BFC 1-1 Fulham, Saturday 12th March 2022

‘Palmer. That f***er can’t even f***ing stand up, the f***er.’

Is there anything better than watching your favourite player score an equaliser late in a crucial game? Why, yes, YES THERE IS – seeing your least favourite players combine to help gift the opposition an equaliser in a game we seemed destined to win against the odds. Go Palmer! Go Benson! No, seriously, IN THE NAME OF GOD, GO! Coach Asbaghi must have read my last report, bemoaning how I missed being angry for 90 minutes watching this pair of unmentionables strut their stuff on the hallowed Oakwell turf. So with 10 minutes left, ‘just for sh*ts and giggles’ Asbaghi said later*, he put Benson on to join his mate (subbed on after 68) to see the game out against a Fulham side who’d barely threatened Collins all day. You know what happens next…

*not really. But if I put this onto the world wide web, I s’pose I’d better cover myself.

A ball drops in midfield and Cheech and Chong, up against 2 opponents, somehow find themselves the wrong side of the ball. We are now wide open, a pass to their right sees multi-million pounds signing Harry Wilson cut inside and do the inevitable, the inevitable being watching a super talented left-footed player curl a beautiful finish into the far top corner from 20 yards. Resistance broken, Wilson later went on to miss one of the easiest chances I’ve ever seen, heading wide under no pressure with an open goal. So, small mercies for the point.

Rewinding slightly though...if I’m not going to blame Palmer and Benson, or Asbaghi, the fault for Fulham’s equaliser lay with another recent target for blame…Callum Brittain. If he’d been where he should have been in the first half, as we looked to break, Matty Wolfe wouldn’t have been caught in possession, leading to a yellow for scything down his opponent. Wolfe gains possession, looks wide for Brittain….who’s 20 yards behind him, more worried about his opponent though we have the ball. Without that yellow, there’s no way Palmer comes on after 68…is there? Of course, that doesn’t explain why Asbaghi has put Benson on for Bassi. Except that he found putting Cole on for Bassi (midweek) leads to an equaliser for the opposition. Listen, Bassi might have been TIRED, but he’s also CLEVER. Cleverer than anything else in a red shirt. He’ll give Fulham something to think about, beyond ‘BRILLIANT! Barnsley have given up! They’ve sent on a centre midfield who have consistently, and without fail, failed this season.' The slowest, least creative, least physical, least anything, we could possibly put on that pitch. How bad must Hondermarck be? Despite a couple of promising cameos, he’s still passed over for this pair of pr*cks.

Sorry, I was meant to be POSITIVE. We were great. We really were. Fulham, top of the league and with players that cost more than our entire team, struggled to gain any momentum. And we didn’t sit back. No, we pressed high, won the ball, and invariably found our own players (till Palmer came on, blah blah). And we took the lead, as Morris outmuscled a defender (Tosin?) and powered his way into the box for a penalty. It looked iffy at the time. Were his legs taken? Was he pulled back (he certainly was outside the box)? No, he’d simply slipped. No matter. A very generous ref, having taken oodles of time to think about it, pointed to the spot. 1-0, as Morris blasts it in. This is the 44th minute, and yet we still had time to nearly score a second, as Morris chests a ball too far, but lifts it over the keeper….towards the net….but cleared off the line. A superb effort from Morris, though I couldn’t help but think if he’d left it, Vita was in a better position.

Second half…it was more of the same, wasn’t it? Helik winning everything against Mitrovic, Gomes cleaning up in midfield, and Vita scampering about annoying anything and everything. (Think of a midgety Chris Dagnall. Or indeed, Chris Dagnall.) We couldn’t even rely on time-wasting, either, as the ref booked Morris for sprinting 20 yards to prevent a quick free kick. I know, I know, this is a pet peeve, but I applaud any ref who clamps down on this ‘game management’. If only refs knew they’re allowed to pull up OPPOSITION players for this, too. Mind, he was kept busy enough with Fulham’s continual attempts to take free kicks from the incorrect place, trying to steal yards here, there and everywhere. If you do this with a throw-in, (in theory) possession is ceded. But in the world of free kicks, Fulham just get to take it from the proper place.

