BFC 0-1 Wycombe Wanderers, Tuesday 3rd March 2026

’I live for the day he’s man of the match. He’s F***ING SH*T.’

I was walking down Grove Street after the game last nite when I saw a bloke with a white stick, arm in arm with another bloke. Behind him was another bloke using a white stick. It was the blind leading the blind, an apt metaphor for the game, I thought. Coach Conor, Wycombe having bossed the opening half, makes ZERO changes at half-time. We’re under the cosh again in the second half. ‘We’ve got to make changes’ texts B. Haigh of Lanzarote. ‘He will wait till they score’ replies Farnham. He waits till they score. Then subs the left footed left back for a right footer (Ogbeta hauled for O’Keeffe). We go on to win 3-1.

Of course, that’s in a parallel universe frequented by a coach with more skillz than Hourihane. If his golden foursome up front don’t bag, there is no Plan B. Sorry, there IS a Plan B (from Outer Space)…give it a few minutes, then swap O’Keeffe and right back Watson around, so we still have a right-footed defender (I use the term loosely) playing left back. It obviously confused me, cos when Watson put a delicious ball across our box for THEM to be clean through, I mistook him for O’Keeffe (who has previous for this offence). Well, they both have a ‘7’ on the back of their shirts.

It’s ok tho, cos Crapman has been behind the scenes on ‘Stars in their Eyes’ (look it up, kids) and has come out tonite as something approaching a goalkeeper. He runs out and saves, and together with a few catches and keeping the ball on the pitch in his hoofs, is given the official MOTM. (The Ponty disagree, finally clearing their throats for a couple of ‘Woooah…David McGoldrick’ chants.)

McGoldrick. Honestly, is this the future without POTY Kelly? Cleary marked out of it by 2 opponents, it’s left to McG to take it to Wycombe, going on 2 or 3 runs where he seemingly takes on half their side. Sadly, the only shot he gets off was a cut inside in the first half which curls harmlessly wide. It’s ok though, there’ll be another shot soon. (No there won’t.)

Phillips is generally anonymous, though I notice one of Coach Conor’s tactics is the ball over the top for a Phillips darting run. But the ball is either comfortably headed away, or runs through to the keeper. Banks looks promising early on, but between him and Watson it turns into a sh*tshow defensively. And that’s it from our ‘attacking players’. This includes half an hour of classic invisibility from Bradshaw (on for Banks), though Yoganathan almost offers hope for the last 15 (replacing Phillips). At least you notice Yoganathan, though I’ve yet to decide whether that’s cos he’s 6 foot 4 and has an amazing mop of hair, or cos he’s any good. ‘Better than the rest’ does not mean good. Not tonite.

That leaves 6 (6!) ostensibly defensive-minded players (plus a goalkeeper). And for a time, I started believing the elusive clean sheet would come. MdG first half, and O’Connell the second, looked strong. Certainly stronger than anything else we’ve seen this season. MdG reads the game and when Wycombe put the ball forward, simply steps out from behind the striker, intercepts it, and plays the ball to a red shirt. Imagine. (Sometimes even FORWARD!) Suspend your disbelief. O’Connell meantime made two super blocks to prevent certain Chairboys’ goals. (Beaten by ‘Chairboys’. Can it get any worse?) And the fullbacks won’t be as bad as the first half...will they?

Then there’s the dynamic duo in midfield. Captain Marvel and the GOAT. The GOAT’s PR team appear to be on sabbatical, cos I’m reading quite a few negative comments ‘on socials’ these days. Do these people have no idea? How do you criticize a player who rarely leaves the centre circle, can’t pass a ball forward, and constantly loses his man? The goal is a case in point. Watson has pushed up, marking another Wanderer, while a different wanderer wanders away from Bland and is free down their left. The cross is slightly deflected, which bamboozles Captain Marvel (not difficult) and a 3rd Wanderer lashes it into the top corner from the edge of the box. Otherwise the GOAT’s one attempt at emulating POTY Kelly in running forward and passing the ball ends up with it being overhit for Cleary. (I’m still trying to digest how Kelly has critics for not being able to fire it into the top corner after bursting past several opponents, getting to the edge of their box, then laying it off to a red. Yes, I mean you, P. Waddington.)

