Huddersfield Town 2-2 Barnsley, Saturday 4th May 2013

'YORKSHIRE! YORKSHIRE!’

Yesterday, I saw scenes I’ve never before witnessed at a football match.  Whatever I write this week simply cannot do justice to what happened.  It wasn’t simply an amazing football experience, it was an amazing LIFE experience.

We all know what panned out.  The Super Reds, after being bottom at New Year, have fought and fought and here we are now, with our reward – Championship football for another season.  What a season it’s been and what a game it was.

Being the last day, the beers were out in force on the train up.  Even Mr Marshall left the school books at home and hit the Leffe early.  Of course, a 12:45 KO in Huddersfield didn’t really lend itself to a visit pre-match to the pub, and problies a good job too, since the (West Yorks police?) idea was to limit Reds fans to ONE pub in town and (allegedly) attempted to force any Reds fan they came across into said pub.  Nevermind health and safety issues INSIDE the pub, as long as fans weren’t fighting OUTSIDE.

So it was that we arrived in Hudds and I nipped off to the loo, only to bump into Matt, 1 of only 2 Huddersfield fans I know.  We both agreed we’d be very happy were both sides to stay up.  If only we knew what would come…

To the stadium, Sarah, Salisbury and I timed it nicely to coincide with the main Barnsley mob getting a police escort.  You heard them before you saw them!  This set it up nicely – I was worried the atmosphere in the ground would be muted, both sets of fans too tense to sing.  How wrong this was as well.  Fantastic noise throughout from the Barnsley, even when their goals went it.  It was one of those days when everyone knew they had to do their bit.

From the off, both sides went at each other.  This was no cagey game.  We had to win and we took it to them.  Still, it came as a surprise when O’Grady stroked it home at the far end.  From our angle, you had no idea it was on target till it hit the net.  Pandemonium.  ‘WE ARE STAYING UP, WE ARE STAYING UP’.  Town fans looked shellshocked.  Even more so when news came through that Posh were winning while Millwall was scoreless.  Town were going down.   Fast and furious as the game was, we spent most of the half clearly being the superior side and probably should have cemented victory there and then.  As it was, nobody complained as the players went off a goal to the good.  Even better, Palace had equalised just before half time.  A win for them and we could even escape with a draw.

Hudds brought on a couple of players at half time (ironically, one of the lads taken off was Norwood, our main transfer target last summer) and we were on the back foot from the off.  Steele made a super save, one-on-one and just as we wondered when Barnsley would get a grip, Hudds scored.  We can’t say it wasn’t coming, but the manner of it was annoying.  Crainie and Wiseman had been superb in the 1^st half and this goal seemed to go straight down the middle of them.  Ho hum.  At least they’d scored early enough for us to go hunt a winner.  Never did I think Hudds would dominate as they had done and so it proved.  For the whole half, momentum went with who NEEDED to score rather than whoever HAD scored.

Dagnall cut inside and from 18 yards struck it towards the far corner .  A goal all the way, I was right behind it.  Damn it if the keeper didn’t tip it round the post.  Then Dawson had the chance of the game saved.  He dummied the player, let it run in front of him then hit it on the turn across the keeper.  Another great save, though if truth be told it looked the shot of a tired player (yet Dawson wasn’t subbed for another 20 mins).  I was now seriously worried.  Would we get another chance like it?

As time ticked away, Scotland and Noble-Lazarus were sent on to save the situation, Daggers and Mellis making way.  I mused to Sarah how I could foresee Reuben hitting a sweet volley from the edge of the area off a cleared corner.  So you can imagine how perplexed I was when we GOT that corner and Reuben had to trot back to the halfway line as cover for every other bod piling into the box.  You could see this wasn’t planned – he looked around and realised if he didn’t do it, nobody else would.  And the ball?  Yes, it was cleared to the edge of the area, exactly where Reuben should’ve been.

But lo and behold.  Perkins gets free on the left (we’d done this 3 or 4 times without reward) and pulls it back for Scotland to head a low ball into the back of the net.  Did I say it was pandemonium when the 1^st one went in?  This was CARNAGE.  We were (literally) falling over ourselves while worried Terriers looked on.  (Note: worried about their own situation, not our health and safety.) YOU’RE NOT SINGING ANYMORE.  The volume was off the scale.  Town meantime were going down.  Posh were winning, Washday were winning, Millwall were drawing.  Only 15 minutes left. Could we hold on?  Have a guess.

7 minutes of jubilation turned to utter, utter despair as Town equalised again.  A lost tackle in midfield and Huddersfield looked like 2 on 1.  Could they possibly, possibly miss?  PLEASE!  No. No, they couldn’t.  Vaughan fires in and we’re staring relegation in the face.  There was no way Palace were going to rescue us, we NEEDED another goal.  And we huffed…and we puffed…and we couldn’t force the ball in.  We had the corners, we had the shots, we had a free kick.  We were doomed.  The fans roared, there was no self pity, no sitting, head in hands, waiting for relegation. It was all or nothing as everyone got behind the team.  News came in.  Palace had equalised. There was a glimmer of hope, but still minds were focused on the task in hand.  Then the unthinkable became thinkable.  More news filtering in.  Palace had scored again.  Reds fans started jumping around, celebrating.  Apart from me.  I’ve been here before and I’m not trusting anything approaching a scoreline rumour ever again after THAT year the Oakwell PA announced we’d made the play-offs (we hadn’t; a last minute goal elsewhere saw to that).  Mobile and internet reception was next to zero, so no confirmation there either  and the only thing Huddersfield appear to use their scoreboard for are adverts.  (An ‘advertboard’?)

But then I saw THE most bizarre piece of football I have EVER seen.  The ball went back to Steele, and Hudds, with a draw keeping them safe, didn’t bother closing him down.  I could see Flitcroft telling Steele to keep the ball, calm down.  So it was TRUE – Palace were winning (had won?)  And for nearly 2 minutes you had the queer sight of Steele dribbling the ball around to himself while every other player was stood on the halfway line.  Meantime, Town fans were encroaching onto the pitch to our right.  And all round the ground the chant went up ‘YORKSHIRE! YORKSHIRE!’  The ref blew.  Both sides had done it – they’d stayed up.  I could even forgive the half dozen or so Terriers who had earlier been waving pictures of Margaret Thatcher at us.  (Nice try lads.)

The players legged it off the pitch and on came the Town hoardes.  The thin orange line that were the stewards spread out to our front as Huddersfield came towards us.  But they came not in menace, but in joy, as both sets of fans continued chanting ‘Yorkshire!  Yorkshire’ with a cheeky aside of ‘We all hate Leeds scum’.  It was a complete Yorkshire love-in as the fans applauded each other.

Then, with their fans still at our end, the SUPER REDS circled round the pitch to take their acclaim.  The job had been done and you could see what it meant to this squad of players.  Last up came the manager.  And didn’t he look proud as he took the applause as we walked in a ‘Flitcroft wonderland’?  And so he should be.  Can you give Manager of the Year to someone who’s only done the job for half a season?  The players danced and celebrated with each other and Jim O’Brien put on one of them there Jamaican beanie hats that many Reds fans were wearing for the day.  And with the Hudds fans having been cleared off the pitch (presumably for their players to do a lap of honour) the last thing I saw before leaving was Sir Bobby coming onto the pitch.  A fitting end, I think.  ‘Oh Bobby Hassell, you are the love of my life….’

So, Salisbury, Sarah and I strolled to Tesco for the beers as policemen congratulated us and shook hands and fans of both teams floated down the road on an air of…what’s it called?  That thing we as Barnsley fans are so unused to.  That’s it – JOY!  We’ve been to Wembley, won play-off games, won at Anfield, won promotion to the Premiership, but this feeling (which I still have) is something else.  I have never been through so many emotions in a single game.  We have battled and battled this season and I am PROUD to describe myself as a Barnsley fan.

MOTM?  Oh yeah…

*** Perkins.  Thought he was everywhere.  Got in their faces, covered Dawson when Scannell exposed his lack of pace and, most crucially, got into the attack to set up the 2^nd goal.

