BFC 1-1 Cambridge United, Saturday 22nd March 2025

‘You know that McCarthy...he’s not a sponsor or something, is he?’

For the past few home games I’ve driven over to Barnsley with the same thought: I hope I’ve missed the match. In an age where our home games sometimes kick-off at 12:30 on a Satdy afternoon, what chance me not taking any notice, preparing for a 3pm KO and getting there accordingly? Consequently, there’s always the slight hope when I enter Spiral that the game is up and away and while I’m imbibing, I’m not watching THAT shower of sh*te. But then I see Reedy, Cynthia, Nozzer et al and realise that no, kick-off IS 3pm and you haven’t missed it. Man up.

It’s Coach Conor’s debut in the home dugout. What delights has he for us today? Well, Flavell makes his home debut, decision #1 being not to bring in yet another loan keeper. (Knowing us, we’d bring back Liam Roberts, currently out 6 games suspended for his kung fu kick on Matete t’other week.) He also gives another right wingback start to Bensons for Beds. I wonder how that will pan out? Plus Pines is in for Roberts, so presumably there’ll be some amusement to be had. He’s also picked Connell AND Nwakali, a midfield partnership that’s worked zero times thus far. When does it stop being ‘an experiment’ and become ‘a failure’? Oh, and Watters leading the line. (‘Leading’???)

It is s***. But at least I have Slacki, Loko and Hicksy for company in the Heritage Stand, as the tourists decide Cambridge home is one they really can’t afford to miss. Guaranteed home victory against guaranteed relegatories (this week’s made-up word). It takes 9 minutes for Cambridge to go ahead. Pines meekly heads it down against an opponent, who looks up, plays the pass and his mate is through on the left. MdG has been caught out, and the subsequent shot appears to go THROUGH Flavell. We are losing to a set of pottery. (Check out their kit!)

Worse, we are not 20 minutes in when Bensons for Beds gets injured (again). What a pitiful sight he looked as he trudged off. I just hope he’s made enough out of Barnsley FC that he never has to work again, cos he’s not getting days off as a hospital porter for some of his negligible injuries. Though I can see a sprained ankle coming as he pushes trollies at Asda. Maybe he can become a hair model. He has super nice hair. Though he’d probably have to rule himself out for another month with a split end.

On comes Jonathan Bland, and after looking like the latest academy product to be given a freebie, he looks alright, actually. Certainly it helped that he didn’t have to defend, as Cambridge shuffled backwards and into position as we went square, square, backwards, square…then maybe a low through ball forward from Nwakali (if we waited long enough). I heard the Radio Sheffield reporter claim it was difficult cos they got 11 men behind the ball. Well, perhaps if we counter-attacked with any pace. ‘But we don’t have any pace’. OK, then, it would be good if we actually recruited anybody with pace. (back to recruitment again). Cotter is still our fastest player, and he’s injured. (I mean, he's still our fastest player, even if he has only one working leg.)

Course that means the regular RWB is playing LWB, and he’s predictably awful. If only we had a left footed left back. Ah, but we do…Georgie Gent. I refer the honourable ladies and gentlemen to my previous remark about recruitment. Still, inbetween all these squareballs we put a cross in. Watter elects not to go for goal but supplies the perfect nod down for DKD to control it, 8 yards out, and drag it wide. And there’s your first half action over. (Earlier, Cambridge had somehow missed an open goal from 6 yards, so let’s not pretend the lead flattered them.)

Coach Conor rings the changes at half-time, doing absolutely NOTHING. ‘Are you Coach Clarke in disguise?’ sings nobody, cos nobody was singing. By now, it’s chucking it down, so I muse that things could be worse...we could be sat in the lower tier, whose penguins are now all huddling towards the back, trying to stay dry. (Their chicken brethren have already asked the stewards to open the exit gates to go home. And YES, there were a few.) Watters has another superb headed knockdown dragged wide. This time it’s Adam Phillips, and at least it’s a respectable 18 yards out, but it’s a chance, nonetheless.

