Watford 3-0 Barnsley, Saturday 15th March 2014

‘…when your mate can’t even get off with your wife’

One day this'll all be finished

But then again, they're not bothering with that corner...

Some people think it’s all over…it certainly looks it.  Andy and Pompey live to regret not going to Vicarage Road as they miss the Super Reds conceding 2 in the opening 15 minutes (Steele saving two other one-on-ones).  Danny Wilson thinks the win over Forest last week shows what we’re capable of.  The 0-5, 0-3, 0-3 of the 3 other games around Forest show otherwise.  That’s 11 goals conceded in 3 games.  Thank god Watford didn’t seem to bother once they got the early two goal cushion.

One of these people is today's 'lucky' Reds' mascot

Mind, it’s the Watford fans I feel sorry for.  They came in their unlikely hordes (14,000 of ‘em!) to witness a a gladiatorial battle, an encounter of such epic proportions it would go down in legend.  What they got was a match over before 5 minutes was up.  And in a season of catastrophe, we even learnt a new way to concede a goal, Dawson miscuing a clearance straight to their bloke.  Dawson compounds the error by standing well off him, allowing a 20 odd yard half volley to rocket into the net.

No need to dwell on that error though, there’ll be another one along soon enough.  And it’s that man Dawson again, deciding he’ll switch play from our left to THEIR left, as his crossfield ball is easily intercepted and their left back runs forward.  There’s still time for 3 or 4 passes as Barnsley defenders are all at sea.  It’s like watching 10 year olds, as they all run to where the ball has just BEEN.  The entire back 4 switched 10 yards to their right, leaving an unmarked Deeney to sidefoot home towards the backpost.  Woeful, Barnsley, woeful.

So, £26 and 15 minutes in and the game is lost.  Hardly anyone on the pitch appears to give a s*** and we see out the remaining 75 minutes comfortably, save for another midfield f*** up and 3-0.  Everyone’s favourite Jacob ‘Ba5tard fcuking Mellis’ strolls one step too far, gives the ball away and they’re on the break.  The left winger even slows down, just so he can round Mellis again before pulling the ball back for a tap-in.  Never have I seen a Barnsley player give so little yet get picked so often.  He’s like a central midfield Kevin Donovan (remember him???).

As the end was nigh, and we mused whether we’d had a shot on target (we hadn't), Big Nick goes clean through to chip a ball against the bar.  I continue my debate with Loko over whether he’s s*** or very s***.  (Loko likes him.)  Three-nil and possibly the WORST Barnsley midfield I have ever seen:  Lawrence – Frimpong – Mellis – Dawson.  We’re going down faster than that bird Hugh Grant was once caught with.

Keep calm?  Keep f***ing CALM?  I support BFC FFS!

*** No-one
** Steele.  Couldn’t do anything about the goals, saved 2 one-on-ones.
* Jennings.  He’ll do a job in division 3.

Despatches:
What can I say about our midfield that you don’t already know?  Dawson tries but isn’t good enough at this level.  Mellis is but doesn’t.  Ditto Pingpong (least I THINK he’s good enough, but he’s doing his best to prove otherwise).  And Lawrence is a 32 year old playing like a 37 or 38 year old.  I remember when he used to be good.

Then there’s the defence.  The Football League Paper was extremely generous to Hunt who it claimed spent his match covering the centre halves.  From where I sat, it was the other way around, as Hunt continually got caught going forward and well known full back and speed merchant M’Voto would trot across to (fail to) cover, leaving a massive space behind HIM.  Honestly, could our players just concentrate on doing THEIR OWN jobs first?  Kennedy of course was Kennedy.  Leaving Nyatanga, who I thought looked alright, actually.  But he can’t hope to hold a defence together on his own.  I’ll tell you who COULD do a job alongside him, and could help ORGANISE the defence – some bloke sat up in the stands with us, with his wife and 2 kids.  Step forward Sir Bobby Hassell.  Although the subject of a few chants, at least the fans had the deference NOT to chant that they’d let him shag their wives.  BFC fans and ‘deference’.  Whatever next?