** O’Grady.  Held onto everything and like every other big centre forward we ever have, gets absolutely nothing from the ref, however much they’re pushing, pulling, etc

* No-one.  Not that no-one deserved it, I just can’t pick a player from the rest.  It was a fabulous effort throughout, from everyone.

Despatches.  The lads were superb.  The match stats say it all – we deserved to win.  Everything was in our favour:  possession 53-47, shots 11-6, on target 8-3, corners 5-1.  (Note to Andy Jones: I’ve just looked that up – I can’t remember EVERYTHING!)  I know everyone’s gonna say we got lucky with that late Palace goal, but it would’ve been a travesty to go down on THAT performance and THAT run from January.

Drinks du jour:  Champagne, spiced rum and ginger ale, vodka and orange, Fosters (not me). Celebration time, come on!  Then onto London for an intended pitstop at the Flying Scotsman, but here’s where it all fell apart.  After a beer in Caminos, Tim, Matty and Salisbury disappeared, Andy got chatting to a girl in a Barnsley shirt (yes, a real life GIRL.  I believe she was visiting London with her job and was wearing her Reds shirt in celebration.)  Anyway, I don’t know how I got that pint down my neck, cos when I went to the toilet I realised how drunk I was and went home.  And yes, for the 1^st time since moving house and the last time this season, I fell asleep on the bus and had to be awoken at the end of the line by the driver.  Where I proceeded to cross the road, watch the bus turn around, and got back on again.  And while everyone else couldn’t sleep BEFORE the Hudds match, I found myself up at 7:30 this morn having not been able to get back to sleep.  This adrenaline rush is still going.  I may collapse later on…

DON’T WORRY…’BOUT A THING…COS EVERY LITTLE THING’S….GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

YOOOOOUUUUU REDDDDDSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Barnsley 2-0 Hull City, Saturday 27th April 2013

‘Premiership?  You're having a laugh!’

Phew!  There we were, lambs to the slaughter.  The Beeb had turned up (both radio and TV highlights show) and those Reds fans from far flung regions with the nouse for these things could pick up the game on Salisbury’s favourite foreign channel ‘Ah’ll Jizz Ne’er thee’.  The Super Reds were, of course, purely there as the fall guys to Hull City’s promotional aspirations.  All the Tigers would have to do is turn up and the game was theirs.  In fact, we weren’t helped by the previous night’s result:  Had Leicester turned over Watford, Hull would’ve been up and their players could’ve come out drunk to wild celebratory scenes before we wiped out the 6 goals difference the Charlton game cost us.  Which makes our victory yesterday even more worthy – Hull came to win and we cleaned them out, bigstyle.

Flitcroft picked an attacking side, aware that results of late hadn’t been good enough with a more defensive psychology.  Obviously, this could’ve gone either way, and if Boyd had hit his pass right, their centre forward would’ve had a tap in early doors.  Thankfully, it was too close to Steele, danger averted.  Then, 4 mins in, Mellis (Mellis!!) breaks on the right.  The angle is poor for a shot, but there’s no support, so he cracks it…I’ve never seen him hit a ball so hard…and it flies off the underside of the crossbar, bounces, spins back, appears to hit the staunchion (sp?) at the back of the goal and bounces out.  We celebrate, but we all know it still needs to be given…and IT IS.  Get the f*** in there.  Only 86 more minutes to hang on.

The 1^st 15-20 mins, Hull looked dangerous, spurning 3 opportunities to make something, but as the match wore on, we absolutely took control.  The Football League Show tipped Steele to have another busy week, a la Forest, but I can’t remember a save he made.  What shots or headers City had generally ended up in the stand.  Thanks lads.  Half time came, still 1-0.  I asked my dad if he was coming to Huddersfield next week.  (He’s one of them fans who only wants to go to Huddersfield if there’s something riding on it - sound familiar to some of you?).  ‘Unlikely’ he said.  (I’d already bought him his ticket).

The teams came out and the old bloke next to me wondered ‘who’d given the better team talk at half time?’  The answer came quick enough.  About 4 minutes in (again) the ball is bouncing around the edge of the Hull penalty area when O’Grady lashes it into the bottom corner.  My God, we are 2-0 up against a side who’ll be playing Premiership football next season, allegedly.  Their fans go deathly silent.  Deathly.  I mean, it was like a morgue at their end as our chants reverberated around the stadium.  This feel good factor feels….good.  I have to say, it wasn’t like the 2^nd goal Marcelle scored to get us promoted, there was no certainty the job was done, but suffice to say, conversation on the train included how bad were Hull?  Were they the worst side to come to our place this season? We were on top from start to finish in the 2^nd half, despite a couple of headers going close for Hull.  What particular impressed me was we didn’t sit back or run the ball to the corner. We carried on going for a 3^rd and even took a midfielder off (Mellis) to stick on a 3^rd centre forward (Scotland).  Later on, as Rose was about to come on, I wondered whether we’d finish with 4 centre forwards on the pitch.  (The last manager to try this out was ‘Mad’ Mel Machin, with the legendary Liddell, Rammell, Saville, Pearson forward line.  Great Days.)

It was one of the most comfortable last 20 minutes of the season.  The Tigers’ fans even joined in with a couple of ‘what a waste of money’ chants, as dozens streamed out before the final whistle.  (A couple of the lads think this may have been directed at the arrival of the stewards and riot police – I’m not so sure.)  Whatever way, what a pathetic lot they were in the away end.  Some ‘support’ for a side so close to promotion.

Being a Big Game, we also got a Big Ref – Chris Foy, loaned from the Premiership for the day.  And what a load of sh*te he was.  At one point I joined in with the away fans’ chant of ‘you don’t know what you’re doing’.  (This after finally giving a decision our way).  I think my 2 favourite decisions were the booking of Etuhu for a perfectly good tackle and then, when Perkins dragged up their player (worth a yellow) after their bloke dived, their bod grabbed Perkins by the throat (red).  Verdict?  A little chat and no cards administered.  Must be different rules in the Prem.

MOTM:
*** O’Grady.  Sponsors MOTM too.  He just gets better and better.  Strong, holds the ball up, capable of running at them, and then, THAT goal.
** Etuhu.  You don’t miss him till he’s gone.  Kelvin is (literally) MASSIVE in the centre of our midfield.
* Crainie.  Him and Wiseman actually LOOK like a partnership.  I’m giving Crainie the mark, cos even tho they look alike, I saw the number 25 being the one with the most clearances, tackles, interceptions.  Players player of the year.  I’m not surprised.  (I said he was the dark horse for fans player of the year.)

Despatches:

Good f***ing job we won, cos otherwise I think there woulda been more made of our PA playing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ before the match.  Lulling them into a false sense of security?  Or just f***ing clueless?

The players were all super, so I’ll mention:

Perkins – player most likely to give Hull summat in the last 20, yet excellent throughout the rest.  Fans player of the year.  I’m not surprised.  (I called it on the train).

Reuben – one particularly great run saw him slalom past 4 opponents (shame he dragged the shot wide with his favoured left).  Excellent throughout, wide left.

Shuk…sorry, DAGNALL.  Ran around causing mayhem yet nothing would drop for him.  I can’t help but feel though his inclusion is key to OTHER players doing well up front.

So there it is.  The Posh try to ruin an otherwise perfect day, but we’re still fighting.  If we play like Satdy, we will DESTROY Huddersfield.  But I’ll settle for 0-1.  A draw and we’re reliant on Posh losing at Palace, or Millwall losing 2 games with a goal difference of minus 4 or higher.  Defeat and we’re down.  It all seems very simple to me.

Drink du jour:  M&S vodka and orange or lager for Timmy.  We cut it fine, thanks to our taxi getting stuck in traffic.  There may have been words had we missed that train, what with Tim and Salisbury on the pitch after the match, while the well mannered folk sat on the minibus, waiting.  Decent train ride back, with a couple of Exeter and a Gill for company.  Andy Jones wanted me to mention something in today’s report, but I can’t remember what.  I’ve forgotten more than most of you will ever know.

‘Dad are you going to Huddersfield next week?’  ‘Of course.’  Was there ever a doubt?

