BFC 1-2 Crewe Alexandra, Saturday 11th October 2015

‘I’ve slept with a horse’ (Andy’s mum)

Defeat this way.

Wow.  You all saw it.  80% of the match was attack v defence and we lost.  The second half, they made it into our half twice, managed a shot on target with one and scored with the other.  We are rubbish.  Johnson plays 4-5-1 (again) like we’re trying to hold Barcelona to a draw in the Camp Nou, yet we’re playing at home to a side at the bottom of division 3 (so I’m told, I haven’t looked at the table since we last won).  Crewe were/are CRAP.  Granted, they play pretty football when they have the ball, but, my god, they are so weak in defence, you’d have to be proper s*** not to score half a dozen against them.  The left back and keeper are as bad as I’ve seen at professional level.  So how s*** must we be??????????????

They score (see below, under ‘hapless goalkeeping’), we realise we now need to score, and run up the pitch and equalise within a minute (it’s THAT easy!) before giving them a late winner.  That is all the synopsis you need.  Stop reading now.

Dunno where the ball is, but it's on the way into the net (Crewe free kick)

*** Pearson of Manchester United.   WTF is he doing at Oakwell?  After patronising us with his efforts last season, I’d hate to see him p*** away his career with a 2^nd stint at a clueless 3^rddivision football club.  Ben – find  a Championship club soon.  Or see your chances of a higher division career fritter away.  Just saying.  Countless interceptions, countless breakdowns of opposition moves.  Then has the temerity to pass to a player wearing red.  So many times, I wish he’d just keep hold of it and dribble it till he lost it, cos passing it to a Barnsley player is only delaying the inevitable.  Twitter MOTM.  Even the technologically-savvy youngsters (for once)  - Loko? - recognise he’s the best player on the park.  By a country mile.  And some more.

** Harris of Cardiff City.  Everything you love in a winger.  Beats players, whips the ball in, is ignored by the rest of the team and is substituted.  Will be playing Championship football before we will.

* Mawson.  Decent game, won headers, read the game well…and I can see why he’s captain – is willing to tell others what to do, eg, we had a free kick wide right, Wubara injured, he called back Scowen to hoof it while he went up top.  I know, small details…but small details win games (not today, granted)  Oh, and he scored a soft header from a corner.

Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Pearson

2. Harris

3. Mawson

The Cost Cutting Clean Cut Crewe Crew (CCCCCC)

Despatches:
One must start with the keeper, that free transfer from Brum whose name escapes me right now (Townsend…I remembered it at the end of the paragraph).  The absolute highlight of my match was in injury time when he trotted up for a corner and I turned to my dad and wondered ‘whether he’d be as sh*t up front as he is in goal’ and he paid me back in spadefuls, as the ball dropped deliciously for him just inside the box and he swung and missed.  I’m sure he conceded 2 goals from their one decent effort, tho Andy swears they had 5 shots on target (official stats)  The 1^st goal, he lined up the wall, covered the gap to one side, then moved right behind the wall while their bloke blasted in to the gap he just left.  I’m reminded of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (I think)…’It’s just a jump to the left right and then a step to the right left, put your hands on your hips'…etc.  Apparently, Mawson told him exactly what he thought.  I was just hoping the ball went through the wall, to save this hapless keeper AKA Teacher’s Pet, the ignominy of the concede.  But if there was a doubt, witness the 2^nd - a ball is crossed from the right and the only place their bloke can hit the target is the near post – where Townsend ISN’T.  I’ve just seen it on telly and there’s no doubt, this is abysmal goalkeeping.  (I’d previously been wondering whether Nyatanga wasn’t tight enough).  Since LJ dropped Davies for no apparent reason (after an OUTSTANDING 2^nd half of last season), I am at a loss to figure out how one can drop a bloke after a 1-2 loss (when neither goal was his fault) while sticking in an untried keeper who’s had at least 3 poor performances in 6 games (and the other 3 he had nowt to do).  Lee: word to the wise.  Your job is now in serious peril.  Do what you need to do, mate.  Or Cryne will.

Unbelievable (if we hadn't seen it all before)

F***, I wasted all that on the keeper.  And I’m quite chilled about him – have a word with Reedy or Slacki.  They come hundreds (ok, dozens) of miles to see that s*** and I have to make the return journey with them.  They’re not happy.