So, last (and least) is our forward line, consisting as it did of German Nick.  What does he bring to our game, outside of statuesque play and zero attacking threat?  ‘Oh, but he gets no service’.  No – and he won’t at that pace.  Flicks the odd ball on and that’s about it.  Can’t even hold a ball up, nevermind run with it.  How do folk spend two million on players like this?

In summary: relegation.

Onwards and downwards!

A

The old allotment end.  No doubt called 'South Stand' or summat imaginative.

ps, I'll tell you who I blame.  Young Jake Slack.  'Lucky' mascot!?  At least we only lost by two when I did it!

pps, it's performances like that which make me appreciate being in work Sat morn and dashing to Watford just in time to make KO (cheers to Salisbury and the crew for sorting a taxi from the pub next to the station). 

Barnsley 1-5 Watford, Saturday 21st September 2013

‘Christ!’

After our narrow escape last season, the new season duly came around with lots of hope and expectation.  A hard core of last season’s squad stayed, to be joined by a few exciting new signings.  And so it was that we took to the field yesterday with barely a player I recognised in a daring new system called ‘4-4-2’.

                                                Useless

Rubbish                         Poo                        Pants                                  Garbage

Woeful                          Awful                    Dreadful                              Stroller

                         Battler                                  Awesome (wish I had some supply)

Subs: 

Under rated

Unrated

Carousel (goes round and round in circles)

What a catastrophe.  Crushed by a TEAM fitter and faster than our own, who pressured our players high up field and attacked at speed.  Y’know, like we used to do last season. (Although I have to say, we don’t possess anyone of the speed and skill of their 2 star players, Ikechi Anya and the bloke who looked like Ikechi Anya.)

Even before they took the lead against The Worst Offside Trap in the World, the writing was on the wall.  Our players simply couldn’t get near any of theirs.  Still, no excuse for standing still and sticking your paws in the air while Deeney waltzes through to score under zero pressure.  Then Scotland equalises, shoulder charging their guy off the ball before drilling it home from 20 yards off the post.  The optimist in me felt much better, we’d scored.  The realist in me said they looked like they could score at will, while we had to rely on a defensive mistake.

Not to worry, within 4 minutes they were ahead again.  Oh, how our defence laughed as a long pot shot headed out of play.  Except that their right winger hadn’t given up on it and ghosted in at the far post to finish it.  Actually, when I say ‘ghosted’, I mean ghosted past Kennedy who stood staring at the ball while the winger ran past him.  I think everyone else at Oakwell saw the bloke coming.  (Out of interest, how does Kennedy get a game ahead of Noble-Lazarus at the moment?)  Of course, the goal would never have happened had the ref blown for a blatant foul at the other end, when Scotland was cleaned out chasing down a ball, but still, we had 11 men behind it when they collected the ball.

No worries.  As long as we limp to half time only one down, we’re still in it.  2 minutes before half time, it’s all over.  The winger skins Wiseman with ease before pulling it back for a close range finish.  This is pathetic.

At half time, I debate with my dad’s friend Diane what the final score will be.  I go 6-1, she goes fives.  One of us will be right.

Finally, a decision from our manager.  2 subs are made (it could have been 9, to be honest) with the 3^rd no doubt waiting for Scotland, who hasn’t completed 90 minutes since….when?  Reuben is on for Kennedy and O’Brien, who everyone tells me is s***, replaces Dawson, who I say is s***.

And for 20 odd minutes we are the (slightly) better team, without ever looking like we’ll bag.  In fact, I was probably perfectly happy with this, keeping it at 1-3, cos I was dreading what Watford could rack up if they fancied it.  We miss an unbelieveable chance to make it 2-3 when a point blank header is saved by Almunia.  Thankfully, I can’t remember who it was for me to apportion blame.  Should never have missed tho.