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nottingham Forest 0-0 Barnsley, Saturday 20th April 2013

‘She’s Margaret Thatcher, she’s one of your own.’

Another battling performance away from home against top end of the table.  If we could score we’d be dangerous.  But if we could score, we’d probably be in their half of the field, which didn’t happen a lot to be honest.  From the 1^st minute, when Forest had a penalty appeal turned down, we were up against it.  Not that they were as dangerous as the media made out – yes, Steele saved a few, but apart from a diving save from a point blank header, 1^st half, they were mostly saves I’d expect him to make.  And he did flap at a couple of crosses (again) but together with centre halves Crainie and Wiseman, he kept us in the game.  That and the woodwork (4 times).

The midfield never kept the hold of the ball and when panicked clearances upfield landed to Scotland and O’Grady….or Dagnall and Harewood…they couldn’t hold it up long enough for the midfield cavalry.

*** Steele.  Save after save.  Woulda had a perfect score if he could catch a ball.
** Cranie.  Preverbial rock in defence.  Best DEFENDER we have.
* Wiseman.  Solid partnership with Crainie.

Despatches:
Decent turnout from Barnsley and it’s a shame our Thatcher-loving element weren’t there to join in with ‘Maggie Maggie Maggie DEAD DEAD DEAD’ which I thought was catchy enough to join in.  And I’d have also loved some Londontyke company for the journey back, as a) I had to leg it even to catch the train (that was a close shave) and b) it was held up just after Luton for an hour and a half due to a power failure on the line.  Probably not enough public subsidy, I say. And I didn’t have enough money for a beer AND a chocolate bar.  Three bloody pence short.  Barstewards.  Drink du jour: one can of Stella.

Pre-match, nice walk around Trent Bridge, before meeting Dave in ‘the famous Trent Bridge Inn’ (never heard of it) for a couple.  Pleasant, though a noticeable lack of Barnsley shirts, which concerned me a little.

As for the players, who’s this Andrai (sp?) Jones?  For them not there, I’ll tell you how bad he is.  In a season when Hill (then Flitcroft) would pick anyone in defence ahead of Hassell, this bloke has never had a game.  (If he’s brand new, apologies.)  As a right back, apart from one second half tackle, all I can see he does is stand off the opposition by 6 yards, allowing the player to do whatthehell he likes with the ball.  The best I can say is that this confuses the opposition, who don’t quite know what to do with being able to do whatever they like.  He was so bad, Forest didn’t even TRY and attack Kennedy on the other wing in the 1^st half.  And then there’s Kennedy himself.  Just ask Caton how poor his deadballs are. Once or twice we even got up the park and earned corners, but what’s the point if your left footer (that’s not a euphemism – I think) is going to dink in a nice little outswinger.  Can someone with a right foot bang it in, please?  And then, last kick of the game, we had the chance to nick it.  Free kick outside the box, up pops Kennedy to tamely deflect it off the wall.

Having said all that, what an effort.  We must be down to our last 15 players.  Key individuals such as Golbourne, Hassell, Foster all out injured…Dawson suspended…yet to see our lot battle on…and on…and still we have that chance of staying up.  These players are giving their ALL and deserve all the support they get.  Yes, we might still go down, but not without a fight – and that’s what counts.  All we need to do is beat Hull and Hudders.  It's in our own hands.

Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!

Barnsley 0-6 Charlton Athletic, Saturday 13th April 2013

‘We’re having a party cos Thatcher’s dead.’

2013 GCSE Maths exam.  Team A has just played away at the champions-elect and the side 4^th in the table, conceding one goal in 180 minutes.  How many will Team A concede at home to Team B, who are in the middle of the table, with nothing to play for and with their summer holidays in sight?

Of course, the answer is half a dozen.  There’s been many, many matches this season where we’ve walked out of the ground thinking ‘well, if we go down, THAT’S the match wot’s relegated us’.  Washday home and away, Birmingham home, Blackburn home…Peterboro away.  But yesterday topped them all.  Beaten by six and Dawson sent off for violent conduct, thereby missing 3 of the last 4 matches.

And yet it all started so well.  The team came out the tunnel, no-one fell over and we went over 3 minutes without conceding a goal.  Even by the 4^th minute the writing had been on the wall, Kennedy already being ripped to pieces down the left and it was from there the goal was created. A ball was laid back, the cross was whipped in and Dawson dived to head it away and missed it completely.  The snapshot came in, Steele parried and their bloke reacted quickest.  0-1.

After 20 odd minutes it was 0-2, their players going through 3 or 4 weak willed lily-livered challenges on the edge of the box before drilling home.  Yet still we had hope.  It was only 2, if we pulled a goal back, etc etc.  And at least the manager had made a tactical change: bringing on Scotland for Polish Tom.  Even renowned miserablist Marshall Snr. referred at half time to that ‘being our bad half’.  How little we all knew.

2^nd half, briiliant, the players have had a talking to, we are really gonna take the game to Charlton this half, show them what Barnsley have been about since the turn of the year.  Or repeat the process of the 1^st half and concede an early comical goal.  And so it was that we failed to cut out a cross from their left and Steele went wandering, possibly anticipating the cross and ending up underneath it as it flew to the backpost for a simple header.  Has any team in the existence of football conceded as many goals on the backpost as we have?

It’s soon 4-0 too as a shot straight at Steele goes through him.  Absolutely appalling and Steele spent 20 seconds with his face in the turf, angry, embarrassed, gutted.  I know the feeling.

So, ok, it’s 4-0 and we’ve almost certainly lost.  But an eternal optimist does think there’s always a chance (remember Newcastle v Arsenal last year?) but that hope is positively extinguished when Dawson sees red for a foul in midfield.  I thought it was harsh, it looked like he went for the ball, but Salisbury (who probably had a better view) says he scissored him and had to go.  So now it was a case of how many would Charlton get?

Weirdly, we then had our best period of the game, one goalmouth scramble involving 3 or 4 shots being blocked.  It was that kind of day – Mellis had one cleared off the line in the 1^st half too. Nothing went for us, everything went for them, but they deserved it, pressurising our players a la Barnsley.

The nap hand came when Hassell finally did some defending and blocked 2 shots, only for the ball to roll out left to a loose Addick who Wiseman couldn’t be bothered to track back for.  Nil bloody five at home.  At this point I seriously worried they might beat my record BFC home defeat – THAT game against Chelsea.  But they had Vialli that day.  Who do Charlton have?

Thankfully, Kennedy takes one for the team and prevents a 6^th, not by some quality defending but by being outpaced and taking out their player who’d be clean through.  Thank god.  Kennedy was woeful all day and him missing the next game was about the brightest part of this game.  Ok, so we don’t have another left back at the club, but anyone, ANYONE must be better than Kennedy based on today.  (Paul Gibbs?)

And what’s this?  We’re down to 9 men, we have 3 centre forwards on the pitch and Foster goes up front on his own.  He’s obviously injured – he can’t move, just stands on the centre spot.  All the subs are on so we’re essentially playing with 8 players, so it’s no surprise when Charlton notch again.  Steele saves 2 one-on-ones (too late now, Luke!) and the ball drops for Fuller to curl home from the edge of the box.  The rout is complete.

***  No-one.
** Foster.  Everyone else in defence looked calamitous.
* O’Grady.  Strong, looked promising

Despatches:  what could’ve been done differently?  Everything.  For me, I’d have had Kennedy off early, maybe switched Hassell or Wiseman across…and I’d have had Mellis off for O’Brien.  What with our game being based on putting opponents under constant pressure, we cannot afford to have Mellis strolling around looking fancy.  What does he bring to our midfield?  I’ll tell you what he brings – the ability to make disguised passes, as, just when the opposition think he’s going to thread a ball through the middle, he squares it 10 yards.  Priceless.  He reminds me of McFrail, but without the left foot.

Mind, Dawson was also off the pace (and that was BEFORE his ‘tackle’) and Perkins had one of those games, where his midgety little self was bullied out of it.  Dagnall’s runs also all came to nought, so he might as well have not been there and…and…and.  Christ, what’s the point?   They were all s***.