Watters' reward for being not as poor as usual is to be hauled after the hour. Humphreys comes on to make no difference, save for his usual one effort after cutting inside from the right. (I wouldn’t mind, but by that time Jalo was playing wide right, so we had TWO players taking up one position.) Yes, Jalo is back. HURRAH! He’s come on for Connell (hurrah!) while Russell is on for Pines and we’re going to a back 4. ACTUAL changes. Coach Conor might get a head coach position yet.

Jalo is fed plenty of the ball on the wing and his first input is to be fouled. But, at last, there’s something to watch, as he tries single-handed to break them down. It’s not long before he’s being double-marked, which must mean one of the other useless gets is free, but they never seem to be. As the ball ends up played back once again, I deduce that spare man is Flavell. The mercurial Portuguese meantime continues to entertain and frustrate in equal measure; if he beats a player, the cross is poor, the shot is over. But he’s TRYING to make a difference, and that goes a long way with me after watching us attack (and fail) the same way ad nauseum for 2 months.

With around 15 left, Coach Conor plays his last card, the Yank Lewis coming on for Phillips. There’s an appeal for a penalty as a ball is smashed into a Cambridge player’s hands...which are somewhere near his head. It’s a penalty all day in the Prem with VAR, but there’s no way the linesman could possibly see it, directly in line with no-one impeding his view, as he was. Or the ref, who really didn’t want to give a cheap equaliser (the defender being barely in his own box). Then, from nothing, DKD hits a 25 yarder off the bar. ‘That’s it’ we all think...before Jalo receives the ball out wide in the second of 3 minutes injury time and puts an inswinger in to the back post for that man Lewis to force home. Pandemonium! Well, a gratefully received equaliser at home to relegation certs. One must give thanks even for morsels.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jalo. Yes, he lost the ball. Players who take on opponents do. But he provided more entertainment in half an hour than the team has in 2 months. Put the equaliser on a plate.
** Bland. A couple of mistakes early on, but became more confident as the game developed.
* Flavell. Made a great save to keep it at 0-1.

Official MOTM: Bland.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Jalo 2. Bland 3. Russell

Despatches:
74% possession. Total football! But what’s the point of possession if you’re not going to do anything with it? Remember the days of Hecky in the Championship? Regularly, 40% possession and beating teams cos we had pace on the counter? Now we get the ball, and trundle around till the opposition have everybody back. People used to say watching long ball is boring, but is there anything more boring than watching a lower division Manchester City?

XG today was 1.45 v 0.4. Finally, we get the upperhand, as well as under perform. How do we manage both?

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral. Shout out to Lord S who got very angry at me drinking what was left of MY half after he’d poured most if it into his pint. (Jonesy was carrying his half.)

Away: 266. Looked fewer. Sounded fewer (but louder than us).

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c. £8

** Owner/Chairman Neerav was interviewed on Radio Sheffield Friday nite. The jist was we’re trying to live within our means...the board has had to put money in as capital (not debt)...around £6m...players may have to be sold...we have a team/squad that should be top 3 or 4 ‘based on underlying stats’ (which are never explained)...and at least 5 of our players will play in The Championship within the next 3 or 4 years. Cue Adie Moses being put on the spot Satdy as to who the 5 might be..MdG...if he cuts out his mistakes...Adam Phillips...DKD...and maybe Connell (but not based on form this season)...’so three and a half’ was his honest analysis. I concur. Co-com (Adam Oxley) put it to him that Georgie Gent will too, based on what he’s seen this season. I could have fallen off my chair, if I wasn’t standing up in the kitchen. But Neerav might be right. Devante Cole is Championship (albeit West Brom bench) so some of our players will undoubtedly get the odd game at a higher level (if their agent is worth his salt). I’d love to know what the ‘underlying statistics’ are that make us out to be a top 4 team tho. Coach Clarke may well have failed to get the best out of certain players, but another way of looking at it is that we’re expected to challenge for promotion with a side who need at least 6 players replacing should we have gone up (presuming we didn’t sell any of the 5, as we did with Pinnock..Kiefer Moore...and Liam Lindsay...last time we got promoted).

*Christ. Last time we went up we had players like those three plus Woodrow, Mowatt, Styles, Thiam, Cavare, Jacob Brown. Need I go on? And that team only came SECOND. This team is where it should be. Midtable 3rd division.