The rest?  Who cares?  But I am willing to offer a theory:  I reckon I could send a team out onto that pitch against ANYONE in division 3 and they’d do a better job than what they’re being told to do by LJ.  You send out a team containing Scowen, Pearson, Harris, Winnall, Nyatanga, Mawson…Hourihane (!)…and just tell them to go out and PLAY….go on, decide YOUR OWN POSITIONS, YOUR OWN FORMATIONS….and I dare them to come up with something worse than I am currently watching.  (Surely everyone knows their best positions??)  I am rapidly becoming of the opinion that our manager is HINDERING our players/team rather than helping them.  I said BEFORE the game that even I could manage us to 11^th in this league with our players…then we lose to a team rock bottom, who’ve scored 7 goals all season (my dad tells me…as I say, I haven’t stared at the table, too depressing).  Without naming said person here (cos this is being copied and pasted onto my blog), Andy Reed had a conversation this morn with the chairman of a 3^rd division side who said he was surprised that a side of Barnsley’s stature had taken on a manager whose track record was so sparse.  Does more need be said?  Crewe, Shrewsbury, Doncaster, Blackpool.  Remember – we have a top 4 budget. No excuses.

The match continues...but the locals have voted with their feet.

ok, I’ll give you the rest of the despatches:  Our players played some nice one touch football, especially the attacking players, yet Hourihane was a f***ing nightmare from the deadball, as anything inswinging never got past the 1^st defender (think Chris Shuker) while anything outswinging was meat and taties to the keeper (till injury time, when young Josh was allowed to take one).    There’s too many things wrong with this team but I’ve got 2 solutions rightaway:  If we insist on 4-5-1, and Ryan Williams is fit, get him in for Hourihane.  And if we DON’T insist on 4-5-1 – just bench Hourihane.  The one thing Johnson calls correctly is that Conor can’t play in a 4-4-2 – so drop the waste of space!

Winnall.  Apart from Townsend’s swing, my other highlight was when Winnall proved it’s easier to beat 2 players in the box than put a ball on target from 8 yards (my dad says 6).  Beat 2 players, then, with the goal gaping, put it wide.  If only he’d been just a little more s*** (or talented), Jacob (Marley) was on the backpost for a tap-in.  Sadly, the ‘effort’ was neither shot nor cross.

The Ponty

Drink du jour: ‘Show me the way to Ameretto’.  A story with a happy ending.  Returning to civilisation (via Doncaster) we find Tesco is no longer.  It’s now B&M (whatever the f*** THAT stands for).  Somehow, our choice of JD turns into ‘Ameretto’ but we recover to have one bottle of undrinkable sweet rubbish (the rest of the bottle is at Slacki’s house) or vodka.  Noticeably, the vodka runs out. One of us runs to Sainsbury to get ice.  

After The Captain commented earlier on my inability to fall asleep on the bus after a game this season …I fell asleep and was awoken by the bus driver in Honor Oak (where?)  Thankfully, the half hour walk home gave me the chance of a McFlurry (Smarties).  So t’was not all bad.  (99p, suckers!)

Away: 136.  I counted ‘em 1^st half (twice) and never got beyond 80.  Which means either I can’t count (probable) or nearly half their crowd hang out in the toilets or hotdog stand (possible).  The proverbial ‘you must have come in a taxi’, bless ‘em.  Went bananas at full time (bless ‘em).  The ‘Cost Cutting Clean Cut Crewe Crew’ (CCCCCC) must have really enjoyed their day out. If one hadn’t seen it all before at Oakwell, they must have really thought they’d got away with it bigstyle today.  Good luck to ‘em, I say.  Bless ‘em.

Barnsley 2-0 Crewe Alexandra, Saturday 21st February 2015

‘Klean Kut Krew Kut Krewe Krew’ (KKKKKK)

A beautiful day for it.

I know many of the customers of BFC (Ltd) were unhappy last week, having been beaten by five goals to one by Crawley Baggage Handlers.  But it’s ok.  Caretaker manager Burton criticised the players, noted how some simply gave up - then promptly picked them again.  So it was, MOTM last week Holgate was binned, as was non-striking on-loan striker Waring (fair enough).  As was NOT ‘Galactico’ (AKA Hourihane, AKA ‘Boorihane’), nor Lewin Nyatanga, whose performance last week was the personification of ‘not giving a s***’.  Or Leroy Lita.  Jesus Christ.  I’d rather not enter a stadium f***ing angry, but there it was.

It was s***.  I have enjoyed precisely ONE home game this season (Bradford, 3-1) and, as Andy was quick to remind me, I could have stayed in London and watched it on Sky.  Actually, now I think about it, I didn’t even enjoy that – how can I get hammered on a Sunday, when I have responsibilities come Monday morn?