Where was I? I’m dizzier than a rascal. Captain Marvel. One advantage of hanging out with Darrell, pre-match (and half-time, and full-time) is that I don’t need to say owt about Luca, Darrell says it for me. And my silence only makes him rant more, as he thinks I’m a fan. It’s beautiful. Tonite, El Capitan is lucky not to give away a penalty as he drags a Chairboy to the floor on the backpost, with half-time looming. It’s funny, but I never hear the Jonesys (Jonesies?) and Farnhams of this world complain about the ref when they fail to give a blatant penalty to the opposition. (Maybe it would have woken Coach Conor up, going into the interval a goal down. Or maybe not.) Otherwise, he does what Connell does. Slows it down, kicks it square, makes no runs (with the ball), hit and hope longballs, gentle dinks for deadballs. If it wasn’t for his pal the GOAT next to him, I’d say he was one of the most limited players I’ve seen since…Herbie Kane? That’s it! He’s just a skinny Herbie Kane. (I’ll work on the exact wording of the chant.)

The pair of them together? CRAP.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Crapman. Top 3 is really tough. I think you could juggle any of McG, MdG, O’Connell and Crapman, in any order whatsoever. But given his trials and tribulations, I’ll give it to Crapman. Didn’t put a hand or foot wrong, and had no chance with the goal.
** McGoldrick. How comes grandad can run, but the whippersnappers CAN’T? Our only hope.
* MdG. Woulda been my MOTM but for a couple of ‘head like a 50 pence piece’ clearances in the 2nd half. But it’s nice to have a footballer at centre half.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. McGoldrick 2. MdG 3. Goodman

Despatches:
I read somewhere that we were bound to mess up tonite cos ‘we’d not won 2 games in a row all season’. That’s quite impressive, considering I know we won 3 and drew 1 of our opening 4 games. But we are consistently inconsistent, I’ll give us that. Still, if we win our 3 games in hand...etc etc

As for Lynne describing it as ‘Directionless, Clueless, Rudderless, Spineless...Just like our politicians’...it got me thinking. Would she prefer a centre back partnership of The Donald and Our Nige? Though Putin is a renowned left footer, and Coach Conor prefers a bit of balance in the middle (if not the outer edges of the party...sorry, team). Sadly, whichever Kim is in charge of North Korea this week is unavailable, due to injury. ‘Carrying too much timber’ said a club doctor.

Drink du jour: Vocation Krush Hour at Heaven and Ale.

Away: 194 (8,608). Most remarkable for ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ chant before we’d even kicked off. They were as quiet as us after that, as befitted our lowest crowd of the season (lge only).

The Damage:
£7 petrol
= £7

BFC 2-2 Wycombe Wanderers, Tuesday 1st October 2024

‘That’s because...no, I’d better not say.’

A Reds season ticket is a right bargain these days. If you’re a Londontyke, it means an ever decreasing number of Satdy 3pm games due to international breaks and Sky re-scheduling (Reading now having been cancelled due to the number of world class players a side in the bottom half of division 3 has). And for the rest of us, the chance to see Barnsley FC stumble through games against the ilk of High Wycombe Wanderers. It was the same last season, till Sam Cosgrove’s Goal of the Season in injury time. We have now won 1 of 5 home games against Mansfield Town, Northampton Town, Bristol Rovers, Stockport County and Wycombe. Last season, Fortress Oakwell garnered 9 wins and 7 defeats. It’s simply not good enough. Some Reds fans don’t go to away games, so will have been lucky to see half a dozen decent performances in that time.