BFC 0-2 Cambridge United, Friday 29th March 2024

‘We’d be better off playing rugby.’

My cat’s dying, I’ve done my back in and the roof needs replacing, so it’s a good job I don’t rely on Barnsley FC to cheer me up. Christ, what a performance. Was that as bad as there’s been this season? Sideways, sideways, bit further forward out wide, back again to the centre circle…repeat ad infinitum. Throw in a comedy own goal, zero decent efforts on target and nary a corner to speak of, and that about sums it up. It was dirge from start to finish. Did I mention Coach Collins? All the tactical nouse of Mad Mel Machin. There were almost echoes of Mad Mel’s 4-2-4 with Liddell, Saville, Rammell, and Camel Pearson up front, as we finish with (finish with? Bl**dy hell, it was 17 minutes I’ll never get back) Cole, Cosgrove and Watters trying to get us a goal. Just let that sink in for a moment.

As ever, all of our threat, such as it was, came from the flanks. Jordan, on the overlap, fizzed in a delicious ball which Cadden (Cadden! Where’s our centre forwards?) put wide before they went ahead. MdG shrugs off that snidely, conniving, cheating get Lyle Taylor then fires a backpass into the bottom corner. ‘That’s a goal’ I said before Roberts has chance to react. They’ve only been playing together all season, so it’s nice that the pair of them have a goalscoring relationship, cos no-one else in a red shirt has.

Still, we have the opportunity to equalise when McAtee misses the unmissable. Another gorgeous cross from the left (Earl) has Cole dummying it superbly completely missing his attempt and McAtee ghosting in at the back post for a tap-in. It’s 3 yards out FFS. He hits the post. Cambridge, with their 28% possession (invariably kicking the ball FORWARD) test Roberts out with a cheeky free kick from a wide angle before going 2-0 ahead, a header off a corner. Hold on though, the ref has spotted a non-existent foul. I’d be absolutely livid if I was a Cambridge fan. (What IS their nickname? I used to know them all. The U’s?)

At half-time I chat to Julian and Darrell. ‘Who do you blame, Julian?’ ‘All of ‘em.’ I think that was the general consensus. Darrell hits the nail on the head with Devante. ‘We’ve got the Cole we had 1st time round’, which is to say, he’s bl**dy awful. Can I remind people I’d have taken 250k for him in January? What’s he got since? One goal? I have Cher’s ‘If I could turn back time’ running through my head.

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I’d do everything I can
And you’d not stay

‘Let’s hope that was our bad half’ messages somebody. Errrr...I cannot remember us threatening their goal at all, second half. This is a side who’ve lost 6 in 7 (the other a draw) and have come to Oakwell on the back of 6-0 and 4-0 away wallopings. Cole chests it and bobbles one to the keeper. Cole hooks wide from 6 yards out. Cole is inches away from a right wing (O’Keefe?) cross. He always is. I’m starting to think the other players are in on the joke, always playing the ball JUST too far for our centre forward to get on the end of it. Or b) he’s just not very good.

Still, Coach Collins awakens the fans with his subs. He hauls McAtee for being our most likely player to create something, and puts on Cosgrove. There’s muted booing before several chants in McAtee’s name. O’Keefe comes on for McCart. It’s all the latter’s fault, again. Even without Pines we have enough centre halves to play Jordan out wide, but Coach Collins knows best. And it makes a difference, as Cambridge go two up within 5 minutes. A hopeful free kick forward is looped into the far corner of the net from 12 yards via a visitor’s head. The away fans cannot believe what is happening, and their earlier ‘How s*** must you be, we’re winning away’ morphs into ‘Can we play you every week?’ Indeed.

The closest we get is an appeal for a penalty, as...Phillips?...is grappled to the floor just after the ref warns the players to stop grappling as a free kick was about to come in. It’s ok though, he gives a free kick on the halfway for the exact same offence a couple of minutes later. Otherwise, the half’s highlight is Taylor getting injured and subbed, the snidely, conniving, cheating get. He still gets the last laugh though, as he’s allowed to limp off 40 yards to the halfway line, rather than the 10 yards he was from behind the goal. The very goal where the changing rooms are, where he could get some treatment for that nasty, wasty lil’ hurtyness. Superb sh*thousery, and I’d be disappointed if he did anything else.