Drinks du jour:  Would sir like a vodka and orange, vodka and cranberry or a gin and tonic?  Ice and a slice?  Yes please, but there’s no ice, so a slice of lime only.  Thanks to Salisbury, who as ever, had the knife he gets from mummy to make his sarnies with.

And naturally, we had to share a carriage with a bunch of Charlton fans.  Given Tim’s filthy mood after the match, I really feared for them, but everyone chilled the f*** out once drinks were served.

One plus side to this drubbing.  With 2 easy home games against midtable Charlton and Derby to come, our cantor to safety would be an anti climax, after the battle we’ve had to stay up this season.  So I’m pleased, cos I’ll tell you how it’s gonna be.  A draw v Derby, beaten at Forest, before we turn over a Hull side (literally) still drunk from their promotion success and then watch a Huddersfield side who are safe themselves roll over and have their tummies tickled in front of 4000 .

In fact, I is gonna wait till after the defeat at Forest before putting my tenner on that we’ll stay up.  Maximise the odds, like.

Sorted.

Borussia Mönchengladbach 1-0 SpVgg Greuther Fürth, Saturday 6th April 2013

Borussia Mönchengladbach 1-0 SpVgg Greuther Fürth, (Bundesliga)

Fearful of a sellout, we got there early. Too early. The stadium wasn’t actually open and the only people sharing the bus from the railway station (#17, stand 4) turned out to be stadium stewards, resplendent in their club jackets. Doh. Thankfully, there was much to be admired around Borussia Park, such as…an enormous club shop, a branch of Aldi and some other supermarket or other. That was it. This place is in the middle of nowhere, miles from the centre of town and anything approaching a bar. Still, there was a café in the supermarket, and thank god there was too, since it was bloody freezing outside.

Talk about getting in early...

Still, it wasn’t all bad news. Despite the ticket booths not being open 4 hours before KO, it turned out one could buy tickets in the club shop. 2 tickets for the seats, please. (I was treating Sarah). Sorry, only standing left. Excellent! At least I tried, and I now only had to part with €29 (€14.50 each). This was the opposite of Hannover, where previously the (cheap) standing was sold out but seats were-a-plenty.

There was a reason no-one stood here

So it was then, 50 odd thousand packed Borussia Park for the visit of rock bottom Greuther Fürth (and they didn’t bring a lot). We stood at the top of the terrace (Nord Kurve?), not wanting too many flags interrupting our view of the pitch. Initially, we’d stood above a gangway. Perfect – what a view! But I should have known there was a rabbit off when no-one else had got there first. Sure enough, 5 mins later a man and a (big) drum hung his instrument (ooh-err missus) over its balcony. Time to move.

Fabulous stadium (though I’m not too keen on the ‘spiders’ legs’ decorating the outside). The Nord Kurve, a huge terrace behind the goal, with seats above, while in the far (SE) corner, another chunk of terracing was cut out of the seating for the away fans, with their seats next to them. While a few hundred Fürth fans gathered on the terrace, you’d be lucky if two dozen took up the seats. So there WERE seats to be had!

Borussia Park, home of Borussia.

Another disease picked up from the World Cup...

The teams come out

Borussia also had not one cheerleader willing the fans on, but two. And as I settled into the error-strewn nature of this game, I got to wondering: are there awards in the Bundesliga for bestest / keenest / loudest cheerleader? Cos these two weren’t as good as I’ve previously witnessed. Half the time, it looked an afterthought as to what they were there for. And when they did start something off, they quickly stopped to turn around and see the action, hoping the fans would continue. On the whole, they didn’t. The Nord Kurve wasn’t the liveliest home end I’ve ever seen in Germany, despite the numbers. Maybe most of them were yearning for a seat???

Gotta stay warm

A female ultra

A male ultra

As I said, the match was poor. It looked like nothing-to-play-for versus going-down. Yet Borussia were chasing a Europa League place. (Perhaps, like in England, it’s seen as some kind of poisoned chalice?) Fürth broke again and again but had no pace up front, while both sides tried to outdo each other in poor passing. In the end, an awful game was decided in a few second half minutes. Fürth had a man sent off (two yellows, two poor tackles) and Borussia scored on a counter. Another poor pass was so poor it missed the intended recipient and tempted the Fürth keeper into a kamikaze run out of goal. The left winger, beating him to it, simply knocked the ball inside for De Jong to sidefoot into an empty net. The kind of goal your nan could have scored.

Prowling the touchline

I'm liking the branded goal nets

Half time.  Yes, that is a horse (foal) in goal.

Still, 10-man Fürth countered several times and were well worth a draw were they not quite so bad. This left them something like 15 points off safety with 6 games left. It showed. After the match, something resembling the horrific queue at West Ham’s tube station awaited us, as thousands of fans waited for buses to the city centre. Being Germany, there was a subtle difference: bus upon bus arrived and we can’t have been waiting for longer than 20 minutes. There’s a lot to be said for this ‘efficiency’ malarkey. (Can someone also tell Southern Trains that Brighton’s home games finish about 5pm and to have a few carriages on, pls?) At Mönchengladbach station, Sarah noticed a couple of ‘football specials’, taking fans to Düsseldorf and Duisburg. THAT, dear boy, is service.

Attendance: 50,206

Barnsley 2-0 Leicester City, Monday 1st April 2013

‘Are we going to stay up?’  ‘No.’

After the Washday debacle, the Super Reds show what supporting this lot is all about as they go on to destroy a play-off chasing Foxes side who’d even had an extra days rest over the Easter w/end.  Like it wasn’t enough to have the most expensively assembled side in the division.  God, did they look poor.  Right from the off we were at ‘em, encapsulated by our early goal.  Wiseman steps out to intercept, then gets his head down, runs down the wing and drills a low ball across the goal for their centre half to lash home.  A finish of which our forwards can only marvel.  (Actually, that statement doesn't work these days does it?  Nevermind, never let facts get in the way of a good comment.)

Chances then came and went, before O’Grady capped an awesome performance (can you see who DIDN’T play 2 days earlier!?) by powering home a one-on-one after a smart move. Scotland then had a weak penalty saved after a foul on Perkins and just to make sure Steele didn’t have an empty afternoon, momentum then swung Leicester’s way and Steele made a couple of one-on-one saves, like we’re used to.  Overall, I’d have said 6-3 woulda been a fair result, though both managers agreed that we coulda won by 5 or 6.  The only question is whether Leicester will wait till the season’s end to give Pearson the bullet, cos his lot have NO chance of promotion on this showing.

*** O’Grady.  Sponsors MOTM too.  Held the ball up, initiated attacks, cool finish. Quietened down in the last 20 mins, as they all did (Steele excepted).

** Wiseman.  When not marauding down the right he was covering the centre halves when Leicester broke.

* Hassell.  Held the defence together, even after Foster came on to try and ruin all the previous good work.

Despatches: 

Crainie was also excellent.  Shame his injury allowed Foster to come on and about the 1^stthing he did was get pulled to the wing then get outpaced, allowing their bloke clean through.  Steele to the rescue.  That coulda been a tricky last 15 or so.  I read the Chron and now I realise why Hassell is finally getting a game - the manager was bleating about only having 5 fit defenders.  (Still, am as amazed as anyone that Foster is the 5th!)

Will we stay up?  My dad, he say no.  But given we only beat sides at the top....and most of our games are against sides at the top...you never know.

Drink du jour.  Me and Andy polished off a bottle of vodka with premium M&S jus d’orange. Then back at St P, you know when Andy’s got work next day – I’ve never seen him drink a pint of tap water before.  Pussy.

Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Washday 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 30th March 2013

I can't figure which headline is worse, so choose your own:
‘Piggies bring home the bacon’ or ‘Saturday is Washday as Barnsley are taken to the cleaners’ 

Disaster.  If we go down it’s cos of these ba5tards.  Home and away we’ve played this bunch off the park and home and away we’ve lost.  This was particularly galling given they opened the scoring when we were well on top – both on the pitch and in the stands.  It looked so easy.  They’d hoof the ball back to us at every opportunity, we’d play around them, and with Scotland on for Dagnall, it looked a matter of time before we scored.  Then we were suckered.