Last nite was no different. The opening half must have been the most pointless 45 minutes of football since time began. Not a single shot on target from either side, and the player with the most possession must have been Slonina, our keeper, as he wandered around wondering who to give it to before a lump forward. (To be fair, he’s not the only one to have little faith in our defenders to take the ball under pressure.) Surely we have to accept that some teams will press high, it’s de rigeur these days, and surely our players (defenders) practice during the week to take the ball comfortably, pass it off, before making a forward ball through the lines. If not, what’s the point? Dispense with the pantomime and just hoof it up there. Really, Roberts and Pines are not the kind of defenders to be passing it around. At least, not the defenders you WANT passing it around.

Still, Coach Clarke is doing his best. Pre-match, Darrell (loudmouth Darrell, not Darrell Clarke, although...) insisted that what we needed was 4-4-2. Be careful what you wish for, Darrell. It was 4-4-2, Cotter put further up the park, right midfield. This meant Earl playing left back (good) and MDG playing right back (not so good). And two players in the middle who can’t play football for toffee (Roberts and Pines). Still, it was good to see Pines look up, try to spot movement (good luck!) before hoofing it 50 yards to their keeper. Glenn Hoddle he is not (although their belief systems may have something in common).

There was no Phillips (it took me till half-time to notice!) so Lofthouse was left midfield. Craig anchored the midfield, while Connell...took woeful corners and free kicks. I’m not sure he played a part in the game, though upon having a shot, late 2nd half, the Ponty regaled us with Luca ‘putting on a show’. Rarely has a player been treated to such adoration for so little. DKD looked amazing...for ten minutes. He was back to debut form, before disappearing, literally; subbed off. Up top, it was Cosgrove’s turn to get a trot out and it was the usual from him. No goals, lots of imaginary fouls given against.

That first half though...it was awful. Well done the nigh on 2,000 season ticket holders (official attendance 9,800 – yeah, right) who boycotted / couldn’t make it / would prefer to stay at home and watch it in the warmth / were busy doing something with their loft (he knows who I mean!) It was dreadful. And I’m describing a match that eventually produced 4 goals. Truly, the 8th wonder of the world. If it wasn’t for Barry Twinkle Toes and a sublime bit of skill from DKD, that opening 45 would be the very definition of ‘uneventful’.

Second half...well, I’m pleased I didn’t miss too much of the start, cos I got in just as Wycombe scored. Coach Clarke’s half-time pearls of wisdom have taken less than two minutes to bear fruit. It was quite an odd goal too, as a cross to the back post was sidefoot-volleyed back across goal from an acute angle and not one of Slonina or 3 defenders could get to it. We are doomed. Truly doomed.

But what’s this? Clarke decides to meddle early, bringing on Humphreys and Jalo (Jalo Jalo) for Pines and Lofthouse with barely 10 minutes gone of the half. Yes, we were that desperate. A minute later, Humphreys cuts inside on the edge of the box, takes it early and curls one into the far corner of the net. Inspired! Clarke for Manager of the Year! We then spend a few minutes in our attacking third and (some of) the crowd wake up. Jalo cuts inside and hits one wide.

The game is fizzling out, till Cotter is beaten on the right. (Since the changes he’s been forced to right back.) The cutback is crashed off the bar from 3 yards out. We have survived! ‘Cept we haven’t. The Frenchman swings and misses, Earl blocks a shot virtually on the line, the keeper saves the rebound, before it’s stabbed home. We have resolutely passed up every chance of getting rid and now we’re staring defeat in the face. 163 away fans go wild.

We go again. Why do we only look interested in scoring after the opposition have scored? That must be 4 out of the last 5 matches (it didn’t work at Stevenage). We have a spell of 4 or 5 consecutive corners in injury time and Roberts forces the ball home after Benson (Benson!) has his header palmed out. THE GAME IS SAVED! ALL HAIL MARC ROBERTS! LONG LIVE DARRELL CLARKE! We have eked a draw at home to Wycombe Wanderers. 2 points now in 2 home games. This season ticket is a bargain.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Humphreys. Scored, had a bullet header saved. Basically, changed the game.
** Roberts. Scored, but made 2 amazing blocks with his HEAD.
* Cotter. Obligatory Bazza vote. Clearly our best player 1st half, but replaced up the pitch by Jalo later.