Then, with 81 minutes on the clock, Coach Collins sends on Cotter and Watters. Cotter and Watters. For Cadden and Phillips. I spend 17 minutes (8 mins injury time) cackling to myself like some Victorian lunatic sent to the madhouse. Max Watters. I’m grinning inanely even as I write the words. It’ll be all-out aerial assault now. (The next ball in is subsequently a knee high cross cleared by the first defender). We didn’t even get Cotter comedically trying to take on defenders, cos we never gave him the ball.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Least worst of a bad bunch.
** O’Keefe. Did ok when he came on.
* Watters. Only kidding. Earl.

Official MOTM: Connell

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Connell 2. O’Keefe 3= Earl / No-one

Despatches:
It was good to see the Super Reds taking up the cause of republicanism, though someone else reckoned the ‘Reds against the Royals’ ads on the digital displays referred to some forthcoming football match or other. Disappointing.

Good on the Reds too for losing, and for the defeat to be signposted long enough for many fans to leave before the final whistle. I was parked up next to Grove Street and got out very easy ta very much. Also, I like a trip to Cambridge, so that’s one away game sorted next season (fingers crossed it’s not midweek).

The players? Herbie Kane. Not for the first time I ask ‘what’s he for?’ The most sideways passes this side of Stephen McPhail and Mitch Ward combined. Mind, I can understand why he kicks it square, cos every time he kicks it forward it runs through to the goalkeeper. MdG had a good game tussling with that snidely...etc Lyle Taylor, and had the better of it, if we ignore his absolute howler. Which I won’t. Roberts saved us from going three down in another break. Yes, aside from the two goals, the closest anyone came to scoring was Cambridge (when they did; disallowed) and Cambridge, when they didn’t (Roberts saving a one-one one). There is nothing I can say in favour of anyone else, other than they didn’t fall over while putting one foot in front of the other (though, actually, Cole slipped trying to get...failing...to get on the end of rebound.)

I asked a select few the other week where they would like to see us win promotion…Oakwell, Blackpool (last away game) or Wembley. Well, that horse (donkey?) has left town. Since collapsing in that last half hour against Bolton, we have been hammered at home by Lincoln, lost to Cambridge, and failed to score against Cheltenham, the latter two in deep relegation trouble. Morale is at such a low ebb that I overheard one fan say they hope we DON’T go up, as we’ll get embarrassed in the Championship. Personally, I presume we’ll replace Cole, Kane and all the other ne’er do wells. But I live in hope.

Drink du jour: Siren, followed by Northern Monk Faith, which appeared halfway through in Spiral City. The amber nectar.

Away: 483. Respectable. And presuming they stay up, will all those chanting ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ take heed of themselves and not bother next season?

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

BFC 2-0 Cambridge United, Saturday 11th February 2023

‘I’ve been to opera. Some singing and a fat lass died.’

Arch-Londontyke Tories and Brexiteers (actually, I haven’t asked Craig, let’s just presume) Bob and The Doctor chose the right day to return for a rare outing at t’well….we win despite going down to 10 men in the first half, an atmosphere actually breaks out…and the win is bookended by the welcome re-appearance of ‘The Boys are Back in Town’ at full-time. Maybe the DJ knew our right wing friends were here!

Sounds thrilling, eh? And it was, till we killed the game off after 64 minutes with a second goal. When have we ever looked so comfortable whilst playing with 10 men? Well..errr….Cambridge away, actually, earlier this season. That game Kitching got sent off at 1-0 and we steamrollered them, triumphing 3-0. Today we just did a job, Jordan Williams killing them off with an excellent 20 yard volley as The Cams (whatthehell is Cambridge’s nickname?) half-cleared a corner.

This is to ignore the main talking point – how STUPID is our new centre forward? 37 minutes in we’re winning 1-0 and loanee Watters has scored our goal. So what is he doing leading with his elbow approximately 17 seconds after the ball has gone? Their player crumples into a heap and I fear the worst. Watters’ only hope is the apparent slow motion of it all. But no, the ref’s got his red card out – and rightfully so. What a pr*ck. (I haven’t seen a sending off like this in 20 years….then I watched the EFL highlights Sun morn and there was another one in the same division!)

