Huddersfield Town 2-1 BFC, Saturday 21st February 2026

’He’s a f***ing billionaire, the ba*tard.’

Coach Conor has been in charge of the Super Reds 50 games now. 100 conceded. That’s 2 a game. Even accounting for the odd clean sheet, other games make up for it. Whatthehell is the matter with our defence? Don’t ask Adie Moses, on co-comms for Radio Sheffield, asked for his thoughts on Praise or Grumble. I’d have to question the logic of employing a former centre half as a pundit on his former team(s) if he can’t put his finger on what’s wrong. ‘Even when we’re in control and in no danger we manage to concede 2’. (I paraphrase. I’m not going back to listen to it again.) But that’s it. Even in a game where we’re under little pressure, we concede another 2 and chuck away a 1st half lead (AGAIN. But that’s another topic).

Hang on tho, didn’t Coach Conor lay out his cards at the start of the season? We’re going 4-4-2, none of that 3-5-2, all wingbacks and pointless extra centre halves (cos they couldn’t stop conceding either). No, we’ll shore up the fullback positions. And it looked ok early on, Watson at right back, Ogbeta left. 10 pts in the opening 4 games, and we’re a McGoldrick chance away from taking the lead at Wimbledon in the 5th. Then the defensive rot set in.

Fast forward 6 months. O’Keeffe, who can’t defend, has been sent back from his loan spell at Stockport and is now right fullback in a 442. Today’s lamb to the slaughter at left back was Gent…who gets done twice in the opening 10 minutes and is eventually hauled for a right back (Watson) who covers himself in no glory at all when he comes on. Then there’s the central two. So much for adding experience and organizational skills. The hapless Roberts has been dropped again (for O’Connell). The Kitchen Fitter gets his usual appearance though, and if I was dropping anybody, I’d start with him.

Their equaliser, a gentle chip into what I will call the Bermuda Triangle (that area inbetwixt the keeper and 2 centre halves, where the ball disappears in terms of our defence). A Terrier runs on and has an unopposed header into our goal from 6 yards out, middle of the goal. A couple of things here, Adie. 1. When the cross is chipped in, our keeper is closer to where the ball lands than their goalscorer and 2. Didzy (!?) is the one who doesn’t track the goalscorer. Oh, and 3. Shepherd and O’Connell are marking the same player (Note: not the goalscorer.) If one of this idiot pair (and this one’s on Shepherd, trotting up behind O’Connell to mark the same bod) held their position instead of getting sucked out of the Bermuda Triangle, the goal would could have been averted. So there’s 3 things that coulda been done better right there. Didzy tracks his man, the keeper comes out and claims, Shepherd stands his position. I’ll throw in a bonus 4th. Does O’Keeffe even TRY to stop the ball coming in? What do you think?

All that hard work, 1st half, gone in an instant. Of course there was only one winner form now on, and even then it wasn’t through constant Town pressure and brilliant creative play. No, we half clear our lines, but we leave TWO players free out on their right (Cleary having left his man). Kelly sprints over, but Watson is marking someone (‘Oh no he isn’t’ – see goalscorer). Shouldn’t he be leaving that player to his centre halves (who’re marking nobody, btw)? The ball is played out wide, knocked in low to the front post and it’s 2-1. So, Adie, are you telling me there’s nothing that can be improved upon from a defensive set-up? It is a horror show.

We endure another massive scare, Crapman coming off his line to claim a corner…and deflecting it into the mixer for a Terrier to turn goalwards, the shot coming off Crapman’s face before Kelly clears off the line. (I am using the benefit of a TV replay here, we couldn’t tell what was going on from the other end.) No wonder he doesn’t like to come out, he’s a calamity. We also survive a clean through after Captain Almost-as-Calamitous gives the ball away for them to break. Was Watson out of position? Only if he’s presuming Connell is going to pass it to a Reds player. (So, yes, out of position.)