Official MOTM: Roberts

Londontykes’ MOTM:
1= Humphreys/Roberts 3. Cotter

Despatches:
Jalo came on and lost the ball more than he didn’t. He’s never gonna be worth anything if he’s less effective than B. Cotter. In the battle of skill v pace, pace wins.

I did feel sorry for Jalo though, getting a yellow card for trying to control a ball that was going out of play. How the ref deemed this ‘time-wasting’ I’ve no idea. Mind, he also won a corner for shooting wide, so swings and roundabouts.

Oh, and at 0-1...or 1-1...The Frenchman slalomed upfield before cutting inside and tempting the defender into a silly challenge. Penalty all day. No penalty. Not that we deserved anything. Worst two-all draw I’ve seen in a long time.

Drink du jour: Clwb Tropica and Duration ‘Another Day Done’ in Heaven and Ale. And pie and peas.

Away: 163. And half a dozen of them outsang Oakwell in the 1st half.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

BFC 1-0 Wycombe Wanderers, Tuesday 28th November 2023

‘When I was younger, I once dressed up as Stevie Wonder’

*you should have seen the photo. Imagine a 50 year old white woman all blacked up with a reggae wig. I am STILL laughing, though I know I'm not allowed to these days...

Never leave early. Never. Otherwise, you might just miss out on the goal of the season. Well, when I say ‘goal of the season’, I can confidently say I have NEVER seen a goal like Cosgrove’s injury time winner. Their keeper, as part of a timewasting routine he/they’d spent the second half perfecting, has the ball at his feet, taunting the Reds forward into running towards him before he picks it up. Cosgrove has slowed, but there’s a coming together. The keeper goes down theatrically, but drops the ball in the process. Cosgrove (‘sponsored by Rapid Response’...I’d have previously said ‘Vapid Response’) is onto it in a flash, rounds the keeper and puts it into an empty net. Time stands still. The ref, 40 yards up the pitch, is in line with both players (meaning he can’t see the keeper, nor the collision, given Cosgrove’s size). Everyone holds their breath and waits for the whistle for a free kick. The pause is interminable...but the ref points to the spot. HE’S GIVEN IT! I can only presume he’s had a word in his ear from the linesman, who’s in line (!) with the incident and can point out how Cosgrove had virtually stopped and the keeper made a meal of it. Either way, WOO HOO, we’ve won!

Or have we? Was that 3 minutes into seven (actually 10) minutes injury time? In the very final minute, Wycombe get a free header off a corner. We all wait for the ball to smash the net, only it’s wide. I wonder aloud ‘Was the keeper blocked, or just stood on his line like a lemon?’ The lady in front of me turns around. ‘A lemon.’ Then turns back. We really have won.

I guess here is where I say we fully deserved it, after yet another entertaining, enthralling devil-may-care attacking performance. Or b) 70 minutes of turgidity (please tell me I have invented a word), brought almost to life by Styles being hauled, McAtee dropping to a #10 role, and Jalo causing carnage everytime he had the ball. And, dare I say it, Cosgrove on...whatever the hell he does. (‘err...last minute winners?’)

Within minutes of dropping deeper, McAtee put the ball into open goal areas for our centre forwards (Cole and Cosgrove...’CAC’ for short) to comprehensively avoid. The first, McAtee whips it across goal with the outside of his right boot and Cole is centimetres from touching it in. Cole has no sense that this ball is going to be put into a place he couldn’t possibly miss from. The second was arguably worse, as a ball 3 yards from goal appears to go THROUGH Cosgrove, then Cole, with the keeper stranded. Add the open goal Cole wasn’t fast enough to react to in the first half, that’s a hattrick any ‘sniffer’ would’ve had. He gets hauled for a teenager (Jalo).