Then Palmer came on. Then Benson came on. Then we got relegated.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Helik. Tonight, Matthew, I’ll keep the Championship record goalscorer quiet. And clear 2 off the line / as near as makes no difference.
** Andersen. Why not? Centre halves come in partnerships, and these two make a great partnership. Come see them while you can!
* Gomes. I thought he was tremendous, especially 1st half. The unsung cog in our bargain bicycle chain.

Official MOTM: Vita. Obviously made an impression running around out of position.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Helik 2. Andersen 3. Vita

Despatches:
I made someone laugh on Satdy. I know – imagine! I was leaving Oakwell and just chatting to a face I know. ‘Oh yes’ I said, ‘I nearly forgot….my dad died this week.’ A bloke alongside chortled nervously, his mind blown. But that’s the power of football. The power of Romal Palmer. It can take your mind off some of the other things in life, like life.

I’m not a vindictive person (yes I am) but that Palmer bloke needs to start worrying about life too, his contract’s up in the summer. The biggest smile I saw all day was from Jonesy when I told him this news in the pub, post-match. It’s nice to be the bearer of good tidings. (What’s the odds we give him a new contract?)

Pre-subs, Asbaghi’s tictacs seemed spot on, albeit with Vita playing up front, wide right, in a 4-2-3-1. Only Barnsley FC can take not one, but two, left sided defenders and turn them into right sided attackers. Anyway, Vita was a pest, even if he had little chance to prove his attacking ability. Wolfe again gave us some steel in midfield. Christ, he can even run with the ball, as he did on one occasion, 30 yards. I’m bored now making comparisons to his predecessors. Quina continued to threaten, and continued to hog the ball in promising positions. But he certainly presents a promise few, if any others, do. Morris battled, and deserved his reward. He’ll be a real asset in division 3. (I say this without irony.)

Oh, and no wonder we’re fighting relegation. In an interview in the programme, Adeboyejo tells us the best player he’s ever played with plays for 4th tier Leyton Orient!

Drink du jour: IPA in Spiral City. Cheers whoever got me one in.

Away: 1,074. Massive club.

Number of league games since the Super Reds went on to win a game having conceded an equaliser: 47. Another game is gone once the opposition equalise.

The Damage:
c. £35 petrol
£3 programme
£12 hat
= c. £50

The Tunes:
BBC5live

BFC 1-3 Fulham, Saturday 27th January 2018

Patrick Cryne, R.I.P.

Wow.  What a game.  Up against the most formist form team of the division, we put up a fight.  We took the game to them.  We were the better team.  We were winning (1-0).  And then…and then….Dimitri Cavare (is that REALLY his 1^st name?) runs 6 yards to shove over a Cottager.  No need, no excuse.  I don’t care he’s disgruntled cos of his earlier yellow.  About the only thing the ref got wrong here was in not giving him a straight red.  What an imbecile.  And nevermind that shoving a Fulham player in the back results in a clutching of the face.  Dimitri – if you’re gonna get sent off, tw*t the f***er in the mush, not some cowardly shove from behind.  Anyway thanks, you cost us.

Hit the road, Jack (Cavare).

Things had been going so well too.  A lovely one-touch move down the left ended with Moncur having a shot blocked – by Kiefer Moore.  Fulham weren’t at the races.  Obviously it was destined to be emotional, Patrick’s death this week and all (a minute’s silence pre-match).  But our players were hungry for it.  Fulham shrunk.  They just didn’t look up for it, aside from the diving and cheating.  These Premiership wannabees eh?  I particularly enjoyed one, as the ref blew his whistle and brandished a card.  FINALLY, a ref in this division willing to stand up to it. Oh, hang on, he’s given Fulham the free kick.  The booking was for Cavare.  (If I was him, I’d be very very cross indeed and probably do something stupid later on.)  It was equally bizarre because the incident was in our penalty area.  

Flags out for Patrick.  Be proud, Patrick.