Then my dad tells me ‘y’know, we’ve probably edged it so far this half’ and 2 seconds later it’s 1-4.  Their bloke seizes on a loose ball and while some bottle blond midget scurries after him, he hits it home from 25 yards, low into the corner.  Later, said bottle-blond’s last input is to miscontrol a ball just outside their box leaving Anya to sprint 80 yards unchallenged before beating Steele on his near post for 1-5.  Class.

*** Scotland.  Held the all up, got a few shots off, scored, had f*** all support from his teammates.  Had to last the full 90 cos the subs had been used and missed a sitter late on.  Sponsors MOTM.

** Reuben.  Came on at left back and had as many shots as the rest of the team put together in that second half and probably as many crosses.

* O’Brien.  Y’know, that s*** bloke.  In the 2 home games I’ve seen, he’s been one of the best players we have.  Which is problies why we’re 2nd off bottom!  Came on as a right winger, whipped a couple of decent balls in.

Despatches:

Andy was apoplectic about Perkins’ ‘performance’.  I made him least worst of 4 in midfield.  Dawson had another shocker.  Is he fit?  As did Etuhu, who I saw shrugged off the ball by someone half his size, second half.  Is he interested?  Mellis was Mellis.

The ‘Derry Pele’ came on for 20 minutes and dribbled round about 15 players in his cameo.  Shame he usually ended up where he started.  It reminded me of a training session, where the aim is to keep possession rather than actually score a goal.  Watford could have stood and watched and he’d still be dribbling around in circles.  Does he never get dizzy?

As for the defence, I’ve been amused to read Flitcroft’s assertion in the Chronicle’s pre-season supplement (remember, I came back late, so have just read it) that one things’s for sure, it will be better this season.  Wiseman, M’Voto, Ramage, McNulty, Golbourne, Kennedy, O’Brien, Crainie, Steele, Pollitt….seems everyone’s had a run out.  Except…who?  Who was that bloke we had last season, who was consistently ignored as we slid down the table then as needs must, came into the team in the New Year and helped kick start the Flitcroft Revolution?  ‘It’s like de ja vous all over again’, said Shaka Hislop upon being asked about Barnsley’s plight.  We have conceded more goals than anyone in the 4 divisions and have been hit for 5 three times already this season.  (Someone had to tell me that, I’ve been trying to ignore our results.)

O’Grady battled well up front, but really, there were 9 appalling players behind him and Scotland.  They had no chance.

Flitcroft is apparently no longer ‘in denial’.  Well, with the next 3 games Leicester, Reading and QPR, it looks like things will get worse before they get better.  One win, one draw, NINE defeats doesn’t sound good.  Salisbury can’t see Flitcroft lasting beyond the 2^ndinternational break.  Dave on the other hand thought he might be sacked today.  Has he been?

In case anyone was wondering, Watford brought 846 supporters and there were 9004 home fans.  Just saying.

Journey back was pleasant enough.  There were plenty of Watford fans on the train, but they didn’t gloat.  Drink du jour?  JD and coke, with lager for Dave.  ‘Cept as soon as he saw the JD, he refused to drink the lager and stole his share.  And returning to St. Pancras, we decided to show New Boy Tom (Salisbury’s ex-student) a good time with posh beers in that bar in St. P.  We’ll take him to the Flying Scotsman next time!

Come on you Reds!

A

ps, I’m not implying nuffink, but it came out that the 2 prettiest female students on Salisbury’s course both achieved first class degrees!

Barnsley 1-0 Watford, Saturday 16th March 2013

‘Donovan?  A Doner VAN would be more useful.’