It’s now Jalo’s turn to shine. He’s only been given 6 mins (plus injury time) but he runs at the opposition and 2 are booked for hacking him down. The first, the ref plays the advantage and Jalo problies thinks the ref’s not seen it, the 2nd, he nutmegs a defender by the corner flag and is scythed down before he reaches the box. There should have been a third, as he’s wrestled to the floor after the ball is gone, but I guess the ref missed it, following the ball (it was THAT late). Now, is Jalo absolutely brilliant, or was he playing against a tiring defence? And were they deliberately targeting him cos he’s a youngster? Or were they swinging an angry leg at a player who’s a different level? It was certainly an interesting 15 minutes of cloggers (plural) v class.

I’ve seen we had 2 (TWO) shots on target. I can’t remember the other one. If our xG v Lincoln 1st half Satdy was 0.07 (and it included a Cadden 25 yarder well saved), then what was the first half xG for THIS? It was appalling. So another ‘good performance’ from the manager. I think it’s these comments, rather than results, which will do for him in the end. You can fool some of the fans all of the time, all of the fans some of the time, but never all of the fans all of the time. We had another manager fairly recently who liked to polish a turd. Who was it? Asbaghi? Schopp? I can’t remember, but one of them who saw a different game to the masses, never changed his views, and was eventually sacked to no-one’s sorrow*.

*by ‘masses’ I mean those of us willing to sit through this. I’d be amazed if there were even 8,000 in the ground last nite, though the gate was never announced. (10,466, allegedly.)

Half-time came, and once Nozzer recognised me he came over. (I’d cunningly disguised myself with clever use of a pair of reading glasses; otherwise, my attire was as it is every game...red coat, dark blue boot cut jeans, trainers, oversize handknitted red and white scarf...devilishly handsome looks) And the mild mannered janitor had something to say for himself, as he vented spleen on that there ‘performance’. What a rant that was. Truth be told, I think he was just cold and was trying to warm himself up. I enjoyed it. I thought ranting about our ineptitude was one of my ‘skillz’. Word to the wise though: if you want a warm, have a go on the hand dryers in the toilets, they’re lovely and normally restore my moral at HT...ready for a rant! Mind, it was cold. When people say ‘it was freezing’. Can I just say the proof in the pudding was that I had to de-ice my car when I got back to it?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Lasted another 70 odd minutes and was the class act in our side, reading the game, making passes (short and long), putting in tackles. Just needs his energy back for those drives forward!
** Jalo. It was a cameo, but what a cameo. As long as we give this lad the ball at his feet, we’ve half a chance.
* McCart. Two crucial blocks, one in either half, preventing possible/probably goals.

Official MOTM: Connell

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Connell 2. McAtee 3. Jalo

Despatches:
Did I say one of their players got a red card for arguing about the goal? I’m not surprised. Imagine if THEY’D scored that goal, what a rumpus there would have been at Oakwell. But let’s not forget, the keeper only had it in his possession cos after a corner he went down pretending to be injured. Tw*t. (Twit!) Similar happened first half too. A corner is cleared to our right, we’re about to whip it back in when a Wanderer is seen lying on the floor holding his head. It’s all defenders have to do these days, go down, holding your head, drop ball, danger averted. My dad always used to moan on that football should take a leaf out of rugby’s book and allow the physio on during play. You’ll soon see who’s play-acting then!