Earlier, Watters had been Johnny-on-the-spot as Cole brought down a long ball, turned and hit a shot across the keeper which was palmed to Watters to prod into an empty goal. Unlucky for Cole, who’d done all the work, but it was nice to imagine (for a few minutes at least) that we had a CF who knows where to stand. With 8 minutes to half-time following the sending-off, Super Michael Duffy decided against immediate changes and we saw it out to half-time. And here’s where the manager earned his corn, dragging off Cadden for Norwood, going flat back 4 and keeping 2 up top. Well, it worked in similar circumstances at the Abbey Stadium.

New (Huddersfield?) signing Russell came on in midfield for the anonymous Phillips too. (I’ll be honest, I wasn’t aware Phillips was playing till I heard the PA announcer saying he was being hauled.) But this Russell bloke. What a player he looks. He is MASSIVE for a midfielder, has a great touch and can beat players with some actual soccer skillz. I see from his CV he started out at Chelsea, while Loko says Terriers fans are up in arms about losing him. I’m not surprised. I’d hoick Phillips out NOW to get this lad in the team. Not since that Norwich loanee (where’s he these days?) beat 3 players and hit a 20 odd yarder towards the top corner earlier this season have I seen a Barnsley player do same. Let’s hope Russell isn’t a similar flash-in-the pan.

Oh, nearly forgot. In a game MADE for Brad Collins and his unsurpassable time-wasting abilities, he was injured, replaced by Walton replacement Isted. And he did make one contribution, making a triffic reflex save from a header. However, I never once saw him come off his line…for either of Cambridge’s crosses. Christ, they were terrible. As Slacki said at half-time, we’d have to go down to 8 players for Cambridge to win this game. And it’s not often I hail Ian’s opinion on football.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jordan Williams. Down to 10 men and Jordan is still up and down that right wing and great technique for the bag.
** Cole. Ran about and gave the defence lots to think about.
* Mads. Won everything, read everything. The usual.

Official MOTM: Jordan Williams. Though I see we're now calling it 'player of the match'. The world has gone PC mad. It's a man. Playing in a game with other men. Hence MAN of the match....oh my God, don't start me. I'm going to sound like a Daily Mail reader.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Jordan Williams 2. Cole 3. Connell

Despatches:
The atmosphere. Where did that come from? Not great, but a vast improvement on the norm. Oh, hang on, our CEO Khaled wotshisface was in the home end. Did word get round and the fans decide to put on a show? Maybe. Cos it wasn’t cos we were down to 10 men, as there were no complaints about the sending off, none of the usual ‘the world and his wife are against us. Plus the ref.’ Words were bandied about at half-time along the lines of ‘f***ing’ and ‘idiot’. Clear as day in the East Stand, where Watter’s elbow was heading had that Cambridge bloke’s face not got in the way.

With our continental crew in town, we were out early drinking and out late, drinking. And what a bizarre name for a niteclub…’Funny gals’. Turns out it’s 3 blokes in drag playing tunes from their ipad. (And no, I don’t mean Bob, Slacki and I.) It was as s*** as Slacki will tell you it was great, though let’s just say with his beer goggles, Slacki should never visit the bars of Bangkok.

Full marks though to young Ian for taking us to that Brazilian all-the-meat-you-can-eat place. Really enjoyed that. But I am a pig, so no surprise there.

Drink du jour: Grover hazy IPA in Spiral City. More Grover hazy IPA in Spiral City. Red wine. Neck Oil. More red wine. JD and coke. ‘Baby Guiness’ in Eadens. (Whatthehell is THAT?) Stella (well, I was in Barnsley’s premier niteclub).

Away: 602

Today’s take home: Is it possible to find a worse forward than we already had? Yes. Yes it is. Fat overweight pr*ck. (I reserve the right to change my mind when he hits the winner in the play-off final at Wembley.)

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
= c.£30

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music (Radcliffe and Maconie / Huey Morgan)
BBC5Live (Fighting Talk)