Still, we only had a couple of minutes with 10 men before half time and we were winning, Lindsay popping in the rebound from a corner after the keeper saved with his legs.  Said keeper then ran 40 yards to remonstrate with the ref and be cautioned.  I didn’t think there was anything in it myself (I wouldn’t, would I?) as a Reds player in the box simply didn’t move out of the way.  Since when is it an offence to stand still in the box?

900 and odd Fulham.  Most must have arrived later.

I made a beeline for downstairs at half time.  (Without my dad, who’s had enough of coming ‘till we start winning’, I’m doing a tour of the ground; this week, upstairs and a fine view 1^st half; downstairs and Slacki’s company 2^nd.)  I wanted Slacki’s opinion on what we were seeing.  Slacki had spotted an investment opportunity while on the train up: the Super Reds were 3/1 to win a home game. Odds he simply couldn’t turn down.  We told him not to, but 43 minutes in he was looking very much the sage.  (Let’s ignore the fact that we barely win 1/3 of our home games whether we’re playing crack outfits like Fulham or not).  Anyway, as I said, up until Cavare’s sending off, we were very much in the ascendancy.

The view from the upper tier.

Course, the 2^nd half was a different proposition.  Would we…could we…last?  With 60 seconds gone, I told Ian ‘only 44 minutes to go’. I considered doing this for every minute we lasted out, but decided this might be irritating.  We last 4, which were about the number of defenders who failed to stop their right winger from cutting in, before a shot off the post was knocked in.  Like Julian Clary, a bit of a bummer.  Still, only another 40 minutes for the draw….

The view from pitchside.

And actually, we looked pretty comfortable after that.  Pinnilos had already come on at left back for Bradshaw to strengthen the defence, but bringing on Hedges and Thiam for Hammill and a knackered Moore suggested we were going for it.  Hedges broke from the halfway line, beat 3 players and banged in a 20 odd yarder which the keeper did well to fist away.  Then, I did that thing which always results in the opposition bagging: I started thinking ‘we could get a point here’.  Injury time loomed.  Fulham looked nothing.  Then a right wing cross and a player headed it down at the back stick and it bounced high over Davies, who’d come toward it.  Davies fists it up, then has another go as it comes down again, before someone or other bundles the ball over the line.  In real time, I thought he was unlucky.  Having seen it again on telly, we need a new keeper.  Why’s he fisting it in the air when he could simply tip it over the bar?  Probably cos he’s not very good.  Then, in further injury time, Fulham win the ball when a player climbs all over ours right in front of the ref, they break upfield and superior numbers end with a tap-in.  Double bummer.

It was one of those days. We’d lost, but everyone felt a lot more optimistic about our chances of staying up.  It’s certainly the best we’ve played since Brum at home over 2 months ago.  Now, if only f***ing Cavare…

Onwards and upwards!

Lighting up the Ponty for Patrick.

*** Pearson.  Cleared, blocked.  Outstanding at centre half, especially 1^st half.

** Lindsay.  Cracking game, and scored.  Twitter MOTM (I think).

* Moore.  Gardner.  Looks a different player as defensive mid.

Despatches:
Surely the time has come to buy a new keeper.  I’ve had enough of defending Davies. With his shot stopping now…shot…his inability to command the area…his inconsistent (tho improved) kicking…we at least need someone who can push him in the 1^st team.  Not Townsend, then.  Yiadom looked excellent again, while Moncur busied himself about.  Mallan, I’m not so sure about.  Early days, but has taken over Williams’ role as bloke most likely to give the ball away in his own half.  Also had a tendency to hit the 1^st man on corners.  Hammill worked hard, and only had one lunge at their bloke. Moore looked very promising and it surprised some he was taken off, but he looked spent.  Bradshaw….well, let’s say he was the unlucky recipient of Cavare’s red, being hauled off at half time. At least he now knows he’s no longer number 1 in our frontal pecking order.

Oh, and bad news for The Captain, who found out that the Reds were due to play Hull on FA Cup 5^th round day.  Cue fingers crossed…but Hull winning anyway.  Still, maybe they’ll get a home draw???