Although we had most of the ball and play, Wycombe had a few breaks they could have done better with. Kane gave the ball away cheaply, leaving Jordan exposed, but thankfully he coped / Wycombe messed up the pass, 2 on 1. Did I say it was the same team as Satdy, meaning another chance for Kane to do nothing further up the pitch? Styles managed this too. Imagine a player who gets 90 minutes for Hungary not being able to pull up trees in the English 3rd division. Puskas must be turning in his grave. Hauled after 60. Same as Satdy v Lincoln, Cosgrove on (CAC!) and McAtee dropping...and McAtee looking different gravy to Styles. 74,. Connell tiring, on comes Phillips. Did he do more or less than nothing? Back in defence, Cadden was his dependable self. Between him, Cotter and De Givigny (from a half cleared corner) there were 3 delicious balls into the ‘corridor of uncertainty’ for Cole to hide behind numerous defenders rather than bust a gut to run to that front post. (Part of me wants to commend the Wycombe defending, but it’s EVERY GAME.) Ahh, Cotter. He has two games, worldie and worldly awful. It was the turn of the latter last nite. Couldn’t put a foot right, yet still wasn’t as bad as the last home game (Fleetwood). Falling over, losing the ball, crossing it into Row Z...he has a plethora of abilities. Over ambitious shooting too, as he attempted a 25 yarder with a defender right in front of him (blocked). But if you saw what we had up front...Anyway, O’Keefe came on and his first input was to let a gentle ball go under his foot for a throw. (Insert blaspheme here.) De Givigny I didn’t really notice. But it got me thinking….is he standing out above McCart every game purely cos he’s in the middle of the three, thereby gets to do a lot of the easy stuff? Anyway, just a thought. Did he have the header which for all the universe looked over, but somehow hit the bar? (The keeper collected the rebound as we stood and watched.) Jordan played quite well, but I am starting to be of the opinion he’d better out wide, with Lopata in the back 3. Though that would bring an end to my love affair with Cotter. Brilliant, or batsh*t, at least he invokes SOMETHING, at least he makes me feel SOMETHING. I could watch Kane all day and never get beyond ‘meh’. Kilip? Nothing to do apart from come out and claim that last minute corner. He didn’t.

Drink du jour: Leffe in Wetherspoons with the Galvins. And I hope Lord Selwood will be proud of me…I had the vegetarian curry! (‘as part of a calorie controlled diet’…as the ads used to say.)

Away: c.200. It was never announced. Perhaps another victim of our lack of admin campaign (Horsham anyone?)

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Wycombe Wanderers 0-1 BFC, Saturday 18th March 2023

‘Have that! Sh*tty sh*thousing c***s.’

After 8 wins and 2 draws from our last 10 games, another Manager of the Month for Duff, and crushing victories against the likes of Derby and Plymouth, wasn’t it great to see the Super Reds win another way? Clinging on, backs to wall, poor performances all over the park…and we came through it. SURELY promotion beckons!?

That first half was as bad as….home to Wycombe (0-3). Coincidence? Or do they just have a style of playing which we have trouble with? We should have been 3, maybe 4, down by the interval. Yet I don’t remember Isted making a (decent) save. The Chairboys could miss the target from anywhere, probably the worst being the rebound from 8 yards after Isted palmed it nicely into his path. (One shot on target in 10 attempts, I’ve checked.)

And yet…if Watters had any pace…or could even match an octogenarian with a walking frame…we’d have snatched the lead on the break. Is he just terrible, or the proverbial ‘lacking in confidence’? Still, he’s perked the likes of Norwood and Cole up, the latter pair presumably seeing Watters on the training ground and thinking ‘the manager CAN’T POSSIBLY think this bloke is better than ME’. The subsequent trot and powderpuff effort from Watters was at least at the other end, so difficult to see in its full ‘glory’. Half the Londontykes missed this (still not back from half-time beers) but Watters missed another chance at the start of the second half, as Phillips whipped in a great ball and the farmer former headed over.