I’d like to think I’m a solutions kinda guy (where’s that smiley face emoji?) so here’s a few quick fixes off the top of my head:

1. Send Crapman back. Flavell isn’t good enough either, but it’ll save a wage.
2. Invite defensive coach Keogh to find gainful employment elsewhere. Or stick him in with the juniors and promote someone from within. Cos he’s improving nothing.
3. Drop Shepherd. ‘For who though?’ Anybody. MdG would be my choice. I don’t care whether he can kick a ball with his left peg or not. (Luca Connell only has one foot, but it doesn’t stop him playing central midfield. Well, it does...ho ho.) And anyway, Coach Conor doesn’t mind right-footed players at left back…bloody hypocrite.
4. Put Watson at right back, Ogbeta at left back. If not Ogbeta, a traffic cone. Anybody but Watson, Gent or Earl. Who does that leave?

Let’s not forget the positives. We were the better side in the 1st half, had some promising attacks (McGoldrick scoring, as well as having one disallowed for offside). Shepherd headed over a corner. And the goal was SUMPTIOUS, McGoldrick cutting in from the left and curling it into the far top corner from the apex of the box. That’s his 12th, and he’s come into his own since we sold DKD (perennial Wrexham benchee). If only the transfer window was still open, we could sell Wrexham Didzy as well. Mind, one unintended consequence of selling DKD was that Huddersfield’s winner was scored by a bloke on loan from...Wrexham! (I wonder if we bothered trying to negotiate for a Wrexham forward as part of the DKD negotiations, since they’ve got a half a dozen of them doing nowt.)

Onwards and upwards!

*** McGoldrick. Another excellent game (save for the equalizer). Held ball up, found players, tracked back, made clearing headers.
** Kelly. 2nd half, I thought it was Kelly v Huddersfield, to be frank.
* Banks. I know he only played 1st half, but that could be said for virtually everyone.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. McGoldrick 2. Kelly 3. Banks

Despatches:
Has Crapman created history? Managing to lose both Reds-Hudds derby games in the same season, for different sides, is some achievement. And let’s not forget, he got sent off in the Oakwell edition (we still didn’t keep a clean sheet against 10 men). Where’s the Oakwell Historian when you need him? Dave? DAVE???

Pre-match, I hung out with the Galvins in Parish, Huddersfield’s premier alternative bar. Nice Guy Chris had a spare ticket, so I invited my neighbour, Nice Guy Dan. He enjoyed it. (He’s a Town fan.) ‘Come and have a beer with the Belgians after the match’ said Chris. I did. The Belgians didn’t – they’d found Man City-Newcastle tickets going at 25 quid and were off. Good on ‘em.

I also had the honour of joining the vocal Reds minority, as I was sort of kettled up the aisle when I got in and couldn’t find my row. ‘He left cos you’re s***, he left cos you’re s***, Owen Goodman, he left cos you’re s***.’ I was about to correct one of em (the one who asked if I was lost, as I desperately looked around to see if anyone wasn’t wearing Burberry) but I thought better of it. When I eventually found Wadd, he said the Hudds retorted ‘he left cos he’s s***’…etc That’s what I was gonna say! Further attempts at getting under the Terriers’ skin came back to bite as we heard ‘2-1 to the dog shaggers’. But by then the only chants we had were criticizing the board for being ‘greedy ba*tards’ (is it only 6 mill a year they’re putting in?) and calling for them to sell up. And then we boo the team off. (I’m getting de ja vous. Haven’t we been here before?)

Drink du jour: Vocation Krush Hour at Parish and the Kings Head (post match), Punch Drunk at Slaithwaite’s Sixth Fiend.

Away: 2,336 (19,052). Sellout away end. But why don’t they let us have the whole stand? The ground is 6,000 short of capacity. ‘We dunt want away fans’ a charmless man tells me outside.

The Damage:
£2 bus
£3.50 train
£25 ent
= £30.50

Huddersfield Town 2-0 BFC, Tuesday 8th October 2024

‘Get it forrad!’