The (proper) Crewe Crew.  313 of them.

So, the Crewe Crew.  Holgate dropped, Crainie switched to right back, M’Voto in at centre half with Lewin, Smith given another run at left back.  And Galactico being given a run out at right mid as we go defensive centre (Pearson, Bailey) at home to 17^th placed Crewe, with Scowen left mid.  Don’t worry, Lita and Hemmings will bang them in at the other end.  Christ.  (Have I blasphemed enough yet?)

Half time, 0-0.  If I said f*** all happened, I’d be doing f*** all an injustice.  I’m sure Burton said something about the side being fired up to put last week right.  Boll*cks.  Boorihane is given the heave-ho at half time.  F*** him.  Don’t we have a reserve team to stick him in for a few weeks?  (No.)  Oh, I tell a lie, something DID happen, 1^st half.  A long ball over the top of Nyatanga (GRRRRRRR) leaves their bloke clean through and reserve keeper Davies saves a one-on-one.  Why is Lewin Nyatanga in my team?  Why is Mason Holgate not?  I honestly have NO IDEA.

Camera gantry and Metrodome.

Galactico is taken off.  We have a new signing, a winger from Blackburn who is like a slimmer (!) version of what Jennings used to be; he (tries to) take a player on, he tracks back when he loses it.  He’s not great , but he’s a damn sight better than what we have seen in ‘attack’.  He dribbles the ball out of play 3 times in the 1^st 4 second half minutes, which at least shows that the rest of the side were under instruction to give him the ball.  After 20 mins, without a Boorihane unable to hit the 1^st defender off a dead ball, Scowan lugs a decent centre in for Nyatanga to head home.  Selection justified?  (No.)  The goal is met with general indifference.  I am not kidding.  This is a terrible game.

Crewe refuse to try and score an equaliser.  Decent of them.  They are the latest in a short list of awful teams we have beaten in the last few months (Leyton O, Yeovil).  Crewe manager and ex-Red Steve Davis will apparently do anything to prevent being considered for our poisoned chalice.  No danger, we have extreme nationalist Paulo Di Canio (AKA ‘D.I.Wankio’) lined up.  I can’t wait.

Bloody sunny, bloody cold.  How does that work?

Oh, we score a 2^nd.  I have no idea what happened.  Another corner, the keeper (possibly) fists the ball in the air, Crainie stares at it on the way down and the keeper then punches it into his own net.  Quite, quite bizarre and not quite the way sub keeper Rachubka wished to mark his debut having come on as sub for the injured Garratt.  As I said, the luck was with us.

*** M’Voto.  Won headers and could have broken their guy had their man dared to get in the way of one tackle. He didn’t.

** O’Sullivan.  I s’pose it’d be unfair to give it him for ‘not being Hourihane’ but he did come on, look keen, tried to make things happen.  Like Pearson in his 1^st game.  Opening day at work syndrome?

* Davies. Saved a one-on-one, catched stuff and kicked fine.  Perfection, without having much to do.

Londontykes top 3:

1. Scowen

2. M'Voto

3. Pearson

Offical MotM: Bailey.  Looked a world beater after 5 mins.  Repeatedly won the ball then gave it away thereafter.

Mansford's right.  Even the season ticketholders aren't turning up.

Despatches:
I hope this win doesn’t make for positive management.  In a division where everyone’s much of a muchness, we got lucky (home advantage?)  Awful game.  Can there be a worse forward line than Lita and Hemmings?  (Yes; Lita and Waring)  Luckily, Waring only got 25 minutes.  But how does Lita get a game?  If he’d never scored a pile of goals for someone else years ago, he’d never get a sniff of our 1^st team.  He is RUBBISH.  Certainly worse than Danny Rose, a youngster with potential now learning his trade elsewhere.  Or Oates, who came on in injury time and had more shots on target (one) than every other forward combined in ninety (zero)  We now have an oldster eking out one last pay day before he’s put out to pasture.  (Sorry, being PAID while he’s at pasture.)  Scowen showed promise, good pace, willingness to put a tackle in – but he’s not a wide midfielder.  Do we have a manager?  (No.)  Smith again looked good.  He’ll be out next week, then.

Drink du jour:  JD and coke.  Slack junior insisted.  Dad didn’t disagree.

Crowd: 8,635 (away 313)  

ps, talking of a new manager, and I know I'm sat watching The Championship, but if we cam limp to the end of the season, how about Brentford's Mark Warburton, let go at season's end for doing a fabulous job?  Though I'm not sure we'd be able to get used to the Super Reds attacking at pace...

Home time!