Away: c900.  About twice what we expected of Fulham, and about half what they ought to bring, given their home crowds, league position, expectancy, etc

Drink du jour: Vodka and orange.  After a few recent half-hearted efforts, Reedy and myself were back on form, polishing off a whole bottle.  Which gave us the appetite for a beer in the Parcel Yard.

The Damage:
£23.80 train
£3 prog
= £26.80

The Tunes:

50,000 Fall Fans Can’t Be Wrong (The Fall). Mark Smith, R.I.P.
Shepherd Moons (Enya)
Four-Calendar Cafe (Cocteau Twins)
Lovelife (Lush)

Match programme.  Patrick Cryne, R.I.P.  Thanks for everything.

Upper tier panorama v Fulham.

Lower tier panorama v Fulham.

Welcome to .....

Flowers left in memory of Patrick.

The Ponty v Fulham.

2nd half action.

Looking toward the Ponty, again.

BFC 2-4 Fulham, Saturday 16th October 2016

'I can't believe we're winning...and we're not.’

I always think a queue at the box office is a GOOD thing.

Yes, reality is dawning.  I saw Reading come to Oakwell and deservedly take the points despite being down to 10 men for the most part.  I saw Brighton take us to bits at the American Express Community Stadium…and I thought they looked a decent team.  I’ve now seen Fulham DESTROY us, 1^st win since before I was born (1970; last time they won, not when I was born, cheeky f***s.).  1^st Fulham goals since the infamous 4-3 win in the early 80s when we were 3 down.  The constant in these 3 defeats?  Barnsley FC.  In particular, the defence. Or ‘de-fense’ as Slacki described some nuance of American football in the pub late doors.

Things have changed at that there Barnsley. I know, I know.  We’re no longer queueing up to eke out a draw at home to Scunthorpe, we’re now with the big boys (Fulham?).  And, I’m sorry to say, as much as I love our style of football, hitting teams on the break at pace (we taught Leicester City everything they know) we’re now being found out.  Fulham had done their homework.  Despite no wins in 6, instead of sitting back, men behind the ball, grateful for a nil-nil, they did the high press.  And without a ball playing centre half (Mawson: sold to Swansea) or overlapping wing-back (Aidy White, injured) we are nothing.  Our back 4 today (Yiadom, McDonald, Roberts, Kpekawa) took more touches to control a ball than (Super) Sammy Winnall had contact with the sphere the entire game.  Not that Sam was s*** either.  

The teams come out (tho it's too sunny for a Samsung S5)

So, we failed to concede despite Fulham being able to cross as many balls in as they liked.  Why does Kpekawa stand 6 yards off his man?  My dad asked who our new assistant coach was, after the Tommy Wright business. I said I can’t remember his name, but I think he used to play left back for Ipswich (Jamie Clapham? I can’t be ar5ed to check.)  Daddy M said he needs to give this bloke some tips then.  Sadly, I remind him that our actual manager was one of the worst left backs we’ve ever had.  And I think that’s half the problem.  Given his own deficiencies, he wants an athletic big-ar5ed sh*thouse who LOOKS the part.  Instead, we have someone who’d be better off preening himself in front of a mirror admiring his taught body while wondering why he’s not quite as athletic as he looks. Nevermind the inability to defend, control a ball, head a ball….anyway, I can’t give the full list.  Reedy named half a dozen of his inadequacies on a platform at Donny rail station afterwards, before Slacki added 2 or 3 more.  Can I just repeat: FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY GRAND (allegedly), while we GAVE AWAY George Williams in the summer for the sake of a few quid.

Am I ranting? I hope so.  It also doesn’t help that Hamill hasn’t had a decent game this season, while Kent hasn’t the pace to outside a man, so keeps cutting inside only to lose it.  If he were a schoolchild, he’d definitely come under the tag ‘slow learner’.  As Hamill’s chief apologist, I can only say it’s difficult to run without legs, as one cheeky clip in the 2^nd half showed.  But still, he’s well below par.  Also, am I imagining this, or did I really see a team sheet in the club shop which said Hamill and Winnall were benched today?  It certainly explains some random coming up to me pre-match and saying ‘well, you must be happy’ (meaning Winnall).