I walked to last nite’s match. Can’t remember the last time I walked to a game from home. Even when I lived in Peckham, I’d cycle to Dulwich Hamlet. I guess it would have been c.1994, Arsenal v Auxerre. Stood in the all-seater Clock End, rain pouring down, with my half-Dutch mate attending his first game in England. A man rolling his programme up and p***ing through it onto the terrace. Still the only time I’ve ever seen that.

Where was I? Oh yes. A lovely walk along the canal towpath down the Colne Valley. Well, up until the bit that’s closed for repairs that are not forthcoming, about half a mile from the town centre. Broken Britain (cont.). On my lonesome, the world my oyster, so pre-match drinks in Brewdog and Parish, where a couple on the table next to me discussed their impending affair. Her: 30s, pigtails. Tidy. Him: late 40s, not discernibly handsome, receding hairline, peach or pink trousers, jacket, no charisma. Obviously some work power dynamic going on, but, really, this woman must be desperate. ‘Tell them it never ends well’ texted A. Divorced Londontyke. But marriage never ends well, does it? Divorce or death, it’s one of the two.

Where was I (part II)? Oh yes, I’m off to see Barnsley reserves in the lower division trophy, whatever it’s called this week. Do you remember when it first came out? The Freight Rover Trophy. Now it’s the Bristol Street Motors Trophy, via Papa Johns (I believe they do pizzas), The John Stones Trophy (aptly won by us) and Lord knows what else. Yes, I’ve seen the team. 9 changes from Satdy, 10 if you count Humphreys given a trot out in his preferred position up front. Personally, without a game this Satdy (international call-ups for Reading remember), I’d have forced the 11 who failed on Satdy to play, see if they could beat a mostly Terrier reserve side.

Huddersfield had made 7 changes, enough for Herbert Kane to be given a start. And if I said the 2 highlights of the match involved Kane being booked, and Kane being dispossessed in our box while he thought he had time to kill, that will tell you all you need to know. We gave starts to players such as Barratt (who?) and Nwakali (isn’t he our latest Great Exotic Hope? A midfield version of Oulare, or Iseka?) There was no Yoganathan or Jalo, on international duty. This match was made for them. As it is, I read this week that by 19, Tommy Lawton had top scored for a 2nd season for Everton. Jalo, meantime, can’t get a start for a middling third division side. He plays more games for Portugal Under 19s than he does us.

Kilip was in goal, and a good job too. Like Satdy, our keeper was far and away MOTM. Made several excellent saves, caught crosses in the rain and looked confident. Gent and Barratt were the fullbacks (they can’t be wingbacks if they don’t get out of our half, surely?) The opening half, Gent actually looked like a footballer and even made a couple of tackles. Second half, he was made to look foolish a couple of times. Centre halves were McCarthy (tidy, but unimposing) and Pines…who made a couple of good runs forward from defence before being sent off late second half. A ball had fortunately run to a Terrier who, one-on-one with Pines, got taken out trying to round the juggernaut. An apologist later said they’d heard a pink shirt was covering so it shoulda been yellow. Not a chance. Barratt was the other side of the field.

In midfield, Benson for Beds broke down again. Half an hour. He should be sponsored by the RAC or someone. ‘Breakdown assistance required for Josh.’ I’d put him on a stretcher and leave him by the side of the motorway for all the use he’s been over the last however many years we’ve had him. I know, I know. I should feel sorry for a player who, through no fault of his own, is continually injured. And I might, if he was on 200 quid a week. Oulare Nwakali came across to cover him in centre mid (did nothing). Russell was there too. I’ve a tip for him (no need to pay me). If you’re the slowest footballer on Earth, DO NOT, under any circumstance, find yourself the wrong side of your opponent. He will have left you for dead and they will be 3 on 3 on our goal. Lofthouse played (I’m told). I can’t tell you where he played, just that he was there.