Kennedy went wandering up the pitch (he’s not fast, he needs a head start) and the ball was played neatly behind him.  The ensuing low cross was put on a plate for Madine to slide home.  It was the only bit of football from Washday the whole match (why didn’t they try it more often?)  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I’m given to believe Washday consider themselves something of a ‘footballing’ team.  Well, they spent most of this match banging long balls to the edge of our box, hoping to feed off scraps.  Perhaps they’d done their homework, what with our lack of a commanding centre half.

The 2^nd goal was more like.  Another hoof forward, this time from a centrally located free kick, and their left back steals in behind Wiseman to head home .  Criminal.  NO team should concede from a free kick there.  On closer (TV) inspection, Steele has to take the blame, the guy headed in from about 6 yards out from a 40 yard hoof.

The ref then nearly makes it 3-0 with a comedy penalty award.  From where we were (opposite end) it looked abit harsh, with the ball smashing into Hassell.  On telly it looked OUTRAGEOUS, as the ball smacked into his FACE while his arms were down by his SIDE. So it wasn’t even the right trajectory.  Well played the linesman, too, who obediently said F.ALL.  Rule number one of Ref Club – don’t make the other look ridiculous by communicating and ensuring you come to the correct decision.  Madine sheepishly shot wide.  Odejayi-esque.

There was still time for the ref to TRY and even it up tho, giving their bloke a 2^nd yellow for encrochement – the 1^st yellow I’ve seen for this bookable offence in YEARS.  Along with goalkeepers holding the ball for more than 6 seconds and diving off their line for penalties before the ball is kicked, I thought it was the rule that time forgot.  Oh, and that other thing I find irritating, taking throw-ins from nowhere near where the ball went out.

Anyways, Mellis bagged a smart effort from the edge of the box and we had 5 minutes of never really coming close before those blue and white stripey ba5tards could celebrate.

*** Marlon.  Excellent battling up front.  In particular, I like his ability to beat players by going THROUGH them.  The amount of times he got tackled, yet still came away with the ball, was obscene.  Strong as an ox.
** Perkins.  Lots of good tackling.
* Mellis.  Scored and, although losing quite a bit of ball, it was usually while TRYING to do something, ie, taking players on, not simply passing the ball sideways.

Despatches:
Reuben came on and had one especially brilliant effort tipped over.  Could be coming back at just the right time.  Blamed by some for not tracking back for the 1^st goal tho.

‘Where did Bobby play this week?’ (Sarah).  Centre half.  Foster left on the bench.  Hurrah. About time.  While Bobby’s not the biggest, I can’t lay either of their goals at the feet of the centre halves.  As for Kennedy, he’s never a left back.  Where’s Golbourne!!??

A pleasant pre-match pint in the Fat Cat (I can see the appeal) but the highlight of my day was Selwood flagging down a taxi outside Hillsborough after the match, meaning I didn’t have to spend any more time in their little piggy company than I had to.  My god, I hope they go down – with or without us.  And of course, to compound matters, every other cnuting team at the bottom won and now we’re last but one.

F***ing f*** f***.

Drink du jour: M&S Belgian lager.  (Note to Andy: make sure you bring your bottle opener next match, mine’s broken).

ps, good to know the Reds crowd are such fans of Dutch techno pioneers 2 Unlimited.  I do love that chant:  Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon Harewood.  Jason, Jason Jason, Jason Jason, Jason Jason Scotland to the tune of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No LImit'. You know the one – TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO!!!  Number 1 in the charts before the Bluebells ‘Young At Heart’  No?  Oh well…

Barnsley 1-0 Watford, Saturday 16th March 2013

‘Donovan?  A Doner VAN would be more useful.’

Oh Bobby Hassell, you are the love of my life…GET IN THERE MY SON.  Another week, another seat on the bench for Sir Bob.  But what’s this?  Long Throw Rory (Rory ra ra ra) gets himself injured early on and the Ginger Prince finds himself on the park at right back. And things go from good to great when he only goes and bags the only goal of the game, a free header from a free kick.  F***ING YES!!!  Aside from that, Bob didn’t have the best of games, getting booked for being slower than he thinks he is and kicking some bloke in the air after being sold (well) short.  Much improved though after the break, as he and Wiseman swapped and Hassell proved…sorry SHOWED, cos Hassell simply can’t PROVE owt to this manager…that he looks comfortable in the middle of defence and can play with anyone (today:  Crainie).

Anyway, we were the better team throughout.  Watford may be 2^nd (they didn’t look it) but we bossed it.  It was yet another example of a 2^nd division team being unable to pass it around when we pressed them.  These are not Man City (or Swansea, when they battered us last year).  Perkins won plenty of ball, but I lost count of how many times they’d try to cut inside Etuhu and he’d just nick it off them.  Do they never learn?  (No.)  Unfortunately, we weren’t quite as good IN possession as we were out of it, though we created what chances there were.

*** Crainie.  Won absolutely everything, stepped forward to intercept balls, laid balls off to team mates.  A supreme performance at centre half.

** Etuhu.  As above.  Sponsor’s MOTM.

* O’Grady.  Held the ball, put himself about, took alot of physical from Watford, coulda scored.  Shoulda scored?

Despatches:
Here’s a question.  How much would you take to sell Mellis?  This came up on the train. The answers were a) 5 million, b) 3 million, c) 2 million or d) £250,000?  To my mind, a bloke who’s in and out of Barnsley’s team can’t be worth more than a quarter of a mill, but based on a decent half at Man C (after they’d won the game) and a decent game out wide yesterday (cos he ain’t good enough to be in the middle) he’s worth millions.  In the words of Dave Selwood ‘Tha knows nowt.’  We weren’t even drunk (well, I wasn’t.)

Good job we DID bloody win tho.  By my reckoning, the bottom 11 teams recorded 8 wins and a draw.  And one of the 2 defeats was against another of the bottom 11 (Bristol at Wolves).  Still, for those doom mongers who feared the worst when we had the top 7 to play of our last 11 games…well, we’ve now beaten 2 of them.  It’s playing sh*te at the bottom (like Washday) who'll cause us problems.

Drink du jour:  No messing about today, none of your running out of spirits by Peterboro…a bottle of JD and a bottle of vodka pls, between about 5 of us.  Dave stuck to some weak bitter, fearful of the consequences.  Not that I drank much.  I just wasn’t feeling on form all day (heavy night).

Great atmosphere at Oakwell too.  Don't worry...'bout a thing!

Manchester City 5-0 Barnsley, Saturday 9th March 2013

Manchester City 5-0 Barnsley, FA Cup 5th Round, att. 46,728

Welcome to ....

Appalling.  Gutless.  Spineless.  Those are 3 adjectives I’d have (un)happily used yesterday, having seen us out of the game in 10 mins and Man City out of sight after half an hour.  But I’ve calmed down a bit since, which will make for a much more boring match report, I’m sure.  Besides, what do we have to complain about?  The Super Reds only delivered what we expected – getting a proper ar5e kicking from a side containing the odd world class individual (Carlos Tevez hattrick anyone?), nevermind Premiership class.  But I guess when you’ve spent a £100 (£70 on a train journey – cheers Virgin) before you’ve even kicked off, you rather hope your team will hold out for a bit longer than 10 minutes.  And we coulda been a couple down before City DID score.

A (former) Londontyke looks especially pleased with his new purchase.

And so it was that our eagerly awaited quarter final became 90 minutes of depression with Reds fans going down like their team, without a fight.  The atmosphere in the away end was like a home game at times.  As Loko said, at least Dirty Leeds went down singing and chanting.  We whimpered our way to defeat.

Pre or post match? - you decide.

Alcohol’s a funny thing tho, innit?  I’m pleased I watched the highlights today, cos I had no memory of us having a shot on target.  Turns out we had 3.  And one of them was even part of a slick one-touch move involving Mellis, probably the only Reds player who didn’t look totally out of place on the Etihad pitch.  Shame we woz already 3-0 down by the time he appeared.   I also have no recollection of getting off the train at Euston, but Sarah reckons I ‘disappointed a little Andy who was hoping to go for another beer.’  Does he never learn???