The second half was more even but we carried zero threat, till Duff started chucking the subs on. And what a bench! Cole and Tedic came on for the ineffectual Watters and Norwood. Halfway through the half, Duff pulls Kane and sticks Thomas on. Phillips somehow survives till 78 minutes, when him and Cadden make way for Benson and Larkeche. In Benson, we finally have a player who’s prepared to put his foot on the ball while Thomas (Luke) is prepared to run at players. It is on decisions like these that seasons depend. Thomas beats his man, sprints to the touchline and pulls it back for Tedic to bang a header into the top corner. You f***ing Reds! 85 minutes gone, proper smash and grab. There is no way in a million years Wycombe will score. And they don’t.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. A wall at the back in the face of Wycombe pressure.
** Kitching. Defence and attack. And stupidity. Who doesn’t love stupidity?
* Tedic. Could anyone else have scored that header?

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Andersen 2. Kitching 3. Luke Thomas

Despatches:
I’d like to give Nice Guy Chris the assist for the goal. For a good minute he pondered whether to go to the toilet or not. ‘I think you should, Chris. We need to try something different.’ We were to the right of the net as you look at it. Chris never even reached the back of the goal before we’d scored. COYR!

Before the goal…and before the 78th minute…my main entertainment involved tormenting poor Chris about future Ballon D’Or winner Adam Phillips. The ghost of Direwatch loomed, as Phillips couldn’t put a foot right (aside from that earlier cross). Did that shot of his clear the stand? Or just the bar? (Well, he was maybe 15 yards out, long way to hit a barn door from). But no, my favourite bit(s) were the twice he completely missed the ball, swiping away at clean air. These were the occasions he crept out from his anonymity. (For the record, Kane was equally terrible.)

Another player noted negatively was Kitching. Don’t disagree with a foul, spend two seconds THINKING about what to do…then throw the ball away in disgust. Are you THICK? (It’s a rhetorical question.) Of course, it’s a nailed on yellow, whether he disagreed with the ref’s decision or not (and it was a soft one). This is in the first half hour, so he’s risking a sending off…and maybe defeat. And I hear that if he gets booked once more he misses two games. He’s an idiot. I love him!

And don’t underestimate Cole’s cameo, holding the ball up for (Luke) Thomas to make his run for the winner. And what a finish from Tedic, a bullet header into the top corner. He’s had his 7 months’ rest. It’s now time to shine.

Still, party time. Chris and Lord Selwood slope off early to get the last train out of Dodge (another railstrike) while the rest of our 8 (wo)man party jump into a taxi to celebrate in Slacki’s ‘pub’, a converted garage in his front garden. And I have to say, very good it is too. Space Invaders, darts, Brewdog on tap, Sky Sports. Even the service isn’t too bad. There’s even time for me to lose weight eating a curry, the sweat pouring out of me. Bl**dy hot these dhansaks!

Drink du jour: Brewdog Planet Pale. And whatever someone got me from the Wycombe Wanderers fan zone, a large marquee outside the ground

Away: 1,020.

Today’s take home: Someone call the police – there’s been a robbery.

The Damage:
£73 travel (petrol)
£23 ent
= £96

BFC 0-3 Wycombe Wanderers, Saturday 20th August 2022

‘Spacker!’

The first 4 shirts I saw in Barnsley town centre on Satdy were Man City, Man City, Arsenal and Dirty Leeds. On a matchday! Have some civic pride, Barnsley. Mind, I also saw a Wigan Warriors shirt and some Aussie rugby league shirt or other. Then a Blunts shirt on the way to the match. He was obviously a loyal Blunt as well, given they were also at home. Did he really wear his shirt just to annoy the hundreds (dozens) of Reds fans heading up to the ground? Anyway, he got a mouthful, and not just off me.

As a special treat, Diane was driving back, so I could drink as much as I could God damn pleasey this week. So 3 whole pints of a lowish percentage pale ale. What’s happening to me? Nowhere near enough to drown the effects of the match, a humbling nil-three to a side with half our budget (yet strangely containing Alfie Mawson) and on a run of 3 successive defeats. Another Londontyke who may or may not have been holidaying in Corsica didn’t know where this result or performance came from. I suspect there are others, such as myself, who found the game strangely comforting. It was entirely predictable. The more things change, the more they remain the same, etc. ‘Chalk and cheese from Tuesday night’ (3-0 v Bristol Rovers) one fan said to me. ‘Chalk and chalk from the Cheltenham game’ I replied. (Yes, I know we won, but I said they were poor. Unfortunately, Wycombe weren’t.)