The |Ponty.  Yup, still too sunny.

Oh yes, Fulham then lost the ball cheaply in their own half and Morsy (Twitter MOTM!) slipped a simple pass through to Sam Winnall (m’lord) to crash one in off the far post. Great finish.  Always liked him.  F*** me, WE ARE WINNING!  I’m chatting to the boke next to me (not my dad, the other one, the one who likes to wear perfume…sorry, AFTERSHAVE…to a game of football)…’I can’t believe we’re winning this game….and we’re not’.  Fulham run through us straight from the kick off, a cheeky flick, good movement, a sidestep and cool finish. If it was against anyone other than us, I’d be raving about it.  Instead, I toss a coin between irked and resigned.  Resigned wins.

Half time with the Londontykes East Stand (lower) diaspora, nobody disputes Fulham’s right to be not losing.  We’re lucky to be going in at 2-2 and hopefully Hecky can change things.  He doesn’t.  32 seconds in and it’s 2-3. Slacki hasn’t even finished his p*** yet.  (He’s only had 20 minutes.)  Their left back pushes up and his cross is so bad it flies into the net.  I wonder where our right back is: he’s standing on the apex of the 6 yard box.  I’m presuming it’s Kent who’s foregone his defensive duties.  Either way, it’s certainly Kent who’s in the same place to allow another Cottager to cut inside to whip in a pinpoint cross to centre forward Chris Martin to head home confidently.  The same Chris Martin who the Fulham fan on the train was berating for not scoring in 20 matches and never looking likely.  He looked phenomenal to me.  Sorry, I mean we made him look phenomenal to me.  Physical, niggly, a proper wind-up merchant….brilliant.  I’d take him tomorrow.

The Cottagers

Within a couple of minutes, all hope was extinguished as Joshua Scowen got clipped, scampered after it and dived into a tackle with Parker where he may have won the ball, but it was no surprise to see him depart under the ref’s orders; you simply can’t dive through the air into tackles like that these days.  I enjoy a few seconds of screaming at the ref for not giving the original foul, before it turns out he had.  Seems neither me nor Josh heard the whistle.  But as someone else said, perhaps he should have gone through Parker sooner, cos the latter really did run the show.  Note to Hecky: you need to react to what’s happening on the pitch.  Even if it’s getting a pedestrian Sam Morsy to stand next to Parker so he can’t just do what he likes.  If anyone’s expendable, it’s him.

And so, for the best part of half an hour, Fulham took pity on us, playing it around themselves (‘Please Mr Fulham, can we have our ball back’) without ever properly trying to score any more.  I’m presuming that’s why they kept kicking it over the bar from promising positions.  Then, as half the home crowd left (to be fair, most stayed till 85+mins) injury time came and we had our best 3 minutes of the second half.  Bree was sent on at right back, Yiadom pushed into midfield, and both looked a vast improvement on what we had.  We even had a cross (Bree) and  shot saved (Yiadom).  God knows what we’ll do against the Mags on Tuesday if we’re without both Scowen and Hourihane, but I’d take the risk of Yiadom in midfield again. Just please, please, let’s not have the opposition waltz around Morsy for 90 minutes.  I might not be there, but I’ll still feel the embarrassment.

Looking towards the away end.

*** Watkins.  A bit of muscle up front AND scored.  Completely deprived of any service 2^nd half, he disappeared.
** Winnall.  A bit of running around up front AND scored.  Completely deprived of any service 2^nd half, he disappeared.  Is now 3/10 of the way to costing me 50 squid.  A bad day all round.
* Bree.  Defended and attacked, which is 2 more things than anyone else in our back 4 did.