The teams line up.

And so this week’s MOTM award shall go, in order of best pub to:

***  Euston Tap.  You know them big stone things outside Euston, with the names of places the train goes to inscribed onto their walls? (no?  Oh well.)   Turns out they’ve been turned into tiny tiny pubs with hand-crafted beer or somesuch.  Fabulous choice of beer (sorry Tim, no Fosters) and a spiral staircase.  I have a new favourite pub!

**  The 2^nd pub we went in at Manchester.  Good choice of beer and busy but not packed. Shame about ‘no football colours’.  What colours are NOT  football colours?  Puice? Turqoise?

*  The 1^st pub in Manchester.  After the debacle of changing pubs cos of ‘liveliness’ at our original choice, it was a relief to actually get a beer.

In real terms:
*** No-one.  How can anyone get a MOTM award chasing shadows?
** Mellis.  At least had the confidence to pass and move when he had the ball.
* Perkins.  Chased shadows as well as anybody!

Lambs about to be slaughtered.

On the plus side, Sarah bought some nice wool (£24 for 3 balls – Christ!) from the shop across the road from the pub, so it wasn’t like the day was a total waste.  And she was very pleased to see Yaya.  'There's only one Yaya!'  Personally, I was very pleased to see Bob and Craig.  Just a shame Bob wasn't coming back with us, cos our meeting was all too brief!

Misc:
Stephen Foster.  The fastest he moved all day was in grabbing a City player to swap shirts with at the end.  Pathetic.

The away contingent.

Dear Mr Rowing, (BFC club secretary)

as a letter to the Chron a couple of weeks ago said…..if you let big groups of friends buy tickets together for these type of games, it might enhance the atmosphere.  Instead, there were 3 Londontykes here, 4 there, a couple over there…etc  I mainly had an increasingly angry Loko trying to pick arguments with folk in front or behind.  I sat there, resigned.

Oh, and I hope Slacki managed to avoid knowing the score and had to sit at home watching the whole dreadful fiasco.  I wish I’d had a ‘fast forward’ button yesterday.

Bottom of the table and out of the cup.  I feel a bit of D:ream coming on...

The home end (the Bell End?)

Admiring the sweep of the stands

The tunnel side

Au revoir, City.  Who knows when we'll meet again?

Welcome to...(II)

Barnsley 2-3 Bolton Wanderers, Saturday 2nd March 2013

'I like my pubs like I like my women - ROUGH!'

The pre-match meet 'n' greet.

Morning all.  At half past one of a Sunday morn, amazingly awake rather than fallen asleep on the bus/in front of MOTD/The Football League Show (waiting for Barnsley) I am here. Alive.  Raring to go.  Now.  Well, cup of coffee and bowl of porridge on table, Boards of Canada in background (Geogaddi).  Slacki/Salisbury - they're a bit like Foo Fighters, but not s***.

Well, I'm a tad busy.  Walking/staggering home (for 2 weeks in a row I've made the mistake of having an extra couple of beers with Andy once the train reached civilisation) I realised that, actually, for once, my Sunday consists of beyond watching the MOTD I fell asleep during (yet recorded), the Football League Show I missed (yet recorded) and the washing up while listening to Cerys on 6 Music (after watching recordings of the previous).  Turns out it's Jake's 1st birthday party and I'm spending Sunday as I've done the day before - on the lash.  Does (did) anyone else spend their son/daughter's 1st birthday hiring a pub for their friends to drink beer?  Or just my mate Harriet? (Some of you will know her.  Molly - I believe you once arm-wrestled her on what was the Firkin pub on Euston Road).  Anyway, anyone wanting to drink beer and feel all 'God's country' is invited to the Yorkshire Grey (WC1) tomorrow, from 1pm, to imbibe.

The Trotters.

The match?

Christ.  It was like Keith Hill all over again, but without the passing (!!).  At least in the old days we could go side - side - backwards - hoof forward from Steele.  Today, 1st half, we couldn't even do THAT.  The 1st half was appalling.  It took us 4 minutes and 50 seconds to control a ball in their half.  Yes, I know, cos I looked at the scoreboard.  Some good news tho - it was still nil-nil.  Not for long.  Our (latest) hapless centre back partnership failed again and gave Ngog a tap-in.  So Steele spitefully saved it, but thankfully it went straight back to Ngog to side foot home.  Not a defender in sight - as I like it.

We blundered around for 20 minutes or whatever (who cares) and then a weak clearance brought a 20 yarder from the edge of the box into the bottom corner.  Round of applause that man.  Least, me and a few east upper bods gave him a round of applause, cos a) it was a good finish and b) at this stage of proceedings, it looked like that was as good as it was gonna get - them scoring a decent goal.

We trudge off at HT dispirited, depressed and outclassed.  Naturally, the manager made no changes to personnel and the team came out TRANSFORMED.  Within 8 minutes we were level.  The Polish bloke scores a soft 20 yarder (I'm sure Bogdan didn't see it till late cos of the number of players in the box) and then the keeper drops one for O'Grady to tap in.  For 5 minutes I get to feel like a medieval soothsayer, having told the 10 year old I'm babysitting for (true) at half time 'don't worry, we're kicking towards the home end this half, we're bound to score 3.'  I believe sarcasm should be taught early.  The crowd's rapturous response is soon killed when Bolton grab what proves to be the winner.  Steele drops a free kick straight into AN Other Wanderer and it's 2-3.  Was it a foul in the 1st place (dunno), did Bolton nick a few yards when taking it (yes) do I feel sympathy for Steele, what with a left footer and a right footer waiting to take the free kick (obviously).  Most Reds fans tho will blame Steele despite his saving of 2 one-on-ones and general all-round safe hands.  Boooo, rubbish, Steele!

And then we spend 20/30 minutes dinking cute little crosses in for bigger defenders than we have forwards to head away.  Yes, that's YOU, Polish bloke and Kennedy.  Anyone else not there - check out the corner count.  I don't know how many we chipped in for big blokes to head and/or Bogdan to catch.  Embarrassing.  And before everyone blames O'Brien/Kennedy:  we have no-one on the keeper, and we're aiming at midgets. TAKE A F***ING SHORT ONE.  It'll be the closest we come to being Barcelona, that's for sure.  Hilariously, despite winning every header all day, Bolton bring on ex-Boro GIANT David Wheater to 'bolster' their defence late on.  Christ on a bike.

The Happy Wanderers.

Despatches:
The Bobby Hassell 'situation' is starting to nark me now.  I can handle it when the manager (and previous) who know far more than I ever will, that Bobby is not the answer.  But when the unconscious Etuhu comes back and plays like he still is, while McNulty is dropped to give Wiseman a run out, while Kennedy pretends he's a left back, while we have no defensive midfield cover.....if you can tell me that Bobby Hassell's sole existence is to be 15th choice (any position), well.....if I was him, I'd turn to God too.  I don't normally make it my business to feel sorry for 'believers' (that's their job on me, right?) but in this case I have to make an exception.  I would rather see my money wasted on seeing Bobby struggle (but die trying, dammit) than any of this lot.

Etuhu - see above.  F***ing dreadful.  Did a job filling in for Dawson in MIDFIELD but can't defend, nor run up a wing with the ball.  But brings way more to the Barnsley team than Sir Bobby of Hassell ever will.  Ever.  (Head in hands.)

Crainie/Wiseman - please don't play these 2 at the same time.  They look so alike I can't decide who to blame.  Lets play safe and say WISEMAN - YOU'RE F***ING S***.  Things must be bad, cos there I was at HT, having a p*** (I was in the toilet, I'm not an animal) and some guy goes 'what the f*** is Wiseman doing centre half.  He can't play centre half.  He might be a right back, he's not a centre half.'  Well, mister (I had my hands full, so I couldn't talk), from memory, he's not a right back either.  But one thing I DO know - he's better than Bobby Hassell (cos Keith and David have told me so).