Oh Bobby Hassell, you are the love of my life…GET IN THERE MY SON.  Another week, another seat on the bench for Sir Bob.  But what’s this?  Long Throw Rory (Rory ra ra ra) gets himself injured early on and the Ginger Prince finds himself on the park at right back. And things go from good to great when he only goes and bags the only goal of the game, a free header from a free kick.  F***ING YES!!!  Aside from that, Bob didn’t have the best of games, getting booked for being slower than he thinks he is and kicking some bloke in the air after being sold (well) short.  Much improved though after the break, as he and Wiseman swapped and Hassell proved…sorry SHOWED, cos Hassell simply can’t PROVE owt to this manager…that he looks comfortable in the middle of defence and can play with anyone (today:  Crainie).

Anyway, we were the better team throughout.  Watford may be 2^nd (they didn’t look it) but we bossed it.  It was yet another example of a 2^nd division team being unable to pass it around when we pressed them.  These are not Man City (or Swansea, when they battered us last year).  Perkins won plenty of ball, but I lost count of how many times they’d try to cut inside Etuhu and he’d just nick it off them.  Do they never learn?  (No.)  Unfortunately, we weren’t quite as good IN possession as we were out of it, though we created what chances there were.

*** Crainie.  Won absolutely everything, stepped forward to intercept balls, laid balls off to team mates.  A supreme performance at centre half.

** Etuhu.  As above.  Sponsor’s MOTM.

* O’Grady.  Held the ball, put himself about, took alot of physical from Watford, coulda scored.  Shoulda scored?

Despatches:
Here’s a question.  How much would you take to sell Mellis?  This came up on the train. The answers were a) 5 million, b) 3 million, c) 2 million or d) £250,000?  To my mind, a bloke who’s in and out of Barnsley’s team can’t be worth more than a quarter of a mill, but based on a decent half at Man C (after they’d won the game) and a decent game out wide yesterday (cos he ain’t good enough to be in the middle) he’s worth millions.  In the words of Dave Selwood ‘Tha knows nowt.’  We weren’t even drunk (well, I wasn’t.)

Good job we DID bloody win tho.  By my reckoning, the bottom 11 teams recorded 8 wins and a draw.  And one of the 2 defeats was against another of the bottom 11 (Bristol at Wolves).  Still, for those doom mongers who feared the worst when we had the top 7 to play of our last 11 games…well, we’ve now beaten 2 of them.  It’s playing sh*te at the bottom (like Washday) who'll cause us problems.

Drink du jour:  No messing about today, none of your running out of spirits by Peterboro…a bottle of JD and a bottle of vodka pls, between about 5 of us.  Dave stuck to some weak bitter, fearful of the consequences.  Not that I drank much.  I just wasn’t feeling on form all day (heavy night).

Great atmosphere at Oakwell too.  Don't worry...'bout a thing!

Watford 4-1 Barnsley, Saturday 1st December 2012

I’m confused.  I could swear the Super Reds played some decent stuff at times and ran the game for chunks.  So how comes we let in 4 goals, they hit the woodwork at least twice and Steele made 3 amazing saves?  Well, perhaps some clues could be had from the goals conceded:

#1.  Free header from a corner.  Tudgay is the ‘marker’ as Deeney heads home.  Presumably Hill did his homework and assigned the centre halves to other players?  (Their centre halves?)

#2.  Everyone in the away end sees their bloke break down the left.  Everyone in the away end knows the player he’s just played it to is going to backheel the ball for player #1 to run onto. Unfortunately, Crainie doesn’t and the player is now free.  No worries, we have plenty of other defenders available.  Only Foster stands and stares, doesn’t bother closing down, electing to stay with his man.  Their left back cannot believe he’s got a free run at goal from virtually the corner flag and pokes it through Steele’s legs from an angle.

#3.  Hilarious this one.  Crainie is pulled up for a foul and while he’s arguing with the ref (even bothering to make sure he’s no longer ‘goal side’) they take it quick.  Their centre forward drops back a couple of paces to take possession and drills it into the bottom corner while Foster (who’s attention he has evaded) stands rooted.  (This is the same Foster, btw, who the others will tell you is MotM – well, that’s what they said in the pub.)

