Huddersfield Town 2-0 BFC, Tuesday 8th October 2024

‘Get it forrad!’

I walked to last nite’s match. Can’t remember the last time I walked to a game from home. Even when I lived in Peckham, I’d cycle to Dulwich Hamlet. I guess it would have been c.1994, Arsenal v Auxerre. Stood in the all-seater Clock End, rain pouring down, with my half-Dutch mate attending his first game in England. A man rolling his programme up and p***ing through it onto the terrace. Still the only time I’ve ever seen that.

Where was I? Oh yes. A lovely walk along the canal towpath down the Colne Valley. Well, up until the bit that’s closed for repairs that are not forthcoming, about half a mile from the town centre. Broken Britain (cont.). On my lonesome, the world my oyster, so pre-match drinks in Brewdog and Parish, where a couple on the table next to me discussed their impending affair. Her: 30s, pigtails. Tidy. Him: late 40s, not discernibly handsome, receding hairline, peach or pink trousers, jacket, no charisma. Obviously some work power dynamic going on, but, really, this woman must be desperate. ‘Tell them it never ends well’ texted A. Divorced Londontyke. But marriage never ends well, does it? Divorce or death, it’s one of the two.

Where was I (part II)? Oh yes, I’m off to see Barnsley reserves in the lower division trophy, whatever it’s called this week. Do you remember when it first came out? The Freight Rover Trophy. Now it’s the Bristol Street Motors Trophy, via Papa Johns (I believe they do pizzas), The John Stones Trophy (aptly won by us) and Lord knows what else. Yes, I’ve seen the team. 9 changes from Satdy, 10 if you count Humphreys given a trot out in his preferred position up front. Personally, without a game this Satdy (international call-ups for Reading remember), I’d have forced the 11 who failed on Satdy to play, see if they could beat a mostly Terrier reserve side.

Huddersfield had made 7 changes, enough for Herbert Kane to be given a start. And if I said the 2 highlights of the match involved Kane being booked, and Kane being dispossessed in our box while he thought he had time to kill, that will tell you all you need to know. We gave starts to players such as Barratt (who?) and Nwakali (isn’t he our latest Great Exotic Hope? A midfield version of Oulare, or Iseka?) There was no Yoganathan or Jalo, on international duty. This match was made for them. As it is, I read this week that by 19, Tommy Lawton had top scored for a 2nd season for Everton. Jalo, meantime, can’t get a start for a middling third division side. He plays more games for Portugal Under 19s than he does us.

Kilip was in goal, and a good job too. Like Satdy, our keeper was far and away MOTM. Made several excellent saves, caught crosses in the rain and looked confident. Gent and Barratt were the fullbacks (they can’t be wingbacks if they don’t get out of our half, surely?) The opening half, Gent actually looked like a footballer and even made a couple of tackles. Second half, he was made to look foolish a couple of times. Centre halves were McCarthy (tidy, but unimposing) and Pines…who made a couple of good runs forward from defence before being sent off late second half. A ball had fortunately run to a Terrier who, one-on-one with Pines, got taken out trying to round the juggernaut. An apologist later said they’d heard a pink shirt was covering so it shoulda been yellow. Not a chance. Barratt was the other side of the field.

In midfield, Benson for Beds broke down again. Half an hour. He should be sponsored by the RAC or someone. ‘Breakdown assistance required for Josh.’ I’d put him on a stretcher and leave him by the side of the motorway for all the use he’s been over the last however many years we’ve had him. I know, I know. I should feel sorry for a player who, through no fault of his own, is continually injured. And I might, if he was on 200 quid a week. Oulare Nwakali came across to cover him in centre mid (did nothing). Russell was there too. I’ve a tip for him (no need to pay me). If you’re the slowest footballer on Earth, DO NOT, under any circumstance, find yourself the wrong side of your opponent. He will have left you for dead and they will be 3 on 3 on our goal. Lofthouse played (I’m told). I can’t tell you where he played, just that he was there.