O'Grady:  PURRLEASE.  There's a reason why he can't get a game for Sheffield Wednesday.  You'll have to work this one out for yourselves.  (Clue: it does not involve Washday having amazing centre forwards)

To business:
*** Perkins.  Ran around, looked busy, looked like he WANTED it.  Never actually did anything WITH it.  Sponsors MOTM.
** Polish bloke.  Scored, good movement, then spent last half hour perfecting the art of 'dink.'
* Steele.  Made 2 or 3 great saves yet will be remembered for the winner.  Balls.

Further despatches:
I guess Flitcroft has a master plan, dropping Harewood and Scotland for the Washday One, but really, it's one or the other to partner Dagnall.  If this really is a master plan, and we turn over Burnley on Tues, and Man C next week, I am truly an idiot (you can copy and paste this sentence FOREVER).  Having seen today, Manchester City must be quaking in their boots.*

*sarcasm.

ps, not entirely 'must know' but the drink du jour was Finlandia and Tropicana (orange) and journey home was enlivened (sort of) by a Celtic fan sticking his nut on some Dirty Leeds oik.  A small posse of white sh*te had been baiting this bloke (mainly a woman, the size of a bungalow, who would NOT shut the f*** up).  Sadly, I had my back to the 'action' tho I was amused to hear even Bungalow Lil tell him to 'sid down'.  Altho he was a young lad, and a bit of a chubster, my spies (Reed, Salisbury - ex-KGB) tell me the Scottish bloke was a brick outhouse and would've killed said oik.

Bristol City 5-3 Barnsley, Saturday 23rd February 2013

The Camberwell verdict is in. 

‘That was the sh*ttest 5-3 I’ve ever seen.’

My god.  What a horror show.  8 wins in 9 and we concede 5 to a side at the bottom of the league. Only Barnsley.

Like the Wolves game, we looked disjointed without a left wing back.  Flitcroft played Kennedy left back, again, and gave the disaster that is Jim McNulty a run out.  (His career must feel like Groundhog Day.  Doing well at Brighton, he gets injured and finds himself surplus to requirements upon his return, and so it is here.  He’s been awful ALL season.)  Oh, and with Delap somewhere out right and with Crainie and Foster in the middle, and Wiseman on the bench, I make Bobby Hassell approximately 8^th choice to get a game in our defence.  A defence which let in 5 against rock bottom Bristol City.

It was an odd game.  1^st 10 mins, they ran riot down our left, then we got to grips and pretty much ran the match.  I can forgive the 1^st goal – their bloke clearly climbs all over our defender, before Stead headed home.  The ref blew his whistle, pointed to the penalty area…I wondered why the Bristol fans were still cheering, he’d obviously disallowed it.  But he hadn’t.  The start of a very bad day.

Thereafter, the game reminded me of a school match (our championship-winning year, natch) I remember from yesteryear.  We were playing our big rivals away and the star striker missed a couple of early chances.  They then scored with every shot they had (6) before said star striker bagged a couple late on before blaming everyone else for our defeat.  Well, BFC on Satdy missed early chances, they started bagging, then after the game was lost, started scoring.  And so it was, that if you ignore Bristol’s 1^st four goals, we won 3-1 and looked like we’d score every time we touched the ball.

At 4-0, Hicksy and Loko had seen enough, but before they even got out of the ground, we’d pulled one back.  It was amusing to see their about-turn back into the stands (‘we can see you sneaking IN!’)  The goal itself was a scrappy effort, the ball being cleared from behind the line before an onrushing Tunnicliffe (I think) putting it in.  I see the goal has since been given to O’Grady, so presumably it was he who knocked it over the line in the 1^st place, though I swear the linesman hadn’t given it, so without the 2^nd effort, I don’t think it woulda stood.

2^nd goal was a great finish by Polish Tom, burying it for the edge of the box as he ran in, and the 3^rd was another low finish from the edge of the box from the outstanding Scotland.  HE’LL be playing in this division next season, even if we’re not.

Unfortunately, time and space preclude the description of Bristol’s other goals, beyond that they were ALL THE SAME.  A dead ball is hoofed into our box and forwards who’ve been unable to score all season are like kids in a sweet shop versus Steele, Kennedy, Crainie and McNulty (Foster proving so awful he’d been dragged off in the 1^st half).  How many headers we failed to win was unbelievable.  And we still had the ref to thank for chalking off a 6^th, as the goal of the game (a beautiful curled effort from the edge of the box) was ruled out for a negligible foul on Perkins.

So, was it the worst of the season?  Given what went on before (8 wins in 9, a high level of expectation, capitulation against a crap team), I’d say so.  Tho given that we had most of the match and somehow conceded 5, I think the general opinion was ‘it was just one of them days.’

There was again good support from the fans.  I did like a chant of ‘we can see you sneaking out’ to winning Bristol fans staggering out, unused to success.  And then we retired to the Tobacco Factory for more cider or dark beer (depending on your taste).  At least THAT bit went well.  Then I saved Selwood from accidentally buying 8.5% Oranjeboom at the offy, in favour of something he could handle and we went cans on the way home, baby Oranjeboom (still 5%), Tetleys or Stella.

Oh, and the evening was topped off for me and Andy when we got chatting to a couple of homosexuals in a pub in Paddington.  One of them was a Malteser ‘with learning difficulties’ (his mate said).  Anyway, twas an interesting conversation, tho Mr Reed was bladdered.

Nearly forgot:

*** No-one
** Scotland.  Held the ball, attacked…scored.  What a player!
* Harewood.  Like Scotland, without the goal.

Despatches:
Dagnall looked lost, forced to play wide right.  Tunnicliffe came, saw and disappeared.  And aside from a goalline clearance, it’s true – there IS only one element to Delap’s game.

that is all.

Franchise FC 1-3 Barnsley, Saturday 16th February 2013

'nulla verecundia'

After days, nay, weeks, of meticulous planning, so it was that everyone f***ed off from the pub at Euston early, leaving me and Sarah to hang on for latecomers Gerry and Andy.  I don’t know who was less impressed – Sarah or Andy.  (Gerry didn’t care).  Me – I expect this kind of thing.

I’ve gotta hand it to MK.  Whatever I think of the fact they’re even in the league, it’s an enjoyable day out (isn’t it, Bob?).  Get to the station, walk up the hill to the spacious Wetherspoons, cheap and large choice of ale, no chance of trouble (apart from random Reds seemingly wanting to attract the attention of Plod).  Plus a taxi firm with a fleet of 400 cars – which meant that when Tim ordered 5 taxis they came within 5 mins.  DRINK UP LADS!

10 mins drive to the stadium, fall out the taxi and you’re straight into the ground.  Handily for Gerry, the concourse was level with the entrance, so after a word with a nice steward, he was allowed to sit in a chair designated for invalids.  Gerry even took one for the team, Caton joining him for the match.  (Only joking, P – don’t get a mard on!)

Being that we bought our tickets on the day, we could pick and choose our seats, away from the crowd (3702 Reds fans, since you ask – not including the executive box crew).  So we sat in front of Geraldo and Paul, our like being swelled by Mrs Reed, Molly and wife and Waddington.  Molly appeared on form.  He only has 3 games:  mild mannered, surreal and abusive.  He must feel very comfortable around Mrs Molyneux these days, cos it was Abusive Moll today.  Shouts like ‘you f***ing non-league cnut’ seemingly coming from nowhere.  Sarah went and sat on her own – no, not due to Molly, but ‘I’ve paid for a SEAT!’ while the rest of us stood to our hearts’ content.  May I say, bl**dy comfortable seats too, padded and huge.  It’s not like Old Trafford, where they really pack you in and anyone over 5’2” has an issue.

The match?  What a boring 1^st half.  MK were completely outclassed and we went one up after 3 mins, 2 up after about 19.  We shoulda been outta sight by HT.  Great finishes too.  Dagnall controlled a long ball from Mellis then banged it in from an angle with his left, while Wiseman marauded down the right and pulled it back superbly for Marlon to sweep home.  At HT I texted Andy Jones, saying what we really need is an MK goal, to make life interesting…

So it was.  MK came out fighting.  Quite literally, according to Farnham – the normally jovial Dave getting more and more frustrated by a ref seemingly intent on not booking a Dons player for some outrageous fouls.  (Later, when the ref actually started booking people, he ignored the worst foul of the day, when Scotland broke free and was dragged back.  Ref gave the free kick yet couldn’t comprehend it was a blatant booking.)