I’d not long been marvelling at Mawson’s aimless clearances (what’s happened to him?) when he dinked a gorgeous 40 yard throughball for their centre forward, Although he controlled the ball into traffic, a little pass here and a 20 yarder there, 0-1. Quality goal from their perspective. Our 1st half output was a Cundy header off a corner, nicely tipped over, and Aitchison, snatching at a chance and driving it straight at the keeper from 12 yards with both corners gaping. You can’t teach composure. And that was it. That was our GOOD half.

Second half, we were played off the pitch and Wycombe scored 2 excellent goals, the like of which we’re incapable. (Actually, we’re also incapable of scoring those scrappy 6 yarders too.) The ball runs loose and a 45 yarder is looped over Collins. Is he the only keeper I know to be done from this distance at least twice (Stoke home, 3 years ago)? Very probably. Another Reds fan in the pub (I forget his name, one of Nozzer’s mates who talks incessantly, won’t listen and interrupts when you have the temerity to speak…anyway, him…not Darrell (altho’…) ….said summat about the wind giving us problems. That’s true. It was windy for us. Not for them. Then another slick move where their players MOVE and our players WATCH leads to another fine finish. Wycombe may not get promotion, but they’re streets ahead of us. Our attacking response? A low left wing cross which Cole runs to but misses the ball (a defender pressurising him). That’s it. I can’t remember us having a shot, nevermind missing a chance.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Nobody. He’s back. Strong in defence.
** Nobody. Best midfielder we had.
* Nobody. He was everywhere up front.

Official MOTM: None. We’re back to being mardy. Lose and it’s none of ‘em!

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Andersen / Benson 3. Kitching

Despatches:
Top marks to the Oakwell DJ at full-time, as he played the Inspiral Carpets ‘This is how it feels.’

So this is how it feels to be lonely
This is how it feels to be small
This is how it feels
When Wycombe score a goal

Not that most of the crowd heard it, Oakwell emptying at three-nil (a slight improvement on last season’s leaving at two down; are fans more hopeful of a comeback at this level?)

Top marks to those of you who found a top 3. I see Benson mentioned a couple of times. Christ. Did he even kick the ball? I thought Scowen did alright…but hang on, he doesn’t play for us anymore. Mawson had nowt to do, and McCarthy came on for the Holy Trinity. For us…I remember Kitching making another great 40 yard run down the middle of the pitch. Why can’t our attacking / creative players run with the ball? Otherwise, I watched as Mads Andersen stood 3 yards off a player about to shoot. I thought he’d be one of those Reds players a half-decent side might be interested in, but not if he can’t do the basics.

Regards the ref, I know it's the done thing to criticise him for not giving us 17 penalties, but my main remembrance was of Norwood conning him into giving us 2 free kicks with outrageous dives. Still, at least he (Norwood) made an impression. Be good if it was a positive one though. Please tell me we haven't handed over oodles of wages for a player whose only ability is to cheat?

To finish on a positive, I don’t think we’ll go down. (Famous last words.)

Drink du jour: Atlantis pale ale in Spiral City.

Away: 283.

Today’s take home: It’s going to be a difficult season without a forward line.

The Damage:
c.£34 travel
£48 away shirt. Get ‘em while they don’t have a sponsor!!!
= £82

I couldn’t be bothered to buy a match programme, given the cartoonish front covers of this season. Is some GCSE art student on work experience? I can’t decide if this season’s programme covers annoy me more than last season. A very petty grievance most of you will say, but at least it takes my mind off the football.

The Tunes:
BB6 Music (Radcliffe and Maconie / Huey Morgan / Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show)