Up top, we had Humphreys and Marsh. The latter, on a one-way journey to National League North, continued his descent. He had one chance, as a sweet, sweet move at the beginnning of the second half promised brighter things. The defence split, the ball came across from the right, Marsh ran to the front post, but on his wrong foot (another professional footballer with only one foot) he flicked it wide. Hauled with 18 minutes left for Alker (who he?) Humphreys battled, and might have done better had he been around better players. I can now see why the likes of Connell, Phillips, Cosgrove et al are undroppable. The dross in reserve is palpable.

Aside from that one move, we could not put a pass together. I realised 25 minutes in that I couldn’t remember us passing it to one of our players while we were in Huddersfield’s half. In the 20 minutes that followed we DEFINITELY didn’t find a pass in their half to one of our own. Just digest that. Once the ball was in their half, we didn’t find a single Barnsley player. Yes, we may have touched the ball in their half (rarely) but the next player who had it wore blue and white. Not even a flick-on in their half went to us, as we camped in our half, in a game we had to win to stay in the tournament, against a 3rd division side with Herbie Kane in it.

I didn’t walk back.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kilip. Kept us in it 1st half with a series of saves and punches. (That’s what I wrote about Slonina, Satdy!)
** No-one. Absolute garbage, Barnsley!
* Gent. It’s charity week. He was ok 1st half.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Kilip/No-one 3. No-one

Despatches:
This tournament gets worse. I blame letting in the under 21s teams of Big Clubs, but we little teams don’t help ourselves. Playing so many reserves must account for last night’s crowd…I think they said 2,182. That’s just over one-tenth of the attendance on Satdy. At half-time, the PA implored us to stay at full-time if it was a draw. He made the appeal twice, in case everyone f***ed off before the penalty shootout. (Thankfully it didn’t come to that, Town were out of sight by then.) What will our crowd be in our final dead rubber, at home to Donny? I’m getting my excuse in early. I’m out of the country.

Official stats say they had 25 shots to our 1. It didn’t feel like that, possibly cos only 7 of them were on target (none for us) and 10 were blocked. They won 2-0. A cutback sidefooted into an empty net and a cross toe-poked home in injury time. Last nite’s performance was so bad, it made me yearn for Satdy. Which made me yearn for Wycombe at home last week, which made me yearn for Stockport home,before that which…ad infinitum. A more generous man than me might say this season isn’t quite going to plan.

Drink du jour: Elvis Juice in Brewdog, Gamma Ray in Parish. Plus a nice pint at the station and a chat with the barman. He was a Town fan who’d chosen not to go as well.

Away: 342

The Damage:
£10 ent
= £10

*Even my travel was free, as I fare-dodged the journey home. Had to add SOME jeopardy to my evening!

Bradford City 5-1 BFC, Tuesday 21st November 2023

‘You need tablets. Ask Groundsman Al. He has everything.’

It’s my first away game in West Yorkshire as a West Yorkshire Tyke. Hicksy tells me I’ll never forget this. God, I hope that’s not the case. Bring on the Alzheimers is wot I say, though in fairness, as I try to remember previous visits to Valley Parade (sorry, the ‘University of Bradford Stadium’), I forget one. A quick rundown: one-all c.1985, when Bradford had a PROPER team, McCall, Hendrie, et al. Caged in behind a fence that went up to the roof on a packed little terrace behind the goal. Then there’s the last time I went...was that one-all? I dunno. End of season, and Reedy and I couldn’t see the 1st half cos of a huge speaker dangling from the roof. Last, and least, a four-nil battering with Brooce Dire up front. What a day that wasn’t. (I believe the following away game we got battered three-nil at Gillingham). Did we go down that season?

The latter was good practice for tonite, our 3rd group game of the newly sponsored ‘Bristol Street Motors Trophy’. Catchy. Tho instead of Dire, Mitch Ward, Chris Morgan, we had…well, about 9 players I’d never heard of, with Luca Connell in midfield and Cosgrove up top. It was literally men v boys, as our juniors rocked up to get a pasting off the big men. At one point, I looked at our front 4 and I swear they weighed less than their back 3 (who were huge, it has to be said). Was it their 4th goal, where one player bulldozes his way through 2 pussycats masquerading as centre halves? We were soft all over the pitch and I’ll go so far as to say that not one of these juniors will be playing for the Reds in 2 years time. I tell you how bad it was – Barry Cotter came on after 62 minutes and looked the best player on the park. At centre forward. Great 20 odd yard strike too (at five nowt down) which Hicksy missed cos he was taking a pic of the scoreboard.