Up top, we had Humphreys and Marsh. The latter, on a one-way journey to National League North, continued his descent. He had one chance, as a sweet, sweet move at the beginnning of the second half promised brighter things. The defence split, the ball came across from the right, Marsh ran to the front post, but on his wrong foot (another professional footballer with only one foot) he flicked it wide. Hauled with 18 minutes left for Alker (who he?) Humphreys battled, and might have done better had he been around better players. I can now see why the likes of Connell, Phillips, Cosgrove et al are undroppable. The dross in reserve is palpable.

Aside from that one move, we could not put a pass together. I realised 25 minutes in that I couldn’t remember us passing it to one of our players while we were in Huddersfield’s half. In the 20 minutes that followed we DEFINITELY didn’t find a pass in their half to one of our own. Just digest that. Once the ball was in their half, we didn’t find a single Barnsley player. Yes, we may have touched the ball in their half (rarely) but the next player who had it wore blue and white. Not even a flick-on in their half went to us, as we camped in our half, in a game we had to win to stay in the tournament, against a 3rd division side with Herbie Kane in it.

I didn’t walk back.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kilip. Kept us in it 1st half with a series of saves and punches. (That’s what I wrote about Slonina, Satdy!)
** No-one. Absolute garbage, Barnsley!
* Gent. It’s charity week. He was ok 1st half.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Kilip/No-one 3. No-one

Despatches:
This tournament gets worse. I blame letting in the under 21s teams of Big Clubs, but we little teams don’t help ourselves. Playing so many reserves must account for last night’s crowd…I think they said 2,182. That’s just over one-tenth of the attendance on Satdy. At half-time, the PA implored us to stay at full-time if it was a draw. He made the appeal twice, in case everyone f***ed off before the penalty shootout. (Thankfully it didn’t come to that, Town were out of sight by then.) What will our crowd be in our final dead rubber, at home to Donny? I’m getting my excuse in early. I’m out of the country.

Official stats say they had 25 shots to our 1. It didn’t feel like that, possibly cos only 7 of them were on target (none for us) and 10 were blocked. They won 2-0. A cutback sidefooted into an empty net and a cross toe-poked home in injury time. Last nite’s performance was so bad, it made me yearn for Satdy. Which made me yearn for Wycombe at home last week, which made me yearn for Stockport home,before that which…ad infinitum. A more generous man than me might say this season isn’t quite going to plan.

Drink du jour: Elvis Juice in Brewdog, Gamma Ray in Parish. Plus a nice pint at the station and a chat with the barman. He was a Town fan who’d chosen not to go as well.

Away: 342

The Damage:
£10 ent
= £10

*Even my travel was free, as I fare-dodged the journey home. Had to add SOME jeopardy to my evening!

Huddersfield Town 2-0 BFC, Saturday 5th October 2024

‘Herbie, Herbie, where’s your hair?’

‘Sacked in the morning, you’re getting sacked in the morning.’ So the chant rang out pre-match, as we faced former manager Duff, with 4 defeats in 4 games. But, as someone said, who ya gonna call when you need a result? That’s right. US. We were woeful, and if anyone stayed at full-time, only one of those managers would’ve faced that chant, and it wasn’t Duff.

It was awful. Against a side who’d lost their last 2 home games to Blackpool and Northampton (one Cameron McGeehan scoring), whose confidence must be shot, who’re missing their star player Helik (yes, THAT Helik...centre half and top scorer last season!)...we ceded the early advantage and were never in the game. Slonina made a series of saves, Earl blocked another goalbound attempt and other efforts were high or wide. We squeaked to half-time with one paltry effort on target ourselves, a 20 yard bobbler from Connell. Half-time, a talking to from the manager, a tactical tweak, kicking towards our end...we could win this.

