It’s my birthday weekend and the original plan was to go to Scotland. However, the weather is a little...Novembery?...so that’s off. And by now, the Super Reds have sold their 3,000 allocation away at Donny, so that’s not an option, even if I wasn’t boycotting them cos a) they still owe me a 20 quid refund from years back and b) it’s the most miserable away experience, a subbuteo stadium in a retail park a very long walk from the city centre. I study the form and I see Eccleshill are at home. I’ve been waiting all season for this, a chance to go to Cougar Park, home of the Keighley Cougars rugby league team, without having to see actual rugby league. Result! (And actually, I don’t mind rugby league.)
My initial plan was to get there early, have a look around town. Instead, I end up watching the first half of Spurs v Manure on the tellybox at home with my other half. I’d have rather have had a walk around Keighley, to be frank. And I’ve seen most of what it offers. I jump in the car and by 2:45 I’m passing the ground, but in order to park I’ve got to head down to the roundabout and double back, the dual carriageway not being conducive to parking up in the side streets to my right.
I’m outside the ground. No noise whatsoever. No PA, no nuffink. There’s an entry gate. Closed. There’s some turnstiles. Closed. Is this game on? I check Twitter and, without my glasses, am forced to squint at the screen. Eccleshill haven’t updated since this morning. Opponents Thackley though have posted their team up. This game MUST be on somewhere. Has it been moved?
I walk around the cricket club next door to Cougar Park. Looking back at the football (rugby) ground, I can see a bit of terracing but zero people, not even the heads of players warming up. I carry on into an industrial estate and see cars lining the road to the ground. I have a hunch. I bet there’s another entrance along this road. But I haven’t got my glasses. I decide I’d rather miss kick-off and be able to read, than vice versa. I go back, collect the car, come back and park right outside the industrial estate turnstiles (as they’ll be known to me).
It’s a mere six pounds to get in, but I’ve missed out on any programmes. Were there any? I’ve also missed the opening 10 minutes, though I’m slightly discombobulated, as the scoreboard says ‘35:00’. Why are they counting BACKWARDS? Who does that? So I spend most of the opening 45 having to work out how long has gone by deducting the number on the scoreboard from 45. Still, it passes the time. The game is pretty awful. The ball isn’t rolling so well (it being a rugby pitch) and conditions mean the players have trouble having a shot with any power. (This is a theory of mine. If cloudy conditions affect swing bowling in cricket, surely there must be some conditions in football which make it harder for players to get any power in a shot. That, or both sets of players are simply rubbish.)
I’ve also missed a goal. The visitors Thackley, are one up. It’s soon two, as a corner to the backpost is controlled and lashed in. How does a player have time off a corner to control a ball? How bad are Eccleshill? (A quick look at table shows Eccleshill are the higher of two midtable sides.) Thackley look way better, despite their inability to shoot from distance (see earlier).
There appears to be good away support in a sparse crowd. This would nominally be a derby, were Eccleshill playing in the suburb of Bradford they represent, but instead they’re playing 10 miles away cos the owner says they can’t afford to play in Eccleshill. I’m not sure how that works, given Cougar Park can’t be free. I chat on to their former physio who informs me the owner was hoping to pick up more support in Keighley, but without converting it to Keighley United, I don’t see what’s in it for locals, presuming they even want a football team. (Silsden is just down the road too.)
I am surprised to hear the crowd was even three figures. 101, or roughly 25 spectators for every dog in the ground (a personal record). One Thackley fan walks her dog to the end of the terrace and back a few times, but at half-time, when I fancy a wander, an officious young steward says I can’t go any further. ‘Why not?’ ‘It’s the rules.’ Ah, of course, the rules. I decide not to ask why this lady, or a bloke on the far terrace with a dog, are allowed. I know futile when I see it. Did the bloke arrive before the steward? Is he official (didn’t look it)? I’ll never know.
Thus, I am unable to complete one of the joys of non-league football (at least at this tier), walking around the perimeter of the pitch. We are allowed approximately a quarter of this covered terrace, a dozen steps or so, as well as half of the Main Stand, a steep pitched roof affair on the right hand touchline. A quarter of a quarter plus half of a quarter (there being 4 sides to a pitch) means we have 5/16 of the ground open. (Is my maths right?) Very poor. (We’ll ignore that the ground is rectangular, not square.)
Instead, I popped into the clubhouse, where one wall is tastefully adorned with pics and biogs of past Cougars’ legends. I contemplate a beer, but despite several being on tap, there’s nothing of taste. Why would anyone need both Heineken AND Amstel? Or a John Smiths, or Guinness, or two types of Strongbow. There’s everything and nothing.
Opposite the Main Stand is an open terrace of perhaps 10 steps, while the end right of the stand is also open, but slightly smaller. Do these areas even open for Cougars’ games these days? Part of the terrace is painted the colours of the rainbow too. ‘Everyone is welcome’ is scrawled everywhere. The Main Stand, meantime, is a steep and dark affair made mostly of wood. This is charming, till a middle aged committee man in short sleeves bounds up the steps to tell some lads it is prohibited to smoke. They are obviously too young, or ignorant, to know of the Bradford City fire disaster. Still, they’re not chucked out. Eccleshill need all the fans they can get.
The second half is woeful, but at least I have a magnificent view of it. You don’t get much height at this level and I am sat at the back of the stand, where I am sat on a pew, with a small counter for my hymn book / glasses case. There is the small matter of floodlights slightly obstructing the view, but with so few folk here, I have the pick of the seats. And in a way, it’s marvellous.
Happy Birthday Me!
The Damage
£6 ent
=£6