He’d have missed the opener too, had I not told him to look around as we entered the stadium. The ball was curling in from the right, asking to be headed in. ‘Get in!’ my compadre exclaimed, pumping his fist…before realising it was the opposition. ‘Why’d you tell me to look round if it’s not us?’ The game is 2 minutes old. 15 minutes later and Andy Cook bangs in a low one from the edge of the area. I’d swear it was next to the keeper (a bloke who was relegated out of the EFL last season). Oh well, it’ll give me something to say to Andy’s mum next time I’m in Ferryhill Co-op. Not long after the half hour, it’s 3-0 and the game is up. How many will they get? Shepherd, favourite to get to the ball, slows up, allows his opponent to get there first, then stands bamboozled as said player rifles it in from an angle. Pontefract Colliery we signed him from. It shows.

Half-time entertainment is brought to you by the hospitality industry, as I stand enthralled through a conversation about beer pipes at Houghton Main Sports Club. (@Hicksy...I know that’ll come across as sarcasm, but I really did enjoy the conversation; it’s a window into another world for me.) I still have no idea where Houghton Main is, but I know it sometimes gets a mention in the Chron playing the likes of Dodworth in some County League or other.

Second half, we enjoy a period of nothingness, before the manager hauls Connell and Cosgrove (presumably with Satdy in mind). 4 mins later we have conceded 2 and they’re up to 5. Did I tell you how bad it was? Some bloke called Oduor (remember him!?) scores. My God. Has the Earth stopped rotating on its axis? The last 25, we’re arguably the better team. A couple of even younger players come on and they actually run about, while Cotter dominates the forward line. One of these kids misses a sitter, somehow hitting the keeper from 6 yards. That memory will die with him, cos he’s not gonna get a better chance to score for the Reds. Never. But they still drag one wide with the keeper to beat. I can handle five, six is another matter. Still, it’s a dead rubber, both qualify, it doesn’t matter...*

*Nozzer told me the winners get home advantage next round, so it DID matter. Our line-up and performance said something else.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cotter. Get him up front!
** Atkinson. Best of the rest.
* Ackroyd. Came on, ran about.

Londontykes’ POTY: 1. Cotter 2. Atkinson 3. Ackroyd

Despatches:
DO NOT drive into Bradford. Least not till the end of 2024 (so the signs told me, once I was firmly ensconced in traffic). The city centre is being ripped up and it is a NIGHTMARE. So much for parking up in the centre and finding the others in North Parade. I’d had enough…then accidentally parked over the road from possibly Bradford’s finest pub, the Boar and Fable (4.8 on Google!) My mood instantly improved. It didn’t last.

The players? I was kidding about only knowing Connell and Cosgrove. We had Aiden Marsh up top. Useless. And wasn’t it good to see Conor McCarthy, back after a year out with injury? No. O’Keefe? Yes, he was there. I noticed Yoganathan, but that’s cos he’s of Sri Lankan descent and 6 foot odd of string. Atkinson impressed, twice...our only shot on target 1st half (a 20 yarder with power, tho easily saved) and a beautiful bit of skill to set the left wing back away. Oh yeah, Dodgson played. I found out last week he’s not even one of our own. The manager likes to drop Cadden to give a Burnley yoof gametime. Brilliant. Rightfully booked for a cynical trip on the halfway line. Pontefract Colliery’s Jack Shepherd also got himself brainlessly sent off in injury time, at 5-1 down, by hauling back a striker who’d be clean through. Such footballing intelligence gives him half a chance at Oakwell. ‘But it shows he cares’ I said to no-one looking for an argument. He’s rubbish.

Roll on Satdy.

Drink du jour: Vocation Vanishing Point. Very nice, and wants to be at 6 quid a pint. Still, it HAD come all the way from Hebden Bridge…

Away: 603. I think they claimed the attendance was 1,700. Never. There were as many Reds fans as Bradford.

The Damage:
£7 ent (inc £2 p&p)
£1 parking
= £8