No we couldn’t. We retreated towards our goal and got up to 11 players behind the ball. With no-one up the pitch, balls came straight back. Was it a deliberate tactic, sucking them forward to launch cross after cross to our big centre halves, before we broke? Well, the first part was right, as we conceded 17 (seventeen) corners. It looked like a practice session, attack v defence. Try and break down the massed ranks of pink shirts. But with an hour gone, we’ve weathered the storm, and it’s time for Coach Clarke to take charge and make his move. On comes Jalo (Jalo Jalo), Benson for Beds and O’Keefe for Gent, Humphreys and Cotter. I’ll say this, Clarke’s changes this season have increasingly gained consistent (negative) results.

We went from an ostensible 5-3-1-1 (more like 8-1-1) to 442. KISS. Keep it simples, stupid! Hauling Gent was a no-brainer. Have we paid money for this guy? Humphreys hadn’t done too badly, considering he was playing midfield. No-one shoves him off the ball. Cotter? Well, putting on O’Keefe in his place defies explanation in my world, unless Cotter’s had his legs broken (plural; I’m sure he’d be better with one good leg than O’Keefe.)

Suddenly the game was open. We had the ball in THEIR half. We were giving Jalo the ball to his feet. He was running at them. Sometimes he didn’t even lose it. One run, as he cut inside, cut inside again, all the time onto his non-existent right foot, ended with him going down. My gut instinct was pen, but those at home confirm the ref was spot on. A dive, a yellow card. Our players can’t even cheat properly.

We also have a shot, as a half-cleared cross gives Cosgrove the chance of a snapshot from 10 yards. Over the bar. Difficult, but he’s a professional footballer. Oh yes, a BARNSLEY professional footballer. Wind in the neck of expectation. We have 20 minutes to hang on. But who’s this they’re bringing on? Herbert Kane! Christ, the match is in the bag now. Or b) we’re going to embarrass ourselves.

It’s b). Kane, the world’s second slowest player (behind, or ahead of, Jon Russell) leaves Earl for dead down their right after a quick 1-2. I don’t remember him ever doing that at Oakwell. With time, he can now pick a pass and he lays it inside for a Terrier to blaze it into the top corner from the edge of the box. That’s in the 83rd minute, but with time running out, they grab a second as the ball is half cleared and while 4 pink-shirted defenders stare at the spherical object, wondering what it is (the moon?), a blue and white shirt picks it up, strides forward and shoots low from 25 yards. Appalling from us, but it makes the scoreline a little more realistic. The away end streams out.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Slonina. Kept us in it 1st half with a series of saves and punches.
** Connell. Snapped into tackles and made 2 good runs.
* Jalo. I’m going to be generous to the former Boy Wonder. At least we attacked when he came on.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Slonina 2. Connell 3. De Givigny

Despatches:
It was good to see so many pink shirts, the Reds deciding to wear pink for Breast Cancer awareness. Not that Mrs Reed liked it. She hates pink. Supporters’ Club reps handed out free pink shirts pre-match and Nozzer looked particularly fetching in his.

I was less amused with Huddersfield Town. Why DO they only give the away side 2,300 tickets when the stand holds 3,900? Wouldn’t they like to have (potentially) another 1,600 away fans paying £20-£25? That’s 30 grand they’ve turned down. Must have too much money. (For those who don’t know, since their Premiership days, what passes for their ultras have been given the rest.) Anyway, barely a couple of turnstiles open for 2,300 meant queuing for 15 minutes to get in. At least it was sunny.

Still, we got out of Hudds on the first train out and 7 minutes later were in the charming Pennine village of Slaithwaite where I chatted to a local Terrier. He wondered what we were chanting at Kane. ‘Well’, I said. ‘When your lot were chanting that he left us cos we are s***, he was the REASON we were s***. He gets the ball and he does f*** all.’ The fact Kane chose today to do one of those rare cameos where he actually does summat was the just the icing on the cake, the dogs*** on the shoe. The p*** that I’ve just licked from the nettle while doing an extremely accurate impression of a bulldog.

Drink du jour: post match Weihenstephaner in Hideaway (Slaithwaite).

Away: 2,366 (sellout).

The Damage:
£25 ent
£3.50 prog
£2.25 train
= £30.25