward nips in with Cooper sliding and is taken out. A penalty, for me (and for P. Waddington, who was much closer to the incident). The clue was in the reaction of the Ponty. Normally, they all go nuts when they spot a dive. This time, most held their breath and waited. We got away with one.
Half-time comes and surely a chance for Coach Conor to tell the players to be really really rubbish (cos that’s what he normally tells them at half-time). Mansfield are level on 58. A dink to their right wing sees Earl lose his man. That said, the header across our goal is PERFECT, inbetween keeper and centre halves. Their bloke makes it his while Shepherd, Roberts and Bland run around like keystone cops. Cooper and Roberts manage to get hurt in a collision, but sadly not hurty enough to go off.
Coach Conor’s answer? Phillips and Teacher’s Pet Farrugia on for Yoganathan and Vickers. Howthehell is Farrugia allowed to set foot in their half, while Phillips hangs back? Is it cos he is Oirish? Is he banging Conor’s sister? (Again, apologies family readers.) He’s not quite as poor a footballer as Shepherd, but Christ, he tries.
And Mansfield go on to get the winner, yet another comedy concede. (Can someone ‘on socials’ please put together a top 10 of appalling goals we’ve conceded this season? Cos this is another belter.) The ball comes into our box and one touch from a 3rd division centre forward puts him 6 yards clear of Shepherd, still wondering what he’s doing on an Oakwell pitch. The subsequent shot is decently saved, but the rebound pops out nicely for A. Stag to sidefoot home inbetween Roberts and Bland. And what IS the latter doing, dangling a leg in the air while turning his back on the ball? The can-can? Auditioning to be a ballerina? As for Roberts, I thought the former captain was a ‘body on the line’ sort of player, but he makes no effort to block it. This entire back 4 (5?) need replacing.
Oh, did I mention Cleary was injured by now? Yes, he’s been struggling for 5 mins or more, and couldn’t even chase down a promising ball down our left. But, a la Stockport away, Coach Conor leaves him on. WHY????? He finally hauls him once they’ve bagged, along with Bland (who’s been trying to play as some sort of attacking midfielder since Phillips has come on, the latter being the right side of a back 3 at one point). I can’t help it, but I’m actually chuckling as I remember this. Phillips playing right hand side of a back 3. Tell me that isn’t funny.
The final bit of comedy belongs to the triumverate of Connell, Shepherd and Roberts (with back up from Cooper). There’s 30 seconds left of injury time to play and these morons are trying (failing) to knock it around at the back under pressure from ONE Mansfield Town player. The ref blows and the boos rain down. I asked Santa for 5 goals for Xmas and he delivered.
Onwards and upwards!
*** Kelly. In a league of his own. How much can we get for him in January?
** Cleary. Gives a penalty away and misses two good chances. And, yet, he’s still our second best player. How much can we get for him in January?
* DKD. Another excellent finish and some good interlinking play. How much can we get for him in January?
Official MOTM: Kelly
Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kelly 2. Cleary 3. DKD
Despatches:Years from now, when this game’s long forgotten, I hope you remember where you were the moment Josh Earl turned into Lionel Messi. Earl receives the ball, marauds (jogs) forward, an opposition player races across, launches into the tackle...and Earl pulls the ball back, lets the player slide right past him, then continues on with his jog. What a player.
Oh, ***research alert*** we’re that bad that Port Vale haven’t won a league game since they beat us (4 draws, 7 defeats) while Rovrum have won 1 in 9 since becoming the first Millers to win at Oakwell in anybody’s lifetime but Farnham and Nice Guy Chris. THAT is how bad we are. I wish we were more like Mae West. ‘When I’m good, I’m very good...but when I’m bad, I’m better.’ But I don’t think she was talking about playing centre half for Barnsley.
Yet...and yet...I wouldn’t get rid of Conor yet. For all the trials and tribulations of watching us try to defend, the attacking side of our game is the best it’s been for years. No, I would not swap what’s happening now for the dirge of Clarke, Supply Teacher Devaney, or Collins. At least there appears to be a plan going forward. And maybe, just maybe, we’d have a better defence if it didn’t include Shepherd, Roberts or Earl, let alone all 3 of them.
Drink du jour: Verdant Lightbulb at Spiral.
Away: 2,235 (12,856). ‘Two nil up and you f***ed it up.’ Indeed.
The Damage:c.£7 petrol
£31.50 vintage shirt
£4 programme
= c.£42.50