Londontykes MOTM:
*** Watkins
** Winnall
* Kent

The back 4 were simply APPALLING.  I’m sorry, I’ve got high hopes for Yiadom, but how many times were they free on their left?  Mind, at least I’ve hope for Yiadom.  What does £450,000 buy you these days?  One Kpekawa, a player not even good enough for Queens Park Rangers.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Tommy Wright and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink were in on this one. The bloke can’t defend, can’t control it, and his efforts at overlapping involve jogging 10 yards behind Adam Hamill.  In essence, our forwards can’t play with any confidence, cos the back 4 just ooze PANIC.  McDonald and Roberts are decent DEFENDERS, but controlling a ball is not their forte and at least 3 times today they found themselves taking on the centre forward when losing the ball would’ve meant the Cottagers (great nickname!) being clean thru.  I despair.  I go mad on a Thursday nite when some 15 stone 40 year old does this in a game of 5 aside.  I thought I was dealing with PROFESSIONALS on a Satdy?

Those were just SOME of the occasions we got away with it.  Somehow we were one up when Marley Watkins (up front!  Imagine!) ‘beat the offside trap’ early doors to bury it into the far corner.  I’ll be honest, I was right in line with it, and I still think he was offside, though TV pics are inconclusive.  Fine, I’ll take that.  It was against the run of play, but we’ll come good.  I don’t think we left our half for the next 20 minutes.  Fulham were so dominant it was untrue.  Nice (quick) little triangles, while we stood around like the traffic cones we are.  Did I say we had a new player?  Morsy was in for Hourihane, mysteriously sidelined today. My god.  Is he ‘strapping’, ‘big-boned’ or just a fat lad?  I do know that every time Fulham played a one-two he was lost (in music?).  Needless to say he was the Twatter MOTM.  Who votes for these things?  On so many levels, he reminds me of one Jacob Ba5tard F***ing Mellis.  Without the talent.  Can someone remind me where Wigan are in the league?

Oakwell panorama, pre-match.

Despatches:

Bradshaw came on and again showed good touches.  I like how he brings others into the game.   What with his goals last year for Walsall, he’s like a cross between Marley and Sam (the positive bits).  Kent looked great for 10 minutes, then got tackled everytime thereafter.  Hamill didn’t even have the 10 minutes.  Blatantly needs to be benched (but not if it means playing Marley at wide midfield!)  Davies possibly conceded more than he saved (given Fulham’s profligacy; they shoulda had 7 or 8) and did himself no favours with the 3^rd.  Scowen and Morsy looked overrun, so I was surprised when one of my near neighbours announced Scowen had been our best player.  Morsy somehow set up our 2 goals despite being dogdirt.  I guess we’ll score 10 when he hits form (and concede 11).

You know, I’d really missed BFC after the last 2 weeks off.  I should have known better. Norris gave me my 3 Brentford tickets in the pub.  Perfect timing, since I was getting about 10 pints in, so I hastily put them in my back pocket. Fast forward an hour and a woman comes up to me as I'm leaving the chippy...'I think you've dropped these, love'.  Christ, nearly lost 70 quid's worth of tickets. Marius WOULD have been pleased next week....over from Norway and unable to get in! Also, I think someone needs to have a word with the programme editor at Oakwell. I'm not sure the prize of a 'singed ball' would be enough to tempt me to enter the fan v player quiz.


Drink du jour: JD and coke.  And we didn’t even finish that cos we were chatting to some horsey types who were off to see their 40 year old ‘unique’ looking daughter getting married to an embryo.  He really was THAT young.  Sti, it was a window into another world as Chris achatted to them about the ‘Breeder’s Cup’ which is held in…..come on kids…..Los Angeles. Who knew?  (Chris is off there next week, sans wife, on their 45^th wedding anniversary.  Surely this eclipses that pr*ck who told his girlfriend to get her passport ready cos he’s taking her abroad on Valentine’s weekend….to Wrexham v Barnsley?)  Oh, and 3 pints of Litovel in Kings X as well as Vedett pre-match.  Good on the Old #7, getting in a wheat beer on tap.
Away: 700 and odd.  A good effort from the notoriously fickle Fulham folk.

The Damage:
30 train3 prog45 3^rd strip shirt (it’s fab!)



The Tunes:

Mixmag Sept 15: (What Hannah Wants)
Shangri-La (Jake Bugg)