#4.  McNulty finds himself completely the wrong side of their man and tries to do what he has systematically failed to do all match – tackle somebody.  Needless to say, he ends up bringing down the man and the penalty is despatched confidently.

The second goal was the killer.  At the start of the second half, it was all us.  In fact, I was just complaining to Salisbury that the ball had been down the far end too long and I wanted some action where we were.  One attack later and it’s 2-0.  Over and out.  Goodnight Barnsley FC.  

However, even in the first half we more than matched them.  The catalyst for this was probably the enforced subbing of an injured Mellis, for Dawson.  The bloke in front allowed himself a chuckle as I told Mellis he limps faster than he runs (I swear this is true. No, not that I made the comment, or that the bloke laughed.  But Mellis even put a jog on as he limped off).  Dawson came on and for the rest of the half took the game to them.  Tho perhaps the highlight was when he ran 20 yards to foul their player (who was shepherding it out for a goal kick) then told him to f*** off when he put his hand up, wanting to be helped him up.  That’s the spirit, Stephen!

Sinclair missed the best (only?) chance.  Through on goal, by rounding the keeper he gave the defender that extra second to get back and the resulting shot was duly cleared off the line.

Christ, nearly forgot MotM, ie, the whole point of this e-mail.

*** Steele.  Couldn’t blame him for the goals and kept us in it with some super saves.
** Dawson.  Cracking 15 minutes, then disappeared.
* Greening.  Solid.

Oh, and guess who we shared the train with back to London? Well, none other than Mr Greening, who was off to London to see a musical with the missus (‘Wicked’, since you ask).  No, he doesn’t like musicals, no, he won’t enjoy it cos we’ve lost, but he’s definitely looking forward to his lie in tomorrow, without 3 kids crawling all over him.  Anyway, he seemed a decent chap.  As all north-easterners are.  No-one gave him a hard time, since he had yet another good game.  Oh, and he was also a bit annoyed that we’d conceded that 2^nd goal when we were in control of the match.

As for the fans today, not a big turnout (no surprise there) but time is running out for Hill.  It is now officially ‘Bobby Hassell’s red and white army’ and 10/10 for my favourite chant….’Rochdale, it’s just like watching Rochdale’.  If we lose to Washday in a fortnight, Hill needn’t worry about what the players eat and drink over Xmas, cos he simply won’t be there.

Despatches:
If Jim O'Brien cannot get into our team, we must be pushing for promotion.  Once again he came on, looked keen and was sadly only let down by the other 9 or 10 outfield players.  Reuben also looked keen ('We need bloody Lazarus' cried one wag).  

As for bl**dy awful, how s*** must a fit Hassell be if he's behind Crainie, Stones and Wiseman for a right back berth and Foster, Wiseman and McNulty (and probably Collins) for a centre half spot?  Crainie looks woeful to me at right back.  Certainly worse than an out of form Stones.  And problies about level with a Wiseman.

And McNulty?  I am so gutted to see how such a fine player from last season has imploded.  He looks absolutely shocking at the moment, game after game.  Beckenbauer can seemingly do nought right, whether it's passing, tackling, marking, or strolling out of defence with the ball.  Dare I say it, right now, he's reminiscent of Dangerous Brian (O'Callaghan).

What did cheer me up was seeing the return of Tim....also Caton came out...a pile of kids (even young Yasmin didn't seem as moody as usual) and Ben 10 showed what a gentleman he was by scoring an own goal winner in the table football to ensure we were beaten by 2 girls with a combined age of 14 (Yasmin and Lily).

It was that kind of day.  (ps, we played well in patches, but despite some solid goalkeeping, a couple of fine strikes and some diabolical defensive play led to a flurry of goals and comprehensive defeat...anyway, I should've just stayed in the pub...I'd already seen the future!)

oh yes, forgot to add - we actually scored, last kick of the game.  Their bloke f***s up and hands it to Tudgay on a plate.