We weathered the early storm, then an innocuous clash left Etuhu down and out – literally.  While laid out, he never moved and a stream of medical types ran onto the field.  As he was carted off, still not moving, head in a brace, we feared the worst.  As we now know, he was ok (sort of) but it spooked the Reds players, who proceeded to fall apart.  MK pulled one back (Kennedy at fault – I’m only saying that cos I haven’t had a chance this season) and then Steele had to pull out a sharp reflex save from ‘Leeds scum’ Alan Smith.

However, after that, if anyone was gonna score, it was us on the break.  Every time we had the ball it was 3 v 3 and with 12 minutes injury time signalled, Perkins played the ball through for Dagnall to sprint onto, round the keeper and bury it into the net, right in front of us.  F***ING YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Quarter finals here we come, Millwall home please.

And later on, our day was made, when Smith went in for a challenge with his elbow and was sent off.  WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM, WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM.  Perfick.  I've since seen it on telly, and although their manager is right when he says he didn't elbow him in the head, you can see he tries to elbow our player (Delap?) in the midriff.  Is it only violent play if you elbow someone in the HEAD, Mr Robinson?

*** Super Chrissy Dagnall.  Scored 2, created havoc.  What a player!
** David ‘Perky’ Perkins.  Wasn’t always at the top of his game (they were s***), but when he was involved he was making a difference.
* Scott 'The Wise Man' Wiseman.  Why not?  Looked excellent 1^st half, then fell to bits for 10 mins in the 2^nd, before re-composing himself.  Story of the team, really.

Despatches:
Mellis looked pretty good – at this level.  Golbourne played well (again!) and Steele was relatively faultless.  Sign of a great keeper, making THAT save after having little to do.

Sarah’s top 3:
*** Hassell – ‘just because he played’
** Perkins
* Dagnall ‘well, I guess he scored 2’

WE’RE THE FAMOUS BARNSLEY FC AND WE’RE OFF TO WEMBERLEE.  WEMBERLEE, WEMBERLEE….

Chelsea Youth 3-0 Barnsley Youth, Friday 15th February 2013

Chelsea away (Youth Cup) or 'An Audience With Simon Davey'

Well, it even pays to go and watch the juniors these days, even if they were outclassed in the FA Youth Cup and lost 3-0.  Cos, as we waited for a taxi after the match, who else should also be waiting for one but Simon Davey!

It was Starf*cker Tim who spotted him (obviously) and Surreytyke Kim who confirmed it, with a cheery ‘Simon!’ getting him to turn our way.  Like a shark going for the kill, we were in.  The taxi firm handily sent a minibus, so we all jumped in together to the station (well, not Surreytykes, who live about 5 mins from Staines FC!).  Tim, Andy, Simon, his American mate and me then got a train together, before Tim insisted everyone came to the pub at Waterloo for a bevvy.  So, all in all, a good hour (even for Simon – we TRIED to be nice!)

Tis true, I sort of DID insult Davey, but it came out wrong (!)  All I said was that I didn’t think it was him outside the ground, cos he looked fatter than the old Davey….'which was ironic cos I remember at Norwich the fans calling you a fat Welsh ba5tard’.  He took it in good spirit, though his mate thought it was funnier.

Turns out Davey is now coaching 6000 kids in Atalanta, USA and the geezer with him was from his club.  They were over cos Davey was doing the cup draw (the theme was ‘FA Cup folklore’ he told us), their club has links to Chelsea (so they were staying at the hotel next to Stamford Bridge) and they were off to Arsenal the following day (THAT was some game!)  And no, he has no intention of returning, life is good.  Family life is now amazing, without his daughters being teased at school cos ‘daddy is about to get the sack’ (these are the Barnsley years) and there’s no more random tears when the family have their evening meal.  He even showed us a video of one of his daughters being serenaded by her male American high school chums, where she’s obviously very popular (I could see why).

As for what we garnered from Mr Davey, I’ll be boring and put what I can remember into bullet points.

• We turned down £1.2m for JCR from Reading (only to sell him months later for £150k.)
• Davey is adamant playing JCR at central midfield was the right thing to do.  ‘He only scored 2 or 3 a season till I moved him there.’  Our jaws hit the floor.  It wasn’t how WE remembered it!  We didn’t hammer the point tho…as I said, we were on our best behaviour in front of his guest.  Tim mentioned we’d seen JCR play central mid for Jamaica too ‘Exactly!’ said Simon.  ‘And he didn’t play again!’ said I.  The art of diplomacy.
• At BFC a certain board member was constantly undermining him, till he ‘got rid of him after 2 and a half years.’
• Cryne can’t be relied upon either.  After the Reading fiasco, the club had agreed to up JCR’s wage from 2 to 6k a week, but the powers that be always made themselves scarce when it was time to get the contract signed.  JCR was understandably p***ed off.
• He was pleased to get rid of the drinkers in the team….Kay, Austin and Howard.  He said Kay was the worst (best?).
• I asked him about Darlington (my 2^nd team, where he had another dodgy spell) – ‘Hereford and Darlington were run by crooks’, promises constantly broken.

He obviously felt hard done to at Oakwell, being sacked and all.  I did say that he was lucky to get the job in the 1^st place, as I thought the previous manager (Ritchie) was hard done to too.  So what goes around comes around.

We all left on good terms.  Davey posed for a couple of photos and Tim got him to sign an autograph with the next day’s cup draw on it:  2 v 4 (Barnsley v Millwall).  We know how THAT turned out!  All in all, he seemed like a decent bloke.  Not a pushover, confident in his thoughts on football and, I’d say, a steely determination to succeed.


Chelsea 3-0 Barnsley
Completely outclassed, once the 1^st went in, the score was never in doubt.  Having caught a train to Staines, we jumped into a taxi and met up with Surreytykes in a pub near the ground.  A quick beer and off we went to the game.  3 quid in, a pound for a teamsheet.  I’d never heard of any of 'em.  We hung the Londontykes flag up behind the goal, then took up a position beside the dugouts.  When I looked back at the flag, there were a dozen people stood in front of it, when they could have stood ANYWHERE in the ground.  Still, it made it look like we’d travelled in numbers!

Staines have a nice little posh new stand, where 80% of the crowd was.  I’d be hard pushed to say there were more than 300 at the game.  We missed an early chance, then we spent 20 minutes camped in our own half, no danger.  Then, once Chelsea scored, the floodgates opened and we were 3 down in no time.  2 of them were from the edge of the box.  I don’t think we’ll see this keeper play for the 1^st team.  Mind, no-one impressed me much, though I heard a few Chelsea say they thought out left back was tremendous, and Davey said the left winger played well (I suspect they were describing the same player)

So, at half time, off we followed Tim to blag our way into the exec bit.  ‘You need a ticket’ said a jobsworth on the door and Tim duly showed him his London to Staines rail ticket. No, we couldn’t come in.  But, if we walked out of the ground, and back into the stand, we could go in the bar which was built into the stand, part of the swanky gym in there. Now, here’s where a good dose of local knowledge comes in handy, as Kim and Andy knew the building, so we wound our way through its innards and ended up in the exec bit anyway.  We bought a round of drinks  but no, we couldn’t have some free curry, not without a ticket (damn tickets!) but 5 mins later we were in a box of our own, with free curry of our own, served by a man, on his own…and being regaled by the Commercial Director of Staines Town FC (yes, there is such a thing).  Lovely lady she was and for £500 we could have our own board at the ground, 2 free season tickets…etc etc.  My red and white scarf and northern accent was clearly not enough to put her off.  I left £500 lighter (not really).
So it was that we problies saw 15 mins of the 2^nd half from behind a window, before going back out into the chilled air and (me and Tim) standing up at the back of the stand for the rest of the game, taking in a swell view.

Good effort Reds on getting so far - but as Tim said, it was 'men v boys'.  Or slightly better boys v our boys.

Ho hum - MK Dons tomorra!